Embarrassing Work Stories, “Spaghetti,” and Some News
On Friday evening Toney, the boys, and I were having dinner in an unfamiliar restaurant. And on the menu they had random items listed in quotations, like “spaghetti and meatballs,” “chicken parmigiana,” and a whole section labeled “desserts.”
And this made me uneasy. Not everything was in quotes, you see, just certain selections. So, what the hell?
What I wanted, of course, was all quoted-up and I asked Toney if I should risk it. She thought I was joking, but I wasn’t. I wanted a personal pizza, not a “personal pizza.” I mean, seriously.
But I finally decided the menu was probably prepared by someone whose reading material consists largely of the TV listings, Funyun sacks, and Facebook. Upon further investigation, I noticed it actually said “dessert’s,” which helped confirm my suspicions.
So, I went ahead and ordered the “personal pizza,” and everything was fine. In fact, it was really good. But while I waited for them to bring it out, I was imagining things that were kinda shaped like a personal pizza, but were, in fact, other stuff.
And boy was I relieved when they brought me an actual pizza, and not, say, a baked merkin. An overreaction? Perhaps. But those quotation marks made me nervous, OK?
I have some bad news for you guys… Nancy and the translucents have canceled their visit. We found out on Sunday. Apparently the big honkin’ battery in their Prius shit the bed, and it costs thousands to replace.
That car isn’t very old, but I don’t think you’re supposed to pack it out with five people, a hammerhead dog, a thousand pounds of LEGO, thirty Hupperware (real Tupperware is too expensive) bowls of breathtaking stank grossness, and a sea of rustling body hair that causes drag. And then… criss-cross the continent in the thing, month after month for years on end.
But what do I know about it?
The bottom line: no new Nancy visit, no new Nancy stories. I apologize, while dancing around in celebration.
And speaking of news, I received a little bit about my “book” last week. Yeah, they want me to do some more work on it… I was disappointed at first, but now I’m kinda looking forward to it, if you can believe it.
Just between you and me, I didn’t feel 100% satisfied with the second draft. Of course I understand I’ll never be completely satisfied with it, but there was a nagging concern about two or three specific things. And now I’m being given the, um, opportunity to fix them.
I was hoping they’d say it was ready to be shown to publishers, but I have a feeling I’ll be thanking them in the long run. They’re tough, but I’ll undoubtedly come out of it with a better manuscript.
So… I’m going to be devoting Thursdays and Fridays to the book again, until I finish the revisions in early to mid-September. I’ll try to post an update Sunday through Wednesday during that period, but it might occasionally slip to Monday through Wednesday.
Sorry, but we’re getting very near the end of this thing. By the time this hell weather starts to sputter out, I think I’ll have a completed novel on my hands. And that still excites the pooplets out of me.
I was talking to a guy on Saturday who has the new Droid X phone. Have you seen that thing? It’s huge! He had it in a red case, and it looked like he was holding an Etch-a-Sketch up to his ear.
He allowed me to play around with it for a few seconds, and it’s a complete monster. The screen is gigantic, and it really is like a small laptop you can stick in your pocket.
For a few minutes I was experiencing Droid envy, but I’m happy with my replacement phone. The first one was a lemon, I’m convinced, because the new one is MUCH faster – especially when I’m tapped into wi-fi. I love it. The shit is fantastic.
But do you have the new Droid X? What do you think? Should I have waited a few months? If so, I don’t wanna know… But tell me, anyway.
For the Question of the Day, I’d like to get your stories about the most embarrassing things you’ve witnessed (or experienced) in the workplace.
When we were in Atlanta one of our co-workers was caught “taking matters into his own hand” in the men’s room, and news of the event spread throughout the building within a matter of seconds. The dumb bastard practically had to leave the state.
A few months earlier the same guy drove his car to a nearby sandwich shop, forgot and walked back to the office, then reported his car stolen at the end of the day. Heh. Same dipshit.
And, of course, there have been several women who came out of the rest room with a yard of skirt INSIDE their underwear. How does something like that even happen? I’m laughing just thinking about it.
But what about you? What are the most embarrassing things you’ve ever encountered at work? It could’ve happened to you, or someone else, it doesn’t matter.
Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Filed under: Daily
FIRST
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SECOND!
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Oh how I wish this wouldn’t have happened to me:
http://www.olivia-ocd.com/2008/07/15/the-story-that-tops-all-stories/
It’s two years later, and I’m still dying inside.
