Fun in the Target Parking Lot, My Successful Weekend, and Movies We’ve Never Seen

We were exiting the Target parking lot on Saturday afternoon, and there was a car stopped with all four doors swung open.  Other vehicles were inching past it, and I assumed the hunk o’ junk had stalled and wouldn’t re-start.  But when we got close I saw a woman in jeans and high heels leaning into the front passenger seat, frantically shoveling flaming items onto the asphalt.

It looked like a collection of balled-up paper bags, cigarette wrappers, and possibly a half-eaten rotisserie chicken.  All still smoldering.  Somehow, it appeared, their abundance of floorboard trash had caught fire.  We could actually see an occasional flame flare up, through the rear window, and for a second I thought one of the headrests had ignited.

The passengers, two or three fat boys with sloping shoulders, were standing nearby with concerned looks and rosy cheeks.

Then a pickup truck screeched to a halt, and a take-charge woman with a manly nature (and a very long cigarette dancing off her lips) jumped down from the driver’s seat, and told everyone to step aside.  And as we were making our way around this spectacle, the mysterious new arrival seemed to have everything under control.

But how did she know?  Where had she come from?  She wasn’t part of the waiting crowd, she’d arrived from the opposite direction.  Was she a super hero?  Will she be showing up at other area emergencies, in the nick of time?  Will folks be marveling, “It’s… the Lesbian Samaritan!”  If we’d stuck around, would she have put out the burning filth, and sped off before anyone could thank her, as a Melissa Etheridge song began playing from an unknown source?

Or is it possible that I’m just making too much of it?

I was off from work on Wednesday, and enjoyed an extra-long weekend.  I had an ambitious to-do list, and marked off everything but one item:  clean up the bunker.  It’s a mess again, and I’m worried that some of the clutter might catch fire.  I now know that such a thing can happen.  But, even though I didn’t get everything completed, it was inarguably a productive four days.

The electronic versions of the book are ready to go at the Kindle Store and NOOKBooks.  All I have to do is flip the switch, and they’ll become available on the websites.  However, Apple is being a pain in the butt and I don’t know what’s going on with them.  I had to fill out an application, and they’re going to let me know if I’m eligible to sell my novel in their iBooks store.  I’m already irritated, but we’ll see what happens.

Also, the back cover is now finished, and I will be uploading everything to Amazon today.  I’m not sure how long it will take before the trade paperback will be live on the site (probably another week or ten days), but the Kindle and Nook versions will be on sale Friday – April Fool’s Day.

Of course, I use the term “Friday” loosely.  It’s going to be difficult to know EXACTLY when the e-books will become available.  Both companies say to allow 24 to 72 hours.  How do you manage something like that?  So, let’s just say Friday, or earlier.  And I think you Kindle and Nook owners are going to be happy with the price.  Stay tuned.

I’ll also begin taking pre-orders for signed copies of the physical books on Friday, and will leave it open for seven days only.  Yes, the next couple of weeks should be interesting.

And speaking of my big four days off… I think Toney was happy to see me go back to work yesterday.  I believe I irritate her a bit, with my constant talking, and “comedic” observations.  A few times I thought I could sense a certain look of anguish on her face, that seemed to say, “Come oooon Sunday afternoon…”

Do any of you know this look?  I kept telling her she’d have to pay big bucks in Vegas for so much quality material, but I don’t think she was impressed.  Too much Jeff?  Perhaps.  But I narrated Saturday like a master.  I know this to be a fact.

On Friday night we started to watch Jerry Maguire.  Neither of us had seen it before, and Toney still hasn’t.  She fell asleep shortly after it started.

But I thought it was pretty good, except for all the catch-phrases.  I knew “Show me the money!” came from that flick, but wasn’t aware that “You complete me” and “You had me at hello” were from it, as well.  Blecch.  At least I know what people are talking about now, when they reference that sappiness.

I don’t like being out of the loop on such things.

And I’m going to turn that into the Question of the Day.  I know we’ve done this one before, but it’s been a long time. In the comments section, please tell us which famous movies you’ve never seen.  Titles that might surprise some people…

For instance, I’ve never seen any of the Godfather films.  And, on the other end of the spectrum, I don’t really know anything about Jackass.  I’ve never seen the show, or any of the movies.  I have a vague idea, but probably not an accurate one.

