Cartoon Voices, and What Does Cincinnati Have to Do With It?
On Saturday afternoon the oldest Secret was at a football game with a friend, and the younger boy asked if we could go to Five Guys for lunch.
Hey, you don’t have to twist my love handles. Let’s go! It was a fantastic idea.
While we drove I could almost taste the melty cheese and grease. Mouthwatering, as they say. Mmmm… Five Guys. I’ve started having them add green peppers to my burgers, and it makes them EVEN BETTER.
But it was not to be. As we pulled into the parking lot we saw what seemed like fifty or sixty high school-aged kids emerge from a van (it felt like an optical illusion), all wearing matching blue and white sweatsuits.
It was some kind of team, and every single one of the grab-ass dipshits would be in front of us for burgers. Grrr… Five Guys is great, but they’re not known for their speedy service. I estimated a forty minute wait, and my inner sensors almost never fail me when it comes to food.
Toney groaned, and said, “No way.” She needed to go to the grocery store, and was already irritated she was getting such a late start. My wife was in no mood to stand behind the William Howard Taft Fightin’ Fatsos, or whatever they were called.
But the Secret challenged this decision, and we continued walking toward the front door as we discussed it. And when we got there we saw that the dining room was completely packed-out, like a rush hour subway car.
There was also a sign on the door warning about wet floors (it had been raining most of the morning), and we watched an elderly woman nearly slip and fall. Good god, what a burger-themed nightmare.
“I’m not going inside that mess,” I told the Secret, putting the final nail in the coffin of his Saturday plans. And as we turned to go back to the car, a large Fat Albert-like gentleman emerged from the mosh-pit, holding an enormous soda.
“You better be careful in there,” he said, “the floor is like a sheet of ice.”
“Yeah, we just saw someone almost go down,” I chuckled.
And then he said something that completely confuses me, and bothers me a great deal. In fact, I’m going to need your help with it, if possible.
He said, “Hey, you go to Cincinnati, and it feels like you’re in Scranton!”
WTF? What does that mean?? It’s gnawed at me ever since. Cincinnati? What in the everlovin’ hell? What’s that have to do with slick floors? And we WERE in Scranton. I don’t get it, not one tiny bit. And it’s eating me alive!
Toney keeps telling me to let it go, but I can’t. I need to get to the bottom of this. What was Fat Albert talking about?? Please help me, won’t you?
And this has been a hectic day already: I had to pick up the younger youngling at school ’cause he’s sick, Toney’s in the middle of EVEN MORE swim team drama (it’s like a soap opera or a junior high), and I had a pleasant conversation with my original book agent, who now works for another agency.
So, I’m going to have to cut this one a little short…
But before I get to the Question, I’d like to make a quick book suggestion. Some of the older readers of this site will probably remember that I was in discussions at one point with National Lampoon Press, about possibly co-authoring a book called Field Guide for North American Humans, or somesuch.
They paired me with a guy named Aaron Starmer, and the two of us hit it off. We worked well together, it seemed. Here are a couple of the sample pages of our project — which was ultimately and unfortunately rejected.
In any case, Aaron has sold his first novel, and it was released last week. He’s a funny and nice guy, and I hope a few (or more than a few) of you will check out his book. It’s called DWEEB, and here’s the Amazon link. My copy is already on order.
DWEEB is a young adult book, but if I know Aaron it’ll appeal to us old adults as well. I’m looking forward to reading it, and congratulate him on his accomplishment.
And that’s my plugola for the day. Give the book a shot, and I can almost guarantee you won’t be disappointed.
And now I’ll leave you with a Question that came to me yesterday, when I stopped at Sheetz for a drive-to-work Mountain Dew.
There’s a girl that works there who sounds like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. I’m not kidding, her voice is high-pitched, piercing, and ridiculous. Every time I hear her ask a question, I think the Disney Channel is on.
And that’s it: tell us about people you’ve encountered in your travels with “memorable” voices. Tell us how it sounded, your reaction to it, etc. Use the comments section below.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Filed under: Daily
I think little Hanna-Barbera’s sister lives in Georgia and was at the Kroger yesterday afternoon about 4:15.
Your love handles mention made me think of Curb Your Enthusiasm last night and I nearly choked on my afternoon coffee.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!
D’oh Top Ten !
I think your burger dude meant that Five Guys Scranton was just like Five Guys Cincinnati. Best guess.
I’m right with you, though; I have a deep, deep aversion to lines.
I’m with dogberryjr ~
I believe he was saying, to wit:
If you’re ever in Cincinnati and patronize a 5 Guys there, you’ll experience the same mind numbing pandemonium with shit slicked floors just as you are now in Scranton.
