A few observations, however…
Over the weekend we had a birthday party for the younger Secret. We’d previously made a vow to not engage in such a thing, ever again. But you know how the memory of pain fades over time…
A local skating rink sets up a dozen or so inflatable bounce houses, or moonwalks, or whatever you choose to call them. And the things are huge. One is probably two stories tall, and features a so-called slide that sends kids hurtling end-over-end in a terrifying free-fall. Yeah, it’s a slide like jumping off a bridge is a slide…
So, that’s where we (Toney) opted to hold this extravaganza, and I must admit, it wasn’t bad. I was braced for the worst, but got something a little better than that.
The ten or twelve hooligans wore themselves down to a smoldering nub, atop and inside the inflatable compound fracture chambers. So, by the time we had real interaction with them, they were sapped of most of their maniacal energy. It worked out well for everyone.
For fifteen dollars a head the kids got to play for an hour, and we had a “party room” for an additional sixty minutes. There, the younglings were served pizza, chips, and soda by the staff. We brought a cake (the only outside food allowed), and gift bags for everyone. It went remarkably well.
A few observations, however…
The party rooms are nondescript cinderblock affairs, and they tried to dress them up by splattering paint all over the walls, and hanging streamers from the ceilings. And the splattered paint, which was mostly red, made it look like a family had been hatcheted-up in there; it was like the scene of a grisly murder.
Festive!
And the cheese on that “pizza” adhered to my teeth like Super Glue. I’d never encountered such a thing. I asked Toney if she was having the same problem, and she couldn’t answer because she was struggling like a cocker spaniel with a Kraft caramel. I don’t know what kind of cheese that was, but have a feeling it was created in a laboratory somewhere. Probably New Jersey.
One kid gave the Secret a card with a gift certificate inside, and had drawn a bunch of stuff on the envelope. I pointed at a confusing rendering of an animal, and asked if it was a turkey or a chicken. And he said, “It’s a turkey, dummy. Can’t you see the gobble?”
Dummy?! I didn’t much care for that. And what the hell’s a gobble?
The whole place felt like one gigantic petri dish to me. I worry that I’m slowly turning into one of those freaky germophobes, who open doors with handkerchiefs, and perform complicated jujitsu moves in order to flush urinals with their feet. But I can’t help it. It’s a new paranoia coming into bloom.
Plus, the older Secret jumped the gun and handed out gift bags before we’d intended. Among other things there was a rubber ball inside each of them, and we didn’t want the kids playing with them until they were outside our jurisdiction. But, because somebody couldn’t follow the rules, projectiles were sailing through the air for the last ten minutes, and one ended up inside a pitcher of Sprite. Good times.
But overall, it turned out to be one of the better such parties we’ve experienced. Oh, we’ve hosted a few full-on fiascos in the past… I highly recommend the concept of wearing everyone out, before sitting down for cake. I really do.
Afterwards, the four of us went to Ret Lopster for dinner. The birthday boy was allowed to choose the restaurant, and he likes to deconstruct crab legs with tools.
As usual, I had the New York strip, since I don’t really care for crustaceans and creatures from the ocean floor… But this time it had a ribbon of fat running through it. It’s the first time I’ve had anything other than an excellent steak there; they’re usually shockingly good.
Also, I had a Sam Adams Winter Lager, and it wasn’t as kick-ass as I remember it from last year. It was only OK, instead of outstanding.
I didn’t say it out loud, but it seemed like everything was mildly disappointing during that meal. And I’m glad I kept it to myself, because everyone else seemed perfectly happy.
A few observations, however…
There was a party seated near us that featured a pair of breathtakingly ugly women. One had a white streak running through the middle of her hair, like a skunk, and was apparently wearing some sort of radical lift-bra. Her cleavage was riding high and exploding out the top of her shirt. Toney said it looked like she had them sitting on a shelf, and that pretty much sums it up.
I guess she was trying to compensate for the fact she had a face like former Speaker of the House Tip O’Neill? I just don’t know.