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turd!
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You ask the QOD using two different words, “witnessed” and “encountered”. Sorry about the quote marks.
I didn’t witness this one, but it was going on in a medium sized data center while I was present. One of the managers was having a doodah with a woman who also worked in Information Services. I think they were both married. In any case, they were a doin’ it behind a row of disk drives. I know drives are small now, but until the mid-90′s or so each unit was about the size of a washing machine. Of course, the additional benefit of screwing in a computer room is that there’s a 12″ raised floor under which there is cold air. I guess that would help manage the sweating problem.
I didn’t see them, but somebody did. I was in charge of software. I just told my boss it sounded like a hardware problem to me and got the hell out of there.
Heads rolled. Perhaps tails as well.
jtb
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Wow. Posting in the middle of the night now. Juancho esta numero cuatro! All work is an embarassment I think.
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I have seen the spurious quote marks a time or two at restaurants and find them hilarious. The table usually starts to make air quotes about “waiters” and “rest rooms” and everything else in sight. “I think I left my “virginity” in the “rest room”.”
And, to be sure, many fine Americans believe that to make a noun plural one just has to add apostrophe s and all will be well. It really boils my noodles when I see it, but I don’t know why. I mean, not everyone has the benefit of a fine fifth grade education. I just need to calm down and enjoy everyone using our fine language in random ways, depending on whim and fancy. I fuckin’ need to calm down.
Good luck with the book process. The road is long, winding, and arbitrary. Would it be of help if “Duff” slept with the publisher? I used the quote marks to avoid referring to anybody in particular.
jtb
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@johnthebasket-Don’t leave those noodles in the pot too long. Nobody likes a “limp noodle”. Er, sorry, “noodle’s”.
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Top ten? Un-fucking-believable.
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Jeff, regarding the quotation marks, I think it may be a Pennsylvania thing. I see it a lot around here in Western PA, as well as the possessive versus plural noun mistake (i.e. wings vs. wing’s — it makes me want to scream at the person responsible for the mistake that “the goddamned wings don’t own anything!”)
JTB — “not everyone has the benefit of a fine fifth grade education” hit the goddamned nail on the head. I’ll try to keep that in mind when the mouthbreathers have me at rope’s end.
Embarrassing things at work: I fell asleep under my desk after one of those 4-days-awake benders last year. However, I actually told my boss I was going to do it before I curled up in a ball next to the computer. It was either that or take half of the day off and risk falling asleep at the wheel trying to drive home…
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I’m pretty happy with my Android-based LG Ally phone…really good keyboard, good enough performance. It’s hard not to get phone envy…whatever is the latest to come out is always better than what you already have (my co-worker COULDN’T stop bragging about his HTC Eris when he got it…now he can’t stop talking about how much he regrets not waiting for the HTC Incredible). Don’t sweat the X.
We have someone who shares the Men’s Room with us on our floor (multiple companies, so he may not be one of ours) who we have yet to identify, who we call the “serial whacker”. ‘Nuff said…yuck. Needless to say I frequent the preferred stall on a different floor (a floor whose companies are female-majority (a bunch of doctor’s offices), so it’s generally a quiet, uninterrupted dump. (See: http://www.poopreport.com/Office/Content/dumpatwork.html )
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Lots of embarrassment at work. Nothing naked so I guess I am one of the lucky few. My favorite grammatical error is Christmas cards with the “Merry Xmas from the Jones’s family” vs the correct Merry xmas with the Jones Family” I call my grandma with a degree in English old school..who knows proper so I don’t look like an uneducated ass to everyone I know. They all think I do it wrong. tards. The correct way would be to add the apostrophe S when you are offering a party at your house “Come to the party at the Johnson’s house on so and so.”
I think I am right. lol.
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Here is the low down on the Droid X
DISPLAY SIZE
4.3-in.; WVGA (480 x 854)
They tell you in inches ’cause they’re proud of this!
WEIGHT
155 grams
This is in Grams because it’s kind of embarrasing that it weighs over 1/4 of a pound! (5.46 oz)
SIZE (H X W X D)
65.5 x 127.5 x 9.9 mm
Again embarrassing that it is 2.5″ X over 5″ wide.
You can always tell when they mix metric and American measurements which ones they don’t want to shout about.
They’re not fooling the inner-city drug dealers one bit though. Those guys understand the metric system!
They can convert CC’s to Ho-Slaps in their heads.
