A Most Disgraceful Lameness
Today I planned to write about my memories of the school locker room. None of them pleasant, I might add. But I’m not going to be able to do it. I’m walking into the forest this afternoon with my box of Little Debbies, and won’t reemerge until Saturday.
Feel free, however, to post your disturbing stories. Do you have any memories of getting “dressed” for gym, back during the (full-body shiver) mandatory shower days? Good god…
And once that subject has run its course, I’m sure the Angry White Guy will step to the plate with something new.
I was able to squeeze out a mockable today, and you can read it here. If you haven’t been visiting that site on a regular basis, please check out some of the recent posts. There’s some funny stuff there.
Sorry for this disgraceful lameness. I’ll be back on Monday at the latest. Have a great week. And if you hear about a fat man being brutally mauled by a bear in Pennsylvania, please say a little prayer.
See ya later.
Filed under: Daily
Should we wish you good luck or break a leg or something?
OMG I’m 1st !
Dammit !
No real story but in my gym class locker room I was known as a “grow’er and not a show’er” and still am !
Top Ten!!! The locker room sucked and we had a pervy gym teacher…not a good experience overall.
In the voice of the Comic Book Guy…Worst Update Ever! Just kidding (sort of), break a leg and keep your little debbies stored in your yurt as high as possible.
Oh I hated locker rooms and still do, just too damn shy. Not to mention you never knew when bad things were going to happen. When I was playing Jr. High football as a 7th grader, one of the 8th graders “borrowed” a classmates shampoo, when he was finished with it he topped it off with piss! Kept an eye on my shampoo after that.
I was born late enough to avoid mandatory gym showering. Just a quick change of clothes, undies stay on thank you very much. Of course, in my drunken twenties, I would whip it out at the slightest request.
How do the weak minded, easily offended, liberal kids of today prepare for gym class? Or has gym been eliminated for computer lab?
we were told it was mandatory and no one did it… except maybe athletic girls that were used to it. not me, no way. i get enough stare downs and insults. like i need naked body reviews too.
Top ten? Heeewack!
Locker room stories, hmmm. All I remember is junior high school where half the guys had pubes and half didn’t – man, if there was Rogaine back then I know several guys who would have been rubbing it in (heh heh) by the bucketload every night to get things growing. I felt sorry for them, even though it wasn’t an issue for me.
And there was always some guy staring at everyone’s equipment…awkward with a capital A.
Gym Class- 1973- 1st class of the year. Coach K, a legend in his own mind, tells us all to shower after a quick game of dodgeball. There were about 20 showers available for a class of about 40 students, and we had about three minutes to get it over with. Basically, instead of waiting for an open shower, I stepped into a shower already occupied by someone to catch the “runoff”. since a wet head is what they checked you by to determine that you performed the “shower with other dudes ritual.” Coach K started screaming to his kiss ass assistant, 9th grader CRAIG FOGELSON, that’s right CRAIG, I am calling you out, that “Hey look, Craig, there are guys showering together in here!!!!” To which he repied, “Can’t help it coach, there must be a few meat gazers in here!” We had like three fucking minutes to get to the next class. I realized at that time that Coach K liked watching young men shower, since he was standing in the doorway watching us all, and CRAIG FOGELSON was a fucking queer. Always tried to get into the showers first after that.
So, Coach K, if you read this, I hope you have found the young man of your dreams, and CRAIG FOGELSON, who always harrassed me through that year, I will split your skull, if ever given the chance. fucking blonde haired faggot.
ON IPOD right now- “Emotive”- A Perfect Circle.
The locker room was fine, it was outside where things got a little dicey. The favorite thing for some of the more knuckle dragging fellas in my 7&8th grade gym classes was to come running up from behind someone and open-hand slap the back of your thigh. Bad enough on a September morning, but when the temperature dropped (and oh, yeah, we were taking gym outside deep into December), it stung worse than a hive of yellow jackets.
My gym teacher in 9th grade was a little on the “kookie” side. She used to tell the girls in my class, “Check your panties girls. Make sure nothing’s hanging out!” before she’d let us leave the locker room in our shorts.
It always made us laugh because we thought she had us confused with the boys.
Then one day someone finally got up the courage to ask her why she would tell us that every day.
She told us about her own personal locker experience when she was in school.
She said that back in the day before they had the stick on kind of menstrual napkins, they had to use belts and pads with long ends that were threaded into the belts.
One day as she was changing into her gym clothes, one of the loops on her napkin belt broke, leaving her sanitary napkin dangling out the back of her gym shorts.
She said she wasn’t aware of it but how in the beer bottle hell can you NOT notice something like that?
Anyway, it was pointed out to her by the sound of laughing, gagging, gasping and even a little praying as she passed a group of students on the gym floor.
Now tell me this…if something like that had happened to you, would you decided to grow up and become a gym teacher?
Oddly enough, I don’t remember much about showering in gym class except for the fact that the teacher’s office was way up high with a window overlooking the showers….and that both of the teachers were incredibly butch lesbians. No one cared.
Happy Wednesday, Surfers!
We didn’t have to shower in Snalbins in the mid to late 70s. The shower stalls were filled with athletic equipment. I remember a big kid giving another kid a wedgie while standing on one of the benches. The kid’s underwear ripped in the crotch and they ended up wrapped around his chest. “the dangler”.
Have you ever laughed so hard that you had real trouble breathing? It was one of the funniest things I ever saw. Both parties involved had a look of total shock on their faces and everything was silent for about 3 seconds then, pandemonium
At my Middle School in the mid-’70s, when a kid wanted to play organized after-school sports (football, basketball, baseball, whatever), the school required that the kids get “physicals” before the season. These physicals were provided by a doctor contracted with the school, whose name was Dr. Buck (I kid you not). He was an old guy, at least in his 60s. And the physicals are not what a normal doctor today would think of as a physical, such as checking blood pressure, listening to lungs and heart, doing tests on blood and urine. No, Dr. Buck’s physicals consisted of one thing and one thing only — feeling the boys’ testicles while the boys coughed. Supposedly this tests for whether the guy has a hernia, but why would checking for hernias be such a big deal that no other test are performed? I bet in all the years Dr. Buck performed these exams on thousands of kids, he never found one hernia. Buy why, you may ask, am I reporting this when Jeff asked about locker room experiences? Well, I’ll tell you. Because these physicals took place in the Boys locker room, out in the open, with all the boys lined up wearing only their underpants, and Dr. Buck sitting on a chair in a corner of the locker room, with two or three gym teachers also sitting around pretending to be reviewing papers, but actually watching the whole thing out of the corners of their eyes. When a kid reached the front of the line, he would have to drop his undies to his knees, and Dr. Buck would grab a testicle, say “cough,” the kid would cough, and then the same thing would be repeated with the other nut. And every other kid waiting in line is watching the whole thing, seeing every kid’s wiener. And remember, this was in Middle School when, as someone else noted above, half the kids have pubes and half don’t (and half the kids have man-size wieners and plum-size nuts, while the other half have vienna sausages above a pair of pistachios). I’m sure there were many kids who would have loved to play an after-school sport, but who didn’t simply because they refused to go through this humiliating exercise. And I’m also pretty darn sure that Dr. Buck was a pervert and enjoyed seeing and feeling adolescent nutsacks (same goes for the gym teachers who would gather to watch).
Man, oh, man, how times have changed in just the past 30 years. Could you imagine this happening today? Amazing.
Swami-Now that you mention it we had to get physicals also and part of the physical was the nutsack/cough routine, thankfully it was at your family doctor and included the normal physical routines not just nut fondling.
I remember the line up for the nut grab caugh routine. Was it always some old codger sittin on a chair? For us it was mandatory for every student, only way to avoid was to have one from your family doc.
My seventh grade year, we didn’t have to shower but you did have to cake deodorant on and the gym teacher would “smell check” you as you left the locker room. I saw my first Right-Guard fireball in there. On one occasion I flunked a smell test and was sent back and I walked in on a guy with a rubber strap around one arm and a hypodermic needle in his teeth holding a spoon and cooking something in it over a cigarrette lighter. He shot me a look that said DEATH, of course me being the sheltered little hayseed that I was, I had no idea what he was doing, but I sensed it was evil, so I just kept my mouth shut and went on about my business. I later figured out that he was shooting heroin in the 8th grade.