Behind them was another large party, with an older gentleman at the head of the table. And at one point the old guy slammed down his knife and fork, and yelled, “So what did I do now?! What did I do wrong this time?!?” He was screaming it, and caused the whole place to go silent.
Everybody else at the table shushed him, and he reared his head way back and shouted, “Jeeeesus Christ!” But I think they got him under control after that; there were no more outbursts.
And while we were leaving we walked past the hostess stand in the front of the restaurant. Several employees, all apparently teenagers, were standing there talking. When we passed by, one of them said, “…and he was totally wearing tighty-whities. I was so embarrassed!”
Yeah, I have no idea… We just went home, opened up a cuppa two tree Magic Hat Hocus Pocus ales, and gave thanks for it being over. The Secret had a good day, I think, and we walked away unscathed. Somewhat poorer, but unharmed.
And that’s a triumph, my friends.
Filed under: Daily
1ST? NO WAY?!
It’s true, Shelly… It’s true. Enjoy your frackin’ spotlight.
Dare I say 1st?!?
Rats! I knew it was too good to be true! I haven’t found the Sam Adams Winter yet this year, however I can atteest to the fine flavor of the Jubelale from Deschutes.
Ahem, now that I’ve gotten over that shock I can comment.
Jeff,
Your birthday party stories are always a hoot. I myself have 2 houligans about the same age as yours (but female) and can totally relate to your experiences. (We had a big SLUMBER PARTY this weekend for my youngest = no sleep for me).
Like you, I am also becoming more and more germophobic as I age. You are very lucky you have boys because when my girls were little they had to touch every surface in the restrooms with both hands. Talk about grossing me out … there wasn’t enough antibacterial soap in the world! I’ve made it a habit now to carry it with me everywhere and find it coming in handy almost every day!
Also no fan of seafood – lobster are the cockroaches of the ocean as far as I can tell.
Fourth!!!
Long Sleeve Shirts?
I am absolutely LOL at “struggling like a cocker spaniel with a Kraft caramel”!! Priceless visual imagery!
And today I’m getting nothing done!!
Top Ten, son!
Hello!
FIRST!
oh hell yes, FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After fiddling with PayPal for a half hour (and I even have an account), I finally got my shirt ordered. The design is VERY cool!
Allow me to offer the benefit of my experience…
Never, ever, under any circumstances compare your wife toa cocker spaniel. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have an itch in a body part that’s no longer there?
And I thought throwing balls into food ala Murphys Mart was the height of comedy.
My wife will be ordering my shirt shortly. It’s my christmas present, you see.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…….
Would love to stay and chat but my 4 o’clock appointment just showed up at 3:05.
And people wonder why I get so freakin’ pissed off sometimes………
slammed down his knife and fork, and yelled, “So what did I do now?! What did I do wrong this time?!?”
That sounds like great fun. Possibly for the Thursday list?
I’m going to do it next chance I get!
The man and I have vowed to never again consume Kid party food unless we are cooking it, no more Chuckie Cheeses, No more incredible pizza and Hell NO to the Pizza Planet at Disney World. Lesson learned. Partys NEVER happen at the house. Always at an away location, Next will be the Movie theater in an adjacent town showing the next kid flick, $2.00 a kid includes Popcorn and drink! Can’t even take the little freaking monsters to MCnastys for that. So yeah, lessons learned from kid parties usually leave scars.
Love, Red Mobster, Kids beg to go there. Bring on the biscuits!! Top 20!!
Top 600 – I **win**!
I don’t care for Sam Adams brew. I tried a wheat or something like that last year, and it wasn’t good. Their commercials show off their giant piles of hops, but to me it makes sucking on an arm pit seem appealing. If drinking beer that taste like an arm pit makes you a man, well then, I’m a blubbering vagina.
We rented an inflatable for my daughter’s last birthday. It had tunnel inside which led to a slide. And there was a basketball goal and some phallus like square things sticking up here and there. I squeezed myself inside before everyone showed up, but when I tried to get up the tunnel to the slide I could feel it going all lopsided under my weight. So I gave up.
