Help Me Save Law & Order!
I read somewhere there’s a British version of Law & Order in the works. Law & Order: UK is what it will be called, and I wouldn’t mind checking it out, once it starts airing; I’d like to see who they choose to play EuroScrote.
As interesting as the new show sounds, though, how much more can they realistically wring from that franchise? Isn’t it fairly well spent at this point? Sadly, I suspect we might already be past the sell-by date.
But I’d like to do my part to keep it going, and I’m sure many of you feel the same way. So, I’m going to recommend a few new variations (in TV Guide format), and turn it over to you. Maybe we can come up with an idea, or two, which will keep Law & Order chugging along for another decade or more?
I’ll get the ball rolling…
Law & Order: Scranton After a cuppa two tree prostitutes are found murdered in the city, Detective Scrotekowski zeroes in on a suspicious porketta vendor from Throop, in an episode titled “Murder, Or No?”
Law & Order: Hooterville Floyd Smoot comes under suspicion when a Haitian immigrant is found savagely beaten near the railroad tracks outside Crabwell Corners. An uncooperative Alf Monroe holds the key to the mystery.
Law & Order: Battle Creek Apple Jack crosses the line while trying to obtain a confession from a drifter suspected of killing a local celebrity named Crackle. Extreme pressure to solve the crime, brought by the victim’s two politically-connected brothers, threatens Jack’s sanity and career.
Law & Order: The Villages After a man is discovered murdered near a golf cart overpass, detectives learn the victim had many enemies – due to continuous bragging about his expensive titanium replacement hip.
Law & Order: TVH Regional detectives for the True Value Hardware Corporation travel to Ass Cyst, Arkansas, to investigate the suspicious disappearance of a beloved night manager, known as Bimbo.
Law & Order: Pleasantville Detective Scrotenreiter is introduced to his new partner, and is surprised to learn he’s in color. The contentious pair struggle with their personal differences, while trying to capture the notorious Mutilator of Whores.
So there you go… I wanted to do one called Law & Order: Bumfuck, but couldn’t really come up with a concept. You guys can take it from here, and maybe together we can save a great old TV show?
Use the comments link below.
And since we’re talking about classic television today, check this out. It’s the cast of the Gunsmoke radio show, which preceded the long-running TV program.
It starred Floyd the Barber as Doc, Cannon as Marshall Dillon, Mayberry’s Mayor Stoner as Chester, and a hooker with a heart of gold.
When the TV show was proposed, William Conrad reportedly auditioned for the part of Matt Dillon. And can you imagine Frank Cannon on horseback? Heh. They probably would’ve had to use Clydesdales, or concrete “horses” on rollers.
I read somewhere that Conrad never really got over the fact another actor became associated with the part of Marshall Dillon. He felt that he’d created the character, and the whole thing supposedly bothered him for the rest of his life.
And speaking of great TV, I’m in the process of watching the John Adams mini-series. Good stuff. I had a little trouble buying Paul Giamatti as a founding father, but he somehow pulls it off. I recommend it.
One scene I could’ve done without, however: Adams having awkward and grunting sex with his wife, while looking like Uncle Fester, full-on. I don’t think my face fully de-grimaced until morning.
Other than that… excellent, so far.
Now let’s hear your L&O ideas! It’s up to us to save the program, and the clock is ticking.
See ya tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
Whee!
2 !!!!
Turd?
treeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
hey jeff……..why dont you get a tattoo of the smoking fish before it is gone forever ?
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……………
It’s end of the month madness once again, but I have to take a five minute Surf Report update break.
Law and Order: General Motors
An executive is found dead in his office with his quarterly bonus stuck up his ass.
Subsequent investigations reveal several factory employees in various states of dismemberment and evisceration stuffed into trucks of the leading 2009 models.
6
oops I mean they could be stuffed into trucks, I meant to say “trunks”.
Law and Order: Bristol TJ and Junior match wits with a major race team owner who kills his own driver for the insurance money, and to cover up his affair with the pit boss’s wife. Special guest star, Max “Jethro” Baer.
I was dubious about Paul Giamatti as well, but I think he hit it out of the park.
How about Law and Order – Iraq – Ahmed is sent out on a case to find out who has been setting the latest rash of IED’s and car bombs but they can’t find any witnesses or enough remains to identify a suspect. The body bags are piling up and even Ahmed is at risk of being the killers latest victim until he stubbles on a bomb part with a partial name on it. “To G Bush wtih….”
