Deceiving Buildings, and Other Stuff
My new Droid arrived yesterday afternoon, and it was literally just the phone itself. There was no charger, memory card, battery, or even a back to hold the battery in place. Apparently I’m supposed to strip the original phone, like I’m running a chop-shop, and use all those parts?
Once I activated the new phone, and plugged in my gmail username/password, my contacts were imported automatically. And I went to the Droid Market, pulled up the list of previously-downloaded apps, and grabbed the ones I wanted. The two that had cost me money were free this time ’round.
So, I’m back in business. But… the important calls I’m waiting for still haven’t come in. Apparently it doesn’t matter which phone I’m using, as far as that goes. <Sigh>
The younger Secret told me he knows someone, a classmate of his, who uses internet/texting lingo in real life. For instance, he might say, “OMG, I can’t believe you just said that!” Literally saying the letters O, M, and G.
He is also reportedly very fond of the phrase “epic fail.” And I hate to say this about an eleven year old, but wotta douche.
My brother is in the process of scanning hundreds of old slides that my grandfather took during the ’60s and ’70s, and preserving the photos digitally. Some of them are pretty mind-blowing, and I’ll undoubtedly share a few with you in the near future.
But while looking at the pictures, I’m reminded of a dream I’ve been harboring for several years.
My maternal grandparents lived across the street from us when I was a kid, in a house they had build in the mid-1950s. They lived there until their deaths, and only one other person has called it home, so far. The one-legged woman who bought it from my mother and aunt…
And you might (or might not) remember me ranting about it, but the woman nearly burned it to the ground. She had lighted candles on her end-table, was changing her bedding, and tossed dirty sheets onto a couch — and across one of the candles.
There was extensive damage, and for a few days we didn’t know if the place could be saved. We thought they were going to have to bulldoze it, which made me sad. But, thankfully, they were able to do reconstructive surgery, and the house is still standing.
During my original post about all this, I wrote something along the lines of “why does a one-legged woman need to burn candles, anyway?!” And I stand by that statement.
But back to my dream… I’d love to someday buy that place, and turn it into a writing cabin/Dunbar getaway. I’d have all the carpet removed, the hardwood floors repaired, and all manner of electronics installed. It’s a great little house… or at least it used to be.
I like the idea of the outside looking like it always has, but the inside completely high-tech and computered-up. Maybe someday…
Have you ever been in a place like that? A building that appeared fairly nondescript on the outside, but unbelievable on the inside? I have.
When I worked my previous job, at a DVD manufacturing plant the size of a town (indeed, it has its own dedicated zip code), I was taken to a building in nearby Olyphant. It’s where the graphic artists worked, the folks who designed the menu pages on DVDs, and all that jazz.
The building was beside some railroad tracks, and looked like a body shop or something. I was confused. It looked kinda dumpy, and warehouse-like. Fancy-pants artists work here??
And then we walked inside, and I was floored. It was like the freaking Taj Mahal in there. I’m serious, it was as fancy as any Manhattan office building I’ve seen in real life, or on TV. Dark wood floors… expensive modern furniture… framed art on the walls… high-dollar rugs everywhere…
It was amazing. On the outside it looked like a place you might take your car to have its windshield replaced. And completely high-end on the inside.
I feel like a broken record, but this weather is ruining my life. I hate it, so very deeply. I’m gonna call it a day now, and go horizontal near one of the Soviet humboxes.
Have a great weekend, boys and girls.
I’ll be back on Monday.
Now playing in the bunker
Follow the Surf Report at Twitter!
Filed under: Daily
1st?
[Reply]
Deuce!!!
[Reply]
Have a beer Jeff, it will take your mind off the weather. Have 10 and it will take your mind off everything!
[Reply]
Stay cool. If you’d like me to send you some ice or luggage, just whistle…jtb
[Reply]
, just whistle, dick.
[Reply]
Just to be sure I’ve got this right: your big dream is to have a clubhouse in Dunbar, WV? Dare to dream, big man!
On a less douchy note, I’m sure if you keep your eyes open, the place will come up as a sheriff’s sale.
[Reply]
So, I read Jeff’s indication (yesterday) that an update will be “probably Sunday”, so I write a lengthy comment on yesterday’s post, hit “Submit”, and find that the world (or at least the WVSR world. Obviously not mine.) has moved on. And I’m not even first.
Life’s so unfair.
[Reply]
Chuck stopped complaining about the heat several days ago. Could someone do a walk-through to make sure he still has a pulse. I know he’s been commenting, but I think there’s a real possibility that the oven-like temps boiled his blood and turned him into the undead. Perhaps we should throw a preemptive wake just in case.
