Here Are 15 of My Ideas for New Cable Channels. Care to Add to the List?

gilbert-gottfriedBarely Missed Putts:  footage of golf balls barely missing the hole, 24 hours a day.

Drunk People Talking About Politics, Love, and the Reasons Why Everything Is Fucked and Will Always Be Fucked

The Choking Channel: ‘round the clock video of people choking on food.

Famous People Underwater

Local Weather Forecasts of the Late 1980s

Assembly Lines of the Orient

African-American Sailing

The Front Door:  non-stop footage of fat guys with oversized sideburns and fedoras, sometimes capes, entering and leaving video game stores.

The Too Soon Channel:  a broadcast home for people who like to make jokes about tragedies shortly after they occur.

Retail Pep Talks: Eavesdrop as retail managers fire up their crews.

Collation!

Cubicle Workers Airing Their Grievances

Racist Diatribes with the Greatest Generation

Newscasters Rolling Their Rs

Pixilated Nudity and Ragtime:  Heavily pixilated nude scenes from movies, accompanied by ragtime music.

Admittedly, a few of those might work better as a half-hour weekly program, but I’m pushing for the full network treatment.  Hell, why not?

In the comments section, please add to the list.  We can do much better than a measly 15 new television channels.  Right?!

And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
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44 Responses to “Here Are 15 of My Ideas for New Cable Channels. Care to Add to the List?”

  1. first!

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  2. People With Hats Worn Crooked are Sucker Punched Channel

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    madz1962 Reply:

    Damn, Ozzie! I had to fake a coughing fit at work to hide my laughing.

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  3. Zamfir. All Zamfir, all the time.

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    Vegasrandall Reply:

    yes! some serious bar crawling!

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  4. Toddler’s First Potty Training Channel. Just clips of the bloopers and faux pas.

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  5. Drive-thru-mania… A 24 hour a day camera focused on various fast food drive thru’s around America.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Taco Bell After Midnight; Stoners and drunks ordering food would be amusing.

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  6. –The Wal-Mart Channel. Security camera footage from the world’s largest retailer.

    –Dash-Cam Central. Some of the nation’s best police dash-cam videos all day!

    –The Fast Food Channel.

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    m Reply:

    I would definitely watch the first two.

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  7. –TSA Network. The most memorable pat-downs. What they found and where they found it!

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  8. Race for 2 Channel

    Footage from liquor stores starting at 1.50 in the morning showing drunks trying to get that last purchase in before the 2am cut off.

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  9. I second the Walmart channel-that would be Emmy award-winner material!

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  10. Caught on Camera! – Faux vegans at Wendys.

    Hidden Dressing Room Cams. XXL cramming into M’s.

    Pissing Contests. Actual urinating pissing contests.

    Singing in the Shower. Can you crack the tile?

    On the Road! Playing Rock, Paper, scissor in real rock gardens as we cruise across America.

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  11. Nursing Home Channel. Sleeping, slobbering, drugged up Grandmas strapped in their chairs

    Tattoo Channel. Hour after hour of teenage tarts getting their ass cheeks inked.

    Crack House. Watch the drug whores share the needles.

    Toilet Cam. Fresh logs dumped at the largest truck stops.

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  12. The Sample Channel: Nonstop programming of sample vultures at Sam’s Club, Costco and elsewhere, plus behind the scenes interviews with the poor saps tasked with handing out these samples.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    The first interview in this series “Do Rubber Gloves Chafe?”

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  13. The Wal Mart Channel almost exists on TLC with all their white trash shows about trailer parks and gypsies and what not.

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  14. A show entitled “THAT came outta ME??!!”
    Would cover everything from frat houses to delivery rooms.

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  15. Bingo – watching old folks play Bingo in a smoke filled room.

    Piquant Pukers – Mostly college aged girls throwing up.

    Death Row – Watch inmates consume their last meal then watch them be executed.

    Pizza Delivery – A helmet cam captures people making pizza deliveries.

    EuroPot – A slideshow of European toilets.

    The Ordeal – people are tortured in various ways and their guilt or innocence is determined by their injuries, or lack thereof.

    Hat Chat – A man with cap collection that fills his garage (some with witty sayings such as “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For Thomas E. Dewey” spends hour after hour discussing what each cap means to him, where he got it, etc.

