Blue Skin, Mountain Dew with Sugar, and a Few Other Things
This is my Friday, and even though I took a vacation day on Sunday, it’s been a long week. There are new processes at work, a major retooling of one of my department’s main functions, and it’s been an adventure. I don’t know how to fix problems anymore… Where I was once a semi-expert, I am now walking around with a cartoon question mark over my head.
But if I can make it through one more day, without anything horrible happening, I’ll be home free.
Unfortunately, my home life is equally out of control. Toney’s working a lot, and we’ve both been running wide-open for a couple of weeks. The lawn needs mowed, the house looks like Silvio and Christopher were here looking for the “union dues,” and my hair is now an impenetrable Peter Brady helmet.
So, that can only mean one thing: I need to make a few lists. That’s how I fool myself into believing I’ve got a handle on things, I make lists. As long as it’s all written out, in an organized manner, I’m able to hold off the panic attacks.
Is that unusual? It sorta reminds me of the woman at my old job who posted a shitload of signs all around her desk, to keep a handle on her world. “If I’m holding a phone to my ear, that is not a signal for you to start talking to me…” etc. Heh.
How do you deal with chaos? Do you have any special methods?
In addition to long-overdue lawn and hair maintenance, I’m going to pick up the new Surf Report shirts tomorrow. They’re ready to go, and look great, I’m told.
Also, the PayPal links should be working now. I found out they’d somehow shit the bed yesterday, as I was leaving for work. And do you know how insane that made me last night? Knowing the links were screwed-up, but not being able to do anything about it for twelve hours? Man, that kind of thing will someday send me to the wacky shack, straight-up.
Anyway, all should be right with the world again. Here’s your fully-functioning order page.
Oh, and the whole fambly is going to Knoebels on Friday, along with a couple extra kids thrown in for added “enjoyment.”
But at least I still have beer. Beer, and my lists.
A woman at work told me a great story a few days ago. She said her sixteen year old daughter’s skin started turning blue. Her arms, legs, and face just suddenly went Smurf on her, for reasons unknown.
They took her to the doctor, who couldn’t figure it out. It wasn’t something on the skin, like ink or anything like that. He tried to wipe it off with alcohol-soaked cotton balls, and it seemed like she was simply changing color. The doc was baffled.
She was referred to a specialist, who diagnosed her with some obscure-ass disease that only ten people a year contract, or somesuch. This was one for the medical journals, something few had ever seen. This blue girl was a full-blown medical aberration!
But, of course, there was a simpler explanation. The “expert” didn’t figure it out, the girl’s mother did. And tomorrow I’ll tell you why her skin was turning blue. In the meantime, I’d like to get your theories.
Use the comments link below.
Buck gave me an assignment last week. He asked me to try the new Mountain Dew Throwback, which is supposedly sweetened with real sugar, instead of corn syrup(?!). I think they’re trying to cash in on the Mexican Coke craze and, of course, I needed to check it out. I’m a big fan of the novelty Dews.
And I hate to disappoint, but I can’t really tell a difference. It tasted the same to me. When it started getting a little warm, near the end of the bottle, it was mildly different, but nothing drastic.
What do you think? Have you tried the new Mountain Dew Blowback, or whatever it’s called? What are your thoughts on it?
We have Pepsi Throwback in our vending machines at work, and people act like it’s the greatest thing ever. But I think they’re being manipulated, and don’t really know what they’re talking about. Ya know? Of course, I’ll never know, since I don’t drink Pepsi. I’m a fully dedicated Coke man, thank you very much. To drink a Pepsi would be sacrilege.
This month at eMusic I’ve downloaded new albums by three old favorites: Rhett Miller, Marshall Crenshaw, and Peter Holsapple/Chris Stamey. Oh yeah. That shit’s like comfort food, right there.
Starting in July there are going to be some major changes at eMusic. They’ve always been an independent label hipster oasis, but in a few days they’re going to start offering the — get this — the Sony catalog.
So, in addition to Neutral Milk Hotel we’ll presumably be able to download albums by… Journey. Will somebody please hold me?
Actually, I don’t really care. In fact, I like the idea of having more to choose from; I’m not as big a music snob as some might believe. I just hope the site doesn’t turn into iTunes, with flashing Jonas Brothers promotions on the home page… I don’t think I could handle such a thing.
