Help Me Lose Fifty Pounds, My Friends, Before I Have to Buy a Bra!
Last night was the first time I’ve struggled a bit with my no beer pledge. We were finished with dinner early, the weather was absolute perfection, and I REALLY wanted to walk to the yuppie bar with Toney and enjoy a few over-hopped microbrews on the patio. But I stayed the course, thank you very much.
I don’t even know how long it’s been, but a long time. Many weeks. It’s good. I feel better, and my bank account is happy about it, as well. I’m going to keep going, and see where it takes me. No grand proclamations, or anything… I know better than to make any grand proclamations at this point.
I’m now wanting to drop some weight, as well, and get in better shape. I’m fairly swaddled. I’m 6 ft, 250 lbs. Not super-obese, but undeniably fat. If I could get down to a weight that starts with a 1, I’d be happy.
This morning I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, while stepping into the shower, and for a split second thought it was the robot from Lost in Space. My brain was thrown into confusion, because a robot should not be in our bathroom. Ya know?
I’m also reaching a point where my mother should probably take me to the mall and let me pick out my first bra. It’s a rite of passage, I hear. And I’m almost there.
So, I need to drop fifty pounds. Have any of you lost that much weight, or more? How did you do it? Cocaine? Meth? How? If you have any sane suggestions for me, I’m all ears. Well, ears and quite a substantial gut.
However… I’m not eating slimy salads for the rest of my life. I’ve been down that road, and it’s not happening again. It’s what I mean by “sane suggestions.” If I have to walk around starving, yet DREADING, mealtime, it’s just not going to work. I’ll say ‘funk dat’ before Day 3 has ended.
I know a guy who lost massive weight in six or eight weeks, on something called the Insanity Workout. Apparently there’s an infomercial for this deal? I wouldn’t know, since I never watch TV. But he’s doing it, and he’s skinnier every time I see him.
A few days ago I asked him about it, and he told me it’s super-intense, and he’s actually missed two days of work because he was so fatigued he was unable to get out of bed in the morning. What the hell?? Perhaps he’s overdoing it a bit? He doesn’t strike me as the Nostrils type, but what do I know about it?
I won’t be doing the Insanity Workout, and I won’t be eating slime salads. I’d rather stay… portly, than endure that kind of nonsense. There’s got to be a better way, right? Help me out, Surf Reporters. Tell me how to get rid of fitty pounds (the equivalent of a 2nd grader), without going the Jack Bauer torture route.
Also, if you have any personal weight loss or no-beer stories to tell — good or bad — please share.
And I need to go to work now, on my day off. Man, that really broils my brisket… It’s exactly the last thing I want to do today. Oh well.
I know I owe you guys a Nancy update, and will try to get ‘er done on Saturday/Sunday. Watch your email inbox for details on how to access this super-secret document. You know, if you’re a Surf Report VIP… If you’re not, well, it’s your fault, not mine.
Also, since I’m divulging too much information today, I thought I’d share a current photo of myself — which will possibly accompany an upcoming newspaper interview. Here it is, in all its gray-haired glory — a rare peak inside the Surf Report compound.
I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Crossroads Road for your Kindle: just $2.99!
Filed under: Daily
Jeff–I don’t have any mirrors in my house. That really helps!!! Drink lots of water, smaller portions, don’t starve yourself cuz then you’ll eat everything in sight!! Walk Andy (aka Black Lips Hooligan) every morning(?) Push away from the table a little earlier is what my doctor tells me. Whatever!!!!
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I lost fifty pounds, eating slime salads. South Beach, but when I reached my goal, I treated myself to a quarter pounder. This began a slide that didn’t stop until I was back at 250.
Only way to lose weight is to burn more calories than you take in. Giving up the beer is a good way to cut calories, I’m a bit suprised you didn’t shed a few pounds already.
Exercise and diet my friend is the only way to get it off and keep it off, like Sheryl said walk Andy everyday, and keep cognisant of everything you eat.
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Jeff Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 1:50 pm
I have! I was EVEN fatter two months ago.
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1 again! NO way!
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Steve in WV Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Damn!
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I concur with Sheryl – just eat what you do now, just a couple bites less of it, and exercise. Even a 30 minute walk everyday will get the metabolism moving again. Lots of water, especially before a meal, will help you feel full faster.
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Jeff, I am a pro at dropping weight and doing it fast. Never 50 pounds before, but 20-30. I compete in weightlifting and have to meet weight class requirements. This seems to work for long term loss….no more than 1800 calories per day. Increase your protein intake to a minimum of 1 gram per pound of body weight. 1 1/2 is better. Some type of cardio 5 days a week and hit the weights for at least 30 minutes twice a week. You don’t have to kill yourself, just basic lifts. You should be able to drop 50 pounds in about 7 months. For long term loss, try to keep your loss to around 2 pounds per week,
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Amos Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 12:47 am
Jerry is right. Increasing muscle mass is the best for long term weight loss. Muscles burn more calories than fat, so if you have more muscle mass than someone, you will burn more fat than they will, even if you’re just sitting down. I followed a book called Body for Life and it’s excellent. I lost 20 pounds and my husband 40 (those were our goals.) Food is not too strict and you can eat 6 times a day. Lift weights one day, do cardio the next. Weight lifting last no more than 45 minutes and cardio no more than 20 minutes. The book not only has great information, but will motivate the hell out of you also.
