I Gave It Four Stars At Netflix
A couple years ago I had a conversation with someone, and they were warning me about teenage boys and their mega-turds. About how they can flat-out destroy residential plumbing…
I remember laughing about it, and telling Toney, but can’t recall who gave me this advice. I thought about it all weekend, and came up empty. Was it one of you guys? If it was, please tell me. Because I need closure.
I was very skeptical, I know, because I was once a teenage boy myself, and don’t think of it as my Big Log Years, or anything like that. No, I just assumed the person’s kid must’ve been, you know, portly, and it had more to do with the amount going-in than his age.
Indeed, I have a cousin who is a long way from petite, and I remember him overflowing my grandmother’s toilet when he was twelve or thirteen. I can still see her shrieking in terror and stabbing at the culprit with the stick-end of a plunger, trying to bust it up and end the fecal nightmare.
“It was as big around as the top of my arm!” she later exclaimed. And I don’t think I stopped laughing until the middle of the next week.
It never occurred to any of us to blame it on him being thirteen, or whatever. I mean, seriously. That boy could eat.
And why do I bring this up, you ask? Well, you can probably guess: the toilets at our house are suddenly overflowing on a weekly basis. Coincidentally, after a certain thirteen year old has exited the small room with a Musician’s Friend catalog under his arm…
A couple days ago I had to perform an emergency plunge in the upstairs bathroom, and the water was circling menacingly at the very top of the bowl. We barely averted disaster with that one, and while I was tending to it the smoke alarm started going off in the living room.
“Good God!” I hollered. “You’re overflowing toilets, setting off alarms… Have you ever heard of a glass of water?!”
Toney was making BLTs for dinner, which always sets off the smoke detectors. But it was a lot more fun to blame it on the Christmas ham our boy had apparently introduced into the sewage system.
And over the weekend it happened again, this time downstairs. He came to me with a panicked look I’m starting to recognize. “Not again!” I bellowed, before he’d even had a chance to say anything.
“Why does this keep happening?” Toney said.
“Why? Because a toilet isn’t designed to handle something the size of a Chinese gymnast!” I yelled over the sound of rubbery water-suction.
But I got it under control in short order, and it wasn’t nearly as menacing as the upstairs adventure. I gave Mr. Pipebuster a few more samples of my “comedy,” and returned to the bunker.
And I started thinking… maybe it does have something to do with age? Because the Secret is skinny. He swims four or five nights a week, and doesn’t have an ounce of body fat, that I can see. He’s also a picky eater, and often just moves his dinner around on his plate for ten minutes, then calls it a day.
So, who the hell knows? I wish I could remember who told me about it, so I could go back for further research. Do you know anything about this? Is there something about the early teen years that translates into jumbo-poop?
Later that night I was watching Play Misty For Me (I gave it four stars at Netflix), and paused the DVD for a brief stand-up bathroom break. Then I went down to the basement and grabbed a beer, and decided to check my email during intermission.
And at first I thought Andy was drinking water. That’s what it sounded like, a dog lapping from a water bowl. But it kept going and going, and I remember wondering if Black Lips might be diabetic.
After this “drinking” continued for a solid minute, I started to get suspicious. I walked out into the family room and Andy looked at me, concerned, from the loveseat.
What the hell?!
It was the downstairs toilet, overflowing again. Apparently I hadn’t done an adequate plunge-job earlier in the day, and water was now standing in the bathroom and flowing into the hall. I mean, lots and lots of water.
Sweet sainted mother of Gerry Rafferty!! I waded into the bathroom, splashing water all around, and began a frantic attack with the plunger again. This time I worked it so hard I could hear gurgling in the shower drain.
The water receded, but plenty of damage had already been done. I sloshed into the hallway, and the carpet was completely saturated the entire length of the washer and dryer. Every time I took a step water bubbled-up like I was taking a seaside walk.
I looked at the mess and calculated it would require a full hour to correct. Boy, this really eats it from the ass-in… I sighed, knocked something off the top of my foot that looked like an onion skin (I tried not to think about it), and went to the basement for more beer.
And about ninety minutes later I had roughly 80% of the water off the floor. We don’t have a wet/dry vac, so I had to do my best with towels: dozens and dozens of towels. It wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty good.
I finished the movie, and when I climbed into bed Toney came half-awake.
