October 31, 2007
Rocking
it urban incognito
--
Toney isn’t working today, and she’s given me a deadline
for completion of this update. We
have some things to do this afternoon, and it’s all gonna start at
Red Robin. Oh yeah.
The Secrets don’t like that place for some reason, so we can
only go when they’re in school. Like
today.
So… if this one’s a little more disjointed and crappy than usual,
it’s only because Hamburger Zero Hour is approaching, and I’m
preparing to unlatch my jaw.
Pass the grease dauber.
-- Today’s Halloween, in case
you didn’t know, and once again I’m going as a cynical, snarky
suburbanite with a mixed drink in his hand.
It’s my favorite disguise!
Of course, I’m still on high-alert for an animal skeleton costume,
with no luck so far. Oh,
there’s plenty of human
skeletal remains costumes available for purchase, but not a single
donkey skeleton, or cow skeleton, or anything of the sort.
Wotta rip-off. I just
want to dress up as a fully-decomposed head of livestock, or
something. Is that so unusual?
Continue
reading here 
October 30, 2007
Number
of inhabitants per doctor
--
I’m sure most of you are aware of this by now, but Blitz
Krieg didn’t make it through his ordeal; he reportedly passed away
on Sunday evening. I only knew
him through our websites, via email, etc., but it’s clear he was a
smart, funny, and decent guy. This
news makes me almost literally sick. I
offer sincere condolences to his family and friends, and don’t
really know what else to say… Here,
again, is the link to his journal.
-- On Sunday I did as I was
told, and called a telephone number printed on a piece of paper that
arrived in our mailbox, to find out if I was required to report for
jury duty the following morning. Toney
had been through this several times, and when she called the mystery
number a recording always told her she didn’t need to show up.
So, that’s what I was expecting. But
it’s not what I got. No, my
recording was a bitch. She
ordered me there, in slightly threatening tones, and insinuated I’d better be on time.
I had flashbacks of the One O’clock Ballbuster.
I didn’t care for the pre-recorded attitude, and was irritated by
the disruption this would surely bring to my life of half-assery.
I mean, I’d probably have to wriggle into fancy-pants, and
everything… What a pain in
the exit ramp.
Continue
reading here
October 29, 2007
Always
straight, never curved
--
Believe it or not, I’ve been ordered to downtown Scranton
this morning, to dole out a
little Surf Report justice. I
don’t have the summons right in front of me, but I believe that’s
literally what it says, Surf Report justice.
Remember how I was excited about the prospect of serving on a jury,
and all that happy crapola? Well,
now that I’m one step closer, excited
isn’t the word I’d use. Irritated
might be closer to the truth. And
grrrrr would probably fit in there somewhere, as well. Is grrrrr
a word?
In any case, I’m going to do my duty, show up with a Dean Koontz
novel, and sit in the corner waiting for something to happen.
As required by law. Hopefully
all will be back to normal by tomorrow.
Luckily for me and for you,
I’ve got TWO new columns today from guys we haven’t heard from in
a while. I think you’re going
to enjoy them.
But before we get to that, I have a bit of bad
news. One of our own, Surf
Reporter Blitz Krieg, is in the hospital and not doing very well.
Brenda made
me aware of the situation last night, and here’s part of her note:
Just a heads up here. One of
your regular posters, "Blitz Krieg", is critically ill.
It’s the freakiest thing, he had a small eye injury, no big deal.
But then he caught that staph infection that everyone is talking
about. The infection has raged out of control and they had to remove
his eye. Now things don't sound very good at all.
This is a link to
Blitz’s journal (he’s now going by the name Dr. Syn), and you can
read the posts describing this terrifying turn of events, starting on
October 9. His wife is now
updating the site. Please feel
free to leave words of encouragement for her, Blitz, and their
daughter and son. Maybe together we can will a positive
outcome, and better days.
Now I’m going to turn TheWVSR over to the able hands of lakrfool,
and our old friend Chris, AKA The Angry White
Guy.
