Honing My Jumping To Conclusions Skillz
We had lunch at a Chinese restaurant on Saturday, where I was eavesdropping on a conversation between two people I couldn’t see.
I hadn’t paid them any attention when we walked in, because I was fixated on egg rolls and the terrible music that was playing a little too loudly in the place. It sounded like a woman gargling Listerine over a European technobeat. And what the hell, man?
My back was to this couple, in a position that made it impossible for me to sneak a glance. But I could tell it was a guy and a girl, both young (possibly teenagers), and the dude was a fully-realized homosexual.
He did most of the talking, and sounded like a complete gay stereotype. If an actor portrayed a person in this way it would be called cartoonish, over-the-top, and shockingly offensive. I mean, the guy was lisping and mincing and just gaying it up.
Intrigued, I allowed myself to get drawn into their back-and-forth. I heard him tell the girl about an attempted “power grab” on the prom committee (I swear it’s true), and how his mother and father, while great, don’t truly “get” him.
You don’t say?
The girl mostly just sat there and said “yeah” and “uh huh” as the boy went on and on with all manner of Oprah-style confessions. While I was finishing my egg drop soup he told her he’d watched Marley and Me, and “couldn’t stop crying for days.”
Toney, who wasn’t paying attention to the nearby conversation, noticed I was listening, and said, “Do you think those two are on a date, or what? They seem like an odd pair.”
“On a date?” I answered. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Why?”
“Stop and listen to him for a second.”
So she cocked (if you’ll excuse the expression) her ear in his direction, and said, “Oh, yeah. That’s not a date.”
I told her I hadn’t seen the couple, which was the absolute truth, but wanted to try to describe them to her. Toney agreed to play along, so I paused dramatically, as if taking one final reading of the situation.
“OK, he’s thin and well-dressed. He probably has product in his hair, and is wearing a large silver ring,” I said.
And it turns out I was way off. He was more of a punk/glam kind of a guy. Something along the lines of a cleaner-looking Perry Ferrell, if you can believe it.
Disappointed, I moved on to the girl. “She’s chubby, dressed mostly in black, and is carrying a messenger bag with buttons all over it.”
Bingo! I hit it out of the park. She was exactly as I’d guessed, which made me feel a little better…
Sometimes I worry that I’m losing my jumping-to-conclusions abilities, by living in a place where most people are the same. I need to spend a few weeks in Atlanta, for a tune-up. I really do.
I have two not-so-great Questions for you today. Yes, two. I’m compensating, like a Corvette driver.
I’d like to know what you regularly buy online, and from what companies. I buy CDs, mp3s, and books, and that’s about it. I use Amazon, half dotcom, secondspin, and eMusic. What about you?
Also, what laws have you broken today? I haven’t been out of the house, so I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong yet. But I fully intend to exceed the speed limit on my way to work. Oh wait! I did listen to a Guadalcanal Diary album this morning, which was obtained through questionable means.
I think most people break laws all the time, if you want to get overly technical about it. So, what crimes have you committed recently? Use the comments to confess.
And finally, let’s try something a little different… The fax number to the Surf Report bunker is 570 585 6856. How about drawing me a picture of your boss, and faxing it to me? I’ll keep your identity secret, and share it with the readers.
Or, if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, just send me something interesting, and I’ll post the best ones at the site later in the week.
And that’s all I have for today, boys and girls.
See ya tomorrow!
Filed under: Daily
ah ha
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Huh?
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Turd !
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The Surf Report Bunker’s Mojo wire goes active. Excellent! I have visions of Jann Wenner and Hunter S. Thompson.
I buy just about everything on Amazon.
Laws? Hmm . . . I did not have a nutritious breakfast this morning, that’s about it.
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BWAHAHAHA!
I can send Jeff a picture!
WHOO!!!!
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!
I get to put my artistic abilities to good and frivolous use?!?
Excellent, I’m on it. Now what media should I use? Pencil? Ink and Pen? Crayon?
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Hey Im third and I never comment!!
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No you are not and yes you do!
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The first fax just arrived, and I’m already laughing my ass off…
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Faxes? Faxes? I ain’t got no stinking fax.
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This one goes to eleven!
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I currently have no boss, but I did fax a cartoon that I find HIL-ARIOUS.