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no beer makes homer something something
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hot fuzz Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 8:21 pm
Go Crazy????
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WB in OH Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Don’t mind if do!
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I hate all this sort of thing, but my wife swears by the lifestyle changes of the Weight Watchers program. When She started I lost 15 solid pounds just by being on the periphery of her diet plan. So I imagine if you were to do that sort of thing it would help cut back.
I haven’t had any homework beer for the entire last part of my degree program. Now I just don’t get the urge. There have been the same 2 cans of cheap-o beer and 1 bottle of Kilt Lifter in the fridge for about 2 months now. They don’t even look appealing. Maybe I screwed up and my brain now connects beer with homework, and therefore doesn’t want it anymore.
Here is a review of another famous diet program I’ve heard of.
http://thewvsr.com/alli.htm
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Cut out lard.
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Jerry in WV Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 2:12 pm
And……………no more bowls of fat with the head of Alfreado Garcia!
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I am a fatty, fatty, two by four and doomed to stay that way, I fear–I have lost and then regained plus 20 more quite a few times.
Working with someone who maintains the perfect weight, it appears to quite hard, I must say. She never eats anything really, really good. Most everything she puts in her mouth seems to be nutrition rich. Basically does not put one bite in her mouth after 6 p.m. and never, never, never eats between meals or has dinner with her family unless it is on the weekend and then she generally brings 2/3 of whatever her meal was to work on Monday for lunch. Goes to the gym at least 3 nights per week and walks for an hour or two on the other days. Yeah, she looks real good–but, damn, I just can’t do that. She would probably cut off her hand before she would dip a piece of seafood in drawn butter and eat it. I, on the other hand, have stuck my finger in the drawn butter and licked it.
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Tiff Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 10:48 am
seconded.
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you want to lose weight.
What you gotta do is, you gotta chew sugar-free gum.
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Twice in past two years I have lost 50 pounds in less than 3 months. Granted, I have put it back on each time, as I felt no need to keep it off.
The first time was to get to a desirable weight to work for the sheriff’s dept. But, there were other problems that caused them to deny me. although there are 350 pound fatasses upholding the illegals here.
The second time was to win money in a weight loss contest at work, which I dominated. Then I took my winnings and ate entire pizzas for lunch and goined it all back again.
Currently, I weigh 270.
The secret, both times were excercise, of course. Played a lot of sports with my teenager, so you have that tool. Fish oil capsules- three a day to start, then up to six once your system gets used to it. Provides lots of fecal rocket action. And cut out meat nearly all together. I can still eat black beans, with spanish rice, salsa and fat free sour cream EVERY day and not get tired of it. Beans and rice should always be a staple meal, once a day.
I haven’t drank in 15 1/2 years. Didn’t seem to help me lose weight at all and I miss it every day. Can’t find the money I was supposed to save either.
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When the atkins thing was all the rage I lost a fuckton of weight. I already love meat so it wasn’t a big deal. I remember the only crunchy thing I could have was pork rinds, and I’m not a big fan of those, so I gave it up. I went to Olive Garden and ate three baskets of bread sticks.
When I was making a lot less money I decided to switch from beer to vodka because it was a lot cheaper. But that shit’ll sneak up on you. One moment you’re fine the next moment you’re talking like a stroke victim.
There’s this girl that works for me, she’s every bit of 400 pounds. She goes and gets shots all the time. I don’t know what it is but it’s supposedly helping her lose weight while allowing her to still eat a whole goddamn sack of hamburgers. Even though she’s huge, she’s probably still an “A” cup. That’s one of the reasons I hate her.
She showed me her feet this morning because she went and had a pedophile (or whatever) last night, and I almost threw up. Her feet look like loaves of bread and her pinky toe jets off in a weird direction. And now she has long shiny toenails sticking out of her dough. It’s just gross.
I watched that ghost show all of you were talking about the other day. It got old fast. Just a couple of guys walking around saying, “What the hell was that? What the hell was that? What the hell was that?” over and over.
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WB in OH Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Jesus man, warn us when you’re gonna go and get all funny, has pedophile and loaves of bread ever been in the same paragraph.
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dto Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 8:49 pm
I worked with Wanda the Weeble who was constantly eating something. Constantly as in constantly. She told me if she didn’t keep eating she would gain weight. Honest. There are some logics I have yet to disprove as she managed to keep her weight around 350. She was about 5’6”.
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Jeezus Christ! You look like my Uncle Norman now.
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SeanInSac Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 1:33 am
I was going to say he looks my my Uncle Ron, heh.
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I’ve lost 115lbs. since last May. My secret is sandwiches. I found something I enjoyed eating when I was fat and just continued doing that. I just eat good stuff and I run and keep my calories at a reasonable amount. 1500 calories a day can go a long way if you eat good stuff. It’s really nothing magical once you think about. I’ve struggled with my weight for many years, but once I found a routine that stuck, it has been fairly simple. I lost quite a bit rather quickly, but now I avg. about 2lbs. per week. 20 more to go and I’m done. I’ve done all of this and still managed to have a cheat day on Saturdays, I eat AND drink whatever I want. It’s the only way I stay sane! Good luck, once you get started it’s easy peasy.