Chuck, I worry about you less when you complain than when you don’t. Please keep cool, either for survival or, failing that, in preparation for cryogenic tissue preservation.
jtb
[Reply]
I used to work in a data center for an IT company. We hired a company to store backup computer tapes in a safe off-site location. Once per quarter someone would have to go to their location and do an audit of the vault. Their one-story building was maybe 40×40 feet, brick, absolutely no windows, a heavy steel door, barbed wire to keep people from climbing onto the roof. Security cameras pointed in every direction. I was expecting the inside to be like NASA or the Pentagon, with a wall of monitors showing what the cameras were seeing, fingerprint readers, and retina scanners. But when you got inside, it was just rack after rack of computer tapes, disks, and boxes of documents. Very disappointing.
[Reply]
Hell, Jeff. I’d mail you a block of ice and some cash, but you still don’t have a street address. Any chance of at least getting a CIA drop site? Still waiting, still hoping.
jtb
[Reply]
It’s my grandparents’ house, in my hometown. I’d like to have it, to use and to keep out of the less respectful hands of others. What’s douchey about that? Jesus. Some days I feel like pulling this fucking thing down.
[Reply]
I’ve always wanted a small place off the grid to read, maybe take up writing, stock pile supplies and design barricades for the zombie invasion. Just a basic but comfortable self sustaining cabin. Maybe some day.
We moved from the big city to a much smaller city an hour away. It would have been cool to have kept that apartment for overnight stays in the big city; for when the boy went to college instead of paying for residence; for the nights when I’m too tired to drive home; for guests; for when I need a break.
Hey was someone on here freaked out about clowns? Enjoy.
http://clownfails.cheezburger.com/
[Reply]
My brother lives in a converted standalone garage – it still looks like a ramshackle garage on the outside but it’ll knock your eyes out on the inside. He is a craftsman finish carpenter and has transformed the place. It suits his personality to a tee – he doesn’t really like to be around people and can be perceived as an asshole sometimes, but is a wonderful softy on the inside.
I’ve tried to bribe him to come up North to WV to help us with our house but I can’t get him to budge from his sanctuary.
Hope your calls come quickly, Jeff.
[Reply]
Was dogberryjr referring to his own comments as douchey since he was (I think) pulling your chain?
dbjr? we’re you chain pulling?
[Reply]
Jeff,
In response to your comment, I think all comments but one have been supportive of your intention/hope of acquiring the grandparents house. If I could have afforded to purchase either of my grandparents’ houses I would have done so. On the maternal side, Grandpa Jack hand built the house from bottom to top. I’d love to own that beautiful structure today. Hang in there…jtb
[Reply]
No, no, Jeff, I was calling myself douchy for (seeming to) mock your dream. Sorry if it came out differently.
[Reply]
Jeff,
Not sure if I’m reading this right, but I think dogberry was referring to his comment as being douchey. Not your plans.
I think the dunbar yurt away from yurt sounds pretty cool. Plus proximity to hillbilly hot dogs.
[Reply]
Alice, you triggered a happy memory.
You reminded me that my Uncle had a place in the country on about 22 acres with a stream. Rather than build new re recycled an old garage and kitted it our inside with a wood stove and comfy chairs. I remember my aunt and grandmother cooking on an old black wood stove outside.
I used to love going to “the farm”. I found when he died that he had already sold it – it would have been nice to buy it with my family.
[Reply]
I’d love to buy the house my grandfather built in VA. He designed and built it. There is/was also a ‘cement pond’ out back and a bomb shelter, both of which he also built.
After the grands moved my family lived there until I was 7, so it passed out of family hands in about 1968. I google maps it frequently to check up on it from up here in the Pierogi Belt and to see if has by chance gone on the market. The neighborhood down where it sits is not very ‘upstanding’ anymore, so I don’t know if I’d actually put out $$ for it IF I had the opportunity but I like the daydream…
Enjoy yours too!
[Reply]
On your comment about pulling this fucker down (due to the butt-knuckle up top), and in reference to your troubles with Buttmunch McVerizon at the half-assed phone store; I use a very similar phrase.
“I’ll buy this place and burn it down. Then no one will have a job and no one will have any money.”
It usually sets people straight, or at least gets them back in line a little. They seem to think I actually have the cash to purchase the facility in question and set fire to it. It isn’t a threat to business or life or anything since in the presented condition you would be the owner and would presumably obtain the required municipal destruction and burning permits.
So next time there is too much meat on your Subway lettuce sandwich, or Pimple Face McGee claims you are a liar just bellow out;
“This is horseshit! I’ll buy this place and burn it down! We’ll see whose phone gets wet when the fire department’s spraying 10,000 gallons of water all over your face and neck!”
[Reply]
Wow. Jeff threatens to pull the site down and the scrambling begins. That’s power man. I wish I had some. I would abuse and squander all of it.
[Reply]
…and as far as doing the “OMG” thing…the only acronym I ever use is
F U
[Reply]
As a kid, growing up in the South, I’d spend weeks of my summer vacation at my Grandparents farm, just fishing, exploring barns & outbuildings, riding an ancient horse around their 50-something acres. The horse would just walk and I’d just go along for the ride, never really caring where he took me. It didn’t seem that special at the time but ,now, I realize what an idyllic childhood I had.