We never had to shower after gym class. In fact, I don’t remember having a gym class past elementary school. I would say some of these stories is a very good indication why locker room showers faded out in the mid-80s. Pervy or not, adults with full access to naked children is just asking for trouble.
I loved having 7th period PE in high school. It was all athletes, do you remember that Jeff & AWG……oops, you weren’t in there. The guys were the athletes of hte season , and the girls were all cheerleaders. If we had a game that day, we left early, so no 7th period!!! If there wasn’t a game, sometimes we praticed, sometimes, well we gossiped! You know girls!
Hell we had to get the nut sack physicals before we went to Boy Scout camp, too.
Bumblebee, I had 7th period gym in 11th grade. During senior year, (I think you were in 11th grade then) I was at my job, since I had enough credits to graduate, and did not have to attend 6th or 7th period.
You’re not married to Craig Fogelson(g) by chance, are you?
On IPOD right now- “Rooster”- Alice in Chains
I got the nut sack physical too but I don’t remember him actually grabbing balls. I think he just jammed his finger into your nut sack and made you cough. He was also an old man but he had a hot little nurse and we were always afraid she’d give us a boner before we went in to stand in front of the old man sitting in a chair.
Our football coach dragged a stool into the shower with him. I never really got that. We had big open showers with shower heads sticking out every couple of feet. The only horror story I can remember was when these two guys (I’ll only use first names to protect the guilty) Charlie and Tommy were sitting on the floor on opposite walls of the shower yelling out girl names. I went in because they were laughing and immediately noticed that they were both fully erect, jacking off. They asked me to sit down and join them but I left. I thought they must be queers, sitting there watching each other jack off. Otherwise how could they have gotten it up?
They’re both married with children now but I always bring it up when I see one of them in Texas. They both get pissed off, but hey, they were the ones jacking off in front of each other. I’ll never ever let them forget it either. Goddamn faggots.
kevindust, what’s wrong with computerlab?
when i was in highschool i got to take bowling instead of gym. i wasn’t going to do the whole lockerroom naked parade bullshit.
a little too homoerotic for me….
we used to get high/drunk behind the alley and at the bus stop… i touched my first boob there…. good times…
i remember crying when they tore down the old alley and put up trackt housing. crappy little townhouses… now there’s only a couple of alleys in my home town…
Yall member that Sopranos episode where that fat little goth boy shit himself while in the shower?
Then again, who HASN’T shit themselves in the shower?
and all of those alleys are bowiling snob havens…
wtf?
i just wanna drink a tcouple beers, bowl, have fun!
I am a vapor, I am a leaf on the wind and then…I am gone.
You feeling okay today Shiny?
Hey, we had that same “physical” humiliation when I was in middle school. 200 awkward teenaged boys sitting around in their tighty whities waiting for their turn to be jiggled. I remember that there was no such provision for the girls. Maybe they had to go to their own doctor. Which reminds me, what about the scoliosis checks?? Remember those? Surely they don’t conduct those en masse these days, right?
AWG, that sounds about right. I loved it, there were never any teachers around to moniter anything going on. Once or twice a semester Mrs. Crum would make an appearance just to tell us all something. That was the best class I ever had at DHS!!!
WB in OH – Hell yeah, just being poetic.
Okay SR, just checking, seemed a little off topic but go for it, Jeff left us on our own for a few days so anything goes! (except politics, religion, illegals, health care reform, moon landing conspiracy theories, JFK/Oswald conspiricies and chili)
and beefaroni
God Almighty, yall aren’t leaving us with much to talk about. We’ve got more than 4 days you know. ;o)
That just leaves porn and the weirdest place you ever had sex.
Actually I would like to ask a question. I’m a big History Channel nerd. They hit the December 21, 2012 end of the world stuff pretty hard. Based on all the possible theories thrown out about how the world will end, which way do you think is mostly possible? Never mind that people have been predicting the end of the world since the beginning of the world. What’s going to do us in? Solar flair? Comet? A fat man in PA imploding and turning a yurt into into a black hole?
I’ve never been a big fan of group showers and always found it strange that the guys in high school most likely to exhibit homophobic behavior were the same ones most likely to be found all steamed up and naked in a communal shower. The statement “methinks thou dost protest too much” frequently came to mind.
Following high school I was in the Army Reserves for a few years. The group showers were something I was accustomed to, however one year we went down to Grayling Michigan to do some joint exercises with the U.S. Army and we were less than thrilled to find that the barracks featured group toilets. Rather than take a “when in Rome approach” we decided to have one man only policy except during peak hours, during which “sitting down” was forbidden.
In a related story, my high school had many students who were on the local Junior B hockey team and they always brought their own brand of bizarreness to the table. One fall rumors spread of a rookie party and a ritual known as “the soggy biscuit” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soggy_biscuit). I’ve always found it ironic that as a group these guys would have made life hell for anyone even accused of being gay, never mind any one who was openly so (a rare thing in the mid-80’s), but had no problem watching or (presumably) participating in the soggy biscuit ritual itself.
For me the world will end as soon as I die. Or if the sun burns out, then we’re fucked.
No mandatory showers when I was in school, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t any humiliation in the locker room. Bad enough that I was the first girl in my class to have to wear a bra and was subjected to the curious stares of the flat-chested as I changed into my short-shorts and tiny t-shirt. I also have a very clear recollection of the day I got my first period, which appeared suddenly in full force during gym class. Not being acquainted with the sensation, I was unaware that anything had happened but found out soon enough as I was changing back to my regular clothes and heard a loud, “Ooooh, you bleedin’ all ovah yo-self” and turned around to see the rudest, most despised girl in the school pointing her finger squarely at my crotch. She then announced her discovery again, this time adding numerous snorts and loud cackles for emphasis, just in case there was someone in the locker room who hadn’t heard her the first time. I was all of 12 years old.
Jeezum Crow, soggy biscuit… one time in my life where premature ejaculation would come in handy.
Jason,
Don’t worry, AWG will post something tomorrow to stir the pot.
Brynhildr,
It’s nice how life imitates art isn’t it?
RNK…
As for the Mayan Calendar thing, that calendar was created 5,000 years ago. I figure they got to 2012 and just said fuck it…that’s far enough.
Have the Swiss fired up that super collider thingie yet? I just have this horrible feeling one of those cheese-eating assholes is gonna mutter ‘Uh-Oh’ and that will be the start of some major planet-suckage.
RNK,
I wouldn’t put a lot of faith in the Mayan calendar thing. It’s hard to have much faith in their prophecies when they missed events like “Spanish colonization” and the collapse of their own culture.
Tyrosine – I am decidedly not worried about the world ending in 2012. However, I do like the drama of it. I can’t help but hear the tune dun…dun…dun whenever it’s mentioned. If anything the world will end in 10 years or one month after I have my student loans paid off.
Didn’t anybody flip their towels in the locker room at each other? We would often flip our towels, like a whip, hoping the corner would hit someone with a sharp sting! I thought I’d try it once, after watching everyone else and my first, and only attempt, was a perfect bulls-eye. I wasn’t really aiming, but the corner of my towel made a loud snap as it hit the guy across from me right on the tip of his weiner! I must have got him good because he bent over like he’d been kicked there. That’s the best locker room story I’ve got.
Having a salad, a beer and Roy Orbison. I am a vapor, I am a leaf on the wind and then…I am gone
Tyrosine – I’m trying to figure out what art my life was imitating there. Oh and the rude girl….She was a complete bully who looked for any opportunity to kick someone’s ass. I heard stories that she once slapped a teacher, but since there were no eyewitnesses…. She gave birth to her first child at 14 and was sent off to the special school across town for unwed mothers — right next to the school for juvenile delinquents, which meant that the bad boys had convenient access to the easy girls. (Or maybe the school administrators just wanted to scare some sense into the delinquents by having the pregnant girls parade around outside. Dunno.) Rude girl dropped out of school as soon as she was allowed to, and had two more children by the time she became a legal adult. I think she topped out at 6 children in all, only two of which share the same father, I believe. Lifelong single mother and public assistance recipient. Looks like a total tweaker these days, but maybe it’s just because she became a grandmother in her early 30′s. How is that for life imitating art?