No pic of skunk lady? That’s a shame!
“worry that I’m slowly turning into one of those freaky germophobes,”
Ummm….slowly?
I got nuthin’. Shitty day – Update made me smile, though. Thanks, Jeff!
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
Did I forget to mention that I’d like long sleeve shirts?
We once rented “the bouncy house” for our kid’s birthday party. The rental company came Friday afternoon, put it up, and came back Tuesday morning to take it down. It was $175, the kids were in it constantly, and it was the best money we spent.
well, not only was Mr. 4 o’clock almost an hour early, he was as pleasant as contracting tuberculosis or having bleeding hemorroids.
I’ve had enough of this work shit for one day. If anyone needs me I’ll be at the bar.
Until then, my fellow Surf Reporters….
I’m outta’ here
You put your balls in a pitcher of Sprite?? Now that must have gone over well… Sounds like something Oral would do…
I believe the turkey’s gobble is that goofy hunk of skin hanging under it’s head.
A friend of mine calls crabs “spiders of the ocean”, and not in a complementary fashion. I suppose it’s good to be repulsed by a food that costs so much.
Catching bits and pieces of conversations out of context can be amusing.
I was walking down the street in London a couple months ago with some friends. A woman was approaching us from the other direction on her cell phone, apparently listening to someone talking on the other end. Right as she is passing us, she YELLS into the phone “Well you’ve sure got a big one, don’t ya?” We all busted up laughing.
Good times.
Now back to my delicious icy cold Milwaukee’s Best. I’m not sure what I’m going to do if the rat bastards at Rite Aid keep raising the price on my elixer o’ sanity.
GAWD! Yall call lobsters and crabs “roaches” and “spiders” and whatever. Thank you for ruining my life. I’ll never be able to eat another sea roach for as long as I live. Seriously.
“There was a party seated near us that featured a pair of breathtakingly ugly women. ”
Now that just leaves me speechless. I went to The Dead Lobster and caught the last day of the Endless Shrimp Festival and had a $4 off coupon. Jeff, thanks for leaving a few more shrimp for me to devour. I love those little sea bugs, specially the scampi variety. And I hear you got to see a couple bald headed men fighting. What a day you had!!!
D….Rite Aid sells beer,….the hell you say? Why on Gods green earth would you drink Beast…isn’t that strictly for high school kids to chase down their Boones?
Kids birthday parties are a giant pain in the arse. Even for us “other adults” who are invited without kids of our own. See, I have to put up with all the crazy kid nonsense as they run amok, but since none of them are mine, I’m not allowed to smack any of them for being little bastards. Powerless…so I always make sure my flask is ready for these such occasions. I little Jack in my free skating rink coke does me just right.
I love me some crablegs and shrimp, but haven’t stepped foot in a Red Lobster in a decade. The one here in Hunstville scares me. It’s old as hell, a bit on the “dingy” side, not in a great area, and the Chinese buffet next to it got shut down for serving cat.
If I decide I have to have crablegs RIGHT NOW, I go to the grocery store and have some steamed. Otherwise, I just wait for my quarterly trips down to the Florida panhandle to eat the good stuff.
Red Lobster, yes.
Lew In Bama, you can attest to this. Drive by Red Lobster in Huntsville one evening and take a gander at the “security guard” sitting on the bench outside the door. He’s 70 or 80 years old and at least 300 pounds. I don’t know who in the hell he’s supposed to be stopping – or from what. Maybe that particular Red Lobster has been robbed? Who ever heard of such?
Jason – the crusties are the ocean bottom clean up crew. Thats why I prefer the shrimp, they stay in the middle and eat the plankton.
Jason-
Really? I hate to make it worse, but yeah, crabs are basically giant sea dwelling spiders. Lobsters are insects too.
Divers in Floida who go after lobsters when they’re in season call it Bug Hunting.
There’s t-shirts and everything.
