I Shoulda Put ‘Em On The Glass
So, I was on the final leg of my journey home from work last night, when everything went circling down the ol’ crap-catcher.
It was about 2:15 am in our little town, and not a creature was stirring. Except, of course, a few people buying gas at Sheetz, the freak on a treadmill at the 24-hour gym, and the far saner person waiting for a Quarter Pounder with chee’ at the all-night McDonald’s drive-through.
I was driving past a large grocery store, when I heard aggressive acceleration. WTF? I glanced in my rearview mirror and saw nothing but lights: some flashing, some rotating, a few Roman candles going off… I don’t even know. It felt like I was now being followed by the Kansas City Royals scoreboard.
Of course it was a cop (dammit!), so I pulled into the Burger King parking lot, and he pulled in behind me. With all those state fair corndog stand lights still a-flashing.
“Sir, do you know why I’ve stopped you tonight?” he said, while shining yet another light in my face.
Why do they insist on asking that question? I always think, “Well, it could be for a whole host of reasons…” But I always say, “No.”
“You failed to come to a complete stop at the bottom of the interstate ramp back there. You slowed-down to about 20 mph, and kept going. Sir, do you know what a red flashing light means?”
“Yeah, I know what it means,” I said.
“Driver’s license, registration, and insurance card, please.”
Grrr… He took all my documents back to his car, and stayed way too long. I know approximately the length of time it takes to run a set of plates, because of various life experiences (ahem), and this was in excess. Obviously, he was writing a ticket. The dude wasn’t going to let me go with just a warning.
And that’s exactly what happened. $109.50 is the final damage, which really toasts my strudel. Just because a guy is completely guilty is no reason to penalize him, is it? Wotta ripoff.
This is the second time I’ve been stopped near my house, in the middle of the night. Last time I was given a full drunk test, even though I was stone-sober. He said I was “driving erratically,” and I told him I was trying to get the pickles off my Big Mac.
That officer was not amused (even though I’d told him the truth), but finally let me go. The guy last night was nicer, but slapped me with a big honkin’ fine. In retrospect, I think I prefer the former to the latter.
I guess I’m going to have to start driving through our town like an elementary school teacher, or whatever? Bolt upright, hands in the ten and two o’clock positions, moving so slow crippled dogs are passing me… ‘Cause those guys are always scowling in the shadows, ready to pounce.
Oh well. As Tony Soprano says, what are you going to do?
The younger Secret is home sick again today. But it’s not the flu, thankfully. He’s just got the snots, and feels run-down. We’ll probably send him back to that seething sea of bacteria, known as the middle school, tomorrow.
When the school nurse called yesterday morning, asking me to come pick him up, I wanted to know what was wrong.
“He says he has a headache, and I think his stomach… Truthfully, I haven’t had much time to spend with him. Twenty-seven kids have gone home sick today, and it’s only 10 o’clock!”
She sounded frazzled, and overwhelmed. And when I got to the school, the clinic was loaded with frowning teens and pre-teens, all shinin’ and sweatin’. Shit! I didn’t even want to touch the pencil, to sign him out.
But if one of us gets the swine flu here, we’re fully prepared. We’ve stockpiled oinkment.
As for a Question… I guess you could tell us about your memorable encounters with traffic cops. That’s always fun. Also, Clive Bull was asking his callers where they went on their honeymoons last night. We can steal his topic again, if you’d like.
Toney and I wanted to go to London, but finally decided it would be too expensive. We went to San Francisco instead, which probably cost more than London would’ve… But it was a lot of fun, one of the best weeks ever.
What about you? If you’re married, or were once married, where’d you go for a so-called honeymoon? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
Commentation #1
We went to Bermuda for our Honeymoon. Then celebrated 20 years in Kenya. Fantastic!
Mr Kay – If you wish to stop being harassed by local law enforcement, you simply MUST stop listening to Hall & Oates. It angers them.
Q: Do you know what a red flashing light means?
A: Does it mean that you can only proceed through the intersection between the red flashes?
top 10 mothra funkers!
Top 10! Woo Hoo!
Oinkment!
Two speeding tickets in 3 months…Grrrrrrrr
best traffic cop story is when i called the cop a dick.
we were going to work and got cut off by a white suv making a totally illegal left turn against the light, accross a 3 lane street….
so i call the driver a dick, flip him off and he turns on his siren and lights and pulls another illegal move (u turn across all 6 lanes) and is on our ass.
he starts ranting and i pipe in with “dude… you did an illegal dick manuver. deal with it”.
We got off with a warning.
Got married in Reno (we were playing Harrah’s) at the court house by the Justice of the Peace. His name was Leo. We both wore jeans but I did don a dapper pin stripe sport coat. Married around noon on a thursday and made our 2 o’clock rehearsal. Then the gig at night. A week later we “had” to go to Tahoe for three weeks and play Harrah’s there. Then back home to Vegas for two months at the Mint. Never really had time for a honeymoon.
Oh…that cop was a total jerk!
Dimer
A couple of months before our wedding (1982), my fairly conventional future mother-in-law sends us an article from the paper about this guy who has a house on an island in the Bay of Honduras. It turns out to e a 4 bedroom place built over the ocean – the only house on a 2 acre cay. About a half a mile from the big island, Guajana, which was about 50 miles off the east coast of Honduras. The reef was about 2 feet under the crystal clear water at low tide. We spent two weeks swimming, fishing, and exploring the big Island. Pretty amazing. The place is gone now; hurricane Danny totaled it.