Wish I had some ideas. I don’t wish to be the “with one exception” post for two days running, so I’ll just vote “present”.
Jeff,
As a major ‘Green Acres’ fanatic… I would substitute County Agent Hank Kimball for Alf Monroe. HE would be a lot less cooperative than Alf because he’s always less cooperative. And it would be funnier, you sexy beast.
Lawn and Order Bumfuck: Detective Dick Scrotum scours the seedy Castro district of San Francisco in search of criminals after California passes a contentious law banning sodomy.
Law and Order Mayberry.
Opey grows up and dresses like aunt Bee and goes on a shooting spree at the barber shop. Goober knows it’s not aunt Bee because he keeps her in the freezer. Andy doesn’t remember aunt Bee. This leaves Barney to solve the crime. Barney thinks it’s the town drunk Otis responsible for the crime. Otis can’t remember is alibi.
Law and Order Brokeback Hill: He gulps down the last of the vomit and wipes his beard clean. Then he slams it into the camp fire. “Goddammit!” scream the other three queers, “What are you doing?”
“I just wanted to be romantic. You know, like the movies.”
“Fuck me with a chainsaw. First of all, it’s supposed to be a wine glass, not a coffee mug. Second of all, it’s supposed to be a fireplace, not a camp fire. Third of all, we’ve been over this three times. That was our last puke mug, asshole!”
And they shun him forever. The end.
L&O – WV:
Jesco White, Hamburger Man and Aqualung use shopping carts and guns to rob several Charleston area businesses. The episode begins on a dirt road covered with shoping cart tracks. The camera pans to a sign on a gate that reads: “There aint nuthin up this holer werth dyin for”.
L&O – The Hereafter.
Bring back the original cast. The dead ones, anyhow. What elese have they got to do now?
Tiff- that’s absurd. If the zombies were gay, then maybe. But you’re way off. I don’t like to flaunt it, but I’m an artist for fucksake. Good Lord. You’re better than that. Try harder, hippie. HAW HAW HAW! Whatever.
Law & Order — The OC. When a soccer mom finds the body of a local cosmetic surgeon in the back of her Lincoln Navigator, her mind races as she contemplates how she’s going to find another doctor to give her the botox injection she had scheduled for Tuesday morning with the dead man. It’s the first time her mind has raced since early Spring, when she first laid eyes on her son’s T-Ball coach…
Her attention quickly returns to the task at hand–getting to South Coast Plaza for some much-needed shopping before she has to pick up the kids from school, lest they have to walk the 1/2 block home in the glaring 78 degree afternoon sun. The police zero in on their main suspect–the South Coast Plaza valet parking attendant whose claims that the body was already in the car are dismissed by a boob-obsessed investigator whose appreciation for the dead doctor’s work leads him to immediately dismiss the soccer mom as a suspect.
Alas, the kids do have to walk home from school, and are in therapy for several years. The psychiatrist buys a new Mercedes for his mistress.
I’m thinking Heather Locklear as the soccer mom, and Kato Kaelin as the valet (he’s convicted when the police find a bloody glove behind his house). OJ Simpson guest stars as himself in the role of the soccer mom’s husband.
Such is life in The OC…
Law and Order – For Real
The detectives wade through piles of meaningless paperwork. For hours.
Jason, sometimes you scare me.
Jason… I searched for a puke mug on the internet… WTF? The only thing I could find was this: http://mugs.cafepress.com/item/valentines-day-puke-mug/207882182
Law & Order: Dunbar, WV -
A lovable retarded citizen is found murdered inside the Price Theater, grasping an entire loaf of bread made into individual bologna sandwiches. A puzzled detective Randy Edgell, in full support hosiery, discovers a stack of week old Charleston Daily Mail newspapers, wondering if Danny had pulled that “same old trick” one too many times. A dazed and confused Mayor Thumm, REEKING of methane gas from one-too-many bean dinners from the Catholic Church demands answers.
Law and Order – Dawson’s Creek. Dawson finds his best friend, Joey, grossly jealous of his attraction to a neighbor’s ten year old daughter. Meanwhile, pal Pacey falls in love with a mystery gay man, who is really a teacher at Capeside. Joey, tired of being beat up by Dawson plots a Colembine style massacre at Capeside but the mystreious teacher finds his plans and plots to take Joey out before he can go forward with his plan. Meanwhile, Gail and Mitch have a threesome with Bessie while Dawson was on a roadtrip with Gretchen to get his mind off the ten year old.
Sorry folks, only native Dunbar-ites from the 70′s will understand this one.
