A Stern Warning and Trash Chicken
Yesterday I posted an article about the death of Scott Baio at Mockable, and the sky immediately turned black and all hell broke loose.
Maybe the Big Guy didn’t care for my “humor?” I don’t know, but for a few minutes I thought we might have a situation on our hands. I was about to order the Secrets into bathtubs, with mattresses over the top.
The wind was howling, it was raining sideways (sometimes up), and I could hear lightning. Know what I mean? I’m not talking about thunder. I mean everything was happening so close, I could actually hear the lightning crackling and whatnot. And I can’t have that.
So, that’s why there was no Tuesday update. I believe I was issued a warning from Home Office. Our internet completely shit the bed, as did our cable service, and all the clocks said it was noon, then nothing, then noon again, then nothing…
I apologize to everyone living in the greater Scranton area. I take full responsibility. I will never again make a joke at Scott Baio’s expense. Sheesh.
On Monday Toney told me she wasn’t able to pack me a lunch for work. She said I could either do it myself, or just buy something.
So, I was driving to McDonald’s on my lunch break…
I was planning to buy one of their fake Chick-fil-A samliches, which is better than it has a right to be, and a $1 tankard of sweet tea. Mmmmm… It was going to be very good indeed.
But it was gone! The McDonald’s, I mean. It wasn’t there anymore!! The whole damn thing. Where it had stood, just a few days before, there was now an open field with a dark spot in the middle. What in the knuckle-cracking hell?!
It was a disconcerting experience. If you can’t rely on McDonald’s in this world, what’s left? They’re as predictable and consistent as it gets. And the whole freaking building was gone!
Sweating and hyperventilating, I drove past the black spot, looking for a quickie alternative. Off in the distance I spotted a KFC/A&W hybrid, and decided it would have to do. Even though I’m not really a fan…
Wotta shithole. The cashiers were surly, and sporting questionable dentistry solutions. The place was also filthy, and in a state of decline.
I ordered one of their “famous bowls,” because I kinda liked the one I tried before, and went looking for a place to sit. And most of the tables were covered in garbage (fucking pigs), or smeared with questionable sauces and/or bodily fluids.
I headed toward a booth in the corner, and one of the bench seats was gone. Missing completely: wtf? And the other one had a gaping hole in it, with stuffing and gnarled metal inside.
Some guy was sitting a few feet away (in front of a box with “$5!” printed on the side), all hunched-up like a gargoyle. The dude was stripping a chicken breast all the way down to its basic infrastructure. And there was no way I was sitting near him… It was like something off Silence of the Lambs.
I finally located an acceptable table, and sat down with my four pound mixing bowl of sodium and fat. And it was edible, but not nearly as tasty as I remembered.
While I choked it down, a parade of Harbor Freight customers went past. There were screaming dumplin’ children with buzzcuts and muscle shirts, flabby mommas with leg tattoos, dads who couldn’t have possibly seen their feet or penises in decades, and dipshit idiots in their twenties dressed like Eminem, circa 1997.
As I was leaving, an enormous pickup truck rolled onto the parking lot, shaking the earth with its engine and exhaust system. The behemoth parked, and when the driver door opened a step came down. I’d never seen that before… Fancy.
What kind of neighborhood was this, anyway? I should’ve just slapped some turkey between two slices of bread, and stored it in a padded box — like everybody else at my job. I wasn’t aware we worked next-door to Six Flags Over Scary White Trash.
But now I know.
What’s the worst fast food experience of your life? How’s that for a Question? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you? And don’t leave out any of the details of filth and degradation. We need it all.
I’ll leave you now with a picture of the younger Secret sporting one of our new t-shirts. Right here. Pretty great-looking, huh? I think it might possibly be the best one we’ve ever done.
I’ll be back tomorrow, with a big ol’ End of Week Topic Dump.
See ya then!
Filed under: Daily
yada.
I hear that freaking music every night on my street.
Six Flags over Scary White Trash, I am definitely going to use this later today, thanks Jeff!
Damn, I woulda been first if I had posted before reading. That’ll learn me!
Gotta get me one of those monkeys. One of these too…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y
Oh…I’m assuming you changed the sheets?
Top Ten??
Seven Up !!!
