Completely Unrelated: a Fun New Project and Dog Farts
It’s weird, but the day after I finished the second draft of my “book,” I felt mildly depressed. I think it was a combination of no instant feedback (like I get here), and a feeling of “now what?”
That down feeling (down syndrome?) lasted for a couple of weeks — until I got fired up about an idea for a second book project. Oh, I have a million ideas, there’s no shortage of ‘em, but this one emerged from the pack for some reason. And I got really excited, and the postpartum blues went away.
It won’t be a novel this time, and some of it’s already written, thanks to previous excursions into ridiculousness. This one will be more of a traditional humor book, like the kinds found in the humor section at Barnes & Noble, or wherever.
I wanted to bring in a co-author, and asked Metten. After Mockable, I hoped we’d be able to work together again, but had no idea it would be so soon. Good stuff.
Metten loved the idea, and immediately started to work. And that outline I finished on Friday, the one I mentioned yesterday? Metten wrote most of it, and laid down the foundation for the whole project. I just tweaked it and organized it a little.
But it’s all coming together so easily, and so naturally, it’s blowing my mind a little.
I’m superstitious about these kinds of things, so I’m not going to divulge any details about the book. But I think it will be published. I really do. I believe the idea is solid and original, but not so original as to bleed over into bizarre. Ya know?
As soon as I have some real news about the novel, I’m going to pitch the new book idea. We have sample articles, a table of contents, and an almost completed book proposal ready to go. In less than two weeks!
And now I’m not depressed at all. Funny how that works, huh?
So, let’s talk briefly about dog farts. What do you say? Yeah, and as you can see, I believe smooth segues are for suckers.
When I was a kid we had an Australian Terrier with the unfortunate name Scooby. I think he hung around until he was fifteen or so, and was, as my dad regularly declared, “retarded.”
I believe that’s a bit harsh, but it’s true that Scooby wasn’t the smartest dog on the planet. He was a good guy, though. I was in high school when he died, and was devastated. He’d always been there, a good friend.
But boy, was he gassy… You could actually hear him farting. It made a sound like “psssss” and that was a signal to abandon ship, immediately and without delay.
‘Cause the pungency was unbelievable. It would bring tears to your eyes, literally. I’m surprised it didn’t cause the wallpaper to come off the walls. Wow! He might’ve come up a little short in the intelligence department, but Scooby was at the very head of the class when it came to impossible, lung-scorching rectal mist.
My parents adjusted his diet many times, but the farts continued unabated. It was like tear gas in our living room. And the frequency was amazing. If I attended a chili and Meister Brau festival, I wouldn’t be able to match Scooby fart for fart.
One time my parents had a bunch of people at our house, some sort of meeting (possibly having to do with a class reunion). The whole living room was full of folks, and Scooby was asleep behind the couch.
Then: pssss.
My parents were out of the room when it happened, and when they returned everyone was shooting each other dirty looks, holding their shirts over their mouths and noses, and pressing tissues to their faces.
They all believed someone else in the room was the culprit, but nobody verbally acknowledged the window-melting stench that had appeared.
My mother, recognizing the familiar funk, put an end to the tension, and everyone had a big coughing laugh about it. I wish she hadn’t said anything, and let the scene play out to its natural end. That would’ve been fantastic.
And shortly after Toney and I started dating, we went to my parents’ house in Charlotte, for Christmas. While there, it was decided we’d continue to Dunbar for the holidays, at my aunt’s house. Or maybe it was decided in advance, it doesn’t really matter…
We rode in the backseat of my parents’ car, and their dog, Tojo (who the hell knows?), farted his way to West Virginia. This was back when my mom and dad still smoked, so they were cranking cigs the whole time, as well.
It was one of the longest car rides of my life. Toney and I were still in the early stages of our relationship, and I was mortified by all this. Cigarettes going continuously…. non-stop dog ass… What a sophisticated impression I was making!
And now I’m gonna call it a day, my friends. If you have anything to add to the dog fart discussion, please feel free.
Also, what are the most memorable pet names you’ve encountered so far? I knew a girl in Greensboro who had a cat named Polyester. For some reason that one’s always stuck with me. Use the comments section below.
And I’ll be back tomorrow.
Now playing in the bunker
Order your Surf Report t-shirt today!
Filed under: Daily
Word to ya mutha!
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Me too.
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Three to yo mutha!
Our dog drops audible farts like crazy.
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A friend (w/benes) of mine has a extremely stupid dog that I sometimes watch that can fart hallelujah Yankee doodle on the butt trumpet! It doesn’t help that she feeds him a constant diet of burritos and mcdonalds. Oddly enough (not so odd) she took him to the vet and found out that his gums are messed up and he has some sort of liver thing going on. But a week later and she’s still feeding him the same shit!! Oh well.
