If You Could Travel Back In Time, What Would You Say to the 15 Year Old You?

Time-Travel
This is Day 12
of my work marathon, and I’d say I’m operating at about 80% capacity.  I’m sometimes finding it difficult to pull up the right words while talking.  I say things like, “Tomorrow everyone needs to wear business casual, which means no…”  “Jeans?” somebody offers.  “Yeah, jeans!” I answer, as everyone exchanges holy shit glances.

And people need to try to solve their own goddamn problems.  I want to holler, “How long have you worked here?!” roughly 25 times per shift.

But if I can just make it to Sunday, when my regular crew returns, I’ll be home free.  The next few days will be the test.  Well, not a test:  I’ll power through it.  There’s no question I’ll make it, I just need to get these next few days in the rearview.  My team is the freaking Delta Force, and it’s not as easy when they’re gone.

I didn’t update yesterday, and this one is going to be an abbreviated little turdlet, too.  I apologize.  But I’m gonna have to hit you with a Question now, and sign-off.  Day 12 beckons.

In the comments section, please tell us what you’d say to the 15 year old you, if you could travel back in time and spend about 10 minutes with the 9th grade version of yourself.

I’d say, “Listen man… you’re worrying about all the wrong things.  Oh, you should be worrying.  Make no mistake about it.  But not about all that stupid crap that’s in your brain right now.  I can write out an itemized list, if you’d like.  Also, cut your hair.  You look like hell.  And take more showers.  Jesus!”

What would you say?  Please tell us about it in the comments.  And hopefully I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.

90 Responses to “If You Could Travel Back In Time, What Would You Say to the 15 Year Old You?”

  1. I didn’t read the post. Ta Da!

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  2. Don’t listen to ANYONE.

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  3. There’s no such thing as a permanent record, and learn how to program a computer. A COMPUTER! You’ll learn about it more in college dipshit.

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  4. I would tell myself that there is more to life than p***y, cars, and guns, but I would be lying to myself….

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    Miketheripper Reply:

    I forgot about BEER!

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    Max Reply:

    Amen!

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  5. I would tell 15-year-old me: “Quit sleeping around, you little whore! And take that goddamn needle out of your arm!”

    Oh, wait. That’s just what my parents THOUGHT I was doing.

    More like, “Put in college applications everywhere you can think of and go to the one furthest away, I don’t care if you DO have to turn tricks to afford it. And for Pete’s sake, gain some self-esteem; your family isn’t always right.”

    Jesus, I’m feeling down today.

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    CitizenX Reply:

    Hang in there, girl (( hugs ))

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  6. Put down the Nutty Buddy’s (the ice cream kind); talk to the hot girl next door and stop trying to suck your own dick.

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    Miss Q Reply:

    They make ice cream Nutty Buddy’s???

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    sunshine_in_va Reply:

    They called them Nutty Buddy’s, but they were probably called something else in different parts of the country.

    http://www.puritydairies.com/products/treats/cones/nuttybuddy.html

    I inhaled them that summer. It was like $1.79 for a box of 6. Or maybe it was $1.29. Seems like a lot for 1978 dollars.

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    Miketheripper Reply:

    Never give up on a worthy pursuit.

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    sunshine_in_va Reply:

    Oh……….I didn’t. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

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    azcobound Reply:

    I think you meant willy

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    The Kuban Reply:

    Oh yeah, good ol’ Nutty Buddy’s. The ice cream cone with the peel-off top. Loved those things. Which leads back to my bad skin and fat ass in HS. I just love these little jaunts down memory lane.

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  7. Stop eating crap and being a die hard Cleveland sports fan is going to cause you nothing but grief.

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  8. Glad to hear that you refer to your regular team as the DELTA force. Usually, that’s a sign of a good manager.

    You’re almost through, hang in there.

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  9. Learn to play the guitar and learn computer programming. Both would have come in SO handy later on.

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  10. “Think! Before you do stupid shit that will get you arrested.”

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  11. Stop taking life so f*cking serious.

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  12. No sweetie, you really AREN’T a worthless piece of shit!

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  13. “Face it, your chances of hanging out with The Rolling Stones are slim to zero, so quit studying their lyrics and concentrate on forensics because in about 20 years, when it’s way too late, you’re going to be kicking yourself in he ass repeatedly.”

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  14. 1. Quit wasting your time at church. Those repressed people “leading” the youth programs are creepy zeroes who are either graduates of a non-accredited evangelical “college” or failures in life finding refuge with naive kids who’ll listen to them because no adult that knows shit about shit cares what they have to say. Oh, and all of that satan-worshipping and backmasking scare stuff they keep throwing at you is complete horseshit cooked up to scare the shumps into digging deep and giving till it hurts.