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sunshine_in_va Reply:
July 6th, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Fuck you!
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I lost almost 50 lbs. by taking diet pills (phentermine). I felt the best and happiest I’ve ever felt in my whole life for about four years (I’m about the same age as Jeff). But you can’t take them forever because they are expensive, hard to get, and probably in the long run bad for my health, and I had to stop. Gained most of the weight back and the withdrawal was hard. Not sure if it was worth it, but maybe.
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I’ve got a set of “moobs”, myself. I’m sorta built like ‘Mr. Incredible’ before he started working out!
I lost a bunch of weight a few years ago just by cutting back on intake and drinking plenty of water. Lifestyle changes make it happen, not “diets.” Don’t deny yourself stuff, just don’t overdo it.
I was fairly motivated then because we had a little jackpot at work and whoever lost the most got it. I didn’t win it, which is why I’m pretty much back where I started!
Pass the Krispy Kremes…
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hot fuzz Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 8:30 pm
We were at Mohekan Sun (am I even close with the spelling???) on Wednesday and lost $30 pushing buttons on the slots. So I decided to drown my sorrow with a KK kreme filled khokolate iked …. and it tasted like another. I could feel the sugar krystals in the kreme,,,, yulilikious
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hot fuzz Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 8:31 pm
could s/b kould
oops
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Short-n-sweet Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 11:36 pm
I think the sugar from the Krispy Kreme’s sent you into a partial diabetic coma there at the end. I have no idea what the hell you said, but I laughed anyway.
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I look like Elvis……three days after he died.
I like to eat in bed. I’ve been thinking about getting one of those tiny refrigerators and making it into a night stand. I’d probably die.
One thing I’ve always wondered. Those people that are stuck in bed for 12 years or whatever, one day they have to just say “fuck it” and call in fat to work.
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Airandee Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 10:30 am
If you make the other nightstand a Microwave you should be good to go.
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Jeff, you are lucky. I’m roughly in the same weight class, 5’10″ 230lbs. You are lucky not to have the Jabba-the-Hut neck like I have.
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Skully Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 2:45 pm
BTW, cigarettes will knock weight off of you, but you won’t be able to breathe so good. It will feel like you’re fat even after you’ve lost the 50 lbs.
Ain’t that a bitch?
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Chuck in Belpre Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 8:49 pm
uh…no they won’t.
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“Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!”
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I quit drinking alcohol recently and dropped 35 lbs immediately. I still have about 50 to go, but I am still mourning Mr. Mondavi too much to really try anything serious. Curves really worked for me a couple years ago, didn’t have to cut the calories too much w all the exercise, but it’s a woman’s club, not very helpful, sorry.
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Start taking Alli and then visit Ryan’s a few times a week.
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Jeff, since you took illicit substances off the table, I’ve got no advice….
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If it’s white, don’t bite. Eliminate bread and pasta. Replace a baked potato with a yam or sweet potato. Beat off more often for exercise.
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hot fuzz Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 8:33 pm
But remember to alternate hands … otherwise one bicep will look like Popeye and the other bicep like OliveOyle
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My husband is a tech-addict. Anything technology. Anything charts and graphs, too. He downloaded the “lose it” app for free. Lost 30 lbs in several months. He’s kept it off. This app charts your weight loss (he was all a-tingle!), keeps track of your calorie intake, has a database of restaurants and calories-burning exercises from biking to light kissing. Ha!
It was right up his alley and worked for him. Good luck!
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holy shit if jason and AWG are not the same person they should get together and film a reality show.
I imagine it’ll be a cross of jackass and how to lose friends and intimidate people,
side note:
I was reminded a few weeks ago that at a bar one night one guy asked if I was some sort of smart guy and know about particles and what now? I responded by saying “you mean farticles?”
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DON’T CUT BACK ON THE FOOD.
Nope.
Just increase the exercise. This works like a CHARM.
What happens is, you still weigh the same, but your fat becomes a more aesthetically pleasing shape.
I did this last winter and seriously, it works like a damn charm. I still weigh the same, but being toned took two inches off pretty much everywhere, plus I feel fantastic. This is a 51 year old asthmatic talking, now, so you know I didn’t do no damn ‘insanity workout’ either…just some treadmill and baby weights while listening to my tunes; nothing hardcore.
Now that gardening season is here, I don’t even have to do that anymore. It WORKS.
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Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….
I’ve been fortunate in not having to struggle with weight problems. Thankful for that high metabolism. Have weighed approximately the same since high school, which is going on 25 years. (5’10″, 180-185lbs.)
Since I’ve never dieted, really don’t have any tips except from what has already been mentioned.
Good Luck Jeff!
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..oh holy crap, forgot to add that I didn’t go to a fancyass gym either…I joined the Y. No attitudes, informal, and CHEEEEEEP!
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I dropped trom 210 to 165 many years ago by eating a bag of peanuts for lunch, then an absolutely plain single hamburger and a chocolate shake from DQ for dinner. Not a great variety, but it knocked off the pounds.
So Jeff…Do you actually live in Clarks Summit? My wife drove over there from Western NY a couple days ago so my daughter could visit the Baptist College there. They said it was a very nice town.
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After viewing your photo, I have figured out the source of your weight problem. You seem to have a smallish tree growing out of your left shoulder. I would have a doctor look at the possibility of having that removed, and then weigh yourself again.