Jeff sure as hell left us a slow topic.
If he was going to leave for 4 days the least he could have done was given us something to play with.
AWG…I know you got something……
Brynhildr – Sounds more like justice was served…
We had this guy named Steve K, name abbreviated to protect his modesty. He actually had the hairless quarter incher.
One day, I was watching Howard Stern as he had a small dick contest. SK could have won it with a full-blown hard-on. it saddens me to think on the poor boy. I hope he found a very tiny woman, and that they are happy as brother and sister can be.
Greg
PS: Reds, you failed us. You cannot have a winning season. B. Phillips’ 20-20-20 is cool, but I want a better team, or I expect you to lose every game you play. One way or the other.
SR – I like to think of her as a cautionary tale and the recipient of every bullet I somehow managed to dodge. Seeing her around town is like watching Cops – makes you realize your life doesn’t suck nearly as much as you thought it did. And all the stupid things you’ve done in your life? Well, they pale in comparison.
On the other hand, I wonder what she thinks when she sees me. Does she even recall the locker room incident? Does she remember spitting on my brand-spanking-new Nikes in the 7th grade? Is she laughing inside remembering how she ripped my favorite Shaun Cassidy t-shirt as I was running for my life when she came out swinging one day after school? Perhaps someday I’ll get close enough to ask, though I was taught to never make eye contact with an aggressive dog.
Bryn I’m thinking any sense of decency or remorse she might have towards you is being overruled by a strong sense of entitlement. She was entitled to treat you and anyone else like the proverbial doormat. Just as now she is entitled to collect whatever public assistance she can get. She’s probably raising the next batch of gutter trash to be collect their entitlement as well. No excuse, but I bet she had one shitty childhood.
Brynhildr _ I was never one to tease or torment anyone but I also wouldn’t allow the bullies to tease kids who were not able to defend themselves. This always put me on the outside of the social rings.
I look back at some to the kids who I had fights with. Most are now in jail or dead from there own stupidity. The one girl who did me wrong in high school ended up with half a dozen babies by the time I went into the Navy. I am glad now she did what she did. I had to run for life one day because some asshole came after me with a gun. He was later killed trying to rob a liquor store.
I would say that fate protects those whose hearts are good an exacts revenge on those who would do use harm. I never wished anything bad on them so I can only chalk it up to karma. Good and evil balancing itself. Ironically, the guy I found out my ex cheated on me with ended up in jail for domestic violence after hitting her.
This just in – the celebrity death trifecta went into play about an hour ago with Patrick Swayze on Monday followed by Henry Gibson today. Now CNN is reporting that Mary Travers from PP&M is dead.
That was fast.
Oh, no! Not Mary Travers! I think I saw them at least 8 times in concert, and that was back when she was a fox. There was a time when she was a fox. Later, she got…………uh…………real big. Even after she got big, her voice was still intact. She could still pump it out. Well, if this is true, RIP, Mary. Got ‘em all on vinyl, and I still have a turntable.
Brynhildr,
Your story has some passing similarity to the gym shower scene in Carrie, which I assume predates the events you describe. Of course it is a stretch to refer to a horror movie starring John Travolta as art, but this isn’t exactly the Louvre so I guess I’m ok.
Did I detect a bit of Schadenfreude when describing the life of your rude school mate? It is nice to see some people get what they deserve.
Yea, poor Mary Travers. Too bad.
Schadenfreude? Oh hell yeah! Carrie predates the incident by a few years. I was too young to see the movie when it came out and never gave it a second thought. It may be just as well because I’m not sure my fragile psyche could handle it. *sniff sniff*
(btw Stephen King is considered High Art.)
RNK,
There’s a movie coming out in December based on the 2012 myth, creatively titled 2012 (I’ll bet it took focus groups months to come up with that). It looks bad. Really, really, bad. I’m talking Barbarella levels of awfulness.
It’s by the same dude who did Independence Day and The Day after Tomorrow, so it’s basically going to be a bunch of explosions and buildings collapsing strung together with a paper thin plot and dialogue that makes Tom Cullen from The Stand look like Hemmingway. Oh, and it stars John Cusack .
Think I’m exaggerating? Here’s the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyCCd8MCcZY&feature=related
For the record, I plan on being there opening night!
Here’s a second 2012 trailer in case the first one left you wanting more destruction:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZW2qxFkcLM0
Tyrosine -
HOLE-EEE SHIT!! That is awesome! The special effects look fantastic. I always wait for On Demand but I may actually have to schlep to the theater for this. I can’t wait to see it!
Gonna weigh in real quick with a related note to RNK-
Someone in my HS class (who’s had her own addiction issues) started a sort of “memorial group” to remember the people who were in HS from my class and the classes a few years ahead or behind.
Turns out that most of the dead are burnout assholes who were top of the food chain in Jr. High.
Every time I go to that page and read some of the names I get a warm fuzzy feeling of victory. They’re gone, which makes me the winner.
My wife says I need help.
I hope all the links work
Further Evidence- that’s right, a salt hotel
See, I already fucked it up- just click on my name for the link
Bunker cam- copy and paste this one- looks like I am awaiting moderation since I tried to do it like “further evidence”
http://neatorama.cachefly.net/images/2007-06/grace-weston-creepy-baby.jpg
Or just click on the link
And: WVSR Classic- since I am writing about it today
http://thewvsr.com/gargoyle.htm
September 17, 2009
Revisiting Ardna, Bahamas memories and another stupid question
It is good to see that the “Gargoyle Letters” – http://thewvsr.com/gargoyle.htm – all the way back from 2002, still have an internet life. I know that some of you came here after reading these letters and provided Jeff with a steady readership. Many others had linked to it, some with, and some without credit to the WVSR, and it took off as a popular internet reading. This particular thread is from last month.
http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/2009/08/03/devil-worship-and-christmas-lights/comment-page-1/#comments
I started on page one. Page two has relevant comments and criticisms. Page three and four are a flame war between a guy who posts as Jesus Christ and people who provoke him to respond again. So skip those, unless you have a lot of time on your hands. Mostly, as was before, people liked the responses from me to the letters. However, there is a larger, group than usual that say I am out of line, which has been the story all of my life. It’s still fun to look at other sites that have featured this letter and read the comments.
OK, I am awaiting moderation for links now. I’ll do some work here and come back later to see if it went though. Who moderates it? It’s not JK is it, he’s in a tent somewhere.
Great it went through. I also saw that forbes.com linked to it recently, but I don’t want to go through that moderation painful wait again, so I won’t.
Heres part two-
A Bahamas recap
Three years ago, the child bride and I took a cruise to Nassau in the Bahamas for our tenth anniversary. I can replay the entire trip in my mind like it was last week. I loved it and would like to do it again. My wife, not so much, so I will have to take someone else. Some of the highlights:
1. The cruise food: You mean it’s all inclusive and I can eat 24 hours per day. I got up each night and had pizza at 3 a.m. I ate an entire farm of eggs for breakfast each morning. It never ended.
2. Gambling- I got eighty dollars ahead at one point, and knew I should have quit, but couldn’t. You see, I have an addictive personality, as evidenced by the years of drinking and drug use, which I stopped over 13 years ago. I ended up breaking even, which I guess was a success. I still gamble.
3. The live shows- Okay, not all good memories, but memories, nonetheless. Saw a good magic show that had the guy waving a blanket over a woman who changed outfits in a half second at least twenty times. I don’t know how that is done, but really need to know. Saw an eighties dance revue, at which point I turned to my wife and said “You know, this is probably the gayest thing I have ever seen in my life.” Saw a comedian named Burt Kreischer, who was a little too far out there, but really funny. Now, he is turning up on television a lot.
