Drivers Ed, Little League, and Internet Shit-Talking
Did you have a drivers education class in high school? Apparently it’s quite rare nowadays, and even Toney, who is only three years younger than me, had a watered-down version. She never actually went out driving in a real car, they used a simulator of some sort, at the school.
Not us. We went out on the roads, in a funky car with a brake pedal on the driver’s side and the passenger side — so the teacher could hopefully stop the vehicle before it went crashing through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid man.
I remember several close calls inside that shitty K-car. One girl went sailing WAY off the road, and we nearly rolled down an embankment. I was sitting in the backseat at the time, with a painful, prolapsed sphincter.
Another girl took out a section of a chain link fence, but thankfully I wasn’t along for that ride. Sweet sainted mother of Clarence Earp!
Toney was surprised that we actually had a drivers ed car, and they allowed us on the public roads. Is that unusual? We just took it for granted. What do you remember about it? Do you have any stories to tell? Use the comments link below.
During that class my friend Tim and I wrote alternative captions for nearly every picture in the textbook, and they were funny as hell. At least we thought so at the time. It was a semester-long project, and almost every entry was comedy gold.
We vowed to steal that book at the end of the year, but didn’t do it. I wish I had it now. It was one of my greatest high school achievements. …Hey, I didn’t exactly have lofty goals in those days.
And speaking of olden times, my friend Mike posted this photo at Facebook last night. It’s our Little League team — sponsored by the town’s dentists (heh) — and I’m standing in the back row, second kid from the left.
I usually played first base, sometimes third, and wasn’t very good. But the team was great. The kid to my left, Danny B., was one of the best players in town, and Mike was really good, too. He’s in front of me, middle row, first on the left.
I remember the coach on the left — Dean Thomas — screaming at me: “What are you doing leaning up again’ the wall, Kay?! Move your ass!!” He also told me, in front of the whole team, that if it wasn’t for my fielding, I’d be “sittin’ the bench.”
Ahhh, so many fond memories…
No, I’m only joking. It was a lot of fun. Among many other things, I was involved in a pivotal play at third, near the end of the season, against the only other team that could challenge us.
A big ol’ bruiser named G.G. (I’m not kidding) blasted a line drive to the wall, and didn’t even pause at second base. He just kept on running, and the ball and G.G. arrived at third base at almost exactly the same time.
He put a football tackle on my ass, and there was nothing but a big cloud of dust. And when the smoke cleared I was in a crumpled heap, but held up the ball with my throwing hand. Somehow I’d caught it, and not dropped it, and the ump made a great big, dramatic OUT! sign.
It was fantastic! G.G. started crying, and all my teammates were there patting me on the back. I believe it was the final out of the game, but that might not be accurate. It was certainly a highlight, though. I think Coach Thomas even congratulated me. Unheard of!
And I’m calling it a week here, my friends. I’ll be back on Monday, at the latest. But I’ve been known to crank out a Saturday update, so we’ll see how that goes…
I have a quick Question, in addition to the Driver’s Ed topic above, and your fond (or otherwise) memories of Little League. I’d like to know if you’re aware of anyone who’s gotten into trouble with their employer, because of something they wrote online?
This has nothing to do with me personally, but I sorta know someone who was fired last week, because of something they posted on Facebook. Do you know anyone who’s gotten into hot water for internet shit-talking? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great day!
Filed under: Daily
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
first!
crap. second.
Third Bizatches
Yahoo..internation time zones rock! Love your stuff Jeff.
We had driver’s ed class, but our parents were responsible for providing the car that would be subjected to that particular brand of torture.
If my blog wasn’t private and I hadn’t un-friended my bitch ass boss and her boss’ wife on FB I am sure I would have been fired by now. Fuck ‘em.
There seems to be a lot of that going on now. I recall reading some stories about teachers who were fired for various things that were on their Facebook pages. I don’t have a Facebook page, and don’t intend to get one.
I graduated high school in 1984. We had actual road time in Driver’s Ed. As I recall, the teacher was also a coach of some sort, and would yell at people like he coaching a football game when they made mistakes. There was also another teacher who I think was a couple sheets in the wind from time to time who taught Driver’s Ed.
Where I lived, you did not get to play in the game unless you were an absolute superstar. Everyone who was not, spent their time sitting on the bench.
We had Driver’s Ed in a car just like you describe. You could sign up for ‘Saturday Driving’ in which you went out on the road on Saturday during the school year. Or you could wait until the summer and drive on some sort of ‘course’ set up in the high school parking lot. I went the Saturday route; 3 students and one teacher in the car, out for a nice Saturday drive! It was fun, and I don’t remember any close calls, but I remember a few missed stop signs and such.
I sucked in Little League, but discovered I needed glasses about a year after I quit playing. I blame my poor play on that
OMG, top 10!
Cool picture, JK. I know every single person in that lineup.
I had an unassisted triple play at first base and hit two HRs in a game once, but nothing else memorable.
In driver’s ed, Coach Smith (now dead) slammed on the “passenger brakes” when I failed to let a car on my right go at an intersection, even though he got there after me. He screamed “Goddammit!” as he did so. I thought it was funny and laughed. He then told me to get in the back seat and I never got to drive again that year. Still got a B.
On IPOD right now- “Run Like Hell”- Pink FLoyd
Yeah, I remember the DE teacher was also a big ‘ol pervert/molester type. He would “arrange” it so all the hot chicks went for their “test” drive either alone with him or all together and he would be gone with them WAY past the allotted class time. My goal back then was to study hard and become a Driver’s Ed teacher.
9?