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BoMama Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 9:32 pm
That was funny!!!
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The trick is to do something, anything more than you do now. Start small. Go for an extra walk with Andy, push mow the yard in lieu of letting the self propel do the work, etc. Eat very slightly less food and do what you can to avoid really crappy food. Go for the grilled chicken sammich at Wendy’s versus the crispy chicken, etc, etc. If you really want to get a workout in, have the Secret take you swimming once or twice a week.
I dropped 30+ lbs about 4 years ago and haven’t gained it back when I took up biking regularly. Now that I ride a shit ton, I can eat and drink like you wouldn’t beleive and for the most part I keep the weight off within 5lbs +/-. You just have to watch the overeating if you decide to cut back on serious exercise as it comes back fast and with a vengeance.
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Lower your carb intake…walk every day. Simple. Doesn’t have to be extreme. Small steps, my friend.
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Luke in Philly Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 10:23 pm
Small steps, couldn’t agree more! One minor adjustment to the routine, like a walk after lunch or short run in the morning, does wonders over the course of a year. I’m also a big fan of having pistachios on hand for snack cravings.
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I want to get back to my original weight. 7 pounds 3 ounces.
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Keep away from fast food. Allthe ades (hidden) salt and sugar is no good.
Like uncle wedgie said – nothing “white” except for fish.
Nothing processed. No high Fructose Corn Syrup.
If you can, grow it yourself. Make it yourself.
You don’t have to give up cheeseburgers or pizza. But making it at home allows you to see exactly what goes in to the food you’re eating.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
I gained 10 pounds from my knee being ou of commission. I can’t wait to get back on the treadmill and start losing again. I love food too much. But man, once you get into a steady work out program, the weight DOES stay off and holy hot wings, you really can eat anything you want in moderation and never feel deprived again!
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I tend to have a mental picture of what. I think people look like and you don’t fit the picture.I imagined you as resembling a fat jimmy olsen with a checkered sport jacket and a bowtie
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In younger days I lost 44 lbs in 6 months by running (a lot) and cutting my food intake down to veggies and rice. No oils or fats. After a few weeks you don’t miss them and in fact your body will reject high calorie food (about halfway through the 6 months by body said no to a cup of Haagen-Daz vanilla – too rich).
I gained it all back during the separation and divorce trauma (beer was my medication), so I am back to 5’8″, 230 lbs.
I lost 20 lbs this year doing yard work, but now it is too hot.
I have decided to quit drinking and go to the gym – I’m aiming for under 200 lbs by Christmas. We’ll see.
My Dr. says that even with no exercise, if you simply eat 1/2 or 2/3 of what you eat now, you will lose weight.
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Lifestyle changes. Not “diets”. I have always struggled with this. When I was in my 20′s I did the “No Fat” diet. Didn’t eat anything over 20 total calories from fat. Had to read every label. If it was under 20, I ate it. I also worked out like an athlete. Ran and lifted. I was so skinny, we found pictures of me and I looked emaciated.
Fast forward 20 years (and 30lbs) and I have to workout twice as long to get half the result. I started back to the gym and was doing just “ok”. Lost a little and maintained. Haven’t been there in 3 weeks because of summer activities and always doing something else. I really feel it. Starting back Tuesday, NO excuses. At our age, Jeff, it is a MUST to get our asses in the gym. I eat “clean” during the week. But reserve Saturday for my fat day. If that means a Big Mac and pizza, then so be it. You have to live. If you deny yourself the things you love, ie: beer, you will never stick to anything. Just pick a day and go for it knowing the next day you are back on track. My doc wanted me to up my cardio to 5 days a week; lifting 2. Fat fucking chance right now. The summer is tough. If I can eek out 2 days at the gym I’m lucky. There is just not enough time in the day. Once fall/winter rolls back around, I’ll be back at it because there is nothing else to do.
I can’t run anymore. It just plain hurts. So I spin instead. Killer workout if you can mold your crotch to the rail you sit on.
Good luck, Jeff. If you have the “stick-to-it-tiveness” (as my mother use to say) to strap yourself down and write a book along with all your other projects, you can lose fitty cent.
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Alex Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 1:08 pm
So “spin” is what you kids are calling it today? =-)
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Yalls a buncha ball baby bitches. I’m 6ft 270 and I’ll be damned if im giving up my happy meals. High life and rumple
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And while we’re sharing family photo’s….I’m not sure if this worked as my computer at home is about to shit the bed. But if it did work…click my name….from our camping trip last weekend…
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It didn’t work…fucksticks…sorry…
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hot fuzz Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 8:43 pm
I got all excited hoping to see all that blond hair tumbling down the DoubleD girls and then some tight ass jeans with red FM pumps…
I guess I’ll have to lock myself in the masturbatorium (my WVSR Shrine) and pleasure myself to Jeff’s new picture instead. Kidding of course. I WON”T lock the door… I like the idea of maybe getting caught….and punished…
Yes Yes, getting help as we speak… geez people…
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bikerchick Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 8:57 am
Sorry Fuzz. As soon as I figure out how to download the photo and my computer cooperates I’ll show and tell.
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ur what i pictured just didnt think u had gray hair. how old r u?