The Droid X might make a decent Ho-Slappin device. Gimme my money, I needs an I-Phone.
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Dave, I don’t know why, but I’m always surprised at websites dedicated to a single topic (the URL you provided) – you’d think I’d be over it. I laughed like a tard. God, I AM 12 yrs old on the inside.
Jeff you reminded me of the Cheer’s (yeah I did an apostrophe, bite it bitches) episode where Norm talked about the restaurant upstairs and the all you can eat buffet of “loobster” and “baaf” (the oil based meat substitutes).
And Jeff, your agent sent me a copy of the book (relax I’m just fucking kidding) and I have a few suggestions for the rewrite (sarcasm follows – don’t go all fuckety fuck on me, ok?):
- a little less cock, a bit more whohaa
- the story of how you lost your virginity was touching but perhaps a bit of a lawsuit bomb with regards to the Congressman from Delaware.
- most people write in the 1st person or 3rd person. You wrote most of the book in the 4th person which while novel (see what I did there?) perhaps is too unique for your first book.
- the whole chapter on Nazi synchronized swimming seemed a little out of place.
- chapter 26 is entitled simply “beer”. And then you had 14 pages of nothing but “mmm mmmm mmm”. I think it might affect the flow a little.
- the pictures you inserted were quite hilarious but they were all of transvestites taking a dump. Funny but it was like the website “picture is unrelated” and drew me away from the topic.
- you appear to have written it like you were leaving notes for friends… sort of like Stephen King writes… (did I get that right Shiny Rod?)
- irregardless simply isn’t a word. Starting EVERY paragraph with “irregardless” in chapter 19 does NOT make it a word.
- perhaps a little less conversation a little more action
- don’t change a thing, I’m sure I’m going to love it as is.
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In my experience, I have found that many people see quotation marks as a way to “fancy” things up, and make them look “special.” Where you or I may use bold, underline or italics, they will use quotation “marks.”
I think the traditional preparation for a mirkin is to sautee it, so really, you had nothing to worry about.
I was recently at Six Flags and saw a poor, teenaged ride-operator who had peed her pants, and just kept on truckin’. I don’t know if the powers-that-be wouldn’t allow her a break or what, but she had full-on peed her pants. I’m sure she was mortified, but for whatever reason, she just kept loading kids in and out of the ride. I felt so bad for her I almost offered to take over for her so she could go clean up. WTH?
The skirt in the pantyhose thing: really only happens if you are in a rush and not paying attention. Your focus is on getting the damn pantyhose up and situated correctly, you completely forget about the yards of fabric swirling around your hips. I have never left a stall like that, but came close. Solution: don’t wear pantyhose. Or skirts.
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I haven’t had an office job in 12 years, but when I did, there was one woman who would routinely stop up the toilet with her BMs and someone(s) would leave their maxi pads sunny side up in the trash. These were all older women who should have known to wrap a pad in TP and then dispose of it. That bathroom smelled TERRIBLE.
The Evil Twin has had his fair share of disgusting co-worker antics, like “The Mad Shitter”. I’ll tell the story if he doesn’t.
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I used to work at a place that suffered its own little version of Enron. They kept accounting records that belonged in the fiction section at Indigo. The president was the doppelganger for Bernie (remember? we all spent a weekend with him? Yes! that Bernie). He had the same goofy sort of smile and the same raised eyebrow all the time. Being a person who has watched more than my share of medical dramas, I diagnosed that he had mild hyperthyroidism as he had a slightly bug eyed gold fishian appearance. Not too bad – just enough to make you think he was REALLY paying attention.
He was however for the most part, a humorless prick who cost a lot of people their jobs.
I walked in to the bathroom with a full and urgent bowel. Not quite a turtle head but urgent none the less. I pushed open the door to the sole stall and was greeted with “Bernie” and that same look but this time looking up at me with his pants around his ankles. I mean, WHO forgets to lock the fucking door?
I made the mistake of telling my boss – who told two friends….
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Ginger, I would have felt the same. Your heart just goes out to some people, doesn’t it? Poor kid.
I was on a flight in the 2nd last row. I saw a lady walk past me with her dress stuck in her panty hose. She was seated a row or two from the front. Nobody noticed in time to tell her and I don’t think anyone wanted to yell up to her…
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Good Morning Surf Reporters…..
about 6 months ago I had an elderly gentleman piss his pants while sitting in my office. Felt terribly horribly embarrassed for him.
