Heed the Warning of the Bean
Yesterday, before I left for work, I sat down to enjoy a piping-hot Maxine Catheter (or is it Marie Callender?) frozen meal. I went with the meat loaf and mashed potatoes, because it doesn’t require any of that pesky stirring in the middle of the nuking process.
So, I let it run through its entire seven minutes, and two additional minutes for coolin’ ‘n’ congealin’, and carried it to the dining room table.
And when I flopped down I miscalculated and went a tad deep, if you know what I mean. The bulk of my ass-meat landed on the chair-back, instead of the seat. And would you care to guess what happened?
That’s correct, there was a loud sound of splintering wood, like a tree coming down in a storm, and the entire back completely seperated from the chair itself.
It fell to the floor, making a terrific racket, and Andy’s butt-beacon quickly fled the scene. The chair is now in two pieces, and apparently my ass is no longer merely a pants-destroyer, it looks like I’ve graduated to furniture, as well.
What’s next? Masonry? Steel? Something needs to be done…
And speaking of Marlene Cowcatcher frozen meals, I noticed something yesterday that concerned me, for undefinable reasons. With the meat loaf and taters was a mixture of corn and carrots. And insinuated, right in the middle of the vegetables, was a single rogue green bean.
I don’t really understand why, but it made me feel uneasy. And my instincts rarely fail me… What do you think it means, a single green bean, so far away from home? Could it have been planted there, by a spy, or possibly an assassin? Or maybe it’s a sign of some sort, an omen of a coming calamity?
What do you think? I need closure on the single green bean that so brazenly entered my life yesterday afternoon. Won’t you help me?
Toney brought back, from Canada, six bottles of something called True North IPA. Not bad, not bad at all… We polished them off on Friday and Saturday nights. Nice and hoppy, but not completely over-the-top, like some of the novelty-name microbrews.
We’re also doing a decent job of prolonging the Fuller’s. We limit ourselves to two bottles per day, so we’ve only had eight to this point. After the limit has been reached, we (I) switch over to the tried-and-true Pottsville golden elixir. It’s a formula that seems to work for us.
Toney also bought me a small poster in Canada, that features a retro advertising image of a man holding a glass of beer. It looks like something from the 1940s, or so, and above the man, it reads, “Beer will change the world. I don’t know how, but it will.”
Heh. It’s now hanging in the bunker… I had to relocate the Brooklyn Dodgers 1955 World Champs pennant, but it was worth the effort. A fine addition to the Surf Report Collection.
Also, the Secrets tell me they mixed-up the Translucents’ action figures before leaving the country. This, of course, is like activitating a time-bomb – because the see-thrus are extreme examples of don’t color outside the lines types.
They completely lose their shit if someone jokes around and makes one of their “dolls” say something out of character, or do something illogical. So, when they find Harry Potter’s head stuck on Darth Vader’s body, and Spongebob’s arms attached to a Bionicle, or whatever, comedy should ensue.
And I couldn’t be prouder. …I’m sorry, I’m getting a little emotional.
I can’t be late for work tonight, so I’d better stop right here. I’ll leave you now with a Question that occurred to me yesterday, while driving.
I used to go to school with a girl who had some sort of strange compulsion, which caused her to constantly (and absentmindedly) pluck her eyebrows by hand, and eat them. Depending, I guess, on the stress level in her life, she looked more or less like Gary Numan, with long blonde hair.
I imagine her intestines were packed with a giant wad of rock-hard eyebrows, and how weird is that? Hmm?
So, there you go. Have you ever known someone who had an odd little quirk like that, which would kick-in whenever they were upset or agitated, or whatever? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
One?
2!!! Highest ever.
Sturdy and trendy. http://www.aluminumchairs.com
I knew (know) someone with maybe a touch of the Tourettes who when upset or not, seems random, snaps up his right arm and peers down his elbow like there’s transit mounted on it. What th?
Eyebrow eatin’?
TF?
I rub my nipples when I’m nervous.
I’m kidding, I rub other people’s nipples.
My former boos used to pick her nose. When you were having am eeting with her.
In PERSON.
She’s root around up one or both of her sizeable nostrils, hook one out by stretching the nose-hole WIIIDE, and once the prey was snared she’d look it it, roll it around on her fingertips, and then…I don’t know what happened. Normally that was enough to make me look away and wish I’d never taken that damned job.