Oh yeah, the team Jeff’s Little League team was playing was MY team and they fucked up our championship dreams. Thanks buddy, you should have let G.G. steamroll you into the third base dugout. LMAO!
In HS driver’s ed we had a guy that was driving and me and a gal were riding in the back. We were driving about 40 mph down the hwy and a semi/trailer decided to pass us on a long straight -a-way. It got right beside us and the guy driving started yelling that it was sucking him under. I was in back on the driver’s side and got a real good look at the underside of the trailer as he drove past us. The dipshit was literally heading under the trailer when the driving instructor grabs the steering wheel and slams on his brake on his side. We go sliding across the road and end up on the side of the road. The teacher mutters “wholly shit” and he then gets in and drives us back to school with all of our sphincters squeezed shut.
Never took Driver’s Ed because if you did, you had to wait out the eniter semester before you could test for your license. My birthday is in July, so I had no need for it. Back in the 70′s, in Beckley, you could only take the written exam for your permit on Tuesdays and you had to wait one week before you could take the driving test for your license. I turned 16, took the learning permit test the next Tuesday and got my driver’s license the following Tuesday. Way better than a semester of Driver’s Ed.
That should read “entire semester”.
Holy crap…does that bring up some highschool memories.
I had the drivers-ed car you speak of. The K-car. I think those things would survive a nuclear attack. The “oh shit!” pedal for our instructor who was, incidentally, a pervert. He was also our sex-ed/health class teacher too. Go figure. Fancied himself quite the ladies-man. I will never forget him…he had a Jay Leno chin and a needledick nose. He tried to cop a feel whenever he thought the coast was clear.
We actually cruised around town. Every time we would apply the brakes and stop with a jerk or too rough, he would make a grunting noise. But if you stopped without incident, he would pucker up his lips and blow a kiss. If this shit happened today he would be strung up by his meatsacks.
We had exactly the same thing; a K car (possibly a didge or plymouth variant) with a passenger side brake pedal. Classes were taught during the summer. A week or so in the classroom and then a number of hours behind the wheel with a teacher.
I graduated in ’88.
My Drivers Ed teacher taught shop during the regular school year. I don’t remember which flavor- wood, metal or auto. His students calleed him goose, but he reminded me of Donald Sutherland in Kelly’s Heros.
A math teacher also did some of the teaching a year or two later.
I don’t recall any incidents personally, but a guy that hung out with one of my older cousins was involved in a bad wreck.
We have a local river that flooded a lot, so the county built a flood basin that let the water just run out without causing any damage to to community. When it’s dry it doubles as a park with a two lane winding road, baseball diamonds, picnic areas and playgrounds. All in all it’s not bad.
This guy was in the back seat and a girl who was driving did something (I’ve never heard the full story) and swerved off the road, hitting a boulder. The car went airborne, traveled a short way, landed and smacked a tree. The guy was wearing his seatbelt and ended up with a cut/bruise across his stomach where the belt gripped him.
I know the teacher lived because he taught me English 8 years later. I suspect the girl driving also survived. I don’t know what injuries they suffered, if any.
I sucked at little league. Full on sucked. But I once saw my cousin take a liner to the eye during Tee-ball. He was “Pitching” and went down like a bag of wet cement.
I never went beyond tee-ball.
And no, I don’t know anyone who is dumb enough to publicly name and denegrate their employer publicly.
Like I said yesterday, I’m in my close to mid-50s and I’m from Georgia–I learned to drive when I was 12 the old fashioned way. School lessons? Please. I went to one of those little, bitty upstart “Private Schools” for 10th and 11th grade. Not a chance. Besides, Driver’s Ed sounds way too fancy pants for where I am from.
Yes, I remember the drivers ed cars at HS with the honking YELLOW toppers that read Student Driver. You know, to warn the other drivers on the road that the car was unpredictable.
1989
As far as fired for facebooking, my favorite headline:
Twitter can get you fired in 140 characters or less
(talk about a fark link)
There was no drivers ed at my high school, but some of the other schools where I live had it. You had to be in grade 11 and it was a full credit course. They got to drive real cars and everything. I always felt kinda ripped off- I had to take drivers ed at night and use up my lunch hour for the in-car stuff, but mouth breathers going to “technical high schools” got to do it rather than real work.
I played softball for a couple of years as a kid (there was no hardball for some reason). Batting was my strong point since I’ve was always a big kid for my age and I naturally gravitated toward hitting things. I also worked part-time for my grandfather from the time I started school. Games were a bit of a challenge since the ballpark was about 4 miles from gramp’s shop and he bitched about every second of work I missed. Eventually it became too much to do both, so softball lost out.
I’ve read a lot of (FARK) articles about people getting canned for on-line stuff, but I don’t know anybody it’s actually happened to. Most stories involve bad mouthing an employer or calling in sick, then posting pictures of the party you attended, so I have limited sympathy. When I used to teach I found the under 30 crowd pretty oblivious to the consequences of on-line stuff. Most knew it was accessible but were dumbfounded when told that employers can use it against them.
My only Driver’s Ed was the old man teaching me how to hold a hill just by using the clutch/gas. Learned to drive in an ’82 Ford Fiesta with a 5 speed manual. Dad’s logic was if you could drive a manual, you could drive anything.
I recall my high school did offer DE with on the road, behind the wheel practice. Now I understand it’s all classroom only. Actual “on the road” are all run by private businesses, and from what I’ve heard are outrageously expensive.
Little League was always fun. I made the All Star team 3 out of the 4 years. My first 2 years I played 2nd base, and my last 2 I was the catcher. That was a helluva lot of fun. Coach taught me the catcher’s equipment were the “tools of ignorance”. I haven’t thought of that in years. Now I’ll need to do a little internet research to find out exactly why that is.