    2. That girl you’re in love with? The one who goes to anti-abortion rallies with her evangelical parents? Yeah, she’s going to be a lesbian, so don’t waste portions of the next 3 years chasing her.

    3. Don’t worry about getting in trouble at school. You’re a straight A kid and nobody gives a shit bout your mischief now and in 20 years even your strict disciplinarian Dad will be laughing at the story of how you got caught leaving during lunch so often that you had to turn your keys in to the principal and used that task as an opportunity to steal blank report cards and sell them once every six weeks to make enough money to take the future lesbian to a nice italian dinner.

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    Steve in WV Reply:

    Bingo!

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    CitizenX Reply:

    yeah sounds about right

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  15. “Put the blow-dryer and hairspray down. You’ll be bald in less than 10 years anyway!”

    “You’ll still be laughing at the same stuff 30 years from now.”

    “Finish college, you dope!”

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    CitizenX Reply:

    At 15 I WAS being told to “finish college, you dope” all the way through to nineteen. Just not from MYSELF. Huh.

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  16. You know that laziness and lack of ambition thing you have? It won’t leave you. You don’t realize it now but your whole life is a vacation. But pretty soon will come an alarm clock and responsibility.

    So get yourself through college somehow then get yourself a job that has a 20 or 25 years-and-out-to-collect-a-pension thing because barring any unforeseen circumstances, A) age 50 does arrive and B) it’s better to try to find some little part-time bullshit job to get you out of the house a few hours a day instead of not knowing when or even IF you’ll ever be able to retire to enjoy the leisure you crave.

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  17. Don’t be such a pussy. It doesn’t matter if you’re embarrassed a little, go ahead and talk to her. Maybe you’ll get laid before you’re 23.

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  18. Lotto numbers. I always keep an old lotto ticket with me incase this happens.

    Got you covered Jeff, I’ll have many more later.

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  19. “It’s 1979; take every dollar you can get and buy Apple stock & let it ride; don’t question me, just do it…and get your hands out of your pants.”

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    hockeykevin Reply:

    It IS God!

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  20. Buy IBM stock. Then sell it all when this thing called Apple comes around and buy all you can of that stock. There set for life…

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  21. Start working on getting some poontang. You don’t wanna graduate high school as a virgin. When the opportunity arises, don’t be so timid — go for it. Believe me, she’ll like it just as much as you will.

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  22. You know that Ted Nugent guy that you think is such a bad-ass rocker? Well, it turns out he is a complete asshole as well as a raging idiot. You might as well start hating him now.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Ted Nugent is an American treasure!

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    Wisely McD Reply:

    You couldn’t carry his jockstrap.

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    Lee Harvey Ramone Reply:

    Interesting that you mention his jockstrap. It turns out that “The Nuge” has the smallest penis in the history of mankind. Scientists are currently attempting to convince him to donate his penis for scientific research after his death so that they can fully and appropriately study this phenomenon. He may yet prove useful to the human race.

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    CitizenX Reply:

    This would explain the big guns….

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    E2M Reply:

    About six months ago, I started thinking about getting a concealed carry handgun permit. So since then I’ve been on an internet journey of learning all about handguns. Of course, several recent events have changed the tenor of instructional youtube handgun videos. Suddenly, I’m in a 2nd Amendment debate conumdrum.

    I followed Ted on twitter for the SOTU speech and looked at some of his recent videos and came to the conclusion that he is an idiot and 2nd Amendment adovacates should establish a fund and put Ted in a home.

    Cuz he ain’t helping.

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    Miketheripper Reply:

    There is no “conumdrum”. Leave me and my guns alone…. we’ve never hurt anyone. That’s Ted’s message. Hollywood and the video gaming industry should own up to their responsibilities but they hide behind the 1st amendmant while condemning those who support the 2nd! Typical…..

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    Max Reply:

    Well said Mike! How did this turn into a political column anyways? I blame Fancy…

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    Ed Reply:

    You’ll have to take my Xbox controller from my cold, dead hands.

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    icecycle66 Reply:

    You need permission to conceal carry. Man, sucks to not live in AZ.

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  23. Listen to your father, he isn’t a complete idiot, especially the save your money and go to college part. And yes, buy all the Apple stock you can afford and do not sell it until you’re ready to retire. Oh, don’t get on the go karts 2 years from now.