After my Grandparents died, the farm got sold off & I hear now that the old farmhouse is just falling down. The man that bought the land just plants crops but doesn’t live there.
I would love to buy that place, fix it up and just spend summer afternoons sitting on the front porch or playing in the creek.
[Reply]
Fun Underwear?
[Reply]
fuzzy uvulas
[Reply]
Hot Fuzz,
How about GFY?
[Reply]
I work in a building that is really old and plain on the outside it is an old factory abotu 200 years old in fact but a few years ago we had a major multi million dollar renovation to the inside so it is all modern and wood and stone and beautiful inside. Oddly i have worked in this building since is was 18 so i have seen it transformed many times.
[Reply]
“GFY” is a good one.
I hate typing out “Yogurt”
[Reply]
I hate saying yogurt, and hate watching people eat it. It’s like watching people eat melted ice cream. Blurgh.
My parents house looks like 2 houses on the outside but it’s actually 2 houses combined into one big frankenhouse.
[Reply]
What the hell is going on in the bunker cam!?!
That isn’t the proper way to utilize anything in that picture.
[Reply]
I’d love to own the old family home, never going to have that chance. My grandparent’s would have been my next choice. It was for sale about a year ago, $9,000. We looked at it, it was falling apart, mold climbing the walls, all you could do with it is bulldoze it. Broke my heart.
[Reply]
Jeff, I think that is the coolest dream to have! I seriously hope someday you can make it come true.
As for me, I grew up in a little farming community, and all me and my friends wanted was for our town to grow and become bigger than our arch-rival town 5 miles away. Well, thanks to to high tech, the place has gone from 500 people when I was 10 years old, to around 40,000 now that I’m 50. I would love to but the modest house on one acre that my folks bought for $7000 back in 1964…but I’d have to win the lottery first.
[Reply]
A 200 year old factor? What were they making, powdered wigs?
[Reply]
My daughter says OMG. She is 9. It was cute the first time.
I would have loved to buy my grandparents house and the timing was almost right; the family sold it about 6 months before I bought my first home. Alas, it sold for 50% more than what I could afford and I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) ask my family to “subsidize” the purchase…the money is needed to support my grandmother in a nursing home.
I missed yesterday so…accomplishments by 23:
-dropped out of university
-one DUI
-over 30 concerts, including both Tool and Pantera in clubs
-spent night in drunk tank covered in my own puke and urine (a judge later dropped the charges, he was sympathetic to “21st birthday”, “out with the boys” and “tequila”)
-had an awesome three year relationship (she picked me up from the drunk tank with a fresh change of clothes!) that ran it’s course but she is a great girl and it was a great life experience
-got my first full time job, making real money
-got my first Mustang GT, a 1995 5.0 with a supercharger
-rented a house with a couple good friends, it was mostly calm during the week but a non-stop party every weekend, another great life experience
-my “number” went from 4 (see great girl above) to the double digits (see car and party house above)
[Reply]
Jeff,
I actually love and agree with that idea. The first house I remember living in as a kid was pretty shabby on the outside. Ugly brown brick, grey roof, and one thing I distinctly remember is the poo green tiles, and poo green refridgerator in the kitchen. The house was virtually a dump. The woman that lived in before let her cats pee in all closets, there was ant infestation in my bedroom…My dad, being a contractor, ended up reenovating the whole house, puting cathedral ceilings in the front room, added on an addition, new floors, new windows, carpets, everything. It was gorgeous when he was finished. I always told myself if I ever had the money, I would buy that house again. Not to mention it sat next to a lake and had a whole string of bluberry bushes in the backyard. It was great, I still miss it. It wouldn’t matter now since I moved out, but I would love to buy it back someday.
[Reply]
Hot fuzz, Clowns scare the bejesus out of me, so of course I had to look through all of them.
If I could get my mittson the apartment my best friend’s parents had in Grammar School, I would be on cloud 9. 3 big bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, eat in kitchen, dining room and a living room big enough they had a piano.
[Reply]
My 17 year old brother uses phrases like ‘epic fail’ and ‘noob’ and stuff, but my brother is a good kid. Epic fail and noob are lingo for avid video gamers I’ve learned…someone called me a noob last night actually during my xbox adventure, I was mad. I don’t even know what it means, but I was mad.
[Reply]
I’d love to have my Grandparents’ house in Galipolis, OH.
A huge house on a huge corner lot with the biggest living room in history.
[Reply]
@Brittney: Do you eat a lot of spinach or drink a lot of Pepto…or something?
[Reply]
I don’t get it
[Reply]
I went by my childhood home recently and someone had painted it white with blue trim. A sort of Royal blue I guess. Carnival workers? Don’t know…could be.
