Guest Post: Brad the Crime Statistic
This is the second of three new updates by Brad, and I’ll post the third over the weekend. It’s music-related, and more weekendy, if you know what I mean. I want to thank everyone who stepped to the plate this week — Brad, Metten, Buck, and the Angry White Guy — while I’m off trying to be a novelist or whatever. Much appreciated, guys! I’ll be back on Monday, and will try to live up to your excellent posts.
Before I turn it over to Brad, I’d like to alert you to a new limited edition Surf Report shirt we’ll be offering for Summer. Check it out. I think it’s pretty kick-ass, and hope you’ll pre-order two or five. And now… today’s update. -Jeff
THIN LINE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HERE
All the dark torturous memories
I do see my star still shining
All those years looking out of jail and ship windows
The irrational mortal loneliness is always crowned
Have you ever been a victim of a crime? I would ask if you’ve ever committed a crime, but I suspect I already know the answer, given the demographic of you lot. No, I mean an incident where you are the victim. It happened to me recently. Not a big crime, the type where the recently canceled Law & Order would rip it from the headlines, throw in a few dead bodies and tack on a surprise twist toward the end. Sadly, the crime perpetrated on me involved a stolen license plate. A brand-new, three-day-old license plate.
I noticed the plate missing right away. There wasn’t a blank space on the back of my car where it once was, but rather, a replacement plate. One that had expired and had a different alphabet prefix. There’s a quirk I developed where I read off the military alphabet whenever I see a sequence of letters. I don’t know how or why this started, but it’s what I do. I have it memorized to a point. However, I was stuck on the N on my plate. I knew the first letter, Zulu, and the second, Victor, but the N had me stumped (I now know it’s November, thank you very much). The switched plate had Lima, Sierra, Hotel, and it expired last month. Definitely not my plate.
A sick feeling swept over me. It was akin to the feeling one gets in grade school when he realizes–too late–that he’s about to suffer a wardrobe malfunction and his pants are going to drop, exposing for all to see his Aquaman Underoos (the worst Underoo of them all). I’m not talking about the embarrassment from the cruel, unforgiving laughter and the pointing. No, I’m talking about the sick feeling you get when you realize too late it’s going to happen and you’re helpless to stop it.
So, yeah, I felt that when I first discovered my new and beloved license plate was in the wind.
After I got off the ground and wiped the tears from my eyes, I called the police. I’ve dealt with bureaucracies many a time in my life and I knew I would need verification and documentation for the DMV. In a perfect world, the theft would be considered a major crime and every available cop from every available crime division would be on the case. They would track down this thieving scoundrel within 24 hours. I would be alerted and told to head out to the onion field for some old-school justice. I would give the alleged thief–no strike alleged, he’s guilty from the get-go–a 30-yard head start before picking him off with a Glock 22, courtesy of one of the law enforcement personnel on the scene. In a perfect world, that would be how I solved my situation.
In the real world, I would be given a copy of the crime report and stand in line at the DMV for a new plate. My missing plate would likely not be recovered or it will be discovered later burned and scorched. Why? I don’t know. Thieves like to burn and scorch things if they don’t plan to keep them for long.
The cop was amazed the thief stuck around long enough to slap on a different plate. It made sense to me. I mean, most people don’t pay any attention to their license plates unless it’s time for renewal. This buys the thief some time. I know that’s what I would do if I was a plate thief.
As luck would have it, the responding cop’s on-board computer was down and I would have to wait until the morning to pick up my copy of the police report. Damn those budget cuts.
I was reminded of the fact that I live in a small, rural town when I went by the next day to get my copy of the report. I hit a couple of dead ends at the police department (Sorry, that’s not my field of expertise is a very popular phrase around the station). It was a maintenance man, of all people, who responded to my plight. He disappeared down a corridor and came back a few minutes later with my report. It was like I had stepped into a rerun of Andy Griffith and Goober helped himself to the file cabinet while Andy and Barney were dining at Juanita’s.
Of course, this maintenance man was no dummy. His help was appreciated.
The trip to the DMV–the one place I feared–was simple, and I like simple. I came out a few bucks lighter but I had a new plate. It’s now super glued to my car and someone will have to take that junker if he wants that plate.
Before I sign off, I’m going to deputize you, gentle readers. I want you to be vigilante and keep your eyes open for my stolen plate. It’s in the system as stolen now and you will be catching a thief. It’s a North Carolina plate and it’s ZVN 8778. If you see this plate, contact your friendly police officer. Do not approach the suspect. You’re only deputized to a certain point.