When KFC first introduced rotissierie chicken back in the early 90s, I decided to try it out. I was really hungry and the wife and I headed out to the local unit, pulling up to the drive-thru, expecting to be home eating our chicken with the next, say, 3 or 4 minutes.
The drive-thru clerk tells me “we ran out, and the next ones won’t be ready for 45 minutes.”
I went ballistic on them – the hunger turned to anger (squared) and I let them have it – all kinds of profanity mixed in with many lessons on the concept of “fast” food, and the irony of pulling into Kentucky Fried “Chicken” only to be told they had no…
I don’t think I’ve eaten there since – when a place pisses me off that badly, my loyalty is not won back easily, friends.
OK, not a “fillth and degradation” story, I know, but on second thought maybe it was kind of degrading…
I don’t eat enough fast food to have any good stories to tell, but the bunker cam shot is hi-larious! A demonic toddler too jacked up on high fructose corn syrup and Pokemon to notice he’s pissed himself, his sweatpants pulled all the way up under his pre-pubescent man/boy-boobs. The future is lookin’ bright, my friends.
And the Further Evidence is classic. I’ve never actually seen a drunk monkey until today. A great quote: “But unlike us, monkeys that are heavy drinkers make better leaders, respected by other monkeys.” Apparently, some people I know were born into the wrong species. Who knew it was so simple?
Soooo close…
This isn’t mine, it’s my brother’s, but I’ll tell it anyway.
He stopped at a Kentucky Fried Chicken (I call bullshit on the “KFC” thing) with his family about a year ago and told me while they were sitting there one of the kids came up front and started mopping the floor.
normal….
He was apparently also instructed to wipe down the tables.
Also normal…
In a brilliant flash of multitasking genius, he decided to combine the two tasks. He would mop accross the dining room, and when he got to an empty table or booth, he would simply pick the wet mop up off the floor and swipe it across the table.
not normal….
Upon witnessing that my brother grabbed the wife and kid, and got the hell outta there.
I can’t even name the town in Kentucky this one McDonald’s is in, but if you drive south from Louisville on I-65, it’s on the left, somewheres in between Ft. Knox and Bowling Green. That used to be the general direction of my folks when they lived in Tenn. and we lived in Lolville.
Anyway. We stopped there on day-after-Christmas morning a few years ago, and it was like Harbor Freight + Deliverance + The Hills Have Eyes all rolled into one. The oldest employee in the place (aside from the toothless Methuselah who was doing something with a big wooden stick in one of the fryers) was about 19, and sporting a gigantic chancre on her upper lip (cold sore, my ass). The cashier who rang up our two coffees, and nothing else, thanks, we’re suddenly not hungry looked and smelled as though he had just come inside from spending 3 hours getting to know his bong out in the parking lot — which I could make an allowance for, since he had to work in that shithole, except that he’d killed the last dozen or so brain cells he showed up with that morning, overrang us and had to call the Herpes Queen over to help. She had a cigarette going, and took it out of her mouth and set it on the edge of the counter while she fumbled for her cash register key. Jesus Christ in a chariot-driven sidecar.
It got better, too. I had to let loose the pre-trip round of coffee (my wife refused — she said she’d rather risk urea poisoning than even look in their bathroom), and considered just letting fly next to the car (didn’t think anyone would mind), but I had to be adventurous and try the bathroom. Where I discovered that someone had dropped off their yule log in the urinal. So, making sure none of my exposed skin got within six feet of any surface in there, I just went ahead and peed in their sink. Least I could do to contribute to the ambience.
I’ve never heard of – let alone seen – a McDonald’s disappear. They may get remodeled but they never get torn down.
Must be another sign of the apocalypse. Perhaps when the saucer came back to pick up Michael Jackson, they swooped down and took a McDonald’s “to-go” too.
Sorry Jeff but after that decription, you should have done an about face and high tailed it out of there. I refuse to dine in a restaurant where the employees are as questionable as the appearance and I have entertained some interesting dives in my travels around the world. Take for instance the open air market in Mazalan, Mexico. Just picture the carcasses of slaughtered animals hanging from the ceiling would have most running for the nearest vegetarian place. The smell was as equally morbid. If that were an American grocery store, the health board would have put them out of business long ago. I like choice…
Now playing on the iPod – “Scheherazade” – Rimsky-Korsakov
Worst Fast Food Experience: Arbys!
