Exhausting weekend home repair, etc.
A couple of weeks ago something happened to a length of guttering on the front of our house. A nail, or somesuch, said fukkit and the thing started drooping in the middle. It looked like Buddy Hackett’s bottom lip.
“We need to get that fixed,” I told Toney. Which meant: we need to open the Yellow Pages and hire someone to take care of it, ’cause I’m not climbing up on that roof. What am I, Sol Spiderman?”
It looked kinda shabby, but probably wasn’t as noticeable to passersby, as it was to us. And since there wasn’t a powerful urgency, we did nothing.
And on Friday it fell off. Well, it didn’t come completely loose, just one end of it detached from the house. And it instantly turned our respectable home into a white trash shack. And I can’t have that.
On Saturday morning a man arrived with all manner of equipment, and brought our shit correct. He had a prissy little mop-dog with him, was walking all around our house, and across the roof.
Our dog Andy (Mr. Dingles) was about to have a full-on stroke, and when the mailman arrived right in the middle of it all… Well, I’m just glad our family pet didn’t explode in the living room, as a result of “too much.”
But the guy cleaned our gutters thoroughly, lectured us about getting it done in November instead of spring, repaired the Hackett lip, and went on his way with one of our checks in his pocket.
And that’s the Jeff Kay style of home repairs.
We took Andy for a walk on Saturday afternoon, and discovered a whole new neighborhood just a short distance from our house.
It was incredible, I could barely believe it. The homes were huge and new — some are still being built — and it’s probably less than a mile from us. How could such a thing happen, without us knowing?
We walked up and down the new streets, and people were out in their yards and washing their cars. It felt like we’d slipped into some kind of parallel world. Our house was (presumably) right over there, but here was a freaky, pristine community where none had been before.
All four of us were blown away (Andy didn’t seem to give a crap), and we oohed and aahed our way through the whole development. It was eerie, yet really cool.
They can insert full-blown subdivisions into seemingly impossible places, with the precision of a spine surgeon, can’t they? But how did they get all that construction equipment in there, without any of us noticing?
It’s freaking me out, man.
On Friday I sent a message to the mailing list, announcing the launch of a new website being maintained by Metten and myself. It’s called Mockable, and you can see it here.
Right now the two of us are handling the updates, but we might solicit contributions in the future. The concept is fairly simple, and is summed up in the tagline: Your online clearinghouse for all things mockable.
We’re both really excited about this new project, and hope you guys will enjoy it as well. Please feel free to comment and participate as you see fit. And if you want to promote it in some way, we won’t object to that either. We’re going to try to post something new every weekday, so there will be plenty of mockables to go around.
We’re not going to tell you which one of us wrote each article, it’s going to be a Lennon/McCartney kind of a deal, so you can try to guess, if you’d like. Are our writing styles distinctive enough for you to differentiate? I’d be interested in knowing.
And this is a quickie, but I’ll leave you now with the Question of the Day. When you were a kid, middle school-age or younger, what did you want to do when you grew up? And did you do it?
When I was really young, I wanted to be an astronaut. This was around the time of the Apollo missions, and I think every kid in America had the same thoughts. But, of course, at this point I could wear a lunar module like a pair of pants. I don’t think I was put on this Earth for space exploration, I really don’t.
And I wanted to be a baseball player, but was never foolish enough to believe it would ever happen. You know, since I wasn’t very good. Then I adjusted my plans to working in the Cincinnati Reds front office — like Castanza with the Yankees. And how sad is that? Dreaming of paper-pushing at a young age?
By the time I reached high school I wanted to be a writer, and what do I actually do? That’s correct, inventory management.
What about you? How close did you get to your childhood dreams? Did any of you actually make it? If so, I’d like to shake your hand. Sincerely.
And that’s going to do it for today, boys and girls.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
Ouch!!
Whoa!
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!
Tada!
I plead the FIFTH!!
I wanted to be a drunken ski bum. I made that and then some. I am a reformed drunken ski bum now…
Howdy!
I wanted to be a writer!
HAHAHAHAHA! Well that ain’t gonna happen…
I wanted to be a lion tamer, but ended up in public accountancy. Well, the latter of the two is true. Sorry, I had a Monty Python flashback there for a sec.
