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July 31, 2008
The
3rd Grade Crew is Preparing to Strike!
-- I was at work last night and, for no known reason, it suddenly felt like someone stabbed me in the left eye with a dagger. Just incredible pain, with no warning or cause...
I popped out my contact lens, and it hurt a little less. But less of a lot is still too much, and I began stumbling down the hall toward the front door. I had some solution in my car, and also a case for my contacts. Those bastards were coming out for the evening, because I'm just not a fan of advanced dagger-eye.
I stored both lenses away, and put on my glasses. I went back into the building, and stopped by the bathroom. And when I looked at myself in the mirror I let out a gasp. The white part of my eye was blood red, like something out of a horror movie.
Good God, I'd never seen anything like it, in real life. I was all
zombied-up, tears were streaming down my face, and it felt like my cornea was ablaze. I went out into the hallway and some guy passed me going the opposite direction, gave me the standard
sup? lift of the chin, then stopped in his tracks and did a double-take.
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July 30, 2008
First
picture ever posted to the internet?
-- When I came home from work on Monday night it smelled like someone had detonated a garlic bomb inside our house. I pushed open the door and my head whipped back, salt water erupted from my eyes, and a womanly whimper escaped my throat.
It's not unusual for Toney and the boys to garlic-up the joint when I'm not around, since they all love it, but this was like biological
weaponry. I went upstairs to make sure everyone was still breathing inside that house of high-funk, then contemplated leaving a note and going to a hotel.
I can't stand the smell, or the taste, of garlic (Satan's seasoning). Even a light dusting of garlic salt casts a dark shadow across a meal, as far as I'm concerned. And the ironic part of it all? I love Italian food. Yeah, I know it makes no sense, but there you are.
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July 29, 2008
International
Age of Consent Map
--
Before Sunshine & Mumbles arrived at our house Sunny had Big Plans.
She wanted to go to Gettysburg while she was here, Atlantic City, Jim
Thorpe, and the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia. And how many of those
things actually happened? That's correct, zero.
It was the heat, you see. It was hot and humid the entire time, which
made Sunshine uninterested in everything except napping and shopping for
expensive new Lane Bryant outfits in which to nap in.
For the record, I would've gone on any of those excursions, especially
Atlantic City (I've never been), and the Mutter Museum (fukkin
cool!). But we'll (with an emphasis on that controlling bastard
Jeff) will ultimately be blamed. Because Sunshine revises history
like she's running for office.
I'm surprised the events haven't already been "adjusted." It's
been an entire week.
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July 28, 2008
Anti-establishment
Post-Grad Slacks
-- This was the first normal weekend we've had in years, possibly decades. At least that's the way it felt... Toney and the older Secret were out of town Wednesday through Friday, but by Friday evening all was as it should be.
And that means all four of us were home, Andy was snoozing in a cool spot, there was beer in the fridge, and no visitors were dragging us down. Just kicking back on the couch and watching Jack Bauer gut-shoot Arabs & Russians felt like the biggest luxury in the world.
On Friday morning I made a to-do list on an index card, and tacked it to the bulletin board inside the bunker. There were nine projects listed, and all but two are now crossed-off. And that's the kind of progress I never thought I'd see again; two weeks ago I would've proclaimed it impossible.
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July 25, 2008
Chapter
14: Strip-Mining Turnips
-- Toney and the older Secret are out of town, at a multi-day swim meet, so it's just been me and the younger youngling, since early Thursday morning.
I sometimes feel guilty (go figure) about the amount of time I'm able to devote to the Secrets, and decided to set yesterday aside for father/son goofiness. I tried to stay away from the computer all day, and did a so-so job of it.
We went golfing(!), had both lunch and dinner in restaurants, watched a little TV, and just generally hung out together. We had fun, and sometimes I forget there's an actual
real world out there.
We played nine holes at a so-called country club (open to the general public?), and it wasn't pretty. For one thing I don't have my own clubs, and was forced to endure the indignity of "renting" a set from the pro shop. And that's a request that's… not exactly manly.
