by "Buck"

March 22, 2005

I feel like I'm 15 years old again.  I had an epiphany this week.  One of those mind altering experiences where two of your worlds collide-unannounced, unexpectedly, and in a completely innocent way.  I'll explain.

I've only had my "heart broken" three times in my life by a female.  You know what I'm talking about-we've all had them.  They're not fun and the hurt-I'm now learning-can linger for years. 

One of those was Amy-and was the last time I recall one of those tragic events where you come to the realization that she can't stand you, and it's not going to work out and a parting of the ways is in order.  That wasn't quite the case-my relationship with Amy didn't end in a violent, obscenity laced screaming match.  Oh no, it ended in a much more painful way.  It ended when I went to her house unannounced one evening and another guy joined her at the door.     I can still recall feeling all of the blood run out of my face and the knot that developed in the pit of my gut as I laid eyes on the two of them.  He had a smug grin on his face-as if he were enjoying the fact that he'd just slain my very existence.     

I was uncharacteristically calm about all of this, and about the only way I can explain it was I was in shock.  On any other occasion I would have kicked the door the rest of the way open, tackled this guy and slammed him across the dining room table, and began wailing on his face with my fist.  But I didn't, oh I wanted to-I could feel the adrenalin rush.  I could feel the heat deep inside burning its way toward the surface.. but I didn't react.  I just looked at them with a dumfounded stare and gaping jaw.  It was some of the worst pain I'd ever experienced.  Oh my God how that hurt.  I remember aimlessly walking off her porch and down the street.. wandering for two hours for no reason.  I couldn't erase the picture from my mind.   

Well, they say time heals old wounds-but fate has a way of ripping open the scab years later doesn't it.  I ran into Amy about a month later at the WVU basketball game-we talked for about 20-minutes, but I couldn't bring up the subject-it was almost like an awareness that this had come to a conclusion and there was no use talking about it.  Since that night I hadn't seen her.  That was a good 12 years ago.  I see the guy-now her husband-a lot.  He's some big shot lawyer in Charleston and beloved by a large crowd.. so I run into him from time to time.  He tries to engage in conversation-but I literally ignore him.  I don't speak in more than grunts and short answers.. I continue to suppress my rage at this guy.   

Wouldn't you know.. the other day I walk into Kroger's (we use the 's in W.Va.)  and was perusing the bananas.  Out of nowhere, this smoking hot woman speaks to me---by name-and is oozing with sweetness.  My mouth watered she was so hot and my heart began to beat a little faster.  I had no idea who it was until she said,  "You don't remember me.. I'm Amy."  Holy shit those words unleashed a flood wall of emotions that engulfed me.  I could only stammer and stutter.  I abruptly ended the conversation and headed off to the detergent aisle.  I literally stopped and tried to control my breathing.  I was almost certain I'd have a heart attack right there.  I thought my chest was going to explode along with my head in a spectacular spontaneous combustion.  It was at that moment I realized I really wasn't over this thing.  I still, apparently harbor some deep emotional feelings for this girl-now woman-that I've obviously repressed.  The whole episode has left my head spinning and it's like reliving a nightmare all over again.   

I wonder if the company's major medical covers a shrink?   Nah, fuck it.. I'll just deal with it like I do everything else.  Screw it and move on.  

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