Believe me, anyone out driving between the hours of midnight and 6:00am is under high suspicion of being a drunk driver. Cops will pull you over for ANYTHING illegal, as minimal as it may seem, and sometimes anything they can make up, like “you crossed the center line or you were swerving”. You can’t prove that you didn’t and they use this. The one who pulled you over probably felt like a dipshit because you weren’t a DUI, so he took it out on you by writing you a bullshit ticket.
Went to Hawaii 2 years ago this month.(2nd time down the isle for both of us) Nice place but to fucking far to get there from the ‘Burgh.
Got pulled over once with some friends in High School on I80. Had a pillow case full of homegrown. He made us dump our beer but never looked under the seat..thank God.
I used not be able to get pulled over without going to jail. Now I don’t do anything wrong. I find I prefer things the new way…
We went to Ixtapa/Zihuatenejo for our honeymoon. We went to Riveria Maya for a 2nd one when he got home from Iraq. We love Mexico! Wonder where we will go when he gets home from Afghanistan? Aruba maybe?
Marriage #1 – No honeymoon, had to be back in San Diego for SEAL training.
Marriage #2 – One week at the Princess in Freeport, Bahamas.
Marriage #3 – Not gonna happen…
Trisha aka Mrs. Wally…Didn’t know The Husband had to go. My Best to you both.
First Honeymoon- The resort city of Detroit. Enjoyed walking through the seedy parts of the city at night, with bars on all the residential window. First wife grew up there. Bad neighborhood, but got in free to Tiger Stadium a couple of times since my brother-in-law was a city fireman.
Second honeymoon- Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Not so much for the local hillbilly activities, but for the inexpensive cabin in the mountains, with the hottub. Much better honeymoon. Much better wife.
On IPOD right now- “The Day I Tried to Live”- Soundgarden
My husband and I got married by a justice of the peace in the lil’ college town where we met. Then we drove up to Niagara Falls for an old-timey honeymoon, with a short break in Toronto.
It is probably jut me, but I am lazy and always surf to the WVSR through Google. I type in WVSR or West Virginia Surf Report and up pops the site in the search return. However in the last few days it does not return the site after typing in WVSR or West Virginia Surf Report. My Google search is wide open wif no restrictions. It is probably something on my end. However I wanted to alert you in cased the Google cranks decided to mistakenly punish the WVSR.
Oh yeah, forgot all about the puulovers.
Went to a concert with an insane girlfriend. Saw Springsteen at Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY. Girlfriend had taken too much acid and attacked a guy who shover her down. I punched guy and knocked him down a flight of steps. She went to jail. I was thrown out of Arena. Tried to sneak back in because I did not know at this point she had gone to jail. Made it inside to be taken back out by Lexington police and beaten soundly with clubs and left there. I was Rodneyed before Rodney King smoked his first rock. Anyway, spent the rest of the night getting her out of jail. Had to drive back to WV for work the next morning. While driving back, insane GF was doing business in my lap while I was driving. Saw the blue lights and pulled over, but she refused to stop the business. Cop walks up to the window, laughed, and told me slow down and don’t hit any bumps.
Next traffic cop encounter. With first wife and kids on a vacation to the resort town of Detroit. (Five vacations in that dump during 1st marriage) Was pulled over in the middle of the night for speeding. Turns out the make and model of my car was the same as an escaped convict in Ohio. Cop sees the wife and kids asleep in the car and woke them up to identify me, as if I was the convict stealing the car with them in it or something. Eventually got a ticket and was told to return the next day for some little bullshit court hearing. Never went back…never heard from them again.
Gotten several speeding tickets I deserved, but also talked my way out of a few of them by asking the cop if his radar equipment had been properly calibrated within the previous six months as state law mandated. Check your state law. This might work for you someday.
On IPOD right now- “Downtown Train”- Tom Waits
A couple of years ago, I was stopped near Cross Lanes on Cross Lanes Drive. I was on my way home from work, about 5:30 and it was snowing like the arctic. A Deputy Sherriff pulled behind me, turned on his lights and I pulled over. He walks up to the car and I barely crack the window. All he says is “License and registration.” I hand him my license and he continues to stand there, getting covered in snow. I am trying to locate my current registration card in the pile of crap inside the glove compartment. I can’t find it anywhere. About 3 minutes go by and I roll down the window and say, “dude, I can’t find it.” He looks at me all pissed and hands me back my license and says, “Just go on!” He walks back to his car and we both leave. I never did find out why he stopped me. I guess taking my sweet time in the middle of a blizzard paid off.
Jeff, you should eat your pickles. You’re lucky that cop didn’t charge you with “driving with undue care and attention.”
@Shiny Rod – Were you actually a SEAL? I was in Air Force Intelligence. Nothing but respect for you guys.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
Best pulled over story for me happened 15 or so years ago in State College, PA. I was there for a whole week for a “training” seminar. The actual training took about 6 hours each day, the rest was spent golfing and drinking copious amounts of beer.
The company that sponsored the schooling took us out to eat every night. We were ending our festivities around 3 in the morning and I was driving a Ford Explorer with dealer plates and insurance.(demo). Several of out crew were walking back to their cars and I was talking to one as I backed the vehicle up the street. Made our plans and off I went.
As soon as I turned onto the main drag, the cop lit ‘em up and pulled me over. The obligatory question asked on why I thought I was being pulled over. I honestly answered I didn’t know.
