Last night two people called-off at my job, and we’d been left with roughly three days worth of work to complete. So, I had to hoist myself off my desk chair, and lend a hand. And man, that sucked with a powerful urgency.
It was really hot in there, and I was slick like a seal. And my pants, for some reason, kept getting bigger and bigger. Have you ever experienced such a thing? At the beginning of the night they were a normal pair of jeans, but had doubled in size by quitting time.
I had to keep yanking them up every few seconds, or they would’ve gone all the way to the floor. And that’s not a joke. I don’t think the waistband was even touching my body by 1:30 am. And WTF?
A few nights ago I was completely asleep and Toney shoved me hard. “I think somebody’s in the house,” she said, in a concerned and nervous tone.
Andy was in the hallway outside our bedroom, barking and turning backflips, and we could hear two voices that sounded like they were coming from our living room. Holy crap!
Nancy and I agree that it’s unfair to assign traditional gender roles, and I considered telling Toney she’d better go check it out, while I remained behind the safety of the comforter. But my instincts told me I’d better take the lead in this situation.
So I got up and started looking around for the pair of shorts I’d flung into the corner.
“What are you doing?” Toney asked.
“Looking for my shorts.”
“Somebody’s in the house!”
Hey, if I was going to be forced to fight a burglar, and maybe attempt some kind of fat-man tae kwon do, I didn’t want to have to worry about being in my underwear. I have a feeling that might’ve put me off my game. Heh.
But it was just the paperboy, and some girl, delivering the daily news. Their voices were carrying like a son of a bitch. I don’t know why, but I could still hear every word they were saying, when they were all the way at the end of the block.
So I went back upstairs, kicked my shorts off again, and slept for another three hours.
The younger Secret was at a friend’s house a few days ago and jumped (or fell, depending on what you want to believe) into their pool — with his cell phone in his pocket.
The thing was completely fried. It wouldn’t turn on, and when you pushed a button the keyboard got wet. It was loaded up with pool water. Grrr…
I remembered hearing somewhere that if you get a phone wet, you can bring it back to life using rice. Supposedly the stuff will draw the moisture out of anything, if you give it enough time to work its magic.
So I went to the grocery store and bought a bag of white rice, poured it into a bowl, and buried the cell phone in it. I told everyone to leave it alone, and we’d check it on Sunday morning — three full days later.
Yeah, and it didn’t work. When we tried to turn it on, the phone just vibrated and wouldn’t stop. Fan-freaking-tastic. It’s the kind of thing that just makes me so goddamn happy…
But we got his number moved over to my previous phone, and he’s now back up and running, with no extra cost to us. It’s a rare happy ending!
Have you ever ruined a cell phone? If so, tell us about it in the comments. So far I have nothing to report, but I’ve started shoving mine in my back pocket. I know this is a dangerous thing, yet I keep doing it. It’s only a matter of time before I mash my phone to death with my right ham.
Please stay tuned.
And I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there are some new features at the site. We now have recent Twitter tweets in the sidebar, and Top Commentators in the footer. I also paid someone to install and configure an ad management system, that’ll work behind the scenes. And a few other boring but essential things, as well…
In the near future there will be another new feature that I’m extra-excited about. I think you guys will like it, too. At least I hope you will. Ahem.
The commentators thing goes back 30 days, and ranks folks by the number of comments they’ve left at the site during that time. But please don’t game the system, OK? I love comments, but they need to be legit. If it gets out of hand, I’ll have to pull the plug on it.
And since I mentioned Twitter, how about a multi-step Surf Report call-to-action? Please follow me at Twitter. Then follow mockable at Twitter. Then follow me at facebook. Then join the mailing list. Four steps to eternal happiness! Or something.
I just downloaded the new Eels album, from eMusic. I plan to also buy a physical copy of it, from Best Buy (for $9.99). The Eels are one of my favorite “bands,” and I need to have an archival copy on the wall, as well as the convenient download version I’m listening to, right now.
And I wanted to cover a few other things today, but am all out of time here. Good thing they keep making tomorrows…
Please tell us your cell phone horror stories, and I’d also like to know about the last time you called the cops. What happened? Hopefully it wasn’t because a paperboy walked past your house? Use the comment links below.
And I’ll see you guys on Wednesday.