We (Toney) took our dog Andy to the vet on Thursday, and the hound was given a clean bill of health. The only negatives: he’s slightly overweight, and has dry skin.
“Have you noticed him scratching a lot lately?” the doctor asked.
“Noticed? I feel like throwing him off the Empire State Building most of the time,” Toney said.
The doc laughed and said it’s triggered by the season, and the scratching should stop soon. And just for the record, I don’t much care for jokes about Andy-murder. Know what I mean? 9/11? I’ll let it slide. Cancer? OK. But the murder of Blacks Lips Houlihan? Over the line.
In any case, Toney has now removed Andy’s collar, because the tags jingle when he’s scratching. I barely even notice, but it makes my wife crazy. She sometimes sits bolt upright in bed, in the middle of the night, swearing the jingle-jangle woke her up.
I don’t get it. She doesn’t notice the eye-watering, windpipe-closing Axe funk of all the Secrets’ friends, or the creaking door voice of teenage girls everywhere, but if Andy happens to bang his tags together on the other end of the house, her eyes go blood-red and she starts concocting wild murder fantasies.
A couple of other vet-related developments I don’t much care for:
He gave Andy some sort of shot that’s only required once every four years, and said, “Well, big guy, this’ll probably be the last one of these you’ll ever need.” WTF?? He’s only eight years old. And he’s already being written off? Why would a person make such a statement? I still can’t believe it, and can’t stop thinking about it, either. Why does everybody want my dog dead??
The doctor also shaved Andy’s ass again. Every time he goes to the vet they shave him down, and he walks around with a butthole that can be spotted from aircraft. Here’s what I wrote about it last time, and it’s no different this time around. The poor guy… It’s like his ass is emitting light.
The yurt experience was a good one, even better than last time, I think. I’m not a fast writer, never have been, but do much better in a quiet setting, with no internet. I wish I could do one more session, but the campground is now closed. Sunday was the last day.
When I arrived on Thursday, the pod next to mine was occupied, and at first glance I thought it was a gang of hillbillies. I saw a lot of unkempt facial hair, overalls, flannel shirts, etc. So much for quiet, I thought.
But I heard them tell a passerby about the history of “Mongolian yurts,” and one of them later broke out an acoustic guitar and commenced to strumming. And I said, “Hey, those aren’t hillbillies, they’re hippies!”
I feel a little a little dirty and ashamed of myself, but I was greatly relieved. Under the circumstances I much preferred hippies to hillbillies. It wasn’t even close.
Because if it had been hillbillies there would’ve been a lot of rebel-yelling, engine-revving, screen door-slamming, commercial country, gunfire, and possibly a pig roast — complete with mouth-apple.
The hippies just softly played a guitar, and ate trail mix, or whatever. And I can live with that.
So, what do you think? Should I feel bad that I sided with the hippies inside my head? What’s your opinion on this most pressing of issues? Hippies or hillbillies? Which way would you have leaned?
And just so you know, I peed in the woods while I was at the yurt. Directly across the street was a bathhouse, but on Friday (I think) a man was cleaning it, and had hung a CLOSED sign on the door.
I’d had almost an entire pot of Eight O’clock coffee, and it was turning into an urgent matter. So I found a spot where I thought I’d be shielded from both nearby roads, and let it go, straight into a bush.
It was kinda fun. I’m not often in a situation where out-of-doors urination is feasible, so there was a certain novelty value to it. It’s probably been years…
Oh, every once in a while I get the urge to pee off our deck, just to see how much distance I can get on it, but I’m always afraid the wind will shift and it’ll blow against Half-Shirt’s siding. But other than that, it’s something that almost never crosses my mind.
Do you have any interesting outdoor peeing stories to tell us? If so, let ‘er rip in the comments. Just like I did into that tall bush on Friday. Crapping stories, as always, are welcome as well.
And I’m going to call it a day, my friends. It’s almost time for another fulfilling and exhilarating day at work! My nipples are exploding with delight.
See ya tomorrow.
Woop
Two. Just because I can.
One time when I was about 10 years old I went for a piss outside and caught some poison ivy in the breeze (I guess) and my dick swelled up like a sweet potato. The next morning I had to go to the doctor. I’ve had a life long fear of poison ivy ever since, but you know that I’ve not had once incident in about 25 years? Maybe it’s an irrational fear, maybe not. When you see you dick looking like a pink spud, you get worried. At least I do.