A buddy and I went there for dinner about 10 years ago. We each ordered a couple of sandwiches (beef and cheddar if I remember correctly) and fries. They didn’t have normal fires, so we had to have those God awful “curly fries” that look like breaded and deep-fried pubes. They also warned us that our pops might be flat “because the pop thing isn’t working right”.
When we got our food we each took one bite, gagged on the gristly pressed beef, got up and went somewhere else. We didn’t ever bother asking for refunds because dealing with the morlocks behind the counter wasn’t worth it.
Worst fast food experience- Backyard Burgers, in Boone, North Carolina. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the retarded, but when they are preparing my food, I have to draw the line. Just a few weeks earlier, the Boone Burger King sent over 200 people to the hospital due to contaminated food. Feacl matter. That’s right, someone touching the Whoppers didn’t wash up after they shat. Turns out, it was Corky from Life Goes On, toasting the buns. For real.
At Backyard Burgers, three mentally challenged individual worked there. Not just your North Carolina mountains mentally challenged toothless rednecks, but actual mentally handicapped Corkys. I did not think washing their hands was high on their priority list that day. I watched one scoop french fries off the floor and dump them back in the hot french fry warmer thingy. I saw one enter the restroom and come back out just a little too quickly for my liking. And the other one, a female, drooled and stared at the drive thru window for minutes at a time. I ordered my food, careful to get the onion rings with my four burgers. It was my hour lunch break and I drove ten minutes to get there. After a fifteen minute wait (Fast food?) I asked a 400 pound woman who appeared to be barking orders if I could go back and help out or something. She told me everything was under control and asked me to remain some foreign practice known as “patience”. Five more minutes and Corky number one began to wail like a hippo because he had stuck his hand in the deep fryer. The heavyweight wrapped his hand in a wet towel and told him to hurry up with the orders. All together, counting the three short bus riders, the heavyweight and the other employees, 12 goddamn people were fixing orders for three people in line and one at the drive thru. I asked biggun’ for my money back and she said it was not possible, since I used a debit card. I told her she was full of shit and asked for her supervisor’s name. She began to wail, her green mascara running down her cheeks and staining her white dress shirt and necktie. Billy Ray Pigfarmer, standing directly behind me, said,”Whut y’all go dew somtin like dat fer? She jis doin’ her jawb.” I turned at looked at his two remaining front teeth and said ” You know we’ve been here twenty five minutes, right?” He said, “Yep.” I asked “What did you order?” He said, “I don’ member.” I asked fatty for her supervisor’s name again and she waled out. Quit her job right then and there, screaming, “They don’t pay me enough for this shit. Asshole customers and retarded cooks! Fuck y’all!” Corky number one stepped up to the window and said, “Can I take yer order, mister?” It was worth eight dollars just to leave at that point.
A lot of language barriers here at the fast food places, but I generally get what I want without a hassle.
Did you know- on this day in 1943, “Pay-as-you-go” income tax withholding began?
On IPOD right now- “Private Investigations”- Dire Straits
@sunshine_in_va:
I took a business class once where we looked at McDonalds and their process of choosing locations. They have one of the highest success rates for any business and at the time I took the course less than 5 outlets had ever closed, and usually for extraordinary reasons . In fact if you watch an area develop, McDonalds is usually the first to open and the others all open around them.
I don’t have a good fast food story to tell, but I can share a disappearing building story. We were leaving Sam’s Club the other day when- lo and don’t behold- we noticed that an entire building had been razed at the perimeter of the shopping center. The whole shopping center can’t be 10 years old, and this building wasn’t your typical fast food joint, it was an insurance building, complete with drive-in bays for estimates and the like. Mind you, this is happening in a place where they don’t tear buildings down; more, they just walk away from them. I’d think insurance fraud or something, if it hadn’t been an insurance company building. Strange this are afoot here in Chucktown.
toney packs your lunch for you???
Both the Wendys in my town are some grim I very rarely ventue in, which is a shame because Wendys is by far my favorite of The Big Three. I think Arbys are trying to kill them off.
So, those three little boys who lived with Michael Jackson weren’t really his biological children, nor was he their adoptive parent. They were just three little boys procured by a man who was, several times, accused of being a homosexual pedophile. WTF? Nobody questioned this?