And (are you sitting down?) I’ve also never seen any of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.

What about you?  Use the comments link below to confess the gaps in your cinematic experience.  Also, if you want to guess which super-powers the Lesbian Samaritan might have, that’ll be cool, too.

I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker

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149 Responses to “Fun in the Target Parking Lot, My Successful Weekend, and Movies We’ve Never Seen”

  1. Missed Titanic. Not much, though.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    The iceberg didn’t.

    [Reply]

    Hashbrown Reply:

    Ha. Good one.

    [Reply]

    Erin Reply:

    I’ve also never seen Titanic – didn’t see the point in watching a movie that I already knew the ending for.

    [Reply]

    tiff Reply:

    Nor I. And no desire to.

    [Reply]

  2. Last!
    Wait…2nd… there will probably be more… talk later!

    [Reply]

  3. I meant “first to last.” Or not- I’mweARING sorry didn’t mean to yell- wearing jeans and high heels right now, OK maybe not the jeans. Or the high heals. Heels. Wait…wrong site…

    [Reply]

  4. I must be the only person never to have seen “Willie Wonka.” I wouldn’t know an Oompa Loompa if I fell over one, but others seem to reference them all the time.

    [Reply]

    TR Reply:

    omg thats my favorite movie ever, willy wonka!

    [Reply]

    Craigbob Reply:

    Make that one of the only two. We live in our own lonely world, Joe T.

    [Reply]

  5. 4th?? The reward for not being able to sleep on the West Coast here.

    Haven’t seen any ‘Godfathers’, Close Encounter of the Third Kind, any Batmans after the first one, no Spiderman sequels, haven’t seen any ‘Best Picture’ winners in a couple of years.

    [Reply]

  6. I suspect that the Lesbian Samaritan can wash and dry the inside of most windshields using only small motions of her tongue and little puffs of breath.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    hot fuzz Reply:

    She used to be a contractor but had to give up when her buildings kept collapsing… she never wanted to use studs but would only build using tongue and groove

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    That’s some damn fine word-play.

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Other, more practical powers possessed by the Lesbian Samaritan include the ability to moisten an entire roll of stamps and use her fist to attach each one to a letter so the stamp is perfectly centered. This licking and fisting power has many applications.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    hot fuzz Reply:

    And since she can do it so quickly, could it be said that she does so, lickety split?

    [Reply]

    CardMagik Reply:

    I believe that should be, lickety SPIT

    [Reply]

  7. Jeff…

    The description of the car fire was the funniest material you’ve produced in a long time. Eyes-watering funny. Maybe working a normal shift and not having book deadlines dangling over your head is good for both your soul and your writing.

    I’m just sayin’.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  8. Harry Wesley Coover, who invented Superglue in 1958, has died at his home in Kingsport, Tennessee. He was 94. Two of the pallbearers had to be buried with Mr. Coover when they found they were unable to let go of the handles of the casket. Mr. Coover was long known for his sense of humor.

    [Reply]

  9. Titanic…it came out while I worked at a book store & I swear If one more person asked me for a book on Titanic I was gonna loose it! I wouldn’t watch that movie on GP! I’ve also missed the last three years of movies/pop culture. No one told me this is what happens when you have a child.

    [Reply]

  10. Have never seen ET. Not even a five minute snippet while flipping through the channels. Never will. I refuse.

    And no fucking way I will ever watch “Grease” or “Saturday Night Fever”.

    None of the “Saw” movies either. It’s not that I don’t want to, but there is always a youngling around when I am awake to watch TV.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    No ET here either. But, you gotta check out the Saw movies. I ’bout shit.

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    Watched ET in 1st grade or so. Loved it, when they finally put it on video around 7th grade I thought it was stupid.
    Still love me some drew b.

    [Reply]

  11. I have’t seen the Godfathers, don’t really care to. Or most everything withJjim Carey in it. From what I’ve seen the only good thing that had Jim Carey in it was Jenny McCarthy.

    [Reply]

    tracy in ohio Reply:

    Even that is questionable. She is a bit of a loon…

    [Reply]

  12. I also have never seen the Godfather movies. And to my husband’s eternal disbelief, I have never seen Jaws. Add to that all of the Conan (the Barbarian) movies.

    And Krull.

    I have, however, seen ‘The Beastmaster.’