“Well” the cop says, “You were just on a one way street. Your vehicle was pointed in the right direction, but as you were backing up the street, you were technically going the wrong way.
Oops.
“Sir” he continued, “have you been drinking tonight?”
Now here is where 99% of people get busted. They say oh um maybe 1 or 2? BULLSHIT you drunk ass liar!
So I told him I had had about 6 or 7 in the last 7 or 8 hours. This was also another drunken bullshit lie but I figured more plausible and honest sounding. In actuality, at that point of the night I probably had 15 or 16 in me over a 10 hour period.
He made me get out, do the stupid human tricks including reciting my ABC’s and following the pretty bouncing penlight with my eyes while keeping my head totally still.
After his tests concluded he informed me that I was “borderline”. I admitted that I knew this, that I had been up since 8 that morning, had golfed, gone swimming, then drinks and dinner and that I was pretty beat but felt absolutely safe in my ability to drive.
He thought it over for a few seconds, handed my license and registration back and told me to be careful and keep it between the lines.
I’m glad I had a change of clothes at the hotel because I just about pissed myself at that point.
@DTO- anytime between May and next October for a year. Sucks but that it what I get for marrying a soldier…
We honeymooned in Maui and Kauai – very nice.
The last two times I was pulled over I told them I was on vacation – or rather “on holiday, oh hold on you chaps call them vacations don’t you” – and they let me go, despite flagrant speeding. Jolly good!
Jerry in WV – I get full body shivers every time I see a log or a Zodiac. I made it through almost 4 weeks of training before my better senses kicked in. They asked if I could kill a child to keep my position from being compromised. My answer was no. So I got transfered to SAR training and then to Data Processing “A” and “C” schools before being assign to precom detail for the USS Pelelui.
Once I passed a trooper on the highway when I was going about 90 mph at about 2 am. And no, I didn’t see him in time, because I was going 90 mph.
He pulls me over, asks me how fast I was going, and my response was “pretty fast?”. He must’ve been amused because I ended up with the lowest ticket, instead of the $300 whopper he could’ve given me….
A couple of months ago, my mom picked me from the airport at about 2am. A cop pulled in behind us, and followed for about a mile. My mom gets really nervous, and slowed way down, and swerves, so on go the lights. I was already laughing my ass off when the officer gets up to the car, and laughed even harder when he realized that instead of pulling over a drunk he got a middle-age surburbanite mom.
Traffic stops:
Indiana – At 21, I got pulled over for doing 70 in a 55 zone. Damn you Jimmy Carter. Also had an once of weed in the glove box and had just finished smoking a joint. See, marijauna does not make you drive slower. I was taking my GF who later became my 1st wife on a picnic date to Brown County State park. Don’t know how I got off with a warning.
At 32 – 55 in 35 and then 2 weeks later 60 in a 45, Cop friend pulled the tickets for me.
NC – 51, driving on an closed road. Got off with a warning once I showed the officer that I worked for DOT.
Shiny Rod – I know what you mean about the thing with kids. Operation Elderado Canyon – 1986. We were bombing Khadafi for the terror attacks in Germany and we inadvertantly hit some civilian buildings, killing a bunch of children. It will probably bother me until the day I die. Sometimes collateral damage doens’t feel so collateral…………..
Honeymooned in the Florida Keys (Marathon was our base camp).
Got pulled over in a small town 1/4 mile from work for failure to stop at a stop sign. Went to court and the cop thought he’d “help” me by pleading to driving without a seatbelt. I told him both stories were bullshit and I wasn’t pleading to anything. He said “Sounds like you grew up around cops”. I said, yes, my sister is on the force.” That changed his tune, especially when he asked where she was a “PATROL OFFICER” and I had to correct him and say “NYPD – Lieutenant”. Funny how quickly that ticket disappeared.
The only thing I did not like about working late shift was the drive home… Speed limit, stop signs all the way. You are a sitting duck at 3am.
I got stopped a lot (never charged, only warnings) for running yellow lights in my early years. Always with the “you ran a red light back there”… Uhm, no, the light went yellow after I reached the point of no return, would you like to try and stop a car with 4 wheel drum brakes from 40mph? Long story short, bitching at some guy where I work who I didn’t know was a cop turned all that around. Never got followed or stopped again. Turns out some drug dealer looked a lot like me, and drove the same type and color car as I did. And yes, I had a lot of people come up to me when I was sitting in my car asking if I had any product to sell. Fuck off already.
In hindsight, maybe I should have packaged sugar and some oregeno to make a some gas money…
Just remembered this one….
I was 19 and dating a new girlfriend (who 23 years later is still my wife). She lived about 25 miles from my house and I was late getting home from seeing her.
I was using my Mom’s sporty little 5 speed Ford Fiesta(they were kick ass little cars. Death traps, but neat nonetheless)
I digress.
I was late getting home from doing what any young buck would be doing with a hot new girlfriend. So I’m blasting down this 2 lane, 5th gear overdrive, pushing the tach to the red zone. Just really beating it on down the line trying to make time.
Cop pulled out and followed for 6 freakin miles at speeds well over 90 miles per hour. He finally lights up, to paraphrase JK, the state fair corndog stand lights and I pull over.
He wants to know what the big hurry was. Told my sad story of how I’m late and going to be in big ass trouble once I get home.
He asked me if I knew how fast I had been going. I said no sir, I was too busy concentrating on the road to look down at the speedometer.
He asked if I had been drinking. I lied and said no.