4. The island. For some reason, the ships dock in the ghetto. After passing through a building where about 100 women offer to braid the female tourists hair for free, then expect a “donation”, we entered the ghetto, which consisted of a straw market and many run down buildings, except for the jewelry shops, which all had bars on the windows and doors. I also noticed immediately that there were no traffic signals, as cars were cutting each other off and horns blasting. When an intersection got out of control, a policewoman carried a box to the middle of the intersection and stood on it directing traffic. Once that was cleared up, she carried the box to the next intersection.
5. The people- lots of beggars. In the straw market, people were actually coming over and pulling me to their wares, trying to sell them to me. I had to make an example of one guy by screaming “get your fucking hands off me, you piece of shit!”, which everyone else heard in the straw market, and they refused to make eye contact with me after that. Just the way I like it. A little boy came up to me and said “I’ll sing you a song for a dollar.”, to which I replied..”I’ll give you a dollar to go away” and I did, and he left.
There are a lot more memories of this trip and just to experience the cultural differences and the awesomeness of a cruise, I recommend it. I will do it again. Some people hate cruises. What about you? Any good cruise stories?
Part three- (since I can’t put it all in one post
Another stupid question to keep us busy.
So we covered whether chili is a meal, salt and vinegar differences of opinion, what types of animals we have eaten, dick gazing gym coaches, where we have scars, long driving trips……trying to come up with something JK hasn’t provoked our minds with.
How about this…?
How did you end up living in the city or town you now live in? Is there a story behind it? IF you could move again, all expenses paid and start over in another city (one you know you could afford to live in), where would it be?
A friend of mine from WV moved to Sarasota a year before I did and always tried to have me move here. He set me up with a job, and I did it. I should have tried immediately to get on the police department, but I didn’t, spending my time recreationally, and always regretted it. Once I got divorced and married again, my current wife, who was nineteen at the time (and I was thirty five, what of it) really wanted to live somewhere else and after a few years of research, decided Boone, NC would be a good place to set up with our then three year old. After four years, we had another child (the Angry White Girl) and moved back so her parents could babysit sometime. That’s the only reason. I could kick myself for being talked into that. If I could, I would live in Boone again (despite Ardna).
So let’s talk about this stuff until it burns out and I might put something new here tomorrow.
Ok, I already see an error in the movie. If a CVN rolls over like that, well lets just say it won’t be pretty. The N in CVN means nuclear powered and they don’t turn off like a light switch. But the effects are awesome.
See, I told everyone that AWG would provide us with content!
I moved to West Virginia when I was 27. I met Mr.Man when he was in the Air Force stationed in Maine. We got married and lived there for for almost four years, then he decided not to re-enlist so he began job hunting. Unfortunately, New England’s economy was stagnate. There was nothing available in his career field. He came close to getting a job in southern Maine and one in Vermont, but no such luck.
So we moved back to his home town.
Maybe this question has come up on a bad day for me, but the truth is, I have never felt so lonely as I have over the past 16 years.
I literally feel like a stranger in a strange land.
Yeah, I have tried and tried and TRIED to fit in here, but I don’t.
I volunteered for tons of things, hoping to make lasting friendships and it just didn’t happened.
I even went to church that I didn’t agree with JUST to try to fit in.
I’m am the existential square peg trying to fit in a round hole.
It’s never going to happen.
I just keep on trying to make the best of things. I look for the humor in it all or I’d lose my mind.
I guess it’s true when they say that the best humor comes from the greatest pain.
How did you end up living in the city or town you now live in?
I was offered a position with IBM in Raleigh.
Is there a story behind it?
Nope! Just did it for the money and the position.
IF you could move again, all expenses paid and start over in another city (one you know you could afford to live in), where would it be?
Hell no, not going through that again. Besides, Raleigh is a nice place to be with a lot of growth and excellent access to the mountains and to the coast.
I grew up in suburban Philly. Then I moved to western PA for grad school, after which I lived for a year in upstate NY working in an apprenticeship-type deal. That kind of failed so I moved back to the Pittsburgh area for more schoolin’ and also married the man I met in grad school.
New hubbie found a job in the Cincinnati area, which happened to be close to his fambly. So we moved there. And it was a serious Tammie situation for me for six long grueling years, the entire time of which I spent riding my husband’s ass to leave (it’s amazing we didn’t divorce). He finally consented and he found a job back in good ol’ Pittsburgh, which is a nice halfway point between both our families.
I like it here, but it’s not necessarily where I would live if I had a choice and the money. I would either live in the Finger Lake region of upstate New York or, more likely, by the sea, probably the New Jersey shore since I’m most familiar with that area. But I’m open to points north along the coast. I really really really really miss the ocean. Presque Isle in Erie is a poor man’s substitute, but it works for a quick fix.
Tammie, it is the same here for me. Child Bride grew up here and seems to know most of the quarter million people who live here. I, on the other hand, do not regularly associate with anyone, except co-workers and the brothers I play basketball with. How about classes of some sort. A beginner’s martial arts class is a good place to meet people, all with a goal in mind. They sort of grow together in the class and become friends. I saw this happen with my son, who could not make friends when we moved back here. Now, he has a lot of friends and a black belt to go with it. Or something else you might be interested in. Take a class around your hectic schedule. See if it helps.
Shiny, Raleigh IS a nice city. I had to go there a lot to file things in Court, when I lived in Boone. Unfortunately I had to go there on the rare occasion it snowed there once. People acted like it was their first time driving and I nearly got hit four times. In the mountains, everyone was used to it.
On IPOD right now- “Carnival”- Santana
Mr. Kay,
Did you pull your back out lugging the industrial-size bag of Fritos to the car or something. We need our Surf Report, Sir! I quiver like your back fat after you finish mowing the lawn to read the next update.
Hippy days in your yurt. I thought people in PA had a reasonably good bag limit for folks in yurts. Wear some orange, and keep your eyes out for Tree Stands.
Have a good trip,
Greg
I moved to this town about the second I graduated high school. It’s a whopping 20 minutes from my hometown but at the time it felt like a world away. I moved here with a guy which followed with an ill-advised engagement. The guy is gone but I stayed. I love my house, it’s right across from a beautiful park and my neighbors mind their own business. It would be easy to stay here but now I have the opportunity to leave. I feel like I’m doing myself a disservice if I stay here because it’s easy and comfortable. Where I really want to go is Washington state, specifically the west coast. I visited there several years and I loved it. When I went back to school I saw it as a way to make Washington happen. Now it’s just a matter of when.
@Gretchen
Cincinnati is an inescapable hellhole. My marriage hit the rocks in Louisville, but came back up for air here. We’ve had trials and tribulations. I think in October we have a baker’s dozen. God Bless Her for putting up with my shit. God loves the ladies, so I shut up about SWMBO. She remembers shit better than me, and can quote me such that I believe I said it. Bitch.
Cheers,
Greg
I bet I could seriously get fucked up with Angry White Guy and probably one of us would end up in the hospital, jail or the morgue. We’d probably both agree it was a great night nevertheless. It’s Jeff’s blog, but we own the comments, Dammit.
Greg, Cincy is one of the best cities in the US. I spent a lot of time there with a friend of mine in WV. We would go up there on days off and drink so many goddamn Little Kings that I swear we would have had to set some kind of alcohol poisoning record. Followed by a trip to a Skyline.
If we ever make it up that way, I will get in touch with you through WVSR and let you know. No drugs or alcohol now, but a bar fight in a strip club or something would do me good (lots of built up aggression needs a release here).
On IPOD right now- “Schism”- Tool
I have lived in Tallahassee FL, San Francisco CA, Chapel Hill and Raleigh NC, New York City, Athens GA, Cumberland MD, Columbia MO, Olympia WA, and (now) Salt Lake City. Every place had its plus and minuses. It has been nice to be based out of cities in most every region of the US, such that I have had the opportunity to travel and explore a lot of places around the country.
