For Valentine’s Day: Our Breakup Stories

Thankfully, I don’t have an abundance of experience with this one…  Across my adult life I’ve had three long-term relationships, so I’ve only had to endure the pain of a breakup three times (twice with the first girl, once with the second).  But I promise you… I don’t do well with it.

The first time it happened I was plunged into the kind of blackness I didn’t even realize existed.  I literally didn’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, and nothing could make me happy.  I just sat around sighing all the time.  Everything reminded me of my girlfriend and all the amazing stuff we’d experienced together.  And now it was all gone.  I couldn’t listen to music, because every lyric made me cry.  Probably even Weird Al.

I was a goddamn mess.

The second time was just as bad, with a side order of humiliation.  We were attempting a long-distance relationship — I was in Greensboro and she was still in Dunbar.  One weekend she came for a visit, and within the first two hours, we were done.  She said she had feelings for another guy, and I told her to get the fuck out.  Actually, that was SCREAMED, with my full diaphragm behind it.

She left crying, and ten minutes later I took off after her — wanting to talk it out.  I already regretted the way I’d reacted, and hoped to have a conversation with her before she was completely gone from my life.  We’d been together six years, and I didn’t want it to end with “GET THE FUCK OUT!”  So, I went ripping down the interstate, weaving between cars, and driving like a maniac.

Yeah, I never caught up with her.  I don’t even know if she immediately headed home.  She could’ve gone to Shoney’s for lunch.  Who the hell knows?  It was all a crazy blur.

But I did something really stupid when I returned to Greensboro.  I went to Peaches, the record store where I worked.  I didn’t want to go back to my empty apartment, I guess, and decided to go to work instead.  I was sitting at my desk in one of the back offices, and completely melted down like Steve Bosell.  In front of Brad, and my boss Jeff.  It was a pathetic display.

It took me a long time to recover from that breakup.  I was — as they say — adrift.  It was a bad period of my life.

And my (hopefully) final breakup was also ugly.  Lots of hollering and insults and accusations…  It was in Atlanta, and we were living together in a tiny apartment, across the hall from the pre-Grammy Awards Arrested Development.  After that nasty-ass fight (I’d taken a scorched-earth approach), she left for a few days, and it was just me and her cat.

I liked the cat OK, but she knew something was wrong.  And she made weird crying noises every few minutes, the whole time my girlfriend was gone.  It was awful.

After they (the girl and the cat) moved out I went spiraling down the proverbial rabbit hole, and nearly drank myself into oblivion.  I also “dated” a lot — aggressively and for spite — and it was a bad, awkward time.

It was during that period when I was at a woman’s apartment, nursing a beer on the couch, when she came walking into the room completely naked, and said, “Tonight, I want to explore your body.”  After I stopped laughing, I realized I had no attraction to this person whatsoever.  And I spent the next hour trying to avoid having sex with her.

I was partially successful, thank you very much, and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  It was a mixed-up half-a-year, full of mental illness and alcohol abuse and desperation.  And it’s hopefully something I’ll never have to experience again.

And now, it’s your turn.  If you feel like sharing, on this international day of love (or whatever), please tell us your breakup stories.  Use the comments link below.

Also, I’d like to know your favorite breakup albums.  One of my faves is fairly obscure, by a band called Local H.  The album is called 12 Angry Months, and it’s all about a breakup — the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Here’s someone’s homemade video of the first song.  It’s a great record, and I recommend it highly.  What are some other worthwhile albums on the subject?  Please tell us about it.

And I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends.

See ya then!

Now playing in the bunker

65 Responses to “For Valentine’s Day: Our Breakup Stories”

  1. Back to back jack!

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  2. If I even attempt to go into the humiliating time in my life where I was breaking up with people (or, more aptly, getting broken up WITH), I might find myself in a bathtub tonight after downing Xanax and alcohol, ala Miss Whitney.
    Instead, I’ll focus on the fact that I haven’t had a “breakup” in a long time and don’t intend to have one anytime soon. I hope the same goes for all you surf reporters out there, with someone or alone.
    If they’re outta my life, then fuckem; I don’t want to remember them.

    But passing on a naked chick? Really? W-O-W…

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  3. I’ve only had one bad breakup or should I say I was the dumped not the dumper. I was an effing mess for about four months. Eventually a string of one and two or three night stands brought me out of the funk.