I wanted to be an archeologist. Nope, didn’t make it. Not too many ancient ruins in West Virginia.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a stand up comedian…. I flunked out of college before age 20, so I was on my way to a good start. Then I got a job at Bennigan’s and the rest is history. Now I make my money off of Bennigan’s tips and selling AR-15s out of the trunk of my car on the west side of Charleston. Ain’t America great?
If you can’t do what you love full time, doing it as a part time hobby is the next best thing. From what I can see, this is what you are doing now, so grats on that. You never know what can happen after.
When I was young, I wanted to be a doctor, because my parents told me so. So I got a degree in education, a masters in counseling, and did that for a few years. Bored, I became a case manager for a group of people who were being “de-institutionalized” by the state. This, of course, lead to my current job of photographer. I work with the legal community, and most of my stuff ends up in court as evidence.
I wanted to be a lottery winner. I’m still working on fulfilling that dream.
As a kid, I wanted to be a performer on snl. I didn’t make it.
On mockable.org, I think that I can tell who wrote what. Metten wrote the first 4 (Pizza Street, Madonna, Seafood, Trains), Jeff the last 3 (Obama, Cats, Cologne.)
Dad was a Pilot Grandad was a Pilot growing up as an air force Brat the ONLY career any of us ever thought of was the Air Force! I washed out 6 Months into flight school! which in retrospect aint half bad as dad Grandad and stepdad were all killed flying!
Now I am following in Brandy’s footsteps!
I have always wanted to work with animals. I have a Zoology degree. I manage an apartment complex. Full of college students. Some days it is a zoo. Others it just sucks.
I wanted to be a race car driver. Now I manage a machine shop. Dreams do come true?
wanted to be a M.D. and ended up in Equine Dentistry…..horse of a different color i guess
None of you guys said “pornstar”? Buncha goddamn liars!
I wanted to be a stand up comedian. Never even tried it. There’s still time. But I guess you have to actually be funny to make it. So I guess I’ll pass.
I don’t even know who to call about being a pornstar. Hey, what about a pornstar that tells knock knock jokes the whole time? Let me know if you see something in the want ads.
I wanted to be a race car driver a la Speed Racer (yeah, I know I’m a girl – it was teh 60s and evidently I was a feminist at an early age) I think Cowgirl was in there briefly, as well. I did neither, although friends that ride in my car think I may have fulfilled the Race Car Driver in hobby, at least.
I wanted to be an archeologist when I was in my early teens. My father shot me down instantly when I mentioned this. “You have no patience”, he told me. “Have you seen those people with their tiny little brushes just brushing the dust off things that are half buried? You, my dear, would get a shovel”. Thus ended my dream of digging up antiquities.
When I was 15 I decided I was going to move to England. That never happened, but now, at 47, it looks like I will be moving to Italy. Maybe getting laid off wasn’t so bad after all?
Happy Monday, Surfers!
Jeff, it sounds as though you have the same home repair skills and patience as I do. I take a 30 minute task for any real man, and turn it into a 3 hour fiasco full of bitching, swearing, and high blood pressure.
I guess I’m lucky…I always wanted to be on the radio and that’s what I do, although I’m not sure I’d classify it a dream. We’ll save that for the ballplayers, rockstars, etc. My only consolation is I love going to work each day.
The one thing I remember wanting to be when I was a kid was a cartoonist. Then I figured out I couldn’t draw anything worth a shit.
Got to high school and decided I want to be an accountant. At the moment, I am an accountant, but I’ve bounced back and forth between accounting and supply chain management. And soon I will have a degree in both. I’m such a nerd.
Hey Farty – let’s make a porn movie together!
Oh, forgot. I sell real estate now. Foot Whore, you’re dead to me.
Oh Farty, don’t break my heart.
i wanted to be a dj. or a music director/program director for a radio station. i figured it’d just be sitting around listening to music all day and then also making out with chicks.
i worked at my colege’s radio station. even got to be the pd there. there weren’t any chicks to make out with. just… baffled looking hipsters and smelly goths.
