There’s a website out there, where wild websites roam, that reports on the wacky things a man supposedly says in his sleep every night. The guy’s wife records the comedy, we’re told, and posts his best nocturnal pearls of wisdom to the internet every day.
And excuse me for being skeptical… but I don’t believe a word of it. The needle on my boolshit meter is dancing around like crazy. I suspect they’re attempting to create another ShitMyDadSays, which is also a dubious exercise, in my opinion. But at least that one’s funny…
In any case, it got me to thinking about the weird stuff that happens while we’re sleeping. Sleep is creepy, of course, but it sometimes gets even creepier — because of the tricks some of us perform while in a dormant state. Shit!
I don’t believe I talk in my sleep; nobody’s ever complained about it, anyway. And I certainly don’t sleepwalk. I’ve only seen that happen on TV shows, and the person is always wearing pajamas, and stumbling around with their arms stretched out in front of them.
I’m much too cool for such shenanigans, thank you very much.
Do any males between the ages of, say, 9 and 85 wear pajamas at this point? Somehow I doubt it. The idea of putting on a full set of clothes before going to bed, featuring a collared button-up shirt with a pocket on the front, makes me laugh. What’s the pocket for? To store an emergency sack of Combos, or something?
No, I’m strictly an underwear and t-shirt kinda guy. It’s the least I can wear, and still feel at-ease. I simply cannot endorse free-range genitalia while unconscious. Anything could go wrong. Ya know?
And I’d like to think I’d never walk around the house with my arms outstretched, like some kind of foo’. So, sleepwalking is out, on principle.
I guess the closest I come to funny sleeping tricks is snoring. Everybody says I snore, including the neighbors and pilots of passing aircraft. So, apparently it’s true? I’ve never heard myself snore, and used to doubt it, but there seems to be an awful lot of evidence to the contrary.
Toney’s even gone so far as to suggest I visit one of those sleep clinics, where they hook all kinds of diodes to your body, and videotape you thrashing around in the bedclothes from above. You can probably guess my answer to that one. Ha!
Everybody I’ve ever known who’s gone to one of those places is now required to wear a full World War I gas mask to bed, or something very similar. I don’t think so. Jeff Kay does not strap apparatus to his head, before turning in for the night.
So, except for the snoring, I’m a fairly boring sleeper, I believe. When I was young I did have a couple of disturbing dreams that I still remember, 35 years (or so) later. And they’re probably the most remarkable sleep stories I can offer.
The first was a vivid nightmare in which both my parents were killed in a nightclub fire in South America, possibly Brazil. The setting is laughable, of course. My parents have rarely set foot outside the southeastern United States, and aren’t really the nightclub types, either. But the dream was so real I remember many details from it, even today. Scary.
Another happened on more than one occasion, and was also terrifying. I was still asleep (I guess) but dreamed I’d just snapped awake — completely paralyzed. I laid there trying to move my body, and couldn’t. And I’d try to scream for my parents, but couldn’t do that, either.
Then I’d wake up for real, my heart hammering in my chest. This probably happened to me five or six times, all prior to fifth grade, when we moved to a different house. Have you ever had this dream? I’m not a fan.
Do you perform funny tricks in your sleep? What about people you know, or have known? Do you know someone who sleepwalks, for instance, or talks in their sleep? Did you have a dream or nightmare decades ago, that still affects you today? Have you ever visited a sleep clinic?
If you have anything on any of these subjects, or even if you don’t, please use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Have a great day, my friends!