The observation of human activity must surely be an expensive proposition, and we are interested in helping defray some of those costs. Therefore, we will be offering a series of reports, explaining in simple terms what must be baffling to visitors from other galaxies.
Our goal is to be a fully-integrated planet Earth solution, and an indispensable resource for the alien on a budget.
Nearly all civilized human creatures cover their naked bodies in customized sheets of material, called “clothing.” This practice is likely rooted in a desire for modesty, comfort, and (finally) vanity.
The items are generally quite large, and each can cloak half of an entire human, or more. Common variations are known as “shirts,” “skirts,” “pants,” and in the southeastern region of North America, “bib overalls.”
In addition to these conspicuous articles, most subjects also favor smaller, more intimate items, known as “underwear.” This is an umbrella term, and can refer to almost anything worn underneath the visible, outer coverings.
The central part of a human body is quite convoluted; it’s a virtual riot of confusion down there. It is also a very sensitive area, which induces the specimens to throw up an extra wall of cotton between it and their “pants.”
These additional layers come in many styles, but all serve the same basic purpose: to keep the genitals off to themselves, like VIPs at a nightclub.
Slang terms for this particular underwear include, but are not limited to, panties, briefs, boxers, tighty-whities, ball socks, scrote curtains, wiener wrappers, cooter gaskets, and testicle cozies.
Men also benefit from the filtering properties of these garments. All humans are equipped with an orifice not unlike the whale’s blowhole. Occasionally a blast of air is emitted, and a fine fecal mist is sent rocketing into the ether. Without the underwear, most men would walk around with mist residue clinging to the seat of their pants.
It’s unknown if female humans are given to such frequent outbursts, and require additional filtering. This reporter has limited experience in this area. Only once, while traveling with a former girlfriend on an interstate highway outside Charleston, West Virginia, has a female fully engaged her blowhole in his presence. The resulting odor was so pronounced, and sodden with cauliflower, he considered breaking off their engagement for marriage, and making her walk home.
Most adult female humans also utilize a second underwear, known as the “brassiere.” This is a complicated affair, worn near the top of the torso and designed to (among other things) keep the breasts from getting out of hand.
Left unchecked during times of exertion, a set of female breasts have been known to bang together, rotate clockwise then counterclockwise, or scissor up and down like some sort of highly-erotic industrial machine.
The brassiere employs an elaborate network of lines, and possibly pulleys. At the front of the garment are two hoisting platforms, commonly referred to as “cups.” These cups vary in circumference and depth, depending on the size of the job they’re being asked to perform.
In most cases the brassiere, or simply “bra,” also features a pair of stabilizing belts to be worn across the shoulders. These are designed to help distribute the pressure more evenly, and avoid catastrophic blow-outs and possible injury, loss of sight, or even death to innocent bystanders.
I hope this report has proven to be helpful. As always, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store, every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., if you should have follow-up questions.
This concludes today’s broadcast.