Hippies vs hillbillies, I don’t know. Depends on the situation I guess. I’d rather have the hillbillies if I was there to eat, the hippies if I was there to relax.
4? YEA!!! First time inthe top 5!
Cinco?
Hippies- annoying as they might be- are certainly better close neighbors than hillbillies. Now, if you need a stump pulled or something, it’s a completely different story.
As to your vet, I guess we know why he’s not a people doctor, “Well Gramps, we could replace that heart valve, but is there really any reason to? I mean, tick-tock, amIright?”
Last time I peed outside was just over a week ago, while tailgating for a football game… I couldn’t waste time searching for a port-a-potty, since I had all sorts of important things on my To Do list.
To Do: Finish six-pack. And liter of vodka.
I was a hippee so I go with them. I had to pee really bad a few years ago and I knew the floors were being waxed in the can. I was out in the garage and there was a big tree next to it. So I went behind the tree where no neighbors could see. Half way through my relieving session a neighborhood girl came around the back of my house??( I have no idea why) and stopped to watch me. I looked up and she was just standing watching. I pulled in quick and said sorry. She just said ” oh no problem” and turned and left. I thought for sure the police would be there in no time. Nothing was ever said about it. Last time I did that there for sure… I pee off the side of my boat all the time way out in the ocean though. Nobody there to see that though.
Jason,
Your so-called dick must have looked more like a pig in the blanket than a potato. Sorry I didn’t show up to the bowling alley to get killed by you the other night. I was running your wife through instead. I broke her hymen. You must have a tiny cock. Jesus Crow.
(sigh). Enough of this.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
In comparing Hippies vs. Hillbillies, ask yourself:
“Would you rather fuck or fight?”
I’ve mixed and mingled with both and I can say I’ve never had a problem or any type of confrontations with the hippie crowd.
Hillbillies, on the other hand, are always looking for a reason to get into an altercation of some kind….
I’ve got to vote “hells yeah” for peeing outside. Something about it is just liberating. Except for that one time on 3rd street, the pedestrians weren’t exactly thrilled.
I am a practised hand at peeing outdoors. I tent-camp. As a Man, you have a right, and a duty, to treat the world as your urinal.
Plus, my “antibiotics” give me a thirty minute pee timer. It’s like flipping over one of those sand timers, inexorable, inevitable, and annoying.
I reduced my mass by 1/3 in 2009. This required that I actually exercise. Excersise required more than 30 minutes of time on the Bike Trail. You do the urinalysis.
Who had the better weed, you or the hippies?
I got my Rifles CD today, and it is good. It’s almost like 80’s Punk Rock exploded in my mouth listening to it!
Perhaps the vet is injecting Andy with Axe, and knows that when he gets to 12 he’ll have outgrown that stuff?
I have never peed in my yard. It’s big and wooded enough that I could pee without concern of a neighbor noticing but I’ve never done it. I’ve even come back into the house while working outside just for a pee. I’m kind of embarrassed now that I think about it – I might just have to go and piss out there on this sunny afternoon.
I piss in my yard and woods all the time. Don’t tell my wife.
Mother in law is right out of the sticks and use to regularly persuade my son to ‘pee out the camp fire’ when he was younger. Used to rile me up something awful…I wasn’t having any of it. Guess it stuck…he’ll be indoors and actually go outside to relieve himself at times. I don’t get any of it…
Jeff,
Saw a helpful hint over the weekend for the dog tags. Get the color-coded key covers from the hardware store and secure around the tags. That should stop the jingling.
I have to agree that if it is a matter of close proximity and quiet, the hippies win hands down. As long as you are up wind and don’t have to smell the patchouli.
Peeing outdoors is not easy for us ladies, unless we get naked from the waist down. Messy business.
The first time Wally drug me to a campground that had no outhouses, I wanted to kill him. Communing with nature by digging a hole to shit in is not my idea of a good time.
Piss in the backyard every morning, when having the morning smokes and coffee, as to not wake up the kids. Having them catch me with anyhing but the coffee would wreck their little minds.
Used to piss in my bosses coffee at the last job. He drank it like nothing happened. Also put eye drops in his coffee a lot.
