Escape From Monopoly, and Nobody Thinks They’re Stupid
In the little town where we live, there’s exactly one phone company to choose from. They somehow own the entire infrastructure, will not share with other companies, and it’s like 1965 up in this bitch. I’m surprised we’re not required to “rent” a seven pound rotary-dial telephone from them, as well.
I don’t know all the details, and don’t care enough to investigate it, but they’ve also got the phone numbers locked-down. So, if you get sick of their no-competition pricing, and go to Vonage or whatever, you can’t transfer your number. They’ve found a loophole in the federal law, having something to do with “rate area.” Who the hell knows?
Anyway, we finally gave up our number, and switched to Vonage. But I never liked it. I didn’t care for the additional router, it bugged me. And some of the phone calls sounded like a warped record.
Toney wasn’t a fan either, and we considered just dumping our home phone altogether. All four of us have cell phones, and I rarely use the home line. Why pay for a service that’s almost never used? What am I, Bubba Vanderbilt here?
But Toney was talking to the cable company a few days ago, something to do with our bill, and the guy told her they’re offering phone service now. And it goes through the wall jacks, instead of that ugly blinking router boolshit.
And get this… We had cable, DVR, and internet. And now we have cable, DVR, internet, PLUS phone and HBO — for thirty dollars less per month. And that’s not an introductory price, either. That’s the cost.
The phone service and HBO (we weren’t in the market, but they threw it in) are better than free. We got a whole bunch of extra goodies, for less than the original price. And that just doesn’t happen very often.
The local phone company still rules over certain exchanges with an iron fist, and remains arrogant as a sumbitch. But I bet that’s all about to change. Ya know? They’ve fostered so many bad feelings around here, people will be jumping-ship in droves. And I predict that company is about to get real nice, real quick.
And to that I have a quick and concise response: Fuck off. I won’t soon forget the way they treated us when they could get away with it, and I hope the rest of the town sees it the same way. They can jam it, deep and on a slant.
All that stuff you just read? I had to write it twice. I’m unclear what happened, but the Word file where I originally wrote it was lost. Well, I found the file, but it was inexplicably empty.
It’s like I finished most of an update, and shut everything down without saving it. I can’t imagine I’d pull such an idiotic stunt at this late date, but I guess anything’s possible.
Sometimes I worry that I’m kind of stupid.
But, of course, nobody really thinks that, do they? They might begrudgingly admit to not being well-educated, but never straight-up stupid.
Everybody thinks they’re a good driver, too. Ha! That’s a good one. Even people who’ve been involved in accident after accident after accident blame it on bad luck, or other drivers. It’s never — NEVER! — their fault. But I have a reality check for about eighty percent of the people on the road: You suck, and your license should be confiscated at once.
I, on the other hand, am a very good driver. I’m courteous, always know what’s going on around me, and never tailgate. Some days I’m convinced I’m the final one. Pass the beer nuts.
Also, everybody believes they’re funny. We Surf Reporters are genuinely funny, of course, but we’ve all met people with a lousy (or completely nonexistent) sense of humor. And yet, they always believe they’re funny.
Most of them develop an excuse for why people don’t laugh at their “comedy.” Usually it’s some variation of “people just don’t get my warped sense of humor!” Warped? A tragic lack of cleverness might be the actual stumbling block.
Many unfunny people try to compensate with volume, as well. For some incomprehensible reason, they believe a statement that’s completely devoid of wit becomes hilarious when shouted. If you can’t be funny, be loud…
What other human attributes are like the ones above? What are things all people believe about themselves, whether it’s true or not. I was going to include sexual prowess, but I’ve met guys who’ve admitted to being lousy (and Cheetoesque) in the lovemaking category.
Help me out with this one, won’t you? Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys next time, whenever that happens to be.
Have a great day, boys and girls.
Filed under: Daily
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!
To quote David Byrne, “Everybody SAYS they like music,”
Number 2
It’s about time !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and NUMBER FOUR !!!!!!!!!!!!
no way!
Jeff, since you’re now an HBO subscriber, you can watch all of this season’s “Curb Your Enthusiam”s on OnDemand. This season features a Seinfeld reunion. And as usual, it’s very, very funny.