He asked if I knew what would have happened had I lost control of my little speed racer. I just look dumbfounded and said no.
“Buddy, I’d be picking up pieces of you and this car all over the place for the last 5 miles. Slow it the hell down.”
And he let me go. Unbelievable.
oh chit, I meant to mention honeymoon too. As I mentioned, that little hottie 23 years ago married me 21 years ago. We honeymooned in the most exotic of locations.. hold on now, here it comes….
Pittsburgh, Pen-sil-vain-eye-a
Married on a Saturday, drove back to college Sunday with my new bride and was sitting in class 9 o’clock Monday morning.
Honeymoon in Sint Maarten…love to go back there for the 20th….we’ll see
Son of Sam: HA! Thank God is right! You would just be getting out of the pokey now!
Wet Bone: It did the samething to me!
First marriage we went to Orlando…Disney…Epcot…and I must say NEVER AGAIN! Disney is a glorified Kennywood (amusement park) with a million more screaming, crying, whining kids. and infants! Who takes a baby to Disney? Plus it was 110 f’n degrees in the shade. I was sweatin balls.
Second marriage…we put off our honeymoon but eventially went to St. Augustine, FL. and Daytona…which ironically is where my husband passed away a few years later while on vacation again.
We spent our wedding night at the Charleston House Holiday Inn and went back to our teeny apartment the next day. Monday found us both back at our jobs…. Maybe someday….
Google won’t bring me to the WVSR anymore either.What is up with that ???
When I was 18, I was leaving a movie theater via a right hand turn when I suddenly saw the same lights and roman candles that Jeff saw last night. I pulled over and stopped the car, but when I looked in the rearview mirror, somthing about the squad car seemed wrong. The cop came to the window and asked if I knew why he was pulling me over. I of course said no, and he informed me that I did not stop at the stop sign before my turn. He asked for my license and registration and said he needed to call it in. I then said “and while you are on the radio with the station, you may want to ask them if they could send someone to replace your burned out headlight.”
He turned around, looked at his squad car, handed my shit back to me and left without saying a word.
My spousal unit got out of a big time ticket…with tomatoes. He, being the arrogant lead foot that he is, was blazing thru Chadbourn, NC (somewhere in between tobacco fields I guess) in his Porsche. Well, he got pulled (justifiably so) and the Trooper noticed he had a bushel full of “home grown ‘maters” in the passenger seat. The Trooper asked for a few for dinner and let my husband off with a warning. It is now a traveling ritual for us to carry ‘maters.
Whenever they ask me, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I always reply, “Is it because I’m white?” They love that. Not really.
Your son’s school has a nurse? What kind of swanky school district do you live in?
I’ve deserved every ticket I’ve ever received and have gotten a free pass on a few others. Not my story, but I’ll share it anyway. My sister gets a call from her 17-year-old son’s cell phone in the middle of the night. She picks up to hear a man’s voice, “Hello, this is Officer (insert cop’s name) from the CHP. Is this (insert sister’s name)? Are you the mother of (insert nephew’s name)?” Upon hearing this, groggy Sister stops breathing in anticipation of what’s coming next. Cell phone connection is bad in the valley, but Cop continues: “Your son was driving erratically and going over 100mph on Cherry Glen (a winding road not at all conducive to such speeds).” Sister starting to cry and cell connection begins breaking up, cutting out half of the conversation. Sister: “Is he OK?” Cop, ignoring or not hearing the question: “There were 2 other kids in the car with your son. Do you know (Stepdaughter) and (Friend)?” More tears from Sister, again asking if Nephew is OK. Cop: “Do you know what he was doing out here at this hour?” And upon finally hearing Sister panicking and nearly hyperventilating, Cop says, “Oh, he’s OK. Don’t cry.” Sheesh.
Cop sends Nephew straight home with a fat ticket and a warning that his provisional license would be suspended once the DMV got the paperwork. Sister pops a few Valium to help calm her nerves. When Nephew gets home and sees the state his mother was in as a result of the call, Nephew is more contrite than I’ve ever seen a teenage boy.
Oktoberfest and all that comes with it…
http://networkedblogs.com/p15780097
16 years old and my friend and I had polished off mass quantities of Cold Duck. She demanded that I pull over immediately. While she is puking her guts out I see the cop pull in behind us. He walks over to her side of the car and she pukes on his shoes. He asked her name and she said (insert my name here). He asked my name and I said (insert her name here). He asked where we were going and I said, “home”. He said, “Be careful,” and let us go. I couldn’t believe it. I got damn lucky. Of course, this was in the early 70′s when DUI’s were not so commonplace, but still.
Spent my honeymoon at Hawk’s Nest State Park. It was early August and I was looking forward to lounging around the pool, however, it rained the whole time and temperatures were in the 50-60 range. We just stayed in the room and watched TV and did other stuff. Happily, the marriage didn’t last.
Pulled over in my home town 12 years and 100 lbs. ago in late January. It was stupid cold, I had interstate travel at 11:30 p.m. on ice to get home, and had been up since 5:30 a.m. I had worked a full time and a part time job, taken the interstate to college class, ate a samwich walking to said class and was going home to lather, rinse and repeat…
So leaving town I run a red light in front of a truck and, count ‘em, two cops. They pull me over, natch. I am pissed, fookin exhausted, cold, in a crappy old truck with no radio and bald tires. I sort of hope they will arrest me so I have an excuse to not do this all again tomorrow.