I jaywalked Haight Street with the Beast this morning. It’s only noon, though…
I pre-ordered Green Day’s new album on iTunes last night. That’s the only place I buy music anymore, and I live a block away from Amoeba. Who wants to shop with hipsters, anyway?
Happy Monday, Surfers!
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Lucky 13!
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No. 13!!! Yes!
Do you think the dude has done the “nasty” to confirm the gayness?
Breaking laws is tough to do when you are a stay at home mom? Maybe I’ll “speed” to the grocery store next time around.
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Breaking the law hmmmm! I once shot a guy in Reno just to watch him die!
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Regular online buys: Tires and all Christmas presents, all the time. Yes I try to use Jeff’s Amazon link.
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I buy lot’s-o-things online. My latest “issue” according to my wife, is my Kindle 2 addiction. I average about three books a week while lounging around the house without turning on the PC…plus I don’t have a million old books sitting around I’ll never read again. I’m really surprised you haven’t picked up a Kindle 2 yet Mr. Kay…your cheap, lazy ass would love it. Order directly from the Kindle 2 and it shows up in about a minute.
Only laws broken thus far is the speed limit, but I’ll try harder this afternoon.
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i don’t buy too much online, but i did go on a recent 4 cd spree (yes, for me, that’s a spree) through jeff’s amazon link.
i do have to buy my deodorant online – i’m really allergic to antiperspirant, and the only product i found that works is just not in stores anywhere.
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I do all my Christmas shopping on line. Have for years. As far as regular purchases I buy books, CDs, DVDs, Ink cartridges for the printer and posters. Oh, and t-shirts.
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Based upon today’s date,
which law will be broken in celebration?
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Yeah, Bill in PA. They’re making a big deal over at UC Santa Cruz (duh) about the large crowds that gather on today’s date and *partake*. Here in the Haight, they don’ t need no stinking date – it’s an every day occurance at, you know, 4:20.
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Laws broken today: Exceeded the speed limit (twice), turned right on a red light where prohibited, executed a rolling stop at a deserted intersection, looked at internet porn on a computer other than my own, ate the last slice of leftover pizza without seeing if anyone else wanted it, cursed at an old woman, and farted in an elevator. I think that’s about it.
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Online? Golf shoes from Zappos for me, jewelry charms for my wife at always-forever, a pinewood derby kit for my kid (he finished in 5th place…out of 41). and music from i tunes.
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Online Purchases: I purchase mp3s (also a loyal eMusic fan) and books online. In the past I shopped at eBay a lot (old games and paintball supplies mainly), but haven’t done so for several years.
Broken Laws: As of 3:30 pm today I broke the speed limit numerous times, did several rolling stops, listened to some downloaded music of questionable source, and several flagrant violations of PIPEDA (Canadian privacy legislation). On my way home from work I will break the speed limit and commit several yet to be determined violations of the Highway Traffic Act. This evening I will likely indulge in the illicit use of narcotics.
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I don’t obey traffic laws (speed limits, seat belt, red lights, etc). I’m also driving around with expired tags. I’m a modern day Billy the Kid.
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The only law I broke today was the speed limit. I will have to bear down and try harder later. My boss looks like Mr. Burns from the simpsons. Jeff, you will love it!
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i don’t consider anything under 15 mph over the speed limit as really speeding. therefore, i have not broken the law today.
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Continually break the speed limit laws so much so that I think the song “I can’t drive 55″ was written exclusively for me.
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I broke the laws of gravity today. I have a stomach bug of some sort and I’m pretty sure I turned inside out a few times. Blah.
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I also do not obey any traffic laws…. I speed, do not wear seatbelts, have expired tags, do rolling stops everywhere, and between my house and work there are three “no turn on red” stoplights which I constantly turn red on. I also committed 6 other crimes, two of which are federal, and none of which can be repeated.
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Did 80 in a 65 on the turnpike, and blew thru a stop sign that is strictly for tourists. Uhm, turned right on red when theres a sign that says not to.
Pic of my boss, to follow. Listening to music obtained by the spouse, truly questionable.
Other than the boss pic, its a standard day.
Order books, music and the random ebay purchase/sale. That’s all for online shopping for me.
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Did crop dust through the hall a bit ago but thats not illegal, its just wrong.
