| June
30, 2008
Bill
is a smug little wiener-eater
-- Sunshine & Mumbles arrived at
our house Wednesday evening, after I'd already gone to work. It took
them almost eight days(!) to drive from Reno to Scranton. Toney's
mother called as they were exiting the interstate, about two miles
from our house, and Toney said, "OK, we'll expect you in about an
hour."
Turns out they were obsessed with gas mileage, and set their cruise
control to exactly 58 mph at all times. Wonder how many dual rotating
middle fingers they received as they crossed the continent at the
approximate speed of a mall walker? Hundreds? Maybe thousands? They'd
never know, of course: Sunny's passed-out most of the time, and
Mumbles is oblivious.
Toney cooked dinner, and Sunshine reportedly videotaped the Secrets
playing Guitar Hero for hours on end. I bet that will be engrossing
footage...
Continue
reading here 
June 25, 2008
A
Stern Warning to All Dogs
-- On Saturday we looked at a model
home, in a new subdivision near us. The houses will be in the
half-million dollar range so, obviously, we were just snooping around
for sport.
And I wasn't really blown away. The thing felt kinda cramped; I think
our current house has more square footage. Sure, the kitchen was
pretty kick-ass, with all the stainless steel and granite, and the
master bedroom was so large you could play a game of Wiffle Ball in
there. But the living areas were surprisingly pinched,
especially at the price they were asking.
Plus, it was way out some country road, a couple of miles off another
country road, which would be a bunker-buster of a bitch on snowy days.
And out the back window was what looked like a strip mine, just raw
earth for acres. I asked one of the "representatives" about
it, a man with eyes on the sides of his head like a fish, and he said
it MIGHT someday be a lake.
Continue
reading here
June 24, 2008
Another
potential problem avoided
-- When I was a kid,
maybe fourth grade or so, I went through somebody's yard one summer
morning, and took a short-cut between two houses.
Back in those days, correctly or incorrectly, we believed we were
allowed to do such things unless we were told differently (yelled at).
We pretty much used the entire neighborhood as our own personal
kingdom…
And on this morning I walked between a pair of neat cinderblock
houses, and there was a woman standing way up high in one of the
windows, washing dishes and wearing a bra. That is to say, she was
wearing a bra -- and no shirt.
Gulp.
It was one of those big 1970s steel safety-cage models, with
side-impact system, and straps as wide as seatbelts. The woman was
probably in her thirties, but seemed like an old lady to me. I looked
at her, my eyes bugged-out, her eyes bugged-out, I ran in one
direction, and she ran in the other direction...
Continue
reading here
June 23, 2008
Five
random, unrelated images
--
My brain chemicals are mixing in a most unsatisfactory manner.
I woke up in a foul mood yesterday, and today’s no better.
Something’s gotta change. I
can’t put my finger on what, but something.
Last night at work half of the people didn’t show up; they were all
“sick,” I guess. And it’s
funny, ever since winter ended and the weather became nice, there’s
been a sudden up-tick in Sunday Night Sickness.
Week after week a large portion of the crew is stricken.
The CDC should really look into it…
One guy in my department left a message on the call-off line, and
said, “It’s been a long day.” That’s
the reason he gave us.
And, of course, the folks who actually honor their obligations get to
smile and eat the big shit samlich, while all the “sick” people
sit around in plastic chairs, drink ice-water beer, talk about
waterbeds and weightlifting, and holler at their l’il buzzcut
hicklets.
Continue
reading here
June 19, 2008
George
and his staff know how to please
--
At my job they’re offering us the opportunity to wear shorts
to work, on days we donate a dollar to a charity of some kind (always
with the charities…). This
will run through August and, from what I can tell, it’s a popular
program.
Of course, I’m not interested. But
there’s another way they could get a dollar out of me…
I’d gladly donate that amount each and every day, for the
rest of the summer, to STOP some of my co-workers from wearing shorts
to work.
I mean, seriously. Some folks
just need to keep themselves covered in heavy fabric, for the greater
good. I’m now seeing people
walking down the halls with fantastic columns of white riffle-flesh
all out in the open air, their crotches transformed into hungry
pants-gobbling beasts.