I don’t think she knew she was doing it, either.
Oooh! There was this kid in elementary school who was totally bald, which of course singled him out ofr taunting, but who added ot the weird by blinking really wicked fast, in bursts, about 10 seconds apart, all day long.
Looked like he was about to short out.
Thinking back on it, I’m sure there was something seriously wrong with him, but we all just thought he was strange.
Wheee-hooo!
My kid pops his jaw. Out of boredom. I’d like to rock’em sock’em robot on him. But, he’s my kid, what can you do?
See: trichotillomania and trichobezoar
A childhood friend of mine used to chew holes in his t-shirts. My mom would alway tell me not to smoke any pot with that kid. We were like 10 at the time. When I got into high school I realized why she thought that was going on. I got a great laugh out of it then. My friend who still chews the holes to this day (35 years old) is still suspected by my mother of being a huge weed smoker.
Re: The lone bean.
If I worked where they made TV dinners I’d constantly be adding random stuff: A single cherry tomato buried in the mashed potatoes, or lyche fruit smack dab in the middle of the peach cobbler, or durian….well anywhere is bad. Nothing that would raise the hackles of the Health Department, but enough to freak out the poor saps who ate the stuff…Like Jeff.
Re:Quirks.
My brother in law Scott has Tourett’s Syndrome (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourette_syndrome) so he’s great fun when nervous or excited. Years ago I was assigned the task of teaching him to drive (a daunting task). One day we were out “practicing” and we had to stop and pick up a friend of his sister’s, named Joanna. On the way over he was actually doing pretty good: no near misses, stayed in his lane, did the hand-over-hand thing when turning. As soon as Joanna got in the car Scott was gone, replaced by Hormone Man who drove up on lawns, chose the wrong gear (in an automatic), and went the wrong way down a one way street.
My husband twirls the hairs on the side of his beard until they are all knotted up. Freak!
My older brother, mostly normal, sucks hickies on his arm. He’s frickin 35. Most people assume it’s a birthmark cause it’s always there, he is also in a perpetual state of head scratching, he only stops long enough to suck on his arm?? I think my ma dropped him once or twice, she was a hippie afterall.
Could the green bean have been some sort of warning about the defective chair?
The bunker cam is one confusing photo at first glance.
Well, I eat my boogers. Does that count?
Rusty, Rusty, Rusty, what are we going to do with you. You are the reason we have Catholic Nuns teaching. I have a friend who bites and clips his nails down till they bleed. My lawyer has touretts too! Try explaining that to a Judge, but it gets my cases dropped or dismissed immediately. Chris, you scare me!!!
EWW, Rusty. I didn’t need to know that. It was bad enough when my grandchildren did it.
Someone in my family used to pull out her eyelashes, but she didn’t eat them, thank God.
I knew a girl who ate her eyebrows and also snapped off bits of hair from her head and ate it. Her hair was so frizzy and all split ends and junk. It’s actually a psychological disorder called Pica (the urge to eat something non edible, like dirt or hairs or chalk). The girl I knew was in one of my classes in college. I could always see her out of the corner of my eye just eating away on the hairs and all semester long, I just wanted to bring in some peanuts or other snacks for her. Ick!
As for the Bunker Cam, damn has Tim Curry gotten fat!
i’m still not sure what’s going on in the bunker cam.
i saw a show once (probably 60 minutes or something) about a girl with a neuropsychological condition where she felt compelled to pull out her hair. it was pretty sad, because she was so upset. she knew it was weird, and that the other kids knew she was weird, but she couldn’t stop herself. she didn’t eat the hair though.
Jeff, olny get concerned if that lone green been has an almond friend with legs.
I knew this guy named John that drove a concrete truck and when he’d get pissed off he’d puke. Everyone kept telling me about it, but I didn’t believe them. So one day I was on a jobsite and he pulled up and ran over a shovel and it caused two of his tires to go flat. One guy was talking shit, said he should have been looking where he was going, etc. Then he (John) just lost it. He started yelling and cussin. And I swear, right in the middle of “mutafucka” he spewed all over the place. And he didn’t stop. He’d puke and cuss and puke again. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
kenju, for kids, it’s God’s antibiotics, for grown-ups, it’s time to call the pyschiatrist.
Jason, I usually cuss and puke too, but that after about a half a bottle scotch wiskey.