The family had lived there for over 20 years and it seemed ok to me. A few years ago I was inside for reasons I won’t go into now and it seemed very small and cramped. And to think a family of 6 lived there all that time is amazing.
When I was a tech in Marietta, OH one of our clients had their offices in what could be called a historic house. Kind of non-descript on the outside but inside was lots of chrome and stainless steel and leather. Polished hardwood floors. Really nice.
jtb…I am still suffering with the heat and humidity. It’s like living in Manila with hilljack accents. Yesterday I saw a black squirrel soaking his nuts in a lemon snowcone.
[Reply]
Wait, I got it. LOL. I guess poo green was just the perfect color choice for that kitchen…
[Reply]
Gettin’ a beat-down by the revered man we all come here to read every day is quite shock to the system, so I hope dogberryjr isn’t too traumatized.
Dogberry’s first paragraph was actually intended to be funny, not mean-spirited. And as pointed out by a few others already, his “douchy” comment was directed at himself, ’cause he realized he was being a douche by making the seemingly mean-spirited comment.
As that wise sage asked a few years ago, Can’t we all just get along?
[Reply]
This is the salmon colored shirt all over again…
[Reply]
Anyone seen the new Futurama episode about the “eye” phone? Funny and scarily accurate!
[Reply]
Yeah it seems like things are taken a bit too literally sometimes when trying to express sarcasm through typing. I’ve learned that the hard way a few times.
[Reply]
My mom died a few years ago, and we’re renting out her house in San Diego. It’s the house where we all grew up, and it’s hard to imagine strangers living there. None of us have been able to drive past it since. The grandchildren (our kids) all want the house. Yeah, right. None of us could afford to buy the others out, so dream on kids! I don’t know what I’d do if a one-legged woman half burned it down.
[Reply]
I completely understand about wanting to own your grandparents house. In fact my aunt and I are co-owners of my grandparents house already.
The place is small and it needs TONS of work but we keep it because it holds many precious memories. It gives us a place to stay when we travel to Maine to visit family and it’s been in our family since it was built.
I hope someday you can buy your grandparents home. I know that I would never sell ours and hopefully will find someone else in the family willing to maintain it and pay the taxes on it.
Best part about the house in Maine?
They sell liquor in the grocery store (right across the aisle from the chips) all week long (even after 9 am on Sunday mornings) and there’s a beautiful wooded area in the back for naked, drunken celebrations.
Yes….I did have to make my comment about drinking and nudity…go ahead stalker…send the hate mail. I’m growing tired of you and you’re insanity.
[Reply]
drinking naked in maine, that’s not in the LL Bean catalog.
Spent a week in Bah Hahbah. Sorry.
Loved it, though.
[Reply]
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
I always day dreamed off buying the house my parents owned for about 10 years. Big assed brick Victorian located on the right side of the tracks.
When they bought it it was soon realized that the previous owners had let their dogs run loose and unchecked, seemingly for days at a time. Let’s just say the hardwood floors were less than pristine.
So, Mom did what Mom loves to do, spend Dad’s money. She pretty much gutted that motherfucker and refurbished a lot of things. Unfortunately the hardwood floors were beyond repair so she carpeted the entire house top to bottom.
Recently that house was on the market and sold for a sick amount of money. A sum that I would never be able to attain nor afford. So it looks like that dream has been snuffed.
On the subject of acronyms, I know this woman, mid 40′s who always says FMLA. Took me a while to figure out it’s Fuck My Life Altogether.
[Reply]
maybe she was saying family medical leave act
[Reply]
When’s the last time anybody the “about” page.
I just laughed at this picture for 9 minutes, and I am going back for more.
http://thewvsr.com/succes1.jpg
[Reply]
I apologize for my earlier outburst, guys. I’m wound-up tighter than an 8th grade dance in April.
[Reply]
Jeff, if you really want to feel despair, go look at the new house dooce.com’s little blog bought her. That is, if you can bear to put another dime in her pocket by clicking over there. Fairly ridiculous.
[Reply]
Jeff,
The Reporters, including me, outburst all the time. Everybody gets a turn, including you. Hope you are able to unwind over your weekend. Take care of yourself. Remember to secure your own oxygen first, so you are better able to help those around you. I think I heard that on a plane, but it might have been at the dentist, and it might have been nitrous oxide.
best,
jtb
[Reply]
After my parents passed away, I always assumed I would buy out my brother’s half and we’d live there. But, we had lived in our current house for only about 2 years. I decided to put it on the market. The money I made off the sale allowed us to remodel our current house pretty much through and through. I also thought it would be just too sad to live there.
[Reply]
the heat plus droid stress plus Nancy coming equals increased sensitivity. Notice how we all freaked. I’m pretty sure no one on here has been anything less than supportive of anything jeff wants to do. Except the no beer thing. Add that to my first line.