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  16. Crowded-elevator cameras showing reactions to farts.

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  17. Password – A man of considerable strength picks a random word like “Salt” and shares it with the TV audience. He then walks up to people in public and demands the password from them. Those that guess incorrectly are swiftly punched in the breadbasket (stomach). Anyone that correctly guesses the password is given $20 and sent on their way.

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  18. I really really want a channel dedicated to technology we use and how to keep it running and utilize it’s potential.

    24-7 tutorials on replacing your cracked screen, killing malware and computing tips that make us more productive.

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  19. There used to be one, called Computer Chronicals, until G4-Tech TV bought the network and cancelled the show.

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  20. Leo LaPorte was the host.

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  21. - The Abe Vigoda Channel.
    – Korean soap operas with subtitles in Mandarin. Wait, that one exists.
    – 24/7 street lunatics.
    .

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  22. Nancy and Nossie 24/7 Channel. I would pay for that premium content.

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    m Reply:

    Oh yeah I would definitely be paying for that.

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  23. Cat Clips-all cats, all day
    Medical Game Show Channel-Guess that Parasite, Real Life Operation, ER Survivor

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    chill Reply:

    Firesign did something like that about 1000 years ago. A game show called “Beat the Reaper!” The premise is that you are infected with a deadly disease. If you can correctly identify your symptoms before succumbing, you’re given the antidote and YOU WIN!!1!!!
    .

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Damn near caused me to give up weed for five or ten minutes.

    jtb

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    And by the way, how can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?

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    chill Reply:

    How do you make your voice do that?
    .

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  24. On the TSA channel they could have a show staring Corky from Life goes On as Patrick Downs – TSA Supervisor.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    I should hate myself for laughing but I don’t.

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  25. Based on the pic, I can’t believe nobody has suggested the Gilbert Gottfried channel. All Gilbert, all insults, all the time: aflac.

    jtb

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  26. Stuttering Soup – the camera zooms in on a bowl of soup while someone with a severe stuttering problem stumbles through the singing of “Hey Jude”.

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    shinywilly Reply:

    With Mel Tillis as the host!

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  27. Ukranian Game Show Channel. Featuring hit contests such as “Who Wants a Meal?” and “Sell your Daughter to an American Business Man”

    Animal Mouths – animals chewing food

    Waist High Channel – All your favorite TV shows refilmed from the waist down.

    C-Span X – Extreme C-Span where you can see all your favorite Congressman doing extreme activities such as Sky diving, answering direct questions, white water kayaking, and showing up to work. (Sponsered by Mountain Dew)

    Lost Bits – A rotating schedule of showing lost sets of keys, wallets, belts, remote controls, and allen wrenches.

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  28. “I got thirteen channels of shit on the TV to choose from” – Nobody Home, by Pink Floyd

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  29. “Yawn Wars”. Famous and not so famous people face off in extreme yawning. This week…Professor of Antiquities Dillon Lambert presents number four in his series of nine lectures on why pottery hasen’t changed since it’s inseption, while seamstress Debbie McClaren counters with her, “Seventeen different substitutes for sequins”.

    “Bacon is the Light”. 24 hours a day in praise of Bacon. This weeks specials…”Bacon and the Passion”. “Is Bacon right for a Mason”? Also…”How I welcomed back Bacon into my life”. Also…”Weekend hoilday menu recipes seem lackluster? Need a new idea? Just ask…”What would Bacon do”?
    Coming next week…”The seven ways of how Kevin Bacon honors bacon”. Also…a rare, never before seen interview with Mr. Haney and his unnatural relationship with Arnold Ziffel.

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  30. The ACK
    Short for the Acronym Channel
    Dedicated to shows with acronym titles like MASH, NCIS, CSI, etc.
    Their slogan could be we’re too lazy to say it, so we shortened it.

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  31. LGBT(Q) Newlywed Game

    and

    LGBT(Q) Divorce Court.

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  32. WEIRDOS SPOTTED AT WALMART. That would garner a richer audience than OWN.

    Based on the frequency of NCIS reruns, I wonder if there should be an “NCIS RERUNS” channel.

    [Reply]

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