“Be careful going into the downstairs bathroom,” I told her. “About a thousand gallons of water came out of the toilet.”
“OK, goodnight,” she said, and returned to her sleep-breathing.
The next morning I got up and there was a table fan blowing across the flood zone. And, of course, Toney didn’t remember our brief conversation from the night before. I told her the story, and she tried to blame me for overflowing the toilet.
“I peed!” I hollered. “You can’t clog a toilet with pee! Unbelievable. I spent three hours cleaning up that mess, and now I’m being viciously attacked? I had nothing to do with it, I wasn’t the author of that masterpiece…”
I had a cup of coffee, and went in there to take a shower. And when I came out my glasses were all foggy, and I tripped over the fan. My right leg got wrapped up in the cord, the blades started pounding against my shins, and I almost did a face-plant into the side of Toney’s computer desk.
And everyone just laughed and laughed and laughed…
How was your weekend?
Filed under: Daily
Gold!!
Never had teenage boy related clogs and I raised two.
Can’t help ya there.
Buy a new toilet from Toto, those things will flush anything…….
Ah, fecal humor- is there anything finer?
We have two toilet paper-lovin’ girls here in the house, so I have a bit of experience with the plunger. I’d suggest buying the thinnest TP your tucchus will abide. That super quilted puffy stuff clogs the pipes every time.
At my house both the boy and the girl have clogged the hell out of things, and I discovered two distinct causes: The boy, starting at age 12 or so, developed the forearm-sized turds. Using normal flushing techniques, these would go down just fine since the front toilet is roughly 20 years old, and ain’t one of those sissy low-water usage models. The boy, I found, was just slapping at the flush handle, holding it down for mere seconds, just enough to firmly wedge his log in the chute. Now the girl, on the other hand, she’s just a paper hog. She takes the roll off the dispenser, and wraps it around her hand like she’s going as a mummy for Halloween. Volume of paper is her vice.
Oh no!!
My thirteen old son is a monster turd dropper. I ordered him to flush before starting the paper work and that worked for a while. Then he started getting lazy again so I trained him in the fine art of fecal pipe massaging and made him the official family plunger.
Haven’t had a problem since.
You need a couple of Champions. I’ve replaced 3 out of the 4 reading chairs at our home with these – and it was well worth it. The fourth will be replaced very soon. And yes, it is a teenager thing – even 13 year old girls can do some real damage.
http://www.americanstandard-us.com/Tools/BestFlush/default.aspx
Son of Sam and Beerhound:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=676VArJiBgI
I love the smell of the WVSR on a Monday morning!!
Awesome update!
Top Ten!
My boy has just turned 16. I have had no evidence of turd monsters. This weekend he started working with a personal trainer– same problem as the Secret– no body fat–works out too much. And, not enough protein intake to gain weight.
He had to change his whole diet. We are targeting 150 grams of protein a day. Last night I took the opportunity to tell him that he should not be surprised if his bathroom habits changed. And he might need to plan for that at school. Public bathroom concerns on his part (Jeff).
He hates talking about bathroom stuff with me and thinks I am weird– hey, I’m his mom. He said ” I’m going 3-4 times a day.” My DH looked at him and looked at me and said “number 2?” Boy said, “No, I only go #2 twice a day…”
So, in my house, we may have a frequency problem–which may also be a quantity problem. But, keep your fingers crossed, so far the septic system is holding up.
Nothing like checking the computer on Monday morning and finding you helped provide a “Surf Report Classic!” It’s a great feeling.
Our 10 (almost 11) year old son has been a master clogger (and I mean of toilets, not Jesco White style dancin’) as soon as he was toilet trained. We order him to use the bathroom daily – we felt like maybe he was holding it for a coupla days or something. We still have problems, but fewer than before. There’s always a plunger handy, anyway!
My oldest daughter (now almost 12) has been dropping regulation softballs down the chute for years. I have almost thrown out a shoulder trying to break up one of her Turds of Doom!! I look at one of those things and can’t help but think “If something that big dropped out of me, the screams could be heard for miles”
It’s gems like this that keep us coming back for more…..
“Why? Because a toilet isn’t designed to handle something the size of a Chinese gymnast!” I yelled over the sound of rubbery water-suction.