Don’t be surprised the cable company phone is actually a Vonage solution (my Vonage works through my wall jacks and my wife dislikes the quality as well). I am ready to yank the land line but a friend told me about getting an extra cell phone with your old home number and just leave it at the house. No one will know that you do not have a land line.
I openly admit that I am an airhead. I am not un-intelligent, I am just naturally dingy. Sometimes I like to blame the ADD and say that my brain moves faster than my mouth. Hey, it’s my story, right?
Now playing on Ipod- “Easy Skanking” Bob Marley
Hello!
Right, good morrow Surf Reporters. My name is Shiny Rod and I’m the new minister in charge of religious genocide. Now, if you play straight with me you’ll find me a considerate employer, but cross me and you’ll find that under this playful boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac.
Now playing on the iPod “Tom Sawyer” – Rush
Believe me when I tell you that everybody thinks they can write.
I am very funny. If you don’t agree with me, well then you are probably French or something.
I am also a very good driver in bed. That was very funny.
Good drivers don’t get pulled over for rolling through stop signs, or weaving while removing pickles from their Big Mac…
http://thewvsr.com/index.php/i-shoulda-put-em-on-the-glass/
Just sayin’
since I’ve been taking Topamax (nicknamed “Dope”-amax) for migraines, I feel quite stupid at some things. can’t spell for shit, and sometimes have trouble putting a sentence together. I guess it’s more a case of second-guessing myself or I spend several extra seconds pausing, looking for a word that should’ve been Right There. frustrating.
I know someone who absolutely lacks a sense of humor – I’m related to her, as a matter of fact, which ba-lows my mind. Oh, she laughs over things all the time, but its almost as if she needs to wait for a cue. Someone gave her a ‘funny’ birthday card, and, omg, she quoted that thing to me on the phone for 6 months, and just hooted! I’m not very good at pretending to laugh, but I try with this person – out of respect and whatnot.
oh, and Hello @jim britton!
Or nearly get rear-ended on the highway ’cause you’re chatting on your cell phone and meekly pull into the left lane without checking your rearview mirror, and a pickup truck driven by an angry hillbilly has to jam on the breaks to avoid a collision.
I tried searching the archives for that tale, but couldn’t find it.
ok the Further Evidence link is gonna give me nitemares…i just know it.
Not really on topic, but I hate it when you say something funny and the person you said it to repeats what you said back to you, like some sort of acknowledgement that it was funny.
I also hate when people declare their weirdness or strangeness. “I guess I’m just weird that way”. Other people decide if you are weird, you can’t claim weird, and if you do you are a douche. Like Jeff said, people who declare their attributes that they don’t have as just being misunderstood.
I’m a pretty good judge of funny. I’ll admit, I don’t get everything, but I can usually accept that something is funny even if I don’t agree (a fair amount of british humor in my book). But what I do know is when something is not funny. Strange Wilderness is not funny. The Blair Witch Project is funny.
I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m trying to get up earlier and therefore have been mainlining coffee. I need some reds from Dr. Spaceman.
Is this Mockable? Ah damn its mockable lite:)
@good@go LMAO somehow the Bard of WSVR is hoisted by his own petard!
I miss rotary dial phones! there was something important about a phone call when you had to be patient enough to spend 5 mins dialing it! I guarantee “Text M for Murder” would be a crappy movie!
I have no problem with the fact I’m dumb as a post! I merely blame my parents for procreating without a licence! with regard to driving however I am the Stig!
Oh, I’d totally take the shit-camera pill. I’d youtube that shit and maybe James Cameron would be inspired by T-Storms wild colon ride.
NP – Sleep – Kimya Dawson
As a benevolent dictator (project team lead) I run a weekly status meeting and do my damndest to make it fun/fast/worthwhile….and to keep it light I use humor…Jeff, I can’t tell you how right you are about the people who think loud is funny..they walk all over the ones with the truly good punchlines…sigh…
And right up there are the ones that take themselves so seriously that they have turned their sense of perspective off (as well as the sense of humor of course)…bigger sigh… nothing’s as sad as someone who thinks they are a stud doing the same job I do better without the god complex…
I, for one, am proud to follow in the footsteps of Homer J. Simpson: “Lord help me, sometimes I’m just not that bright.”