    On a related note, I heard on the radio the average person will spend around a $126 on Valentine’s Day. I’m spending zero as will thousands of other sadsacks such as myself, with that in mind, some people must spend a small fortune today. How much money does a decent Valentine’s Day cost? I’m a little out of the loop.

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    ~$8.23 . $5.69 for the tube of KY and $2.54 for the cucumber.

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    madz1962 Reply:

    SUNOVABEEEEEECH, Uncle Wdgie. I just dropped a cup of water across my desk when I went to reach for a napkin to laugh into. My face is crimson from surpressed laughter. Thanks.

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Hey, Unc…when was the last time you bought KY?? That go-go-juice will cost you about 20 bucks. Shit! I know. Just bought some last week. Maybe because it was the “warming sensation” kind.

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    Did you go with the euro style cucumber or regular?

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    bikerchick Reply:

    Neither. Hot pink, 5 speeds and fabulous! :)

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    clintcurtis Reply:

    $128 sounds about right. I found some great roses in the grocery store for my wife for $30, sent a big bouquet of flowers to my friend’s wife for $50, a $20 box of chocolates to a good friend, now all I have left is two boxes of cholates for my daughters, and a bottle of wine for a friend because it’s his birthday.

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    LOL, I blew that out of the water with just the flowers today. My wife deserves it and I am happy to splurge at least a couple times a year. You only live once.

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  4. Great breakup song is “No more Looking Back” by the Kinks.

    If you are lonely the girls in the Bunker Cam look ready for some action.

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  5. Me: Sound asleep on a Saturday morning after a long week. The cat climbs onto my chest to nap, which is just fine and goes along with my vision of dozing until 9:30 or so. Then she barfs right on me. I bolt up, tossing cat and linens aside. So much for slepping in.

    The (then) Wife: [Walks into room from fuckifIknowhwhere] I’m moving out today. Can I use the truck?

    Me: Wha?

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    dogberry Reply:

    Oh, Beck’s Sea Change is an excellent break-up album.

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    clintcurtis Reply:

    Man, THAT was cruel!

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    dogberry Reply:

    Yeah. I loved that truck.

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    Laina Reply:

    My ex husband (we were married 20+) came into the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth and said,”so, I don’t want to be married anymore.”

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    dogberry Reply:

    Guess it’s not as rare as I thought.

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  6. Haha, I saw Local H in concert maybe 15 years ago at the Masquerade in Atlanta! I don’t remember much about them except that their big hit at the time was “High Fiving Mother F#$ker”. I never would’ve thought that Jeff and I actually might’ve even listened to the same music! :)

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  7. Stickboy’s ‘Sings My Song’ CD has break-up songs on it and really helped me with a break up… Girl that I was engaged to dropped me for a friend of mine. Good times! And Stickboy made it a little easier.

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  8. Oh, my first breakup was BAD! I had been with her for about 5 years, then went into the Air Force and was at a base 300 miles away. She was going to drive over to see me one weekend, but at the last moment she cancelled out and told me she had fallen in love with an Army guy at a base close to her home.

    It took me a long time to get over it. She married him, had a kid, then he split. She called me when I was working in Alaska for an Air Force contractor 5 years later. She told me about her kid, and that she was collecting welfare and doing fine. When she asked me how I was doing, I told her truthfully, I’m at a remote weather station in Alaska, have a fiance, and made $116,000 from wages alone.

    The call eneded well, with me promising to stop by and see her when I got down to Seattle. I never did, but years later my brother saw her in a grocery store.

    When I was visiting him, we were driving down a side street to his house and we saw her walking down the sidewalk to a seedy apartment building. He asked me, “Do you want to stop and talk to her?” I replied, “Uhhh, NO!”

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  9. Best breakup song I can currently think of is “Idiot Wind” by some fella named Zimmerman.

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  10. I’m not humiliating myself with any of my past horror stories–just the one I’m semi-involved with right now.

    My son’s on again/off again crazy-assed girl texted him last night with the current bad news. Right now I’m trying to track the ice.com package he ordered for her Valentine’s gift so he can sell it to a co-worker so that it’s not a total loss. This time it was “it’s just not working for me.” Yeah, I’d like to work on her.

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    dogberry Reply:

    By text? Damn, I can’t decide if that’s harsh or merciful.