And I can’t have that. When I
go in on Sunday I think I’m going to write out my idea, and put it
in the suggestion box. They
could raise thousands, possibly millions!
Continue
reading here
June 18, 2008
By
John Lennon and Jeff Kay
-- Over the weekend our phone rang
and Toney answered it, even though the caller ID said: UNKNOWN. I
guess a credit card company keeps calling and asking for me,
undoubtedly so they can try to up-sell us something of no value.
She was tired of them calling, and wanted me to deal with it already.
So I heard her say, "Yes, he's right here," and handed me
the phone(!). "Just talk to them," she mouthed silently, and
I couldn't believe the betrayal. The deep, deep betrayal.
I put the receiver to my ear, and said, "Hullo?" And it
sounded like shortwave radio. The line was crackling and whistling,
and I could hear a whole lot of faint voices talking at the same time,
way off in the murk.
What in the finger-snappin' hell?
Continue
reading here
June 17, 2008
Imagine
a response, it's easy if you try
-- I tried another of the novelty
Mountain Dews last night, and felt like I was about to go into full
cardiac arrest. It's that ginseng shit; my system doesn't care for it.
The first time it felt like I was covered in ants, and last night I
was having honest-to-Elvis chest pains.
But I've got to try all three of the new limited edition flavors…
It's my duty as a dedicated Dew follower; I have no real say in the
matter.
The heart-stopping version is called Revolution,
and it's blue like a soda bottle full of Windex. It's supposedly
"infused with Wild Berry Fruit Flavor and Ginseng." And once
again, it was OK, but not great – with curious capitalization
choices.
About twenty minutes after I finished it I started having actual chest
pains, and they lasted for maybe half an hour. I was about to start
ripping through peoples' desk drawers, to try to get my hands on some
Bayer aspirin, or a glycerin tablet.
Continue
reading here
June 16, 2008
She'll
do absolutely anything, Ann
--
The weekend was unsatisfactory. I
had plans for each day, and most of them went straight down the ol'
crap-catcher.
Friday
was set aside for the final sprint of an extracurricular writing
project, and I got very little done. It
was the last day of school here in the Upper Perogie Belt, and the
Secrets got home around 12:30
in the afternoon.
The older boy had a friend with him, some kid I'd never seen before,
who reminded me of a guy I hated all through my childhood.
Therefore, I didn't like this kid either…
I didn't trust him because he was an asshole in 1974 West
Virginia
, even though he's only twelve
and lives in Pennsylvania
.
If you know what I mean,
And the phone was ringing so much I was afraid it wouldn't be able to
handle the load and might burst into flames.
Continue
reading here
June 12, 2008
Also
try our Rocket 'n' 2 Big Round Things sours
--
When I was leaving for work on Tuesday there was a man from
Comcast standing on our driveway, holding the end of a rope.
I couldn’t see him, but a second man was apparently way up in
our neighbors’ tree, holding the other end.
It wasn’t really any of my business, but I said, “So what’re you
guys doing?” I thought they
might be trimming the branches back from the cable.
But it turns out they were repairing “squirrel damage.”
The guy told me squirrels like to strip aluminum off the
outside of wires, and it’s almost a full-time job cleaning up after
“the little bastards.”
Weird, I thought. Aluminum?
On
the outside of wires?
Did the squirrels like to eat it, or are they just bushy-tailed
delinquents? All these
questions flashed instantly through my mind, but I decided to take it
in a different direction.
Continue reading here
June 11, 2008
Colorful,
vintage and special!
--
We've been having issues with Toney's new computer.
One of you predicted it, probably Citizen
X, but that Vista
operating system isn't a team
player. I couldn't get it to
connect to the wireless network, and the printer was nothing but a
prop.
Toney
monkeyed around with it for far too long, as did I, and we finally
couldn't take it anymore. I
called an IT guy at my old job, and he suggested a few things.
I tried each, and it was as if I'd done nothing.
So he said he'd come take a look.
And yesterday evening I had the surreal experience of being at work
and talking to an ex-coworker – calling
from inside my house.
How weird is that?
He got it all straightened out, but it took almost three hours.
The wireless connection was fixed relatively quickly, but the
printer gave him all manner of trouble.