Had to throw the chair away, too.
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There is a hotel here in town that serves a “hot” breakfast. I guess the muffins are a bit sexy.
Because I hate everyone I work with, I break the rules everyday and bury my attention under headphones and scheduling parameters. I never see anything that happens, embarrassing or otherwise.
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Hey guys, pray for my safe delivery to WV! Headed outta Nome, Alaska in 5 hours…going to Western New York, then to the “Promised Land (WV”) on Friday. Can’t wait to get there…but the visit is going to be waaaaay too short because the wife has guilted me into other family visits.
Weirdest thing that happened over my weekend was that my brother in law’s house got hit by a tornado in Western New York, just south of Buffalo. And true to form, WIVB in Buffalo opened the story with a stereotypical Hillbilly gut missing a front tooth describing how it “sowndered jis’ like err frate trane a’ passin’ frewwwww.” I swear to God, the guy is probably from central casting, and local news shows use the stock footage for all their lead ins on tornado stories.
See ya soon, WV. I’ll be the guy with the big ass smile on my face headed down Rt. 2 on Friday. Don’t get in my way, because I ain’t stoppin’ for nuffin’ til I get to St. Marys!!!!!!!
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Most embarrassing thing that happened to me? Other that life in general? When I worked for a computer services company in Atlanta, one of the younger tape librarians came up to me, unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse and then asked me if I could see a mosquito bite. My reply, not from what I could see. Other than that, a near “beefy mac and cheese” incident involving warm grape juice was almost the nearset thing I can think of, I think most of my life has been culminating into one big embarrassing event.
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My job interview:
Interviewer: So I see you went to high school with my brother-in-law.
Me: Really? Who is your brother-in-law?
Interviewer: “Joe Blow” (quotations for you Jeff)
Me: OMG, I used to have the biggest crush on his older brother! So when did Joe marry your sister?
Interviewer: He didn’t, I’m married to his older brother.
Me: Shitbags, I want to dig a hole through the floor.
Got the job anyway – I’ve been here 14 years.
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At the last place I worked, a fat guy had just finished taking a dump when I was finished taking a leak, and as we were washing our hands, I noticed that he had a stretch of toilet paper coming out of the back of his pants, that was literally about six feet long and dragging on the floor like a tail. I didn’t particularly like this guy (he was loud and obnoxious, and called himself “an art expert,” though we were in the insurance business), so I decided not to say anything. I followed him out the bathroom door, his TP-tail trailing along, and paused to watch the reactions of people as he walked past the cubicles of coworkers. He spent about five minutes mingling around, until finally one of the secretaries in the office decided to “do the right thing” and tell him about the toilet paper.
The guy must’ve realized that I had followed him out the bathroom door and yet didn’t warn him about it, but he didn’t say anything to me. But he must’ve been pissed at me, I figure. I didn’t care, though.
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I just held my breath and removed a bunch of code from this site, to hopefully make it load faster. You’ll notice that the ads aren’t showing in the sponsor box anymore? Yeah, that’s because a program called OpenX failed. And it was causing everything to DRAAAAG here.
Apparently I didn’t break anything, and it seems to be moving faster. Let me know if you encounter any new problems.
Sheesh.
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I once passed a Dairy Queen with the following text on the marquee portion of their sign:
TRY OUR NEW “SOUP”
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Shiny Rod – my reference to you in one of the bullets of my first post should have been to Swami Bologna
I apologize for nothing.
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So, you must be a fan of The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks.
http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/
Joe
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Jeff-
Fair Warning…With no “Eninen” updates, I may have to find another site to waste my time with.
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They were fixing a toilet on the first floor of the building I work in. They had to replace it so they left the new toilet right in the middle of the hallway, close to the vending machines. I couldn’t resist – I bought a Baby Ruth bar, unwrapped it and dumped it in the new throne. Laughed my ass off for hours after watching people’s distateful reaction. I’m still laughing about it and that was a good 8 years ago.