Oh when I started this long winded speech I was first. Let’s see what happens!
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We have a Border Collie mix called Maisy. She lets out little baby farts now and then and when she does, she turns around and looks at her ass accusingly ,then leaves the room.
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Doh!! 4th
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5th of what?
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Thanks, Jeff. I really, really needed a good belly laugh today.
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TOP TEN!!! WOO HOO.
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I once knew a cat named Figment.
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My roommate’s niece had a cat named Peeve.
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We have two mini schnauzers. One of them weighs 16 lbs. Twelve of those pounds must be dedicated to natural gas production and distrubution.
Cool Pet names – A friend had a teacup poodle called Diesel.
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distrubution? wtf
distribution – ah you know what I meant
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Our dog still hasn’t figured out the fart. Every time he lets one loose, he stops whatever he’s doing and checks out his ass, as if something had sneaked up behind him and bit him. Other than that, he’s pretty smart.
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I had a good dog fart story but I kept getting a 403 error and I lost interest. A dog fart on the internet for kicking me off the site.
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Shiny Rod, I got the same error a few minutes ago. It finally fixed itself, or something.
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The neighbor had a boxer that was good at throwing down an SBD from time to time. RIP Ali.
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Cool pet name: SixPack for a dog.
I’ve only had cats. Never smelled any of them fart.
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Are you kidding??? I have PUGS! That’s all they do…fart, burp, gag, sneeze, grunt, snore, lick, pant. And in no particular order but each happens every day. My female pug, Stella, farts when she sits, stands, eats, barks, whenever.
My boyfriend had her sitting on his lap cutting her nails. He had her contorted in all different ways…which isn’t easy for an old fat, farting pug. He’s clipping away, repositions her and says, “Jesus! She fucking stinks, when was the last time she got a bath?!? UGH”. Just then a small turd rolled off his lap onto the floor. Twisting her in a pretzel apparently didn’t agree with her colon. Needless to say I was in hysterics. Pugs have very expressive faces. She wasn’t too happy either.
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I remeber Scooby. I still have no hair in my nose.
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My dog had putrid farts when given canned dog food. In his waning years we figured a bit of high zoot easy to munch on food would be a nice perk, but oh man, the stench and quantity of farts that produced was remarkable.
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We had a dog whose farts once woke me from a sound sleep. I thought something was on fire at first. I got up and had a look around. Oddly it was confined just to the bedroom and I couldn’t figure it out until she let fly with another one. It was only that one time otherwise they stank in the normal way.
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I had some pseudo intellectual acquaintances who named their dog Numerous and cat Edipus. The guy who named them later made the news because of his fondness for young boys.
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We have ‘adopted’ a pug….well, really…we SAVED a pug from a friend that kept him locked outside in the heat all day. When in her care (a term I am throwing around loosely in this case), his name was Chunkz….yes, with a Z…..and I can’t have THAT. So we, more appropriately, changed his name to Mugsy. Mugsy has a very cute face and a body that is shaped like a pork roast with legs. He keeps us laughing on a daily basis as well as holding our noses from the stench that sometimes comes from under that curly tail. Who knew that something so small could clear an entire home.
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OH…..and I would also like to add that Knucklehead’s ‘BEAST’, Louie, has the most horrible gas known to man. That dog could win contests and I believe the REAL reason they had to move to another country into a farm-style home far away from civilization.
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I knew of a cat called Remington Steel. Just rolls off the tongue when you call it. Cat people, sheesh…
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…they’re always putting out fire with gasoline
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I know a couple that has a fat ass cat named “Larry”. That seems like an odd name for a cat. My neighbor has a chow named Fuckface.
This seems like an appropriate time to make a small announcement. I sold my fruit bat guano empire to the Chinese. I’m now a Chihuahua rancher. I grow Chihuahuas. I have over 3,000 head at the moment. So if any of you need a Chihuahua or any Chihuahua related items (Chihuahua milk, breeding pair, lucky Chihuahua foot keychain, etc.) please look me up. As far as I can tell they don’t fart.
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All my dogs through life have had human names, Henry, Bart, and now Charlie. My wife’s cousin has a fru-fru dog name Sir Winston von Fluffybottom, the 3rd. Pretty lame.
My dog startles himself when he farts. He’ll be laying there on the floor, fart, and then jump up and start barking. He will only bark once or twice, not like when he thinks someone is at the door; in which case he will bark until bed time.