Top ten – woo!
We sold our house yesterday – even got what we asked for it! Do I need to send Obama an award or something?
“William Howard Taft Fightin’ Fatsos” – classic.
Do people from Michigan or Boston count as memorable voices? I was in Manchester NH once and it sounded like a Kennedy Family Reach-Around. Jeez Louise…
Hi everyone, I’m back from my road trip – 2000 miles in one week (NC to Bar Harbor and back), tired as hell and in need of some surf reportin’…
Voices – well, many years ago a friend of mine in grad school was married to a woman who was perfectly normal in every other respect but laughed loud and in your face at things that were not really even all that funny. The decibel level went from library to jet engine and then back again – I could never get past how irritating that was.
I saw her again a few years ago and had completely forgotten about “the laugh”. 3 minutes into the conversation, I was harshly reminded.
I have no idea what Fat Albert was trying to say and it would bug the shit outta me too. Whatta douche!
I swear when Mr. Burns(my boss) talks all I hear is Wah-wah -wah ala Charlie Brown…
I recently overheard a college aged girl who talked like Mickey Mouse go on about the sex she had with multiple partners over the weekend.
Good Times. Not.
I’ve been working with a pear shaped man who sounds exactly like “Corny” from Mr. Rogers’ Neighboorhood. At first I thought he was playing with me, but he isn’t. He talks this way all the time. He also uses the word “buttfucking” in weird ways. For example, “I can’t tell which buttfucking street I’m supposed to turn on” or “I’ve been to three stores and can’t find the buttfucking parts I need to fix the sink.”
Here’s a short clip of “Corny” from Mr. Rogers’ Neighboorhood to refresh your memory. Sounds JUST LIKE HIM.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cidzzet8fzc
I think Fat Albert was trying to compare the “sheet of ice” in Scranton with the weather in Cincinnati. That is to say, it seems like ice here, and it IS ice up there. That’s my best guess. Sounds like he might have had a permanent head injury.
Someone should do him a favor by taking him to the river, telling him all about the rabbit farm, then blowing his fucking brains out.
In my office alone, I have Fran Drescher, Olive Oyl, Bullwinkle and Poppa Smurf. We relentlessly make fun of them when they leave the room.
My neighbor sounds exactly like the above pictured Wanda, from Fairly Oddparents.
My brother in law sounds like Chumley, from Tennessee Tuxedo.
When you go to Hickory, North Carolina, it feels like you are in Cincinnati.
On IPOD right now- “I’d Rather Be with You”- Bootsy’s Rubber Band
Vicki, yes I LMAO @ the Curb episode last night. Too. Damned. Funny!
Jeff…… for gawds sake man.. You REALLY don’t know the attachment between Cincy & Scranton ?? Where have you been schooled ?? Gheeezzzzzz
AngryWhiteGuy – Your a closet funkaholic!!!
“I’m 18″
Alice Cooper
Saw P-Funk twice, Bootsy twice and George Clinton four times. Some of the best shows ever.
On IPOD right now- “”Behind My Camel”- The Police
Steve Martin, do have to say any more?
Used to work with a woman named Fran who sounded just like a
man. People talking to her on the phone called her ” sir” all the time. She was the switchboard operator and also made authoritative announcements over the PA that the store was closing. People got the hell out too on the nights she was working.
“Hey, you go to Cincinnati, and it feels like you’re in Scranton!”
He is probably talking about chili served on spaghetti, but Scranton-style spaghetti (the thin variety, sorta like angel hair).
Maybe he was talking about WKRP in Cincinnati, with the large-breasted Loni anderson acting as the company secretary.
Now I’ve got it:
He was talking about Loni Anderson’s breasts, but served on angel hair pasta
I can’t think of anyone who’s voice sounds like a cartoon. But, there’s a guy at work who, when he sings, sounds dead on like Ian Astbury from The Cult. And, until we met, he hadn’t heard of the cult.
Speaking of work, having been in radio for the last dozen years, it never ceases to amaze me how differently people look from what you picture when you hear them on the air. Almost universally true: the hotter they sounds, the larger & uglier they are. I’ve found only one exception in 12 years.
I work with a guy who sounds a little like Elmer Fudd. And I knew a Train Conductor who was a spot on mathc for Foghorn Leghorn.
Jeez, come to think of it, an old (now deceased) neighbor sounded and even ACTED like Mr. McFeeley frm Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Jason, should we get these people together for a reunion?
There’s a girl that works on my floor that has a squeaky, mousy cartoon voice. Luckily, I only hear her every once awhil when she’s in the lunchroom… I don’t know how her co-workers can stand it.