But that’s not the only Big Change. My monthly credits are also being dropped from 50 to 37 (for $14.99). Which irritated me at first. However… they’re only going to charge 12 credits for a full album — even if the album has twenty songs on it. And since I only download full albums, it’ll probably be a wash for me.
Yeah, it’ll be interesting to see how it all shakes out. I love eMusic, it’s one of my favorite things. Big changes, and “improvements” make me nervous, but I’m keeping an open mind. Stay tuned.
And that’s all I have time for today, friends. I’ll be back tomorrow, and will try to zero-out the Big Notebook of Fun.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker.
Filed under: Daily
yes
Maybe her skin was turning blue from consuming colloidal silver, or maybe it had to do with her bed sheets. Or maybe the mother and doctor were both wearing blue tinted sunglasses.
Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LowTUTGOtE0
I did a number 3…
Damn u swami
I make occasional trips to the Mexican grocery store down the road from me and I can taste the difference between a Coke bottle in Mexico and one bottled in the U.S. The Mexican Coke, with real sugar, is less sweeter than the U.S. Cokes. Just like the good old days, when I was a wee lad.
As for your coworker’s daughter: I’m guessing exposure to silver dust or some kind of silver particle, or improper oxygen flow.
I’m okay with the changes at eMusic, too. I just wish they’d remind you when your credits are about to expire; I lost 20 or sumthin’ last go-around.
Blue? Hmm . . . my guess is your co-worker’s daughter’s name is Violet Beauregarde.
Top Ten???
Blue skin has something to do with ingesting collidial silver solutions. About 10 other things cause blue skin too! Usually the biggest cause is skinny dipping in Lake Erie.
Top 10. Happy hump day!
Self dermatological treatments with colloidal silver. Turned some other guy blue a couple years ago. Is that it? Do I win anything?
I deal with chaos by doing a lot of maniacal screaming. It doesn’t have to be directed at anyone. Sometimes, I just go to the local graveyard and do it all alone. As an alternative, I have a punching bag.
Did you know- Mountain Dew was introduced to the public in 1964?
On IPOD right now- “Revival”- Allman Brothers
She ate the 3 course dinner gum at the chocolate factory!
Pepsi has a product out called Throwback that is made from sugar not high fructose corn sryup. The issue is they think HFCS may be linked to what is causing a sharp increase in youth onset diabetes. It definitely fucks with the Type II folks.
On the iPOD now – “Jack Miraculous” – Gino Vannelli
Goddamit! How did you guys answer before me. There were NO comments when I began typing.
Maybe she’s just been holding her breath.
@ AWG – Yeah the nut thought that they were going to run out of antibiotics so he started ingesting colloidial silver.
On the iPOD now – “Sketches in the Dark” – Incognito
The girl had been rubbing herself with Pepsi Throwback cans and the blue wore off?
My votes for sweating on blue sheets. I dunno. It’s dangerous to leave us hanging like this, Jeff. What if LIFE gets in the way and bumps us all down to last place on that list of yours?! What then?!
Or maybe she was chewing the blueberry gum down at Willy Wonka’s.
@ Jeff – part of understanding Change Management is dealing with how problem are fixed. At least they aren’t trying to shove you a good dose of ITIL with a side of Change Management. Your will definitely be a tiny Duke head then.
He told her not to chew the gum…it was still in the testing stages…but she did it anyway, little brat.
Oh yeah, almost forgot-
Did you know- Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon?
On IPOD right now- “Fire Coming out of the Monkey’s Head”- Gorillaz
How do I deal with chaos?
Alcohol.
Happy Thursday, Surfers!
@ Jeff – but do you have beer on your list? You know that once you start drinking, your gonna run out and you will need to go to the store and get some more.
On the iPOD now – “Never, Never Gonna Give You Up” – Lisa Stansfield
Now, if we could get it in bottles, and take them back to the store – it could be 1976 all over again!
You see, I’m not the thief. I’m not the one charging 85 cents for a sticking soda! You’re the thief!
I’m just standing up for my rights as a consumer.
I’m rolling back prices to 1965. What do you think of that?
I last had Mexican Coke about twenty years ago. DIdn’t sleep for two days and felt like spiders were crawling all over me.
I’m a Mtn. Dew fanatic. I haven’t seen that for sale here anywhere.