T-Storm – that repeating thing? Repeating thing 1a is the guy who says the same punchline a second or two later to the group but didn’t hear you because he was thinkin’ hard on his own “punchline”
fuck I hate people
present company exempted of course…
My ex has a humor problem. she can be and is funny but she’s unsure.
Like at trivia night she’ll yell out the right answer when prompted, but then yell the funnier answer after she already said the not funny answer.
Example:
What is the most gaseous planet in the solar system?
Her: Jupiter!
Her 2 seconds later: Uranus!
Me: Shakes head.
My biggest problem is that my voice doesn’t carry over loud. I’m incredibly good at the under the breath comment and I really hate repeating myself. But seriously, my voice doesn’t carry. Maybe I’m like a duck. Or it has to do with the trache scar? Who knows.
NP – Camera Obscura – Forest and Sands
Some people think that they dress well, and they strut their shit all over without realizing that people are making fun of them behind their back. The people of WalMart website is an over-the-top example of this “ought not” behavior. Most people who don’t dress like I do fall into this category .
Pagan, you’re right–this post did have a “mockable lite” feel to it. Maybe all that talk of a redheaded stepchild had an unintended result? Or maybe it’s just perception, since I just spent 1/2 hour getting caught up on the .org site.
Finally, I find extremely annoying (and actually quite mockable) the 25-handicap golfer who takes his game very, very seriously–to the point of getting all of the best equipment, and getting genuinely pissed off when his (or her–I’ve seen it in ladies, too) paralysis-by-analysis Charles Barkley swing results in the loss of yet another $7.00 Pro V1 ball in the deep woods (where they spend 10 minutes trying to find it) or, in a far more entertaining way, via a satisfying (to me) splash in the green-side pond.
I’ll stop there. I’m having too much fun.
BBQ experts that aren’t…but think they are grill-anators? nuff said
Like I said in the update, I always know what’s going on around me. And at 3 am, I’m the only car on the road. It’s not bad driving if I didn’t cause anyone any trouble. Who did I inconvenience by sliding those nasty pickles off my Big Mac? Who did I hurt? Nobody, that’s who!
The defense rests, and is going to the beer store. So if you’ll excuse me…
Your honor, I was minding my own business but the pickle just wouldn’t SHUT UP…i HAD TO DEAL WITH IT, I’m sorry but it was a reasonable response and the officer should have taken it into account
Every time you cross the center line a traffic cop gets crabs, Jeff. Just sayin’.
It’s snowing like a mofo out here now. To all the other Surf Reporters in western PA, be careful out there.
….and I’m back.
One individual I try not to associate with on a regular basis thinks of himself as real Ladies man. Also boasting and bragging about how this chick really digs him and that girl is so hot for him, when in fact, the girls he talks about have told me personally that he is totally revolting and an extreme turnoff. They basically mock him with every chance they get.
hey, that may be a great topic for a guest contribution over at http://mockable.org/
I’ve met people who think the louder they talk…the more valid their point in a discussion becomes. I just smile and get quieter, by no means conceding, and rub my Budda belly. (Please don’t picture me with a Budda belly…I’m a 34 waist).
JCIII,
I know that guy in Cincinnati. Only guy I’ve ever known to actually use cheesy pick up lines. He always has a girl with him though but I figure it’s like Boomhauer. You ask 1000 girls out, one might finally say yes. He’s a royal douche.
I think someone has The Stig and Stig Of The Dump confused.
No seriously Limey I actually am the stig (the black one not the white imposter!)
I don’t know. I’m getting ready to watch Texas whoop Alabama’s ass (even though I now live in Alabama and they take their college football way too seriously).
And I’m having preggers make us a host of “football foods”. We’re having sliders, wings, sausage, fries, nachos, beers, sex….
I’ll be back later.
What really ticks me off is when we’re watching a movie with friends and the one repeats EVERY.SINGLE. punch line as if no one just heard it 3 seconds prior. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.
Or people who think they are truly gifted artist, when in reality, their stuff looks like a 3rd graders doodles.