You know we all heart you jeff.
And on a more personal note I have a sort of date at ten tonight. .
On a sadder note I was ousted as the mayor of the drunken fry today.
[Reply]
My Dad just died and from what he told me, me and Sis are halvers. I was just there and it’s where I grew up. Well kinda…I’m still not done with that. I love the place and the town. I’ll buy her half somehow if that’s what it takes. It’s 1500 miles from here. Which begs the question….How can I be two places at once when I’m not anywhere at all?
[Reply]
dto – sorry for your loss.
[Reply]
Jeff, my father in law used to say “tighter than a frog’s ass – and that’s water tight”. If you’re all stressed, try angry masturbating. Just don’t do it in public. (my bad)
Brittney – pretty sure noob is the same as newbie. You should have been annoyed. Homicidal even. Grease that 12 year old punk. Sweep the leg. FINISH HIM.
T-storm – same girl that sorta dumped you? Assuming girl, Assuming human. Details Details Details. They don’t have to be truthful details…
Swami – it’s been almost 20 years since Rodney said those words. I worked with a 6’2″ Nordic looking guy (yeah he blended) who was visiting our LA office just before the riots (3 blocks away) … he slept in the boardroom.
Madz… sweet dreams
dto – 1 day, 1 week at a time. Make sure you keep coming back here to recharge the batteries. You know you’re in our thoughts.
Wineglass is empty, Time for bed. PREPARE WOMAN !!!!
[Reply]
@dto- sorry for your loss, and hoping all works out well. I have been through that and it sucks. You may not be able to be in two places at one time, but you CAN find your place in this vast, EPIC journey!
I don’t know about anyone else, but I kind of felt refreshed by Jeff’s “rant”. It was real, and heartfelt. I almost wept…
BTW- Duff called me and said you are good to go. No worries
[Reply]
Thanks all…Ben was a pretty great guy. He would have wanted to make our party. I’ve always been proud of him from my beginning to his “end”.
[Reply]
hugs to you, dto.
I would’ve bought my grandparent’s farm if the stars had aligned. I’d lay out the warm memories for y’all but I’m already getting kinda choked up thinking about it. My Uncle bought it and bulldozed the old wood frame house and put up an ugly ass brick ranch. All the charm there wiped off the planet. The memories remain.
unrelated info: Government Cheese will be releasing their anthology CD maybe in Sept.
[Reply]
My sister and I constantly fight about who has to take the old homestead after our parents are gone. They are both mild pack rats and the place is in the middle of nowhere in WV, which means carting a wet shitload of utterly useless junk out of the place before even thinking of selling. Which is exactly why the parents won’t sell now.
Anyone need a nice cabin away from it all? Very reasonable, you just get to inherit all the crap that’s in it…
[Reply]
@Brittney – U n00b! p0wnd! No match for my 1337 skilz!
Pretty much just trash talk from a 13 year old boy who has never seen naked breasts in real life.
[Reply]
Oh, and I am ALWAYS sarcastic when I post here. Do not ever take what I say as having any real meaning.
that is all
for now
ftw
[Reply]
Good Morning Surf Reporters….
[Reply]
So…some musician jokes for you sent to me today from a long time friend and great bass player. He’s about 80 and has played with/for everybody. Been in Vegas 50 years.
What do you call a beautiful girl on a trombonist’s arm? A tattoo.
What’s the difference between a pop musician and a jazz musician? The pop musician plays three chords for a thousand people, and a jazz musician plays a thousand chords for three people.
Why was the piano invented? So the band would have a place to set their beers.
Why is the trumpet an instrument of worship? Because a man blows in it, but God only knows what comes out.
What happens if you play Blues Music backwards? Your wife comes back and treats you okay, and you wake up in the morning.
What do you call a building full of saxophonists? Jail.
What’s the difference between a bassoon and a chain saw? The exhaust.
Three trombone players in a car. Who’s driving? The police.
No wonder we have so much air pollution when so much of it passed through the saxophones.
What’s the difference between a French Horn and a lawn mower? You can tune the lawn mower.
Do you know the definition for perfect pitch? When you throw the banjo into the dumpsite and it lands right on the accordion.
Did you hear about the clarinetist who bragged that he could play 16th
notes? The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him so he proved it by
playing one.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.
What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Why does the violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays? Because there is no spit valve.
Why are violins smaller than violas? They’re really the same size, but
violinists have bigger heads.
Why can’t a gorilla play a trumpet? He’s too sensitive.
Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
How do you know you have a singer at your front door? Can’t find the key; doesn’t know when to come in.
How can you get a guitar player to stop playing? Put sheet music in front of him.
How long does it take to tune a guitar? Nobody’s bothered to find out.
What’s the difference between an accordion and an onion? Nobody cries when you cut up an accordion.
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.
Why do we have bass players? To translate for the drummers.
What is the definition of a quarter tone? Two oboes playing in unison.
