A Rare Friday Dispatch From The Bunker
I got a rather severe haircut last night. The word “severe” wasn’t in my request, but the woman certainly improvised it. I asked for the standard: clippers, four and two guards. Somewhere, during my travels, I picked up that bit of insider lingo, and it insures (generally speaking) a haircut the way I like it.
My “stylist” was dressed like she was ready for an evening at the Tropicana Club, or whatever. She was wearing an expensive-looking dress, with a flamboyant, sparkly shawl around her neck. Her hair was piled high, impeccably so, and she kinda glided through the room.
Holy shit, I thought, is this Liza Minnelli?
And, man, she was rough. Her clippers had obviously been used and abused, and almost cut me open like a trout. You know those people you see wandering around Wal-Mart, with one really tall tooth on the bottom? Well, that’s how those clippers felt. One of the prongs was hyper-extended, and I worried I’d be leaving there a bloody mess.
Near the end of the procedure she was slapping the thing against my neck, like she was keeping beat to an AC/DC song. I was wincing in pain as the “tall tooth” dug into my flesh. WTF? Is this some kind of Sweeney Todd situation??
When she (finally!) finished, she spun me around in the chair so I could see myself in the mirror, and I think I actually gasped. Where there had once been a pile of Bobby Brady hair, was now just a shadow. It’s not really hair, so much as a suggestion of hair. Know what I mean?
I gave the woman a four dollar tip, down from my standard five, because I thought I was going to need Bactine on my neck. Plus, I could feel the current weather conditions on my scalp.
When I exited the shop the Secrets were there, and both had concerned “Holy shit!” looks on their faces.
“What happened?” one of them said.
“Let’s just get in the car,” I answered.
Sweet sainted mother of where’s my fucking baseball cap?!
The T-Shirt Lady sent me an email yesterday, telling me my reorder for the miscommunication shirts will be ready on Saturday. So, I’ll be picking them up tomorrow, and will have everything caught-up by Monday.
Once again, I dropped the price on the Evil Twin blue/gray shirts, and they’re a thing of beauty, straight-up. Please order seven or three today. My 48-hour shipping guarantee will kick-in the moment I pick up the OOPS! shirts tomorrow.
Here’s your link. Buy ‘em up!
And what do you think about a Smoking Fish Snuggie? You can get them custom-made now, and I think it would be fantastic. What’s your thoughts on it?
Since I’m groveling like a ball-baby bitch here, please also don’t forget to enter the Amazon site through our links. There’s one at the end of all the latest updates, as well as other places throughout TheWVSR. If you do this, they’ll pay me roughly 5% of what you spend. So, it costs you nothing extra, and you’ll be supporting a worthy cause — my addiction to beer and fast food!
I don’t want to get overly cocky here, but I think our hacker problems might be behind us. It’s been almost 48 hours, and the spam code has not returned.
A couple of days ago Jan Ole Peek, who I sometimes hire to help with technical issues beyond my abilities, located a questionable folder at the site. It contained four small scripts that created secret pages, through which a spammer had full access to our files without a need for login information.
Diabolical! When I realized I had a problem, I changed all the usernames/passwords but the bad code kept coming back. Now I know why — the sphincter-spelunker installed his own backdoor portal into the West Virginia Surf Report! Grrr…
But I’m starting to believe the episode is over. Thanks to Jan, once again. If you ever need tech help with your WordPress site, he’s your guy. He has my unconditional endorsement, for what it’s worth.
I’ve applied for “reconsideration” at Google, so hopefully everything will be back to normal soon. Excruciating!
I posted a new Mockable update yesterday, and think it’s kinda funny. And today’s guest mock is excellent, as well. Please don’t forget about Mockable. We’re still chugging along over there. Quietly, in the background.
And I mentioned this once before, but “Bud Bundy’s” web show, Star-Ving is pretty damn hilarious. Don’t watch it with the kids, though. It’s not exactly Nickelodeon fare, if you know what I mean. Funny as hell, though. Check it out.
I’ll leave you now with a couple of questionable Questions…
Someone at work recently had their house broken into, and the thieves took their B.A.T (big ass television). Man, that infuriates me, just thinking about it. Have you ever had your house or apartment burgled?