I didn’t like Raleigh. I REALLY didn’t like Raleigh. Moerover, I think that it is entirely possible that Raleigh sucks more today that it did when I lived there in the mid-1990s. I could probably be happy living in any of the towns where I have lived in the past, with the exception of Raleigh or anywhere in FL. Did I mention that I don’t like Raleigh?
Lee Harvey- I really didn’t mind the parts of Raleigh that I saw, except for the idiots in a snowstorm part. However, I can understand why Tallahassee would influence how you thought about this suckass state. Of every major city I have been in in America’s Wang, Gay Charlie’s home city would have to be the worst. (That’s right, Gub’ner Tan in a Can, I’m talkin’ ’bout you). Rude people, rude city officials, bad drivers, bad restaurants. Have been there once and will never go again.
On IPOD right now- “Under the Big Black Sun”- X
AngryWhiteGuy – I remember that snow. I drove in snow all the time when lived in Indianapolis. These folks in Raleigh scare the shit out of me so I stay home when it’s snow or ice.
Lee Harvey Ramone – Sorry you don’t like Raleigh. It had to grow on me when I first got here but now, it’s not as bad as I first thought. Of course, coming from Atlanta didn’t help. It was the reverse of Atlanta which worked out better for me.
Born, raised and still live in same small town, I have no plans on leaving. I have friends in the silicone valley that tried to get me to move out there and “live a little”. I told them I love to visit, the golf, wine, food and weather are absolutely wonderful, but if I had to put up with the traffic I would be behind bars humming Johnny Cash tunes in less than a month for road rage based homicide. We have about a half a dozen stoplights in my hometown and the closest thing to a traffic jam is having to wait for the light to change twice to get through the main intersection.
One thing about that 2012 movie clip, they didn’t have to show Air Force One being drowned. Sacreligious motherfuckers!
RNK-My brother lived in Tacomo for a couple of years. Never made it out to visit which was really short sited on my part, but everybody I’ve talked to say it is absolutely wonderful in that neck of the woods.
Greg in Cincy- I’m sorry to hear that you don’t like Cincy. I love Cincy but only visit a couple of times a year and often thought if something happened at my current job (fired for internet misuse comes to mind) I wouldn’t mind trying to live there for a few years. What is it exactly that makes you call it a hellhole?
Tacoma.
Hey has anybody seen Garrett? It’s about the time of year when I make a big batch of chili and since I was being such a bean nazi a ways back I thought maybe he would have a good Texas style bean free recipe. It’s good to grow a little you know?
I live where I was born. I’ve visited a lot places. Don’t L.A. or Americas Wang much except in March for the drag races.
We have good hunting,fishing, golfing,4 real seasons pretty farm country and most folks are friendly. I see no need to move.
Don’t LIKE L.A. fuckin fingers.
A little song for my invisible friends who are better traveled than myself! (Yes I’m bored today!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmFN9C9PVpg
AWG, so you don’t like Talahassee but you do like Sarasota? I live in MD and grew up in WV and always loved the change of seasons. Always thought it was perfect living in the Midatlantic. But as I get older, the damn, cold winters are starting to get to me and Florida kind of looks good. I’ve really only been to Orlando, which I would never even consider (miles and miles of the same ugly shit, and tourists). What about down around Ft. Myers? Would definitely have to be on one of the coasts.
I’ve lived in Western Massachusetts, Edinburgh (Scotland, UK), Chicago, LA, and now Chapel Hill NC for the last 20 years.
I got to NC by picking between 5 offers out of grad school/postdoctoral training. The choices were:
Chapel Hill, NC
Pittsburgh, PA (x 2)
Columbia, SC
Atlanta, GA
I have never looked back on the decision – I love it here. However, my first wife hated it (she was a big city gal), and after 10 years here and 18 years of marriage total we called it quits and she went “home” to Chicago. Hating NC was a big part of why she was unhappy…Oh, and not being able to have children. But that’s another story for another day.
Wife #2 likes it here well enough and we now have 3 kids (infertility problem solved – this one gets pregnant if I wink at her). Chapel Hill is a great place to raise children and there are enough adult distractions too. We live 10 minutes from everything: work, gym, supermarket, etc. And as Shiny Rod mentioned above, easy access to mountains and beaches. Ahhh beaches, beautiful beaches. I can hear Ocracoke calling my name….
But we see ourselves retiring elsewhere once the kids are out of college – Spain, maybe (I keep my UK passport active as it comes with EU privileges – lots more options than FLA). It has to be sunny – wife #2 is from Siberia and as she puts it, “I’ve had a lifetime’s worth of winter already, I don’t need anymore.”
I would rate Tallahassee a 0.5 on a scale of 1-10 and Sarasota a 3, so I guess I like Sarasota a little better. Good coastal town is Port Charlotte. Still growing and not a megalopolis that connects to three or four other cities like Sarasota. The property is a lot less there too.
On IPOD right now- “White Light”- Gorillaz
anybody in the Morgantown, WV, area going to the Wine and Jazz Fest? a while back, I thought someone mentioned it…
AWG-Did Sarasota find somebody to take the Reds place in “Tired Old Ed Smith Stadium” as Marty refers to it?
I grew up in Waco, TX and then moved around the state for a while (Houston, Dallas, Austin) and then one of my cousins called and asked if I wanted to start a masonry business with him in Huntsville, AL. So I moved here and we went boom and bust and I’ve been here ever since.
I don’t know where I’d want to live. It’s okay here. I guess I’d like to be back in Texas if possible.
PS – Found out yesterday that we’re having a boy in Feb!
Oh, and we have a place in Seaside, FL that we go to now and then. Not really a second home as we only go every couple of months.
congrats Jason! are you happy about having a boy vs a girl? I find raising a little boy easy, tho I’ve never raised a girl, so I can’t give an honest comparison.
Thanks Alice in WV,
I have a 3 year old girl and a 1 year old girl. So I’m happy to have a boy this time.
Jason – Congrats man, my first two were boys and then the girl. They are all grown now. Two have GB’s. The oldest has two girls and and a boy. My daughter has a girl. So bpsssst, yes I’m grandpa.
Jason – Congrats on the upcoming addition! I guess we can start working on that name now!
This is for you, babies:
http://www.wimp.com/brilliantshort/
Thanks for the good wishes guys! I appreciate it.
Congrats, Jason! Two little Ms and then you get a little J. The stars must have been aligned that night.
WB, from what I understand, Boston was scheduled to move there, but only if they built a replica of Fenway there. have not heard the update on that since. Marty is delusional. Ed Smith still is better than most minor league parks in Florida,
See, Jason, that;s why I asked you that a few weeks ago. Now you gonna have another swingin’ dick around the house. Congrats. I was pulling for a boy for ya. Somehow, I thought you still lived in TX.
Thanx to the ten of you that played along today. Not sure if I will do something tomorrow, or work, instead.
No IPOD right now- at home watching Around the Horn in the bedroom. Woody rocks!
Born and raised in London, Ontario and never really had any reason to move elsewhere. Employment has never been a worry for me here and both my wife and I have fairly tight knit families in the area. Plus I’m less than a 2 hour drive to Toronto, Detroit, or Buffalo when I need to expand my horizons and if I feel the need to go farther afield there’s an airport. Even the weather isn’t an issue.
I was supposed to move to West Lafayette, Indiana for my Ph.D, but I had to take a pass when my step father died suddenly and my mom went kinda loopy.
If I could (and money was not a consideration) I’d like to live in Amsterdam. It’s beautiful city with a great vibe and lots of history. As an added bonus 99.9% of the population speaks English, which is good because there’s no way in hell I’m learning Dutch. Victoria, British Columbia would be a second choice, and rural Newfoundland would be my third.
Jason,
Congrats on the impending rugrat V3.0!
I saw this video and thought of you (but it’s obviously 4 years too late):
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=848_1252956889
T. Farty McAppleass,
I would have thought U.S.S. John F. Kennedy crashing into the White House would have triggered a bigger nerve than Air Force One.
Jason – Congratulations!