On a side baseball note, 2 guys from high school that graduated a year ahead of me made it to the major leagues. 1 only lasted a season then was sent down to spend the remaining years on farm teams. The other was a major success with the San Francisco Giants, Boston Red Sox, Atlanta Braves and Texas Rangers. But I don’t think necessarily in that order.
I don’t personally know anyone who got in trouble for content they posted on line. I’ve been leery of a few things I’ve said on Twitter, but so far, knock on wood, I haven’t been called to the carpet.
We had simulators that you had to pass the test on before they would put you in the real thing. Plus you had to show proof of insurance. I tried to teach my sister to drive but that was a futile effort that got us both banned from driving the family car. Never the less, she still can’t drive.
Tried out one year but never made the roster so I gave up up being involved with little league. My efforts did get me a scouting badge so it wasn’t all bad. Played one year of baseball and one year of football in High School. Not much to talk about here because the girls I was interested in weren’t having anything to do with jocks so I ended up on student council as the Master at Arms.
I talk so much shit on the internet all the time that they don’t even bother. I guess I may have to clean up my act if I ever want to take that lofty position with the Department of Homeland Security.
I played SS & 2nd base, usually both at the same time because we only had 8 players most games. But we still kicked everyone’s arse and won the city championship. (St. Albans)
BORDEN BURGER! We took a lot of crap for the name but we showed ‘em by God!! LOL
I took Driver’s Ed back in 1980 taught by Coach Barnes on a course set up in an empty paved area down in the bowl. If you messed up, he would invariably say: “That’s your ‘E’ for the day”. I think that he was saying ‘E’ instead of ‘F’, but that will always remain a mystery for the ages. We drove around in a very used Datsun B-10; brown if I am recalling correctly. We would alternate between sitting in the classroom upstairs in the old gym watching the driver-ed horror films about the gory consequences of driving recklessly, and going out to stand in the driving course while waiting for our turns behind the wheel. No sitting allowed, as “you can’t move out of the way quickly enough while sitting on your gluteus”. I’m surprised that I can remember all of this from 30 years ago.
I just received this email, from another teammate of G.G.’s:
Hey, that was my team (Classic Shoe Store) that you got out at third (stinkin’ GG). We were always battling Dentists for first place. If i’d known you were the one that made that out, i would have severed our relationship years ago.
Two more things you would not see in a HS today:
Guys wearing buck knifes on their belts.
Teachers paddling kids.
I was behind the wheel of our Driver’s Ed car (1979)when the teacher coaxed me to “give it a little gas” to which I replied “My foot is all the way down” – The next thing I knew, he yanked the wheel, slammed on his brake, screamed at us to GET OUT THE CAR while a choking grey smoke first began to emit, then blech from under the hood.
Oh yeah…the whole facebook thing. I don’t have a page or want one..at least for personal use. But I wouldn’t mind one for my antique’s business. It is a good way to get your name out there.
Although I have never known anybody to be fired from their job..but I have seen good relationships/marriages go to hell because of gossip, stupidity and childish bullshit. Idiots talking shit on each other don’t realize that sooner or later it will bite them in the ass.
That would be good for an antique business. One of my favorite things do to do – look in such shops.
Drivers Ed!! I used to ride my bike to that. We had a real car, but we had brand new ones, my school was all la de da with money. We drove to whatever fast food joint my instructor wanted. learned how to do drive thrus, which is all you really need anyway.
We also had to pass the written class, driving a real car and simulator..all three or you didn’t get the ok for the DMV. I am thinking they still need this these days.
1995 baby. oh yea
We had the same K-car with the pedal on both sides. Our road trips were fairly uneventful, but the instructor was a funny guy. Pretty sure he was an addict, always was high strung with a runny nose but for the most part was laid back when we were behind the wheel. I and an ex-girlfriend did the road portion of driver’s ed together, and when I had to ride in the back while she drove I would normally sleep. The instructor didn’t care. I was only taking it for the insurance break, as I already had my license at that point.
I played t-ball, never little league. The coach wanted his son to be the star and I didn’t get along at all with a few “teammates” so I hung it up after one year. Should have kept at it because I wasn’t bad at it. Oh well.
We had a driver’s Ed program like yours Jeff…but no real stories that I remember.
As far as baseball goes, while it didn’t happen in LL, The Qweezy Mark pitched a no-hitter in JV ball, while throwing a knuckleball (as if he had any clue on how to throw one.) Our friends were in the infield and laughing our asses off as he was attempting it. It’s a little hazy and he’ll have to fill in the rest, but I believe our coach came out to the mound and yelled at us to be serious.
My school had driver’s ed classes, where they taught the rules of the road and showed “scare films” featuring gruesome wrecks. And the school contracted with a driver’s ed company (I still remember the name of the company’s owner — Henry Pawswienski) to take us out driving. Their car did in fact have that brake on the passenger side, and once when I was driving the instructor actually used it. Back in those days I never quite got the concept that stop signs actually had to be obeyed. For some reason I thought they were more of a suggestion. Even after I had rolled through a stop sign or two, and the instructor pointed out that I was supposed to actually come to a full stop, it still didn’t fully sink it. So the next time we came to a stop sign and I merely slowed down a bit rather than stopping, the instructor jammed on his brake and we came to an uprupt stop in the middle of the intersection. He had successfully made his point (I was rather embarrassed), and I don’t think I forgot to come to a full stop after that (at least not with the instructor in the car; I think after I got my license, it took another year or two — and a traffic ticket or two — before I really started obeying that law religiously).