People pretty much just get on my last damn nerve with spurs on all the time.
OK, I have to ask…WTH is “Cheetoesque”?
Everyone thinks they’re the best worker, and everyone else is a slacker. To quote one of my ex-coworkers who had much more pigmentation in her skin than I, “If everybody do’s like I do’s, they couldn’t do’s it!”
Jeff says “lousy (and Cheetoesque) in the lovemaking category.”….I’m thinking small…cheezy looking…orange…leaves a mess on your fingers…..and apparently has lice…not the most attractive of man-unit descriptions I’ve heard…but I believe thinking metaphorically would be more appropriate in this case
I’ll admit I’m pretty good at what I do, but am also a huge slacker. Also, the busier I am the better I am at it.
I was amazed when 2 jobs ago a coworker and I were assigned to the same drawing (designing aircraft electrical installations) by mistake and saw what I turned in compared to what he turned in. Mine was like a photograph (not to brag, ahem) and his was like a stick figure or toothpastefordinner.
NP – Zoloft – Drive-By Truckers
My parents still live in Little Bumfuck West Virginia and Big Old Comcast came through town last year to hook up the entire town of 2,000 people with high speed cable internet.
They offered 500 channel high def TV including HBO, Stars, Showtime, more I cannot remember, DVR, unlimited phone, and internet for $99.00 per month for the first 2 years. Of course, Dad signs up and is really excited. Installation guy shows up and Dad is not sure where to tell the guy to install the internet cable since they do not have a computer yet and Mom and Dad discuss dining room, bedroom, second bedroom, where, on and on. Guy tells them to make a decision and call back in a few days. Dad forgets to respond for several weeks, then calls them back.
Comcast: Oh, we are real sorry but the installation crew has now moved to East Jabbip for the next installation and that $99.00 offer is now $214.00 per month, plus $80 to get the guy to come back to run your internet cable. My Dad’s head has exploded and he can’t stop bitching about it for like 4 months.
My huge driving pet peeve. I drive a lot of interstate. I am in right lane going speed limit plus 8 or 9. Guy comes up the passing lane one half mile per hour faster than me, gets in the blind spot and stays there for several miles. I slow down 3 or 4 miles per hour to get his ass around me and he continues to match my speed staying right in the blind spot. So, I have made a New Years resolution that anyone that does that to me will result in my turning the wheel to the left very quickly and I will cut his ass off for fucking spite, then I will slam on the brakes, and I drive a huge ass SUV. I hope some cocksucker gets his grill stuck under my rear bumper so I can tow him around.
Jeff, I am beginning to be concerned. The sex theme on your posts have become quite…well…concerning.
Is there something you would like to share with us?
You just described Dane Cook. Only he tries to compensate for being unfunny by saying things loud AND repeating them.
“I hope some cocksucker gets his grill stuck under my rear bumper so I can tow him around.”
I think this wins as the gayest comment of the day.
I’m not smart enough to know what “cheetoesque” means. I have certain mental images, but I may be on the wrong track…
I beg to differ.
You are very well educated, (since I got me the same one you did), I think you are just stupid.
(That’s pay back for you and Bill ganging up on me today, LOL!!)
And if Coach Smith taught you how to drive, I’d like to question your driving abilities.
What bothers me? Men who think just because they are men they know more about college football than I do!!
I’m sorry, but : “They can jam it, deep and on a slant.”
will be the most plagerized quote for weeks to come. Just sayin’…
Cheetoesque is masturbating after eating Cheetos… and not washing your orange fingers first.
I find it grating when people claim to make THE BEST spaghetti sauce (or pancakes or omelet or grilled cheese) EVER. Now, I’m no Julia Child but I’ve never screwed up any of those. Why? Because they aren’t gourmet foods. Any moron can make them. What the hell makes theirs so special that it’s THE best? Anyone who makes such an idiotic claim is immediately written off. Dealbreaker. Watch me roll my eyes for emphasis.
“Cheetoesque” is descriptive of an undersized, uncircumcised flaccid penis. If you look closely, you will find that there is at least one such Cheeto in every bag. I recently sold my collection on eBay for $58.93+shipping.