    I doubt my fifteenn year old self would have listen to my 46 year old self.

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  24. Use a good complexion wash every morning and night so your face doesn’t look like something Domino’s delivered. Also, quit stuffing every unhealthy food into your pie-hole every chance you get so you don’t have to wait until you’re in your mid 30′s to look the way you should have looked when you were in your 20′s.

    Oh, and quit that people-pleasing shit. People pretty much suck. And they’re never pleased.

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    The Kuban Reply:

    And last but not least….

    Kiss Michael Townsend. You know you want to.

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  25. “Dude!”
    “Huh??”
    “Sorry man. We say that a lot now. Here. Take this.”
    “What’ is it?”
    “I bought it for you a long time ago. It’s a ticket. Now go take the ride.”

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  26. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…

    “Have as much fun as you can in these next 6 years, because you’ll be married with a kid at 21. Shit’s going to get serious real quick.”

    Oh, and “invest in Cellular One”.

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  27. Get on birth control and don’t get off of it until menopause.

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  28. Next year you’ll meet a girl named Tara.
    She’ll have crabs.
    Stick with Donna.

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    LMAO!

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  29. Make your own decisions, make your own money, have your own friends. Never let anyone tell you “you can’t”. And for chrissakes…DO NOT get marrieduntil you are in your 30′s.

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  30. 1) Fer crissakes, you’re not going to burst into flames if she turns you down.
    2) Learn about computers. It seems dorky now . . . and it’ll be dorky later, but it’ll pay.
    3) You’ll get your drivers license next year. Slow the hell down.

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  31. in 3 yrs you will propose to your girlfrind on valentine day
    you will marry her right out of hi school
    in 3 more yrs she will be bangin everything in sight
    the sprog ill be of questionable parentage
    then it will be time to move on to the next ex mrs ron

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  32. Stay in school, go to college. After high school don’t run off with that guy you meet on the internet…he’s a huge douche dick.

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  33. Those chicks that hate you? Yeah, you could be fucking them.

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  34. Strangely, Jeff’s question of 15 year old, is EXACTLY the right age for me. If he had said 14, or 16, it wouldn’t have been as accurate of a time for making a fundamental point of kicking my own ass. Ha.

    15 years old, I was in Honolulu, and had my eyes on the finest female to have ever graced this fair land… And she was friends with ME, on HER inititive. What do I do? Stick my head in the ground and do a fabulous Ostrich impression. Sigh. I would kick my ass back then to tell me to ask her out. Even if she said no, it would have been better than moving back to the mainlands and having her be the one I always compare to. Humph.

    Also, 15 was probably the only time I might have been able to talk myself into becoming either an engineer or an architect, both which today I know would be a better fit for me. Instead, I went for Hotel management in college. Moron.

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    clintcurtis Reply:

    Moron!!!! Get back in touch with her. Ya never know. Start with Facebook and Classmates.com. (two of the best “stalking old girlfriends” tools devised).

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  35. “Beware of Kerri!”

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  36. Take the blue pill. Trust me.

    Oh and today I was looking through the leftover paczki at the grocery store and was pretty disappointed. I mean, I expect to see lemon filled, but prune filled? What the hell, man?!? They might as well fill them with shit. Why ruin a perfectly good deep fried pastry with prune filling.

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    Jorge Reply:

    Prune is actually the traditional pazcki filling. Doesn’t make it good thought.

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  37. In a few years you’ll be leaving Southern California and heading to college. Don’t worry–you’ll be back. There won’t be a lot of girls at that college–right now it’s still male-only–but that will change next year. While you’ll be on a scholarship/loan program, most of the girls will be from families that have endowed the scholarships. Yeah, they’ll be rich bitches. Get over the fact that they’re not California Girls, learn what it takes to move in their social circles, and get one to marry you. A few years later, when you hear Randy Newman sing “My Life Is Good”, you’ll nod and smile, and you’ll thank Jeff Kay for sending me.

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  38. Spend more time with your grandmom.
    She’s not going to be here forever.

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  39. ***oh…and when you’re lying there at night staring at the motel room cottage cheese textured celing, looking for the meaning of life right after you did that last bong hit…try and remember you’re allergic to cottage cheese.

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  40. Oh, I know what I’d say to 15 year old me–quit fucking typing so fucking much! Sure, typing 80 wpm is great in high school on an electric typewriter, but once computers come into play, pretty much any damn fool can at least learn to type at a passable level, due to computer programs/tutorials. Instead, woman-up and take that stupid Math Analysis class! And Physics! (okay, I WAS going to take it–until I learned that learning all those formulas and shit was stupid when the only good thing about the class was going to Six Flags. And, it being the Year of the GREAT FLOOD (’93), it was rainy and cold as hell on that lovely May morn when the kids took off for “fun.”