Oh yeah, the films! We watched this one, and another called Mechanized Death:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yx-rXEdaGao
Classics!
We had regular drivers ed for a semester, then you could sign up for “behind the wheel” after school. The first couple of days consisted of driving forward and backing up in reasonably straight lines in the back lot of the school. Day one I chose the biggest car of the lot, got in, went forward, prepared to go backward and found that you couldn’t see a damned thing through the back window. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to use a Ford Torino for drivers ed? The rear window was like a port hole at a 30 degree angle. Once they set us loose on the roads, our mission was to get our teacher (the basketball coach, of course) to the 7-11 of his choice without killing anyone.
It was possibly a requirement in Ohio to take a drivers ed class before you could get your license. Not too sure but everyone in school took it. They were full on classes where you had to learn the laws, how to read maps, and take tests over what you had learned. The class part was only offered in the spring or the summer. I took mine in the summer but didn’t turn 16 until the fall so I had to wait for my actual driving part until after my birthday.
Our instructor also part owner of the local funeral parlor which I always thought was convenient if, ya know, one of us did something stupid. The car had 2 sets of steering wheels and two sets of brakes. One for us and one for the instructor. The only incident I can think of is when we were in an unfamiliar town and I couldn’t really see due to the rain. I was suppose to make a left turn but didn’t judge the whole speed/distance of on coming traffic. We almost got hit but I slammed the gas and got through the intersection. Highway driving was my favorite because that was the only time we were allowed to listen to the radio.
We most certainly did have driver’s ed when I was in high school. I don’t recall what kind of car we had, but it was some sort of bottom-feeding econobox. The passenger side had a brake pedal for the teacher. The pedal was connected by a cable-and-pulley arrangement to the real brake pedal. There was one kid in the class who had learned to drive on farm machinery and trucks, and had never seen an automatic before. This was in western Massachusetts, kinda rural.
One of my co-workers got canned because of her interweb postings. She talked about work on her (Facebook? Myspace?) page, as one does. But apparently she both said Bad Things and mentioned the company by name. When management caught wind of that, she was out the door.
I was in the high school band, and one day we had left school to play at some ceremony. On the way back, about a mile from the school, our bus passed a car nosed over into the ditch along side the road. Next to the car was our Driver Ed teacher, Mr. Brown, and two girls from my class. Mr Brown didn’t look too happy that day! Needless to say, we all cheered and waved as we passed by.
I took drivers ed at another school locally thru the AAA. I went to my first class, held in a teachers lounge, and there was a huge ashtray in the middle of the table and since it wasn’t my school and i was paying to be there I asked if anyone would mind if i smoked and took out a cigarette. From that moment on (oh and smoking was not permitted) the teacher hated me. It was not fun.
Baseball? played once on a company team (i guess it was actually softball)no little league. i caught 2 balls one in the chin and one in between my knees. Not a fond memory of that either. LOL
I took Drivers ed during the Summer of ’69 (age 16) from my high school football coach. Classes involved both the simulator (a trailor with 10 or 12 stations) and then in a new Olds Cutlass. That was back when education was done right and the schools didn’t waste so damned much money on administrative bullshit and kids whose parents snuck into the country.
I feel better now.
I played baseball through college, and over the years played so many games (from bad teams to championship teams) that I don’t remember too many specifics from little league. But I do remember that as a 9 year old hitter I busted up the face of a big hotshot 12 year old pitcher with a line drive come-backer–funny how the gruesome stuff stays with you. And I have a picture similar to Jeff’s in which there’s either a flaw in the film (my theory) or a booger in my nose. I’m so proud. As for getting hit by the ball, well I don’t know that there are many places on my body where I haven’t been hit by a baseball. The damned things can take some weird hops, and the bruises/black eyes go away after a while.
I’ve got nothin’ on Facebook. I waste too much time on the interwebs as it is, and am not a fan of disseminating “all there is to know about me” in public.
I am old enough to have the old in car drivers Ed. Our instructor used to fall asleep and more than once we ended up halfway to the coast. It is a SHAME that they don’t teach people how to drive anymore.
If you have Zitsters who are nearing that age, look up your local Audi, BMW, or other sports car club. They run Teen driving clinics (one day) and they will get junior out with an Experienced high performance instructor in the right seat. They will let them get the car out of control & how to bring it back. I hate to plug stuff, but for less than $150 you might not have to attend juniors funeral. They will learn so much in 8 hours, you’ll be amazed, and so will they. They also run clinics for adults, also seriously worth it.
Here in MN in the winter they even have clinics on frozen lakes in the winter. Never be scared of winter driving again.
Here’s a particularly gruesome Driver’s Ed film:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rzr7CHX_0b0&feature=related
Boys you are having way to much fun with this!! I didn’t know Coach Smith was a perv, espically with his wife teaching right across the hall. I wasnt locky enough to have drivers ed, I guess that’s why I wrapped my 1970 302 Boss Mustang around a light pole in Kroger’s parking lot doing doughnuts in the snow!!
AWG, Why don’t I know who you are?
Skully, I have a brother that graduated from St.albans in 84, he owns the Edlo now.
Oh the joys of going to high school in the late 60′s. For drivers ed we had the use of an Olds Cutlass with a honkin 455 and 3 on the tree. Every launch from a stop left a little BF Goodrich behind. Loved that car. Had one big ol’ boy that ran 16 stop signs in a row. The instructor almost blew a head pipe by the end of his driving time. The next week we had to drive a section of I-77…the big ol’ country boy did this 10 mile stretch at 26 mph. Nothing the instructor said could make him speed up.