Eww, I think I’m sorry I asked what “Cheetoesque” meant!
They can jam it, deep and on a slant.
oh.yes.they.can
Hey, the update is here. 54th, babeeeee! Maybe I should work overtime so I can hit refresh 30 times instead of 20. Florida tax dollars at work, y’know.
Some people I know claim to make the best chili ever. As we all know, by now, chili is a meal, but no one, I mean no one, make chili as good as I do. In my opinion, if it’s not clearing out your colon within two hours, it’s not worth eating.
Also, I know a lot of people that say, “Shit, I could win on Jeopardy. I know more than that motherfucker Ken Jennings. I get all the answers right every night”. Bullshit! You haven’t experienced extreme mental anguish until you have gone through the tryout process and actually made it down to the contestant pool. I think they give the candidate that they want to be in the pool the best buzzer, y’know, the one that always works first. Jeopardy can jam it, deep and on a slant.
On IPOD right now- “Driver 8″- REM
I make the best bowl of cereal EVER.
That was very funny.
I make the best of nothing..
Lee Harvey- funny you should bring that up.
At 6:00 am this morning, the five year old AngryWhiteGirl was awake and I had to get her a bowl of Cheerios before I left for work. She took one bite and acted like I gave her a bowl full of rat turds or something. Then she said “Mommy makes the best bowl of cereal, EVER!” Called Mommy to find out that she is lacing the cereal with about three ounces of sugar and that is why the AngryWhiteGirl feels that way. No wonder she’s at school punching little fucks that mess with her in the face.
On IPOD right now- “Gimme Shelter”- Stones
WAR! children, it’s just a shot away.
I saw wussy do that song in cincy on Fountain Square in October. awesome.
Sugar! Cereal! It’s just a scoop away,just a scoop away.
I know it’s only sauce and dough but I like it.
As I was driving down Dunbar avenue to pick up my son yesterday I witnessed a car coming at me, doing all of 15 miles per hour, swerving all over the road. It went into the ditch at least twice and then came to a complete stop as I got ready to meet it.
Inside was a little old maw maw wearing a plastic rain bonnet over a fur hat, sporting glasses thicker than the bottoms of canning jars. She could barely see over the steering wheel.
Honestly, I feel like I’m taking my life into my own hands EVERY SINGLE TIME I drive in my city. There is NO vision or reaction requirements for the elderly in this state so they are free to drive as long as they choose to.
I have even had to go so far as to tell my son to leap off the sidewalk or run up onto the railroad tracks to avoid being run over by an ancient driver.
When I’m old and can’t drive a car, I’ll get one of those motorized scooters and drive like hell on that thing. I doubt I can inflict much damage and it will give me an excuse to wear bright, eye-destroying colored outfits.
Tammie — I like the scooter idea. The only real damage they can do is to the heels of slow people who don’t move the fuck outta the way. Look alive, people. Pay attention to what’s going on around you and no one gets hurt. It’s like watching out for hybrid vehicles that might sneak up on you as you cross the street.
On one hand, I think old people should be able to do whatever the hell they please, but on the other hand, they piss me off when they do. I work in a lab that is currently developing a synthetic thick skin to be used by those who wish to ignore people. Distribution will not be limited to any age group. When it is ready for mass production it will come with a coupon for 20% off mortuary services.
Some people go there entire lives and can never make a decent pot of coffee or pitcher of iced tea. I was able to master both of these at a young age. And I am proud of it.
Now that you have HBO, you’ll have to watch “Hung” when it returns.
Tammie, are you sure that wasn’t Susan ? I can see her driving like that and cusing the whole way when she gets old. LOL!!
A buddy of mine found a Gubberment laptop on the subway in D.C. & it seems under the new health act everyone is going to be turned into Soylent Green on their 70th Birthday! and replace Gubberment cheese!
Tammie, I didn’t know you owned a fur hat ! LMAO……..
Mark you must be pretty cold sitting out there in the tree looking into my bedroom window….
And If you want to “call” it a fur hat that’s fine….*wink*
And My husband is the one who wears the plastic bonnet but I’m sure you already know that from watching through the window….MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, this is one bunch of funny comments, seriously. I laughed out loud several times…at Lee Harvey Ramone’s comment about the best bowl of cereal EVER and hardoxdan’s comcast story! Truly funny!!