Limey — one was a girl, and therefore exempt from his (alleged) charms.
I was at a Whataburger in Ft. Worth one time and the girl behind the counter was standing there half asleep. I thought, “oh great, another sunshiney teen that’s disgusted with her job.” But when I got up there to order she wasn’t responding to me. She had her head cocked to one side and she kept blinking real slow. She was white knuckling the counter. I thought she was going to pass out or have a seizure or something.
A moment later she jerked to the side and puked what seemed like five gallons of stomach matter. It smelled very strong of alky-hawl. She held her abdoman and moaned her way to the side while a guy that was manning the french fry rack snapped around and said, “May I finish your order?” He must have been standing in her puke but he acted like the whole thing hadn’t happened. I just looked at him for a second and walked away. I noticed as I made my way for the door that the couple behind me were ordering.
A friend and I were in a dunkin donuts type of place back in the 60′s. We were hippies with long hair. we were at a tableway away from the door. There was a drunk cowboy between us and the door. He picked his head off the table to see us and drew his gun. Said he “got to shoot him some hippies”. Luckly his friends corraled him and sent us packing. That was somewhere in Oklahoma. We went on a direct route north. Figured we had seen enough of the cowboys.
I’m stretching it a little – Denny’s isn’t really fast food – but I’ll never forget this as long as I live.
On one of the torturous station wagon vacations of my youth (I was probably 13 or 14 on this one) we were eating breakfast at a Denny’s (I think in Idaho, I forget) and this ENORMOUS woman comes in with a companion and sits in a boof. My father says “What’ll ya have Ma’am? Page 3″ We howled. Anyway, a little while later, she tries to get out of the boof. Her heft is wedge in and won’t move. The waitress tried to help her. No go. The Manager comes over and tries to help her. She ain’t budging. The Manager actually BRACED THIS FOOT AGAINS THE BOOTH AND PULLED HER OUT.
All manner of sarcasm was being flung around our table and hilarity ensued. One of my favorite lines of all time was my father’s “Page 3″. Loved that man.
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
Is the bunker cam a chubacabra?
I went through a fast food restaurant drive-thru once and ordered a burger and fries, only to get home and discover a severed human head in the bag instead of the food I ordered. Never Again!
This just in:
Considering the topic of the day – West Virginia comes in fourth for obesity at 31.3% of the population. Mississippi is still first, however.
Carry on.
Where are we on the death trifecta? Karl Malden is the latest.
I don’t normally eat at fast food places (except Taco time) so can’t share much. But many years ago, I was at a cafe type place in the city that I grew up in, ‘Salisbury House’ – not sure if still exists. A friend of mine ordered a ham sandwich and ate half. She took a few bites of the second half and found a foreign object – upon closer observation it was a band aid baked into the bread. I think she is still scarred by this experience. At the time I almost died laughing – but if it were to happen to me now, I think I’d lose my lunch.
Breaking news.
Karl Malden 1912-2009
When will it end?
If anyone else here follows boxing- Alexis Arguello died today. Featherweight and lightweight champion in the eighties. Beat the shit out Mancini.
Did you know- Alexis Arguello is ranked by Ring Magazine as the 20th greatest puncher of all time?
On IPOD right now- “Mexican Moon”- Concrete Blonde
@ Knucklehead – Hey, In NC, pork is king…
Recently a guy in his early 30′s back in Moundsville, West Virginia thought it would be funny to put a couple of his pubes on the cops burger who was waiting at the drive thru. Cop checked the burger first before he ate it (as I am sure many cops do). And the dork who did it just got 6 months in jail. Dinner, I mean justice, is served.
We were at a Wendy’s once, and had just paid for our food. The Duh Ralph behind the counter was filling a drive-thru order when he dropped a hamburger on the filthy floor. He just picked it up, slapped it on the bun, and sent it out the window. We threw up a little in our mouths, demanded our money back, and stampeded out the door. No Wendy’s, no way, no-how.
It’s scary to think, all these joints are only as good as their worst employee.
This is a direct result of the lack/removal of funding for hygiene, health and ettiquette being taught in public schools and I don’t think they are gonna get it from a poster on the wall if they can’t read.
Does the does it even count as a trifecta when the croaker is nearly 100?
Dead is dead.