Jorge,
You couldn’t make it worse. I’m ruined. And I liked crab and lobster. But thanks for being considerate. And I used to eat crayfish or crawdads too. Until one time in Lake Charles, LA they tried to get me to “suck the head”. Blech!
Red Lobster has a security guard? Really?
Is someone stealing the lobsters out of the tank in front?
Shiny Rod,
I guess I’ll go back to what my mother always encouraged. She called lobsters and crab and shrip “scavengers” and would only eat fish that had scales. I think it goes back to Biblical teachings. But, you know, it says it’s okay to eat certain bugs. And I’m not down with that. And I recently added “sea bugs” to that list. Bastards.
Lew in Bama,
Just drive by there one night. Let me know what you think. I’m telling you, 70 or 80 years old and at least 300 pounds.
Have you been to “Nuke’s” on University? Those places downtown (chop house, and whatever) are overrated. But I hear they’re opening a “Melting Pot” at Bridgestreet.
All this talk of undersea bugs has me jonesing for my favorites – chesapeake bay blue crabs!!!
I once ate 24 of them while my left arm was immobile due to surgery. Good times.
Here’s some more pleasant thoughts for crabs/robster eaters – they are indeed the sanitation engineers of the sea, and as such dispose of ALL sea waste…….bodies……hospital waste….. nice eh?
but oh so tasty!!!
shrip = shrimp
Have you ever had a softshell crab poboy? I was so excited when I was able to get one because I’d seen it on TV and whatnot, but I was so disappointed when I actually tried it. Those things are nasty, bay-beee.
Jason, that how you eat mud bugs, bite the tails and suck the heads. Take it from a relocated cajun. And I like my clams steamed in beer (best thing to do with budwieser) and my oysters on the half shell with a little hot sauce and an ice cold Fosters.
Shiny Rod,
Suck the heads? Really? You’re one of THEM! Good Lord. I guess I like to have my food very far removed from its original form. When I first moved to Alabama I went to a little cafe and ordered catfish (as it was the special of the day) and they brought me an honest to God fish that had been separated from its guts and deep fried – and that is all. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t eat a fish that was anything but filleted. With those eyeballs looking at me and that tail sticking up, wow.
I can’t eat anything that still has it’s face attached.
Jason, if you evar in the cajun country gen. Don’t eat at dim artsy fartsy places. U cum on down hare to da bayou and if de place look like it be held up wit chew nales. You at de rite place. Excuse my cajun, it comes out every now and then and start out with an oyster or shrimp po’boy them once you think you like em, then you can graduate to the more exotic stuff like soft shell crab, turtle or gator.
Brandy! HEY!
Shiny Rod,
You know about coonasses? That’s what we call them. I’ve been in several resturants in LA and it was like being in a foreign country. I couldn’t understad a word. “Coonass”, that’s not a derogatory term is it? I don’t know. We did a lot of work in LA during the 90’s and I spent a considerable amount of time down there. The people are great. Everyone thinks that LA produces more than its fare share of nuts. Not so. I think Kentucky holds that title. Every man that I’ve ever met who is from Kentucky is a maniac.
fare, fair, whatever. We need spell check on here.
TONY S. I live west of Cleveland. Thanks for the great recommendation for the beer joint in Lakewood. Looks awesome! How about that “Fatty Melt” ? WOW.
My son cooks up some great sammitches over at “Melt” in Lakewood on Detroit. They have an ultra extensive beer listing there and some of the best grilled sandwiches I ever had. Check them out some time. I can’t wait to get the delerium tremons on draft where you recommended!
The Beast. My stomach gurgles at the thought.
Fuck Lobster. Stone Crab Claws!
Hi Jason! You know why carnival food is so good? Because none of it has a face on it.
I recently went camping with some buddies, including a friend from Louisiana. Our campsite was right next to a spring-fed river and had these nasty little crawfish all in the bottom… well, in the middle of the night mr. cajun went into this river, which we had been tubing in earlier (along with several hundred toothless rednecks) and somehow caught himself a bucket full of them – boiled (or as he says “booold”, although I cant really phonetically type out how he says it) them up over the campfire and ate them – headsucking and all. F’ing gross. He had a little song to go with it…
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I had pee’d in the river earlier that day.
