Today I saw a headline on Drudge which featured the phrase “lab-grown vaginas,” and I didn’t even bother to click through. It was mildly intriguing, but not enough to make me want to investigate further. It’s amazing how high the bar has been set, in this internet age. Right? A news article about a team of scientists harvesting a fresh crop of vaginas from the vagina vine? Ho-hum. You’re going to have to do better than that.
Yes, how far we’ve come… When I was in sixth grade or so, a friend of mine spent an enormous amount of time and money at a seedy little carnival in our town, trying to win a deck of playing cards with photos of semi-nude women on them. He finally reached his goal, and the worker was hesitant about handing over the prize to us, because we were… you know, twelve.
Anger flashed in the eyes of my friend, and he said, “If you don’t give me those cards, I’m going to turn over your fucking trailer.” He meant it, and would have at least tried. The carny could sense that fact too, and relented. “Just don’t get me into trouble,” he muttered.
The two of us walked about a block, and ripped into that deck. The photos looked like they’d been taken around 1964, and were extremely tame. There was an occasional nipple, and that was about it. But it was super-exciting to us, and we kept giggling like Beavis and Butthead.
I also got my hands on a catalog of “naughty” novelty items somewhere, and hid it in my room for a couple of years. I don’t think there was any actual nudity inside, but TONS of innuendo. They sold things like swizzle sticks shaped like naked women, and that sort of thing. Heh. I can’t remember where it came from, but felt like a renegade every time I looked at it. And a lot of energy went into hiding it from my mother.
Later, we graduated to Playboy and Penthouse (and Swank and Oui), and had that stuff hidden all over town. There was so much planning and coordination… It might be why I worked in logistics when I grew up? Hey, I bet that’s it! It never occurred to me until now. I owe it all to porn.
One day Steve and I found a stash of filthy magazines on my paper route, like nothing we’d ever seen. I think it was foreign, possibly German. There was actual sex going on in some of the photos, and everybody looked like drug addicts. One page featured a close-up of something that resembled a plate of manicotti with Parmesan cheese on top, but was somehow human.
It was my own personal ‘Nam. Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, screaming in terror.
In any case, I’ve burned millions of calories through the years securing and hiding forbidden materials. Especially when I was young. And in 1976 I think I would’ve tunneled through a cinderblock wall to read an article about a vagina farm, or whatever. Today? I couldn’t even be bothered to click the link.
For a Question, I’d like to know about your early porn days, where you hid your stash, where you got it, etc. Also, what tame things passed for “naughty” back then? If you have any good stories to tell on those subjects, please share in the comments section below.
And have you noticed yourself becoming jaded because of the internet, and finding it more and more difficult to be surprised by things? If a person were teleported from 1975 to today, and plopped in front of a computer – what do you think would happen? Something like this? What are your thoughts? I suspect it would be too much, all at once.
Thank you guys for contributing to the Surf Report fund, yesterday and today. You’ve already gotten me out of a minor bind, and I appreciate it. I will be thanking each of you individually, but wanted to do it publicly as well. Of course, if you’d like to donate and haven’t, you still can. The Buy Jeff a Beer page never sleeps.
I hope you have a great weekend. It’s gray and rainy here: perfect!
See you again soon.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!
My porn stash was hidden within a box I had with old comics.
The good porn consisted of things a friend retrieved from his older brother.
Not much surprises me on the internet. Then, a dot t (for those who know) really desensitized any surprise I may still have left in me.
I remember buying a pen off of some kid. It was one of those that turned the woman nude when you turned upside down – or something like that.
When I worked at McDonalds in the late 1980s I once found a giant stack of porn mags in one of the outside garbage cans.
I had a safe in my closet because I was concerned about the safety of my cash and coin collection with my older brother being less than trustworthy back then.
That was the early 90’s… Then came AOL and the whole game changed. I was getting my contraband at 28 Kbps and clearing my browser history daily.
Scouring Hustler mag with boyfriend at the time and seedy movie houses on 14th street in D.C. 14 th Street. Seats were sticky. Circa 1976 . Yuck.and totally could give a rat’s ass now. Yes desensitized. Oh there was the x rated drive in State Line PA. But living on memories.