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At my office, we were given the privaledge of being able to have Yahoo messenger at work to talk to each other, this includes my boss. One day, my boss sent me an inspiration poem about God. I was a little confused by this as my boss is not very open or talkative, so I messaged my co-worker and asked her if he’d sent it to her as well. I thought maybe it was a mass message or something. I didn’t know this at the time, but she had stepped out for lunch, and much to my surprise and dismay, my boss decided he was going to work on her computer for a minute, as she’d been complaining about her e-mail not opening previously in the day. He NEVER sits at our computers, for any reason, and encourages we password protect everything and everything to protect ourselves. But that ONE time I ask her something about him, he goes and sits at her computer. I was mortified. I think my exact message was “Did he just send you a lengthy inspirational poem about God? I don’t know why he sent this to me”…I felt bad. He never said anything about it, but he apparently clicked out of the message because she said she never saw it…awkward. Otherwise, I’ve been embarrassed a lot while I was waitressing. I dropped a few glasses in my days…I also dropped an entire glass of water onto a table of teenagers before…
The most embarrassing thing I witnessed…We used to have an idiot of a woman who worked here a little over a year ago, she would eat two pudding cups for lunch everyday, had a picture of her shirtless 400 pound truck driver boyfriend on her desk, and was a horrible driver. Our office is right off the expressway overpass, you have to go down a 20 foot sloped driveway to get into our parking lot. On both sides of the driveway, it pretty just drops off. There’s small slopes on the side, but definately something you shouldn’t take your car down. Idot has yet to put up guardrails, so it makes it especially fun to drive down in the winter. One December day, there was a fresh blanket of snow on the ground and she came pummeling down the driveway in her beat up Taurus, misinterpreted where the end of the driveway was, and took a sharp right turn, right off the side of the driveway. I could see her stupid curly locks bouncing around as she barrelled through the snow and mud, slid through the parking lot, and parked her car normally as if nothing happened. I wish so much that I would have had a camcorder at that very moment, because it was on my list of top funniest things I’ve ever witnessed. It truly made my day.
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Hey Hot Fuzz, re your note above “Dave, I don’t know why, but I’m always surprised at websites dedicated to a single topic (the URL you provided) – you’d think I’d be over it. I laughed like a tard. God, I AM 12 yrs old on the inside. ” –
I am 45 frickin’ years old myself and that site makes me laugh until I cry every time I happen to look at it. And I keep that particular page (Office Dumps) bookmarked because I’m always surprised at how often it’s applicable…such as today.
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@Evil Twin’s Wife, “Sunny side up” Ahhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
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Jeff, by the way, I did see the DroidX yesterday, and you’re right, it’s huge. Inconveniently and uncomfortably huge. It’s pretty much an Ipad.
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Jeff, I first have to thank “you” for your update today. It provided the perfect stress relief for me and possibly saved “the” lives of all the kneebiters I work with. I swear I was about to pop, and “then” you would have seen the smoking fish on the evening news – the only cryptic “piece” of evidence found among a mass of dead bodies at an office.
I can’t think of any really embarrassing things at work, “but” disgusting comes to mind. At my previous job I saw a dude come “out of the shitter”, turn on the faucet, and drink from his hands. The dude never washed, just “took” a gulp and dried his hands like it was completely normal. I steered clear of him for “my” last few days – I knew where his hands had been, after all.
And to add to the torture of the english language I’ve randomly “quoted” words throughout my post. And WTF is up with that? I have a friend on Facebook that quotes everything – going to eat “dinner” then take a “walk” and maybe drink some “beers”. It drives me batty.
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We once had a “Dickhead” safety manager at a plant I worked at, one fine day, he was hit by a swinging load and knocked down with the wind knocked out of him. We all laughed our asses off, and someone had the great idea, after he had been taken to the doctors, the guy outlined his body on the shop floor like a crime scene. Funny as hell.
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I’m 12 years old, too. To quote Brittney:
“Jeff you’re right, it’s huge. Inconveniently and uncomfortably huge.”
heh heh. heh heh. She said huge.
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Jeff – a real tri-fecta on the links today. Seeing Monty Burns in one link, a red headed Hugo with a yellow glove in the other and finishing it off with the Further Evidence link – all three – priceless.
I especially liked the Further Evidence link for two reasons – I’ve lost a bit of weight so I’m on my way to not needing 20 pall bearers but just in case it’s good to know there are provisions but more importantly to see a hot exotic chick that is willing to actually get in to a casket (I can’t begin to tell you how much trouble that is normally).
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My new mailing address, as of ten minutes ago:
Jeff Kay
PO Box 88
Clarks Summit, PA 18411
It’s not yet a fur-lined PO box like the last one, but give me a few days…
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I shall order up some homo-erotic items and have them sent immediately to the new drop box.