Sounds to me like in other parts of the country, fast food workers are a bunch of dentally-challenged simpletons with questionable genetics. On the West Coast, they’re mostly illegal immigrants who have a tenuous grasp of the English language. I’m waiting for the day when I don’t have to pull up to the window and look at the LCD display to know how much my meal is going to cost. I know I shouldn’t complain and I’m an awful person for saying it. Who do I expect is going to accept minimum wage to throw my chicken sammich in the deep-fryer and then go clean up after people with nasty bathroom habits?
The worst fast food experience of my life? It was nothing to do with the food, really, as much as it was the aftermath.
My father and I went through the drive through, and stopped in the parking lot to eat.
Once we were finished, he decided to smoke a cigar without rolling the windows down.
I pleaded with him to let me put my window down, but he would have none of it.
I threw up all over the back of his head, the back of the car seat, and the front of myself.
And then I got a spanking.
@ DTO – Watch this and I think the monkey thing will be over…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DBuk91phkI
I don’t have any fast food horror stories (I would close my eyes and walk through ankle-deep toilet overflow for a Sausage and Egg McGriddle).
But I did want to drop in a belated Thank You to Jeff for compiling the Resources page. I was one of the hordes who had asked those types of questions in the past, and Sweet Sainted Mother of Megan Mullally, that list goes well above and beyond.
@Brynhildr – ah yes, silly me, I assumed Blanket was a boy’s name (yes, I know).
He probably procured a girl as cover, on the advice of his lawyers. Kind of like how fat people order a triple with cheese and a DIET Coke, so they can claim “no, I *really* am on a diet – see!”
how do i see the bunker cam? am i missing it somehow? also, what’s the “further evidence?”
For all those KFC fans, you know they were looking to replace the Colonel with a new face. Great sainted mother of all that is fast food restaurants. Maybe MD is canning the clown…
http://www.kfc.com/about/newsroom/062909.asp
Limey — actually, Blanket Jackson (aka Prince Michael Jackson II) is indeed a boy. Child #2, Paris-Michael Katherine, is the girl. (See what crap takes up valuable space in my head?! Ridiculous, useless knowledge gleaned from having the news on as background noise.)
Since all of this was done in-vitro and the technology exists, Paris-Michael may very well be a cover.
@ Brynhildr: Ignore that this is on the Catholic website, I think you’ll still find it interesting LOL!
http://www.catholic.org/hf/home/story.php?id=31789
@Shiny Rod…..uummmm…thanks? Saw that before (maybe 15 seconds worth) and yep…that’s a capper and creepy. Why hasn’t Jane Goodhall exlpored this behavior further? Still would like to have a drink fetching monkey though. Oh shit… wait….I’m married!
(Just kidding folks). Damn near had to duck on that last scentence. Thought she was going to throw it for sure.
One time I walked into a McDonald’s restroom and Scott Baio was standing there fucking a block of cheese. He smiled and said, “Crazy weather we’re having, huh.”
Yeah I heard it was untreated dick cheese that killed him in the end. What a way to go.
They tore down the McDonald’s closest to my house, too, but then rebuilt a brand new one in its place. When I say “tore down”, I mean they leveled it and stripped the lot of trees and all the landscaping! There wasn’t a thing left on the site. Too bad because there were mature trees on the lane at the drive-thru window, so you could sit in the shade while waiting in line. It took them about 4 months, but they built an entirely new McD’s on the site.
Worst fast food experience wasn’t exactly “fast food”, but I was eating in a Pancake House when an armed robbery took place. Kind of ruined my appetite after 2 guys in ski masks and 45′s came in and robbed the cashier.
Weird thing that happened today. Put a new battery in a travel alarm clock and the second hand ran backwards! Does that mean the end of the world is nigh?
My worst fast food experience wasn’t even in a fast food restaurant. It was back when they had the $1.00 theatres (mid 90s maybe?) Hubby & I went to one to see a movie we’d missed when it first came out. Those theatres let you bring your own snacks in, reasonable candy size items. They still sold popcorn & soda but not at ridiculous prices like the regular Cinemas. A family of about 7 rednecks poured in and sat down 3 rows behind us, with their buckets of KFC, biscuits, gravy, mashed potatoes, slaw, chips, baked beans, 6-pks of Mt Dew… commenced to having a slurp & burp picnic right there! “Pass this.. gimme that… enymore gravy?… you gonna eat that pickle?”…. Gah!! We barely heard a word of the movie.