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    Ah, Beastmaster. Where you go in for a skimpily clad Tanya Roberts and leave with images of John Amos* in a thong burned into your retinas.

    *aka, the dad from “Good Times”, for those of you not in the know.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    He was also in the Kunta-Kinte clan, wasn’t he?

    [Reply]

    Gretchen Reply:

    Yep. Here’s his IMDB page:

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0025309/

    I must have forgotten that his character’s name in Beastmaster is “Seth”. The fuck?! That hardly seems a name befitting the Sword and Sorcery genre.

    [Reply]

  13. I have to second “Titanic”. i think I would rather stick pins in my eyes.

    JB I almost pissed when I read your Lesbian’s super powers. Laughed and then shuttered just a little bit.

    Happy Monday, Surfers!

    [Reply]

  14. Krull is awesome.

    Parts of godfather one but thats it.
    Willy winks

    Jerry m
    Twilights

    My brother watches saw with his kids in the room ages 1 2 3 and 8. Yeah he’s that guy.

    [Reply]

  15. I just recently watched the first Nightmare on elm street. I enjoyed for the pure factor of seeing Johnny Depp.

    I’ve seen bits and pieces of the Godfather. I think I would like it but never have had the urge to sit through the whole thing. I’ve never seen any of the Saws but don’t plan on it. I like scary movies that freak me out but not ones that are gross outs. I don’t want the visuals in my mind. I have seen the trailer for Human Centipede but that is as far as I am going to see of that one. Ugh. Nasty.
    I didn’t like Jerry Maguire but I also don’t like Tom Cruise and actively avoid any movie that has him in it. Plus it is sappy and I hate sappy movies.

    [Reply]

  16. I am not a big movie watcher so my omissions are probably not surprising but I also didn’t see Titanic. Like Knucklehead I’ll go for the pins. Anything called a “chickflick” I avoid on principle. I did see the first Godfather movie but can’t say it stuck with me as I only remember the horse’s head bit.

    [Reply]

  17. Add another “no Godfathers” to the list here.

    [Reply]

  18. Titanic
    Most “Sports” movies including Gerry McGuire, Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, etc.
    The entire Scream franchise
    Top Gun
    Schindler’s List (just haven’t gotten around to it yet)
    Casablanca (tried, but too boring)
    Psycho
    Back to the Future (never a fan of Michael J. Fox)

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    I think Casablanca is edge-of-the-seat from beginning to end, so maybe you were watching another film and just thought it was Casablanca. Any chance it was really Lawrence of Arabia or The English Patient? Or Shakespeare in Love?

    Just wondering.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Tyrosine Reply:

    It was Casablanca. It’s been over 20 years since my last attempt, so perhaps I’ll like it now. When I get some free time I’ll give it a shot.

    I actually liked Lawrence of Arabia.

    I’m the proud owner of a Y chromosome, so I’ll have to pass on the English Patient and Shakespeare in Love.

    [Reply]

    dorothy Reply:

    i think casablanca is one of he greatest movies ever made. i always stand up and sing the french natl. anthem along with everyone else, and end up with tears in my eyes. you had to go thru ww11 to appreciate it, i guess.

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Dorothy…

    I just missed WWII, but I also stand to sing La Marseillaise. And damn well mist over. Knowing that the extras in the film were mostly European refugees and were singing with real emotion, I sometimes mist over again.

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Kevindust Reply:

    What’s wrong with Shakespeare in Love? It is smart, witty and funny much like some of Shakespeares plays.

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    You’ll have to take that up with Tyro. I didn’t dis the film. I just thought Tyro might have been watching it and waiting for Major Strasser to show up.

    Just to be clear, it’s not Casablanca, though both films did win the best pic award.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  19. Never saw “Jaws” or any of its many, many sequels. As if life isn’t terrifying enough, you have to stick a giant shark in with a bunch of people! SHEESH!

    [Reply]

    Not Oprah Reply:

    Saw a bit of Jaws on the tube the other day. It was hilariously fake by today’s standards.

    [Reply]

    madz1962 Reply:

    I can recite about 98% of Jaws. Saw it in the theater in 1975 and haven’t ben the same since!

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    Am I the only one that thought Jaws was stupid? I did not find this movie the least bit scary…I’ve never even been able to sit through the whole movie because I think it’s so corny.