On IPOD right now- “Soul Crusher”- White Zombie
Still top 20!!!
Ah, Hillbillies, another fine Scottish export!
Not that we’ve got any left here (hillbilies that is), but I’d say I still prefer them to hippies in the short term, just for pure novelty value.
From what I’ve seen of them on movies and TV they do seem fairly exciting.
A hillbilly menu would probably beat a hippy menu (meat v humous!) too.
For a longer term ‘relationship’ I’d have to go hippy everytime. I think it would just be easier. Though the chance to talk about ‘that time when Zebediah’s illegal still exploded’ would need to be sacrificed for the gentle strum of the sitar!
@amos.
Peeing on a fire releases a smell that is pure evil. Nothing smells worse.
It smells like the Devils foreskin!
Bad.
I’m a chick. The last time I peed outside I had been driving at night with a male friend — I was like, “Sure, dude, pull over! I’m no princess!” etc. etc. Unfortunately, I lost my footing when I yanked down my panties and went tumbling 10 feet through the bramble and down into an unseen riverbed. Our next stop was the pharmacy for a box of ass-size bandages. Now you can be sure that all my urine goes through modern plumbing.
And since I grew up among cat-shooting hillbillies, I feel qualified in choosing hippies for my campground companions. Kumbaya!
Hippies any day. One of the reasons we’re shortly moving is so my daughter won’t go to school with the spawn of the small number of knuckledragging hillbillies that still reside in this school district.
I forgot to chime in on hillbillys. I wonder if redneck falls under the rubric of hillbilly? There have been times when I could have drunk Hank Williams, Jr under the tale, and fallen down mere hours before Hemingway.
I was burning some scrap wood in a metal barrrel, but the fire wouldn’t get burning good. I got out the the .22 and fired some fifty bullets through the barrel. Shoot ten, reload the magazine, wee. The fire picked up noticeably.
Before I moved to the megalopolis of Cincinnati, I lived outside of town. Town had 5000 souls. Since it was MT, I guess I was a badlandsbilly.
I do have bona fide VA Hillbilly creds. I lived in Goochland County, VA. They called us Geech. I shot many groundhogs and rabbits. I ate the bunnies, with a microbrew, or bud light or Ice House depending on when I got paid next.
I am still torn, as I knew many hot hippie chicks in Seattle. Can I be the Hillbilly with the hot hippie chick from Oregon? Am I breaking the ruies?.
One afternoon when I was in highschool, my brothers in middle and grade school, my mother decided to teach said brothers a lesson. Instead of walking to the bathroom, they’d just walk into the backyard and let it go. She popped a squat and started to say, there how do you like it when I do it but was interrupted my an overwhelming need to shit. Out popped the turd and any dignity she had left!
While searching for my first house, I made a point to wander outside to find a suitable spot to pee prior to any major decisions. I finally got caught by my wife and realtor. My wife rolled her eyes, and the realtor just laughed.
I’d say I pee outside on average of 5 times a week. It’s a must.
Hippe every time. Hell, I’m married to one.
TaraWV –
too funny? Did she then start scratching up grass between her legs with her feet?
Peeing in the woods is something that all of us can do as individuals to combat global climate change, fight for human rights and social justice, end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and rid the world of communism once and for all.
And it feels good, too.
My uncles used to go out behind the barn and see who could pee the highest on the side of it. Family legend has it that their sister finally went out with them and peed higher than any of them. Seeing her now in her 80’s and missing a boob, it was hard to wrap my tiny mind around the position and force that feat would have required. I have argued it for years, but all involved continue to stick to the story.
I guess I’d rather live next to hippies, but if there had to be conversation, I’d much rather do it hillbillies. We’d have fewer arguments.
do it with hillbillies. sorry for the confusion.
The best are football tailgates when it rains. You put your big yellow poncho on and you can basically pee wherever you want.
Jeff, You might be confusing “hillbillies” with “rednecks”. Most hillbillies I know are good, salt of the earth people.
Most hippies I know are just stomach churning imbeciles.
The redneck likes to drink, fight and f*ck, so watch out for THAT type. 🙂
Well…you see more hillbillies on Cops…or is that Rednecks? Is there a discernible difference? So I guess I’d say Hippies. Although you gotta watch out for the Body Buddies they carry…I hear they can jump 5 feet or more.