Thats what we call passing gas here, crop dusting. It only qualifies as crop dusting if you are 1. walking while deploying, 2. in someone elses area, 3. swift 4. untraceable.
Super fun.
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I exceeded the speed limit several times today on my way to the grocery store. Later on, I’ll be drunk at home, which I believe is entirely legal.
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Amazon is by far my favorite online store, I have 2 to 4 Amazon parcels delivered each week on average. Most recent order was yesterday and was some baby bibs and new brass brush for clean grill grates. Amazon is like WalMart without the sales tax and toothless people. Diapers get delivered next day (even with the free, supposedly slow shipping), cheaper than anywhere else too – you can’t beat that. I also shop online at Fry’s and Staples a lot.
No laws broken today. I would have broken speed limits if I’d left the house today but I haven’t.
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I really don’t buy anything online, support your local retailer. Ebay does get occasional use for non typical items that you can’t source locally, but with their dumbass paypal only crap thats at pretty near a halt.
Laws broken… Everyday I roll through the stop sign they installed on my street a few years ago. I call it my protest stop. (dumb neighbour thought a stop sign will slow down cars and reduce cut-through traffic–dumbass didn’t listen to me when I told him it’ll make it easier for cut through traffic and it’ll increase…longer rant/story available). Speeding-always. Tailgating those below the speedlimt.. Utilizing stale yellow lights. Using the internet at work for personal stuff. Parked in somebody elses spot. Idled for more than 5 minutes. Thats all I recall, I’m sure theres more.
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i finished my drawing, on company time, and i must say that the likeness is absolutely uncanny… only, now I’m too paranoid to fax it. I might have to find a fax machine elsewhere.
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I did not eat the recommended 5 servings of fruits and vegetables on Saturday or Sunday. Is that against the law? Also, I collected a small amount of branches and twigs to use for firewood in a National Park over the weekend. I am going to go turn myself in now. I just hope I don’t have to do that much hard prison time before I can be released back out into society.
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online Purchases: Hats and Shirts from WVSR
Broken laws today? Sodomy, Speeding, Talking to a guy taking a whiz in the baffroom
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Broke lots of laws today while driving to and from New Jersey. Speeding, unsafe lane change, tailgating, coasted through several stop signs, talking on cell phone while driving, failure to yield, littered many cigarette butts out car window. Carrying concealed handgun in NJ without a permit.
Not bad for a Monday.
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Brandy,
You need to fax it. I faxed mine already. We each have to do our part.
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1.Sped
2.Jaywalked
” gaying it up” made me laugh loudly in the middle of class, kudos sir.
However in the title you spelled skills with a Z. I don’t know whether you were trying to be relevant or ironic, but either way it made me wince.
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Breaking the law hmmmm! I once bought an ice cream in Jersey just to watch it melt!
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Broke the 420 law at 9:20 this morning. I don’t buy much online except computer stuff, like memory sticks and a few programs, and of course, all my WVSR paraphernalia.
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Newegg, Fry’s and absolutely addicted to SlickDeals.net.
Yes I am a consumer whore!!!
http://forums.slickdeals.net/forumdisplay.php?f=9
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Flea medicine for the cats. That is all.
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Today, only speeding – specifically “exceeding the posted limit”. There was no opportunity for “excessive speed for conditions”, which I haven’t done since Thursday. Sunday I jaywalked.
I regularly buy books, CDs, and DVDs from Amazon (via Jeff’s link, of course) and I get my GeekStuff (disk drives, motherboards etc.) from newegg.com. Also the odd T-shirt and the like here and there; apart from WVSR stuff, I also like dieselsweeties.com for shirts, and I have a couple of mugs from thinkgeek.com.
I’ll try to get that fax out, but I’m not sure my drawing skillz are up to par.
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I am a nerdy shirt and tie guy and buy all of my dress shirts online at Lands End. The things have ben the same price forever (I think Fred McMurray bought his shirts from Lands End and paid 29.95 – same as I do today ) and my neck size has not changed a bit and I will refuse to admit that it has changed even f my head blows up like a balloon when I button the top button.
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Ooh ooh, speaking of Corvettes, I have a great corvette joke…
What’s the difference between a Corvette and a porcupine?
…
The porcupine keeps it’s pricks on the outside!
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Illegal today?