And I’ll be back as soon as possible.
October 26. 2007
Chapter
sixteen: yard eclairs
--
I have to call in on Sunday, to see if I’m required to report
for jury duty the following morning. It’s
exciting! The only time I’ve
ever been summoned, was for Los Angeles
County
–
after we’d already moved to Scranton
.
So this could be a new experience for me.
But I have a feeling they’re going to tell me to forget about it.
Toney’s been through this several times, and when she calls
the number they almost always pull the plug on the deal.
I’m going to be disappointed if that happens, I really am.
I want to go through an entire trial.
Not a lengthy one, mind you. But
I’d like to live through the process from start to finish.
Is that nuts?
Of course, even if they call me in, I’ll never survive jury
selection. God knows I
wouldn’t want somebody like me
sitting in judgment of me.
Ya know? Hell, I might
try to send someone to the gas chamber because they blink too much, or
wear a pinkie ring, or some such infraction.
I mean, I can only take so much.
Continue
reading here
October 25, 2007
Chapter
thirteen: fecal fondue
--
I made my very first iTunes purchase earlier in the week, and
I’m excited about it. Yes, I
know it’s 2007. What of it?
There’s an article in the new Rolling
Stone, you see, about how music labels are beginning to make
out-of-print albums available as digital downloads.
It’s a cash cow for them, because there’s almost no
monetary investment. They own
the rights to the music already, and don’t have to do any
manufacturing, or warehousing, or handling of product. It’s just
pure profit, and plenty of people enjoy pure profit.
I liked the idea for a different reason, and logged onto the iTunes
store prepared to go on an Easter egg hunt.
I carry around a mental Rolodex of rare CDs I’m always
looking for (doesn’t everyone?), and gave that search box a workout.
Yeah, but I didn’t find much. Maybe
it’s still too early in the game? I
don’t know, but I had to go pretty deep into my list before I came
across an actual out-of-print CD that
I wanted, available at iTunes. It
was 2x4 by Guadalcanal
Diary, and was priced at $14.99. And
I didn’t want it that much.
Continue
reading here
October 24, 2007
Another
deer hunter with a DUI
--
Toney and I wandered into a store on Saturday, a joint I’d
never previously set foot in. It’s
one of those places some folks insist on describing as “funky.”
Which goes a long way to explaining why I’d never been there
before...
Up front was a newsstand filled with Communist periodicals, and
pretentiously elevated café tables surrounded by assholes wearing
half-glasses way out on the ends of their noses, sipping cups of tea
without ever utilizing the little handle loops.
I made a cursory glance into that section of the store, and found
myself doing a classic double-take. Because,
in addition to the tweed pseudo-intellectuals sitting way up high,
there were two women laid-out flat on chaise lounges.
Both were covered by down comforters, pulled all the way up to their
chins. And seated at the bottom
of each, was another woman – rubbing oils into and kneading the feet
of the chicks beneath the blankets.
WTF? What kind of coffee shop
is this?! That sort of thing
almost never happens at Denny’s.
Continue
reading here
October 23, 2007
Oh,
and he's going to judge us?
--
Yesterday turned out to be a real cluster-copulation, and I
apologize for the lack of an update; I was, as they say, otherwise
occupied. But I’m back in
the Husky-Man saddle today, so let’s get right to it.
Shall we?
-- For the second time in
two weeks I laughed so hard during the opening minutes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Sunday night, I had tears streaming down my face.
I think it might very well be the funniest show on television.
Last week’s episode featured a bowling ball-shaped woman who lived
with her family in a house that recently played host to a flood, a
fire, and “looting.” (These
were reportedly unrelated incidents.) Yes,
it was a complete shithole, with dirty clothes all over the place, in
great piles that nearly reached the framed paintings of jungle cats
hanging on the walls.
When that hollerin’ bullhorn man showed up on their front lawn, and
started hollerin’ into a bullhorn, the woman’s kids came blasting
forth. One skinny teenaged girl
exploded through the screen door, and went airborne off the porch.