I had a similar experience this past year. However, it happened when I came under the untrue assumption that ANYTHING can be run through a garbage disposal. I marked the leftovers of a KFC feast off that list after I opened the diswatcher to find standing brown water. It was a three hour ordeal that involved a 25-foot plumbers snake, three gallons of liquid plummer, and a half pound of crystal draino.
Buck Out
We keep several Musicians Friend catalogs in the crapper here at the office and have never had a flushing issue. Therefore it must be the boy. It might be “400 feet of paper per turd” syndrome. This affects 1 in 3 children between the ages of 10 and 17.
Please show your concern and awareness of this growing tragedy by wearing the brown and white ribbon…we can make a difference!
my 11 year old daughter regularly forgets to flush…just the other day I remember thinking, “funny, I don’t remember feeding her whole soup cans for dinner…”
In any case, thank god she didn’t try to flush that thing down before it had the chance to soften up in the bowl.
Jeff, the part of flicking the onion skin off your foot made me dry heave a little. well done!
I never had a clogged toilet ’til I got a roommate. He was 38, but had the maturity level of an 11 year old.
Haven’t had to dust off that plunger since I kicked him and his overwrought colon out of my house.
One word………………….Fibercon! Does wonders for teenage monster turditis.
My weekend couldn’t compare…I LOL’ed and then I think I let out two drops of pee reading your story!
I think the problem is caused by WAY TOO MUCH toilet paper being used and flushed at once.
I recall my brother was ordered to take an old dinner knife with him into The Library, in order to make things a little more manageable. Years later we still joke about “Andy’s Knife.” And then gag a little.
“size of a Chinese gymnast”…
…oooh, there are tears streaming down my face right now.
I, too, have a 13 year old boy…..
The problem might be that he’s evacuating too quickly. Slow and steady wins the race in this case. Maybe the sphincter die isn’t getting the chance to shape it into a small rope because it’s being belted out into a football shape. KnowhatImean? Slow and steady.
Maybe you have “water saver” toilets? Those things are pitiful. They’re all the rage in Europe and California. It’s an elongated toilet with a platform of ceramic just below the drop zone, and a tiny puddle of water below. It always requires “help” if you catch my drift.
We had a party last year and this guy “Nick” headed for the bathroom as everyone started to leave. He came out about 15 minutes later and quickly left. I went into the hall bath and it was covered in several inches of shit and water. There was toilet paper hanging out of the toilet. He must have known he’d made the mess because I saw wet footprints on the carpet leading out of the crime scene. Needless to say, he hasn’t been back.
Oh GOD, please stop Jeff…stop! I’m blowing snot out my nose and tears are pouring out of my eyes. I haven’t laughed this hard in years. Absolute Gold Jerry! Gold!
On a more serious note, I’ve had this same problem for my whole life. My poor wife can spout off the number of times of embarrassment for her at my “problem” out in public restrooms, as well as usually at home. I am also fairly skinny, at least for most of my life, and my mother has informed me that my “problem” dates back to my diaper days and she believes that I’ve been afflicted with an over-size colon. TMI? Yeah well, what better people to share it with?
My kids are both small and of the female persuasion,, but the 8 year old is a t.p. hog and then she forgets to flush on top of it. So, she regularly clogs the toilet. (I remind her that we live in Texas where “dirty hippie” habits like not flushing after you pee will get you shot, or at least run out of town, but she seems unmoved.)
But the worst culprit is my husband. He is a restaurant manager at a pizza/salad/pasta place and he eats either lunch or dinner on his shifts……. It doesn’t take much imagination to figure out the damage that man can do to a septic system!! We call them the “pizza turds” – ick. He won’s take a lunch to work either – I begged.
I used to clog the downstairs toilet until we remodeled it and we got one of those Toto’s that flushes 2 dozen golf balls. Not a problem since then…and I’ve given it a few good tests.
My younger sister’s boyfriend get his 14 year old son every other weekend. This kid is 6 feet tall and weighs about 180.
My sis kept telling me that he regularly clogs toilets because he has beer can size turds. Finally, she had a serious discussion with him and explained it like this. Turd, flush, turd, flush, turd, flush, wipe, flush, wipe, flush, etc. Problem solved.