I’m lucky, and don’t really have anything to contribute here. I’ve had shit stolen out of my car (like laundry!), but never an apartment or house. And I lived in Atlanta for six years.
What about you? Tell us about it in the comments.
Also, we’re receiving a ton of catalogs in the mail these days. Are there any particular ones that you actually look forward to receiving? We got a Crutchfield catalog yesterday, which is pretty good, and I got one last week frin CC Crane, a radio manufacturer. But I generally don’t get too excited by catalogs. Do you have any favorites?
If you’ve got anything on these two Questions, or anything else for that matter, use the comments to bring us up to date.
And I’ll see you guys on Monday.
Have a great weekend, my friends.
Filed under: Daily
1st
2nd Is what I get for reading the update.
I love Friday updates.
Snugg Life! hah!
I’ve had two apartments burgled (sp?) – lost my entire CD collection both times. I am still pissed off.
While living in Boone, NC, I was fortunate enough to wake up while a redneck and his Messican partner had broken the lock on my garage door, which was downstairs, and lifted the thing. It sounded like thunder when it opened. I woke up due to the noise, put on my pants and tiptoed into the first floor car parking area. Redneck saw me first and began to run back toward the garage door. Messican followed and they lifted it and began to crawl underneath. With my lightning speed, I was able to lunge and jump at the top of the garage door and trap them both under it, using my heft to hold it down. The child bride called the hillbilly police and they took them away. They blamed them for several other breakins in town.
No other thievery actions to report on.
I have NEVER received a catalog in the mail, except for some porn catalog that I do not know how I got onto their mailing list. It was shocking to open the envelope and see a ring of cocks surrounding some wenche’s mouth. Had to write a letter and get the post office involved to keep those things from coming (no pun intended).
On IPOD right now- “Black”- Pearl Jam
AWG – nice work!
Top 10! Hell yeah!
Whoo Wee! Top Ten!!
DYNAMIC INERTIA!
(Sorry to hear about the hair Jeff. But HAPPY to hear the backdoor was removed. I honestly had NO IDEA what you were dealing with. Never heard of such a thing. Glad it is fixed.)
Had a bicycle stolen when I was about 10 and it nearly broke my heart. I loved that orange coaster brake sumbitch. Then I had another one stolen when I was around 21. That one was a real bitch because it was my secondary transportation behind a repair hungry Chrysler. There’s a special place in Hell for thieves, and let’s hope an even more special place for bike thieves.
Double ones!!! Woot!
Someone stole my “dope” one time. Made for a miserable 3 day weekend!
A word of advice regarding the number system as hairstylist insider lingo.
Number systems exist, but they are in no way universal. Many are brand or salon chain specific. When you tell a stylist you want a 2-4, they assume you are referring to the system that they were trained under.
That being said, the stylist should have confirmed with you before you were readied for boot camp
jeff if you insist on hiring an expensively dressed woman for her professional services & end up feeling ripped off & unhappy well join the club!
Had my stereo ripped off once! pepetrator left muddy size 10 sneaker footprints that I was able to follow all the way to my next door neighbours house who just happened to have a 15 year old son wh wore size 10 sneakers! My neighbour & I ended up lecturing him on what a dumbass he was rather than what he did!
Had my house broken into during the mid-90s. Jerk stole a broken VCR and a pillowcase in which to carry it. Dumbass.
House break-ins? If they can get past Ginger, they earned it. Ginger will not, take food from strangers, approach strangers, or stop biting your ass if you come in my house and I’m not home. Besides, my insurance will replace it if it gets damaged or stolen.
Only catalogs I receive is Casual/Male XL, Big&Tall and Guitar Center. I’m thinking of canceling the Big&Tall as I am no longer big. Maybe they have a Medium&Tall catalog.
I also lost a pillow case with a VCR and camcorder in the early 90s.
The thief took a shit outside the window he smashed, to add insult to injury, I guess. I can still see him smiling while thinking “I’m taking your shit, and leaving mine behind…”).
The 8 mm camcorder we lost had some, ahem, nekkid fun with me and my 1st wife on it. I’ve never seen it pop up on the internet anywhere, tho.
In the end it was okay – insurance covered the $800 in repairs to the house, and due to the “full replacement cost” policy, we went out that Christmas and bought drastically improved electronica, to the tune of about $3K.