I played Little League in Parkersburg, WV for Somerville Construction and we sucked. I had 3 hits in 3 years even though I played every game. The coach said one time, “Wow, you are terrible.” At least he said Wow. Heh.
@ Vicky – I went to HS in Ga and we had simulator and K-car. The coach teaching the course scared me more than the bad driving did.
I do know someone fired for posting stuff on FB and what they did was so bad I can’t go into details. I could be fired for talking about it – especially online.
We had driver’s ed at school with the same kind of car you’re talking about. Except we’d team up and have other driver’s ed students as passengers in the back seat. This one paranoid fuck, named Chris, was my driving buddy. The driving teacher sat on the other side and he sat on the driver side. And he was scared shitless of turns. He’d take them like the second hand of a watch, and I’m not talking Rolex. Instead of a smooth turn he’d make a series of quick exaggerated jerks. At one point I actually puked out the window. I get carsick when riding in the back seat to this day, and I blame him for it.
He’d also freeze up when we got on a major highway. We’re talking scary shit here. He’d freak out and pull into the shoulder and drive about 40 mph while the teacher yelled and tried to set him straight. He passed anyway. I’m sure he’s sitting on the side of some interstate as we speak, hyperventilating.
I don’t know of anyone that’s lost their job because of interweb postings. I hope nobody at work ever finds my very tasteful nudes (some are even black and white) because I’m sure they’d consider some of it “vulgar” and “perverted” and “unsafe” and “dangerous”.
If you take your tongue and rub it between your upper lip and teeth there’s a piece of skin there that holds your lip to your gums (I guess). Mine is busted. It happened in little league when I was pitching and I took a line drive to the nose / upper lip. Damn near knocked me out.
One year for driver’s ed we had a ford tempo….. real shitbox, the next, a ford bronco 2…… also a slug. Local ford dealer provided the cars. They were both so sloooooooooowwwwwww, hard to get in an accident. Yet the driver’s ed instructors always seemed to be nervous wrecks, for some odd reason. I already had my license when I took the course (required), and already knew not only the art of paralell parking, but also how to do doughnuts, reverse doughnuts, brakestands, rollbacks on hills (or J’s), “neutral drops” any many other forms of tire / auto abuse. So it didn’t do much good, the class, that is.
47th!
We had like a Crown Vic or some shit. Nothing too bad in that car happened to me. But an ex girlfriend on her final exam ran a red light in front of a cop and got a ticket. Wasn’t necessarily her fault, the instructor told her to gun it or whatever. I bet she still got the ticket though. The details are sketchy.
Now Eating: Subway cold cut combo. Mmmmmm. It was a very pleasant experience with the tattooed chick behind the counter.
Getting fired for posting something online? No one I know and everything else is anecdotal. I can see it though. I wouldn’t add my boss if my job depended on it. A former boss, sure. But not the current.
NP God Lives Underwater – Weaken
Jason, let the bunker cam decide whether they are “tasteful” or not.
Driver’s ed in a 1994 Chevy Cavalier four door. Blaugh! The only consolation was that it was an automatic, so I didn’t have to worry about stalling the thing. (All three of our family vehicles were stick.)
Very first day, my partner Beverly was driving first, leaving school. We headed up the somewhat winding road, and she was kind of hugging the center line. Ms. Scott said, “Keep to the right…” and didn’t get the rest of her sentence out. Beverly yanked the wheel to the right to take off on that side road that just happened to be where Ms. Scott had said, “Keep right.” Ms. Scott jammed on her brake and we screeched to a halt. She actually laughed and said that her timing couldn’t have been worse. She explained what she meant and away we went again.
Got to take the real driver’s test with Ms. Scott in that car that we’d been practicing in. She was licensed by the state to give driver’s tests! I passed first time, but still had to go to court to pick up my license. Even then the judge gave my license to mom and said she could give it to me if she wanted to.
Corpses don’t bleed. At least that’s what I kept telling myself as I watched the warm red stuff bubble out of the two bullet holes in my chest. I still had a chance. Not a good chance, but hell, beggars and chumps with thirty-eight caliber slugs in ‘em can’t be choosers. How did I end up a blood-dappled throw rug? Would it surprise you if I said there was a dame involved? No, I didn’t think so. At the end of the day — drained, damp and dyin’ — it’s always a dame.
Her name was Lola. Lola Levine. You know the type. California blonde with a brunette bikini wax, actress without a SAG card, naughty pictures on a members only web site, and junior cantor at the Beth Israel Synagogue in Beverly Hills. Well, let’s call it Beverly Hills adjacent. Ah, what the hell, West Hollywood. Still, a nice neighborhood to belt out the high holiday Torah favorites. Anyway, Lola Levine. The reason this Buddha-dabblin’ gentile is about to get tucked in for the long dirt nap.
I wish I could say my sudden loss of precious bodily fluids was the result of me gettin’ caught doin’ the horizontal horah with the very zoftig Ms. Levine. You know, the ol’ jealous rabbi with a loaded Smith and Wesson hidden under his milk dishes story. But it’s not. Lola didn’t like sex. And the rabbi didn’t like Lola. No, I am sittin’ here in all my ventilated splendor because Lola’s sister liked sex.
Her name was Christine. Christine Levine. You know the type. California blonde with a brunette bikini wax, actress without a SAG card, naughty pictures on a members only web site, and trans-sexual Franciscan monk.
-Thanks Chuck
Tilly – …and I’m quite sure the guy will remember the one on knee too! Sorry, I couldn’t let that one roll by!