I can’t put it delicately so I’ll here goes: maybe he’s in there doing what teenage boys do six or seven times a day and is using lots of toilet paper for cleanup
I’ve got more, and hardoxdan, I do the method you suggested and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
But one time I had a friend drop a zucchini into a motel toilet after we had just checked in and overflowed it. It was a small motel and the owner/desk clerk had to come up to plunge away and clean up and we could hear him in there choking and heaving at the intestinal pollution. We had to leave the room we were laughing so hard. My friend is apologizing as the guy comes out and he’s like, “No problem son, goes with the territory”.
Wish me luck, I’m about to go drop one here at work (no problem here Jeff) and I’ve overflowed it on one occasion. Thank God there was a drain nearby and skidaddled out of there before anyone knew it was me. I left it there for the janitors to clean up. Hey, it’s their job.
Oh my, laughing while reading the post, ready to hurl by the end of the comments. Yikes.
I have 2 little boys and I already fear their toilet damage. 13 will be ugly.
The things you learn from the WVSR….
No clogged toilet stories here. Perhaps I’ve blocked them from my memory. As for this weekend, I watched my two football teams edge perilously closer to meeting each other in the big dance. At this point an all-PA Superbowl is looking like a gut-wrenching possibility. Loyalties will be divided! Families torn asunder! Friends will turn enemies! Toilets will clog! I may roll up in a ball like Nostrils.
Let me just say that the plunger used to remain outside, in the storage room. It is now in the bathroom where it is readily available.
Son’s age? Almost 17.
However, I’m with the group that says it’s the amount of paper used.
Good Morning Surf Reporters!!!
15 yr. old Secret produces some might voluminous poops, but the wife is just as proficient. She’s slight of frame and it’s amazing , utterly amazing that a tiny woman like that can load up the crapper. ….. poop stories, jeeze….
My weekend was everything I dreamed it would be, with mass consumption of barley water and majorly good eats. Yesterday was spent on domestic duties in preparation of the Steelers/Chargers game. My buddy stopped by and we ate and drank and ate and drank some more all while watching ‘dem Stillers kick some serious ass.
Can’t wait to do it all over again this coming weekend. If we get through Baltimore, and I’m fairly confident we can, Super Bowl party time!!
One last item on a side note*** the link to Further Evidence is pretty freakin’ cool. Check out some of those drawings, damn good stuff…..
I feel for you Jeff. I have a 12 year old boy. Combine that with the screeching of two older girls fighting over the bathroom mirror and you’ll be properly introduced to my life.
I’m thinking of renting a port-a-potty.
Beer helps.
My mother-in-law (ex) clogged my toilet so bad one time that it required having the toilet removed, and the clogged pursued from the floor level. The plumber said the problem was “like a railroad tie.”
After reading over some of these post it seems clear that Jeff has a problem shitting at work, or in public. Is that right?
Add me to that list. I NEVER shit in public. Period. I didn’t shit while attending school, I don’t shit at work, I don’t shit at resturants, and so forth.
For one thing I think it would be humiliating. But it’s also rude. You can’t wait until you get home for chrissake? Most men apparently can’t. I don’t remember the last time I went to piss at a bookstore, Red Lobsta, or anywhere else where some guy hadn’t just shat or was in the process of shitting when I walked in.
my girlfriend clogged the toilet by flushing a pot of stew i we forgot to eat (it was nasty when it was “edible”)… bones and all.
wound up replacing the toilet from that….
My youngest son, and my brother-in-law both were not allowed to use a toilet in someone else’s house due to this size problem.
you can quickly and easily clog up a toilet by angrily flushing down a large bowl of freshly popped popcorn. This type of clog involves removal of the toilet and a hefty plumber bill.
Brandy, you don’t have to do it “angrily”. You can be a great mood and simply say “hey yall, watch this” and get the same effect.
I’m going to have to quit reading this site at work if I can’t get my snort/laugh under better control. I nie most choked myself with this one.
my 13 yr old son has poop issues. i thought it was a paper problem at first…so I had him put all the poop paper in the trash can (with strick orders to take the trash out after each poop)…but the turds still clog the toilet.
I have just been chalking it up to “small toilet pipes” and low water pressure…but maybe it is a 13yr old phenomenon???
in my younger years I was a maintainance man at a large condo complex in scootsdale,AZ. An older woman resident would call about quiting time and complain that her toilet was nearly overflowing. I went to her unit several days in a row. i would flush & plunge that thing several times and it would seem to be alright. Hell No! Same occurance day after day. I kept asking her if she had accidently dropped something in? No she replied each time. Finally I decided to install a new toilet. Guess what I found in the old one . . . . . give up? I found her false teeth!