Same here Kristin…this chick was 1 year behind me in school but everyone knew who she was. At the beggining of the year it started as a small bald spot that just kept growing throughout the year until there was just a small round clump left and wore a hat after that. She would pull about 3 strands at a time and lay them on her desk every day. WTF???
Sounds like she had Trichotillomania.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichotillomania
It’s a weird disorder, but then again aren’t they all?
There was a patient at the hospital I worked at who had this. She was a nice kid otherwise, but couldn’t stop doing this. She wanted to be a beautician when she grew up.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
my weird compulsive story goes like this………..
In college, a kid named Kevin W. would stop by and hang out with us in our apartment. If it was warm , shorts wearing weather, he would constently pick at zits and blackheads on his legs until he fuckin’ bled. Unbelievably gross.
Plus , once he achieved a successful extraction of zit core, he’d flick it on the carpet!!
We eventually told him not to come around anymore unless he had weed.
Hmm where’d my post go?
*constantly…. I knew that didn’t look spelled right
Strange I wrote something and it didn’t post. Anyway…
Sounds like she had what’s called Trichotillomania.
from wiki: Trichotillomania (TTM), or “trich” as it is commonly known, is an impulse control disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pull out scalp hair, eyelashes, facial hair, nose hair, pubic hair, eyebrows or other body hair, sometimes resulting in noticeable bald patches.
There was this girl at the psych hospital where I worked years ago who had this. She was a nice little kid otherwise, but this disorder is kind of hard to ignore. They had to perform surgery to remove the hairballs in her stomach. Nothing that prozac couldn’t help (mostly).
And what did she want to be when she grew up?
A beauitician, of course..
I’m with Tyrosine on the whole single bean thing. On a somewhat related note, my friends and i are quite fond of throwing parties with what we call a “Spodie” Basically, a bunch of booze with fruit soaked in it. I know, theres all kind of different names for them. One of my favorite things to do is to throw in a small chunk of potato. It gets confused for an apple everytime. Then theres that one poor bastard expecting to bite into a nice vodka soaked apple, and instead gets that nasty raw, vodka soaked potato taste. My brother in-law put a small french fry in one too, that was pretty good.
Also, where in the hell is Charlie West?
I went to school with this kid that had some weird fascination with shaving his dog’s ass. …last I heard he moved to Pennsylvania and became a veterinarian.
I have known several people that plucked their eyelashes, including my 6th grade teacher. No idea what they did with them. I had a girl working for me that had to wear wigs because she pulled her hair out. Sad really.
A girlfriend of mine constantly chews her cuticles and nails. I hate it and tell her she looks like she is trying to eat herself.
We had a kid named Bill who was probably autistic. This is in the days, of course, before autism as a disease was ever in the public consciousness. Anyway, he would often dive under his school desk whenever the going got rough. He also had a compulsion to pick up coins off the ground, so much so that other kids would throw change on the floor just to watch him stop dead and methodically pick each coin up. Poor kid, God only knows what happened to him.
As for the other nutjob who would compulsively twirl one part of her bangs so hard it would twock out like a horn AND who constantly chewed on one thumbnail in a scientific attempt to get it to curve up and back as it grew, well she stopped doing that after 8th grade, thank you very much. Ahem. And for the record, you apparently have to be some crazy Indian dude with 6 foot long fingernails to experience any nail curl back. Dang it! ;o)
Tyrosine:
Durian? as a military brat I sadly know what that 7th level from Hell fruit actually is! I am sure most readers have never heard of it! We need Jeff to do a smell and Taste test! I am sure (if he survives) it would make a Great story!!
I once dated a girl who had an infatuation with putting my body parts in her mouth. I should have married her.
Hey Brooke, your comment cracked me up.
and what’s with the bunnies and oompa loompa’s?
late, y’all
I wanna’ open up my own pizza place and call it ‘Tourettes Pizza’. That way I can answer the phone ‘Tourettes Pizza, WTF do you want’ and no one can bitch.
out!
I would have thought Eninen would be all about “colouring outside the lines.” Honest to God, they have seriously messed up those poor kids. I think it’s probably good for them in the long run that the Secrets messed up their dolls.
I can’t even imagine how she managed to pluck her own eyebrows! I have trouble plucking them with tweezers.
Tourettes Pizza Mmmmmmmmmmm!