Shiny Rod and Adam -
Listen boys, I’m only here to impress Gretchen. Okay? But I’m on paid leave for now because she hates my guts.
Adam, are you selling those puke mugs? Because I’m buying, baby. Come to think of it, I’d like to have a puke mug across the front of a nice male sized t-shirt.
Law and Order – Deal or No Deal. Howie takes wall street investment bankers through a maze of briefcases to find the hidden 700 Billion dollars in tax payers money while bankers Obama and McCain try to buy them off with deals of amnesty and golden parachutes. But they must elude the dreaded “Life” sentence briefcase for corporate embezzlement.
Adam – You inspired me. I found a better one. Much sexier.
http://www.annoy.com/postcards/doc.html?DocumentID=100312
Law & Order, GA (government affairs).
Million dollar projects get the axe, and then get disappear under the rug. People ask serious questions, but only get the run-around. Sit tight while our GA team burns the rug and exposes the truth. Only widespread dyslexia can save their asses now.
Thanks, Jason… but I’m still not sure I know what to DO with a puke mug or why a gaggle of gays would need one (and evidently carry several) on their “camping trips.” I’m intrigued.
Sadly, the only cop/law show that holds my interest in The Shield. So I can’t add much to this discussion.
Darn, I forgot. Joey on Dawson’s Creek is a girl. Eeeww.
So Misselle, take what you know about the shield and apply it to a Law and Order episode.
Adam-
“gaggle of gays”
you made me snort, like a pig, congrats, brother.
Oh God – “puke mug” is crazy, but it makes me laugh. I have no idea why. I’m a grown man, or so they claim.
Speaking of William Conrad on a horse, reminds me of the diabetes commercial featuring Wilford Brimley. When he mounts that horse, I always groan. He must weigh 400+.
Law and Order: San Francisco
After a thirteen year old Somalian male prostitute is found murdered, the detectives discover a detached nose and a set of upper dentures in his ass.
Follow the detectives as they search zoos, amusement parks, and grade school playgrounds trying to locate Micheal Jackson or Barney Frank for questioning.
Jason – thanks for pissing me off.
1) Negging on one chick ain’t a good way to impress another. Nor is using poor language when trying tobe funny, you shitferbrains asshat. Even this dirty old hippie knows that. Peave, love, and nookie, man; that’s the ticket.
2) What does being an artist have anything to do with anything at all? What KIND of artist? Textile? Metal? Rap? Charcoal? Human blood? Verbal? Calling yourself an artist (for fucksake), and not laying out your skillz is like nominating the governor of Alaska to be Vice President – it’s just silly hazy tangent-making self-stimulating feelgood.
3) whatever.
Law and Order Lancaster – Det. Smuckers is on the case of the missing butter churner. Upon returning from church Eli and his wife Sarah find their beloved butter churn missing. The suspects include ……………oh shit. My mind just went blank. I have the flu and my brain shuts off.
can someone finish this. I am thinking high speed chases involving horse and buggy, bible verses shouted at eachother; literally throwing the “book” at them.
TIFF: You go girl!!!
WTF just happened?
Tiff – Sorry.
Man, I totally needed that rant.
Apology accepted, and thanks for the prompt.
You bet. Any time. Hippie.
Luv you Tiff, way to go. Jason, I’m a hippie too, wanna make somethnig of it.
Yes, Shiny Rod, I’d love to make something of it – are you that shallow, I mean, really?
Let’s not go there, this ain’t the forum for that kind of nonsense. We can have fun, but lets be mature about it. Beside, the reason I use the handle shiny rod is because of the highly polished black night stick I carry in my squad car. Get my drift.
Shiny Rod – sure. So sorry. I was kidding with Tiff and apologized to her, she accepted. I was under the impression that you were trying to fly in as some kind of “hero” and save her. She didn’t need saving. I took her rant like a gentelman. Really, I did. All I said was “sorry” and she accepted. My refrence to “hippy” had to do with a post weeks ago. I thought she’d get it. But if it pissed her off, “sorry” just like I said. I like her. She’s witty.
Jeff, when you finish the mini-series, take in the book, now that you’re reading again. I just finished reading it; I’m glad I bought the hardcover because I’ll probably read it again. It is riveting, moving, altogether excellent. And no sex scenes.
Fuck everyone!
Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.
Piss off too!
Whoops, my sincerest apologies.
Now where did I put my bipolar medication…
Doug – Bwuahahahaa!!
Don’t much need saving, but if a nice popo wants to jump in and lend a hand, then who am I to say no?