My sister lived with us last year and she gets all these weird catalogs for dog grooming stuff (her line of work). They still come in the mail by the handful – she’s been gone a year and we sometimes get more junk mail for her than real mail for ourselves.
The Victoria’s Secret catalog is kind of nice, except apparently the nipples are all air-brushed out – WTF?
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
Q: The difference between a good haircut & a bad haircut?
A: About 2 weeks
I get my haircut about twice a year, whether I need it or not( I usually need it, though)
Last time I tipped a little bit more because of the rat’s nest the poor girl had to deal with. I’m sure every time they see me approaching the shop doors they mutter under their breaths and go GRRrrrrrr.
Never been booglarized, but my poor, dearly departed Grandma was. She had been in the hospital and two teenage skank neighbor girls knew she was away.
They broke in, stole a ton of antiques, coins, cash, credit cards, checks. the whole 9 yards. If memory serves, the whole amount including the credit fraud was well over 20 grand.
I lived in an apartment in LA with storage over the carport.
Someone broke in to that and stole several boxes of books and yearbooks.Useless to anyone but me and gone forever. I hope a streetcar grows in that jerk’s stomach…slowly.
Knock on wood, I haven’t been burglarized. I came back to my college apartment after a weekend away from PGH one time to find the door smashed open but nothing was stolen. I figure someone was too drunk to find their apartment and their key wouldn’t work in my door so they smashed it down. Then probably had an “Oh Shit” moment and stumbled back through the door. At least no one took anything while it was wide open.
Catalogs: Cheaper Than Dirt (firearms stuff), Bass Pro Shops, that kinda stuff.
Have a good weekend, Surf Reporters! I can taste the cheap domestic beer in a can already…
Never a dwelling break in but I had a van that got the window smashed in for gain. They left the 10 dollars in pennies that they dumped on the floor and left the carton of Winstone but they took the 2 bucks in quarters from the console. I’m glad they didn’t find the portable bar under the couch!
The Musicians Friend catalog is eagerly awaited at my house.
Please, please never mention WVSR snuggies again. I almost started to cry.
About 10 years ago, living with my girlfriend. House broken into while we were at work. I got home first and what a weird feeling that is, to find your house ransacked and a lot of shit GONE. Only took Charleston P.D. around 2 hours to show up after I called. They even stole food out of the freezer. Most of the stuff taken belonged to me, large coin collection, camera, computer (that didn’t work LOL!!!), they even stole a car security system that I had and hadn’t installed it in my vehicle yet (how ironic?). We ended up filing a claim for around $6,000.
We came home one day to the boy’s entire Playstation and/ or X-Box collection missing with the back door open. Even with Jakki the Rottweiler inside. We still think it was one of his slightly skank friends–I’d be goddamned if I’d have a friend I couldn’t trust with my shit, I swear.
We promptly got an alarm system installed. Set it every time we left for a couple of years, then every now and then and now I can’t remember the last time I punched in the code. Maybe last year. But we still pay the monitoring fee. Makes me feel safer anyway.
It still creeped me out to think somebody was in my house when I wasn’t there going through my stuff.
Forgot this one – While @ a WVU game in Morgantown, some guy broke out the extended cab window in my truck, and before he could steal anything from inside, a bunch of fraternity guys, who were witnessing this from across the street, jumped his ass and turned him into the cops. One of the frat guys told me that a shit-faced guy came along after the breakin, put the tailgate on my truck down, sat on it, and proceded to puke all over the ground behind my truck. They went over to the guy, told him that my truck had been broken into and “advised” him that it probably would not be a good thing to be there whenever I got back. They said the guy got up, stumbled all over the place, fell down about 6 times, then staggered off into oblivion. Needless to say, it was a cold 150 mile drive back to Charleston that night.
I was broken into this past summer. The thieves were so stupid that it took them 20 minutes just to get inside, which gave my next door neighbor plenty of time to call APD. Did I mention it was broad daylight? After they got inside, they passed over my jewelry box and a $1500 camera, opting instead for a $200 television and the spare keys to the Charger. I still imagine them standing around muttering “Damn! This white bitch ain’t got nuthin.” Then, they found themselves trapped inside, seeing as how the back door is keyed on both sides and the window through which they entered was too far off the ground to jump. They exited through the front door, where Atlanta’s finest was waiting patiently for them. They are now in big boy jail, probably wishing that their own back doors were keyed on both sides.