Did you know- Coca-Cola would be green if coloring weren’t added to it?
On IPOD right now- “Would”- Alice in Chains
@ Knucklehead – I just shot em with my glock, then chaos dies and problem is solved.
On the iPOD now – “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You” – David Benoit
I’m very anti-list. I have no idea how I deal with chaos. Shit just gets done. I think my other personalities help out.
I’ve never drank Mountain Dew, in any form.
Top reasons why the teenage girl is turning blue:
1) She is becoming a Mayan
2) She is overdosing on heroin
3) She has chewed Willy Wonka three-course-dinner gum
4) She is a Blue Man Groupie, and is trying to get some blue-man nookie
5) Wild cherry seed poisoning
The cause is definitely related to one of the above-listed items. I should be one of those medical mystery doctors like that House fella
@ AngryWhiteGuy – That mexican crack will do that every time…
On the iPOD now – “Parisienne Girl” – Incognito
She never should have chewed the gum at the Wonka factory.
How do you deal with chaos? Do you have any special methods?
I have a good friend named Seagram’s who visits me and cheers me up. Jeff, you might know his cousin, Beer?
That third course isn’t quite right.
Colloidal silver was my first guess, but I’ll go for too many Slurpees.
Maybe berry body wash gone wrong?
Shiny Rod- I did not think I would ever acquaint with anyone who listens to Incognito. They’ve been around about 30 years and still put out music. Impressive tastes there!
Jocelyn Brown did a lot of vocals for Cerrone in the early eighties. Always thought her voice was killer.
Did you know- The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night?
On IPOD right now- “Horse with no Name”- America- it’s about heroin.
What to do when things get chaotic? I bark like a mad dog. Gets people’s attention and makes them stop what they’re doing, but it isn’t recommended if you want to fight a 5150.
I’ve got 3 guesses on the Blue Girl…1 – she’s eaten something blue and a lot of it, 2 – could be new laundry detergent that’s blue and she just has super sensitive skin, 3 – she using a blue body wash and presumable washing a bit too much or too hard…
I have to agree with you Jeff…I’m an original Coke person myself..no others will do.
Chaos is normal for me. I have no idea what my life would be like if it were calm and weirdo free.
As for the blue girl, one of my cousins ( Ruby Beerickson, the one who passed out and was stripped naked in the hotel lobby with “Enter Here” written on his ass in lipstick) dated a girl who had Lupus. She turned blue when they were dating. Apparently it was a side effect from her medication.
Well since it’s a girl it’s probably not blue balls.
Chaos in my house happens hourly it seems. My wife uses chemicals provided by a local Physician and pharmacy.
Seems to work for her. I just go with panic attacks, it’s cheaper.
I make lists too, Jeff. A friend of mine once called them “procrastination tumbleweeds”, and rightly so, in my case.
I saw a blue girl once. She had been plooked by 20 Smurfs…man that Smurfette was pissed!
Feels like somebody just plooked me in the ass and didn’t even bother to use Kentucky Jelly. Jezzum Crow.
I guess that she turned blue because she was using silver ions for horticulture purposes. Namely, cultivating cannabis (but her mom probably left out that part of the story.)
Either that or, they use some type of silver based additive to disinfect their water.
NP: Price to Play – Staind
JEESUM CROW!
WHOOOT!
I feel so loved every time I hear that…..
She blue Papa Smurf and he Peter North’d her.
I brought this up in the final post from yesterday, only to refresh and find that a new post was here today, but did anyone read the Mockable reaming that Metten gave to one of the regulars from this site. Pretty strong!
Did you know- A square sheet of white paper cannot be folded more than seven times?
On IPOD right now- “Into The Ocean”- Blue OCtober
AWG- Yes that was some pretty good stuff.
News from North of the Border:
Here in Ontario, liquor is only available for retail sale at stores known as the LCBO (liquor control board of Ontario) Well, the LCBO workers were scheduled to go on strike as of midnight last night so you can well imagine what happenned yesterday…LCBO stores across the province were mobbed with shoppers and the shevles left bare as thirsty Canadians stockpiled liquor…remember that Canada Day is fast approaching. It turns out that the workers agreed at the last minute to stay on the job while contract negotiations continue. That was a close one! Luckily, I live within 10 minutes of Quebec, so I could just cross over the border for supplies if I had to. I’ll keep you posted on this important story.