Edit……trying to get ahead of auto correct
Like every other stupid kid who thought only *he* was a genius, I hid it under my mattress. I was a bonafide centerfold from playboy with Candy Loving (25th anniversary issue)…my Mom found it and my Dad gave me a stern talking to about the value of women :). Now, I have seen so many nudies on the internet, it is kind of awesome seeing a girl in a bikini. But Candy…oh…Candy…
National Geographic and the “naked natives” therein were my first porn in the late 60’s early 70’s.
Same here. I don’t know what I found more fascinating – the naked people or the bones through the lips and the plates up their necks.
First porn exposure was through tattered and torn remains of several old Playboys that had been scattered around the school playground. Several 5th grade recesses were spent surreptisiously (sp?) searching for and trying to piece together an entire centerfold. I used to like to read the X-Rated movie ads in the local paper, too. Friends and I would naively speculate over what the difference between X and XXX was, and marvel at the occasional “Title Censored” that would show up.
Ahh, the late 70’s and hanging at the bowling ally. Someone would get bored and yell “Hey! Lets go watch the fuck films” and off we’d go to the Dixie Lee Drive In. The underage had to drive through the exit to get in and the management didnt care. A friend of mind was barfing in the ladies room (she was a light weight and I wouldn’t accompany her) and the first woman voted to the city counsel was there and offered to hold her hair back. We morned the ” the night they tore ole Dixie down”
There’s another story lost to time. Drive-In movie theaters that showed porn films. I remember those.
Was this the Dixie Lee Drive In in west Knox County, TN? I grew up near there, though it sounds like it was probably already closed down by the time I would’ve been old enough to get in (or even sneak in).
I found a paper grocery bag full of Playboys and a couple of Penthice when I was about 13. What an amazing treasure for a young feller. Before that, such things were just legends, told in whispers.
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What was inconceivably naughty back in my early years? Blow Jobs. I just couldn’t believe that people would do that sort of thing.
Jeez, am I the only teenage male that despised porn in any form? Yeah, glad you didn’t believe that. Though, I quickly found it distasteful and exploitative and truly no substitute for the real McCoy.
It’s not, but if you had said McCoy available at age 14, then I am deeply jealous.
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I forget what the circumstances were – either my sister or one of her friends getting married but somehow a Playgirl ended up in our house. And a bunch of us, including my mother, hid ourselves up in our bedroom howling with laughter. I distinctly remember my mother saying “That can’t be real! It looks like a hose!” Good – no – GREAT times!
It’s a smoking fish!
http://www.dumpaday.com/random-pictures/random-pictures-day-77-pics-3/attachment/a-pictures-42-2/
I’ll be honest with you guys, I’ll sometimes look at titties and what have you on the internet. 2 girls 1 cup ruined my life. And I’ve seen lots of videos of people blowing their brains out and shit like that, which, strangely, makes me hard (not really).
We stole some magazines from my step dad when my mom kicked him out of the house. He was into some weird shit (we thought). One magazine just full of black girls. Another one full of pregnant girls with giant sascrotches and unshaven pits, stuff like that.
My dad had a hidden stash in the upstairs linen closet way up on the top shelf with some towels piled in front of it. Early days it was Playboy. Then, he switched to Penthouse early Eighties?
They were delivered in a plain brown kraft envelope by U S Mail. Of course, he thought nobody knew what it was.
I think every neighborhood kid knew they were there, including my younger sister’s friends.
It’s Tuesday, April 15, 2014. I have no comments on last week’s porn topic, but I’m finishing a book about the Fugs and the 60s by Ed Sanders and feel a need to forward his wisdom…
““No country that invented the wah-wah pedal could be totally evil.” …..Ed Sanders
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jtb
Today would be a good day to do your taxes if you haven’t done so yet.
My best friends dad got him a subscription to Playboy for his 18th birthday and renewed it for 20 years or so. My friend bought magazine library boxes and kept the mags in pristine condition. The collection is probably the entire 80s and 90s. I figure those would fetch a pretty penny.
My bedroom had a suspended ceiling, and I hid my stuff in the ceiling. I’m actually kinda worried (not really) because my parents are almost finished building their new house, at which point Dad will turn the old house into his garage/doghouse/etc. If he tears out the suspended ceiling, for all I know there still might be something there! 🙂