The cop asks if I know what I did, I snarl yeah and then scooth/lay across the truck seat to get the paperwork from glove box. Mr. Cop gets full view of my ripped up tights under my slid up jumper. Not on purpose by me, it wasnt untill the cold air form the window remided me that I was not, like normal in jeans, but clearly he was either afraid of my bad attitude or impressed with my choice of attire, cuz I got nada. No ticket, no warning, no try and be carefull. He just shut off the flashlight refused the paperwork and walked away. Yeah me.
Can someone explain todays title: “I shoulda put ‘em on the glass” sorry to be so dense if it is obvious.
I did not go on a honeymoon last night or ever as I am happily bachelored.
I only have two speeding tickets amazingly but more amazingly is they are both within the same mile stretch on I-75 near Knoxville Tennesee (350 miles from home) about 2 years apart shortly after it drops from 65-55 just inside the city limits. Both city cops taking advantage of a little out of state revenue.
On a similiar note to kristin, on one of the occasions in Knoxville I was doing 80 plus weaving in and out of traffic hellbent on not getting caught up behind slower traffic. After a lane change and a quick check in the rear view mirror I noticed a Crown Vic coming up fast. Well I didn’t want to hold him up so I sped up and got over so he could go around. He instead pulled behind me and turned on his itty bitty whooper lights neatly concealed behind the grill. When he asked how fast I was going I responded: On average or when I sped up to let you go around! He chuckled and cut me some slack on the MPH over part but it was still cost me over 100 scoobs.
Decided to get married in my Home town in England had to live there for 3 weeks & attend church so the: “bans” could be read before the wedding! It seems this is some kind of mediaeval early warning system so if you are marrying your sister & dont know it! your parents can tip off the parish priest before the deed is done!
On the way home I got pulled over in Rogersville, Alabama with a half ounce of weed and a case of Sterling Big Mounth, my buddy Gene was driving he’d just barely turned 16…..
Wait, that wasn’t me.
Jeff,
With all due respect, I’m worried about this Hall and Oates thing you have going on. You hear people talking about “Wouldn’t it be great if the Replacments got back together” You hear “Wouldn’t it be great if the surviving members of Floyd got with Roger Waters and did a tour?” You never hear anyone say “Wouldn’t it be great if Hall and Oates got back together for a tour!” There’s a reason for this. You seem blind to the level of suck which Hall and Oates dwell upon. Oh well nobody’s perfect.
WB in OH: It’s a Sir Mix A Lot reference
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1rk89_sir-mix-a-lot-put-em-onthe-glass_music
Does Jeff have enough moobs to put on the glass? If so, it’s high time to cut back on the Five Guys.
My first real job having just graduated from college was in Warren, Ohio. Of course, I immediately had to go buy a 1987 Mustang GT with 5 speed stick.
I visited the parents near Wheeling for a weekend and head back to Warren about midnight on Sunday.
State Route 82 approaching Warren has a five mile (or so) stretch of flat four lane road, it’s about 1:30 AM, beautiful night, nobody on the road for miles, so I open her up. 5th gear and pedal to the metal. Have no idea how fast I am going since the stupid 85 MPH speedometer has been on the pin since third gear.
I happen to look up ahead and see car headlights on an overpass about a mile away. A second or two later, I looked up again and realized that the car is not moving, just sitting on the overpass, so I nailed the brakes and started downshifting. Finally, the needle comes of the 85 MPH pin.
I went under the overpass at 60 and here he comes, lights and siren. Cop is about 80 years old. Told me he was trying to get a radar “lock” on me for a good while but I was too far away. When he did lock-in, he got me at 118 and claimed he could hear me downshifting and he could see my brake lights illuminating the road behind my car “for several seconds” before the radar locked in.
He took my license, etc, and went stomping back to the cruiser. After a few minutes, he asked me if I wanted a ticket for 85 MPH or “the lecture”. I chose the lecture.
He bitched me out and told me about all these kids he scraped up off the road and how dangerous it is to drive at excessive speed and all this other crap. Then he let me go warning me that he would throw the book at me if he caught me speeding on his road again.
I was amazed. What a cool old guy.
OH, almost forgot:
“Sir, do you know what a red flashing light means?”
Yea, hookers.
why thanks hardoxan I do my best! would you mind holding these dentures while I pick out a sunflower seed?
1st Honeymoon doesn’t count because he was too drunk to do anything but moon.
2nd Honeymoon we went to romantic Gettysburg. Yeah. I was excited (no, I was shocked at his choice). Got there and found that haunted places rock. Been back twice.
Cop story is not mine. An ex who was yet another drunk didn’t come home one night. I called his parents. They called back around midnight to say he was in jail and they were leaving him there. Fine by me. So I listen to months of how he could’ve have been that bad.
We went to the hearing because Mr. Couldn’t Have Been That Bad was going to fight it. His lawyer brought copies of the police report out to me and his family to read.
Dude was so drunk that he got “lost’ in a small sleepy town because he kept circling the same block over and over and over.
He drove through people’s yards.
He drove through people’s fences.
There were over 25 calls to the police to come get the drunk off the road. Five police cars were dispatched to try to cordone on street in the block off to stop him.
He accellerated toward the fully lit marked police cars before he gave in and came to a skidding sideways stop into one police car. He could not recite his ABCs as he kept getting stuck on A even thought they’d given him B and C in the question of “recite your ABCs”.
When asked for his ID, after fumbling with it a while, he drunkenly handed his wallet to a cop and slurred, “Here, I can’t work this.”