To: Evil Twin’s Wife – I know what you mean and couldn’t agree more.
Good Morning Surf Reporters…….
OH SHIT!!! I’m already 75, so they’ll be coming for me any minute!! Don’t know how I escaped them for five years. LMFAO
Love to read the comments. The interplay of all you (us) reporters is classic. Keep up the good work guys.
PS My (male) secret, who sometimes comments as dorothy’s secret, makes the best chili in the world. And that’s not just because he’s MY secret, everybody in Pennsylvania says it. Don’t get much of it lately though, because he’s in York and I live just north of Pittsburgh. Sigh
I had a wonderfully traumatic MRI yesterday. They shoved me in the hole and I was reasonably fine for about twenty minutes, then the claustrophobia started winning the battle. So, feeling like I was gonna pass out, hurl, or both, I pressed the good ol’ panic button that they give you….aaaaand nothing happened. I pressed it again, “Hello?” Nothing but the wub wub wub of the MRI. And that’s when I went from merely distressed to that scene in Altered States where William Hurt regresses to angry primitive man in the isolation tank. In other words, I started jamming that buzzer like a twitchy Jeopardy contestant and screaming bloody murder.
FINALLY someone appeared and got me out, but alas, the mental damage had been done. They apologized (rather smirkingly, I do believe) and said the emergency call button was malfunctioning. My ass it was! Most likely the technician was out of the office doing deep knee bends or something and didn’t realize anything was wrong until the whole imaging center could hear me. FUCK! Either that or they do shit like that on purpose and I’m soon to be a YouTube meme.
Anyone else have a bad MRI story?
The shit is deep in here. I’ve been rolling my eyes so much that I think I’ve sprained the muscles and am now cross-eyed.
gretchen – hope everything is okay and that they got what they needed before they finally pulled you out. If you end up on YouTube, please let us know. (Or maybe you can just give us some additional tag phrases that might differentiate your MRI freakout from the rest, and we can search for the video ourselves.)
I make some pretty mean biscuits and gravy, but wouldn’t claim to be the best. 3 hrs till kick off. Who dey.
NP – Lover, you should come over – Jeff Buckley (who is, as we all know, not the best swimmer)
Thanks, Brynhildr. They did request to shove me back in for another five minutes, but it took ten minutes of coaxing for that. I managed to make it through, though. So far a search of YouTube only revealed that kid with the epic freakout over his World of Warcraft account being canceled by his ma. Well hell, at least I didn’t try to shove the emergency buzzer up my butt!
I’ve never had an MRI but I think I would find it cozy and comforting. I prefer to be alone most of the time. Small spaces do not bother me. I have friends who freek out in elevators and small rooms. I’ve never understood that.
But, I am afraid of tall things like construction cranes and radio towers…not being up on them but driving or walking past them. I mean I get really twitchy around them. So, I am not the best one to judge others.
I make the best Sticky Toffee Pudding, ever.
However, due to dietary restraints, I shall not be tasting it for quite a while.
Its really good though…
Oh well. Remember the mantra ’36 inch waist. No way!’
Most people are just as confident about their “warped” and vacuous humor as their sage health advice (never mind their bloated jowels saying otherwise), and their brilliant luck in gambling and investments. Me? I’m transparent that I don’t know directions, sports, politics, or most anything else. But humor? I’m funny as an anal fissure.
Ok…Fuck it! I’ll say it…..Where’s my update!?
I hate it when people are always telling me they’re better than me because I fuck their wives. Oh, now you a monk just because I fucked your wife? I got news for you, buddy, I go to church and I give money to the Salvation Army.
I’ve run into a herd of people lately that consider themselves stock experts. They tell me their reasoning behind buying this or that stock and it’s fucking absurd. They buy their stock and then they check it 40 times a day. I guess that fits into the theme that people think they’re much smarter than they really are.
Truly intelligent people don’t generally “brag” about it.
A lot of people would call me a “hero”, especially all the people whose lives I’ve saved. But I wouldn’t call myself a hero because I’m not a goddamn braggart.