So, how about you? Have you been a victim of a crime, be it a misdemeanor or a full-blown felony? Share it with us in the comments section. Let’s be our own support group here.
Filed under: Daily
First?
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First?
Got mugged in Brazil in 2006, en famille.
We were being stupid, walking down a quiet street, rubbernecking, and wearing jewelry (a big mistake in Brazil) and carrying cameras – a gang of street kids starting ripping the gold chains off my sons, my wife, her mom, and then they cam after me for the cash in my top pocket. My wife and managed to fight them off until help arrived. The scary part was that my younger boy was in a stroller that got pushed to the side of the street, quite far away from us.
Of course the cops in Brazil were more mad at us for being stupid that at this gang that were simply “doing what it is they do”, like it was their job or something.
Anyhoo, no one got hurt and we wised up and left the jewelry in the hotel safe after that.
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Arrgh – second!
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Each of my exes, none of whom live in Texas to my knowledge, committed some degree of mopery during our lifelong commitments. I’m still sore there sometimes.
jtb
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Dammit, I was fastyping to get my name in lights and perhaps put my claws upon a case of beer. I’m not entirely sure what kind of subject clause follows the first comma, but “none of whom” is singular and live ain’t. “…none of whom lives in Texas…”.
As usual, the mopery stands alone.
jtb
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i’ve had my identity stolen. twice.
once was a simple credit card forgery. no big story.
the other was that someone took my role as the resident weird angry guy at my local bar. the police didn’t wanna be bothered with that.
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When I was about 10 years old, our house was broken into (when we were all asleep upstairs). They took a big ass console TV. The scary part – my mother had walked by the room while the perps were in there to get a bottle for my sister.
(Different House) Our car was stolen – kids tok it fo a joy ride and left it around the corner.
My wallet was stolen at work about 30 years ago. I’ve never carried another picture in my wallet again.
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Had a CB radio stolen from my car many years ago. Perps were able to pop the wing window without breaking anything. Not really a biggie. Was assaulted by 3 thugs one night during an inebriated stroll home. Scar on right eyebrow now. It’s OK…chicks dig scars.
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One night my wife left her purse on the front seat of our car while it was parked in our driveway. The next morning we discovered that someone had smashed the window and scattered the contents of the purse all over our front lawn.
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Fortunately, I have never been the victim of a crime, but unfortunately, I’ve always been the one committing. I got caught stealing at a wal-mart in my younger days, it was just chap stick, but non the less. My dumb ass had to sit in the station for 6 hours for some chapstick.
I’d like to note that I am a good girl now. I was going through my rebellious teen years, but I’ve since grown out of it. The only crime I’m committing now is having an expired sticker on my plate because the peice of shit is $104 bucks! $104 BUCKS!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY, WTF?!…I will get the fuckin’ thing when I can afford it…jeez.
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just missed the top 10 and i read the update. Hell yeah.
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Burgled. Once. Recently (this week) “daughter-in-law” shopped for several items out of our bedroom including all of the quarters in the change vase on my husband’s bureau. Little bitch.
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Brittney, I just renewed my registration.$113.50. yep, even had to fuck you for the extra 50 cents.
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I was carjacked about 10 years ago. I was pregnant and on my way home from work at night and i saw something in the road that I could not quite make out so naturally I slowed down when i got up to “it” there was a woman in the road and she ran around so fast I didn’t know what happened and got in and pushed me out of the way and began drivign my car from the passenger seat. She wanted me to get her to some really bad neighborhood and i refused and told her i would happily drive her to the police station and that is what we did. We went inside where everyone knew her. Apparently she was a hooker who liked to rob men while they were otherwise occupied and she was fleeing a hotel. fortunately she was not interested in robbing me since i was a waitress at the time and had a bunch of cash on me. I was terrified even though she was apparently harmless. all of this chaos happened in about 4 minutes. really nuts.
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I fat chick stole my virginity back in 1976 ! Was never recovered or forgotten!
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Madz1962,
Wish I could get off so lucky. Lancaster County in NE just hooked me for $478.50! Now thats being victimized!
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Vicki- that must make for an uncomfortable family situation. Geesh.
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Had my computer stolen in 06. They came in through the window off my patio, where my neighbors can all see…
They also got $400 cash and the spare key to my car. I was planning to buy new tires for my car that weekend. Until I moved out of state, I had to pull the main fuse to prevent someone from driving off during the night.