    “Meh!” I said–”I’ll go after prom.” Cold then too. Then after graduation. Fucking 55 degrees. So while my friends were being social and eating overpriced shit at Bonanza, I was making overpriced shit at Dairy Queen (we treat you right!)

    Oh, and to make this longer–nothing to do at work but file, and that’s another thing I’d tell my 15 year old self. Why the fuck are you taking those stupid-ass business courses? Why is it important to learn how to type so well? Take some classes that’ll lead to, uh, I don’t know, being a House-type doctor, but instead of Vicodin, I’d be chewing on anything that ends with “tal” (Butalbital, etc.) Of course, instead of begging scripts from colleagues who merely think I’m an addict, I’d just order the shit off the internet, where no one cares. I’d tell myself to make sure to take better care of that Technics SL 2000 turntable (won in a contest in 1975 by my father–anyone remember CMC?)

    Ah, fuck it–I should’ve become either a pharmacist or a psychiatrist–that’s what I was strongest in (high school and college), but my ass got lazy, majored in piano performance (which wasn’t lazy, but hardly the same thing). worked my ass off, and here I sit, typing this long as rant to try to feel better about something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit lately. 20 year reunion in June–I guess I can say that I’m better off than the folks that died/went to prison/blew themselves up in a meth lab explosion–but the fact that not only am I working in the same place…I’ve only moved 100 feet to another building! I’ve had 3 jobs in 22 years of working. What’s that going to look like when they (probably) can a bunch of us secretaries? Uh, yeah, I worked at Dairy Queen, The Kiel Center, and the college known as the Harvard of the Highway.

    Sorry for the bitching–fuck it, I need caffeine and Valium.

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    clintcurtis Reply:

    Heh, some of my best love letters were done on an Olivetti Linea 98 manual back in the 1980′s at the stellar light speed of 30 words per minute. I normally wouldn’t have had that sort of speed, but out at a remote weather station in Alaska I had plenty of opportunities to strengthen my hands and wrists in other endevours.

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  41. In 1986, buy all the Microsoft stock you can afford and don’t sell any of it for 20 years.

    Donna Jo will have a crush on you in 2 years but she won’t tell you. Fuck the shit out of her.

    Don’t ever try cigarettes. Ever.

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    clintcurtis Reply:

    My Mom and Bill Gates actually knew each other by name. He came into the library where she worked to see her supervisor about some library thing. He came up the the main desk, greeted her by her first name, and she said, “Oh, hi Bill! let me take you back to her office.” He and my Mom talked all the way back about how he was doing, and he asked about our family.
    I was sitting there with my son and watched it transpire. After he was back in the office I went up and said to my Mom, “You know him?????” She said, “Yes, that’s Bill. He has something do do with computers. Have you heard of him?”

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  42. Old Me: Listen, there are so many things I can tell you that will improve your life in the future…

    Young Me: This is scary. You’re really me? You’re so old and fat!

    Old Me: That’s beside the point. There are things that you may not want to do, but that you need to do, and the sooner the better.

    Young Me: That’s not so easy! Anyway, I know what I want! Anyway, are you doing everything you should be doing?

    Old Me: Not really, no; that’s what…

    Young Me: Well don’t try to tell me what to do then!

    Old Me: *sigh*

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  43. Pay more attention to those signals the skirts are giving you and act on it for christsake!

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  44. - Don’t be afraid of girls. They are just as horny as you are.

    – Learn to study now, in high school, even though you get OK grades with no work. That will change in college.

    – If you get a chance to see a good concert, jump on it. There may not be a next time. Not just shows, either, but any experience that might be cool. Some chances you only get once.

    – Go ahead and get that ship radar endorsement on your First Phone. No reason, just to have.

    – Keep an eye out for this band called “The Ramones”.
    .

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  45. Bad habits are easy to start and hard to end.

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  46. Stay the HELL away from “serious” relationships. These boy-children are not worth your time and energy! Use them, abuse them, and have FUN!

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  47. To the 15 year old me: Drop the hate, live to make yourself and others happy

    Eff the heart, eff the lungs…it’s really the liver that gets you by.

    Even though you are going to catch a deadly disease from him, do the CPR on him anyway. We all gotta die someday, and getting you into the meat wagon with a faint pulse and shallow breathing gave you a chance.