I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
I wanted to grow up to be Jimmy Hendrix. Then I realized that being a dead black guy would not be that much fun.
I wanted to be a rich widow.
Geez Jeff – you sure Andy isn’t the canine version of Banana Nostrils????
Growing up I wanted to be a teacher. Went to college got my degree and my teaching certificate. Subbed for a few years while working in retail accounting to you know actually pay the bills. I found out real quick that getting a full time teaching job, at least back then, was a matter of politics and that I was just not connected enough. Now I work in the video game industry. I am part of the Community Team for an MMORPG. I love my job and never regret giving up teaching. I never thought of doing my job when I was young because the video game industry was in its infancy, there was no such as on-line. Every day is an adventure at work and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Baseball star – check
Astronaut – check
war hero – check
By ‘check’ I mean – yeah, wanted to be all those things.
I mostly pictured myself a scientist and I guess I have been in certain ways, just minus the white lab coat I also pictured.
I wanted to be a race car driver or a musician/rock star. Now I work in accounting for the gov’t but I am also a driver/owner of a race car and even doing it as a hobby is pretty fantastic!
I wanted to be a writer, and sometimes I get paid to be a techncial writer and it sucks and chews and drains the ever-lovin soul right outta me.
I wanted to be an artist, and sometimes I get paid to be a graphic artist and people buy the wallpaper and fabric I’ve designed and sell online. They actually like it enough to pay for it and decorate their homes with it and that makes me feel great. sustenance.
But my bills pile up and I have to seek out the steady paycheck and go back to tech editing or data entry again – which is where I am now. ya do what ya gotta do
We think Jeff Cats & Obama and Metten Trains & Tuna.
Ever since about 12 yrs old wanted to be an Aeospace Engineer. More or less that’s what I do.
I didn’t want to be a drunk, but sometimes things you are good at just fall in your lap.
I wanted to be an Architect. At one point in my career my title was Information Architect so I kinda got close…
I wanted to be a dancer.
A little girl says that now and it has a whole different meaning than it did in 1980. I was talking about tutus and ballet slippers, not pasties and a pole.
I always wanted to be a Confederate soldier. Somehow it never worked out.
For Jason
Your first knock knock joke while filming porn:
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Emerson
Emerson who?
Emerson real nice titties you got there.
I’ve always wanted to be retired and if my boss doesn’t start treating me a little better, I may just decide to fulfill my childhood dream at the age of 40.
Jeff wrote: Cologne, Cats & Obama
Metten wrote: Trains, Tuna, Madonna and Pizza
That was sooooo easy!
I think I should clarify my answer. I..me…myself…I wanted to be a writer when I was growing up. I just re-read my comment and almost dropped a load.
It sounded like I was mocking you.
And I was definitely NOT.
I was making fun of myself. (i’m medicated…have some pity)
Can I remove my foot from my mouth yet?
Speaking of mocking…love the new web site. It’s been added to my daily reads.
I played with computers from 8 or 9. I was writing code from age 10 (ZX80 then ZX81 for my fellow geeks), thought it would be good (and well paid) to work with computers. I worked in tech R&D. It sucked. Now I have very little interest in the things, don’t even know what processors are in my PCs at home, they are just appliances.
Wanted to be a rock and roll star or professional football player.
Now I just want make enough to retire by 60.
Wanted – comedy writer
Received – professional bureaucrat
Verdict – better than dying of dysentery at age six somewhere in rural Malaysia…
…and Tammie – I didn’t read it that way.
Hahahaha…
When I was little I wanted to be a bartender. I even presented on that in first grade. I thought drinks were pretty (well… that hasn’t changed at least) and that people were fun to talk to.
I got a PhD instead. Now I know that people aren’t always fun to talk to… but that drinks are pretty AND taste pretty damn good after a week of committee meetings and grading. lol.
When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer or a DJ or something in the journalism field. I graduated with a BA degree in Advertising Journalism, worked as a graphic designer for a few years, got burned out, became an executive secretary and now, I’m a stay at home mom (which I love!).
I wanted to be an Egyptologist/ Archeologist when I was younger. I then realized that there was no real money involved in it, and the idea of teaching College students, in between digs, wasn’t going to be fun either.