And if it was a problem for HIM, I would've never been able to
fix it.
Continue
reading here
June 10, 2008
Use
our multi-channel CB Simulator!
-- The youngest Secret participated
in a spelling bee at the library on Saturday.
Toney signed him up for it, and when she told me about it I had my
doubts. I mean, how many kids would take part in such an event, at the
tail-end of the school year, on a Saturday? I thought he might be
declared the winner by default, because he was the only person who
showed up.
But I was so very wrong. The place was PACKED. They held it in an
activity room, and there was an overflow crowd. All the seats were
taken, others were standing shoulder to shoulder against three walls,
and still more were out in the hallway listening through an open door.
At a spelling bee?! It was bizarre.
Continue
reading here
June 9, 2008
An
old familiar story, told in four parts
--
We never made it to the Bronx Zoo. When the oldest Secret came
home from school on Wednesday, he said he was tired and proceeded to
fall almost instantly to sleep on the couch.
He's usually swinging for the fences, so I knew something was askew.
I went to work, and Toney told me he was running a mild temperature
and acting kind of lethargic all evening.
Not good.
And
when I got home at 3:15 am
, he came downstairs with a face
the color of Mountain Dew Code Red. Holy
crap! Toney had given him
Motrin, but it was clearly time for another dose.
The thermometer said 103 degrees, and he looked like something
off Yellow Submarine.
He stayed home on Thursday, and didn't get any better.
So we told the school he wouldn't be able to go to the zoo on
Friday, and since he wasn't going I sure as shit wasn't either.
Yeah, and it cost us fifty-four non-refundable dollars…
Continue reading here
June 5, 2008
A
Most Unfortunate Turn of Events
--
Most mornings, when I hoist myself off the platform, my right ear is
completely sealed-off. In the past when this would happen, I'd mess
around with it and try to restore normalcy. But, I've learned, that
only prolongs the problem.
So over the past few months I've just ignored my dead ear, and within
thirty minutes it comes back to life. And man, when it pops it's a
glorious moment. You instantly go from being slightly disoriented and
off, to feeling pretty damn great.
Yesterday morning, however, it lasted for several hours and I was
starting to get concerned. Where's the pop? I need the pop! Then I was
out in the front yard yelling at Andy (he always wants to serve up a
pipin' hot yard cruller on our neighbors' lawn), and there was a
powerful explosion in my head. And all was right with the world.
I'm freakin' falling apart… Every day it's a new adventure.
Continue
reading here
June 3, 2008
New
Phrases at the Top, Day Two
--
Every few years something weird happens to me, where I see
flashing lights in my peripheral vision for a while, then it stops and
I feel really tired. I can
remember it happening when I had a paper route, so it’s been going
on for decades. Very
infrequently, however…
But it happened today, and it’s a little scary.
I laid down on the couch, and wondered if that’s where
they’d find the carcass. Because
that’s the way my mind works, even when it’s flickering and
flashing and whatnot.
I went to see a doctor about it years ago, and he didn’t have
anything to tell me. He had a
few guesses (something to do with blood pressure, I think), but
didn’t believe it was serious enough to send me for tests.
And since it only occurs every three or four years, I don’t give it
much thought, either. Until,
you know, it happens again. Then
I start thinking about Bob Marley, and his Bob Marley-sized brain
tumor, and that sort of thing.
Continue
reading here
June 2, 2008
New
phrases at the top o' the list!
-- While we were having dinner on
Friday, Toney reminded me about the neighborhood block party scheduled
for Saturday night, and how we were all RSVP'd-up. We'd been assigned
to bring pasta salad, potato chips, and napkins, so we were locked-in.
Instinctively, I groaned. I'm not really a party kind of guy. I don't
much enjoy, and am not especially skilled at, making small-talk with
strangers. It's necessary to pour extra kerosene into the
Demumblifier(tm), when I'm hanging around such functions.
But, we'd gone the past two years, and had a blast exactly fifty
percent of the time. The first go-round turned out to be surprisingly
fun. The Secrets played "Manhunt" within a gang of roving Lord
of the Flies children all evening, while Toney and I drank beer
with the other adults, beside a bonfire.
Continue reading here
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The View From Down Here