You know what’s fun, when you’re talking to a genuine cajun-ite (?) refer to it as a crayfish. They get all crazy. Shiny Rod, do you concur?
I know crabs are bottom feeding sludge suckers….but I LOVE them so!
My mom’s a germaphobe and she passed it on to me. I’m definitely skilled in the delicate art of commodal kickboxing.
Lew in Bama,
Hell yeah Rite Aid sells beer up here! No one can touch their prices on 30-pak’s of the good stuff. By good stuff of course I mean Milwaukees Best, Busch, and occasionally Natural Light. When I’m not trying to stock up my fridge, I usually get 6-ers of tall cans, preferably PBR, but Busch will suffice.
I think I developed a taste for the stuff back in high school, and never outgrew it. I’m not so much of a fan of ice beers any more, not worth the headache.
And yes, I’ll still occasionally pick up a 40oz of something really classy and sit down and drink it.
I’m salivating thinking about a 40 of Hurricane Ice right now.
That steak you had at Red Lobster was covered with Germs from the chick with the push-up bra. When you were distracted by the ‘loud mouth fork slammer’ she put your steak between her ‘melons’ and took two deep breaths.
if all you motherfuckers were TRULY hungry, you’d fuckin’ eat it.
Christ, it’s bad enough I leave work in a foul mood, but once I get home, and try to find some relief in updated levity, I stumble across the Shiny Rod and Jason Show discussing the merits of finer dining.
Fish with the head on? It’s still fish……….
Oysters, mussels and claims filter shit water 24/7 and they are still delicious with drawn butter, horseradish and hot sauce.
Crab and Lobster? Bring that shit on and pass me a dry towel while I get my feed on.
Oh……
Apologies to everyone, all around.
Sorry. Pardon my mini-outburst……. mea culpa
Back to the topic of juvenile birthday parties……
now that both my secrets are 20 and 15 respectfully, the days of the hell raising , hell bent birfday parties are over.
I’ve suffered through several where I’m surprised the parents retrieving their younglings from said soiree didn’t find me outside, slumped against the wall of “Happy Fun-Land”, bleeding fatally from self inflicted lacerations imposed upon the basilic and cephalic veins.
(Google it)
i worked at happy times family fun center in warrenton PA for 2 weeks that places sucked !!! (to work at)
it had a 4 story hamster like tubular play thing, an indoor go-cart track, video games, skeeball,all kinds of fun stuff for kids. It served pizza with plastic (?) cheese on it and PB&J sammies in small 12X12 cells that we had for parties.
I hated working there, but I loved playing in the hamster tubes !
Brandy,
You’re so right about carnival food, and I know you love it (right?) My third rule is that if someone with several missing teeth hands me something on a stick I’m eating it. It’s a rule that has served me well. My first rule is that I don’t do autographs. Nobody has ever asked, but if they do, I’ll say, NO! My second rule is going to stay tucked into my pocket until another day.
And you don’t have to try to spell it. I know just what you mean. “boy-elled” or some shit like that. I’ve heard it a lot of times. Damn coonasses.
JCIII,
You’re usually so calm, so I was shocked by your outburst. Nevertheless, I have thick skin. Take it out on me if you want. I just want you to feel better. But I must say, I refuse to eat sea roaches from this day hence. Refuse!
I guess I’ll be the last poster for a while. I’d like to pick on Cajuns, if it’s okay with nobody.
Jesus Christ, Cajuns, you eat bugs that have been in a river of piss and things of that nature. You’re barely house trained! Sucking heads and whatnot – the very idea! Stopit! Just stopit! For God’s sake!
JCIII,
I think you might be a closet cajun. Stop that! Find Jesus.
Just kidding. I get a kick out of saying absurd and offensive things. Makes me happy.
Micky Mouse sells paint. Did yall know that? Doubt it. But rilly, he does. I have a dozen or so samples from Home Depot. Check it out. It’s Disney by Behr. And the samples are stickers. God, kill me because what else is there?