Where I have lived:
Indy
South Carolina
Newcastle upon Tyne
Houston
New Orleans
Miami
Cleveland
With extended periods in (but not long enough to have *lived* there):
Boston
Moscow
Budapest
Ended up in Cleveland because of the job.
Although there are a lot of places I would like to live, if I could live anywhere, I would probably choose:
Indy (bulk of family and friends are there)
New Orleans
Newcastle
Victoria, British Columbia
Your Further Evidence link
http://www.twentyfourbit.com/post/188917197/iggy-pop-avatar-in-lego-rock-band-correction
Your Bunker Cam Pic
http://www.thefrontloader.com/imagesforblogs/people/SammyDavisJr_thumb.png
Don’t know why it won’t let me post the WVSC Classic- tried three times- Just go to the “Best Of” section and read the Art House Funnyz- maybe it will turn up here later.
Sorry, that’s WVSR- trying to type with a broken finger is like learning to type all over again.
September 18, 2009
ONE MORE THING REGARDING YESTERDAY- If you google “Dear Ardna” there appears to be a large number of sites that has just linked to the Gargoyle Letters in the past month. I swear, the goddamn thing won’t die. Hopefully this will generate some new traffic for JK and we will get a few more friends to play with here.
And now- David Brenner filling in for Johnny. “Aw shit, Marge, Johnny’s not on tonight and lameass turd David Brenner is filling in. Fuckit, I’m going to bed early!”
Child Neglect and Good and Bad TV
What is the youngest age that any of you with children have left your child, whether alone, or watching a younger sibling, by themselves? For example, I have a twelve year old son, and I do not feel one bit guilty or irresponsible leaving the house for a half hour to go get groceries, and leaving him to watch my five year old daughter. He has my cell number. He knows not to answer the door. He is fantastic with her. No problems whatsoever. Ever. Ever.
My wife has a friend with a thirteen year old daughter and an eight year old son. She is a single mom, and has, for a year or so, left her daughter at home for EIGHT hours watching the boy. Everything worked out well until recently. Somehow, the boy wiped shit on the wall in the bathroom, leading to an immediate freak out by the older sister. She had no clue how to clean shit off of the wall, so she pointed the shower head at the wall and “hosed” it down. She didn’t know when to quit, so she ended up flooding the bathroom. She, being the intelligent thirteen year old girl that she is, took the vacuum cleaner to suck up the water in the floor. By a Higher Power’s mercy, she did not get electrocuted, but the vacuum caught on fire. She tried to smother the fire with some bathroom towels. Those caught on fire. She ran down the hall (lives in an apartment) and pounded on the neighbor’s door. Left her brother there. By the time they got back, he was trapped on the other side of a wall of flames. The neighbor wrapped himself in a sheet and ran through the flames to get the boy. Neighbor took off the sheet and it was on fire. Ended up catching the boy’s bedroom on fire. Neighbor took the boy and ran back through the flames, uncovered. Boy is fine. Neighbor caught on fire. Tore down the living room drapes and wrapped himself in them. Smothered the fire, and by then, the fire department had arrived. They put out the fire, damaging nearly all of the living room and the boy’s bedroom in seconds. Cleanup bill- nearly $20,000. All for leaving a child with a child. Do you have any child watching a child horror stories to influence my decision to leave a 12 year old with a 5 year old? I would be interested in hearing them. Or just ignore the question.
Good Cancelled Show, Bad Continuing Shows
With the outstanding success of yesterday’s participation, I thought I would throw this question out there. What is a television show, past or present, that you thought was an exceptional show, possibly that you told everyone about, convinced them to watch it, and then, it disappeared from the airwaves, never to be seen again? Also, what is a show that you have no idea how it remains on the air, and you know people who unhinge the top of their head, take their brain out, sit it on the side table and watch the show faithfully every week.
For me, “Life” was an excellent cop show. Actually, I had to give them credit, since they finished out the second season and wrapped it up nicely with the zen detective breaking the Russian mob boss’s neck with one punch. The writers planned on a third season, but, as always in shows I never miss, they yanked it. Also had the unbelievably hot Sarah Shahi as Detective Crews’s partner.
“According to Jim” was on for eight fucking years. Jim “funny as syphilis” Belushi would be managing an Arby’s if it were not for his older brother. I thought NOBODY, in the few times I was forced to watch this crap, with my wife, who LAUGHED OUT LOUD during the show, was funny. The kids were ugly, the wife looked like she was reading her lines, the brother and sister of the wife added nothing to the show. Absolutely prayed for the show to be cancelled. Any thoughts?
Please comment, or, as in most cases, just keep it to yourself. Or copy and paste the last couple of day’s stuff I wrote onto a Word document. Insert a few pieces of tissue paper into your printer. Then print it out. Then eat a huge lunch, provoke a strong bowel movement, take said Word document into the bathroom with you and feel free to wipe your ass with it. Jeff will be back with the good stuff on Monday.
On IPOD right now- “the Man with the X-ray Eyes”- Bauhaus
First!
No kids and I can sit and watch about any crap on the tube when I’m sitting there. No cable limits what I get, ABC, NBC, CBS, CW and about 11 trillion PBS stations so I take what they give me.
AWG – At least that girl will probably never ever be asked to babysit again. Cripes! wotta a series of bad luck accidents. all starting with a little shit-on-the-wall fingerpainting.
and I’m right there with you with the show “Life” and “According to Jim.” I didn’t know they had a third season written for that show. My husband still quotes from that guy… “What I want is peace. What I need is a bigger gun.”
I also don’t understand why so many people are so fond of Two and a Half Men. I like John Cryer ok in other things, but when I’ve tried to give that show a little watch, it annoyed me to the point of almost getting pissed off. don’t know what buttons got pushed but there ya go.
No kids but I can tell you that I was babysitting at the age of 13. I even watched 3 rambunkcious boys. I never experienced anything remotely close to dangerous. Long before I began babysitting, I had responsibilities around the house. I knew how to use the dishwasher, microwave, and vacuum, and I knew where all the cleaning products were. I would consider that prep for being a good babysitter. I knew not to let the kids put metal in the microwave. If they spilled something on the floor carpet I knew to use water or carpet spray not pour bleach on it. The incident you describe might be a case of a stupid kid watching an even stupider kid. I mean Jesus, what 8-year-old wipes shit on a wall? That’s something kids should outgrow after about 3. That being said, I think 8 hours, espcially waking hours, is a little long for a kid to watch another kid. Siblings especially will have trouble seeing the older one in a position of authority. A fight is bound to break out, which in the case of kids like you mentioned could involve knife throwing…..or wiping shit on a wall just to piss off your sister. Take a good look at your son’s level of responsibility and go from there. Above all else teach him safety.
Shows I wish could have went on and on forever: MASH, Little House, and Seinfeld…they all had good long runs but I loved them and wish they were still around. Boston Legal is the only show I can think of that was over before its time. Man I loved that show!
Shows that should have never been: According to Jim (the poor mans everybody loves raymond), Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, or any other show that involved a bitchy, hot wife, her lazy, irresponsible, slow-witted husband, and their meddling, always too involved family. How in the god forsaken hell did those shows last so long? It’s a little distubing to think that’s the mentality of the American people that those shows every made it beyond episode 1.
AWG, are you Chris, of the Ardna letters fame?
My wife also likes “Two and a Half Men” and watches the reruns in syndication. The things that I hate about it are the constant questionable conversations (my kids tend to watch it with her) and that fat little smug kid. Once the show is over, unless there are any other fat little smug roles for him, he has to return to normal life and endure endless ass beatings at school. Good call, Alice. That one annoys me, possibly more, than Jim. Naw, Jim still sucks worse.
RNK- yes, which is why I revisited it in yesterday’s post (read up 56 comments). The gargoyle doesn’t seem to bother anyone here, and my neighborhood is 95 percent elderly.
On IPOD right now- “April 26, 1992″- Sublime
I watched Raymond and loved King of Queens. Loves me some Kevin James. Those shows never push that ‘piss me off’ button. The wife on Raymond, cannot recall her real name, she kinda annoys me in her recents shows, tho I admit I never gave them a chance. She annoyed me on Letterman one night and I wrote her off from there.