Her pipe cleaner legs were turning circles in the air, like she
was racing an invisible bicycle.
Continue
reading here
October 19, 2007
Our
third ever caption contest!
--
When I was fifteen or so, my Dad bought me an electric razor.
This, of course, embarrassed me, because it was an
acknowledgment of things I didn’t want to talk about.
Especially with my parents. You
know, like hair growing in new places...
As mentioned before, I believe I came very close to dying of puberty, and was horrified enough with the daily
developments, the almost wholesale betrayal of my body.
I didn’t need people walking up and handing me electric
“grooming” devices. I
really didn’t.
I’m sure I cycled through the full spectrum of red-based colors that
day, mumbled a weak thanks down the neck of my heat transfer
Styx
shirt,
and got the hell out of there.
Continue
reading here
October 17, 2007
Yaaaaaaaay...
team!
--
Speaking of lunch… why do kids always want to go to
McDonald’s?
Sometimes I’m put in charge of providing an evening meal for the
Secrets, and always think: Hmmm,
I guess I could make a nice salad, grill some chicken breasts, and
maybe cook up a little rice and a vegetable as a side…
Then I come to my senses and say, “Pick a restaurant, somewhere
cheap.”
And whenever I add somewhere
cheap, which is code for fast food, they always want to go to
McDonald’s. Every single
time. What’s that place’s
hold over children? What’s
the attraction? My kids are too
old for Happy Meals, and that kind of bullshit, they just seem to
genuinely like the food. And I
don’t understand it.
Oh, I have no major problem with McDonald’s.
I mean, it beats the crap out of Burger
King. Burger Kings are
always brown and dingy, and populated by people (on both sides of the
counter) who have very likely appeared
on the Smoking Gun. At least
you don’t usually fear a
liver-stabbing at a McDonald’s, and their fries are good.
Continue
reading here
October 16, 2007
What
the hell is a Hermes?
--
The other day I was thinking about the pre-microwave era, and
what we used to eat for lunch back then.
A lot of sandwiches, I guess. But
what about when we wanted something hot?
As mentioned before, I’ve never lived in a house with a toaster
oven. So I was basically
confined to the stovetop, or the full-blown oven.
And mister, that’s almost like real cooking…
I remember lots of terrible frozen pizzas.
Back when I was a youngling there was no DiGiorno, or anything
fancy like that. No, these
things were about three for a dollar, and tasted like corrugated
fiberboard. It was literally
just something to drop down your neck, and keep your stomach busy for a
while.
And there was some sort of “meat product” called Steak-Ums, which
was frozen “beef” in the style of
Philadelphia
cheesesteak.
Steak-Ums always looked good on TV commercials, and in my
imagination, but was disappointing in real life.
I experimented with the stuff for a while, and it just never
lived up to its potential. It
was like eating cheese-smothered shoe-tongues.
Continue
reading here
October 15, 2007
OK,
ready? ...Holy crap!
--
I played nine holes of golf on Saturday.
No, seriously; I’m not joking.
The younger Secret is interested in it for some reason, so we bought
him a cheap set of clubs a couple of months back, and Toney signed him
up for kiddie klasses at a local course.
I also bought a driver at a flea market (which turned out to be
a lady’s driver – I think it’s a Sandra Bullock model), and
we’ve been to the driving range a few times.
But, as these things usually go, he needs more,
more, more. He’s been
working on Toney, telling her he wants to play real golf on a real
course with his Dad. And at
that point there was nothing left to do...
So on Saturday morning I called a place not too far from here, and
asked them how busy they were. The
woman said the season is basically over, and there were only three
people currently on the course.
Sounded good to me! My biggest
concern, you see, was getting out there and having a group of
fancy-ass tucked- shirt assholes breathing down our necks the whole
time, with their $10,000 sets of clubs and constantly beeping PDAs.