Scottsdale !
False teeth! I would have never guessed that. I had three guesses: clown wig, beach towel, popcorn.
Did she have a spare set or something?
She had been eating soup for a week!
~~~Jason
you said “I didn’t shit while attending school.” THAT, my friend, could not have been healthy. What are we talking? 4 years? That first post graduation deposit must have been incredible….
I’ve had to remove the toilet more than once to locate the source of a clog. The last time, it was a $45 bottle of face lotion. Yes, I considered continuing to use the lotion once it was retrieved and the bottle wiped clean, but later opted against it. It might not have had the result i’m looking for…
I share a home with all females (3 daughters & a wife) and have had no clog issues until one day when my older Brother visits fora few days.
The kids call me to the scene of the crime and say the toilet won’t flush. It was not only the size and shape of a driveway paving stone but it equaled it’s strenght and hardness.
I told them to leave the house as the effort was going to require energy and frequent cursing.
Uhhh, Jeff, perhaps the problem lies in your plumbing. I was in Western NY over Christmas and the septic tanks at numerous homes were backing up due to the runoff caused by lots of snow suddenly melting off. If you have a septic tank, you might want to have someone come and pump it out.
On a side note, even people in town on the city sewer system were sometimes not immune from the problem.
My last and only stoppage was constructed by my chow/boxer mix. She evidently decide that the tiolet would be a good place to wash her rubber toy (Kong). It advertently got stuck in the trap and I evntually had to drain and tear down the tank and then remove the throne (toilet bowl), remove and replace the wax seal. I found the toy lodge in the trap effectively blocking anything from being allowed to pass. Thankfully it wasn’t full of turds. She has been banned from drinking from the comode and her Kongs have been confiscated. Jeff, maybe it was Andy, either way have a plumber run a snake through the system. You may have downstream blockage that is slowing business from moving along and check that magazine out, teens have been know to hide girly mags behind innocent covers. You know, the old Hustler with the NG cover.
When we had our bathroom remodeled, we even bought one of those sooper flush toilets (“can flush a dozen golf balls!”) Well, I guess it has to be golf ball sized and all because our son has clogged it on a number of occasions.
…and another work story. One day, I had to take the occasional morning constitutional and ventured to the stall to release the hounds. To my surprise, someone had already released theirs and boy were they barking for business. I mean the last time I saw something this big; it came out of the business end of a southbound pachyderm. I mean this thing was almost cresting the top of the bowl. I almost was ready to take pictures and send them to Ripley’s or the to Guinness’s World Records. This did not come out of a human. But common sense prevailed and I plugged my nose, turned my head and hit the flusher. The turd pile rose above the seat and I started fearing it was not going to make it. Then its started spinning around as if it were trying to lift off like a human created UFO. But it just sat there spinning around and I was starting to fear that someone would come in and see this thing and blame me for the carnage. The spinning slowed down and the toilet gave up a burping sound and then sat there doing nothing, the turd still parked in the commode did not budge an inch. Determination got the best of me and this bad boy was going down at any cost and I was starting to run out of breathe. I hit the flush again, this time holding the lever down. The gurgling sound of the toilet was scaring me that this thing might erupt and I might have to consider professional help to battle this beast. The air biscuits were tearing through my fingers trying take any ounce of breath that I had left. It was a do or die situation and this beast was not making a move for the exit. I hit the lever a third time and I could see the beast breaking up. It was finally giving up and calling it quits. I wanted to exhale and celebrate the victory but it would be too premature to do so until this beast was vanquished. All this and my gut was starting to rip at me. I had forgotten that I had come to launch a similar routine into the depths of the porcelain jungle. With my gut ripping at me, the last vestige of the beast succumbed to the murky deep as it waved its last good bye. That familiar sound of the toilet engulfing the last remnants of the beast and pulling him under for the last plunge was ring in my ears. My work over, I exited the restroom and headed for one of the other toilets down the hall. No way was I going to stick around if this monster decided to climb its way back out of the pipes.
best update EVER!!!!!!! i got my ab workout from laughing for the past 20 minutes, so thanks!
seriously…i’m sorry you almost killed yourself, but this is like a CD going diamond.
hi-fucking-larious!