“struggling like a cocker spaniel with a Kraft caramel. ”
Priceless!
In the “on the road” days we had a mascot cocker spaniel named “Roadie”. He was a big fan of Peanut Butter, this dog would make Gene Simmons look toungless. Roadie probably could have licked his ass without turning his head.
well i WAS first. the counter said ‘zero’. i posted and the counter said ‘one’. then suddenly im bumped down to friggen, what; 32? well fine then. just…..fine.
all I can say is I’m glad mine are well past the age of needing to engage in the whole lucullan birthday ‘mommy one-upmanship’ extravaganza thing. GOD how i hated it. cooling your heels for an hour with a bunch of broads in sweater sets with not thought one in their heads that didn’t involve television or their precious angels….while the precious angels themselves screamed themselves into pre-verbal hysteria in the ball pit. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I agree with Juancho about stone crab legs being superior to lobster. In a former career, I worked on a lobster boat out of Islesford, Me., and had all the free lobster I cared to eat, but I came to appreciate the stone crabs that occassionally stumbled into the traps as possessing a superior quality of bottom feeder flesh. But those bad boys were harder to handle than lobbies and could leave scars on your hands if they managed to give you a crusher claw handshake. Locals said the old-timers used lobsters exclusively for fertilzer.
Totally agree that kid b-day parties should happen anywhere NOT at home. The current classic is the movie and pizza party, which has the added bonus of the kids being in a dark place confined to their seats for 90+ minutes.
Had a friend who, every year, had gigantic parties for her kids. She would have some monstrous fun attraction in the yard (bounce house, RENTED ponies, whatever), have a dozen pizzas delivered, and show the adults where the beer cooler was. There’d be about 20 kids running around yelling and sweating, and a bunch of happy Moms and Dads hanging out swilling brews. Proof that beer makes EVERYTHING better.
PS – Meant to say that the one exception to the ‘no parties at home’ rule was that one friend. Everyone else I knew back in the day of young kids’ parties opted for McDs or Chuckies as a means of staying sane. It’s worth the money to get out of having to do all that damage control at home.
I’m going to get a cookie cake at the mall. That’s the plan.
Jason, would you pick me up one, too?
I remember the good old days when we would get an update everyday in a timely manner. Those were good times.
I was just wondering if I’d mentioned that I think a WVSR long sleeve shirt would be a nice addition to my wardrobe.
Tadpolegal – Mine as well! Can’t have too many long-sleeved WVSR tees, now can we?
Oh wait. We don’t have ANY, because they don’t come that way. Thus, I am sad.
“she couldn’t answer because she was struggling like a cocker spaniel with a Kraft caramel…”
Priceless! I smear a hunk of peanut butter on my dog’s nose from time to time just for the entertainment. Well….not really, he’s pretty spoiled and he enjoys the heck out of it too…
tiff-
Maybe if we asked Jeff REALLY NICELY to check into
the situation he would oblige…
Jeff- buddy, ole pal what do ya think?
If you upload the new shirt artwork to cafepress, you can get it on just about anything you want… wvsr thong underwear even!
Give it up Tadpolegal – my lobbying for a pocket-T has been for naught.
I need some new thong underwear. I’m starting to wear these fishnet thong underwear out.
where the hell is Charley West???
Most cell phones are designed to be power cycled daily(turn off for 20 seconds and turn back on) this helps them download updates and most likely log your curent location as well as what your doing ( remember those things the old timers would make you go blind) anyhoo, if the phone doesnt get a rest after some time they tend to develop errors such as keeping display lights on and other non power saving functions that are supposed to happen on the regular. the shirts look great! i will have to pick up some OT and get me one. if your interested in price comparison for longsleeves/hoodies etc check out http://www.loiterink.com/, the owners name is Mike and hes a great guy who is building this thing from the ground up down in colorado springs. Also, do you plan on producing any WVSR banana hammocks? how about speedos? I am planning my summer wardrobe so please do tell.