    [Reply]

  20. Except for the very excellent “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe?” I have never seen a movie with Elizabeth Taylor.

    [Reply]

  21. How about movies you wish you hadn’t. Superman III is on right now. What a turd.

    However big trouble was on and it is excellent.

    [Reply]

  22. I haven’t seen any of the Harry Potter movies, not even The Temple of Doom one.

    [Reply]

  23. I’m not a fan of movies that glamorize crime or movies where men try to hard to be “manly” so Mafia movies and westerns are on my “avoid” list, as are “romantic” movies with spoiled rich bitches that I want to slap the entire movie. I also don’t like Jim Carrey, so most of his movies are out. There are more popular movies I wish I could have avoided, but got stuck watching that I can think of than popular movies I know I didn’t see, so I will list some of those too.

    Godfather – think I may have seen part of the first one, but not by my choice, happened to be in the room when someone else was watching, most of what I know about it is from scenes in comedies spoofing it.

    Titanic – don’t remember the circumstances, but I know I saw it on TV even though I didn’t really want to. Wasn’t as bad as I expected.

    James Bond movies – I have seen several of these, but not by choice. I really don’t understand what other women see in this character, I think he is a jackass who thinks way too much of himself. I love Sean Connery, but not as this jackass character.

    Gone With the Wind – Was forced to watch it in Home Ec in high school (I think the teacher had some sort of project she had to prep for and this gave her a way to keep all her classes occupied for a whole week). I wanted to smack that bitch Scarlett.

    Jerry Maguire – Did not see. I like both lead actors, but this movie looks annoying.

    The Mask – As I said at the top, I do not like Jim Carrey.

    Lord of the Rings trilogy – I wish I saw these in theaters, but I am a “read the book first” person so I have not seen these yet as I could not get myself into the books. Several friends have since told me that this one is excusable to not read the book first (most of them it took several tries to read the books, some never even read all of them either). I am going to ask a friend with a big screen TV to have a LoTR party so I can see them at some point.

    Did not see any of the Spiderman movies, Scream series, or Saw movies. Don’t care to.

    Oh, and neither Jaws or The Exorcist is scary, but The Birds terrifies me.

    [Reply]

  24. I read but have never commented here–until now. You must check out these album covers in a post entitled “The Sound of Awkward” from Visual News:

    http://www.visualnews.com/2011/01/24/the-sound-of-awkward-album-covers-of-regret/

    [Reply]

    TILLY Reply:

    welcome!!!

    [Reply]

    hot fuzz Reply:

    Still chuckling to myself…

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    That’s the best link I have ever clicked on. Proof that the world should have ended before 1980.

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    DEATH TO ALL BUT METAL. What a bunch of ……

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    Fucking HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    [Reply]

    Root 66 Reply:

    Those were a riot!

    The dude at the top looks like Tim Conway having a bad hair day!

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    I actually owned a Swamp Dogg album.

    [Reply]

    Tyrosine Reply:

    I see that you’ve been visiting FARK….

    There’s more examples in the FARK thread:

    http://www.fark.com/comments/6066706/None-of-these-album-covers-should-have-ever-seen-light-of-day

    There always seems to be something aesthetically displeasing about gospel groups. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it always seems like they are the product of a consanguineous marriage or their mothers consumed a lot of teratogens.

    [Reply]

    Not Oprah Reply:

    That one dude in Steel Panther looks like Christina Applegate.

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    I guess they are a metal band that makes fun of the 80′s style. Here is a link to their Death to All but Metal video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfB7vF7nCdA the lyrics are actually kinda funny.

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Ya! What you said.

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    Outstanding. And since you mention it, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyJSetm6U0k
    .

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    After a little google search I found out Steel Panthers is some sort of parody of metal bands. Their music video is hilarious but NSFW!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfB7vF7nCdA

    [Reply]

    Kevindust Reply:

    Steel Panther doesn’t really belong on that list because their album cover is supposed to look like that – it’s part of the joke that they are clearly in on.

    [Reply]

    Valentin Reply:

    Steve Warren looks like Weird Al in the music video to eat it. Laugh out loud.

    [Reply]

  25. Never saw any of the Harry Potter movies or read any of the books–didn’t like the hype surrounding them.

    [Reply]

  26. Yet another Titanic non watcher here. Anything in black and white as well. Im a snob for “color” movies.

    Hey Jeff non kindle person here, are the signed copies gonna be offered here or on amazon?