When I was 7 I lived in the phillippines.
We had an incident where one of the younger, native kids in school flushed a miniature container 2×3 container of Vaseline down the ‘mode.
When he was caught later, after the ‘mode was snaked out, he said he was trying to send it to the principal’s office! Apparently, terlets are teleportation devices.
Really really weird moment.
@Dogberryjr – You must be a Greaseman officianodo, I have not heard anyone use tucchus since he ahem, went off the air. We miss you Greaseman, please come back. Now he had some great shitter stories.
Both the THings are expert plunger-wielders, becuase there’s no way I’m going into our bathroom any sooner that I have to after one of them drops a load. Ew.
Forget teenagres though – I recall when Thing 1 was a BABY his poops would have made any grown man proud. He’s the skinny one of my two. Wonderif it’s a body-fat-to-poop-density thing?
You definately have some plumbing issues to deal with Jeff. This “running water” you hear… If the old bowl clogs, that water should stop after about a tanks worth. If its still going, check the flapper in the tank, and in turn the valve itself.
Mansfield also makes a good toilet. Takes care of my shitburgs every time.
Do your terlets have a dual flush mode? Quick stab at the handle for a quick flush. Won’t do much except for little bird turds.
2nd flush, hold the handle down for the cleansing action and shitburg destruction.
Ever had you pipes cleaned out?
It’s in the fiber, kids (teens) just don’t eat the correct amount of fiber or they use to much to wipe with. Start giving them fibercon supplements and the flushing problems will subside. They also should be drinking lots of water, at least a gallon a day.
Following is a link to one gigantic turdie.
Somewhat not safe for work, that is if your employer frowns upon you looking at pictures of enormous poop.
Here’s the link>>>> http://tinyurl.com/5p6foa
and here’s the source>>>> http://superpoop.com/
Shiny Rod- Oh yes, big Greaseman fan, from the early 80′s even. Man, you make one little tasteless joke . . .
I knew that creative writing class would come in hand sooner or later.
It sad that people take these shock jocks seriously and don’t listen to the disclaimer “For entertainment purposes only”, otherwise Rush would be picking up a unemployment check too.
@ Shiny Rod: “Release the hounds”. You’re killin’ me!
2 females here and i think they gift wrap every turd ,they use up a roll every two days.when they are gone one roll makes it seven days.so i to think waaay to much paper goes swimming than needs to
Heard on the radio today “Take the Browns to the Superbowl”
heh
hey, just curious….
has anyone else seen this>” Your comment is awaiting moderation.” after a post?
I have that hanging around on a post I made at 4:50 today…
let’s see if it happens again…. here’s what is was:
Following is a link to one gigantic turdie.
Somewhat not safe for work, that is if your employer frowns upon you looking at pictures of enormous poop.
Here’s the link>>>> http://tinyurl.com/5p6foa
and here’s the source>>>> http://superpoop.com/
yep did it again
I used to live in a 1950′s built, 1980′s remodeled house with big giant cast iron pipes, Nothing could clog those pipes, Nothing.
We had a man from Lowes come and install a french door and he showed up around 1, started to work and then asked if he could use the restroom, sure. My mom raised me and four boys in this house, 4 big boys, never had a single back up, this Lowes guy was in there for over an hour, AN HOUR!!! I was keeping track cause there was no way I was paying labor for him to give birth. I finally gave up and called the husband, ME: “Come home the repair man has barracaded himself in the bathroom.” Him:”No thats not an emergency.” ME: Come home the guy is in there its been an hour and there is no noise, not even a flush.” Him: I am not coming home from work early cause there is a repairman camped in the bathroom.” ME: You better get your F-N ASS home right now or I am going to start beating your golf clubs against the tree in the front yard.” Him: I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” Me: OK, I love you, Bye.”
After 1 hour and 22 minutes the man came out without flushing and said ” I can’t flush cause there’s not a plunger.” Me: We don’t have one. Him: WHAT??
Well, we had in the history of the house never needed one. He said and I quote “Don’t go in there. Wheres the closest store?