I watched a new show last night, Community, and it was tight. ok so far. Sunny in Philadelphia started its new season last night, too, as did The Office, etc.
I talk about tv alot , but if I didn’t have NFL and new tv to look forward to, man, the coming winter would slam me into such a depression, I’d spiral down fast. thanks for listening.
I never watched 2 1/2 men during prime time but I have started watching it in reruns and find it funny albeit not funny enough that I watch it over Simpsons or Familt Guy even though I’ve seen most of them multiple times.
Wow, I’m gone for a week, and I drop off the top commentators list.
Oh cool! I guess I didn’t drop down too far!
I need to catch up today and see what I missed.
My 12 year old daughter has been watching her little sister (6) since the day she turned 12, and hasn’t once put her foot in it. To her credit, at 11, she took a class, at her own expense, and came out of it with a certification to be a baby sitter. Not what most 11 year olds do 2 days a week for 8 weeks of their summer. So, I really think it depends on the kid watching. I’ve known adults I wouldn’t let take care of the cat. And I hate cats. And, I’ve met 11 – 12 – 13 year olds more resposible, and likely smarter, than me.
TV shows –
I can’t stand 99% of the reality shows. Tool Academy is the exception. Nothing funnier than a room full of douches being shown how big of douches they are, on tv.
I like a lot of the stuff on Discovery & History. TLC has gone in the shitter. A&E is 50/50. More often than not, I’ll turn the TV on to have some noise while I read. Occasionally, I’ll stop reading to watch a commercial that catches my interest.
AWG – The offer still stands to make your way to Denver, and we’ll go up in the mountains & shoot some food. Less likely to end in a felony conviction than a bar fight in Cincy….. Unless you hunt like Dick Cheny or Bobby Knight.
I asked Kanye about WVSR and he weighed in with:
http://kanyelicio.us/http://thewvsr.com/
AWG — no kids here either. Most states don’t have a law outlining a minimum age for leaving children unsupervised, but if something goes wrong, you become the worst parent ever to walk the earth. I discovered this website recently while doing research for a friend. No guarantee on the accuracy of the info — it is for a business/service after all — but there are additional guidelines somewhere under the Latch Key Kids Resources link at the top of the page.
http://www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm
I can agree with short periods of time if your son is responsible and gets along with his sister. Heck, I was babysitting the neighbors’ 3 kids when I was 13. Of course, that was way back in the Dark Ages, and my mom was right next door if something went wrong.
TV shows gone too soon:
Deadwood
Life
Journeyman
The Tick
Action
Firefly
Arrested Development
The Riches
Dead Like Me
Wonderfalls
Carnivale
Studio 60
Shows that need to go away:
Private Practice
Medium
Conan O’Brien
Desperate Housewives
Brothers & Sisters
one or two of the CSIs
one or two of the Law & Orders
Two and a Half Men
So You Think You Can Dance
American Idol
Hell’s Kitchen
On the subject of Kanye….
http://kanyegate.tumblr.com/
Okay, here goes: we left our 10-year old boy with his infant brother many times, sometimes for hours. He could change diapers, warm the milk, play with him, and not get up to anything himself – he was really happy to have a baby brother.
Never had a single problem except one day (this is when the little one was a bit older, about 2) he called us on the cell crying his head off and we were scared shitless because we couldn’t understand a word but for the name of his brother – turns out they had been playing “catch” with the cell phone and it hit the bedroom wall, cracking the display.
TV shows, well, The Prisoner of course was way too short lived, as were Fawlty Towers and the Pythons. But those are from my days in Britain, where they tend to only do two or three short runs as a rule. There was another one called “The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin” that was brilliant but seemed to wane in “season” 3. Red Dwarf falls in this category as well.
In the U.S., the Smothers Brothers original show in the 1960s was cut off right at its peak, a big shame.
From the 1970′s I really liked “Toma” with Tony Musante – it was a thinking man’s Starsky & Hutch, gritty and mean with good story lines. It lasted only 2 seasons.
The Paul Lynde Show only lasted one season but I thought it was pretty funny.
An idiotic show that went on too long (i.e., beyond one show): “Who’s the Boss” with the incomparably untalented Tony Danza.
My children are quite young and I leave them home for hours at a time on a daily basis. The trick is to feed and water them well and then bind their hands and feet with duct tape.
I never understood why “Home Improvement” lasted so long. The neighbor who wouldn’t show the lower part of his face? Oh, what a fucking riot. Rot in hell Tim Allen, rot in hell.
Excellent lists, Brynhildr.
Jeff in Denver, if you can figure out a way to get Woody Paige to go with us, I will book a flight out tomorrow.
I would enjoy punching Kanye West in the face.
On IPOD right now- “Demolition Man”- the Police
I don’t watch reality shows except for “Top Chef”. I’ve never watched American Idol or anything like that. I used to watch an animated show on Comedy Central called, “Dr. Katz” and it suddenly went away – not sure why. Oh, I also watched “Deadliest Catch” for a while but it got old. Now they have all these spin-offs that suck ass (Ice Road Truckers, Loggers, Sword Fishers, whatever…)
I also watched “Black Gold” a few times and I liked it okay. I guess when it comes to reality tv I shy away from the contest type shit, except for Top Chef.
My chirren are too young to be at home alone so I don’t know. Besides, my wife is with them all day. She might leave them there alone, I have no idea.
The Smothers brothers were cancelled by the government. I will always be convinced of that. Toma was fucking excellent. True stories, too.
Jason, is there a precise due date for little Jesus? Remember this?
I thought I had read this and looked it up, from November 11, 2008.
And I quote:
““Flo” and “Ethel” seem to be going the way of the dodo bird. And I didn’t do my part to save them. I have two girls (Marion and Madelyn). I’ve always wondered why Mexicans are the only ones with big enough kiwis to name their boys “Jesus”. But if I have a boy I’m going to change all that – and we won’t pronounce is hey-suess either.”
100 bucks if you can talk your wife into that.
Again, congrats, dude!
AngryWhiteGuy,
The due date is Feb 6. Good find! I usually can’t remember writing shit like that. Same in real life, someone says to me, “remember that story you told me about that hooker in North Carolina?” What? No.
Jesus. I’m going to give it a shot.
Thanks for keeping us busy while Jeff is in his Gotdamn yurt.
Tyrosine,
Thanks for that hysterical video.
AWG –
Damn. My last job was in the same building as the Denver Post. I could’ve badged you in, and for that matter, gotten you directly to his floor. Since I was in engineering, I had badge access to the freight elevator, every floor, and keys to the basement & penthouse, as we had transmission gear in both places. Since then, I’ve moved to a different job, but managed to keep a set of keys. Unfortunately, the Post moved across the street to a brand new building they had built, apparently not aware that they’re a dying medium.
Same thing happened here. The paper built a six story MONUMENT to themselves on main street, then, after moving into it, promptly laid off about 300 people. It’s the same as all of the major post offices remodeling themselves to look like a McDonald’s at the counter, with lit up signs and all. Then, when you go there, there are two of the eight windows open for business. They didn’t have the foresight to see that email was going to kill them.
On IPOD right now- “Voodoo”- Godsmack
A little late but good job Jason not blowing the nuts off this one, the second coming in my lifetime woohoo!
We do a little work for the PO and I’m always wondering if we’ll get paid. Always do, for now.
Thanks AWG for finishing off the week, us fuck-offs need to stick together.
Peace out y’all!
I agree with Brynhldr’s list and would like to add two to the “gone too soon” column.
Anyone recall “Johnny Bago” or a show called either “Now and Again” or “Once and Again”/ The show had Denis Haysbert as a scientist who transplanted John Goodmans brain into a genetically engineered superman spy guy. I hope someone knows what I’m talking about.
I also liked The 4400 and Jericho
Jorge — Must have been Now and Again because the other one, I think, was about a divorced man and a divorced woman trying to have a relationship and blend their families. Never watched either.