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    plaz…

    About two weeks ago here we made a list of b/w movies that are superior to most color (no quotes needed) movies. You might want to check out the list and try a couple.

    By the way, that’s not what snob means. For your edification, here’s the definition…

    http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/snob

    jtb

    [Reply]

  27. I’m sure there are scores of movies I’ve never seen that I’m not even aware of. But of the ones I’ve heard of I’ve never seen:

    Animal House
    Lord of the Rings
    Harry Potter
    Devinci Code
    Saw Movies
    Blair Witch Project

    [Reply]

    Jeff Reply:

    Animal House?! There’s nothing about that movie I don’t like.

    [Reply]

    Jason Reply:

    I guess I’ll put it on my Netflix deal then.

    And I don’t want to start a bunch of crap here, but I just quit my night job, so I’ll have lots of spare time with the wife in the evenings. Anyone have any must see movie suggestions?
    I’ve seen all of The Godfather movies (they run it on a constant loop on A&E), and I can’t do SciFi. But other than that we’d like some decent suggestions. We have no idea where to start. We could literally walk into a blockbuster blindfolded and grab a video off the shelf, and there’s a great chance we haven’t seen it.

    Thanks!

    [Reply]

    hot fuzz Reply:

    Here are some movies you and the little woman might enjoy

    Shaving Ryan’s Privates
    Shindler’s Fist
    Bednobs and Poonsticks
    The se-X files
    Raiders of the Lost Arse
    Forest Rump (or it’s sequel Forest Hump)
    or any number of other ones I could have stolen from here
    http://www.popcrunch.com/25-best-porn-movie-parody-titles/

    [Reply]

    hot fuzz Reply:

    it’s s/b its…. I keep forgetting…

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Also, if he’s into animation…Pinnochio, It’s Not His Nose That Grows”.

    [Reply]

    Ed Reply:

    Try “O Brother Where Art Thou” and “The Big Lebowski”

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    Those are both seriously excellent films. As are “Miller’s Crossing” and “Fargo”. “No Country for Old Men” was very good, but I think not quite at the level of those four. My three have a certain amount of blood-n-gore, so be forewarned.

    Fuck it, dude – let’s go bowling.
    .

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    And I was just reading a review in one of those “news-papers”, which led me to believe that The Lincoln Lawyer might be a fun movie. A somewhat predictable procedural, says the reviewer, but the characters are nicely done. And it’s got William H. Macy and Marisa Tomei.
    .

    [Reply]

  28. The Lesbian Samaritan, when not saving white trash from themselves, is disguised as Pete Rose running her own bike store…wait…many lesbos look like Pete Rose….and they all seem to be into cycling too. Why is that?

    [Reply]

  29. No Adam Sandler films. I suppose he’s regarded as a comedic genius, but the best I’ve given him is five seconds into a thirty second trailer.

    Almost no standard broadcast TV post “The Love Boat.” Missed out on Full House, Surviver, American Idol, Apprentice, Academy Awards ceremonies, the works. I devour cable TV (Sopranos, Deadwood, Sparticus: Blood and Sand), but the watered-down, PG-level material on ABC, NBC, CBS and Fox seems like a waste of time.

    [Reply]

  30. Casablanca, African Queen – Watched about 30 minutes of Casablanca. I should probably watch African Queen since I like Hepburn.

    Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings – Nothing with wizards and fairies. I think I read that somewhere.

    No horror movies.

    I never watched Wizard of Oz until I was an adult. Could never get past the freakin’ midgets (little people) when I was a kid. Scared the hell out of me!

    [Reply]

    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    The midgets scared you? I was just the opposite. Midgets are crazy sexy!

    [Reply]

    Drug Delivery Guy Reply:

    Yeah, midgets became sexy a little later on. :)

    [Reply]

    T. Farty McAppleass Reply:

    They’re so muscular or curvy, or whatever. And it’s hard to believe they can take the whole thing (their belly button is only about an inch and a half from their hoo hoo) but they can. They’re champs.

    [Reply]

  31. It’s hard for a lot of people to believe, since these movies are considered “pop-cultural touchstones” of my generation (or some shit) but I’ve never seen:

    Ghostbusters
    any of the Back to the Futures
    Sixteen Candles
    Breakfast Club
    Beverly Hills Cop
    Footloose
    or Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    And I’ve never watched Caddyshack, Animal House, Grease, or any of the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises in their entirety.