Back to the Shadows again.
Out where an Injuns yer friend.
Where the vegetables are green,
And you can pee right into the stream.
(And thats important).
Back to the Shadows again.
~ Evil Twin’s Wife
I am guilty of equating hillbilly to redneck. I believe there is a difference too…… just sayin’
Ha ha, JC. I do believe a leaf was used to tidy up!
Hillbillies…far more entertaining.
For the noisy dog tags – the major chain pet stores (Petsmart/Petco and the like) sell little plastic dog tag covers that fit around the outside of the tag. Works wonderfully to stop the noise. Just like the key chain cover that sonigirl6 suggested, but the pet store has covers that are shaped like the dog tags (the ubiquitous bone for instance). I think they are .99 per cover – definately worth the price.
I’d like to see a hybrid “Hipbilly” or “Hillbippy”…I would be amused by the contradictions of jacked up eco-cars with rebel flags, fair trade bib-overalls, soy based moonshine, or even a Skynard inspired peace circle where you can yell “Freebird! Woooosah!” Either way, someone is gonna get laid and/or pregnant.
Peeing outdoors is good for the soul.
Don’t really know any hippies or hillbillies but I’ve been around enough rednecks to know they can be fun but they ain’t a quittin’ till someone gits hert or kilt. Usually preceded by hey y’all watch this! (apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I think?)
Fuck you word press error!
I regulalry pee outside. I’m a man. The world is my toilet.
I’ve pooped outdoors as well but it was an emergency. A friend who is a runner has pooped in boxes in alleys, on lawns while runining in the wee hours, in a carwash once and two times he’s accidentally sharted in healthclub showers.
As far as hillbillies go, I’m with ETW. Hillbillies yes, rednecks not so much.
And as we all should know by now, there are 3 things I can’t stand:
Cats
HIPPIES
the French
because they’re dirty,
@Chuck in Belpre….my mother was a bozoette in high school!
I camp and hike a lot so yes and yes.
I bought this book in a National Park Ranger Station in Williams, AZ on my way to Grand Canyon a few years back…http://www.amazon.com/How-Shit-Woods-Environmentally-Approach/dp/0898156270
Crap…screwwd up the link I guess. “How to Shit in the Woods”…amazon has it.
Twice I’ve been hassled by the cops for pissing outside. Once was against a govt. building in Newport, KY after a Drams show. The next was on a dumpster behind a 7-11 which was right across from where the cops stake out drunks. That one sucked.
Nothing came out of either one, so to speak. But that officer (Newport, Officer Hoppius) did arrest me about a year later on an unrelated charge. Good times.
I don’t understand why it’s wrong to piss on a dumpster.
Probably hippies. I’ve banged both.
the best way to get a girl to stop talking about herbal remedies and Phish is to stick a cock in their mouth.
i would think that the possibility of the wind blowing urine onto Half-shirt’s siding would be incentive to pee outside.
I think pissing on a dumpster is a right, so says our Constitution. I think it’s Article 11, or something like that – don’t bother me about it.
Next time someone gives you shit about pissing on a dumpster say, “Constitution! I got my rights!” If that don’t work then you should point at your own chest while saying, “I PAY my taxes, I PAY my taxes, motherfucker!” I think one or the other should work.
This was the longest day ever. Tomorrow I turn 34! Woo! I’ll have a chili dog for breakfast and maybe I’ll be nekkid all day. Because, you know, I PAY my taxes, motherfucker, I PAY my taxes. Love yall.
A travelling saleslady comes to a hillbilly shed late one afternoon. The two brothers that live there say that she can stay the night if she likes. They have only one bed but plenty of moonshine so the evening passes quite nicely. As the saleslady settles down for the night between the two hillbilly brothers she asks if they’s like to have sex with her. The brothers say “Hells, Yeah !” and she says they will each have to wear a condom. The brothers ask why and she explains that their wearing the condoms means that she won’t get pregnant. They comply and all three have a heck of a night and the saleslady leaves the next morning.
A couple of months go by and older brother asks the younger brother if he cares if the saleslady gets pregnant. Younger brother answers that he doesnt care at all. The older brother replies ” I don’t care either — let’s take these condoms off ! ”
I don’t have any hippie jokes.
Al Gore.
Pedophile. Interweb. Lover.