Excellant!
took drivers ed in school, actually did the book work when I was 14. turned 15 a week later and took the driving portion. the class before us wrecked the car (big 4 door Plymouth) so there was a dent in the rear drivers side door. people would see that and move over to get out of the way! Basil Mawbey was our instructor and he told us if he had another car load of students like us he was going to ask for a roll cage to be put in the car. the next year a girl made a left turn in front of a semi. Coach Mawbey ended up with a broken neck and wore a collar the whole next year. guess he should have put the roll cage in….. had my permit for a year before I could get my license, one of the longest years of my life! got pulled over while I had my permit for doing 50 in a 35, thank goodness the cop was nice and gave me a warning.
sucked at baseball, never played but did get hit in the head with a bat and knocked out playing with the kids next door.
Had drivers Ed in HS. A friend and I got sent home one day for talking. I think it was during one of those carnage films that was to scare us into the seriousness of paying attention while you drive. The trainer had peddles on his side and would floor it if he thought we weren’t merging quick enough – made us scream. He would also make us frequently stop so he could smoke. I mostly learned how to drive on my Grandparents farm, I think I was driving a tractor by about 8 – obviously no rules to follow. My brother would be riding on the back of the tractor and my favorite thing to do was whip my foot off the clutch when starting out – SEE YA!!! Then I would pretend I didn’t know he fell off. Good old Dad also ‘helped’ me learn how to drive ‘ STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP’!! As my foot was on the break and stopping at oh 5km/hr.
Saw reference above to donuts – A friend used to borrow her Mothers car and we use to spend Sunday mornings (before Sunday shopping days) in a mall parking lot doing donuts of the ice – big fun.
Played softball now and again but was mostly into soccer my entire life. I remember this one coach (outside of school) who was a complete alcoholic, he would always forget everything and accuse of crazy things. ie. Once we had a fund raiser and he accused us of stealing all of the money even though it went right into the bank.
I heard Toyota recalled all of their drivers ed cars because they would magically accellerate and the brakes didn’t work.
Stupid Japans. They deserve all that Godzilla shit.
Driver’s Ed, what’s that?
The only Driver’s Ed I had was aboard an ancient bicycle.
My driver’s test was administered by a genuine Texas Ranger in Ballinger, TX. I had just turned 18 and was a newly minted member of the USAF.
What year? Yeah, right. (Hint: watch The Last Picture Show.)
Today’s quote: “The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” Thomas Szasz
nicely done my Shiny friend.
Thomas Szasz – The worst answer for the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune ever.
My Grandpa Joe let me drive everywhere when I was about 10 or 11 years old. He had a 1967 Chevy Stepside pick up truck, three speed on the column, straight six. He was already retired, could not see for shit, and was half drunk by 10 AM every day. (He was a carbon copy of Uncle Joe from Pettycoat Junction, and he was a blast.) He also let me smoke cigarettes, play poker for money in the back of the barber shop, and pound shots of whiskey with his retired buddies, then I drove home. Imagine that today, Christ, they would lock him up.
My Mom and Dad used to bitch him out for allowing me to drive at that age, but he swore I was a better driver than he was.
I turned 16 years old in 1980. Dad had a 1976 Lincoln Town Car that just sat in the garage. Mom would not drive it because it was too big for her and Dad always drove his truck. I had my driver’s license 2 weeks after turning 16 and that car was all mine after that. I loved it, drove it to high school junior and senior year every day.
A State Trooper named Jack Ice gave me my road driver’s test. He noticed me going 40 in a 25 speed limit going up Charles Street during the test but passed me anyway. At the end of the test, he mentioned that he had seen me driving in town for years and assumed that I was on a learners permit. (Gave me the evil eye.)
Two weeks later, the same Trooper gave me my first speeding ticket going 70 in a 45 up State Route 2, right through town, no warning, no small talk, just sign here.
Good times.
Driver’s Ed consisted of sitting in a classroom watching Red Asphalt in an attempt to scare us into behaving behind the wheel. Then they talked about a few rules of the road and each kid got about 5 minutes behind the wheel of a K-car. A half-day deal and we were sent packing. My school relied heavily on the parents to do the teaching, so my mom took me out to the mall parking lot to practice in our Oldsmobile Cutlass Cruiser wagon with faux wood paneling, a sea-going vessel if ever there was one. Got my license on my 16th birthday.
Didn’t play softball as a kid, but I did play co-ed intramural ball in college. Just before a game during warm-up, the catcher nailed the pitcher in the gonads with an errant throw. The pitcher stood there for a minute and then, trying to maintain his composure, called the 1st baseman over and pretended to have a huddle with him. In reality, the pitcher was telling the 1st baseman to hold him up and help him walk. I could already see the sweat rolling down the pitcher’s face as he sat down next to me on the bench. Before I knew it, he was out cold, on the ground, and plowing grass with his face. We rolled him over and he came to a minute later, asking if I could take him to the emergency room. Severe testicular bruising. He came very close to losing a nut that day.
Thanks, B.
Every guy just cringed at STB.
Had drivers ed with the car and the passenger brake. Only took the class because it was a good time to fuck off. We got out of one of our other classes every other week to drive. Spent most of the time driving the teacher to do errands.
Teacher decided to make his own “instructional video” about being arrested while drunk driving. Chose me and my other two driving partners (one of which was nicknamed “fetus” – long story, but you really didn’t want him driving) to be the actors. I’d like to say it was because of my theatrical chops but I’m guessing he was trying to teach a two-for-one considering my reputation. Needless to say, the acting in that particular film was oscar worthy. The other actor/driving partner ended up getting arrested by the cop who “acted” in the video two years later and blew a .68. I know, not accurate because he should have been dead with a a number that high, but it was the field model and we were 17. He paid the public intox ticket.
