| May
29, 2008
Little
Jack is dropping in for a visit
Ebony
and ivory, live together on the back of Andy… Side by side in my
animal’s ass hair, oh Lord, why don’t weee…
Oh,
shit… I didn’t realize we
were already on the air? How
embarrassing. I hope
everyone’s having a wonderful Thursday.
It’s a beautiful, sunny day here in the Upper Perogie Belt,
and I get to go to work in a little while!
Yes, I couldn’t be more excited.
Last week they asked for volunteers to work on Thursday night.
Usually it’s a day off for us, but the holiday on Monday
threw everything into disarray. So,
needless to say, I looked at my shoes and kept quiet until the moment
passed.
But I was later informed I’m subject to mandatory
volunteerism,
and I’ll be working
four
to midnight
.
Put the beer nuts back in the cupboard…
Continue reading here 
May 28, 2008
Tastes better than you
wish it did
--
The veterinarian couldn't tell us what's wrong with Andy's
constantly-bleeding foot. He
thinks it's a sore between the pads, that keeps getting aggravated and
ripped apart. But, he said, it
could also be a couple of other things.
Hell, even I could come up with a diagnosis like that.
And I dropped out of the West Virginia State College school of
business, on account of half-assery.
But he gave us some antibiotics, charged us $100, and told us
Blacklips needs to wear a special "booty" whenever he goes
outside, which can be purchased at Petco or PetSmart (or is it
PetsMart?). And that ridiculous
thing cost $25.
So Andy's going to be walking around wearing one glove like Michael
Jackson for the next few weeks. Hey,
he's mostly black, but also white, so maybe it's not so inappropriate?
I simply don't know.
Continue reading here
May 27, 2008
Review:
McDonald's McSkillet Burrito
--
Aren’t you supposed to come out of holiday weekends feeling
rested and refreshed? Yeah,
that’s what I thought, as well…
I hope everyone had a good one. Ours
was kinda jacked-up, but it ended on a high note, at least.
Last night we cooked steaks on the grill, had a few
Boddington’s, and finally got to relax for a little while.
And a small slice of satisfaction is better than none at all, right?
-- On Saturday I looked out the
window at our back yard, and groaned. The
grass needed tending-to, and the thought of shoving a vibrating box
back and forth across that bitch, at a 45-degree angle, made me sick.
I grumbled to Toney about it, and joked that I was going to
hire someone to cut it for me.
And to my surprise, she said, “Why don’t you?”
Continue
reading here
May 22, 2008
Fencing
tournament at the nursing home!
-- A few days ago I heard Toney
talking with the older Secret about the teachers he's had so far. They
were critiquing them, saying this was a good one, that was a bad one,
etc., etc.
I was impressed. I probably couldn't have come up with any of his
teachers' names, except the one from kindergarten. And the only reason
I remember her is because she's a full-blown nutcase, and used the
term "reamed out" during one of our parent/teacher
conferences.
But Toney's incredibly involved, and has total recall of every
miniscule event in our kids' lives. And that's all good; our boys have
been blessed with an excellent mother.
While considering this, I eventually began thinking of my own
teachers. And I realized that a full fifty percent of the ones from
grade school were drunks. I'd never really broken it down like that
before, and it's pretty shocking, really.
Continue
reading here
May 20, 2008
The
root of many of our problems
--
I work with a guy who says his father-in-law believes President
Bush controls the weather. And
he's dead serious about it. In
fact, he reportedly makes personal plans based on what the Prez is
doing.
A couple of weekends ago he went on some elaborate camping trip,
because Bush's daughter was getting married and he knew the weather
would be perfect. And it was!
About
a month ago he and my co-worker were supposed to put a new roof on a
garage. But the father-in-law
canceled, because the President was going to be in the
Middle East
all weekend and he knew it would
rain. And it rained!
Supposedly
the guy's analysis of Bush's schedule, and how it will "affect
the weather," is uncanny. He's
almost never wrong, I'm told. And
he's starting to make the people around him wonder if there might be
something to his crackpot theories.