What’s the difference between a soprano and a Rottweiler? Jewelry.
What do you get when you play New Age Music backwards? New Age Music.
What does it say on a blues singer’s tombstone? “I didn’t wake up this
morning…… ”
What’s the difference between a puppy and a flutist? Eventually the puppy stops whining.
[Reply]
Oops, one more thing I did before I reached 22yr 5mo…
I saw Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs live at the University of Puget Sound Fieldhouse.
Actually, Sly & the Family Stone was on the program as well.
jtb
[Reply]
Suddenly my post is not as important to type as I thought it would be. Maybe my medicine is kicking in.
[Reply]
Jeff,
Two posts ago you wrote this:
“And I started to worry. Had my Droid, gulp, passed over?”
I’ve been laughing at it for several days. There are many euphemisms for the verb “to die”, in most all languages, and maybe a few extra in English, but you picked the most useless one to describe the endtime of a mobile phone. (OK, and it’s so much more than just a phone).
I think I think these workaround words for dying are a little regional. If you use “pass over” in the Great Pacific Northwest and you aren’t like 112, people will think you’ve been reading a little too much 19th century fiction. In any case, somehow you hit the euphemism right on the screws. Nice writing.
jtb
[Reply]
“reading a little too much 19th century fiction”…or watching too much John Edwards. Not that John Edwards….yeah, the other one.
[Reply]
I got a couple to add…
What do you call 1000 trombones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What’s the difference between a violin and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
[Reply]
I like ‘em Another Dave. I got bunches more but didn’t want to do an overload. Haven’t heard yours…nice!
[Reply]
I have a pal in Texas whose parent’s house is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. The first time we went over there I was shocked that they had such a tiny house and such a huge yard. The house looked to be about 500 square feet. It had windows all around and from what I could tell it was empty except for a couple of chairs and a couch.
But when you got inside there were stairs that led you UNDERGROUND and there they had about 6,000 square feet, maybe more.
I think I’d like to have a house like that. Maybe a tiny gingerbread looking house that led to a giant house underneath.
I’m having pierogies sauteed with onions in butter for lunch. I can’t wait!
[Reply]
I’ve walked into a prefectly respectable looking house only to find the people who live there are total fucking slobs and the place was a shithole. And no…they weren’t “hippies” or hillbillys or whatever. Regular folks as far as I could tell. (Like I’m a judge of that?). WTF!?!! (and fuck you eleven-year old while I’m at it). Happened more than I’ll say.
[Reply]
DTO: Very sorry for your loss. My parents & in-laws – all gone now. Leaves a hole in your soul, for sure.
DTO: Great jokes about musicians, tho – I copied all of ‘em. Thanks!
Got one for you: What’s the definition of a gentleman? A guy who can play the banjo, but chooses not to. (That’s actually a guitar player’s joke.)
Madz1962: Yeah, clowns, scary, yeah, I’m hip. (*mutter*)
Jeff, sorry about the rough patch you’re going thru just now. C’mon phone calls! And remember: there’s a bunch of deranged, dysfunctional Surf Reporters on your side.
Hmm, now I’m rambling – time for a “pain pill”.
Wow, that’s better!!
OK, golf joke in honor of the British Open: What do you do if you’re on a golf course and see lightning? Hold your 1-iron up in the air. Why?
Because not even God can hit a 1-iron.
Gonna go lay down now…
[Reply]
Woman I used to rent from only ran the sweeper or picked up once a year or so. I would cringe when she asked me to work on her computer. Under the desk was like a Superfund site. Nasty.
[Reply]
To quote Homer Simpson, “Ah beer, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
The guy at the beer store (sorry) told me that this humidity is expected to last well into August. He must be right, he owns a beer store.
[Reply]
I have a friend who just told me “I want to punch summer right in the face.” I think you’d like him, Jeff.
[Reply]
@Nezrite,
I’ll hold Summer and you knee it in the kidneys.
[Reply]
I always thought this would be a cool place to live. You could shut the big door and tell the world (or at least the humid summer) GFY
http://www.missilebases.com/adironback
[Reply]
To hell with all of it…
“If I knew for certain that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.” – Henry David Thoreau
That should be on a doormat!
[Reply]
DTO – Losing a parent is heartbreaking. You never get over it…you just learn to live with it. You are in my thoughts.
[Reply]
Jeff-If you ever “pull this fucking thing down” I’ll hunt you down and give you a scissors kick to the crotch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY_0iEl5NTE
Well maybe the video wasn’t close to my comment but hey it’s Sunday morning. Also unrelated, am I the only person who needs to look up scissors in order to spell it correctly?
dto-Sorry for your loss. My father is in his early 80′s and luckily I live a mile away, anytime I hear or read of someone losing a parent it reminds me to quit taking mine for granted.