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    hot fuzz Reply:

    My daughter’s boyfriend broke up with her at 1 am with a text. But that’s 16 yr old kids. Vicki’s son sounds like he might be a bit older if he has disposable income meaning she’s older (I hope) than 16… I think if that’s her level of maturity then he is better “off again”…. actually forget the “again” part…

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  11. Boy, I dated a lot of assholes. I dumped a guy after I found out he was maried. He was one slick bastard. He had no qualms giving me his home phone number (back in the day when that was the only mode of communicating). Then, his wife called me screaming and I tried to assure her I didn’t know he was married. It was bad. About a year after that whole fiasco, the stupid bastard had the nerve to call me again to tell me his wife left him and can we get back together? I hope that karma doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.

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  12. Something tells me my next breakup will be a little tough… or a relief…. who the fuck knows at this point. Looking back I realize now that she actually broke up with me at least twice so stupid fucking me for not getting the message the first time.

    Happy Valentines Day Everyone!!! :)

    My brother’s found out his ex wanted a divorce when the ex wife accidentally pocket dialled him from her lawyers office as they were discussing the best way to screw him. “Let’s wait until he’s off short term disability so he’ll have more earnings we can go after”. He’d been in an accident and unable to work for 6 months while he recovered.

    yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day… YAY!!! :)

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  13. I can think of a really emberassing breakup story. It ended with a girl getting a restraining order on me. I was 21, she was 26 and fucking gorgeous. We went hot and heavy for about 2 years. We had an apartment together. Her mother came to visit from one of the carolinas and quickly determined that I was too young, and most likely a loser. Her mom helped her get another apartment and that was it. Gone. She too had a cat and, oddly, left it at my place. I called and called, using the cat as an excuse. Nothing. One drunken night I decided to take the cat to her. She wouldn’t answer the door so I left her a note and tossed the cat in the backseat of her car. A good week later when she returned home (I didn’t know she’d left) she found the cat in her car and my drunken note taped to her apartment door. The cat was dead. I think to this day she believes that I murdered her cat and put its body in her car. I’ll never know though, because it’s been 15 years and she still won’t answer my calls – I try every day.

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    Theresa Reply:

    omg thats a crazy ass story

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    ohiogrl Reply:

    That’s awesome!

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  14. Drive By Truckers – Decoration Day, one of the best, saddest albums ever. All about lost love and suicide.

    My break up stories are pretty epic usually.

    Probably the single lowest point was early on, approx June 20th, 1997.
    And this is a little gross and graphic, but whatever.

    I chased my cheating whore of a girlfriend down the street, drunk, during a party at our house (we had 5 or 6 other roomates), screaming (chanting?) “I FUCKED YOU ON YOUR PERIOD! I FUCKED YOU ON YOUR PERIOD!”

    I was asked to move out the next day. I moved all the way across the street. That started the worst summer of my life. I lost some really good friends during that time.
    But I got to live on a street named Fosdick. Goodtimes.

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    Kevindust Reply:

    I forget the context of the conversation but I once said the line “You know, that fucked her on her period smell.”

    It was so good I had to write it down. I don’t believe I’ve ever used the line again but it is stored and ready to go if the oportunity ever arises.

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  15. A little ditty that will help you get over a bad break up is “Break Stuff” by Limp Bisket.

    When I was in high school, I broke up with my first love to go out with some clown on the football team. The school was going through some remodeling and we were standing in a stair well we shouldn’t have been. He’s begging me not to break up with him but I did anyway. It ends up that the football dude was a complete and utter asshole. When I wanted to go back with my first love, he already had another girlfriend, and said I was too late. I was devastated. Karma. I took me a long time to get over being that stupid and cruel.

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    Theresa Reply:

    i had a similar situation, i broke up with my first love from high school, for a 30 year old guy who turned out to be a complete asshole and now i kick myself in the ass for it, but we can just say we were young and dumb i guess.

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  16. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him get inoculated. The rest of the breakup stories are judicially sealed

    jtb

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    CADude Reply:

    Judiciously, no doubt.

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  17. Best album after a breakup is “Deserters Songs” by Mercury Rev

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  18. Single man’s best friend is the word “NEXT!”

    As soon as you figure out that when you’re having sex with a woman that *she* is the one getting “lucky”, your life gets sooo much easier.

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  19. I think I woke up after a drunken stupor with the chick in the middle of the bunker cam. It kept happening time after time. Jesum crow they were better looking the night before…

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  20. My worst breakup was 11 years ago, and I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say I hope she lives long enough to see everyone she ever cared about die (assuming such persons exist).