Continue reading here
May 19, 2008
A
man gnawing on a length of timber
--
While we were driving to Cooperstown
on Friday, Steve told me about
something I find bizarre. He
lives south of us, down in the middle of the state, and it's
apparently a custom there for kids attending the prom to participate
in an event called a "prom walk."
Have you heard of this?
I
guess the locals line a street near the prom location, many sitting in
lawn chairs with coolers by their sides, and the attendees walk slowly
through this gauntlet of the catastrophically bored.
There's reportedly much discussion about the girls' dresses,
the best and worst-dressed couples, etc., etc.
It sounds like the Academy Awards, without all the celebrities,
charisma, excitement, and style.
And
it's not just parents and grandparents who go to these things, it's a
huge, much-anticipated social event for the entire town.
"Are you going to the prom walk this year?" is
something people apparently say to each other, in all seriousness.
Man,
I'd refuse to walk that line. I'd
either stay home, or sneak in the back door, if I knew I'd be required
to participate in a formally organized parade of douchery.
It's bad enough to get all trussed up in a rented suit, and
sweat straight into horrifying communal sweat-catching fabric.
I don't think I could handle being part of a "show"
as well.
Continue reading here
May 15, 2008
Handy
scorecard for rating wives
--
Last night at work I sat with some kid during our “lunch”
break (
9
pm
),
and found out some interesting things about him.
He’s twenty, and will be working in my department until his
college classes crank back up in late August.
And apparently he was once a notorious computer hacker.
He told me he got into it in eighth grade, and eventually earned a
name for himself in the shady hacker underground.
He says there’s a tight-knit group of these people, who
communicate via chat rooms not visible to anyone but the participants
themselves.
And, he added, some of them are “scary and crazy,” with giant
chips on their shoulders and various axes to grind.
Accidentally offend one of them, he said, and your life can
become a hell on earth. No
matter how smart you happen to be, there are people there who are
smarter, he told me. And they
can inflict significant pain.
Continue reading here
May 14, 2008
42.9
cents per gallon in 1971
--
I work with a woman who apparently believes everybody knows who
she knows. Are you familiar
with this office type? She
tells a lot of stories featuring "Keith" and
"Nicole" and "Jimmy," and I have no idea who these
people are. Her kids?
Her husband? You got me.
A few days ago she mentioned Keith, and I said, "Now who is he
again?" And she said,
"My
Keith."
What does this mean??
-- On Friday evening I was
enlisted to make a salad to go with dinner, and I used it as an
opportunity to drink beer. Yes,
you read that correctly… I
hollered upstairs to Toney, "Hey, if I'm gonna be chopping, I'm
having a Sam Adams. Want
one?"
See how I do that? Any
deviation from the norm is an excuse for beer.
And, now that I think about it, so is the norm itself.
So I went down to the basement fridge, and brought us up two
bottles of Summer Ale. And I
commenced to making one of my world famous garden salads.
Continue reading here
May 13, 2008
The
only kind of seafood I'll eat
--
I was sitting in Wendy's a few days ago, enjoying a #1 with
cheese, no pickles, and a Coke, when a gang of rambunctious Brazilians
came in.
I assume it was a large family traveling together, but what do I know
about it, really? There were
five or six adults, a couple in their forties, the rest younger.
With them was a half-dozen or so kids, all under the age of
six. And the kids were running
wild without even a
hint of parental supervision.
But whatever. Children
rampaging through a place of business isn't exactly a novelty
anymore... I continued working
on my lunch and flipping through the copy of Rolling
Stone I'd brought along, so as
not to look like a serial killer (ironically enough).
And the next thing I know there's a little girl sitting across from me
in the boof – eating my fries.
Continue
reading here
May 12, 2008
Franchise
opportunities available!
--
Last week I received an email from Netflix saying they'd sent
me a copy of I Am
Legend, and the next day
something called P.S.
I Love You arrived.
What the hell's P.S.
I Love You?
I didn't know, and still don't.
I'm a very busy man; I don't have time for jibber-jabber.
I went to the website and I
Am Legend was still at the top
of my queue. But they were
asking me to review it, since
they'd just received the movie back from me(?!).