Sucked at baseball. But the dugout was a great place for extracurricular activities.
First: Driver’s Ed. We had fairly sturdy GMC 4-door sedans. They were parked at the high school. Since this was along our drinking route, we’d pee on the door handles of the cars, but not the one I used. I had a couple free periods before Drivers Ed. and sometimes we’d get toasted before driving.
I had 2 kids go through Little League. I was helping out with the kids’ batting stances. One kid is all assways in the batter’s box. When I tried to correct him, the father says, “He’s trying to go to right field.” This was tee-ball, mind you.
No Driver’s Ed – my Dad taught me, and I broke out in hives every time he yelled at me, spent a lot of time scratching. Had to buy my own car and insurance before I could even start. Got a 1964 Chevy Corvair Monza Spyder 5 speed convertible. Bought it used in 1966, $650. and it came with a bullet hole in the windshield. Loved that little piece of junk!
Tilly-our school had a room set aside as a smoking lounge just for students. You could use it before school, during your study hall or your lunch break. They didn’t want the smokers to pollute the rest rooms between classes.
There is a great 2-disc set of those old Public Service Highway Safety films called “Highway To Hell,” which features a lot of those old Ohio State Highway Patrol-lensed classics like “Wheels Of Tragedy,” “The Last Prom” and “Red Asphalt.” It also features a great historical overview from some of the actual filmmakers who were involved, and it’s available through Netflix. Well worth a look for some old time gory nostalgia…
Also check out “The Education Archive” DVD series, for their compilation of old Driver’s Ed films, which are a total hoot.
Bumblebee100k@msn.com (you really need to shorten that name), I thought you did know me. I am erased from a lot of people’s memories. I’m just a mystery that way. However, as I said before, I know who you are, know who your brother is, know who his wife is (formerly S.C, now S.K.) and know who their drugged out neighbor is (rhymes with Singleton). And I haven’t lived there for 27 years. Anyway, congrats to NOLA. I’m not happy about it, as Colts defense laid down in the second half, but the better team (that day) won.
On IPOD right now- “Jesus Christ Pose”- Soundgarden (looking forward to the reunion tour this year)
Drivers Ed was pretty much the same here, take the classroom stuff, get your permit, drive with an instructor. We had one instructor who loved going to McDonalds and taking naps, so after a couple of Saturdays we’d just point the car towards the nearest McDonalds and wake him up when we got there. Had one kid I drove with who had no idea how wide the car was or terrible depth perception or something. When we would be using side streets and he would come up on a parked car he would veer way the hell to the left to make sure he gave it ample room on the right to the point he’d damn near be rubbing the curb on the other side of the street.
I sucked at LL. But I still had a lot of fun, I was the kid out there filling his glove with dirt and not paying any attention. Can’t believe Coach ever gave me any playing time, we won the championship in my 2nd or 3rd year with very little help from me.
i graduated from high school in 1953(!!!) we had driver’s ed, but the car had no “oh shit” pedal. one of my friends somehow managed to get out on the football field and total the tackling dummy. the driver’s ed teacher was named mr. christ (he pronounced it to rhyme with fist) and i’ll bet he said a lot of interesting things as this was going down.
I graduated in ’78 and we had both the simulator and the car with the “OH CRAP” pedal on passenger side. I always loved how the teacher would stop the car in the middle of an intersection if he didn’t like your hand-over-hand turns or if your hands weren’t at 10 and 2.
When we were in the simulator, my buddies and I would drop the clutch pedal down which changed the thing from automatic to “Three on the Tree”. We would be revvin’ and shifitn’ to beat the band.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, I give you Death Bear!
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35319061/ns/today-valentines_day/
AWG….Ok so you know who I am. I’ll send Bill a message to see who you are. You definatly know my family, but brother and SIL no longer live beside crack house, they moved last year.
Saints wins was definatly big here but i will always be a Steelers fan. This is definatly the right ime to live in NOLA. I don’t know if you are on facebook but I posted a bunch of pictures and a couple of videos from the Saints parade. You can frined me or link thru Bill or Jeff.
Apologies if she was already mentioned, I got tired of scanning the comments to check. Heather B. Armstrong, aka Dooce. (dooce.com) was fired for her blog. Now she blogs full time and makes enough cash that she and her hubs live off the blog. Being “Dooced” is a term for being fired for blogging or internet related activities (Or at least it was an answer on Jeopardy!)
And no drivers ed for me. I graduated in ’98.
t-storm — I aim to please. The rest of the story goes like this: A day or two after the emergency room visit, we were sitting around the pitcher’s apartment joking about the errant throw and its aftermath, when one of the roommates (who knew I had a serious crush on the pitcher and was pining away) blurts out, “You really gotta see the damage. It’s unbelievable. Show it to her.” I was horrified at the prospect and turned away as the pitcher started to pull down his sweats.
I wouldn’t look and he was determined to make me so he stood there in front of me with his goods a foot or so away from my face, which I had covered with my hands. After a few minutes of this harassment, I hit him in the gut, pushed him away without looking, and left. For a while after, the standard joke within the group included dick jokes and frat boys trying to expose themselves to me any chance they got. The penis in its natural state is ugly and frightening enough to a young virgin. Had I actually seen the horrific damage, I might have run off to a convent.
My school system provided the cars for driver’s ed. I’ll never forget the sight of a dozen Plymouth Volares with orange cones wedged underneath. We had to pass a written & parking lot test before we could get on public streets. I think mine was the last class to get driver’s ed before “budget cuts” ended the whole thing. After that, kids just had to learn on their own, I guess.
Bumblebee…Bill definitely knows me, as I lived just down the street from him and we used the parking lot across from my house for many major sporting events.