My Theories:
- The girl had a Foursome with the Blueman group.
- Kate of Jon and Kate told her to turn Blue
- Or she held her breathe while texting
You are loved.
Word on the street is that they just nabbed an oral surgeon here in Huntsville, Alabamie for poking people in the ass after he’d given them the knockout gas. Mostly dudes, but a few chics too. Gotta love a multitasker.
Love the Throwbacks! Although, I nearly grew out of my pants drinking them for a whole month.
The kicker is the aftertaste for me… Much sweeter and fulfilling.
She got all worked up on social issues and is starting work on her book… “Blue Like Me”.
Other than the fact she might be a smurf (which you already have covered!) here are some possible reasons why she is turning Blue: She spends way too much time listening to 6 feet under on her i-pod! She spent the Winter in Minneapolis! Her real name is: Violet Beauregarde! or (drum roll please!) Elvis used to wear her on his feet! Tah Dah!
jizzum crow!
Oh, wait….that’s different.
Colloidal silver?
Jeff, T-shirt order thingy worked perfect this morning. Thank goodness I was about to say fukkit, I’m a busy man.
I don’t worry about lists and stuff….I’M FUCKING MARRIED…OK!!!! ……I’ve got somebody to tell me what… the… fuck… to… do… every…fucking… day!!
And fuck soda pop too!!…… Beer damnit!
I’m sorry, is this the West Virginia Smurf Report?
I used to keep a list of tasks to do at work. After a while I realized that I could never clear off some things, so I would get depressed. Then I realized that if I waited until I was asked at least three times for something, that in itself would clear out all of the unneeded crap. No more lists.
Oh, tried the retro Dew and hate it.
@angrywhiteguy read mettens post on mockable ouch! was that really deserved?
Jeebus Crow! heh!
Good one, Peter!!!!! hahaha
Classic Coke for me…always. I agree with the silver colloidal water. One time my daughter was stained blue when she dyed her hair with punky color and rinsed it off in the shower where it stained the bathtub, her face and whatever else it ran onto.
N.P :The Decemberists “The Rake song”
FYI – This story was NOT inspired by the few “blue sheets” comments above, It REALLY happened!
—————————-
Blue, huh? I’ve seen it before and, no, not from some holistic remedy, but by my own hand.
In the 90′s while at Texas A&M, there were a few residence halls which had electrical wiring that did not allow for them to be air conditioned. These non-air dorms came in at the low-low price of, i think, $390 per semester (phone and electricity included). Being poor, I naturally opted for this bargain – not knowing anything about East Texas heat/humidity during the month of July.
It was after a few nights of sweating through my sheets down to the plastic mattress, I hit upon 2 ideas. First was to go to Wal-Mart and buy two fans and the second was an evil prank.
Now, I still can’t be sure that I thought of it myself or subconciously remembered it from someone else, but I added another thing to my list on the Wal-Mart trip. Unsweetened Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid. Anyone who remembers actually making kool-aid from scratch, Knows that a little bit of powder with a LITTLE bit of water will stain skin for days. And there was a insufferable douchebag next door to me that I wanted to set right.
This guy, on our first weekend as freshman, walked into a dorm party where other freshmen were getting a “snoot-full” via a beer bong. This asswipe, don’t ask me how he pulled it off, managed to sneak some piss into the bong before some girl got a hold of the hose. The already drunk girl then shotgunned 3 beers plus a good amount of this guy’s piss. She ended up getting really sick.
We couldn’t quite pin the crime on him, because no one saw him do it – not because he didn’t want us to, just no one noticed. He’s the kind of guy that would brag about something as heinous and recklessly inappropriate as this, thinking that we would think it funny. After she quickly barfed, he wisely kept his mouth shut.
Oh, but I just KNEW it was him. He went across the hall to use MY bathroom and mysteriously, a cup I kept in there appeared in THIS dorm room and was sitting under his chair. It wasn’t until later, when I smelled the cup [rech] that I put all the pieces together.
Cut to next weekend. My roomate and I kept him up for hours in our room getting him nice an plastered. Sometime during this little party, I slipped into his room and sprinkled a few packages of the Cretaceous-era drink mix between his sheets and mattress. Then later, after he passed out, i snuck back in and turned of all the fans and closed the windows.
