He began walking around the house all low to the ground, like a bear rug, and yelping for no apparent reason. At one point he acted like he didn’t even recognize us, and was cowering in the downstairs bathroom – where he never goes, because of chronic bath-fear.
It was a disturbing, and concerning turn of events.
After the behavior continued for an hour or so, we decided to take him to the vet. And the dog doc couldn’t figure it out, either. He took some blood, but all the tests came back negative. The hound’s temperature was elevated, for some reason, and he “gave” us some antibiotics in case there was a virus or infection, or somesuch.
And the next day it was as if nothing had happened. Andy (Black Lips Houlihan) was his old self again, on perpetual high-alert for that most hated of creatures: uniformed delivery personnel. We were relieved, but what the hell? What was it all about??
A week or so later Toney mentioned it to one of her Pennsylvania buddies, and she said their dog had recently gone through the very same thing. They also took her to the vet, with the same results, for the exact same amount of money. And both are indoor dogs, who almost never mingle with the general doggie population. What the crap? It’s just bizarre. Someone call Art Bell, straigh’ away!
Anyway, the vet took Andy’s temperature that day by jamming a thermometer up his poop chute. …Well, since he’s a dog, it wasn’t really up, it was more of a horizontal motion. But you know what I mean.
And before the jamming commenced, the doctor also shaved the fur from around Black Lips’, um, pucker. Oh, the indignity! And even now, weeks later, Andy’s butthole can be spotted from a full city block away.
I’m not kidding, it’s like a spotlight is trained on it, or the hole itself is housing a light-emitting diode. I asked Toney if she’d noticed the veterinarian installing a single Christmas light in Andy’s ass, but she wouldn’t even discuss it with me. Apparently she thought I was just being ridiculous.
But I wasn’t, I’m serious. I believe it’s putting off light. Sometimes, when it’s dark in our house, I believe I can see a floating dog anus moving through the rooms. And mister, that’ll get your attention.
I don’t think Andy knows what’s happening, and I’m glad. I mean, how humiliating… But at the same time, if there’s a house fire, or some similar emergency in the middle of the night, we’ll probably be able to follow the light through the smoke. So, there’s that, at least.
But how long does it usually take for canine hole-fur to grow back? I’m embarrassed for our beloved family pet, unknowingly prancing around the front yard with a pulsing under-tail beacon… The other dogs in the neighborhood are probably bark-laughing at him, and creating hurtful nicknames. Like “Brake Lights,” and whatnot.
I’m seriously thinking about coming to his rescue, and coloring it in with a Magic Marker.
But I haven’t yet made a final decision.