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Last pic I remember was jk swilling krispy kremes
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I lost 70 lbs to make it into my academy, and I’m back up 35 from that. I’m 6’2″ and 250, but its muscle now. I lost it with a lot of exercise, a move away from fried foods and high calorie crapola, and lots of green vegetables. The more broccoli you eat, the better off you will be.
I faltered for a little while and was out of the workouts, and I crested 260. That was 4 years ago. I burned that back off and now I’ve swapped lard for muscle. Its not hard to maintain an appropriate weight if you think about what you are eating and just make an effort to eat the smarter way. And you gotta gotta gotta get active. Sitting in front of the computer/TV/Wii/PS3/X-Box will only make you round and squishy. Although I hear the Wii-Fit thing will help if you are an addict to those things. Find a physical exercise you enjoy and do it – The more you sweat while you do it, the better it is!
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I’ve lost 50 pounds or more three times. Weight Watchers. It really works, as long as you stick to it.
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…or you could have Richard Simmons movei in and live with you and your family for awhile. You can start out doing his workout routines with him, and when you just can’t stand it anymore, you can burn calories by beating the crap out of him.
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Look for a book called Sweet Poison. All about sugar and what it does to you. Pretty scarey. Enough to make you cut down at least and that has a big effect on your weight, I found. Keep walking with Toney just don’t stop at the Pub and you’ll be fine.
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Oh now this is just too damn eerie – it’s Sunshine and the Oldest Translucent:
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/07/01/2011-07-01_pennsylvania_grandmother_attacked_grandson_with_garden_hose_after_he_ate_too_muc.html
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I lost 74 lbs. over the last 1.5 yrs and did not stop eating anything. I move a little more and eat a little slower. I put my fork down more often. If I pig out one day I take it easy the next.
I used to toss an entire cookie in my mouth, now I take 3 bites. Good luck to you.
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Hey, I’ve just started the HCG diet, it lasts total for 26 days and I am supposed to lose at least 20lbs! FYI I am not a sales rep, just a blogger (a nurse) at that trying this crazy diet that everyone else is doing. I’m posting every few days on how its going, FYI very strict but short. Maybe its for you?
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Four of my ex-girlfriends all in one place on the bunker cam. Gave me shivers!
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I lost over 70 lbs in 6-7 months by getting up off my ass and walking every day. I would at least walk a mile as fast as I could. I live a half a mile from the grocery store so if I only needed a few things I would walk there instead of driving. After I lost 40 or 50 lbs I bought myself a new bike and we would take family bike rides around town.
I ate a LOT of subway. I would get a six inch, no cheese, tons of veggies and light sweet onion sauce or mustard. I switched to fat free sour cream and skim milk. Munched on raw veggies dipped in ranch still (healthier than the half of bag of chips I use to eat.) I just paid attention to the calories I was taking in. I did use a website called sparkpeople.com for a while until I got the hang of what combinations of foods I could eat without having a shit ton of calories. Protein is important and I think the type of protein is important too. If you like fish try having grilled fish a couple times a week. I use to do it up on my george foreman grill and believe me you can eat a whole lot more fish than you can beef so you will feel full still.
I started eating better first and then I gradually started moving more. 2-15 minute walks a week eventually became at least 7-20 minute walks a week plus bike rides. Once I started losing weight it just seemed to fall off.
Unfortunately after losing all that weight I got pregnant and gained it all back. But I don’t think you will have that to worry about!
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I did the HCG Diet earlier this year and lost 18 lbs. But after eating only 500 calories a day for 41 days, and those 500 calories consisting of only about 7 different foods over and over, I wanted a damn hamburger. And everything else I’d missed out on for 41 days. I’ve gained back 12 lbs.
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bikerchick Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 9:11 am
My bosses wife, “The Mrs”, is on that now. Injecting herself every day with HCG hormone. Crazy. She’s been on it for about 4 weeks. She says she lost 30lbs. I don’t see it. Still looks the same to me. You can’t be that evil and have good luck all the time. Those rolls hanging on tight.
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Ii just had an idea. Add pickles to everything you eat.
Seriously, rooting for you.
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I lost 40 lbs 5 years ago and kept it off. Hired a nutritionist. I have never eaten so much in my life. Every two hours. Cut out the sugar. Sugar is evil. Two pieces of fruit everyday and one has to be an apple. No carbs past 3 in the afternoon (that means a sammich for lunch is okay) and, like many have said NOTHING white. Brown rice, brown bread, spelt pasta, etc.
I lost 2 lbs a week and have kept it off for almost 5 years. Oh, and walk the dog everyday. I used to walk the Beast 3 miles a day in SF, but it’s too friggin’ hot here, so we only make it out for an hour at best, but it’s still working!
Good luck, Jeff!
Happy Saturday, Surfers!
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jabbtastic…Jeff can’t do the sandwich thing especially now with his picture out there. He’s been banned from every Subway everywhere. Even the ones in the gas staions in Missouri and Oklahoma. There used to be a “Have You Seen This Man” with a schetch that looked like Berry Corbin. Now they’ll have the Picture.
Wife dropped 67lbs. since November. While I was gone she started weighing everything she ate, counted calories and keeping a journal of everything she ate. She actually has a book she could write (I’m not making that up) recipies and the like. The kind of book that annoys the hell out of people. She goes on about how many calories are in one strawberry and how many she’s “allowed” to have today. She’s totally absorbed by the whole thing. Me I’m not a fan of any of it. I eat good stuff and excersise with the the work I do through the day and have some beers and manage to keep my boyish figure…ahem…
Jeff wanna lose weight? Everyday…EVERYDAY…..