K-mart 11 miles away, the guy had to leave drive to the store buy a plunger and come back, by that time the husband was there, First question the husband asked the guy was why didn’t you just flush? The guys response, I kid you not was ” I couldn’t. I topped off the bowl. This is a giant 1950′s toilet that takes 12 gallons of water to flush and he topped off the bowl. The husband and I were awed. Disgusted, but awed, now that is volume. Needless to say he “Fixed the toilet and installed the door for FREE!! Apologizing the whole time.
I forgot to add this earlier. When my daughter was about 7 or 8 years old, she used to refer to Number 2 as:
“Taking the Cosbys to the pool.”
negotiating the release of a chocolate hostage
I laughed so hard I fainted and hit my head on the kitchen counter. That was a top ten. Thanks.
We love the earth, and all that bullshit. So instead of toilet paper we have a wire brush in a glass jar full of that blue liquid from the barber shop sitting on the toilet. There’s instructions as to how to clean your ass taped to it.
When I was little I used to like to sit on the toilet backwards and use the top of the tank as a place to rest my arms or play with toy trucks. Today I do the same thing, but I use the top of the tank to hold drinks and sandwiches.
When I wakeup with a “piss hardon” in the morning I like to lay across the toilet in the “flying superman” position. That way I don’t squirt piss all over the walls and ceiling.
Aaaaaand scene. I’m outta here.
I just have a little table in my bathroom to hold the beer and sandwiches.
Surf Report Classic.
My Mom has a toilet that will clog on rabbit turd. It doesn’t help that she buys Charmin. My wife has embarrassed herself at inopportune times. I am armed with the plunger more than my wife would like to admit.
I am also the plumber/supervisor at my job. Toilet paper and turd projecting out of the water has not been kind to me over the last five years. I don’t know why a higher pay grade makes me have to dry heave every couple of weeks.
My almost 15 year old grandson has stopped up toilets from here to Florida, almost daily.
I’m strangely fascinated by these comments.
grossed out, but definitely fascinated.
Whoever had to CUT THEIR POOP WITH A KNIFE has my vote.
Jibblies!
I have to leave for work in ten minutes, and the update isn’t going to be finished by then. I’ll try to post it in the middle o’ the night. Sorry about that.
W H A TTTTT????? The report isn’t on our desks as requested ? You are fired !!!!!!!!
Hard to follow up yesterday’s opus, eh?
Speaking of cutting turds with a knife, when I worked at a group home some years ago, We had a resident who would get so impacted that resident nurse would have to go in with a spoon to remove his softball size poops. I never did two things at the home, use any spoons or assist in the extracation. The amazing thing is that he was fed Ensure thru a tube. He never ate solid food.
Heaviest Element Known To Science Discovered…
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
speaking of impacted poop and knives and spoons…..didn’t we hear something like that around here? hmmmm?
memory serves that we did……..
metallic smelling, sea horse shaped shitlets?
@JCIII
Whenever you LINK to something .. it awaits moderation.
@hardoxdan
I laughed but that was uncalled for
@Jason
Thank you for the new inventive ways to use the toilet.
My husb claims that morning hard-ons cause the pee to come out sideways. .and you can never predict which side.
I believe him now.
@Mark
Best spam comment evah!
………………………………………
But okay I have a theory on the teenage boys:
It’s not the paper. I have seen these abominations with my own eyes (See JCIII link) growing up with 2 brothers. They would often call the family into the bathroom to witness their greatness. My dad would give high fives. No, we did not grow up in the south and YES I got a high fiver a few times.
That said –
Flock the fiber. Save the plumbing with colace stool softener.
Buy popsicles and save the sticks for breaking up.
Using the end of the plunger is ghetto use something disposable.
For those of you telling Jeff to buy new toilets –
Have you not been paying attention?
Jeff hates spending money on stuff that brings him back to yesterday.
Great post Jeff!
I never reached for the internet yesterday
(gasp! it happens)
and missed the festivities.
Oh and Jeff:
If it’s about to overflow you can prevent it by taking the lid off of the tank and lifting the float.
PS:
I love you guys…..
OMG, Mark, that is hilarious! and so appropriate!
It appears our Husky scribe is running silent, running deep.
Jesus Tapdancing Christ. What is this, Sunday? Hard to bitch about a lack of updates when their free, I suppose. But the same could be said for sunlight. Sure, it’s free. But take it away and you’d have some bitching going on.