Next morning came the scream, only to find him in the hall, in his underwear, screaming bloody murder and swinging a hammer around. My jaw hit the floor and the bottom almost dropped out of my colon at what I had done.
You know how some people have those very large purplish-re-blue birthmarks? This guy’s skin and underwear had huge birthmark blotches all over. It didn’t look at all “unnatural,” (man-made) he just looked like some unfortunate person that had birthmark over about 60% of his body. And they were DARK!
Over the next 3 days (or maybe more), I became more and more appreciative of my handiwork every time I saw this guy in the hallways. We (me + roomate) told no one about it, except the young lady whom I’d made it my duty to avenge.
Yes, I got my first college piece of ass for that one.
Lists definitely make me feel better under chaotic conditions.
My theory on the girl turning blue: How the fuck should I know? Just tell us!!!! The whole cliffhanger thing really gets my dander up. Jeezum Crow….
“So, that can only mean one thing: I need to make a few lists. That’s how I fool myself into believing I’ve got a handle on things, I make lists. As long as it’s all written out, in an organized manner, I’m able to hold off the panic attacks.”
HA! That’s me, verbatim! I read that to my husband and he thought it was something I was writing about myself, too funny! So, yes lists are the way that, I too, pretend to have a handle on my psychotic, oh I mean chaotic life.
Have I started a Jeezum Crow cult here at the surf report?
I sure hope so! I’ve been pointing to Jeff’s site and telling people, “I’m not a weirdo! See? Other people say it too! highly intelligent people!”
Jeezum crow I love you guys!
Blue skin can be caused by a number of things such as a circulatory problem, drug interactions, exposure to agricultural chemicals or colloidal silver. Most folks above have gone with colloidal silver but it takes a prolonged exposure at high doses to get to characteristic blue skin as seen in Swami’s youtube link.
Just in case anyone is interested in trying colloidal silver, besides the lovely blue skin, cancer is a well documented side effect. Generally speaking metallic ions are necessary co-factors in enzymatic function, however a normal diet supplies all you need (with room to spare). There is no evidence it provides any health benefit and if you are supplementing your metal intake with enough silver ions to permanently turn your skin blue you’re going a tad overboard.
garrett — now I’m reminded of putting Kool-Aid in a dorm shower head just so my roommate and I could make a wager on who would end up the victim. I had a hunch it would probably be the same bitch who left her long nasty hair in the drain for the next girl, and I was right. Her stains were mild but obvious enough. Sounds like your guy got off easy though. The non-consensual sharing of bodily fluids is reprehensible.
@pagan Are you kidding me? Go read the last two weeks worth of comments. Anyway, the hachet’s buried on my end and I don’t think Bennigan’s Nazi sustained any permanent damage. I made fun of Bennigian’s more than anything…
@ garrett: great story! As we all know, Karma’s a bitch!
@ mettten: I couldn’t quite make out the screen grab, but I got the jist of it. And when someone puts it out there on a site that’s actually called “Mockable”,….. well, they just deserve it!
Maybe she’s “feeling” blue.
You said her mother figured it out,
and she probably knows her daughter
better than anyone.
Don’t Google blue skin,
it’ll make ya crazy.
In the 20′s people used to get “hooked”
on Coca-cola due to it’s “special ingredient”
so I was told.
How do I deal with chaos? I take a nap.
Pepsi tastes like cheap perfume smells. Coke for me, every time.
She ate too many blueberries?
@metten just finished my homework assignment and I have to agree with your decision to strike back! I am a great beleiver in a little leeway for the sake of humour but that was out and out creepy!
Piss and some pretty girl, that just doesn’t mix. Who in the fuck – I mean, he got “paid back” but the truth is that he should have had his throat cut. God. Makes no sense. If you want to fuck with some dude (poke needle holes in his rubbers, etc) that’s fine. But leave the girls alone. Good Lord. I’m upset.
Is she related to this guy?
I often make lists. Sometimes I include things I’ve already done so I can cross ‘em off.
could be hereditary
google the blue fugates of kentucky
Good Evening Surf Reporters….
After reading this latest update, I’ve a hankering for a Swanson’s Hungry Man meal.
Meatloaf and Gravy w/ potatoes was always a favorite.
Maybe the girl is one of the Fugates, or the “Blue people of Kentucky”, but I think that shows up at birth, not later. Still, it’s a cool story to read.