I retain the title of best hard boiled egg maker on Earth until proven otherwise. Don’t even try it, punks.
Finally…I’ve met someone who’s a hard boiled egg master. I was once told you have to degrade eggs before you boil them to make them peel right and not be too dry. So I get out a dozen eggs and call them every name in the book. I even say stuff like, “Your mother lived because she fucked foxes. And, fuck you you bastard fucking egg.” I tell them they are so fucked up they’re not even good enough for Colonel Sanders to wait for. You ain’t worth even egging a house with at Halloween. Denney’s don’t even want you fucks”.
You know stuff like that. Doesn’t really seem to work. What’s the deal oh wise one.
Gretchen – I’ve freaked out in MRIs before but haven’t squeezed the panic control, but you can bet your ass that I’m going to test that bastard if I ever have to go into that nightmare contraption again. Hope you’re ok.
Just finished watching two Arrested Developments. Laughed out loud several times. amazing! and now I’m watching the end of Three Kings. Seen it many times, too. I need to go to sleep but that would mean I’m saying goodbye to the weekend and I’m just not ready to do that.
Gretchen–for an easy MRI make sure you have on a tight fitting sleep mask,high flow oxygen from a nasal canula,good foam ear plugs and at least two Lorazepams.If not you will be pushing that button like a frustrated Jeopardy player.
Gretchen – Sorry to hear you had a bad experience with an MRI. They just layed me on the table, handed me some headphones and asked what type of music I wanted to hear. That was good because the sounds that machine was making would have had me out of the tube and screaming in 5 minutes. I just don’t like staying in one position for any extended time. The real pisser came when my orthopedic surgeon stated he didn’t need it. He could have diagnosed my knee injury without it.
Tom: I had a mask on, they could have supplied more air, I had ear plugs in, and one itty bitty Lorazepam turns me into a raging bitch (nor can I drive under it’s influence). Such are the mysteries of my body chemistry.
Alice: Good idea! If there is a next time I’ll be testing it in advance too. However, there’s nothing to stop the technician from sneaking out, short of buzzing that thing every five minutes to make sure they’re still there and paying attention.
A panic button? They have those? SHIT!!!!!
I had an MRI a year or so ago, and got absolutely no prep for it. A friend had told me it took 3-5 minutes (some friend), and I figured I could get through that without any problems. I did. But at about 10 minutes I figured that I was now on the other side of “3-5 minutes” and feelings of claustrophobia started. I was also well aware of the fact that there was nothing I could do to get out of the thing (I’m not a small guy…ahem) short of starting to scream. I was able to suppress the screaming, though, and started playing mind games–playing the guitar in my head, trying to remember lyrics, and other shit which took my mind off of my predicament for a good 10 seconds at a time.
Later I found out that there are speakers and a microphone in there, so communication was possible. Nice of the asshole tech to tell me about that. And a panic button? Just knowing one was available would have made a hell of a lot of difference.
If there’s’ a next time? Heavy drugs and a driver. Or a taxi. Or I’ll just stay there ’til the drugs wear off. No question about it–heavy drugs will be involved. And heavy drugs should be involved for anyone who has to undergo this modern-day torture device that’s used most often by doctors to cover their asses.
Saaaaaay….isn’t it ironic that doctors cover their asses, while giving us those open-ass “gowns” to wear in their presence. That’s gotta mean something. Greater minds than mine can figure that one out.
CADude: I am a small person and it still felt like being in a coffin. I’m just glad I’m not alone in getting the willies about these things.
I usually wear a hospital gown to work on ‘casual Fridays’.
There’s a guy where I work with absolutely no sense of humor. It’s not that he doesn’t like jokes he just doesn’t get the punch line most of the time. And when he tries to tell a joke he usually ruins it by telling it so badly and he sticks in words like “basically” where they don’t belong. But he is funny to listen to as he tries to tell a joke. And more recently he seems to laugh at the appropriate time as if someone turns on one of those audience prompts that say “APPLAUSE” or “CLAP”.
Oh and CADude, those hospital gowns have a name . they’re called I.C.U. gowns. How ironic?