They used my laundry hamper to carry the loot and got my favorite pair of shorts. Man, that sucked. The cops told me they couldn’t get fingerprints bcause my place was dusty. Had I known I was going to have “company”, I’d have surely dusted…
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Lessee – Credit cards stolen in Mexico, they fixed their vehicle with it and then spent a day going from bar to bar.
Many years ago my truck was broken into while in the driveway. They punched BOTH locks!! WTF? i mean c’mon, you punch the one, you’re in, why punch the other?
and… rather that turn off the dome light, they broke it, and rather than push the little buttons to open the glove department and the center console, yep they broke those too!! Fuckers.
Oh and a few years ago someone stole all the potted plants from the front porch….still don’t understand that one.
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One of my best friends just had his PA plate stolen in Charlotte. Must be a Nawf Carolini thing. No replacement plate, though.
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Back in the late 80′s my soon-to-be-ex, after we were separated waiting for the divorce to be final, opened 3 credit cards in my name. He used my SS# and my mother’s maiden name for security purposes and forged my signature. Between the 3 credit cards, he charged over $15,000 of debt including a Rolex watch for himself and an engagement ring for the “mistress”. The only reason I found out was because I had applied for a loan and the bank called wanting to know what these 3 cards were on my credit report I didn’t disclose on the application.
It took me over a year of bullshit to clean up my credit over it. I had to file police reports for the fraud department of each card; have affidavit’s stating fraud and forgery and that I had no knowledge or had given him permission to use my name, SS#….
Apparently, from what I was told, the FBI was to get involved because it was fraud and forgery over $1000… but didn’t want to touch it because it was “domestic”.
The end result was…and get this…two of the cards told him that if he paid off the debt in full within 30 days, not only would they drop all charges, but offered him a new card in HIS NAME!! The third card wanted to press charges but nothing ever came of it other than him paying off the debt. Yep…not even a slap on the wrist. IF I pulled that shit today on someone my ass would be in the pokey. WTF?
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Mugged after a Red Wings Game for 10 bucks in 1986. Wings beat the flames 4-0. Have had my mailbox destroyed 5 times over the last four years. I almost caught them last time and they haven’t been back. Had a “friend” steal 25 dollars worth of quarters from my bedroom while I was letting him stay with me to look for work. I got a Jeep for high school graduation. While at a party my sophomore year in college someone cut a huge gash in the canvas top and stole my stereo, speakers, CD’s, golf clubs, golf shoes, and my leather jacket.
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About 1998, someone broke into my Navigator and stole about 50 CD’s, an ashtray full of change, and a nice hunting knife. Amazingly, they did not take a handgun that was in the console (the knife was in the same console). Did they miss it, or was the thief a pussy?
About 2001, someone stole my leather coat off the back of a barstool in a tittie bar, Al’s Diamond Cabaret, Reading, PA. The coat contained my car keys, house keys, and a cell phone. Wife was pissed and made me change all the locks.
And, finally, the fucking government steals about half of what I earn every year. They are the biggest thieves of all.
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Shinywilly – $478.50? Jumping Jesus, that is awful. For how long? Mine is a 2 year registration.
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@ Madz – Next year, wanna bet a shiny penny it’ll be up to somewhere around $150?
@Hordoxdan – You are 100% correct, the government really is the biggest theif of all.
I remembered something that was stolen from me…A vintage Monkees shirt I loved dearly. My ex-best friend stole it one day…but I got her back, after our falling out, I marched right into her house when she wasn’t home, said Hi to her folks, and stole all my shit out of her closet. I think it was a pair of jeans, my Monkees shirt, a few other shirts, God I hate her. It’s no cds or electronics, but goddammit it was mine and that’s all that matters. I still hate her to this day.
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@ Madz – Oh, did I mention this was only a one year registration fee?
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Sometime in 1994… Offspring CD stolen from my backpack at school. Irritating.
August 2001… Wallet stolen out of my purse by a coworker. Cash, license, credit cards, and because I was foolish, also my social security card. Devastating.
Yesterday… Got hit by a car while crossing the street. Even though I made eye contact with the driver before crossing in front of her (she was stopped), she still slammed right into me. Then she sped off without even asking if I was ok. Luckily I am ok, just a wicked bruise on my leg. Unbelievable.
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Valerie, was she *ahem* colored?
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You maybe know this already, but somebody tried to cut my head off once.
They did not succeed!
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Valerie, was she Chinese?
They can’t drive for shit. Go to New York and see who causes all the fucking traffic jams. Chinese.