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rut-ro…you’re gonna need a spam filter for that P.O. Box….just sayin’…
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Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I see several people on FB that never use any sort of punctuation. I understand if it’s in a text msg. I have to read & re-read to get the gist. Somedays it really annoys me. I don’t demand perfect grammar, but paaahlease throw a period in there now and then, wouldja?
Cake decorators often misuse quotes. “Happy Birthday” Ashley. Also, restroom doors are marked with the ironic “Ladies” and “Gents” because we all know they aren’t as genteel as they act.
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The “pantyhose-in-the-skirt” trick appears to be a common occurrence around the office. we had one of those one day. the lady was really weird, so it was all the more hilarious.
working in an office, one learns the idiosyncrasies of coworkers’ bathroom habits. we had a guy who never washed his hands, even after dropping a deuce. we had an arab guy who would do everything with one hand, then wash that one hand afterwards.
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My wife had a crazy lady who she worked with announce one day, to all in the office, that she had just shit her pants at her desk. She goes to the bathroom, cleans up and hangs her shit-stained underpants on the heater to dry. I am not shittin’ ya. Truth is stranger than fiction. The boss finally comes over and tells her get the fuck home, everyone is laughing at you.
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@Wedgie
And you know right where to get those items because…?
=8^-)
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I just thought of another story. It’s funny as hell, I’m still laughing after 12 years.
I worked at one of those new industrial complexes that has a row of mini shops and mini warehouses separated by a small parking lot. We had outgrown our current shop and were leasing some space across the parking lot. The guys on the other side were working and had the radio loud enough so we could hear it in our shop. The manager waddled his fat ass out to the shop to complain about something and then decided to yell at the guys across the parking lot. They pretended not to hear him so he started waddling across the parking lot to their side. At that moment we had one of those weird moments where all the equipment happened to stop running, the phone wasn’t ringing, and there was no talking – it was dead quiet. Then we hear the guys across the parking lot yell to each other, “Here comes that fat mother fucker now!”
We all died laughing. They somehow convinced the manager they weren’t talking about him, but only after 15 minutes of furious arguing. Gotta be one of the best days I ever had at work!
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@ Dave – OMG that was hilarious. I was trying not to outright laugh in this morgue of an office and ended up blowiing a snot out of my left nostril.
Hey, is that an embarrassing work story?
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Nothing is jumping out at me for todays topic.
Off topic, I’ve been driving a motor vehicle for 27 plus years. Today, I’m following a mini-van on a fairly busy state highway and twice the person in the van slowed down due to a vehicle in front of them wanting to make a left. Then said person puts on their turn signal like they’re going to follow. Only when the lead vehicle clears does the van turn off the signal and proceed ahead. At first I thought that maybe they got confused about where they were going, when it happened the second time I couldn’t help but to think that was one of the strangest road habits I’d ever seen. Anybody here ever see anything like this before? It was mildly agitating because honestly the van was driving about 54 MPH and I normally go about 62 and I was hoping they would soon be leaving the highway.
Feel free to correct any grammar issues. I’d rather you point them out than get driven crazy. I graduated high school and went to work in construction. Didn’t do much writing (except for in the port-a-johns) for 15 years. Then moved into the office but the only writing I do here is short technical proposals.
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WB – My dad used to do that so that people behind him would know what was going on. Or at least that’s what he told me.
When I worked at Corning we had several machines that used hydrogen, oxygen and natural gas. When you shut the oxygen and hydrogen off then the natural gas flames would flare up a couple feet high. No biggie really. Of course on the new foreman’s second day some jackleg yelled ‘FIRE!” and the foreman came running over with one of those fire extinguishers filled with powder and fogged the whole machine down. Funny as hell because the machine was down for 3 days to clean it up and replace about 1,000 bearings. Last I heard that foreman is now a mail carrier.
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Chuck-That’s kind of what I thought he was doing, it was just the first time I’d ever saw it and it struck me odd.
Once upon a time the company I work for was doing some repair work at a rendering facility. If you’re not familiar with what that is you’re extremely lucky. Anyway, I’m climbing up a step ladder when all of a sudden my “buddy” Chuck climbs up behind me and puts something in my back pocket. At first I figured it was a screwdriver or something that I’d dropped. Nope, I reach around and discover a turkey foot. Well I let out a scream that I still get ridiculed about. I didn’t like working around all the blood, guts and stench to begin with and dead animal parts in my pocket was just too much for me.
I think I used the quotations correctly.