    Breakup music… I can only think of artists with “giant” in their names: “Free Hand” by Gentle Giant, and of course “Narrow Your Eyes” and “Twisting” by They Might Be Giants.
    .

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  21. tonight I thought I would take myself out for some wings instead of sitting at home.. got a cute young waiter and at the end of dinner, he told me it was his treat! damn i didnt know if i should kiss him or what but that was the sweetest thing somebody has done for me in a long time.. maybe he felt sorry for this ol’ chick hahaha if he only knew how i could rock his world lol happy valentines day evrybody!

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  22. Don’t laugh, but:

    Hall + Oates – ‘Change Of Season’

    Best. Breakup. Album. EVER!

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  23. Great breakup album : Reigning Sound “Time Bomb High School.” The 1st side of the vinyl copy is all lament…then you flip it to the second side and it kicks off into “fuck you, bitch” territory. Very therapeutic.

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  24. Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

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  25. Best breakup song:

    The Breakup Song by Greg Khin.

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  26. Sometimes you get over by getting through: Graduation Day by Chris Isaak.

    jtb

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    CADude Reply:

    In the holiday spirit, how about Kathy Valentine’s “Getting By”?

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Dude, that would be appropriate should your heart be smushed on Arbor Day or Boxing Day or any day at all, but I’ll stipulate the appropriateness of the season.

    And, of course, Kathy herself could fix many things that ail me, but that’s just a personal observation.

    jtb

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  27. Or Butch Walker’s “The Weight of Her”…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEtGZIWWo9c

    jtb

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  28. Oh hell yeah!

    http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Womens-Light-T-Shirt-CafePress/dp/B005KUIUMU/ref=sr_1_26?ie=UTF8&qid=1329339163&sr=8-26

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    WB in OH Reply:

    Now that I’m done laughing my ass off, I have to ask…how in the hell did you stumble across that?

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    t-storm Reply:

    Screwing around during lunch, since I moved to Vegas I’m trying to figure out do I:
    a. Continue Squatting
    b. Live in a VW Westfalia
    c. Buy some land and live in a yurt or one of these http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/
    d. Buy some poor schmuck’s foreclosed property for 30 cents on the dollar?

    So my search on Amazon for Yurt revealed this.

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    WB in OH Reply:

    f. Become a high roller and live in the [insert fancy casino hotel name here] comped!

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  29. How about “You’ve broken my heart, you’ve torn it apart, so fuck you” by Harry Nilsson. (Don’t know the the exact name of the song).

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    chill Reply:

    “You’re Breakin’ My Heart”. Great song.
    .

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    Ed Reply:

    I like the story in the Nilsson documentary about how everyone sang that song at his funeral.

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  30. “Happier Times” by Joe Bonamassa on the Royal Albert Hall album. Fuck but that song tears me up.

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  31. Off topic, but I don’t care. I have some kind of sinus infection, and … I’m getting ahead of myself here. 25 years ago, I had a girlfriend, and we spent the night at the Pittsburgh Marriott Station Square. We were having our fun in the room, and at that time her preferred method of birth control was a diaphragm. Also, at the time, she was having her monthly visitor. We finished, and she goes into the bathroom to clean up, and then I do. And I notice a half-dollar size glop on the wall. Apparently upon taking out the diaphragm, it snapped open, flipping a blob of cum and blood and blood clots onto the wall, and that’s exactly what the tissue looked like when I just blew my nose. Any suggestions? Should I see a doctor?

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    t-storm Reply:

    Im imagining the half tennis ball pop

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    chill Reply:

    Wow, thanks for that image.

    “The body: the sack of blood and shit that we call home”.
    .

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    madz1962 Reply:

    I guess i won’t be eating these cheesy raviolis anytime soon.

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  32. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9zMo-BPADU

    I apologize in advance for the musical earwig….

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    WB in OH Reply:

    For some reason, listening to that song makes me want to go out and punch a homosexual in the throat.

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    chill Reply:

    Here is a better song in a much cooler situation, yet still an earworm: http://streetdate.radio.com/2012/02/14/suzanne-vega-steps-back-in-time-records-toms-diner-on-wax-cylinder-at-thomas-edisons-laboratory/
    .

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  33. Breakup song: You Got Lucky – Tom Petty

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  34. No. We are not going to go there.

    [Reply]

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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