Now, let’s all have some graham crackers and bourbon and go play in the sandbox.
Thank you Jason, your cool with me and yes Tiff can handle herself with finess. She needs not any help from me. Carolinas finest at your service. Damn, now I got to crack open a bottle of Evan.
Sorry all. I can’t flirt with Gretchen without raising some feathers? Guess not. So I’ll stop.
Where in the hell are you, Lark Fool? Christ, I’m dying here!
seriously…when did this become the “Shiny Rod and Jason show”?
Shiny Rod, quit cock blocking Jason
I am just thankful that through this mess I learned the real meaning of Shiny Rod because my mind offered other explanations. Ahem.
@OnaWho KUDOS
.. for the cock block mention.
Been years since I heard it and it got an audible guffaw.
oh-no-he-didn’t!
@Buck
Your diaphragm press-in hiccup trick
… is 2/0 for me. Nice.
It does not require additional products or tools.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thoracic_diaphragm
(trying not to be in poetry mode anymore)
Good Evening Surf Reporters……
I must restart my computer(right NOW, dammit) for updates……
OnaWho
It’s my fault. But come on. “Gretchen”? That’s a sexy name. And she has yellow hair. And she’s 30 something. Good Lord. Plus, she’s witty. I mean, really, what else is there? I’m shocked that I’m the first guy on her case, frankly.
“Cock blocking” HAHAHAHA.
Thanks buddy. But I think he’s more of a Tiff lover than a cock blocker.
L&O – WVSR comments page – The invasion of the Cock-Blockers episode #1….
We find a drunken Tiff outside a small house screaming Hippie profanities while swinging an empty bourbon bottle over her head…
OK someone add the next scene
Jason,
first of all….I’m a she. and after I read my post the tone was lost, but you got to admit ………it’s funny.
dear god,
if all I needed was yellow hair and a fun name, I could have men cyber flirting with me too? damn my mom for giving me this horrible orginal name.
And I too am witty, ……….oh wait. I am confusing that with sarcasim.
have a great day surf reporters.
I hate mayor Stoner. Give me mayor Pike anyday.
Law and Order-Farmington, West Virginia
Merton awakes to find the his wife’s head in a jar of pickled ramps. Or did he and Mays Ricky just dream it? Later he finds that the “pump don’t work cause a vandal took the handle.”
Law & Order: Bailiff Edition
Who ate the last cruller in the staff break room? The crusty lifer with a tendency to biting sarcasm? The stunning, unqualified beauty who got the job because her mom had an affair with the governor? Or the hard-nosed, well-endowed union shop steward Adalia Rodrigues? Find out tonight, after forty minutes of tense whispering while escorting colorful characters from the holding cells to the courtroom. All rise!
Skully…that’s going to be a hard ep to write. Most hippie profanities start with ‘doooood, I’m so wasted’ and devolve from there. However….
But hey, if we can get ‘cock-blocking’ written in, then feel free to take poetic license!
“Law and Order: Canada” A woman (Nancy) mysteriously goes missing after making a trip across the U.S. border, supposedly to attend a women’s rights march, but actually to smuggle over massive amounts of Tofu Pups. The prime suspect in her not-really-disappearance is her husband (Nostrils) who is also missing, but later found hiding in the bushes outside of Johnny Depp’s mansion, adapted screenplay for his own pirate novel clutched in his hands.
OnaWho,
Very funny! I dated a girl in high school that later developed full blown atrichia. Not a hair on her body anywhere. No eyebrows, nothing. I stuck with it for a while but I eventually had to let her go because she refused to go by “Helga” or “Inga” or “Sugartits”. Plus she started wearing a toupee that used to belong to her grandfather and it gave me the creeps.
@ OnaWho – No, I was not blocking…just nudging him in a different direction.
@ CitizenX – I don’t even want to think of what you tought it meant.
@SkullyWV – If thats the Tiff I know, it’s because I forgot to swing by with my stash of Evan.
got to love being called sugartits. gets me gigglin’ everytime. lol
Yvonne,
I believe you are what is called in the business the WINNAR!
(prize not valid outside this text box)
[...] Another blogger was trying to come up with inspirations for spin-off to keep the “Law and Order” franchise alive. Now, whether or not you consider that a worthy endeavor, he was doing it wrong, going mostly with geographic-location-based concepts (Scranton, Hooterville, Battle Creek, Pleasantville), and while the next L&O will be set in London and titled “Law and Order: UK”, it’s really “CSI” that has the market on locales. [...]