    Movie-going was not a big thing in our family when I was growing up, and I guess the tradition continues: I almost never go to the movies, discounting the occasional revival screening. I suppose I see a first-run movie about every 8 or 9 years at this point. I saw Unstoppable about two months ago; before that, I think the last first-run movie I saw was O Brother Where Art Thou…

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    O Brother Where Art Thou….one of the funniest movies! Love it!! George Clooney is hilarious.

    [Reply]

    BoMama Reply:

    “We thought you was a toad.”
    Kills me every time!

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    Ghostbusters
    any of the Back to the Futures
    Sixteen Candles
    Breakfast Club

    You are missing out. I’ve seen all of these movies atleast 30 times a peice in my life. Just as awesome every time.

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    So…just out of curiousity, what do you watch?….

    [Reply]

    Phantom Railfan Reply:

    Honestly, I tend toward old movies, mostly comedy. Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy, Buster Keaton, W. C. Fields, etc. I even enjoy silent films. I sometimes like to watch 60s and 70s drive-in-type movies, or movies I wanted to see when I was a kid in pre-VCR/DVD/Netflix days, but couldn’t because of parental interference. There’s a sort of running joke among my family and friends that if it was made in the last 30 years, I probably won’t like it. There’s probably some truth to it, but I prefer to think of myself as being retro before retro was hip…

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    Ok, Three Stooges, WC Fields and although you didn’t mention it, Marx Brothers, were all I watched for a few years. That and the Monkees and Beatles movies. I was pretty much awestruck the first time I heard Harpo Marx play the piano, and those horns he used to communicate pretty much made my day. I still watch Stooge-a-palooza almost every Saturday night. Marx Brothers were all left behind at the parents when I moved along with the WC Fields, but I don’t have a VHS anyway unfortunately.

    [Reply]

  32. I have never seen:

    Friday the 13th
    Nightmare on Elm St
    Any of the James Bond shit
    Willy Wonka
    Any Saw movies…actually bits and pieces (no pun) and it freaked me the fuck out. Gives too many wacko’s out there too many ideas.
    No Harry Potter
    No Star Wars
    The Deer Hunter
    No Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler
    No Lord of the Rings epics

    And…FYI…I am a lesbo magnet. Yes. Believe it. If a chick has lesbo tendencies I’m ususlly the first pick. I have been poked, prodded and felt up by a lot of our friends that when they get drunk they want to “do” everybody…including me. I don’t know why. But it’s well know in our circle that I am the dyke target. Noooo thanks. I will never be a part of the Licky-Licky Club.

    [Reply]

    hot fuzz Reply:

    I must be one too – all the chicks I hit on must be dykes because they never want to go make out with me in the men’s room or out back in the parking lot by the dumpster… yeah, they must all be dykes.

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    No…they just don’t know a good thing when they see it.

    [Reply]

  33. What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians?

    A: Militia Etheridge.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Six…. one to screw in the light bulb and five to shout “Fabulous!!”.

    [Reply]

    Ed Reply:

    I thought the punch line was going to be way dirtier.

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    yeah, something like:

    And a team of proctologists to remove it.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    And, the power company to cut the power.

    [Reply]

  34. Count me in for a pre-order.

    Never seen, but want to:
    Citizen Kane
    Annie Hall
    Easy Rider
    Shawshank Redemption
    A Streetcar Named Desire

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Annie Hall and Shawshank were both excellent. Can’t really comment on the others, never saw any of them, except for pieces of Easy Rider.

    [Reply]

    johnthebasket Reply:

    Bill, was that Five Easy Pieces of Easy Rider? I didn’t catch the number…

    jtb

    [Reply]

    Chuck in Belpre Reply:

    I see what you did there…

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    LOL!

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Shawshank Redemption is one of those movies that I will stop and watch seemingly no matter what’s going on.

    [Reply]

    Short-n-sweet Reply:

    I have to agree with WB’s comment on Shawshank Redemption. I think I’ve only watched the beginning of the movie one time. However, I’ve probably watched it 4 or 5 times from various starting points simply because I happened to stumble upon it while channel surfing. It’s that good.