Drank beer in a park, and got caught. Well not totally caught, but it was looking bad… I had to help the cop pour out SOMEONE ELSE’S beer, while mine resided safely in a backpack hidden in plain view.
*shrug*
I’m now sipping on one of my survivor Coors Light’s.
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I regularly download music from iTunes, shop on Amazon, and puchase t-shits from tshirthell.com. (much to all my friends shagrin, I love obnoxious t-shirts)
As for broken laws, well, I sped on the freeway home from work, but not fast enough to set off the photo radar =)
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@Knucklehead: Sister, I feel your pain.
You have hippies, we have whitetail deer.
What they have in common:
They stand around with stupid looks on their faces.
They meander into and disrupt traffic.
They hang out in groups.
They NEVER talk to or acknowledge you.
They eat your vegetables and NEVER plant any.
You’re not allowed to SHOOT them, especially in residential areas.
They shit on your lawn.
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Could we e-mail boss pics?
Seriously, fax? What is this? 1994?
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I used my cell phone sans Bluetooth while driving — a no-no in the state of CA — because 1. I’m too cheap to purchase a device that hooks into my car’s audio system, and 2. I refuse to become one of those jackasses that walks around with an earbud, all self-important-like. Since I loathe people who use their time behind the wheel to max out their cell plans, it’s hard to admit that on the rare occasion, I break this law. I like to think I’m better than that. Pardon me while I climb down from my high horse.
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You can send Jeff faxes for free through the internet W/O a fax machine. Small ad on cover letter that is all.
http://faxzero.com/
Jeff’s fax number again
570 585 6856
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The “O” (Overstock.com) is the shit. And for those shoe lovers out there ….Endless.com is tits on a ritz!!!
Next day delivery and truely endless selection. Oh, they have purses/bags too!
Breaking the law?…Hmmmm. Well, I plead the 5th.
BUT, I do have a question for those against cell phone use while driving. Although, there are those who can’t chew gum and walk a straight line let alone driving through rush hour traffic totally unaware of their surroundings. … Vehicles are becoming a little “livingroom” lately! With DVD players, radio’s that take a scientist to program, heating/AC with individual settings….Holy “OO7″…ejector seats and bullit spewing headlights can’t be far behind! Isn’t this shit is a MAJOR distraction too? Just a little rant…I’m over it now.
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I regularly use Amazon for a variety of things. I have a friend who gets free shipping if shipped from Amazon, so I abuse it when I can.
I buy my body lotion at FragranceUp.com because it’s the only place I can find it since Bath and Body Works no longer sells it.
I buy my shower gel (Perlier Honey Cream) at Perlier.com because it’s the only place I can find it.
I buy my protein wafers from vitaglo.com.
I buy my jeans from Levis.com.
I hate shopping, so if I can get it for a good price online, I will.
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[i]Talking to a guy taking a whiz in the baffroom[/i]
Thats a violation of man law right there, much worse than breaking state or federal law.
I hereby sentence you to five years hard labor, in poppa half shirt’s secret pleasure dungeon.
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How bout a guy that prepares to piss long before getting to the urinal? I once saw a guy unzip his pants and pull his frog through the gate all while standing in the middle of the room talking. Then he paused for a moment with his hands on his hips, his pale little meat stick hanging down, and started telling a “joke”. I was petrified. This happened at the movie theator. Also, I’m the guy that did it. Just kidding.
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Bill in PA – I that almost make me do a spit take!
Thanks, I needed that!
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Sodomy is against the law?
Bastards!
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Thankfully it’s today, so I don’t have to answer questions about what laws I broke yesterday. I did do some hatin’ and some covetting and was wishing for a good smiting or two, but that’s more biblical law-breaking, isn’t it?
My boss is the nicest guy in the world, so I simply cannot besmich him with a cartoon…besides, how do you draw a cataclysmic speech impediment? Instead, I shall send a picture of the most easily mockable boss ever. What’s not to like about a frizz-headed yellow-toothed nose-picker??.
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Older or hard to find movies from Amazon – just bought the Dead Like Me new movie for a surprise gift for my husband; and Mother Parkers coffee from Thunder Bay. It’s the only place I have been able to find it. Can’t find it in stores locally but had it down east (PEI) this past summer and love it! To make the shipping worthwhile ($11!) I buy 3 large cans which last a considerable time.
Speeding on a daily basis.
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