And for the twelve year olds I said “reach around”.
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hot fuzz – Who the “hell” is Stephen King? No apologizes accepted.
Chuck in Belpre – You worked for DOW Corning? I worked for Dow Chemical at the Indy HQ 88-91
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Shiny Rod, we used to have a Corning Glass plant here. They made lots of laboratory utensils, beakers, flasks, and stuff like that. That’s probably what Chuck was talking about. Of course, they closed a few years ago, putting lots of folks out of work.
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My friend was working in a restaurant and got the back of her uniform stuck in her pantyhose. She walked through the entire restaurant like that and it was a coworker that she could not stand who smuggly told her.
WB – maybe the van was confused and going to try to pass the truck – thinking that the truck was signalling him to pass. That’s happened here before as there are large mining trucks which can’t go uphill fast, dangerous practise I’d say.
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Most embarassing moment at work?
Two stick out in my memory. I worked in cust. svc. for a discount furniture retailer, at their call center, and I brought in a “screaming flying monkey” for a coworker to check out (they’re stuffed monkey slingshots that scream like monkeys when you shoot them, they fly FAR).
I pulled back on it and let it go, and it flew screaming straight out the doorway to our dept into the main hallway, and hit the arm of the owner/CEO who was conducting a tour with a focus group sent to give feedback on customer service. Haha, ironic. Thank goodness he ignored it and just kept walking like nothing happened. Pompous idiot.
2nd thing happened at my current job. We have an internal instant message system, and a coworker/friend was leaving early for the day and I sent her a message that said “Boo, you Ho! Enjoy the rest of your day, loser!”
Only I sent it to my supervisor who has no sense of humor and is one of those “strictly business on company communication systems” type of people. UGH
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Nothing? Nodoby has said “shit” about the fur lined PO box?
Jesus “Christ” sometimes I just think you guys are phoning “it” in.
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And for the twelve year olds I said “reach around”
heh heh. heh heh.
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Yeh it was Corning Glass Works which was sold and became Schott Scientific. Made beakers and testtubes and stuff like that.
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@WB, I think that’s a euro thing: “If there were another lane, I would be in it to pass you. “Yes, “quotes” drive me”batshit”.
An unrelated story, but one one I think the “majority” of “surf reporters” might find “amusing”… My co-worker and I were returning to the hotel about 5:30 or 5:45 this evening. In the lobby was the usual clot of people trying to check in. I caught a whiff of something I couldn’t quite place – what is that smell? – when I realized that one of the Teeming Millions had a small dog, which had just produced a fresh coil of cable on the carpet right in front of the hotel reception desk. We got on the elevator and chortled about it. Around the second floor, the elevator stopped and a Maintenance Guy got on. Almost immediately, his radio chirped. He said, “yeah, go ahead” and the voice at the other end said, “hey, can you come down to the lobby? We got a dog took a dump here”.
Brightens up my otherwise-drab day.
.
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I know jtb will like this one…And this “type” of thing happened twice…(in two different years)
It is “job-related”, but not “on the job”. Hmm. Anyway…
One: Years ago, during a break from the San Diego Comic-Con, a bunch of us (artists, writers, etc.) went to a Padres game, and the stadium was fairly empty. So, you know how people move “down”, instead of sitting in their “section”? Okay.
So, we are all sitting around, in one big group, “talent” and fans alike, when these very obnoxious guys start spouting off about an “incident” with one of their favorite artists. “Yeah, that Kim DeMulder is such a bitch! All stuck up and thinking she’s all that…who the hell does she think she is charging that much for a sketch?” and so on…
Until one of us turned around and said, “Kim DeMulder is a GUY”. Turned out they hadn’t met “her” (him) they were just being a*holes.
Two: San Diego Comic Con, and our group goes off to Balboa Park and the San Diego Zoo. I can’t remember in which location this one happened…
A different couple of spouting douchebags talking about how they had a big confrontation with Peter David. And they told him Right To His Face how much he sucks as a writer. They even asked him if he wanted to “take it outside”..calamity ensued, and they even got Mr. David thrown off the premises!
Um. Really? Peter is standing RIGHT THERE. In our group. So, we point him out and say, so…you want to tell him to his “face” again?
I am not sure what these guys are thinking trying to “show off”. In both cases, the guys turned twenty shades of crimson, and beat it in a hurry,
Heh. I said “beat it”.