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July 23, 2008
Buck taking it up another notch?
-- When we replaced Toney's computer recently, it wouldn't connect to the wireless network because of some problem with Windows Vista. I had to call a guy from the IT department at my old job, who got it straightened out
for a small fee.
While he was here he made a tactical error, and also tested the printer. Yeah, it was deader than Kelsey's nuts, and the dude got bogged-down for more than two hours with that mess. Heck, we hadn't even thought about the printer; he made his own bed...
So I was a little hesitant about bringing another Vista machine into the house. How long would it take me to actually get it up and running? And how many times would I have to whip my right hand through my hair? I hoped I wouldn't need Tommy John surgery.
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July 21, 2008
And
an alternative, for balance?
-- Far be it from me to complain, but I've just about had enough. I can't even remember our last normal weekend; chaos and nonsense has been linking my work weeks, and I'm running out of steam. I need some down-time, like Sunshine needs her daily 6 ct. box of Weight Watchers ice cream bars.
I can't take much more!
Sunny got mad at me on Thursday, because she overloaded our wiring again and half our house went dark (once more). Including my computer… And mister, you're pushing your luck when you start monkeying around with The Database. I've got
important documents stored on that machine, and I ain't
half-steppin'.
"Son of a bitch!" I screamed.
"Why does this keep happening?!" Sunshine demanded (once more).
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July 17, 2008
International
Burger King bizarreness
-- I volunteered to take part in a "special project" at work today, and will probably be working six to eight hours. I'm usually off on Thursdays, but the thought of hanging around and listening to Sunshine bitch has turned me into
a real go-getter at my job.
Sunny gave me an enormous polo shirt yesterday. I mean, I know I'm not exactly a tiny sprite of a man, but come on. You could spread that thing out on a beach, put up an umbrella, and a family of four could have a wonderful day. I don't even know where a person could buy a garment so large. Folded, it would completely fill a suitcase.
And then she said, "But I didn't realize you were losing so much weight…"
Wha'? Me, losing weight? Man, I live on beer, Twix bars, and #1 combos.
I snorted, and she said, "It's true. If your ass were any flatter, you'd have to start wearing suspenders."
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July 16, 2008
Don't
let crack ruin your life
--
Sunshine & Mumbles ran the window air conditioner in our family room
for three full days, without a break. Eventually it turned into a solid
block of ice, and said fuck it. Now it won't work, and shoots sparks out
of the control panel whenever someone turns it on.
Thanks! Highly appreciated.
And (get this) they're hinting we should go out and buy a replacement.
Both are constantly sweating and fanning themselves, even if it happens
to be the middle of winter. I just don't understand it. I think their blood streams
are so loaded with Wendy's fat, it's like they're pumping liquefied
comforters through their vein networks.
And now that they've burned up their only source of cool air downstairs,
they're really miserable. Needless to say, we'll buy a new air
conditioner – on the day S&M leave town. And not a moment before.
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July 15, 2008
Click
Here To Track Your Package
-- On Saturday morning we straightened the house a little, did some light dusting and vacuuming (there was no point in getting carried away), and prepared for Sunshine and Mumbles' return.
Sunny told Toney they were spending the night in Ithaca, NY, for reasons unknown. But she later learned from Nancy that S&M actually slept in Binghamton, which is alarmingly close to the Kay Compound… Hell, they could arrive at any time during the day. And there was nothing positive about that bit of news, nothing whatsoever.
But Toney called Sunshine's cell phone, and it sounded like they weren't moving too fast (hooray for sloth!). It's hard to get valuable information out of Sunny, but it appeared we were safe for at least two more hours. Possibly as many as four.
So we went to lunch at Bennigan's. We don't go there very often, because of the high probability of suck. I don't think I've ever encountered a restaurant so inconsistent... One time it's better than it has a right to be, and the next it's like munching goodies from a fast-moving stream of raw sewage.
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July 14, 2008
No
Diet! No Baths! No Exercise!