What in the pop 'n' lock crap?
I was totally confused. They
mailed it to me, but I received something else, and it's set to ship
next, even though they already sent one, and I returned it, which I
didn't. The whole thing made my
brain hurt.
I
clicked over to the customer service section of the site, expecting to
be asked to compose an email explaining my problem, which would be
promptly answered in 3 to 4 weeks. But
I was given an actual telephone number, under which was written,
"Current wait time: less than 1 minute."
Continue
reading here
May 8, 2008
Not
Just Another Bus Station Bench
--
I was flipping through my England
notes earlier today (I'm dying to
go back already…), and noticed a few stray stories I didn't tell in
the big honkin' London
extravaganza.
So, I'm going to tell them to you now.
Hopefully enough time has passed that you're not all groaning in
unison right now… I worry
about England
fatigue, and turning into a
travel-bore. Nobody likes a
travel-bore.
Anyway,
when we were touring the Churchill Cabinet Rooms, the youngest Secret
had to find a pee-catcher. I
asked a guy at the ticket counter where the "washroom" was
located, and he halfheartedly pointed in a general direction.
We
found it, and there were international symbols on the door apparently
indicating it could be used only by water-headed men, titless women in
hoop skirts, and/or sexless beings strapped to wheelchairs and staring
straight ahead.
Continue reading here
May 6, 2008
See
the details of Dwight's Chart
--
On Saturday we came home and there was a sheet of paper taped
to our front door. It was from
one of those outfits that douse your lawn in a cocktail of chemicals,
to keep it forest-green and free of weeds, for an irresponsible amount
of money every month.
Supposedly they’d taken the liberty of performing a “jr.
analysis” of our lawn, and told us we have a problem with
dandelions. Jr. analysis?
That seemed like odd phrasing. But then I realized they must do
the same thing for a fee, and have to differentiate between the two
somehow. You know, so the
suckers won’t feel bad.
Anyway, I looked at our lawn and didn’t see a single dandelion.
What were they talking about? Is
this thing pre-printed for every house in the neighborhood?
I didn’t know, and didn’t really care.
I wadded up the sheet and threw it in the trash.
Continue reading here
May 5, 2008
Sweetening
the deal with crab meat
--
Last week I was perusing the massive Surf Report music library,
in search of something I hadn’t played in a while.
I finally settled on Wilco’s second album, Being
There.
And it sounded amazing.
The thing was in heavy rotation when it was originally released, and
is one of my favorite Wilco albums, but I probably hadn’t heard it
in a year. I’ve been
preoccupied with their latest release, which is also great.
I was caught off-guard by the impact of hearing Being
There last week.
I mean, it’s not as if it’s unfamiliar to me.
But I couldn’t stop listening to it, and talking about it to
the family. Who, you know,
couldn’t give even half
a shit.
This
event touched off a full-on frenzy. On
Saturday I removed all music from my iPod, and replaced it with the
entire Wilco catalog, including the live album and a bunch of
bootlegged demos. Heck, I even
included the freaky radio broadcast that inspired the title of Yankee
Hotel Foxtrot.
Continue
reading here
May 2, 2008
Color-coded
rubberized wine handles
--
Today I had lunch at Wendy’s where I polished off a #1 with
cheese, no pickles, and a Coke. And
while I was standing at the condiment bar, collecting all necessary
lunching equipment, this conversation took place between me and a
woman cleaning tables in the dining room:
Wendy’s employee:
Well, hello Joe!
Me:
Hey there, how ya doing?
Wendy’s employee:
Oh, can’t complain, can’t complain.
How are those girls?
Me:
Doing well. They’re
growing up fast.
Wendy’s employee:
Ha! You don’t need to
tell me about it. My two are
already up and out of the house.
Me:
Amazing, isn’t it?
Wendy’s employee:
It sure is. …Well, I
don’t want to hold up your lunch. Tell
Linda I said hi.
Me:
I’ll certainly do it. Take
care.
Never saw her before in my life.
Continue
reading here
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The View From Down Here