I had a wallet stolen out of my back pocket once in Caracas. It was a family job, involving one sibling bending over at the top of an escalator pretending to pick up something he dropped, and consequently backing up the folks on the moving escalator behind him. The other sibling reached in for the wallet in my back pocket while the people bunched up, but I was aware of it, so I just followed the lil’ fucker as he walked of with his ‘family’ (even a mother figure involved). I grabbed the kid and confiscated my wallet back from him. I’m just glad I didn’t get a knife in my ass for recovering my wallet.
I also had various things stolen from me during my college years. A couple of domiciles I lived in were rather wide open, with many dozens of people regularly in and out. I guess people helped themselves to stuff of mine from time to time. I used to remind myself that “freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose”, and that actually soothed any hard feelings I ever had about it.
Hundreds of catalogs come to my house weekly. Out of all of them, only the REI catalogs are mine. That and Spackler’s Weekly. Man, I do love to spackle….
Holly, excellent story.
I went to buy a weed eater and some lawn furniture etc when I bought my first home. When they rang me up they forgot the weed eater. I realized this when i got home and wanted to take it back to pay for it but the guy who “Split the cost” with me said if i took it back that i would have to pay for the whole thing so i kept the accidentally stolen weed eater and it was taken from my garage before i even got to pit the 2 cycle oil in it. Hows that for Karma? the whole 10 years in that house i never could keep anything in my garage.
Amazon pays 5% of what we spend, just for going through a WVSR link?!?!?!?!?!? Holy fucking cow, I had no idea. I figured you might get more like 0.5%. I spend numerous thousands of dollars at Amazon each year, so I could keep you in free beer for life if I could remember to hit theWVSR before going onto Amazon.
I had my wheel chair stolen from a NASCAR race in Miami. My leg was broke and was is a chair for about a month. Pricks at the track could have gave a shat.
Please, PA-Lease stay away from the snuggie abortion. It realy wouldn’t be good for your “brand’
gtomy PS3 Net flicks thingme in today, very cool.
Never been burgled.
Love Archie McPhee, Soft Surroundings and In the Company of Dogs.
Happy Friday the 13th, Surfers! Have a great weekend!
This just in:
A personalized pep talk by Peyton Manning.
(Bad Haircut)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIafrkbZmmg
A couple I know got burgled in the mid-1990s. The pigfuckers took: 1) a broken camcorder; 2) a basket of change; 3) two bottles of wine; 4) ONE speaker from the stereo. The part that freaked them out was that they were home and asleep at the time, two parents and an infant.
My car was invaded one time on the street in Brooklyn. The bad guys saw the bracket and cord from my radar detector and went looking for it, but I had taken it inside. Luckily they didn’t steal or break anything else.
My very favoritest catalog in the whole wide world is McMaster-Carr, but they are right stingy with them. Malcolm, say it ain’t so! Victoria’s Secret with the nipples airbrushed out? That kind of defeats the purpose, yes? Why, I recall back in the ’80s… grumble grumble, these kids today…
Jeff, you may be pleased to know I just bought some electronics from Amazon through your link. 5% (seems like a lot) should be at least good for a few Yuenglings, possibly the better part of a case depending on taxes. And please, the “snuggie” is a Tool Of The Devil.
I’d hate to be the hillbilly getting caught by AWG. It was probably Ardna’s grandkid, you know, being the good christians they are.
Many cars been broken into. Last year on new years day I had left the car door unlocked (which I can do in my northern KY neighborhood most of the time) and they got the IPOD, GPS, and brand new XM radio which were all connected to the same power point. What is weird is they didn’t take the 3 twenties I had in the visor which they did go through.
When I lived in downtown Cincy I got my window busted probably 6 times.
Never had a house broken into, but Grandma did last year.
48 for a minimum order on the snuggification of america is a bit steep.
Mine would be:
I left my other Snuggie at your mom’s.
I was once burgled. ( Morrissey’s next album?)