-- In olden times, when people were forced to read words printed on (are you ready for this?) paper, I was involved in the publishing and collecting of
zines. Which were, basically, homemade magazines… And the first line in many of them was the now-ubiquitous phrase, "I'm sorry this issue is so late."
After a while it became a joke, because of its predictability. All self-publishers, it seemed, were constantly beating themselves up, because they weren't meeting some self-imposed deadline.
And so, I hesitate to start this one in a similar vein, but I must.
I apologize for the lack of updates over the past couple of weeks. We've had visitors (and still do), I've been working on another writing project, I had some low-wattage computer issues, and it's just harder to stay on track with constant activity all around – which has been the situation since school ended.
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July 10, 2008
It's
summer and that means Olestra!
-- Unless Sunshine and Mumbles can't take it anymore at Nancy's house, and decide to return early, we're going to
Knoebels on Friday. We try to go twice every summer, and it's almost the middle of July already. We'd better step to it.
We made the mistake of taking Sunshine there years ago, and it'll never happen again. All she did was bitch and complain, and drag everyone down with high-bitterness. She was tethered to a portable lung-blower all day, fanning herself with a pizza box she'd pulled from a trash can, and gasping for air like a trout on a pier.
"These clowns back-east don't know what a real amusement park looks like," she spat repeatedly, in front of our kids who were trying to have a good time. I wanted to body-check her ass over a railing, and into the
Skloosh flume.
So, if they come back early, Knoebels is postponed… Funk dat.
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July 7, 2008
A
Fence in London in 1979
--
I hope everyone had a great holiday. Ours was doubly special, because we
know it'll be the last weekend without "visitors" for the
foreseeable future. Just a few days from now everyone will return from
Canada, and I'll have to start drinking like Amy Winehouse again…
Woe is me.
We did a lot of family-togetherness during this super-sized 4th of July,
but I also had an extracurricular writing project hanging over my head.
So, I spent an inordinate amount of time at the public library, as well.
I have a hard time writing at home, when the kids are around. I don't
know how they accomplish it, but both have the ability to turn even the
simplest of tasks, like getting a glass of water, into what sounds like
the drum solo on Kiss Alive.
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July 2, 2008
Bad
seats at the 1960 World Series
-- Nancy and the gang stayed at a motel. Since Sunshine & Mumbles were piled-up in the family room, there wasn't enough space for five more people and a flesh-ripping dog. And somehow Toney worked it so Eninen and their brood slept elsewhere...
After they checked-in everybody but Nossy made a beeline for our house. Nostrils was "sick," and needed a nap. He's always sick or exhausted or
melancholy, or something that can apparently be remedied only by sleeping in the daytime. Wotta douche.
It was really hot and humid that day, so the air conditioners were
roarin' 'n' rattlin'. The translucents had been wedged inside a ridiculous car for hours, and were all jacked-up on soy energy. Nancy acted like she'd been doing cocaine (perhaps she –
gasp! – fully caffeinated at a Starbucks?), and it sounded like a hundred people were talking at once.
Every other response seemed to be, "What?" or "Huh?" or "Say again?" and I was already destroying my molars in a fit of
nervous-grindage.
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July 1, 2008
You
gonna light that pipe?
-- On Thursday Toney mentioned she
was going to Sam's Club the next morning, to buy weekend supplies.
Nancy and the gang would be arriving on Friday, and we were planning a
big cookout extravaganza for Saturday.
I told her I wanted to go with her, because I wasn't getting trapped
with ol' Internal Bleeding again; no way, no how…
So she got me up early, and I began the process of eeeeasing into the
day. I had a few cups of Eight O'Clock bean coffee, scanned the doom
and gloom in the newspaper, and heard not even a peep from the family
room, where S&M were bedded-down.
While I was enjoying Cup Three, Toney said I'd better get in the
shower. I'd pressed my luck long enough, she predicted, and if
Sunshine or Mumbles got in there first, we wouldn't be able to leave
until noon. Those two can flat-out dominate a shitter…
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The View From Down Here