Now, I work in the Software industry.
In grade school, I wanted to be a baseball player or a football player.
During my teenage (riot) years, I wanted to be a drummer in a band.
As I got older (late teens, early to mid 20s), I wanted to be an misunderstood literary genius.
Failing that, I wanted to be a music journalist.
Now I’m an editor on a copy desk in an industry that is quickly dying.
Rosebud! No, wait–The Horror! The Horror!
I wanted to be an architect – and no – I didn’t do it.
I’d like to think I can tell the difference between Metten’s and Jeff’s writing styles – time will tell.
I wanted to be a truck driver, then a journalist.
After receiving a BA in Journalism, I decided that was the ONE thing that I *didn’t* want to do for the rest of my life.
I now work as a Manufacturing Claims/Misc. Manager in the construction industry.
When asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, I was told that I said, “I want to be stronger than a man” and I followed through with that.
Benched my body weight, squatted its double.
Then I met D. The 1st baby did not phase me. Plugged through. It was the 2nd that threw the towel.
Advice:
If you are a young fem and strong. Stop at ONE!
My goal today is to control the internet while sitting down
..and I have a posse.
When I was kid one of my big heroes was Jack Pierce, the Hollywood makeup genius who created the original maekups for all the early Universal horror classics like Frankenstein, The Mummy, The Wolfman, etc., so I wanted to be a Hollywood makeup artist for the longest time. Then I briefly flirted with the idea of being an Underground Comix artist (in middle school), but I eventually ended up as a Graphic Designer, which is not waaaay too far off the mark, I guess. Besides, nowadays I don’t think there’s too much demand for another Greg Irons or S. Clay Wilson…
When I was young I wanted to be an Oceanographer because of a book a saw in the 3rd grade. Not living anywhere remotely close to an Ocean that dream fell by time I got to middle school. Later I wanted to be a Park Ranger. That did not work out either. Now I fix gutters in Scranton PA.
Always wanted to fly fighter jets, ended up in the Navy instead… Don’t know if thats a good thing or a bad thing yet, need a few more years to tell.
When I was a kid, what did I want to be when I grew up? Older. Same as now.
Pre-K I wanted to be a doctor, a dentist and a car hop on the side. I never understood why the adults thought that was funny. I still don’t.
Subsequent to pre-K, I decided I wanted to be an actress. Instead I ended up working in radio for a good long while because I thought it would be like being an actress, but easier to break into. Eventually I realized that earning a living wage (thanks cheap channel) was more important than free beer (who knew?), so I went to law school. I went to law school because my mother insisted that it would be like being an actress. TH? So I thought I should either go to law school or med school, and since I am really squeamish with no aptitude for math or science, and even I couldn’t be tricked into thinking being a doctor would be anything like being an actress, I picked law school. But for my next career I am seriously going to be an actress.
Little late coming in this evening (anyone still reading this…?) So we’ll keep it short and sweet (like me)!
I always wanted to be a comic book artist…And that is what I am!
“By the time I reached high school I wanted to be a writer” JK
Earth to Jeff, you ARE a writer.
I just thought I should bring that to your attention.
When I was a kid I wanted to be James Bond.
Cool cars, guns and gadgets.
License to kill. Pussy Galore.
And I DO mean pussy galore.
Goldfinger is still one of my favorite movies.
As a youngster, I wanted be a sheep farmer in Scotland. In High School, I wanted to be a writer/photographer and work for Rolling Stone magazine. Now, I’m an elementary school teacher with summers off to do whatever I like.
I wanted to be a carnival worker – move around the country, no strings, work with hard-living freaky people. Then I realized how little money they made and re-thought my career. My next career choice was as a trophy wife, but I didn’t want to have to get implants ‘cuz they would just get in the way all the time. Third and more nobler choice was park ranger, but the National Park Service has no cash and ain’t exactly hiring. Still hopin’ though, but if that doesn’t work out, I’ll settle for marrying someone for the health insurance.
I wanted to be a comedian. I am truly hilarious.