Needless to say, there was a plea bargain.
Initial honeymoon plans were fora week in Destin, Florida. Friends of ours owned a condo there and that was our wedding gift. Two weeks before our trip, Destin was basically destroyed by a hurricane. We scrambled for alternate plans and ended up splitting time between Savannah, GA and Myrtle Beach. We ended up having a wonderful time. Savannah is an awesome place and Myrtle Beach in early November is a strange place. I had gone to MB every summer with my parents until I was in college and it was always packed. In late fall, MB is deserted. Very relaxing. You could drive up and down N. Ocean Blvd and count the number of cars you passed on one hand. Since the only people there at that time are geriatrics, most of the restaurants close early. We went out to eat at 8pm the first night we were there and almost every sit down place was already closed. We had to end up getting take out pizza and Krispy Kreme donuts.
hmmm, sucks. I had a cop stop me once for doing 45 in a 30 in the city at like 4 AM. The entire conversation went like this;
“Where ya going?”
“Home from work.”
“Anything to drink?”
“Not tonight.”
Is that a Crispy Cream dozen?”
“Yea, I’m not going to finish them if you want one…”
“Boston cream?”
“sure”
“Have a good one.”
I’ll never get that lucky again.
My wife and I went to Corning Museum of Glass and The Rockwell art gallery in Corning NY for our honeymoon. Fun was had by all.
Well, I’ve been pulled over plenty of times. The only times I have gotten tickets I had a boy in the car with me, and one of those times the cop asked me to put my phone number on the ticket. At the time I thought he was hitting on me, but in retrospect, I think he just wanted to make sure I was with the boy of my own free will, as he didn’t look like the type one would be alone with voluntarily. The only time I have been pulled over in recent history was over a holiday weekend driving my former boss’ Lexus with said boss in the passenger seat because he could not drive his own car due to the party plates.
Honeymoon – Caribbean cruise. We missed the beginning of the cruise and had to fly to meet the boat because we got stuck in a blizzard. I would like to say that everything went smoothly after that, but it was one of those trips where you expect Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid to show up at any moment.
On our honeymoon we went to Florida for several days and rented a car. Drove up A1 (I think?) along the East Coast. Then we went to Disney a couple of times. Then to Miami to catch a cruise around the Caribbean. I won $800 on a slot machine on our first night on the ship. We ended up going to the island where they filmed “Gilligan’s Island”. Cool.
We used to go on small trips almost every weekend. We’d stay in an old hotel in Atlanta, Birmingham, Chattanooga, Nashville, and so on. It was a great time. Then we started having kids and had to cut our trip taking way back.
I’ve never been pulled over, not once. (knock on my crotch).
Well, no shit Surf Reporters…
The best thing about this evening?
I didn’t get pulled over
Since my ex and I never got married, no honeymoon stories. We did a lot of traveling though; easy to do with no kids I guess.
I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop in Pittsburgh one time; 42mph in a 25mph zone. No seatbelt on, no driver’s licence on my person, registration lapsed and no emissions sticker. I was driving home on my lunch break to have a couple beers. He said “Son, I could get you for over $1200 in tickets today. Carry your license so that if you get killed in an accident we know who you are.” Let me go with a fix-it ticket for the emissions sticker plus the speeding ticket. I fought the ticket and got it bargained down to 5mph over the limit so I didn’t get any points off my license. Since then, I’ve been a lot smarter about keeping things up to date and watching the speed limits.
Have a good evening, Surf Reporters!
Yeah, what’s up with the “Sir, do you know why I stopped you?” routine. My standard response is, “Uhhhh, you finally caught up to one of the kids who called in a bomb threat to a nursing home in 1971?” Yeah, it’s a true story…one that, at age 52 I’m not real proud of. But after all these years it’s sorta funny.
I’ve had 23 tickets in my life, but none in the past 16 years. My first two were reckless driving tickets. Oh, I did get a citation for “inciting to riot” when I was in my 20s…but I wasn’t at the wheel of the car at the time.
My second reckless driving ticket was truly proof that karma exists. I was trying to outrun a cop on my motorcycle, and crashed. The cop who busted me was my big sister’s first boyfriend from 6 or 7 years prior. I was the TOTAL dick little brother, and made his life a living hell. Fast forward to 1979, and he got to put me in handcuffs and read me my rights. In court, a few weeks later I got fined $250, and a 6 month suspension of my license. A true dick to the end, I told the judge, “Jeez, maybe next time I’ll commit murder…I might get off a little easier.” He wasn’t impressed with my response and told me if I didn’t change my attitude I’d be eligible to get my license back when I got out of jail on a contempt of court charge! Oh yeah…my attitude did a quick 180 when I heard that!
Oh, honeymoon stories. I got married to a former girlfriend in Reno 5 days after I attended the funeral of the girl I planned to marry after she was brutally raped and murdered by her boss. The wife and I were already discussing divorce plans 48 hours later, but held off for 11 months. …and if you think it’s BS, read the book “Fatal Journey” by Jack Gieck. I’m the one in the first hundred pages or so that he decribes as an “insensitive biker.”
Jeff,
Perhaps a little Hall is OK, or perhaps a few Oats, but combining them and listening to them compulsively is dangerous. After you did so, you got a sick secret and a nasty ticket.
Had you, whilst playing H&O, stopped at the blinker, turned off that noxious music, exited the vehicle and put ‘em on the glass of your own volition, just as an admission that adult contemporary music has infected your medulla oblongata, you might have walked away a free man.