@ Ben K – “Jesus Christ in a chariot-driven sidecar”. Simply excellent.
Green Street Wendy’s in Urbana Champaign Illinois, circa 1995. In that place around 10pm on a Saturday and it looked like a fast food restaurant blew up in the dining area. Wendy’s boxes / wrappers / trays everywhere. UofI students obviously expected there to be a maid service and Wendy’s thought the students should put their trash were it belongs. Stalemate, and we were going to pay the price.
We waited what seemed an inordinate amount of time to get to the point where we could place our order. I was placing my order and that’s when I spotted him: The Wendy’s manager. In all of his “I’ve done nothing but work at Wendy’s all of my life and have the gut to prove it” glory.
What I bore witness to is just like it happened just yesterday. The manager was assembling the burgers… a line of buns waiting for whatever accoutrement to be slapped onto them located behind and above said counter. Whatever the order, the manager had to reach up to grab something. As he did, (it was almost slow motion) I watched the manager’s gut / fat roll spill forward and CRUSH the bun on the counter. Which he then promptly slapped whatever burger / chicken / accoutrement onto and slid down the line. I knew it was not my burger but there was some question as to whether or not it was one of our friends.
I decided to fill out a customer comment card — indicating that the dining room was a mess and wrote “manager working behind counter is not a good sign of what will happen from eating Wendy’s food.” I put my brother’s name and address on the card and dropped it in the box. No way in hell was I going to have an angry Wendy’s manager showing up at my doorstep.
RimBoy – your manager story reminds me of girl that was a manager at Tim Hortons – when ever I went in there I couldn’t help but think how she resembled a Timbit and giggle the whole time I was in there. I don’t eat donuts anyways but that certainly would have been a deterrent if I did.
even in parentheses, the first F bomb I have seen Jeff drop. maybe not, an F Bomb never hurt though. Good Stuff.
@ Jason, LMFAO! Struck me funny, don’t know why. Can’t stop laughing! Time for me to ride the little bus.
Good Evening Surf Reporters….
JK, I do believe the Almighty mocked you right back, and that inspired you to post one of the best updates in a long while…
Praise Jeezum
Worst fast food encounter was a McD’s right after a busload of Cub Scouts had just re-embarked on their little shitheel journey.
Not only was the west wing totally decimated with boogery filth, when I stepped into the john someone had laid a double deuce right inside the stall floor.
I believe it was still settling.
Bill in PA,
Don’t get on the short bus just yet. Do you not remember my story about “Booger” fucking a block of Velveeta a couple of months ago? Even if you say no, I have a “warped” sense of humor. It’s okay to laugh. It’s NOT okay to admit it, usually.
Bill, I’d like to submit a mockable concerning you this Friday. Short notice, I know, but how do you feel about it?
Not good.
Who wants to be remotely involved in as mockable topic?
Do an autobiography.
They tore down a McDonald’s in my old home town too (but they did it to build a brand new one):
http://www.southbendtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090628/BIZ/906280440
@trinamick:
I had a friend in high school who worked at Wendy’s and was fired because he refused to use bacon that had been dropped on the floor. He threw the manager’s purse in the fry vat on his way out the door.
Carol – the battery is in backwards.
Is it just me, or does it seem like every celebrity that has died this week has taken at least one worthy one with them? In other words, the first one you hear about is kind of “Meh” or at best “Gee, that’s too bad” and then the next is “WTF!” To wit:
Ed McMahon then Farrah
Michael Jackson then Billy Mays
Karl Malden then Alexis Arguello
Also, I don’t really have any memorable fast food stories come to mind, at least none worth posting. But, on the flip side, I have had the … pleasure?… of managing a pizza joint in Morgantown while in school. In the interest of not decimating the fast food industry, I can assure you that none of the disgusting shit went on there. Maybe the exception, and not the rule, but we had fun and kept shit clean in the process. There were a couple of times I considered it, but refrained. Interestingly, despite the pool of available candidates, the Indian (dot not feather) owner, only allowed native West Virginians to manage the place. Something about the work ethic. Yep, I take pride. And yep, I’ve been drinking.
@Knucklehead – chubacabra…LOL!!!