Whoever did it stole my plug in broiler -remember them?- but left £30 and a 1/4 oz of really nice hash sitting on my coffee table, and they also took the time to scatter peanutson my kitchen floor. I think that they could’ve been as high as I was!!
I honestly can’t believe you tipped the hairdresser!!
While in college, my car was broken into for a jug that had 7 pennies in it. I had to pay big bucks to replace the window that was broken. Also in college, my apartment was broken into over the holiday break. Luckily, I had taken most of my stuff home with me, but not the stereo, which they took. They also looked through all my kitchen cabinets and even riffled thru my clothes closet.
In our old neighborhood, we never locked our car doors and both the Evil Twin and my car were gone through. They stole a pair of brass knuckles from my car – not exactly the type of thing you call the cops to report. Bastids!
Oh, and speaking of the snuggie, NDfaninAZ posted this on Twitter the other day. I’ve been laughing ever since:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y
Burgled? Ain’t gonna happen. Mean dog and mean wife. Have whopper of a security system including offsite CCTV. Plus, I only leave the house about 2 hours per week, don’t like people much. Neighbors know I am a gun nut. Wanna be suicided? Kick my door in. Wife shoots good, too. Even the local cops know I have an arsenal.
Did have my Navigator broken into about 2001, they took a huge stack of CD’s, a handful of change and a really nice switchblade. Still pissed about the knife.
Had a $600 leather jacket stolen right off the back of my bar stool at Al’s Diamond Cabaret several years ago. In the pockets were my cell phone, car keys, and a tortoise shell butane lighter. Had to call a cab to get home, but I was way too drunk to drive anyway. Car was still there the next day. I guess the asshole did not notice that he had my car keys in the coat until later.
Discussing break-ins on Friday the 13th is just asking for trouble. Why would you tempt the gods in that manner? Sheesh.
Got my favorite bike stolen out of my parents’ garage. People out here make fun of me for locking every window and door like a paranoid person. Yeah, a paranoid person who hasn’t been robbed in nearly twenty years (knock on wood).
When I was in high school, a friend of my mom’s had a car stolen out of her driveway. It turned out that said friend routinely left the keys in the ignition for convenience. As a city kid, my natural reaction was “of course it was stolen – what did you expect?”
I’m not altogether positive, but I’m pretty sure the manhood was ripped out of my body in the middle of the night sometime back in ’81 or so.
Ian the Errolite do you know anything about a place called Forres?
Brynhildr – Your not superstitious are you? (He asks as he is stepping on a crack while walking under a ladder in front of a black cat).
Burgled? I have never been. It’s impossible to say this word without an English accent…or is it just me? Pip pip cheerio and all that.
When I was 11 (1976) my bike was stolen from the local ballfield. I cried all night looking for it knowing I was going to get a serious whoppin when I told my parents. I was forced to pay for the bicycle ($27) and got the whoppin for not using the lock provided.
My Brother found my bike in an alley behind the town bully’s house and ‘stole it back’ for me. My parents kept my money anyhow. But the happy ending was that my cousin visting from the ‘wrong side of town’ tracked down the bully, called him out, and kicked his ass in front of a large crowd. I really enjoyed watching that old fashion street fight.
Had my apartment burgled a few years back. Stole my computer and accessories in addition to the $400 dollars I had withdrawn from the bank for new tires I was buying the next day. Awesome…
A couple days later, I found out they stole the spare key to my car as well. Until I moved almost a year later, I took out the main fuse every night. I figured thieves couldn’t be bothered finding a parts store to buy a new fuse. I never had the car stolen, so I guess it worked.
RNK, “burgle” is a shitty thing to have happen, but it’s one of those great English words. A burglar burgles, a butler buttles. Cheerio, or Rice Chek.
Labatt 50!
Only 49 comments to a Friday update, surely you jest?
Someone broke into my car many years back while I was in a bar. I’d left my big ol’ purse cleverly tucked under the front seat for safe-keeping and only carried in my ID, cash & lipstick.
I just did a little Amazon shopping via the Surf Report just last week, Mr. Kay. You’re welcome and I’ll let you know how fantastic Stephen King’s Under the Dome is when I get through it – 1000+ pages. I got a great deal on it. The pre-ship date price was $9! I had to get a book for the mister and one for the boy, too.
Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Super Athletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen
and
The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind
Labatt 50 is God!!!!!
@pagan, do you mean Forres the small town in northern Scotland? Believe it or not a high school buddy of mine lived outside that town for several years – his mom remarried an old Scottish coot and they relocated there from Barrington, IL. My friend said it was the end of the earth and the most boring place you cou….ZZZZZZ.
Sorry to Answer ahead of Ian the Errolite – I am curious about his take on the place if has one.
Jeff, Could I “borrow” the picture you have on the bunker cam? It makes me smile every time I look at it, and I’d like to use it on my facebook page for my profile picture.
Nothing like the sound of “shucking” a round into a shotgun to convince intruders to go elsewhere…..
The reply to that sound was …. “ohhh fuck dude, let’s get outta here”…….
Alice- Did you see the author of The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind on the Daily Show?? If not, go find the interview online. Classic!
Malcolm I was born there! But as my parents left when I was 2 I dont know the place at all! was thinking of taking the wife for a vacation this Summer but was hoping to find out more about the place!
Qweezy do they still sell 50? I havent seen that brand in years!!
Dogberryjr – I did see the interview and I saw a story about him somewhere else, too. He rocks! My son wants to be an inventor so bad so he’s getting this book for Christmas.
Ah, Forres.
‘Where the men are men, and the sheep are nervous’.
If I was you, I would split ‘taking my wife on vacation’ and ‘hoping to find out more about the place’ into two distinct sentences. Unless a divorce is on your agenda!
If you are going there, do it quickly.
A quick foray north from Edinburgh with an overnight stay around Inverness or Aviemore, then across to the west coast for better views, spending a night at Applecross or Plockton.
Thats my tip for today.
Though I hear Hawaii is also worth a visit.
Tilda Swinton lives near Nairn.
That bad huh? As long as Forres isn’t as hard on the eye as Tilda Swinton:)
Pagan, they still sell 50 in Canada.
thank the lord…and Jan…I can read thewvsr at work again. my work was blocking the site for the last few weeks or so, damn hackers.
can it be? can it be? YES! I can read thewvsr at work again, too! JOY! and I’m going to hit the ‘submit comment’ button now… (crossing fingers)
ta daaaa!
pagan- sadly, I have had erotic dreams about Tilda Swinton, dressed up as the White Witch from the Chronicles of Narnia.
You gotta admit she looked pretty hot in that get-up.
On IPOD right now- “Punk Rock Girl”- The Dead Milkmen”
Ms Swinton didn’t even attempt Hope Kurtz’s thick Texas accent in the movie “Strange Culture”.
I fully realize that no one who will read the preceding statement will have any idea what I am talking about on any level whatsoever. None.
Lee Harvey- oh yeah petri dishes, bioterrorism ridiculousness. I know what it’s all about. I never understood why Kurtz was charded with mail fraud. Saw the film in our local “art house” theater.
On IPOD right now- “Don’t Touch Me There”- The Tubes
Sorry, that would be “CHARGED” with mail fraud.
AWG – I was just listening to an Adam Carolla podcast and they talked at length about The Tubes, and – whaddya know – they were playing on your IPOD just about that same time. ~a weird little coincidence.
The Feds realized that they couldn’t effectively prosecute Steve as a domestic terrorist, but they were not willing to back off. As such, they needed a back-up charge (mail fraud) so that they could keep fucking with him. I suppose there’s a lesson there somewhere. Once the Feds decide they want a piece of your ass, they won’t let up until they get you. That being said, this will never survive the scrutiny of the U.S. court system. Unless, of course, I am wrong.
No Burgles in the house but I had a broken cassette player stolen out of my car once along with a bunch of really bad overdubbed cassettes.
Favorite catalogs:
Old Vermont Country Store
What on Earth
Cybeguys
Harbor Freight
I love the “I left my snuggie at your mom’s house.” There is actually a website devoted to people posting their snuggies…which is a little disturbing.
There are some pretty funny ones – my favorite is the “midriff” snuggie. It’s on snuggiehumor.com if ya care:)
someone tried break into our house , one rang our doorbell, while the other started kicking in our backdoor. we sent our german shepherd out……they ran like bitches.
nice.