Unfortunately, as another ACM act has foretold, after enough H&O tunes, just like after enough highballs, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
It’s time for an intervention, or for voluntary commitment to an ACM recovery facility. They have special buildings for H&O addicts. I know you think you can quit any time; we all do. Write when you get well.
best…jtb
Myself and ‘Rachel the Errolite’ went to Sousse in Tunisia on our honeymoon.
We had an 18mth child in tow (just born slightly out of wedlock!) so we looked for someplace close (under a four hour flight) safe and warm.
Tunisia came up trumps and didn’t dissapoint.
It felt safer than a Saturday night in Glasgow, and had loads of old stuff for me to look at, being Hannibal’s main naval harbour (the general, not the cannibal!).
Traffic cops over here aren’t too bad. I’ve been speeding and driving erratically for years without a problem!
Now that we got the honeymoon and cop stories out of the way, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON IN THE BUNKER CAM? Is is 1970′s sorority chenanigans gone awry or what?
Thanks Gretchen for filling me in, I am a little dense when it comes to pop culture. However as a long time fan of boobs one might think I might have seen that video before this morning.
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die…
@ Ian the Errolite: I misread your 2nd sentence as “18th child in tow”, and did a double-take.
Honeymoon(s):
#1: London/Paris. The UK was great, Paris sucked, mainly due to Parisians.
#2: didn’t really have one, but got married in Vegas on New Year’s Eve (by an Elvis impersonator, yep), had dinner, saw Blue Man Group, and then drank champagne while the fireworks went off on the Strip. Back at the hotel later there were more fireworks, if you know what I mean…
Two nights at the Bellagio over New Year’s cost me more than the wedding – we cancelled the 3rd night because $650 didn’t even get us a “lake”-view room.
Cop stops:
#1: I-495, just about to cross from Mass to NH, I’m in my girlfriend’s pickup towing an empty horse trailer at 72 in a 55 (BTW it was Nixon who instituted 55, not Carter). State Police pull me over and the trooper decides I’m too close to the exit ramp for his liking so could I please back it up. It’s almost impossible to back up an empty trailer when you are tense like that and I kept swinging out towards traffic. The cop looks at me and says “so, you can barrel down the highway at 72 mph, but you can’t back it up at 4 mph?” It took every ounce of my self-control not to cuss him, but I didn’t. He was polite after I backed off that potential confrontation. I think he was just happy to embarrass me in front of my girl. In those days, a speeding ticket in Mass was about $25, and your insurance payment went up by the same amount for a year. It sucked.
#2, just last week, I was arguing with the wife in the car and dropped her off, driving off in a BAD mood. Behind a University cop on campus, the cop car stops suddenly for a group of pedestrians. I slam on the brakes and just barely avoid hitting him. After that, I ride behind him and he decides to go 10 miles an hour in a 25 zone. so I’m a little close still, especially after our near close encounter. He pulls into the turn lane, lets me go past, then comes up behind me and pulls the lights. Since I’m right there, I park in my regular parking place and get out of the car (MISTAKE). He jumps out of the squad car and screams at me to get back in my car, unholstering his weapon as he shouted. Of course I complied. Apparently it is read as potential threat these days whe a driver exits a vehicle during a stop (I hadn’t been pulled over in years). Of course, wearing a long black trench coat probably didn’t help his fear factor. I apologized like crazy for both the tailgating and rapid exit, explaining all about the fight with the wife and bad day blues – he let me go.
It is always best to be polite and contrite during a traffic stop. with a good driving record it is probably the only way to get off with a warning these days.
69 (th) !!!!!!
The most amusing time I ever got pulled over was about 20 years ago in MI. Came up over a hill, there was a cop waiting there. Saw his wheels turn out to come after me and after going around the curve directly at the bottom of the hill, just decided to stop and wait-I mean why the cat and mouse game, I knew he nailed me going 20 over.
He blew past me-slammed on his brakes, and BACKED UP on the shoulder for about a quarter mile until he was directly in front of me. He asked me if I was a policewoman (he was an old dude)-told him, “Nope, just didn’t want you to chase me for no reason, I knew I was speeding”. He totally let me off.
Just a note, this maneuver did not work so well 10 years later, I got a lecture from the cop for stopping before he put his lights on, and got the full on ticket. I deserved it.
Years ago, back when the drinking age was 18 in NY and 20 in Mass., we were coming back to Mass. from the State Line bar (obvious – Mass plates coming over the state line late at night – drinking) and got pulled over. Cop stumbles up to the car and asks me why I stopped – ah, you pulled me over, sir. He then slurs, “a word to the wise, now get out of here.” Yes sir. And we were gone. Drunk cop couldn’t remember why he pulled me over.
Maybe this will help:
http://www.violentacres.com/archives/481/how-to-get-out-of-a-traffic-ticket/
The last time I pulled over a cop I was extremely rude to him and gave him every ticket, citation, and fine that I could think of. That ought to teach those dang cops a thing or two.
Then I went home and had some soup.
I got pulled over one when I was about 17 in my ’66 Chevelle. It was the dead of winter, freezing cold and the wind was blowing, and I had forgotten to turn my lights on when leaving work. I pull over to the side of the road, but my car wouldn’t shift into park. So I’m holding my foot on the brake, and the cop comes up to the window and motions for me to roll it down. Of course, it is frozen shut or stuck, so I open the door a crack. He asks for my license and registration. I reach to open the glove compartment (with one foot propping open the door and the other mashed on the brake), but the glove box button is rusted and won’t open. After several minutes of me pounding on it, the cop finally says, “Look, it’s late and it’s cold. I’m not going to give you a ticket. Just remember to turn your lights on next time. And get a new car!”