Jericho was great the first season, but petered out a little in the second. Otherwise, it would have been on my list as well.
I hired a 14-year-old babysitter once and came home to a fire engine in front of my house. The dumb little bitch was microwaving a frozen pretzel and she put it in for 2 hours instead of 2 minutes.
Almost gone two soon: Friday Night Lights. Fortunately, the show keeps hanging on and has been signed on for season’s four and five (albeit only 12 episode seasons)
Thanks WB in OH!
I just thought of another show. I was flipping through the channels the other night and had the misfortune of stumbling across “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”. Has anyone else seen this snickering dingbat? He is NOT FUNNY. He’s a total waste of sperm. He acts like he’s stoned and confused the whole time. And he’s as feminine as a stroll through a bed of fresh gardenias.
Not much TV…most of the reality shows are about as boring as watching a casket warp.
Late night radio tho…Love me some Coast to Coast AM…aliens and conspiracy theories.
Jerry Doyle has a pretty good show that plays here late-night…but sometimes he talks too fast . Never figured out how he does that without running out of breath. Maybe he can circular breathe like Roland Kirk.
AWG-That babysitting story was hilarious and harrowing at t he same time – good stuff!
Seinfeld just turned into a cartoony version of itself when Larry David left (the death of Susan was his last episode) and it went on for too long, though the later shows were still pretty amusing.
I hated Home Improvement and could never understand why it was so fuckin’ popular.
Andy Griffith stopped being funny after Goober moved in with Howard Sprague and they both died of syphilis.
I remember when I was starting to experiment with hashish, being struck hard in the head by an incoming volleyball at speed.
And while we’re on the subject of ‘crisps’ – its got to be haggis!
http://www.mackiescrisps.co.uk/crisps/flavours/haggis_cracked_black_pepper.aspx
First, never left my children alone, not for one second. Those heathens would have destroyed everything in a matter of seconds.
Don’t watch enough TV anymore since I started taking classes for TV producer/director along with my regular college class schedule. When I do watch TV, it’s usually more sports now that football season has started. i would have to agree with Bryn on some the shows that ended to soon with the inclusion of Farscape. Shows the should have never started included most reality shows, dating shows, and dance shows. I would have to exclude Two and a Half Men, it’s like the Three Stooges. Women just don’t get it. Also add Hell’s Kitchen, I love rage in the kitchen. Add all cop shows to the list, I am damn tired of seeing stupid criminals, you can not out run bullets, radar, helicopters and radios. Technology has a BIG advantage over stupidity.
I am a vapor, I am a leaf on the wind and then…I am gone.
I too love Two and a Half Men. It took me a while to get into but now it consistently makes me laugh my ass off. Everybody loves Raymand on the other hand was just not funny. I’ve tried a few times to sit through episodes of Arrested Development but it has never worked for me…I have a feeling that I need to start with season 1 on DVD so that I understand the backstory…then it will come to me.
I want to be Charlie Harper when I grow up.
SR — You know, I used to watch Two and a Half Men all the time and can tell you that women DO get it, but the same shtick, different day thing gets old after the 100th time. The show is highly formulary and predictable at this point. Kinda like Gordon Ramsay when he screams obscenities and denigrates the other chefs. What ever happened to creativity? Are all sitcom writers THAT uninspired? I give high marks to any show that surprises me, and few do these days.
Bryn – I have a low threshold for humor. I still can watch Blazing Saddles after the umpteenth millionth time and roll on the floor laughing. Actually, I find Gordon quite hilarious. I’ve watched all his cooking shows and it’s just the way he is. My biggest disappointment was when they canceled Dead Like Me. That was pretty much the end of me watching anything new. I still try a show here and there but the closest thing I have stayed on top of was The Wire. For now, Dexter is showing some promise, I haven’t missed an episode.
The greatest show of all time is Walker Texas Ranger. The second greatest show of all time is The A Team. The third greatest show of all time is Pee Wee’s Playhouse – he was king of the world until they caught him jacking off in the theator.
Jeff,
I’ve lost at least 50,000 neurons drinking away the pain from your absence. I’ll fucking buy you a cup of yoghurt, or whatever it is you done left to do. This is so if and only if you come back soon.
Yours in despondence,
Greg
She woke him up early by flicking a lit cigarette at his face. “Get up you little shitcock. You’ve got work to do.”
“But mom, it’s 4:30 in the morning.” She slapped him across the throat and said, “Is that any way to talk to the King of Rock N Roll?” And he replied, “But mom, the King of Rock N Roll is Elvi – she smacked him in the head. “Shut up, ingrate. You’re riding your bike up to Uncle Jackie’s place and you’re gonna talk him into entering the contest next week. There’s a lot on the line. The winning city get’s a new Art Center.”
“But mom, uncle Jackie has refused to enter the contest for 40 years now. Ever since he – she grabbed his nipples and twisted them. “Is that any way to talk to Huey Lewis and the News, you son of a bitch?”
He got dressed and took off on his bike.
The contest in question was the annual jackoff contest. This was the 50th year, the Semicentennial, and a lot was at stake. People were coming from miles around for a chance to win fame and a small fortune ($1,300) not to mention a new Art Center for their town.
Jackie was there when the contest started. He won the first nine years hands down. Then on the tenth year a terrible thing happened. Only 70 seconds into the contest Jackie declared himself finished. It was a dry orgasm. The rules clearly state that at least a tablespoon full of semen must be ejected for the contestent to be considered “finished”.
He was the laughing stock of Rhode Island. His sweetheart left him and he became a professional drunk. “I thought you were going places, you fucking loser” the townspeople would say. “Now look at you. You haven’t had a haircut in years and that boy from Georgia beat your record. Loser!”
Little Ralph drove his bike through the woods to get to the shack that Jackie now occupied. It had no electricity. It was a complete tin shitbox, the only new edition to the place in the last 100 years was the dozens of “No Tresspassing” signs that Jackie had nailed all over the trees.
“Uncle Jackie, Uncle Jackie, get up! It’s time for the Jackoff Semicentennial! Please, please get up!” Jackie rolled over and took another swig of his homemade booze and wiped his greasy hair from his face, “God dammit boy. Can’t you see I’m finished? Every year yall bother me with this. I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m done, son.”
“But Uncle Jackie, you’re the best there ever was. Everyone knows it. You had one dry run but I know you can beat those boys from Georgia and Maine. I know it. Besides, there’s a $1,300 prize and the winner gets a new Art Center built in his home town!”
“$1,300 you say? That’s a lot of scratch. I could….wait, no. Look at me. I haven’t pulled this string in 40 years. It would be silly to even try. Get the fuck outta here, Ralph. Let me die in peace.”
Ralph had to ride home where a proper ass whoopen awaited him. It was no use. Jackie was refused, just as he had for the last 39 years. Loser indeed.
Friday night rolled around and the high school gym filled up quickly. The entire basketball court was filled with cots and the announcer was naming off the contestants as they entered in. Suddenly he paused and then he said, “Wait a minute. Is that who I think it is? Is that Jackie Peters? Holy hell, it is!” Jackie was wearing his old uniform: a kilt, a large plaid bib, and a pair of rain boots. The crowd went insaine as he made his way to his cot.
The contestants were in place, the flag men stood at the head of their cots. The flag man standing at Jackies cot said a quick, “good luck Jackie. Give em hell.”
Then the horn sounded and contest started. The crowd was chanting, “Jackie! Jackie! Jackie!” After only 37 seconds Jackie started to curl his toes and started to scream. The flag man was getting ready to raise his flag when all of the sudden Jackie shot him all about the chest and face with semen. There were at least 5 cups. He won! The cheers were absurd. They tried to get Jackie up so he could wear his belt and take his place at the top of the stage. But he couldn’t move.
Little Ralph ran to his side, tears streaming, “Uncle Jackie, get up. You’re the best. You did it. You won!” Jackie opened his eyes and said, “I know son, I know. This is as it should be.” Then he turned his head and died.
Jason, I saw that movie in 1979 – it starred Ricky Schroeder and Kris Kristoferson.
Brutal……