“The season is basically over” was music to my ears.
Continue
reading here
October 12, 2007
A
slight miscalculation
--
I knew a guy in Atlanta
who
was really into bowling. Oh, he
wasn’t just an enthusiastic member of a team, who looked forward to
Tuesday league night, and that sort of thing.
No, I mean he was really into it.
In fact, you know those racks they have in bowling alleys, to hold the
balls? The ones that generally
line the wood paneled walls? Well,
he had one in his van. The
thing was always loaded up, and was customized so the balls couldn’t
escape while he drove.
At any given moment, he might be riding around the Atlanta
metro
area with 25 professional-grade bowling balls in his vehicle.
And those were just the ones in current rotation...
He had lots more at home.
I mean, this guy loved bowling like the Chinese love lead.
Continue
reading here
October 10, 2007
I'm
not comfortable being 15th
--
Yesterday evening a semi-hellacious thunderstorm rolled through here,
and once all the flashing and banging was over, it felt like the
temperature had fallen a full twenty degrees.
Man, I love that… It’s
been way too hot for far too long; a person can’t even dream of
Bourbon Season in that kind of weather.
But according to this,
the high on Friday is only going to be 56.
And that’s more like it; that’ll feel almost like seal-crackin’
time.
-- I mentioned yesterday that I
was craving a club sandwich. I
can’t explain it, I can only report the facts…
So after I finished with the update, and did a few low-grade
household chores, I went to a nearby diner and took a seat at the
counter.
In the past I’d had what I remembered as an especially good club
sandwich at this place, and was looking forward to fully submitting to
another one. I told the
almost-unfriendly waitress what I wanted, and relaxed while the cook stacked
it up.
Continue
reading here
October 9, 2007
Four-year
degree preferred
--
During my entire Dunbar Elementary/Jr. High School/High School
career I never owned a backpack. In
fact, I don’t think anybody did. I’m
sure I’d remember mocking them if such a person had existed…
So how’d we make it through?
‘Cause backpacks are oh-so-important to kids nowadays.
Both Secrets have had several since they started kindergarten,
and as far as I know they’ve all been
Land’s
End
,
or LL Bean, or one of those fancy-ass deals.
Always, I think, with their initials sewn into them.
I mean, seriously…
In case you couldn’t guess, Toney takes care of all that.
I just bitch about the price. And
I also question why it seems like we’re always buying the things,
especially since the ones she chooses are supposed to be of the
highest quality, etc. Why so
many backpacks?! We’ve got
backpacks coming out our buttcracks.
Continue
reading here
October 8, 2007
Temporary
& intermittent highwaters
--
Do teenagers still attend
midnight
movies?
It’s a question I cannot answer.
I’m out of the loop, since I have no teenagers and never
listen to the radio anymore. But
I suspect it’s a thing of the past, a 1980s throwback, like the Pink
Floyd laser spectacular and Freshen-Up gum.
Am I wrong?
The most famous of all
midnight
movies,
of course, is the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I
saw that steaming pile at least twice, once in the middle of full-on
theater anarchy, then again after they’d clamped-down on all the
fun. And believe me, it’s
only bearable if you can throw shit.
We watched it in one of the old free-standing, now long-gone, theaters
in Charleston
.
The Kearse, or the Capitol, or the Plaza; one of those three.
And the first time we went vendors were actually selling
throwables in the lobby. You
could buy bags of rice, and stacks of toast, and other stuff I can’t
now remember.
Being newbies we walked right past these people, and entered the
theater itself. And it was an
incredible sight to behold. The
movie hadn’t even started yet, and people were standing on chairs,
and hurling stuff at each other. I
thought I saw an armrest sail across the room, in a high, lazy arc.
Continue
reading here
October 5, 2007
S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y.
Night!
--
I’m enjoying the new Bruce
Springsteen
CD. It’s full of great songs,
has the classic feel, and is just about everything a fan could hope
for.
