Metten and I text complaints and whiny messages to each other throughout most days. And I had a pretty good idea how attached he was to his fancy-pants cell phone. The story about how it died is detailed below, and I think you’re going to enjoy it. -Jeff
I am sitting at work without the internet. While I am still the youngest employee in the building, I am old enough to remember a time before the internet existed (at least not like it does now). What I am having trouble remembering is exactly how I got through those days without it.
It’s 1:49 p.m. and I haven’t seen a single picture of a naked person, read any quasi-humorous accounts about what Lindsay Lohan did last night or heard a single minute of “Where’s my Damn Box Scores?!.” As Jeff would say, this eats it from the ass in.
Fortunately, I got the opportunity to prepare for this technology depravation by living for a few days without my precious, precious smart phone. This is the other thing that I have no idea how I ever lived without.
Seriously, I felt like Darth Vader without his “looks-like-the-top-of-a-giant-all-black-penis-(really, is there any other kind?)-helmet”. I no longer know how to drive anywhere without the navigational device. I have no other social interaction other than sending random text messages to strangers (“I’m giving you one more chance! I’m coming over tonight. The chamber pot had better be clean and the dog had better be shaved!”). And I have to revert back to slapping my children to get them to shut up rather than hypnotizing them with the Disney Channel.
So here’s the story – I was standing there urinating when someone texted me. I am good at multitasking so I pulled my phone out of my pocket with my right hand while my left hand held…other things.
Like a really expensive bar of soap, the phone squirted out of my hand, went straight up in the air and landed in the toilet with that strange splash-chunk you hear when you watch Olympic diving.
Of course, I couldn’t stop urinating, so I proceeded to pee on my phone. Once I was finished, I asked myself, “Am I the type of man that would go fishing in my own urine to retrieve my smart phone?” The answer was no.
I flushed and the “water” went down, but the phone stayed. Now that the water was clear, I reached in and fished out my phone. I took it apart and set it out in the sun. After a while I put it back together and it powered up. Amazingly, it worked, but I broke the power source for the touch screen…so I turned it in to the insurance company.
I got a new phone in a couple of days and everything is all better now, but Jeebus, that was unpleasant. The only good part was explaining to people that I couldn’t look up Elvis’ birthday or give them directions to the nearest grocery store because “I had urinated on my phone.” Good Times.
So anyway, here’s three questions that might get you through the day: First, What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever put your hand in? Second, can you help me out with some new random text messages that I can send to stranger?
And finally, we didn’t talk about this, but I asked this question on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and the results were really a good time. In fact, if you took part in that exercise, it would be perfectly okay for you to repeat your answers here because they were awesome. This third question is, What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever broken during sex? By the way, tremendously witty answers like “hymen, dignity, pride, standards of decency, my bank account, etc.” have already been said.
Thanks for reading…