I had an opportunity to buy my paternal Grandparents house. It held a lot of good memories but it’s location was nearly unbearable in my mind. It’s located right across from the farmers co-op which means for you city folks, there is a constant stream of noise from grain dryers, grain elevators and what not, not to mention dust, motherfucking dust. You park your car in front of that place and an hour later you’ll need to hit the carwash. If that wasn’t enough to discourage me there is a steel processing plant nearby, probably close to a hundred semi’s roll by daily. So I decided to just stick with the good memories, sometimes they’re better than reality.
Limey-Homer is a genius.
Peace, love and rock and roll all y’all. Or GFY’s.
[Reply]
Thanks again to all and that’ll be that on that. I was lucky to be with him one of the last two weeks he was alive. He was 80 and like I said…a great guy. He was at peace and “Eased on Down the Road” when he went. So thanks to all. Ben’s doin’ just fine!
Me…just fine too!!
[Reply]
While looking for a Tyvek(TM) garment bag online I came across this. Perfect for Black Friday at the mall, angry camel wrangling, and your standard hillbilly Thanksgiving.
http://www.crimescene.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=22&products_id=348
[Reply]
Then there’s this:
http://iwl.me/
Every time I plug in a bit of my writing it labels me “Stephen King”. WTF?! I was really hoping for Mark Twain. No sir, I don’t care for this state of affairs at all.
[Reply]
oh…just so you know….I told my sister to “Take that goddamn tie off (clip on) and un-do the top two buttons.” He wasn’t a tie guy.
There!
Soaking stakes in burttermilk since yesterday afternoon. Got a sweet tater too.
[Reply]
Just finished cleaning hot wax drippings off my Droid.
It got a little out of hand last night.
[Reply]
dto – your sister wears a clip on?
[Reply]
Gretchen, I’m Stephen King too??? I’m reading a book of his right now (and I’m not going to say which in case someone accidentally drops a spoiler turd…) and am loving it so more than happy to be a King wannabe.
Personally, I was hoping for mothereffing Shakeseffinspear cause sometimes me talk so ficken purdy it damn near sounds like hunny comin out a ma fricken word hole yaknow?…
DTO – A whole pork loin is on the BBQ with some apple wood chips having sex. I shall eat this love in a few more hours to satiate the beast within. mmmm meat. Perhaps I’ll have this with with some sauteed red potatoes, all nice and crisp on the outside.. with hints of butter, rosemary and evoo…
WB – I think there’s Preparation D if you have a problem with your droids.
[Reply]
My first foray into a local telephone switching station was an eye opener. Little non-descript single story brick square from the street… Multiple floors into the ground with a larger underground footprint than the upper area let on. First time in it was rack upon rack of switching gear clicking and humming away. Last time I was in, a gigantic room with two equipment racks of blinking LEDs and fiber lines. Progress.
Yes, I was in it legitimately.
[Reply]
I’m sayin that quitting beer for a month has dangerous side effects.
Hang in there Jeff.
[Reply]
Gretchen and hot fuzz — “I Write Like” tells me I write like Cory Doctorow, who is someone I’ve never heard of. I’ll have to check out some of his writings to see if I agree.
No offense to you two, but I’d be highly offended if I wrote like Stephen King. He’s a great storyteller (one of the best ever), but a lousy “writer” — i.e., a lousy writer of literature. He does not write literature, he tells stories in the most basic and inelegant of prose.
But if the writing you entered into “I Write Like” was just your basic correspondence with someone (as opposed to, say, a piece of creative writing or a paper you wrote for academic reasons), I wouldn’t worry about it. Stephen King writes like he’s dashing off a quick note to a friend. So if your quick notes to friends are like Stephen King’s novels, that’s high praise.
[Reply]
Wow, to write like Cory Doctorow…very nice! You can check him out at boingboing.net – it’s one of my favorite RSS feeds.
[Reply]
Cory Doctorow here too. Have no clue who this may be.
[Reply]
I write like P. G. Wodehouse. I’m impressed. Cory Doctorow is someone, the quality of whose writing I’d like to aspire to. Oops, ended a sentence with a preposition!
[Reply]
I think the Write Like thing is just designed to funnel visitors to Amazon; it’s not worth anything as an “analyzer”. I, too, was told I write like Cory Doctorow a few times, and also Stephen King. (I’d be much more pleased to write like King than Doctorow btw)
Seems they have only a small database of authors, and/or they’re pushing Doctorow.
Now, if it had said I write like Jeff Kay…
[Reply]
Dammit, Ed…you are harshing my mellow.
=8^-)
[Reply]
On Friday, NPR interviewed the author of the “I write like” website. He sounded as though he had a Russian accent. And he did. his name is Dmitry Chestnykh. He admitted his data base was quite limited at this point, but that he intended to expand it. So, at this point, his algorhythms probably limit his results to a very small number of authors. You can read the transcript of the piece, or listen to the story here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128572009
[Reply]
Ur, sorry Chuck! I always enjoy your writing, by the way.