There’s a woman who works for a local Italian restaurant that sounds like she’s inhaled too much helium in her lifetime. Drives me up the friggin’ wall.
Remember that gymnast that landed on one foot in Atlanta & was later man-handled by Bela Lugosi, or whoever the coach was? Remember how her voice was so VERY irritating? Yeah, that’s the waitress at said restaurant.
I could be sitting in a completely different section and still feel my spine curl once she says ‘Can I take your order?’.
Now Playing on iPhone: (Audiobook) ‘Henderson the Rain King’ by Saul Bellow
Full Disclosure: I’m from Northern Kentucky, which is basically a suburb of Cincinnati. #1 – We don’t have whatever this restaurant is that you’re talking about, so I think those people are wrong. #2 – William Howard Taft isn’t exactly known for its academic excellence program (or its sports programs for that matter). #3 – We do like our chili with spaghetti. #4 – I don’t know where Scranton is. #5 – I know we’re farther north than Scranton, but it isn’t like we live in Canada – meaning, we probably get less snow and ice than you do. #6 – I have no clue whatsoever what Fat Albert was talking about. #7 – It doesn’t sound like anyone else has a clue either!
What the hell is “Five Guys”? I don’t get out much.
The idea of the Corny-voiced guy saying “buttfucking” is the funniest damn thing I’ve heard in awhile.
At my favorite Mexican restaurant, there’s a server about 4’10″ tall with a voice that sounds like she’s been huffing helium. I nearly blew salsa out my nose the first time she came to the table to take our order. Since then, I just count it as dinner and a show.
One of the DJs/News guys at a local radio station (Q98 FM) sounds exactly like DROOPY DOG.
There’s nothing quite like hearing about murder, assault and random violence from THAT voice.
Senor Kaboom, Five Guys is an overpriced, slow service too many teens working hamburger place. Sort of like going into a Wendy’s but slower, noisier and twice the price for a thin greasy burger.
At least that was my one experience there. Won’t be going back for more.
Our local radio station has a sports announcer who cannot pronounce his R’s.
So, his introduction should be “I’m Paul Roberts reporting the results of the Reading Royals game” and it comes out “I’m Paul Wobewts weporting the wesults of the Wedding Woyals game.”
Can’t stand to listen to him.
I work with a lady who annoys the piss out of me. Not for the sound of her voice but for the way she speaks. If you ask her a simple question such as “How are you?” she just can’t say “I’m good, thanks. You?”. Instead she says “I’m super duper happy fantastic great. Never been happier. Great to be here. How are you dear beautiful awesome friend of mine??????” Except you have to run it all together really fast. I want to kill her and bury her in a super great awesomely deep hole.
I know a guy who puts William Howard Taft – and the Fightin’ Fatsos – to shame in the love handle department. You’d expect at least a booming echo coming out him when he talks, but he sounds just exactly like air being let out of a balloon at a high pitch. Most people can’t help but bust out laughing when he talks, though it doesn’t seem to phase him in the least.
I know several people that BRAY instead of laugh, then inhale great gulps of air to feed the next blast of noise. I tend not to stick around when they start.
@jeffindenver- radio is where people who sound sexier than they look, work. If they looked good too, they’d be famous.
I guess Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh are famous, but really, isn’t that the exception proving the rule?
I mean, they’re both not very good looking, although they don’t speak ill of us.
Fuck ‘em, and I’m excluding Wolfman Jack from my radio slag…
I had a professor whose voice sounded like Mickey Mouse on helium. Not just that it was high pitched, but it actually had that Mickey Mouse tonal quality to it. When she talked at a normal volume it almost sounded normal, if a bit high, but the louder she got the higher it got and it just shocked the hell out of people. I ended up liking her so much that I took another class with her, and got to enjoy watching everyone else’s face on the first day of class when she walked in and started speaking. I love watching 30 people try to suppress their shock and amusement.
On the Scranton/Cincinnati thing, I wonder if it’s some obscure reference to “The Office” or, perhaps, the guy found his way out of the window-bar ranch and decided to make his unmedicated moment of freedom include some Five Guys?
I used to teach public speaking. It would be a blog within a blog to really do it justice but I’ve had:
-the speech lisperer
-many Minnie Mice
-a guy who sounded like Minnie Mouse
-the goth chicks who try to have Tallulah Bankhead’s voice
-the speed readers who stop for a whooping breath
-a grown man who sounded like Mike Tyson
-a girl who sounded like Joey’s agent Estelle on “Friends”
-a number of stutters
-an uncle who had Tourrette’s
-and more nasal talkers than I could stand to bear anymore, which we refer to as a speech with a vat of whine.