Eat “A big bowl of corn motherfucker”
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Just do Weight Watchers online. I have lost close to 90 pounds in 2 years but my boyfriend did it too and lost 50 pounds in 4 months
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I’ve done Insanity twice, and wouldn’t recommend it unless you’re a total glutton for punishment. I’m a chiropractor and regularly help people lose weight with dietary modification alone. Ditching the carbs will get you where you want to go–I recommend under 50 grams a day for fast weight loss and under a 100 if you’re in no hurry.
I discovered the Report when I was in chiro school, and came dangerously close to getting kicked out of class for laughing out loud. “Corn chip toe nails” had tears rolling down my face.
Check out my site for some articles that sum up my advice. And good luck!
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I am proportional to you Jeff: 5′ 7″ and 210. I plan on cutting my second breakfast in 1/2 (only one egg and 5 SAUSAGES).
Some tips to increase exercise without the extra effort:
1) Park as far away from entrances (work, stores, …)
2) Stand at work instead of sitting. I stand at the common area at work and pound the laptop instead of slouched over a crappy desk squeezing my internal organs
3) Never take the elevator. Hoof it.
4) volunteer some place where work is required.
5) reward your weight lose milestones with ‘carnal’ activities. You may need the wife to agree.
One benefit of ‘Man Boobs’ is that your nose looks smaller,.
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WB in OH Reply:
July 8th, 2011 at 12:49 pm
Along these lines, I always sit as far away from the buffet as possible, this way by the 37th trip for chicken wings and pizza, I get tired and just say screw it.
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Jason Reply:
July 8th, 2011 at 1:47 pm
You mean there’s another way to eat chicken wings and pizza besides hunched over the buffet like a fucking criminal? When did this happen?
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There’s no use in having man tits if you can’t lick your own nips.
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I lost 50lbs in 6 months eating a spam and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch and dinner. I drank Diet Dr. Pepper and skim milk with the meals and also as a snack. (Tastes like the end of a root beer float) I also walked a mile at least 4 days a week.
Kept it off for two years and then got married and slowly put it back on. Still there today plus 25.
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There’s no secret to weight loss. It just comes down to burning more than you take in. Eat less, move more was my plan for losing 70 pounds over the course of a year. I didn’t starve and didn’t do anything crazy. I just ate smaller portions and started exercising 30-45 minutes, 4 or 5 times per week.
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Jeez, 80 comments, some of them really helpful, but none of them advising the obvious: Join the Obama Fitness Plan.
Each day, go the local bowling alley, rent a pair of stylish, malodorous shoes, indulge in a couple of lines, and bowl a little.
President Obama is 49, and is slim and trim. He clearly eats cheeseburgers and drinks beer, but toned he stays. He can consume eggs and bacon in the morning, shoot some hoops, grab that lunch burger and a line of bowling, knock off Osama Bin Laden, and still have time and energy to broil a steak for dinner and have sex with the first lady, which any man would be crazy to turn down.
So pick up some of those yellow Obama Fitness slips, head to the nearest lanes, and let ‘er rip. Next you know, you’ll be working by night and knocking off enemies of America by day.
May Earl Anthony be your co-pilot.
jtb
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dto Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 6:59 pm
I bowled a Pro-Am and bowled with Earl and Don Johnson. Also George Pappas, Tina Semiz, Dave Davis and more and I’ll stop dropping names while everyone gives a collective…”Who?”
The O man indeed rocks the almost 50 Esquire dude. I’ll vote accordingly when I hear Bachman’s re-working of physical fitness and Newts “Fuck it I’m fat” tour takes off.
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johnthebasket Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 8:53 pm
dto…
I bowled in league at Earl’s home lanes: Pacific Lanes in Tacoma, WA. When Earl was working the day shift at West Coast Grocery, he’d show up around midnight and get in three or four hours of work. When he worked swings, he’d be there during the day.
Dave Davis was a fine bowler: our neighbor named her cat after him: the full name, Dave Davis.
I’m sorry I never got to bowl with Andy Veripapa. He didn’t die until 1984, which is actually after I retired from bowling. He lost a few games, but rarely lost a bet. Check out this “Action Bowlers” site…
http://www.actionbowlers.com/
.
jtb
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johnthebasket Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 8:55 pm
…and it’s really cool that you got to bowl with Earl and Don. Was it the crew-cut Earl or the hairdo Earl? Both were fine keglers.
jtb
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dto Reply:
July 2nd, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Crew cut. I took bowling to the third level without being an asshole about it. It’s an art and a sience at the same time when you’re ‘inside’ the game. And then…it’s hoot and hollar too.
I’ve got pics of me and Earl and Don on then lanes and hanging……and my pro-am cert signed by the both. Oh….and everything you’ve heard or imagined about Ernie Schlagle is true. Trust me on that one. What a hoot.
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johnthebasket Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 7:49 am
Yeah, I took bowling most of the way to the first level, although I was in a league for five years or so and bowled in tournaments in three states and one province. My record for one three-line contest was nine highballs, but that doesn’t count the one before the match or the one after. For some reason, I believed consuming a prime number of drinks was important.