[Reply]
I write like Dale Brown. I think I’ve written one too many technical papers lately.
Chuck, that last comment made me laugh out loud. It reminded me of a former bandmate who used to say, ” why you gotta harsh my gig, man?”
[Reply]
The I Write Like thing was cool. I put in some snippetts of some things I have going and things I’ve written…
My stories are varied and here’s what they came up with…Frank L. Baum
James Joyce
Raymond Chandler (2)
James Fenimore Cooper
Ursula K. Le Guin (?)
Stephen King…not a creepy story either
David Foster Wallace
I’ve got more I might run through. Even different snippets of the same piece to see what comes up. Thanks for that link Gretchen. Fun stuff!
[Reply]
Algorithms have never been my friend. The one they used for career aptitude tests back in the 80s said I would make a good bus driver. Not archeologist-adventurer, not skydiving-puppeteer, not world famous penguin juggler. Nope, bus driver. And apparently now a bus driver with an affinity for the macabre but a clumsy means of expressing it. Great, I can be the person who mows down a crowd of retards with a short bus and then writes about it, poorly but graphically, on someone else’s not-blog. FUCK! See what I mean? Algorithms are EVIL.
[Reply]
I forgot….Frank L Baum too!
[Reply]
Oh, the dude who came up with that site is a Ruskie? I shoulda known the Reds were behind this.
[Reply]
hey g gfy go reds!
F the privates and the rapists.
[Reply]
Gretchen, school bus driver? My Uncle was a school bus driver after he retired and I tell ya, when I go I want to die just like he did… in his sleep. Not all yelling and screaming like his passengers.
[Reply]
Gretchen, you’re killin’ me! Thanks for the late night laugh!
[Reply]
I just pasted in Gretchen’s last comment. Guess who? Cory Doctorow!
[Reply]
Ed: Oh thank God!! Now if I just knew who he was.
[Reply]
Hot Fuzz: LOL!
[Reply]
Gretchen, he’s a sci-fi writer and one of the people who run boingboing, a very popular blog. I pasted in Jeff’s entry above, and he also writes (supposedly) like Cory Doctorow.
[Reply]
The more I looked at the I Write Like and put in my different stuff, that thing is merely classifing the type of story it is and doesn’t mean you use words and phrases and a voice like the writers mentioed.. One of my stories is set in the 1890s, one is a detective type, one is smart assery and one makes reference to a ‘supposed wizard’ . You can see the type of story is what this thing is doing. Not word choice…etc. Hence it kicked out the writers “I Write Like” by the type of story I wrote.
[Reply]
Here’s a run down:
Mr Whittson….Frank L Baum (this is a scene in Scalabo and Jumpback)
4th Trumpet…James Joyce
A.J.’s Story. …..Raymond Chandler
Scalabo and Jumpback…..Fenimore Cooper
“My Dearest Elaine”…Stephen King
A scene in the A.J. stroy kicked up Ursula Ke LeGuin
“The Passing of Gas” report ….David Foster Wallace.
[Reply]
So… over the years, long years…I’d hear sombody say, “That’s a bunch of BS”…they were talking in text 40 years before texting was invented.
And who could leave out DILLIGAF? That’s been around a while too!
[Reply]
SNAFU I think was started during the early NASA days.
DILLIGAF? Never heard of it, how about a little help?
I have a neighbor who thinks texting is like going back to using a telegraph machine.
[Reply]
@WB
SNAFU dates back to WWII. Probably started with the Army.
[Reply]
the new free credit score bands suck balls.
I’ve always been partial to TARFU.
It looks like I robbed a vending machine last night.
[Reply]
Never mind, google to the rescue.
And thanks Chuck.
[Reply]
i typed this with my toes
Here’s some news you can use. I heard on the radio about this girl they just arrested in Las Vegas. They have something called “glory holes” where a guy walks into a little room and sticks his prick in a hole. And there’s a girl in the little room next to him and she does her thing with it. It’s weird on many levels. First, they have to find a girl who enjoys sucking random dicks all day. And if you’re the guy you have to wonder what she looks like. I mean, what if there’s a dude in there pretending to be a girl? Good God.
So anyway, this particular girl liked to carry a razor blade in with her and when a penis came through the wall she’d grab a hold of it and start slicing it up. Then she’d run off while the guy was writhing in pain on the floor of his little pervert room. She got three before they caught her. The second and third guys must have been really hard up – or nuts. “Let’s see, I’m gonna stick my dick in this hole. Maybe the person on the other side is a woman, and not some dude. And maybe she won’t split my dick down the middle with a razor blade. Oh well, it’s worth a shot.” Crazy.
[Reply]
Dear God.
On it’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Danny Devito says in one episode “If I was looking for safe I wouldn’t be sticking my dick through a wall.”.
[Reply]