A few nights ago Toney and I were watching some generic and forgettable show on cable, probably about flipping a house, buying a house, renovating a house or something similar. I’ve started renaming these programs, by the way. I always feel like I can do better… Yesterday, for instance, we watched a couple of episodes of Toothy & Mule-Face, and last night before bed we watched at least three episodes of Poofters In Paradise.
Anyway, in these shows they almost always feature the homeowners chopping produce for some reason. And in one of them a man was slicing corn off a cob, and Toney said, “Y’know, I don’t really like corn. Never have.” That touched off a ten minute conversation about fruits and vegetables, and the ones we like and don’t like. And you thought our lives aren’t exciting here at Surf Report Central? Ha! Consider yourself corrected.
Many people claim to hate broccoli, including Newman:
But I love it. It’s freaking fantastic. In fact, I like almost all vegetables. The only ones I shy away from are asparagus, zucchini, and squash. I can eat any of them — I don’t let ’em fall out of my mouth like Newman or a Cocker Spaniel — but I’d prefer something else. There’s a mealiness to the zucchini and squash that I don’t care for, and asparagus just tastes kinda yuk. Yeah, I know it causes your pee to take on a delightful scent, but I can live without it.
Another thing I don’t like: mushrooms. I don’t know how that crap got lumped in with vegetables, but I’ll pass on the fungus. Again, I can eat it on a pizza, but would prefer it not be there. It tastes like dirt, and is spongy and disturbing.
When I was a kid I’d just load up on vegetables and sometimes not eat any meat. My grandmother viewed this as unnatural and possibly dangerous. She’d practically force me to choke down a piece of beef the size of a paperback book to bring the universe back into proper focus. But I was fine with the vegetables. I still love ’em.
I’ve always liked salads too. The more stuff in it, the better. Go ahead and speculate about my sexual orientation, if you’d like. But I like almost everything salad-related, including radishes — another vegetable that’s hated by many. But radishes are quite tasty, and are a superior burp-generator. I recommend them highly, especially right before a night on the town.
So, I’ve always been strongly pro-vegetable. Fruit, on the other hand, falls into the ‘take it or leave it’ category. I like a lot of fruit, but don’t crave it or ever think about buying it. Toney buys grapes, or cuts up watermelon or cantaloupe. And I’ll eat it. It’s perfectly fine. But it just isn’t as good as vegetables. Not in my opinion, anyway. Vegetables are Bruce Springsteen, and fruits are John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.
Care to weigh in on this controversial subject? Use the comments section, above or below or wherever the hell it happens to be. Tells about the stuff you love, and the things you strongly dislike. Also, can you come up with a better example of burp fuel than a radish? Tell us about it.
Before I call it a day here, I want to bring you up to date on the paperback version of Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia. On Saturday I finally submitted all the files to Amazon, expecting the worst. With Crossroads Road we went through a frustrating series of rejections and revisions. I think they rejected it four or five times, and I was losing my grip on sanity. But, with the new book… they approved it without a single change. Crazy. They mailed me a proof copy, so I can see how the paperback will look in real life. And if it looks OK, it should be available for order by the end of the week.
As it stands, the ebook is available for Kindle, Nook, and Kobo. There are some funny stories from that first year. The one where I’m searching for a real old-fashioned barber killed me. I’d almost forgotten about it, but, man… that’s some good stuff. Check the book out, if you’re so inclined. It’s priced super-low.
And I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great day.