Hope you had a decent day at work, sir.
Here’s a thought: why not install blender blades at the bottom of toilets? They’d chew whatever met them as soon as the flush handle was hit. Do I need to go to the patent office again? Wake up people!
jason, that would require a whole new level of discipline for bullying middle-schoolers that administer a swirly to a classmate…
Brandy,
Did I point out the flaws in your angry flushed popcorn theory (carmel popcorn would be super better) for shitsake? No, I did not. Give me a break, sugartits. Have a little respect for the craft. That is, the bullshit craft.
But hey, what if the blender could be made to go off before the person got off the can? It might make a water “rooster tail”, which could clean the ass and make toilet paper a thing of the past. The same way that corn cobs, Sear’s pages, and velcro gloves are a thing of the past. Right?
Who says velcro gloves are a thing of the past? C’mon, surely they’re available all over Alabama?
i just took a dump and threw it in the hvac vent… i fucking hate my coworkers and i want them to die stabbity deaths in the pulper..
Good Morning Surf Reporters………
A rare update from the home base. I actually took the whole day off, first time I’ve had a day off(save for Sundays and Holidays) in quite a while.
I slept in(it was glorious), and when I awoke I thought two things; 1- I’m off from work!! Yea, me, and 2 – There’s a fresh update waiting in the wings!
OK so it all didn’t work out 100%, but I am not complaining. I’m sitting here at the home computer in jeans and a sweatshirt, not working.
All work and no update makes Brandy a dull girl.
All work and no update makes Brandy a dull girl.
All work and no update makes Brandy a dull girl.
All work and no update makes Brandy a dull girl.
All work and no update makes Brandy a dull girl.
All work and no update makes Brandy a dull girl.
All work and no update makes Brandy a dull girl.
All work and no update makes Brandy a dull girl.
We went to look at new cars this morning. I asked to see the trade-ins at the back of the lot. We walked through a fence and I spotted a car at the back that looked interesting. When we got close it became apparent that someone was laying in the back seat. He was clearly jacking himself off. It’s the damndest thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Our sales girl called a security guard and he came over and the guy came out. Turns out he was a mechinic that worked there. He claimed he was “tightening up the seats from below”. Whatever dude. I didn’t even bother to test drive his little jackoff pod. And we left.
~~Jason~~
wow, just…wow. I’ve been in the car business for over 10 years and that’s a new one on me. Instead of saying he was “tightening up the seats from below” he should have said he was testing the stain protection on the upholstery. That would be more believable!!
Shitter must be full.
Lubing the chassis, as it were……
That is, by far, the best laugh I have had in a long time. You are too, too funny for your own good.
I have a four year old who is only about an inch short of fouling up our plumbing, so I can only imagine what’s in store by age 12…
Will get back to you.
I’m still laughing!
Holy cow this made my day. How sad is that?? All I can say is I have been there and done that with a teenage son. We even bought one of those no clog toilets. But guess what? Within the first week we installed it, yep, you guessed it, he had clogged it up.
Update was good . . . but the comments were even better. I’m typing through the tears!!
I have a 4-yr old that is a “fully contributing member” of the household. I jokingly ask him, “Where were you hiding that?!!” to some of his contributions. If they’re big now . . . who knows what size he’ll be dumping in the teen years.
Howdy Ho! Gee Jeff, that was a swell update.
The whole clogging the toilet could be a teenager deal, but maybe a boy thing. Not sure. We have a 14 year old that can pass logs large enough for Nasa to investigate. What’s up with that?
I had a breakfast crisis this morning. I was out early (before 9:00) and decided I could go for some breakfast at Burger King. Maybe a Croissan’wich or an enormous omelet sandwich – man, those things are good.
But the first BK said they didn’t open until 10:30. The second one was open when I pulled in at 10:15, but they were selling hamburg sandwiches. Frick. I’d had breakfast at both places before. Did BK stop selling breakfast all of the sudden?
I made my way to a local “Biscut Express” and ordered a sausage, egg, and cheese biscut. When I got down the road I opened the bag to find a goddamn fried bologna biscut. Who would eat such a thing? I tossed it out the window and drove away defeated.
If the basement toilet keeps backing up, you may want to think about roto rooter. we had to do that after our downstairs started backing up every other day. We routed out the roots and the backup problem was gone.