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I’ll use quotations when I want to imply a “tongue and cheek”… or kind of a …”so called”, inference. (Can you imply an inference?..dunno and I don’t want to look up the “proper”).
So..maybe the menu miester was trying to put out a warning about the …so called “spaghetti and meat balls”…and other questionable items on the menu.
Good deal on the third re-write. Nothing wrong with that and I bet you will be thanking them later. You weren’t 100% sue and neither were…”them”.
Oh…just spent another thirty five bucks at the Amazon link. Two CDs and a book. My shelves will be amply stocked should I enter debtors’ prison.
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WB raises a legitimate concern about the appropriate and proper use of grammar, punctuation and syntax. I’ve seen some hilarious, cogent comments on this site that contained all three kinds of errors. And Lord knows I make my share of mistakes, especially when I’m typing in a hurry.
I wouldn’t want to discourage anybody from posting a comment for fear of language usage retribution. There are Reporters who don’t write much as part of their jobs, and their comments should be as welcome as anybody else’s.
Jeff makes this site pretty darn inclusive, and I’d hate to be part of a junta that made the site exclusive based on proper usage. I would be pained to miss a Wal-Mart fashion story because a Reporter was worried about the appropriate way to make “dickweed” plural possessive.
jtb
OB12
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For Stephanie, POD from JTB, 07.26.2010
.
HARMONIUM IN SAN DIEGO
Some year I will join you at Comic-Con
And meet the writers who howl at the moon
And meet the artists who sleep ’til noon
And meet the heroes they feed upon
And sip some tea at the Palaz of Hoon
.
jtb
OB12
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I think I have told this before…..
I work for a plastic surgeon of extreme talent and oozes professionalism with his patients. On a busy clinic day, I joined him in a breast reduction consultation for a very bashful and embarrassed 16 year old girl…her mother present as well. This poor thing had enormous breasts for her age and was very self conscience.
So the doc goes into his speal about what the surgery involves, recovery, etc… At one point after he examines her, in an attempt to make her feel more confident he spews, “You know, women come into my office and pay to have “ti….”, um, er, breasts like your’s”.
The mother caught the faux pas; the girl was oblivious. I, however, almost peed my pants from holding in the laughter. Kind of like being in church when you know you can’t laught out loud…everything is that much more funny.
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This is one of my better bikerchick-ism’s…not just one foot in mouth but the entire leg….
Years ago my girlfriend talked me into attending a house warming/welcome the NEW BABY Girl party for a friend of her’s that I never really warmed up to. During the ride to the party she warned me about not being corner by this girl’s mother-in-law as she is very religious and tries to convert people to whatever religion she is and loves to discuss the Bible.
The party is very uneventful and thankfully I kept my distance and was never cornered.
As we were leaving, the girl’s husband walked us out to the car. He asked me if his mother “got a hold of me”. I said, “no, but you guys were not lying…she must be religious as hell with all the photo buttons of the pope all over her blouse.” He just blinked for a second then said, “That’s not the pope…it’s my new daughter”
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bikerchick — hahaha!
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This just in…
Proven by three days of testing…green chlie beef jerky and beer is a breakfast.
thank you for the interruption….now back to the irregularly scheduled serious comedy.
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@Bikerchick – do you get an employee discount at work? Just sayin’…
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Yup…cosmetic surgery is free to us…still have to pay anesthesia and hospital charges though.
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@ jtb: POD = Poetry On Demand (?)
What is OB12? Does it have anything to do with tampons? ‘Cause if it does, I’d rather not know…
P.S. Wallace Stevens…nice.
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@ bikerchick; That is one heck of an employee “perk”!
Does your boss perform height transplants?
Just askin’…
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Stephanie,
POD = Poem of the day, which today was written in your honor, and in honor of Comic-Con.
I never refer to tampons.
Nice pickup on Wallace Stevens. He’s my favorite. “The Emperor of Ice Cream”, “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird”, “The Palm at the End of the Mind”, “The Man With the Blue Guitar”, many others.
Sometimes it’s Lawrence Ferlinghetti, but usually it’s Mr. Stevens.
Why would you imagine I’d refer to feminine hygiene products in a comment to you?
Doesn’t matter NRA. (No Reply Anticipated)
jtb
OB12
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@ jtb: Sorry…HTR. (Had To Reply)
You signed OB12 under jtb.
OB is a brand of feminine hygiene products.
And, thank you for the POD, then!
Stephanie
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