The challenge, however, is to stay away from interviews with Bruce,
and any press coverage beyond reviews of the album itself.
Because it’s all politics now, and doom and gloom, and
conspiracy theories, and kookism… And
I can’t have that.
He’s like some guy in a McDonald’s at this point, full of rage and
willing to tell anyone about it. And
if nobody will listen, well, he’ll just speak truth to ketchup
packets.
So I’m trying to appreciate the stuff that made me a Springsteen fan
in the first place, and ignore everything else.
Sure, it’s hard work. But
it’s worth it, I think. At
least in this case.
What’ll be harder to take is when President Hillary is sworn-in, and
continues many of the same things Bush has been doing.
Then suddenly it’ll all be justified in the minds of
great political scientists like Bruce Springsteen.
Somehow it will become a necessary evil, and evidence of a
strong leader making difficult choices during trying times.
But I guess we’ll cross that E Street Bridge when we get to it...
Continue
reading here
October 4, 2007
An
urgent message from Batman
--
How come nobody worries about the sun going out?
I don’t believe that idea gets its due, I really don’t.
It seems like everybody in the world is worrying about something.
Except, of course, the people who have a reason to worry… those
folks seem to be just as happy as shit.
No, it’s the affluent and secure who invent things to wring their
hands about. You know, like
Americans and Canadians and Europeans.
When times are good we get extra-creative and come up with
stuff like Restless Leg Syndrome, and begin slathering our children in
a thick coat of mayonnaise before allowing them to go outside for a
vigorous fifteen minute session of adult-supervised non-competitive
roll dodgeball.
And we’re always hearing (usually at Fark) about strange little
beady-eyed freaks with hilarious irrational fears, men who are
terrified to leave their houses because they’re convinced they’ll
be attacked by a gang of lesbian dwarves, and that sort of thing.
But nobody ever talks about the sun going out, I never even hear it
mentioned. And I believe it’s
high time we change all that.
Because it could happen, you know.
Continue
reading here
October 3, 2007
Iran
air attack underway!!
--
Sorry this one’s even later than normal, but I was having
“opportunities” with my computer this morning.
The mysterious error message I received when I turned the
bastard on was the first opportunity, and when it began moving slower
than a fat woman in the sandwich spread aisle of Wal-Mart, that was
the second one. Grrrr…
I ran a Spybot scan, and it found several scary things, then struggled
to “fix” them. I was
instructed to reboot on multiple occasions, and it’s still not quite
right. I think I might’ve
picked up the malicious Tayback virus.
So I’m typing this at the library, while a big honkin’ AVG
full-system scan is underway on my home machine.
Just so you know… there’s a baby making continuous uhhhh-uh noises to my left, a college-age hair gel hipster sitting
behind me swigging bottled water and breathing straight through his
nostrils, and somebody stapling at the front desk like they’re
entered in a winner-takes-all stapling contest.
Continue
reading here
October 1, 2007
Worst
Chuck E. Cheese ever
--
What did you do this weekend? Anything
fun?
We went to two soccer games on Saturday, during one of which the
youngest Secret kicked a powerful goal, I let out some kind of
involuntary wild-Indian yell, and received dirty looks from the
parents of the goalie.
Following the older Secret’s game everyone was invited to “follow
the trail through the woods” (WTF??) and have lunch at the house of
one his teammates. Man, I
can’t tell you how much I wanted to skip that particular social
obligation, but Toney insisted we go. It
will look bad if we don’t, she said.
So we walked through the woods, and immediately I thought I could feel
a tick preparing to get down to some crack-snackin’.
Apparently it was just my imagination though, because I did a
quick sweep and it was all-clear.
When we came out of the trees we were in these peoples’ back yard,
and they had quite a spread waiting for us.
Various chips and dips, and hotdogs, and a big cooler full of
sodas… They’d invested some
money in that deal, and I wondered what drives a person to do such a
thing. It would never cross my
mind, in 10,000 years.
Continue
reading here
 |
The View From Down Here