This all happened in the 70s, and I blame Nixon for most of my chemical indulgences. Five and a half years of that brute without surcease was just more than I could take.
It required no less than Dr. Hunter S. Thompson to write his obit.
http://www.theatlantic.com/past/docs/unbound/graffiti/crook.htm
.
jtb
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dto Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 12:36 pm
jtb…I got to thinking…it was around ’97, ’98 so Earl had moved from helmet hair to just a nice look. I was digging for some pics of me and Earl & Don and etc. but click on the blue dto and see the cert at least. I had more fun bowling the Senior Pro-Ams but bowled the regular tour ones too. Brian Gobles is a class act and so is Pete and all the guys really. But when the real stuff starts for ‘em……….!
Ok…back kiling robots in the bathroom…
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chill Reply:
July 5th, 2011 at 1:20 am
Reminds me of the time I was visiting my parents – must have been in the late 1980s, since this opera was currently playing. They were reading the Sunday NY times as they do, and my mom said to my dad, “would you like to go see ‘Nixon in China’?”. Without looking up, Dad says “I’d rather see him in hell”.
.
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Lost 70 lbs and counting on Atkins. Grilled meat and chefs salads for victory!
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Your stomach actually shrinks if you stop streching it by eating large amounts. After a while you will feel full with smaller portions. I quit eating as soon as the hunger subsides. I grew up in a household where we were taught to clean our plates, but now think nothing of leaving half a plate of food if I am no longer hungry. I often think of ordering from the kid’s menu at resteraunts, but instead try to find items that that are smaller portions. Find an excersize you like and make it a part of your routine. That will give your more energy as well.
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When did Jim Cantore become the Guy Fieri of weather? Every time I try to get the forecast for home there he is.
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Greg Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 8:22 pm
Right after NBC bought TWC. I guess all you’ve got left is Local On The 8′s.
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I just realized that having sex in a motor home is like have sex in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room and your car all at once. That’s gotta be a calorie burner. Jeff…get a motor home!
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I lost 30 and have managed to firmly keep off 23.
It’s truly diet and excercise but a key is to only give up one thing at a time combined with starting to watch portion size. You also need to at least ball park your calorie intake if you can’t stand to monitor every item.
And don’t give up what you realistically CAN”T give up lol.
My first “give up” was flavored coffee creamers, had NO IDEA how many calories they added. I lost 3 pounds the first month just for that.
And I work out 5 times a week – about an hour hour and a half in a home gym. THAT has turned out great – I turned 50 during all that and feel SO MUCH better.
The 7 pounds came back because i am a NIGHT NIBBLER, sigh and still need to tackle that. And you do get burned out after a bit, but not on the excercise – that keeps too much going at this age.
And do it slowly – trust me – it is much easier to keep off!.
Also – and forgive me if I missed this – but is the ONLY way to get your book via an e type book????? I want a REAL book. Fill me in.
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johnthebasket Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 4:56 am
The book is also available via teletype. Just tell your telegrapher to ack rather than nak.
jtb
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Ed Reply:
July 5th, 2011 at 12:27 pm
For a real book, you have to order from amazon – it’s produced by them.
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You could just go Victorian and try the Tapeworm Diet.
http://www.theundergroundbootcamp.com/nutrition/the-tapeworm-diet/
And the only reason I’m posting that link is because it has video of a tapeworm squirming around inside of a intestine, which in and of itself should be enough to set you off eating for awhile.
On a completely unrelated note, HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY to all the U.S. surf reporters!!!
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Ms.Myrtle Beach Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 4:34 pm
I like fat people, sit behind them on the beach and you don’t get sunburnt.
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Lots of decent advice in here. Basically, it’s going to be something that you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life — this isn’t a short-term solution. You’ll need to redefine what meals look and taste like in order to have any sort of long-lasting success.
I’m currently 6’4″ and 265 lbs. Which is fat, but 5 weeks ago I was 279 pounds. I’ve been doing Weight Watchers with my wife — it’s working well for me, but I can see why many people struggle with it. There’s a lot of extra work involved in calculating points and whatnot. It’s easy for me, because my wife helps me out a lot by identifying and preparing healthy meals for us. If Toney can help, that’s awesome too.
A few benefits that I’ve noticed so far:
- The flesh parka is thinning up a bit. A LONG way to go, though.
- Food tastes much better. When you don’t eat rich foods all of the time, everything else tastes sweeter.
- My poop is way, way better. 8″, double taper and I hardly even need to wipe. I had horrid shits before.
- I feel a whole lot better day in and day out. I’m not bloated, I don’t feel like an asshole for eating 13 cookies, I feel like I have more energy.
If nothing else, consider following the new healthy eating “Dinner Plate” rules: 1/4 lean meat, 1/4 healthy grains, 1/2 vegetables. If that’s how you eat lunch and dinner every day, you’ll probably do alright.
One last thought:
Consider teaching the Secrets how to eat better, too. They don’t have to now because they have crazy-high metabolism. But someday they won’t, and they’ll be like you (and me)… they’ll be heavier and won’t know the rules to eating correctly. Teach and enforce that now, so they have something to rely on later in life.
Best of luck.