    [Reply]

    bikerchick Reply:

    I agree…Shawshank is one of those movies that sucks you in. Beginning to end.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Poor Andy, didn’t stand a chance against them Bull-Queers.

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    “I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that – but prison is no fairy-tale world.” – Red

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    fuzzy britches

    [Reply]

  35. How do you miss shawshank? Don’t have tnt ?

    [Reply]

  36. It’s phrases like “Lesbian Samaritan” that have kept me coming back to read your site daily for all these many many years.
    Keep up the great work

    [Reply]

  37. That first news item was top-notch, classic Surf Report material. I couldn’t stop laughing – well, I eventually did, but you know what I mean.

    I saw the first Batman movie, but none of the other -men (Super, Spider, X or Iron). Never seen any movie that was based on a video game. No Godfathers. No Twilights, no Lord of the Rings, no Forest Gump. The list goes on and on. But I do like the Coen Brothers, and Tarantino.

    Lesbian superpower: Turbo-Tongue!
    .

    [Reply]

    Henderson Reply:

    I own the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy on Blu_Ray. As far as I’m concerned, there are NO other movies worth watching.

    What RRRRRR ya doin?

    [Reply]

  38. Last night I watched ‘Powder” on SyFy. What a waste of time that was. When a Swiffer commercial is more interesting than the movie you know it is a gold plated road apple.

    [Reply]

  39. Movies that I haven’t seen but am open to watching:

    Cast Away
    Dirty Dancing
    Footloose
    Animal House
    Devinci Code
    Godfathers

    I recently watched Get Him to the Greek, Due Date, and Devil.

    Get him to the Greek was awesome and the ‘furry wall’ scene is one of the funniest I’ve seen in awhile. Although I hate rap and I think Puff Daddy is ridiculous, he was the funniest character in this movie.

    Due Date–Not one of my favorites, but it was good, I’d watch it again. I’ve been a fan of Zach Galifianakis since he was in ‘Out Cold’ back in 2001, which was better then Due Date in my opinion, but whatever.

    Devil – Had the usual horrid acting of a typical M. Night Shamaylan’s cast–but the story behind it was actually pretty interesting. It is pretty creepy and you’ll get hooked after a few minutes. If you can get past the horrible acting, it’s a pretty good movie.

    I’ve seen a lot of movies…Tim Burton’s “Big Fish” is one of my favorite movies of all time. The ending just brings the whole movie together and makes it all worth it. Can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen this movie.

    Anyway, I kind of got off topic…carry on.

    [Reply]

  40. Good Morning Surf Reporters…….

    Jeff had me at ..”Godfather” and “Jackass” .. in the same sentence.

    There’s all kind of quotes nowadays being thrown around, all willy – nilly. “Old School” “Wedding Crashers” “I can’t think of any others right now”.

    Oh, it’s the pinnacle of high hilarity, except when you’re on the outside listening in…

    [Reply]

  41. I just saw the Bunker Cam. I have no words…….

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    WTF and OMG come to mind…

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Jeff FINALLY published a picture of NOSTRILS !!!!!

    [Reply]

    hot fuzz Reply:

    It’s a real trifecta today..the cam, evidence and classic…what I don’t get is that a “suggested” video to the german forklift film is “adam and eve the gay version”? Related how??

    From the evidence… “no gays”…right….

    [Reply]

    Carla Reply:

    Aaaahhhh! Now I know why everyone wants to beat up gingers! YUCK!

    [Reply]

    Brittney Reply:

    AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know whether to laugh or be scared.

    [Reply]

  42. Some of these I get. Some of these I really don’t.

    My ex has never seen any star wars, and refuses to. Not the reason she’s an ex, but it doesn’t hurt.

    Sidenote: Watched a thing on History INT about the mythology behind starwars which was pretty good, except I’m pretty sure I watched the same thing years ago but it only included the original 3. When they try to justify the other 3 the eggheads just sound stupid.

    I’ve never seen sharktopus, but will.

    [Reply]

    icecycle66 Reply:

    Sharktopus is much better than Shartofpuss.

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    I believe that is a shunt.

    [Reply]

  43. Two mentions of the DaVinci Code, both spelled the same wrong way.

    I haven’t seen it either, I liked the book but Tom Hanks is hit or miss in my book.