Very hurtful. I’d have rather had a ticket.
“He said I was “driving erratically,” and I told him I was trying to get the pickles off my Big Mac.” This is me. I just haven’t gotten pulled over for it. Yet.
Don’t speed through Summersville, WV on 19. I have gotten pulled over for that (and given a $189 ticket).
The wife and I went to Disney World. I got strep throat and a high fever about 2 hours after we checked in.
Guessing ’82…buzzing, friggin’ flying, from Edmonton to Regina. Saskatchewan Is FLAT. This guy, RCMP, had me nailed, I’m sure ten miles out and just waited for me to show up. I think it was outside Swift Current. Very nice guy. Just told me to be careful becauce I might hit a cow.
re: google. Have you got some anti-spider code or so running preventing google from indexing the page(s)?
Shiny Rod -
“At 21, I got pulled over for doing 70 in a 55 zone. Damn you Jimmy Carter.”
JC may deserve an endless ration of shit, but not for this. From Wikipedia:
“The Emergency Highway Energy Conservation Act was a bill in the legislature of the United States federal government that enacted the 55 mph National Maximum Speed Law. States had to agree to the limit if they desired to receive federal funding for highway repair. The uniform speed limit was signed into law by President Nixon on January 2, 1974 and became effective 60 days later.”
Damn you Jimmy Nixon!!
Greg – Yeah, but Jimmy didn’t repeal it when he came in office and I didn’t buy my first car until 1977.
shitmydadsays “You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”
@clintcurtiss are you kidding around? I thought her boyfriend was a meteorologist?
I have gotten pulled over several times. One time I was doing the mom thing chauffering kids various places and of course I was running late. I was indeed speeding. On go the lights. I pull over cop walks up to window and asks for documents. Kids are whispering back and forth. Cop starts to walk back to car and my daughter who was maybe 6 at the time starts bawling and says Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOO now we arent going to get anything for christmas. I look in side mirror and cop stop in tracks. I did get a ticket but it was incredibly low. Then a few years ago I was coming out of the plant where my husband works. I had taken him coffee on his break. I slowed but didnt stop. I go out into main road and on go the lights I pull over cop walks up says Ma’am you didnt make a complete stop. Then says dont think of me as a cop think of my as your financial advisior the best way to save 100 and whatever dollars is to make a full stop at stops signs. then walks bak gets in his car and leaves.
Married twice no honeymoons. I didnt need one.
Game 1World Series…I’ll be on the third floor.
GO PHILLIES! AGAIN!
Honeymooned in Vegas, after getting hitched at a drive thru wedding chapel with an Elvis impersonator as our witness. Must have worked for us, because we’ll be celebrating our 10th anniversary on Sunday.
I’ve had many encounters with traffic cops over the years, as it’s nearly impossible for me to drive the posted speed limit. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve answered the questions “Do you know why I pulled you over?” or “Do you know how fast you were going?” (And just what is the correct response, anyway?) I even have a small collection of the written warnings I’ve received instead of the speeding tickets I should have. I think that I only ever got one real ticket for speeding, and the officer was nice enough to fudge the numbers so that I wouldn’t get any points on my license.
I guess the most memorable time I got pulled over was when I got a ticket for a noisy muffler. It was about 3am, and I was driving home after dropping a friend off at his house. I don’t even think we were drinking that night. Five minutes after I left his house, I saw the flashing lights of doom in my rear view mirror. The cop so wanted to bust me for drinking and driving, so he made me get out of the car to do the drunk tests (walking in a straight line, saying the alphabet backwards, touching my nose, etc.) I passed with flying colors, so instead he informed me that I would be receiving a ticket for violating some sort of noise curfew wth my broken muffler. Unfreakingbelievable.
Yeah, if they pull you over because they think you are drunk and you’re not, they’ll think of something else. My son got the old Noise Ordinance thing when they pulled him over and no one in the car was drunk. The day of his hearing I went to City Hall to get a copy of the Noise Ordinance (small town – cops were informed someone was checking). They made us wait until last and we got fucked. Fuckers.
Oh, and witnesses don’t matter.
@retrollama:
Another Vegas/Elvis wedding!
Congrats, and it looks like it worked for me too as we are 5 years down the road this New Year’s Eve.
I had a skinny Elvis, how about you?
Go Phillies, hoping for a sweep!
My most memorable time I got pulled over was with two friends of mine, Doug (no relation) and Glenn. Doug had a Mach One Mustang with a 351. He decided that it would be really cool to stop in front of the State Police barracks and lay 50 ft of rubber on the road for their enjoyment. We barely got to the end of the road when we were pulled over by two state troopers, two city cops, and one county sherrif’s deputy. I was sitting in the back seat, where my shoes were actually splashing in beer which had spilled due to the rapid & unexpected accelleration. I couldn’t hear what Doug was saying to the officers because of the radio and the engine noise, but I sat there hoping that my 19 y/o ass wasn’t going to jail – as surely Doug was. I was totally shocked when we pulled away and continued on with our evening. I never did find out why.
@ Malcolm
Skinny Elvis, of course! And congrats to you, as well…