    And to 15 year old me, “You are going to marry the most wonderful woman in the world. Cherish her to the fullest, don’t lie, and give her her space instead of trying to always stand up for her.

    And finally, you are going to fall in love with a true lady in about 20 years. Do what I did and don’t tell her that you love her because you know what a mess you are, and in 2013 you can still Facebook her and see what an absolutely wonderful life she has now.

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  48. I would have told myself to buy as many late 60s big block B-body Mopars that I could afford (working a minimum wage job) to put into dry storage– they were going for way under $2000 back then. Rolling shells with a good title are insanely priced now.

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    Alex Reply:

    Careful investigation of a still existing storage facility would be a must. Add in some really odd-ball custom ordered cars to give the purists a fit when it finally sees the light of day again.

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  49. Chill out. Life gets better and better. Invest in Walmart and Apple. Get in on YouTube in Feb 0f 2005.

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  50. SOILENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! Oh and you had a Shot with Lisa, but you stayed in the friend zone STUPID SUTPID SUTPID! :)

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  51. You can smoke weed until you are about 20. After that. here’s a list of dates that you’ll be given piss tests.

    College is bullshit, nobody cares. Get the easiest degree that isn’t Arts.

    Buy a fuck ton of gold before 2004.

    Never try to fart into someone else’s butthole.

    Invent Facebook. Do nothing with it.

    Fuck everyone you can; have no relationship that lasts longer than 3 months.

    Go to DLI for German, fail out once and rock out into a spanish course. Stay in Monterey as long as possible.

    Don’t buy that house, it’s bullshit. Just wait a few years and build one.

    You’ll need to do all that to get to here:
    Buy that megamillions ticket I just handed you, before the drawing date.

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    ADubb Reply:

    I passed the DLAB with a 128! They wanted me to do a level 4 language, probably Farsi…. I went for MP training. 5+ months in lovely Fort Lost in the Woods misery instead of 2 years in Monterrey. I’m a damn idiot!

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  52. After you leave, you can go back home, but it’ll never be the same as right now.

    Long distance relationships are almost impossible to maintain, especially if you are under 30. Not much better over 30 either.

    In college, have rampant sex with the hot blonde you stayed up with all night.

    Mother has her own agenda, and you want no part of it. Avoid.

    Get your rider’s license sooner, but still go for a Harley so you don’t kill yourself. All drivers *are* trying to kill you when you ride.

    Don’t sweat the details too much, no one else knows what the hell they are doing either.

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  53. ALWAYS trust your intuition; it knows more than you do.

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  54. To my 25 year old self (and this was a no-brainer):
    You know those nerdy guys you are crushing on? Especially the one with the great ass?
    Fuck social circles and pursue that shit. It will make their high school life MUCH more enjoyable, at least!

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  55. To 15 year old Clint….You are going to marry when you are 28. The marriage will last 4 months. 10 years after you be in a junkyard looking for parts for a car you are rebuilding. Don’t look look in the glove comparent of the white Chevrolet Caprice, for inside you will find a huge stack of Polaroids of your beloved ex-wife and what she was doing during thatl 4 months of less than blissful marriage. Seriously, I had to rotate some of them 360 degrees to tell which angle they were taken from.
    And Clint, when you find those pictures, do the right thing and return them to her. The look on her face will be priceless. And when she aks, “WHERE DID YOU GET THESE?” Just smile and tell her you found them in the glove box of a 1966 Chevy Caprice at a junkyard. Priceless!!!!!

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  56. Do not…. are you listening?…do not let Dad get rid of my ’55 Pontiac. He’s gonna get rid of it after you go on the road. Take the keys. Take the title. Whatever it takes. Don’t let that happen.

    There’s going to be this thing called Disco come up in the early/mid ’70s. Don’t freak out. There will be plenty of work. The horn parts are top notch, a blast to play and the money is good too. And also…pay no attention to “Lite” beer.

    …and the Cubs still haven’t won the World Series.

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  57. Get over yourself.
    Don’t assume everyone is as good at something as you are – use the shit out of your talents.
    Speaking of which – that body you have should be celebrated, because it doesn’t last forever.
    Take more pictures.

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  58. Jeff,

    I thought you should know something about “fart incontinence” and airplane travel.

    http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2013/02/16/20584346.html

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  59. Tell your dad to fuck off and go for that degree in Nuclear Engineering…

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  60. Those kids who don’t like you at school will have depressingly pointless lives one day

    AND

    Be nicer to that guy you just met – he will still be the love of your life 20 years later.

    [Reply]

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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