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Jeff,
The limited edition shirt is amazing. I’ll likely be in for one soon next pay check. I would be remiss if I didn’t whine about the lack of a WVSR coffee mug. Surly the t-shirt lady could make it happen? I sure would like a WVSR mug to show my love at work where t-shirts are strictly no-nos. If you aren’t into mugs, maybe a beer glass?
–J
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Tilly-terribly. We weren’t sure for a bit, then started setting little traps for her. My son is in the dark, so far. Clueless about what to do.
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I had a watch stolen out of my locker in seventh grade gym class. I found out who stole it, and demanded my watch back. He played dumb, so I beat it out of him. Next thing I know he’s trying to press theft charges on a STOLEN watch. Luckily, my folks backed me up, along with about fifteen other people, and thus, the watch was returned to it’s rightful place on my wrist and he was served up with some community service and a good lesson about falsifying legal documents. I saw the guy that did it a few days ago in a bar, and told him that if he wanted to try to steal the watch off my arm again, he was welcome to try, but that he wouldn’t get off as easily this time, as the watch I wear now is a family heirloom and I wouldn’t hesitate to knock his ass out (again) for this watch.
Had some guy try to steal stuff from a greenhouse I worked at… He tore a muscle in his back trying to load a tree into his truck and was still on the ground the next morning screaming in pain. Serves em right.
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My wife and I borrowed the mother in law’s van to drive to Toronto for a weekend. We parked in the hotel parking garage Friday afternoon, came back to the vehicle Sunday afternoon to find a smashed passenger side window, and a whopping 37 cents in change stolen from the center console.
We had to go file a report with the Toronto PD, who informed us that it was a common thing for crack addicts to break into cars downtown.
We returned to New York with police report in hand. Weirdest thing about the ordeal was that the auto insurance would not cover the damage, but instead had to be put through on a home owner’s policy.
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Pretty much a victimless crime kinda guy. Buy some weed and wink at hookers. And buying these goddamn T-shirts and hats. Fuck!!…next it will be a goddamn book.
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One evening in 1990 I was walking two blocks to the 7-11 to buy smokes. A guy stops and asks me what time it is. Like an idiot, I answer. Then he shows me an automatic tucked into his belt and says “See this? Give me all the bills you got”. I gave him my eight dollars and we parted ways, with me itching between the shoulder blades as I walked.
Two or three years later, some friends of mine got their suburban home broken into – while they and their two infant children were home and asleep. The genius thieves took one speaker of a matched pair, a broken camcorder, and a basket of change.
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I’ve had a couple of vehicles broken into in downtownToronto, my wife lost a hockey bag full of dirty laundry one time, I lost my fishing gear the other time, which really ticked me off, I had stuff my grandfather had given me in that tacklebox. Ya just can’t leave anything that might be of value in view. Plus driving around missing a window in Ontario can be damn cold.
Had the tail lights busted on a Mustang one time, too, both sides, pricks, also in Toronto. I can see that someone desperate for cash might be motivated to steal, if they had no better option, but why bust the taillights on a rusty POS Mustang? Hardly worth fixing, but the cops won’t let you get a block without taillights, freaking vandals. Why rage at me, it’s not like we parked a Rolls Royce in your face.
Touch wood, never been burgled, but we have dogs, so I’m sure that helps a bit, plus we live far from the city now.
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Boyfriend and I went to a Waffle House about 5 am one Saturday morning (after work, I swear). Only one other small table of people in the place. As I was looking down reading the menu, I hear a crash to my right. My boyfriend looks over before I did and says “don’t look”! Of course, I did. Two guys with 45′s drawn and ski masks on are robbing the waitress at the register! She had dropped a tray full of food as they came towards her. We just kept our heads down til they left. I lost my appetite after that.
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It remains a mystery to me how our Reporters can assert that governments are “the biggest thieves of all” when nearly 50% of the Senate and House members are corporately owned and operated. In any case, taxes are relatively low in the United States, although there ARE four industrialized countries with lower taxes.
Individual tax rates are a little difficult to compare from country to country. % of gross domestic product comes closest to representing what people are actually paying. The table below includes federal, state and local taxes.
This jibes with my experience. My federal tax rate from 1997 – 2006, when my income ranged from $90K to $140K was 19.2 to 21.1%, and federal tax accounts for about 2/3 of all taxes.
.