Went to a Denny’s once where the employees looked like they were one rung down from off season carny workers. Can’t go into details because after several months of ruminating about it I was finally able to repress the memory and now it is nearly completely blocked.
I don’t live in my home town, but when I went home for Thanksgiving or some such, I drove into town and saw that the apartment complex my dad owns had become a very large vacant lot. Strangely, the Mickey D’s in the adjacent lot was still standing.
The kid in the bunker cam shot looks like a chubbed up bat boy from the (now defunct) Weekly World News.
Oh, and Six Flags over scary white trash – classic! Absolutely classic!
I used to work in a very upscale seafood joint in New England and when the prep cooks in the back were finished making up 3 or 4 giant pots of clam chowder….he would call us in and we would “christen” it. (Clams…..clam showder…I think you get the jist)!
But it was awesome and we all would eat it! lol
Bill in PA,
Fair enough. Just thought I’d ask. You’re safe with me.
and then you had the other thing which was as good….
…just sayin’…
Couple of stories.
When I was a kid we were driving from So Cal to visit my Uncle in Arizona. We stopped at a gas station somewhere near the border and my little brother and I had to use the bathroom. We headed over to the side of the station and walked in to a passed out homeless man with trousers at half mast, cover in toilet paper. We got out of there as fast as our legs could carry us. Absolutely horrifying.
I had just started a new job in Stockton, drove over to Taco Bell to grab some half pound burritos. As I was scarfing my food a loud, crazy homeless guy was in line mumbling and shouting. When he got to the register he yelled. “How much for a big bowl of melted CHEESE!” THe kid behind the register didn’t miss a beat, “35 cents, Sir”
Gotta love Stockton
mountie9wv – Let’s Goooooo! Mountaineers!
@AngryWhiteGuy…..Hilarious! You seriously should have your own blog!
Don’t really have a bad fast food story. But on the subject of leveled buildings….I used to live in the famed McKees Rocks (home of Billy Mays). Now the “Rocks” has certain sections that are “better” than others if you get the way I’m drifting. On the more shady edge of town now stands a huge, brandy-new Rite Aid store/pharmacy. But before that it was a Wendys and before that it was a Burger King. Both establishments were leveled, landscape and all. The Burger King was questionable especially at night when the “hood” took over. Don’t know where the Wendy’s went wrong. Maybe too many Corky’s and “Dunlop” bellies….My belly dun-lopped over the buns…
That picture of Scott Baio at the top of today’s report – he does look very serious, man. I mean, he ain’t gonna take any shit off any body – even from You, Jeff Kay.
Now, Jeff Goldblum – He has a sense of humor about being told he was dead. He even went on Stephen Colbert to twitter about it. THAT’s how you handle that kind of situation. Mr. Baio could’ve posted his own comment here as a surf reporter or possibly submitted a guest mockable article.
but what do I know? I’m not a celebrity. No one has ever spread a rumor about ME that I’M dead. I’ve never walked a mile in Scott Baio’s shoes.
RIP Burt Reynolds
Alice – Season tickets ordered. Now, if September 5th would just hurry and get here.
One time I went into a McDonald’s restroom and Burt Reynolds was in there shitting in the urinal. He said, “I tell ya what. If you drive West until you hit the ocean there will be trannies all over the place.” And I said, “I don’t want trannies, Bart, I just want to piss.” And he said, “Burt. The name’s Burt, not Bart.”
Alice in WV – I’m pretty sure the photo is of Eminem, not Scott Baio.
Jeez, I just saw this on Animal Planet not two minutes ago. You’d think they’d have the sense to pull the ad. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for their product if you ask me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7d85T4OfqA
Hey I heard a commercial on the radio on the way to work. Some girl hawking penis pills. She goes on and on about how she likes em thick, she likes to be stretched, etc. Very odd.
@Pole Girl/Alice I think the picture is Karen Carpenter
@Jason – and so you called and ordered the pills. Way to go Enzyte. Another victim sold….
Jason — I think that’s the same girl who keeps emailing me. I’ve considered sending her my John Holmes strap-on just to get her to shut up.
@ WB in OH – Oh that was cruel, I was guessing one of the Kennedy’s they didn’t let out of the mansion.
