When we were teenagers, before we were old enough to drive, a few of us would sometimes hop on a bus, and spend the day wandering around the “big city” of Charleston. We’d check out record stores and book stores, and maybe buy a bag of cashews at the Peanut Shoppe, etc.
It was fun to be on our own, outside Dunbar. And there was a certain griminess to it all, which was appealing, as well. Some guy tried to sell me and Steve drugs on one of our Charleston adventures, and that was very exciting. We declined, of course, but just being approached added color to the proceedings.
Anyway, a whole group of us went up there one summer morning. Rocky was with us, and the Angry White Guy, and possibly our friends Mike and Tim. I can’t really remember the full lineup. But we went into a restaurant — called Bowincal’s — which specialized in hot dogs. They sold all manner of dogs, with all sorts of weird-ass toppings, if you wanted.
And I remember the Angry White Guy bought a GIGANTIC chocolate milkshake. The thing was huge — roughly the size of a bathroom trashcan. It practically required two hands to drink the thing, and cost a lot of money, too.
So, we sat down at one of the tables, and he had this massive ten-pound cup. The thing was so tall he had to tilt his head way up, to get his mouth on the straw. And Rocky (I think) somehow knocked it over.
Only one or two sips had been taken at the time, so the cup was almost completely full. The entire tabletop was covered in milkshake, and it started waterfalling down on all sides, and dumping into the floor. We all stood up, trying to get away from it, and within seconds there was a huge on-deck circle of brownish milk. And it was getting bigger!
We were standing there watching it, unbelieving, when an employee (who looked like Darryl on The Office) shouted, “Hey!” We glanced at each other in alarm, and every one of us took off running at the same time. We tore ass out of there, and almost took the door facing with us.
Darryl was yelling, “You assholes! You sonsabitches!!” as we ran. And when we finally ended our panicked sprint, a couple of blocks away, we couldn’t stop laughing. In fact, I’m laughing right now, just thinking about it. The whole thing was ludicrous.
And speaking of Rocky, I’ve written about the time we almost burned down a Chi Chi’s restaurant. You can read about it here, if you’d like. If we hadn’t had girls with us, we probably would’ve taken off running again. We were all the time taking off running, as a result of some sort of asshattery.
Also, I was with a girlfriend at the Taco Bell in Kanawha City one night, and some guy kept farting, over and over again. He was part of a group — two girls and two guys — and the dude blasted-ass roughly twenty times within a ten minute period.
All four of them were drunk, I think, and the first eruption caused the whole party to practically roll in the floor laughing. But he kept doing it. He’d raise himself off the seat, and put his full diaphragm behind it. BRRRRRAAAP! I couldn’t believe it; my brain was having trouble processing what was happening before me.
I don’t know how one person could fart so strongly, and so frequently, in such a short period of time. But this guy was putting on a clinic. And people were starting to get angry. “Hey, we’re eating over here!” someone yelled at him. And he let loose with another window-rattler, as a response.
The girls finally left, acting fully disgusted, and the other guy was pleading with his friend to knock it off. Then a wave of funk hit us, and I thought we were inside a port-o-potty at Farm Aid, or somesuch. People were leaving their half-eaten burritos on their tables, and heading for the exits. And we did the same. What the hell, man? It’s still baffling to me. Who just sits in a fast food restaurant and repeatedly farts with gusto? I would’ve gladly joined in on a beat-down of the idiot, but wasn’t really prepared to start one.
And those are three Outrageous Disturbances in Restaurants, right off the top of my tiny Duke head. Now it’s your turn. In the comments section, please tell us your stories. What are the most ridiculous things you’ve witnessed in an eating establishment? We need to know.
And I’ll be back tomorrow with more of this highbrow material.
See you then!