Blue skin is probably from not washing blue clothes before wearing them.
Jeezum Crow, JCIII
PLEASE eat a vegetable!
Interesting story about the Blue Fugates. And to think that I thought methylene blue was only good for fish tanks and practical jokes.
It’s one million degrees (Or whatever the temp is on the sun) in Wisconsin right now and I just read the mockable which I don’t read regularly. I refuse to have an opinion for fear I may end up next so…Could we mock people who say “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”?
I’m safe on this site right?
@ JRP IN SC- Can I get that Physician’s name?
@Knucklehead – potatoes with gravy IS a vegetable
I also assume colloidal silver. I saw an article a while back about some woowoo belief that the stuff is some kind of cure all. The dude looked like a real life Papa Smurf. Ah yes, here it is http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,317564,00.html
the snozberries taste like snozberries!!
and @Ognir – great reference to Falling Down!
tadpolegal,
I’m sending in my $50 just to see you up to your ass in alligators. (not really. I’m with you, sugartits. I don’t feel safe. This is crazy.) Mocking people and being mocked, well, that’s a fine line baby.
I am going to say she was wearing hipster clothing, and the company did not prewash their garments, and as she sweat the dyes rubbed off on her skin.
This doesn’t have anything to do with this discussion, but it’s still hilarious (well, at least to all the sci-fi geeks out there; maybe you normals will just roll your eyes):
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat/5558770/Star-Wars-figures-and-chipmunks-by-Chris-McVeigh.html
@ Gretchen – Chris McVeigh has way too much time on his hands at 37.
@ Jason – you do know what a sugar tit is don’t you?
@Shiny Rod: Prolly does. Half those action figures have probably been sexed with too. But, it’s still funny. ;o)
@jason
Well, like I said. I didn’t really have any evidence and no one was sure it was piss that caused her to barf, but I knew….
Anyway, I figured it would be better to let him take himself down through his own duchbagginess and my gentle reminders of it to all the people that lived on that floor. The only other person I’ve ever known like him was a fictional character in “Super Troopers,” Officer Farva.
Eventually, everyone was in on it. He’d be in the middle of class and open his textbook to find a mountain of pubes stuck in there. Spring Break, I stayed back (had a job) all week and nurtured the garden I made in his carpet with bird seed and regular watering. Liberal inkings with a shapie behind his ears – where he wouldn’t notice, but everyone else would. Bleach in his liquid detergent…etc.
He got what he deserved.
@ kenju – No, that only makes your poop blue. Believe me, I have eaten plenty of blueberries and thats the only thing that happens.
@ Garrett….Great come-uppins’ story! Wotta puke!
@Jason and the oral surgeon butt poker thing….. Those poor innocent souls leaving his office wondering just how long the root to that tooth really was.
I don’t deal with chaos like I use to. I hate getting old.
Garrett…. CHEESE-N-RICE!! I hope none of us piss you off! Great imagination though….!
@ garrett – I bow to your genious and tenacity. Of course blue food die in a shower head does the trick too…
Thank you, everyone, but that particular mean streak has worn away from me. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ll still occasionally tie a rubber band around the hose sprayer on the kitchen sink, just to “cheer up” my wife in the morning but that’s about it.
P.S. A much better shower head prank – Bust up Jolly Ranchers in just small enough pieces to fill a shower head. The target feels nice and clean just out of the shower, but an hour later they feel all sticky. This lasts as long as the candy in the head. Depending on the length/temp of the showers, 1 – 4 days.
http://halfdillo.blogspot.com/2009/06/cool.html
garrett…. Wicked, evil, nasty…. funny as hell dude
JEESUM CROW!
Why was she blue?
I CAN’T take it!
@garrett…you’re my hero.
I sampled the Pepsi Throwback and it’s quite tasty. I think I could do with missing that high fructose corn sryup stuff.
@Jeff – your Coke has been secretly replace with Pepsi Throwback. Personally, I will drink it if it’s cold. They kinda taste the same to me. The only one to me that has a unique taste is RC cola. Just my opinion though.
On the iPOD now – “Love what you do to me” – Incognito
To do today:
1) brush hair
2) make a list
3) drink a beverage
4) contemplate blue coloration
5) repeat
Well, Ryan O’Neal certainly got out of that promise, didn’t he? RIP Farrah.