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Ed Reply:
July 5th, 2011 at 12:33 pm
Your poop is 8 inches across?!
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If hot dogs are so bad for you then shouldn’t Joey Chestnut be dead by now?
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johnthebasket Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 9:42 pm
He might actually BE dead, but he sure sings purdy. Wait a minute…
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dto Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 10:26 pm
Not to be confused with Joey Chesterfield who died at a young age. He always felt that if Bill Anderson can whisper, he would be accepeted for his weezing. Things went down hill at his Denver gig and he cancled after his second night in Tahoe only to die in a Fallon, Nevada bowling alley after an impromptu rendition of, “I’ve been everywhere man”.
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Happy fourth, ya fucks.
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Eat Small meals throughout the day
Lean protein, skip the breaded/fried stuff. Cut back on heavy processed breads. Opt for whole wheat when you do eat bread. Go light on carbs in general but eat lots of fruit/nuts(almonds are great) .yogurt too. If it has more than a few ingredients you probably shouldn’t eat it.
Combine this with a bit of strength training and whatever walking you do now and you’ll be on your way, IMO. And it’s sustainable. Don’t starve yourself you’ll just gain it all back. Change what you eat for good.
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Happy fourth? Fourth beer since I got home, that is. I spent the day driving home from Mystic, Conn. The last leg of my trip, people were pulled over on the shoulder of I-66 watching the fireworks. One genius appeared to be watching the fireworks *while driving* – moving very slowly, and not in any particular lane.
Jeff, I have no advice for weight loss, but I hope it goes well; these other folks seem to know what they’re talking about.
.
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hot fuzz Reply:
July 5th, 2011 at 8:14 pm
Hey Chill – the wife and I spent last week in Mystic…cool little town and good pizza.
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chill Reply:
July 5th, 2011 at 11:19 pm
Sweet! We’re actually in Noank, but Mystic is a name people have heard of ever since that movie.
.
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how does one become a VIP? Must. Get. Nancy. Update.
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Jason Reply:
July 5th, 2011 at 11:13 am
Monica,
Go to the page below and enter your name and email at the bottom. You’ll get a free ebook and you’ll also be part of the in crowd.
http://thewvsr.com/convenience.htm
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WB in OH Reply:
July 5th, 2011 at 11:14 am
Go to the About page, scroll down…screw that just click the link.
http://thewvsr.com/convenience.htm
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Good Morning Surf Reporters……
nothing to see here, moving along.
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Jeff, I lost *80 lbs* after my twins were born…that was 30 MORE pounds than I gained in my pregnancy leaving me looking better after the kids than I ever did before. I did it with a few (relatively painless) modifications:
1) Switched from drinking full sugar soda and sweet tea to diet soda or water (20 lbs never fell so fast)
2) Stopped ordering fries (or any sides) with my burgers, never super-sized or upgraded. Tried to eat at least one meatless meal per week. (another 20lbs gone)
3) Joined a gym and treadmilled about the place 2-3 times per week – nothing high impact or crazy, just walking a brisk “airport” pace for about an hour each day (2-3 hours per week) (another 20 down the drain)
4) Just said NO to dessert unless it was truly an occasion (National holidays and birfdays only) (the hardest one and the final 20 lbs)
The whole process took about 6 months, but I kept it off for years and years…until I quit smoking. Even then I only gained 15-20 lbs back, so I was still under my original starting weight. Now I’m pregnant again, so I’ll get to do it all over again in a few months…yay!
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Eliminate anything white. Sugar. Bread. Potatoes. Substitute whole grain breads that do NOT contain enriched flour, sweet potatoes, brown rice. Avoid foods that have a high glycolic index — pineapple, corn, carrots. And, of course, stay off the beer. The pounds will come off.
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We’re in the same boat, Jeff. Well, not literally, or the boat would sink. I need to lose about 45 lbs. too. Low carb, high exercise (like South Beach) has worked for me in the past. I gave myself permission to indulge over this past holiday weekend. I drank beer after beer, ate potato salad, pasta salad, hamburger buns, baked beans with enough brown sugar to give me diabetes, you name it. All the wrong foods for me & now I’m back at work feeling like I’ve put on 15 pounds since last Friday. My 47 yr. old metabolism is for shit…guess I’ll be out walking my dog tonight and many more nights to come.
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The way I lost a shitload of weight was purely chemical. Phentermine/Ritalin was my good friend, and I exercised like a damned fiend. Any sort of exercise, whatever I felt like doing that day. Riding a stationary bike whilst laughing at the Three Stooges? Fine. Worried about losing my job and walking 10 damned miles in 90+ heat? Fine. (Well, okay, that wasn’t fine…but I was pissed, so….)
As for eating, the word “diet” has the same effect on me as “Niagara Falls” had for the Stooges. If you eat 4 Big Macs a day, that’s a diet. If you decide to eat a Snickers bar for breakfast, lunch and dinner, that’s a diet. If you eat rabbit food and slimy salads, THAT’S a diet. And I always thought that the very word means some type of punishment that people can’t wait to be finished with. “Man, as soon as this diet’s over, I’m going to Ryan’s and eating my new weight in ribs!”
Long post longer, first, think about exercise, ’cause man, I should’ve done that first, instead of just cutting back on crap-that was easy to do, but getting my ass moving every day? Hard as HELL!
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