I know a guy with a friend who works at McDonald’s, and the friend reportedly keeps the guy stocked with a supply of black market Big Mac sauce. It’s delivered, I’m told, in oblong plastic bags with a nipple on one end.
When he told me this, I busted out laughing. What would a person do with such contraband? I imagined him tooling down the interstate, cranking the Steve Miller Band (he fits the profile), with one of those curious things jiggling on the console of his car. And occasionally, maybe every couple of miles or so, he’d hoist it to his mouth and take another blast off his “teat o’ sauce.”
And I find that scenario to be amusing.
Unfortunately, however, I now also know how such a blast would taste. Because I made the mistake of trying the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap…
I saw a commercial for the odd, just-released fast food novelty a few weeks ago, and it was clear I needed to give it a try. The whole thing seemed ludicrous, so a personal investigation was in order.
The word “wrap” is synonymous (rightly or wrongly) with “healthy” and “light.” And the Big Mac is more aligned with words such as “enormous, riffled ass” and “defibrillator.” The Big Mac Snack Wrap seemed to be a contradiction in terms, like tasteful tube-top or enjoyable opera. So, I had to check it out, ASAP.
Yeah, and it wasn’t very good.
One cost $1.49, but they were running a special (get this!): two for $2.98. A great deal, huh? I went with the bulk pricing, and took home the alarmingly light carry-out bag. And here’s how the first one looked:
Is that pitiful, or what? Big Mac has a reputation for being a large burger (it could be a bit larger), but the Big Mac Wrap seemed to be emaciated and fully collapsed.
And here’s why:
Opened up, it looked like a poodle turd on a slimy tortilla.
I don’t know… Supposedly the wrap has the same ingredients as the real Big Mac (beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, etc.), but all I could taste was the sauce.
I do see a few pickles, and a couple pieces of lettuce, but I don’t remember tasting them. I think onions and cheese is a complete myth. Basically, it was all sauce: a flour tortilla coated with the stuff and rolled-up.
Blecch. It’s probably what World War II rationing food tasted like.
No way was I going to choke down the second one, so I pawned it off on my wife, without comment. And after two bites she made a face, and said, “What is this, a Thousand Island dressing burrito?”
The concept is ridiculous, and the execution is poor. It tastes terrible (like a hit off the console sauce-sack), and it’s tiny (this is America, dammit!). No way it’s worth a dollar fifty. In fact, I don’t think it’s worth free.
I’m not accustomed to judging fast food so harshly, because it’s generally our friend, but this thing was a complete disaster. I’m going to give it a D-, and believe that’s generous. The high concentration of sauce nearly caused the roof of my mouth to split open!
Have you tried the Big Mac Snack Wrap? Give us your thoughts in the comments.
And since it was full-on terrible, please also tell us about the worst thing you’ve ever ordered in a fast food restaurant. I’m not talking about flies in your food, or things like that. I mean something that was prepared the correct way, with no contamination – just awful.
Thanks for reading! I’ll see ya next time.