Then I went and did some dirty things on film. The dreams of being on stage were shattered by the mere possibility that those pictures would be made public…therefore resulting in my daddy seeing me doing ‘it’. Call Freud.
I am the marketing director for an emergency service contractor…my target clients are in insurance. I am the most exciting thing to happen to these people. Ever. I wish I was trying to be funny when I say that.
Lots of family pressure to be a doctor (dad, grandad), but at 14 I decided on Chemistry. Flirted with vet school and computers in college but Chemistry always won out. My high school chem eacher called me “Prof” one day and, get ready for this…today I am indeed a Professor of Chemistry at a major research university on the east coast. Living the dream and realizing every day how lucky I am to have figured it out early, worked for it, and made it.
On the other hand, I’m sometimes jealous of those still making up their minds, with the whole thing still in front of them. Writer, rock star, standup comic are all on the wish list. Professional celebrity, like Zsa Zsa Gabor, always sounded like a good gig.
But if I weren’t in the geeky classroom/lab, long distance truck driver or big city cab driver would do just fine. Love being behind the wheel.
My youngster desire was to be a rock’n'roll guitarist, but a complete lack of talent put the kibosh on that.
In parallel, for some strange reason, I always had an affinity for office products. Ya know, staplers, calculators, notebooks, etc. Very geeky. And I was always good at math and solving problems. So I guess my real fate was to become an engineer.
And so I am. But really kind of a rock’n'roll engineer. I get paid well to travel all over the world and work with interesting people and do technical engineering stuff. Pretty cool. And I get really good office products. You should see my paper clip collection.
Sometimes I fell guilty because I read about people who have jobs that blow and/or can’t figure out what to do. I am lucky to be doing what I want to do, livin’ the dream. And I really don’t feel that guilty…
In the late seventies / early eighties the term IT Director hadn’t even been invented yet, so I grew up with the idea that I wanted to be an electrical engineer. Until I got to college and realized that I knew more about computers than the guys getting computer science degrees. So I jumped ship (almost got the philosophy degree, not quite though) and started selling PC’s, and now I work for the government as an IT Director. So I’m pretty sure I’m doing the job I used to dream of, since it didn’t exist when I was a kid. At the very least I know I’m doing the job I was born to do.
In the late seventies / early eighties the term IT Director hadn’t even been invented yet, so I grew up with the idea that I wanted to be an electrical engineer. Until I got to college and realized that I knew more about computers than the guys getting computer science degrees. So I jumped ship (almost got the philosophy degree, not quite though) and started selling PC’s, and now I work for the government as an IT Director. So I’m pretty sure I’m doing the job I used to dream of, since it didn’t exist when I was a kid. At the very least I know I’m doing the job I was born to do.
Our son consistently says he wants to be a scientist when he grows up. He loves to build stuff and spends hours and hours with his legos and connex and tinker toys, and more hours drawing the most intricate schematics, etc.
I just gave him my older digital camera and he’s gone nuts with it like a little ninja papparazzi. Says he wants to be a photographer on the weekends.
and just to throw some more things in the mix, he wants to have a restaurant, have a web’show’ to sell stuff, build a city with great hotels and waterparks…
What kind of day was it that made me decide that I couldn’t do what I really wanted to do? Was it one day? Was is day on top of day? one person? my parents never really shit on me being creative. what happend, I wonder? – look at me going all introspective. I just I hope I’m not the one who gives my kid that day cause its fun watching him now.
When I was a young miss, I desperately wanted to live in Montana and study wolves. Still do..I am a stay at home mother to three little boys in Northern Illinois..so close yet so far away.
I always wanted to be a drunken stoner that hangs out and reads usless info on the internet. I guess I am consdidered an overacheiver!
Sometimes wanted to be an artist.
I’d try being a comedian if i didn’t have debilitating stage fright.
Romanticized the secretary role as being 2nd in command… the one that really knew it all and kept the business afloat… I want to do what Mom does. Whoo hoo. Dreams come true. I type in a cubicle.
I hope I don’t stifle my ‘secrets’ with my boring existence.
First dream job – nurse. I aimed high, no?
I’m now a medical writer, which is interesting and pays well. Not a great conversation-starter, so I have fascinating hobbies.