Can you even get durian in the US? The last time I knew anything about that fruit and I say that with the deepest regret. If anything brings a gag reflex, it would be durian. I just don’t understand why anyone would want to eat anything that smells like the worst shit you would ever dream of taking in an already backed up toilet. Most areas in Thailand have banned it from being opened in public places. They unfortunately can’t stop them from selling it to you though.
Some more about durian:
The unusual flavour and odour of the fruit have prompted many people to express diverse and passionate views ranging from deep appreciation to intense disgust. Writing in 1856, the British naturalist Alfred Russel Wallace provides a much-quoted description of the flavour of the durian:
“ The five cells are silky-white within, and are filled with a mass of firm, cream-coloured pulp, containing about three seeds each. This pulp is the edible part, and its consistence and flavour are indescribable. A rich custard highly flavoured with almonds gives the best general idea of it, but there are occasional wafts of flavour that call to mind cream-cheese, onion-sauce, sherry-wine, and other incongruous dishes. Then there is a rich glutinous smoothness in the pulp which nothing else possesses, but which adds to its delicacy. It is neither acid nor sweet nor juicy; yet it wants neither of these qualities, for it is in itself perfect. It produces no nausea or other bad effect, and the more you eat of it the less you feel inclined to stop. In fact, to eat Durians is a new sensation worth a voyage to the East to experience. … as producing a food of the most exquisite flavour it is unsurpassed.[”
While Wallace cautions that “the smell of the ripe fruit is certainly at first disagreeable”, later descriptions by westerners are more graphic. British novelist Anthony Burgess writes that eating durian is “like eating sweet raspberry blancmange in the lavatory.” Chef Andrew Zimmern compares the taste to “completely rotten, mushy onions.” Anthony Bourdain, while a lover of durian, relates his encounter with the fruit as thus: “Its taste can only be described as…indescribable, something you will either love or despise. …Your breath will smell as if you’d been French-kissing your dead grandmother.” Travel and food writer Richard Sterling says:
“ … its odor is best described as pig-shit, turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock. It can be smelled from yards away. Despite its great local popularity, the raw fruit is forbidden from some establishments such as hotels, subways and airports, including public transportation in Southeast Asia.
Shiny Rod: I’m pretty sure Jungle Jim’s in Farifield, Ohio (northern suburb of Cincy) has Durian. They’ve got everything under the sun there, from every country imaginable.
Whoops, that’s “Fairfield”. I need to go to bed.
Hell Yeah!
“Also, the Secrets tell me they mixed-up the Translucents’ action figures before leaving the country. This, of course, is like activitating a time-bomb – because the see-thrus are extreme examples of don’t color outside the lines types. ”
They are official.
kenju, you say that like eating my boogers is a bad thing.
I used to bite my toe nails but as I get older that gets harder and harder.
Gretchen, you are a saint. I just checked Jungle Jim’s website and he does sale durian. They must have it wrapped in enough plastic to keep the smell down.
http://www.junglejims.com/departments/jungle_jims_international_produce.asp
Rusty, you should eat durian. It will definitely remind you of your toe nails and it’s creamy snot like texture will remind you of a wet snotty booger.
Brooke good one made even me laugh.
The replies have about thrown my ass out of my p c chair way too funny anyways there was this kid named Mark we use to call him ‘picky’ he literally would dive down the back of his jeans and scratch the ole ‘crack’ swing his left up for a long sniff ….how fkn…” sick ” it’s like dude your not invisable …eew
And that stray ‘greeny’ it was off the floor, when the guy tied his shoe he grabed it and he threw it in ,I seen him it was ‘picky’ : o ~
Hmmm, never tried that.
HEY! Not too bad!
Tourettes Pizza. Great idea.
Why do people with Tourettes always have to scream out rude or shocking things? Why can’t it be something nice like, “I love your purse lady!” or “Nice coat, Sir!!!!!!!” ?
Your welcome, Shiny Rod. Jungle Jim’s is just about the only thing I miss from living in Ohio. The dude who runs the place is totally certifiable (note all the animatronic weirdness), but man, does he ever get his hands on the weirdest food out there from the farthest reaches of the world. Smithsonian Magazine even profiled his establishment and they mentioned the durian (its reputation proceeds it). Of course, I never went near the things after having been duly warned in the article. I’ll just have me some Gaza oranges, thank you very much. ;o)
You know what kids call boogers nowadays? Nose candy.