Yeah but he has the son to deal with now.
On the iPOD now – “Send One Your Love” – Stevie Wonder
Farrah was my first fantasy girl, but I have settled for Brynhildr. “wink, wink”
On the iPOD now – “Kei’s Song” – David Benoit
Farrah was my first fantasy girl, too.
…at least until I discovered Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett.
Farrah was mine too, but just long enough for Lynda Carter to make her wonder womanful appearance on this planet. H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T !!
On the iPOD now – “Get The Fuck Out” – Skid Row
Asshole Cancer is a bitch.
The suspense is killing me — WHY IS SHE BLUE????
btw Shiny Rod, it’s bad form to tell a girl you’ve “settled” for her.
@Brynhildr:
“…at least until I discovered Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett”
Whooooo boy! Time has not been kind to those two….
@Swami – You mean you can get cancer of the Donald Trump? Who knew?
Bill in WV — Cancer of the Donald Trump (CDT) is more commonly known as penile cancer. I can understand how you confused the two, however.
in the words of Steve Martin…
Ah yes, Farrah. The nights I remember holding up her poster with one hand….
and in other news….
I’ve been surfing the Surf Report for several (6?) years and today’s the first time I listened to “Where’s My Damn Box Scores?”
Out at the lake in Central Park, police arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.
@Brynhildr…It’s also bad form to…
Girl at bar: How old are you?
Me: 34
Me: How old are you?
Girl at bar: 36
Me: Is that all?
I got tore up pretty bad by “Girl at bar” for that one.
That incident happened a LONG time ago, for the record.
More bad form:
Me: So, when is your baby due?
Girl: I’m not pregnant.
Me: Oops, and anticipating a kick to the crotch.
@ Bill in WV & Brynhildr:
More bad form:
Wife: “Do I look fat in this?”
Me: “No fatter than usual”"
Jesus Christ on a cracker, why is she blue?
@Bill in PA
That happened to me too in a way
Girl at bar: How old do you think I am?
Me: I dunno, 45?
Girl at bar: 45!?! 45!?! You asshole, I’m only 32!
Me: Then why did you ask me?
Yeah, she was pretty pissed off about that.
more bad form
“Do these pants make my butt look fat?”
“No. You’re huge ass makes your butt look fat.”
True story:
Walking through Macy’s women’s dept, woman stops me and asks which dress would look better on her.
Me: I dunno, lay them both on the floor and I can tell better.
oh Jeezum Crow, I should know better.
“your” not “you’re”
more bad form
“Do these pants make my butt look fat?”
“I don’t know – let me jog around to the back and check.”
Colloidal silver? Drinking gallons of Smurf spluge?
I always thought that if Lynda Carter tied me up with her wonder woman truth rope I’d say things like, “I want to see your tits. I wonder if you shave down there. I wonder if you like it in the ass.” Thank God she never tied me up. That would have been humiliating.
Did Jeff say yesterday was his Friday? Are we to assume there won’t be another update until Monday? Meats and cheeses, that’s a long time from now.
Also, laser beams.
He better not leave us hang all weekend with the big blue question hanging, said he’d be back today.
Thanks, guys, for all the bad form comments. I’m laughing so hard, I sound like Muttley.
@ Brynhildr – Hey, were talk Farrah Fawcett poster, vintage 70′s. She was a hottie back then. Any woman that can compare to that is a goddess in my book.
@ Tyrosine – Or the law…
Maybe the blue blooded bitch took a dip in the blue bayou on a blue Christmas then blue chunks.
P.S.
Chunks is her dog.
JEESUM CROW! I see what I started now. You guys are awful, just awful. Thats about as bad as this one:
Govenor Sanford – Honey, I’m going out to get some Argentina tail…
Wife – What did you say?
Govenor Sanford – I said I’m going hiking on the Appalachian Trail.
On the iPOD now – “You” – Pat Metheny
@ Shiny Rod: Brilliant! I never thought of that one!
@ Jason – By the time Linda Carter came along I was over puberty and lust.
On the iPOD now – “We Came To Play” – Tower of Power
more bad form
“Do these pants make my butt look fat?”
Only with the orbiting planets…
On the iPOD now – “Valdez in the country” – Gerald Veasley
@ Shiny Rod…I still get a pimple now and then and I don’t need Viagra….