Good to hear they moved away from the crack house.
No facebook for me. Don’t have that kind of time.
The IT pinheads are going to block EVERYTHING starting next Monday. Only time to get into here now will be on lunch hour from the library. That sucks ass.
I’ll bet it’s crazy in NOLA right now.
On IPOD right now- “California Uber Alles”- Dead Kennedys
AWG….I shortened my name for you. Also Jeff told me who you were and yes, I do know now!! And the comments definatly fit your personality, well your old personality anyway!!
they had to move couldn’t get the wonderful Dunbar cops to cooperate and close the crack house down. You think living next door to a sherriff would scare them, but they couldn’t care less/Brother even drove his sherriff car home and they didn’t clink!!!
Yes NOLA is CRAZY. Can’t waite the weekend parties!!
Our drivers ed teacher was a pervert who had his own rear view mirror so he could look up the skirts of the girls in the back seat-some would flash him probably hoping for a passing grade.
Brynhildr-someone had to ask-How do feel about them now ?
Learned to drive on Mom’s 421 4-barrel dual-exhaust Pontiac. Station Wagon. That thing went like a bat out of a gun.
By the time I got to Driver’s Ed, 2 of the 4 of us in the car already had our license, so we’d drive around while the football coach/driver’s ed teacher read the morning paper and scratched his balls through those polyester gym teacher shorts he always wore. (you remember the ones….)
Seems like there was a discount on insurance if we took it – waste of time.
tom in cola — That all depends on whom it is attached to.
Good Morning Surf Reporters….
Our drivers ed was both through our school AND through one of those Separate jobbies. The “teacher” for the drivers ed was employed by the school, and we gave the school the exorbitant fee, while the separate jobbie got a cut. While we did watch a few of those RED DETH ON THE HIGHWAY films most of the time we spent screwing around. The course was required if you wanted your license when you turned 16. We had one of those teeny little shit boxes but with two wheels and two sets of pedals. Nothing death defying happened in them as I recall.
I never played any intramural sports but, in high school I was one of those BIG girls (not really fat, just built like a Valkyrie) . We had a gym teacher who only liked the pretty gals, You had an option, either you could play the “Sport o’ the Day” or you could walk laps. We started Baseball, and he told me that with my size he didn’t think I would have the ….motivation…. to do what it took to win. Asshole… What he didn’t know was that my dad was in the minors and taught me how to play since I was old enough to hold a plastic bat, and I also spent the afternoons just after school with the dog in the park with a bushel basket of balls and a bat just thwacking them where I pleased to have the dog fetch.
Of course, he was the only one he would let pitch, so, after I bitched at him for throwing me two underhand balls he actually pitched one for me.
I took a step and gave him a line drive right to the jewels. I walked over to his sweating rolling form and said “Gee Mr. Greene, maybe I don’t have what it takes, I mean, I didn’t get it to the field at all….” Dropped the bat by his head and walked to the showers….
They called an ambulance for him the wiener, but I never had to walk laps again that semester.
aqua,
i don’t remember your name previously, but i think i love you.
@t-storm
I have posted once or twice, but I am mostly a lurker.
ok good.
i stand by my statement.
Aqua-Great story, I pictured my douchebag gym teacher laying on the ground writhing in pain as I read your story!
Aqua,
You should post more often.
8 more inches of snow Monday. I fuckin hate Winter.
This is a bit off topic, but I was wearing one of my smoking fish shirts out and about today. Went to Bob Evans to eat, and between my bites of bacon and sausage, I started to wonder if anyone found their way to this site by seeing someone wearing a shirt. The topic has been discussed previously, that is, how people ended up here, but I don’t recall anyone saying “I saw it on a shirt.” Just curious. Oh yeah, I’m drunk.
Good Morning/Evening/Night Surf Reporters…………..
We didn’t have drivers ed at any of our highschools save for one where a drivers ed program was run out of, and it catered to everyone after school/summer time.
It had a small driving course out back. Always got shit for taking the slalom portion too fast.
The road portion put you in a car with two other students, half day session. Worked out nice. I was with another guy who also spent time on a farm, drivers ed for him, like me was solely to get an insurance discount, the other was a city girl afraid of gravel roads… so you can imagine that first day for her when two country bumpkins went tearing down the gravel.
We also had a good selection of old road films during the class portion. “Signal 30″ put out by the Ohio State Patrol was a good one. You can find it on archive.org. Those films lasted only a couple more years until somebody complained and they pulled them.
One film title I’ve been trying to locate was an early drivers ed film, and focused on highway driving, set during the early interstate days, the driver (older guy) and his instructor where riding in possibly an early 50′s convertable, making particular note of using onramps and offramps. If anybody knows of a title, let me know.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the girls here at the WVSR.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpKetg1Qewg&feature=player_embedded
…dave
dto – soundcards broke on my computer. Happy V-day back at ya.
I went to a small school without a drivers ed program…so my Mom hired this third party guy that had his own “driving school”…He shows up the first day in a shiny new red Beretta, none of this K-car shit, he was riding in style. It had the extra brake but no steering wheel. So he says jump in, and within minutes we were rolling, with me at the wheel. He jumps in the passenger seat and places a black automatic handgun in the console…I didn’t say anything, but my looked must have warrented an explanation(not EVERYONE had CCW permits then) he said something about having to carry large amounts of cash, blah, blah…So he fires up a smoke and tells me to merge onto I-75 at rush hour….I had been driving for all of ten minutes and this guy has me doing 80mph on the interstate. My only instructions were “don’t let off the gas EVER…it’s like hittin the brakes out here…”
Wow, the good old days!