Oh, I forgot the people who sound like they’re on the verge of crying every time they speak. I hate them.
Geez, and here I am again already because: I forgot my Aunt Crusty. She sounds like she’s so mad she’s going to tear ass every time she speaks. Every word sounds angry. It’s so bad that when my niece was little she walked up to Aunt Crusty’s cockatiel and started saying, “Pretty bird, pretty bird,” and it started hissing at her like she was a fearsome freak. My sister said, “Baby, it’s not you. Watch this.” Then, my sister leaned toward the bird and in her angriest voice growled, “Purdy Bird” and the cockatiel sat up and started chirping.
She once visited my parents in Florida and she thanked the neighbor who had been cutting their grass no charge. The neighbor talked to us the next day to ask why Crusty was mad at him and if he’d pissed somebody off by the way he cut the grass. We had to explain it was a sincere thank you and every word she says sounds like she’s gonna rip a person’s face off any second.
Senior Kaboom…5 Guys is the East Coast equivelant to FatBurber out on the West Coast. Not bad, but they really, really need to use some frickin’ salt on the beef patties, imho. Order the smaller patty burger, as opposed to the hungous one, and it’s a pretty decent sandwich.
And Jeff, if you consider that Cincy is home to Proctor and Gamble and their so called “satanic” corporate logo, maybe the guy was refering to Scranton as someplace that Satan would go on vacation. …that’s it, Scranton is Hell’s Riviera!
…jeez, my spelling really sucks at 2:30 AM. Correction…it’s FatBurger. Humongous…instead of the former mispelling.
@jeff_in_niagara_no_more: I look at a lot sexier in real life than I sound on my radio show. Which really isn’t saying a lot about either my looks, OR my radio ability, lol!
Ah, thanks, it makes more sense now : )
Try listening to the Diane Rehm program on NPR…
The host sounds as though she is having a stroke.
I’m told that it’s her “normal” voice.
There’s a lady at work whose voice sounds like that of a child. It’s eerie.
jim: Diane Rehm is 73 years old. Older people tend to sound a little different than middle-aged or young folks. Speaking requires a number of muscles, and those tend to weaken as we get older.
I think she sounds 73 rather than child-like, but that’s just a personal opinion. I also think she has a very informative show.
jtb
jim: A quick addendum…Besides having an older voice, Diane suffers from spasmodic dysphonia. She has been treated for this disorder for several years, but it still affects quality of her voice. Just FYI.
jtb
So does Diane Rehm look as sexy as she sounds on the radio?
@ Kelli: 1) Five Guys 210 Calhoun St Cincinnati, OH 45219 5) Scranton is 41 degrees N, Cincinnati is 38 degrees N.
It just came out wrong. He meant to say “you go to Scranton and it feels like you’re in Cincinnati”. You know, because the situation at your Five Guys was like situation at the ’79 Who concert in Cincinnati where the people got trampled.
@jimbritton OMG! I can’t believe somebody besides myself wonders how this woman is still hosting a show! It takes her 10 minutes to shake out one question (and seriously, folks, she’s shaking it out. Sounds like Katherine Hepburn on a caffeine binge) and her guests all fly past her before she’s able to gather enough strength for the next one.
@john Her show may be “informative” (I don’t find it as such because it’s torture to listen to her) but it’s time to pass the torch to someone else. She’s in radio broadcasting! I don’t want her in pain, or suffering and I’m sure she was one hell of a journalist/broadcaster in her day, but when she is incoherant it’s time to let go of the position.
Now Playing on iPhone: (Same Audiobook) ‘Henderson the Rain King’ by Saul Bellow
hypo, if Kelli doesn’t know scranton is north of Northern Kentucky, do you think she will understand what you wrote?
How can you get to adulthood not knowing Scranton is in Pennsylvania? mind-numbing……
But the funniest part is…….”I don’t know where Scranton is, but we’re north of it.”……ROFL
Count me in on the “Hang it up, Diane Rehm” society. There have been times when her guest was someone I wanted to hear but I hadda turn the show off after 10 minutes. She’s the audio opposite of “easy on the eyes”.
Diane has gotten better lately, but still slightly annoying. There’s a guy on WV public radio that’s full-blown. I was going to write something humorous, but my hemorhoides are buggin me, so not right now.
I swear the chick that works the drive thru mic at the local McD’s sounds like she’s sucking on helium before taking orders. If it weren’t for my deep and abiding love of the big mac, I’d get me a whopper just to avoid hearing her.