“over lust”… TF??… Not until you pry my cold, dead hands from my……….never mind.
I know you’ve all heard this but here goes anyway:
A guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm and sees his wife laying on the couch. He says, “this is the pig I’ve been fucking.” She says, “That’s not a pig, it’s a duck.” And he says, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
LOL @ Shiny Rod… that’s great.
More bad form:
Location: Cricket’s Bar and Grill near Baylor
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “Hey, you look familiar?”
26 yr Old Me: “Ok.”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “Seriously… how do I know you?!”
26 yr Old Me: “I don’t know… I go to Baylor?”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “I WENT TO BAYLOR!!”
26 yr Old Me: “What a shock.”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “When did you go to Baylor?”
26 yr Old Me: “For the past eight years.”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “Oh my Gawd! Are you a doctor or sometihng?!”
26 yr Old Me: “No.”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “Then why have you been going to school for 8 years?”
26 yr Old Me: “Because I was lazy and didn’t want to get a job!”
Drunk 32 yr Old At Bar: “OHMYGAD! That’s so unattractive! That’s the worst pickup line ever!”
26 yr Old Me: “You’re old and drunk, why the hell would I be trying to impress you?”
Of course… this is before I had learned the pleasure of the cougar… I was so naive!
More bad form….sitting at the bar at The Orlean’s in Vegas about a month ago…an acttive young lady (apparenty concerned about my percived loneliness) asked me if I was looking for some company. I said you’re a pretty girl but my Dad’s up in the room asleep. She said I could go get another room for $50. I said…let’s see….$50 plus you for a couple hours???…(no intention of following through here folks)…and she said…”It won’t take that long.”
True story….-d
[Wife to Husband] I want something shiny and metallic that goes from zero to 160 in seconds.
The husband went out and bought her a bathroom scale.
Ba-Bum-BUM!
she was ‘ATTRACTIVE’…….damn!!….glad my birthday Guinness is almost gone. I’ll be able to spell again soon.
Speaking of things turning blue, how’s about that Michael Jackson.
OK, so I had an update ready to fire at work, in case the inevitable happened, so now I am at home. I have showered, made my kids dinner (wife is working) took son to martial arts, mowed front law and started dinner for myself and the child bride, thinking an update might be here. Can’t retrieve the update at work( that no one really likes that much anyway), ( remember, it is better to to eat your own feces than to starve) but I AM FUCKING SORRY. It consisted of overrated music artists that I do not understand how they have a following. I took a three day weekend, so everyone, have an good weekend. Mine consists of running a small restaurant for three days while the owner is on vacation and a Rays game, followed by a Pat Benatar concert (included in the pirce) at the Trop on Saturday night. Have a fucking awesome weekend surf reporters!
Yeah, that’s “price” not “pirce”. It’s the weekend, goddamit.
DTO — She was simply giving you her professional opinion based on extensive market research. She must not have collected enough data to enable her to predict outliers.
I’m not offended when people tell me I’m smarter than I look.
And that’s goddammit, not goddamit
They come in threes.
1. Farrah Fawcett
2. Michael Jackson
3. _____________ (fill in the blank)
LA Times has stated the MJ is dead…
Swami – #3 Ed McMahon
Right you are, Shiny. We’ve had our three already.
@ Brynhildr – It was good intentions gone awry. What I meant was that since Farrah was not available, Jeesum Crow, I don’t know if there is a good way to put it.
Lets all brace ourselves for the inevitable rumors that Michael Jackson faked his own death.
Shiny Rod — OK, I’ll say it for you, “Brynhildr, you are no Farrah Fawcett.” There. Done.
(I know what you meant. However, given all the fun “bad form” follow-up comments, it was worth the backhanded compliment. Besides, I have my new dog is here to console me.)
Michael Jackson went to that tiny hairless penis in the sky. Only 50 years old. Europe is going to be beside themselves. At least they still have David Hasselhoff.
Mein Gott! Please not also with the Herr Hasselhoff kaput!
I was stuck with a Samsung Blackjack. Everyone had told me of how great it was, but when I upgraded to the dang thing, it had absolutly no service. Then, when I called AT&T, Cingular at the time, I was told that nothing could be done about it, not even a trade-in. Talk about being mad…
Love the report Jeff. First time I stumbled upon it, but it’s great. Keep it coming.