    Bachelor Party (hit)
    Volunteers (hit)
    Forrest Gump (miss)
    Philadelphia (mith)
    Road to Perdition (hit)
    Catch Me if You Can (hit)
    You’ve Got Mail/Sleepless in Seattle (miss)
    Dragnet (hit)

    Ok, so he’s more hit than miss. Damn.

    Ok, how about nothing with nick cage since
    Adaptation?

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Bachelor Party-agree
    Volunteers-never heard of it
    Forrest Gump-loved it
    Philadelphia-never saw it (but I remember what it’s about, so I get the “mith”)
    Road to Perdition-never heard of it
    Catch me if you Can-never heard of it
    You’ve got Mail/SiS-loved both of them, what can I say, I love a good chick flick!
    Dragnet-never saw it

    and I agree with your assesment of the Devenci code, good book but never bothered to see the movie.

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Oh, and for Nick Cage, he makes my teeth hurt watching him “act”.

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    “Road to Perdition (hit)”

    I think Road to Perdition is in my Big Pile of DVDs Waiting To Be Watched. Maybe I should move it to the front of the queue. T-storm, what did you think of Hanks in Shaving Ryan’s Privates?
    .

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    Volunteers is tom hanks and john candy and awesome. Tom hanks in spr. And Apollo dirt teen were awesome. Which lead to earth to the moon and band of brothers. Excellent.

    Road to perdition is dark andfun and. Newman

    [Reply]

  44. Less than two days till Reds opening day!

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Thank God! We’re just about out of pitchers.

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Oh Hell YESSSSS !!!

    [Reply]

  45. Add me to the list of those who haven’t seen any of the “Godfather” films.

    Also haven’t seen:

    Deliverance
    Gone With the Wind
    Footloose
    Top Gun
    Happy Gilmore
    Tron (either one)
    Ace Ventura (I think there was more than one)

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    Deliverance was good. Top Gun was a predictable Hollywood love story – just plain tiresome. Think Officer and a Gentleman. I haven’t seen any of the rest of these.
    .

    [Reply]

  46. Never saw Jerry McGuire and have no desire.

    Missed these:

    Gone With The Wind
    Godfather 2
    The Hangover

    Probbaly more. Time for another happy pill.

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    The Hangover is okay. You have some time to kill. Hope the surgery went good!

    [Reply]

  47. Never saw Jerry McGuire and have no desire.

    Would rather test a noose than watch footloose.

    [Reply]

  48. Here’s a great vacation idea for jeff and the crew:

    http://www.laurelnestyurts.com/category/classes-and-workshops/upcoming-workshops

    [Reply]

    t-storm Reply:

    Baby I wanna be in a yurt with you
    you can be my Ernie and I’ll be your burt for you
    well sew a cover so you can be my lover
    I wanna be in a yurt with you.

    [Reply]

  49. On a whim I searched the Kindle store last night from my kindle and voila, there was the new book from Jeff. I downloaded it and am on Chapter 4 already. It is Great!!

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    All I found was this…

    http://www.amazon.com/blame-teddy-big-walk-single/dp/B00411Q9U4/ref=sr_1_14?ie=UTF8&qid=1301493326&sr=8-14

    [Reply]

    Tbonium Reply:

    It only shows up when you search the store from a Kindle right now. Not sure why. However I can say that for 3.99 it is a steal. Not sure why it was so cheap…..

    Love the book so far. Who would have thought Sunshine would be in the book…….. lmao

    [Reply]

    Bill in WV Reply:

    Dude, don’t spoil it for us.

    [Reply]

    dto Reply:

    I sent my check timed to arrive on the 1st.

    And yeah…no spoilers…mmk?

    [Reply]

    Jeff Reply:

    The book is still in the process of publishing at Amazon. It can take up to 72 hours. That’s why it’s so difficult to find in searches at this point. By Thursday it should be fully gestated.

    [Reply]

    WB in OH Reply:

    Looks like it’s for sale at B&N nook store. I’m getting all tingly.

    [Reply]

    chill Reply:

    Yeah – I searched on “crossroads road” at amazon.com, and it says “Showing 1 – 8 of 9 Results”. None of those are the right thing, and there is no “show the 9th item” button.

    *Sigh* It’s OK. I’ll wait until Friday. Gee fucking willikers.
    .

    [Reply]

  50. Just bought the nook version. Of all the days to leave the iPad at home…..

    [Reply]

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So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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