@ Brynhildr – I’m not gonna touch that…
@ Jason – See what ya started…
I’m afraid to take penis pills. I mean, how do the pills know to enlarge your penis and not something else? What if you wake up with a giant hand, for example?
I let go of my John Holmes strap-on two weeks ago in a garage sale. Got $3 for it.
I see your point Jason. A giant hand would just make the situation worse, proportionally speaking.
@ Brynhildr – I don’t think he was talking about his hands…
I wear a size 12 EEEE shoe. Like they say….”Big feet…Big shoes”…
It seems to me that if you’ve got a giant hand holding a wee-bitty penis…well, I’m not a man, but I’m almost positive it does nothing for your self-esteem. Then, he’d be ashamed to get it out for fear his wife would laugh her ass off. He’s not getting any action. She’s not either. No one is happy. Tension mounts. Next thing you know, the situation is worse than if he had never experimented with the penis pills in the first place. Clearly, nothing good can come of it.
52,600,000 hits when you Google “enlargement”.
Surely there’s a niche of girls that like men with one giant hand. I’m hoping.
Check out Uma Thurman’s HUGE thumb in “Even Cowgirls Get The Blues” movie. Book by tom Robbins.
Can’t find a video for you yet…..but anyway. Cool book.
Did anyone else notice that Jacko’s hands were huge compared to his face?
DTO, on July 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm Said:
I wear a size 12 EEEE shoe. Like they say….”Big feet…Big shoes”
yeah. large shoes and huge gloves
oops, shit
Big feet, big hands = large shoes and huge gloves
Jeezum Crow did I mess that up
I’m glad my self asteem is not located in that region. But I must bid fair adue to the Surf Reporters for the weekend. Me and the pup are loading up the Jeep and headed for the beach to exact a well needed vacation from work and study. It’s damn hard to maintain a 4.0 GPA and I have a little pleasure reading to catch up on. Möchten Sie mit mir für diese Venture brynhildr Aber diese Zeit wird kommen. Zu beobachten Sie den Sonnenaufgang bis zum Strand AWE inspirierend. Es ist ein Erlebnis Wert Mitbenutzung.
just got back to my desk and read @Pole Girl’s post – laughed my ass off! how dopey of me to make that mistake! Eminem =?! Scott Baio HAHAHA
I cannot wait to tell that on myself.
Will Slim Shaddy wanna kick my ass now?
Have a good 4th, surf reporters. I can’t wait here (at work) any longer, so I will read the update on Monday, when I come back to work. Walter Cronkite should be dead by then.
Did you know- Walter Cronkite was regarded as the “most trusted man in America”?
On IPOD now- “Master of Puppets”- Metallica
I guess I’m gonna split too. Let’s hope we can make it through the long weekend without Ralph Macchio dying on us.
I think Robert Schimmel did a bit where he talked about penis enlargement cream. His question was “wouldn’t it make your hand bigger too?”. Said all of the chicks would be looking for guys with one Mickey Mouse hand. LMFAO!
Did you know that “Master of Puppets” was actually written about Jim Henson?
Scott Baio IS Eminem (have you ever seen the two of them in the same room or in the same film shot?)
Rapping is Scott’s second career
who was it on here that said they disliked Billy Ray Cyrus? I just rec’d an email from our local Main Street org that he is in the Country-Fried 4th of July line up in Fairmont , WV. This is unreal. Jeeezzum Feckin Crow. I’m not a fan. at all. not even a little bit. but is he being blackmailed? Could he not get a better booking somewhere, I don’t know, bigger? and admission is FREE!
He plays at 8:45pm and if you think he’s not blowing in and out of here quicker than [insert Jeff Kay-ism here], you’re kidding yourself.
Our house is right across the river from the park where they’ll be ‘playing’ and that crap will be blasted into my personal space for hours. We will definitely be taking up an offer we got for a big ol’ party elsewhere, I’m tellin’ ya.
At least, in our local news anyway, MJ’s funeral will be overshadowed by the media circus that will be the – can I say it? – the Achey .. Breakey.. Heart…. blech.
FIRST !!!!!!!
…for July 5th.
And it’s 8:45 in the P effin’ M.
And no one had anything to say on July 3rd or 4th either? Very strange indeed.
And strange that the comments clock seems to be set on Central Time, given that Jeff is an Eastern kinda guy.