Total Taxes as a Share of GDP
(Source: Univ. of Cincinnati College of Law)
Denmark 49.1 %
Sweden 49.1
Belgium 44.5
France 44.2
Norway 43.9
Finland 43.5
Italy 42.1
Austria 41.7
Iceland 41.5
Netherlands39.3
Hungary 37.1
U.K. 37.1
Czech Rep. 36.9
N.Z. 36.7
Spain 36.6
Luxembourg35.9
Portugal 35.7
Germany 35.6
Poland 33.5
Canada 33.3
Ireland 31.9
Greece 31.3
Australia 30.6
Slovak Rep.29.8
Switzerland 29.6
U.S. 28
Japan 27.9
Korea 26.8
Turkey 24.5
Mexico 20.6
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“You maybe know this already, but somebody tried to cut my head off once.”
@Ian…
Dude, what the hell happened? What’s the story? Who tried to cut off your head and why did she want to? Inquiring minds want to stay with their respective bodies.
jtb
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Okay. So, this has nothing to do with this post (Great job, by the way, Brad!)…but I need to know (Jeff, if you are reading this…PLEASEEEEEEE!) where I can find the photo that Jeff had up a few days ago in the Bunker Cam.
It was the fat guy and girl, nekkid, and the dude is holding a sword. I DESPERATELY need a link to this photo to show to someone…who may KNOW the parties involved in said photo!
Help…Anyone?
P.S. Hey, jtb, how is it that I always end up under you?
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Stephanie: http://albotas.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Lmutf_5502-600×900.jpg
I did a Google image search for “fat people with sword”. And it popped right up! Imagine that.
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So… I had the fat people with sword open on screen and the girl (15) walks in to ask me a question.
Sometimes NO explanation is enough.
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Maybe a weekend guest update? Weekends are long…man.
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This just in…I just committed another victimless crime. Just because I’ve been fortunate to aquire and maintain a well paying and challenging gig is no reason to go around throwing sixteen bucks at every goddamn t-shirt salesman that comes along…but….there you go.
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Happy Birthday Brynhildr! Miss you girl!
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@ Stephanie
Don’t know how the universe works, but propinquity to you is always a pleasure, be it under, above, or adjacent.
Should you verify that the guy with the sword or his fair lady are friends of a friend, I hope you will return to tell the story. I think there could be a graphic novel in this somewhere.
On a sunny Saturday in the Great Pacific Northwest, I remain,
Archiely yours,
jtb
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@ Gretchen:
My brain never went to Google Search. What a doofus I am! And, thank you for finding it!
@jtb Um. You said propinquity.
Sounds dirty.
And, then you said Archiely yours…
So. When’s the wedding?
Heh. Kidding, of course…(Since I am NEVER getting married. Ever. Again.)
There is a graphic novel in THERE somewhere, I assure you!
Veronically and Bettily (and Midgely and…oh..you get the idea…) yours,
Stephanie
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Stephanie…
Well, propinquity means nearness in place; proximity, so I rather doubt it’s dirty per se. Or in context, for that matter.
I wasn’t actually proposing marriage or proposing anything else. I was acknowledging one of your customers and the whimsy of your art.
As for weddings, I would be willing to get together to sing a duet of “Won’t Get Fooled Again” if your schedule permits, and if you don’t mind taking the Pete Townshend part; my shoulder tightens up on me.
Then, of course, there’s the height difference, so we’ve got that going for us.
And where I come from, “whimsy” is a very complimentary word.
In the brightest day,
In the blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight;
Let those who worship evil’s might,
Beware my power: Green Lantern’s Light.
That’s from memory from thirty years ago, so I might be a little off. Actually, ask anyone who knows me: I’m a little off.
In Jughead’s name we pray,
jtb
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Seems like we’ve gotten off topic a bit but I’ll try to steer it back.
Nothing major but I had a bike stolen from behind my garage earlier this year. I had picked it up at a garage sale a few months earlier so it wasn’t a great financial loss. The plan was to use it for around town errands to save on gas/get some exercise/reduce carbon footprint ( Yick, I know, right ? ) A few months back I was behind the garage puytting garbage cans away and I thought to myself ” Isn’t that the pole where I locked up my bike ?” Yep, it was. I looked at the base of the pole and saw the combo lock, which I guess somebody had been at with wire cutters. I guess they wanted the bike more than I did, but I still keep an eye out for it around town … and if I buy another tard sale bike this summer I’ll lock it up with a heavy duty chain rather than a $6.00 lock from Target.
Been lucky otherwise. Never had car, apartment or house broken into and in managing a video store for 5 years was never robbed. How did that not happen ?
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@ jtb Got it…x 3!
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