Just a “woof” or two. Then he’ll look around and go lay somewhere else. I hate being one of those freak people who think his dog is like a person, but I really think he is making the dog excuse of “barking spiders” or “squeaky shoes”. That or he forgets that he farts and it is something new and strange every 10 minutes.
He’ll Dutch oven himself too. He sleeps at the dogs place on the bed, between the sheet and the comforter. He will steady rip turd thoughts all night in his sleep, just a living it up. He also snores. So it’s like my wife and I have a 30 pound 76 year old man sleeping at the foot of the bed. Just’a fartin’ and’a snorin’ all damn night.
Oh, and microsoft word doesn’t recognize the word “turd”.
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Oh, my wifes previous dog was a chihuahua/reat terrior named “Brutus”.
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Fucking Chinese buying up all the good American jobs. You should be ashamed Mr. McAppleass. Sellout!
Rocco-How is Knucklehead? I was hoping we would have heard from her by now. Perhaps they don’t have the internets in Italy.
Speaking of lost reporters, has anyone seen Pagan?
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I had a beloved calico named Chingate (chin-gah-tay), which means “Fuck you” in Spanish. Then, we had Wednesday and Noodles, and now we have Bella (spanish for beautiful – hey, we have kids now, ya know).
Bella was just adopted from the shelter and she had some sort of diarrhea problem and terrible gas. We’d smell something bad and I’d look around for a turd, but it was just her, farting away. 10 days of antibiotics and she’s good as gold now.
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I have a feeling my cat may take the cake with weird names…his name is Poster Nutbag. Poster’s name came about because we are obviously Phish fans, as most of you know, and there is a Phish song by them called Harpua, which is actually a song about a little boy and his cat named Poster Nutbag. When we first adopted Poster at 3 months, he used to sleep in between our pillows, and one night he hopped up in bed with us, turned his butt right at me and ‘pffftt’ right in my face. I’m pretty sure I tasted cat food. I was gagging and laughing.
Speaking of which, we just adopted another kitten, but I’m naming her Andy, so at least one of my babies has a normal name, lol.
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4117/4765057667_0b836d0a53_m.jpg – Andy
http://www.flickr.com/photos/49166371@N07/4505984192/ – Poster
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I went through the upper pierogi belt today and was going to get a smoking fish sighting for Olyphant but it was surface of the sun hot out with humidity too. F-that. I mean seriously.
Good the read you as happy again. Keep up the good work.
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Millie is part Boxer, and they are notorious for their flatulence. I tell her all the time that she can peel the paint off of walls. Like Scooby, she is not too bright, but she is a sweet dog!
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The two barn cats are named Dinner and Milkbone.
And yes we are on multiple generations of
Different cats with the same names.
The German shepherds keep snacking on them…
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I know a horse named Alpo.
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OK, who told “icanhascheezburger” our topic of discussion today?!?
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/02/26/funny-pictures-i-farts-in-yor-genral-direkshun/
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This is what it has come to? Fart jokes?
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I have a friend Merle (witrh a name like that you know he’s a good ol’ boy) who farted and the smell was so bad his dog got up, shot hum a dirty glare, and wandered out of the room. I was on the other side of the room but didn’t want to take any chances so I followed the dog out.
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WB in OH,
Don’t worry. The bat caves will be empty in a matter of days. There was a small earthquake a few weeks ago and lots of my dairy queen bulbs broke and released mercury into the caves. The bats will be dead soon. No bats, no bat shit. No bat shit, no profits. HAHAHA fucking Chinese!
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Rocco,
I join my colleague from Ohio, WB, in asking after the health and welfare of Ms. Knucklehead. I know Italy has Internet cafes, and I had hoped we’d hear from her by now. She was our SF Reporter and did a great job sending dispatches from the Haight.
I have no comments on farts.
At this time.
jtb
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Jeff,
Since you no longer maintain your P.O. box in Olyphant, what is the best USPS address to reach you at? My PayPal account is fucked beyond repair, and I was going to send you some beer money. After today’s post, I might substitute a dog fart, but I need an address nonetheless.
I don’t expect you to give out your home address because of the groupie problem, but there must be a way to send you important items without my driving to PA and meeting you at a strip mall.
You should probably update the “About” page with the change of address as well.
Dog farts,
jtb
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TFM-I think you outsmarted yourself. The Chinese will take those mercury riddled bat corpses and turn them into moo goo gai pan and poison half of the US population. That might be a temporary win for cats but not a good outcome for us humans.
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I am really pleased and strangeley comforted to read that so many other people’s dogs have the same weird fart habits as our Maisy. I always thought it was a sort of a warning look she gives her ass when she poots. Maybe she, too, is wondering what the hell it was.
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*Strangely.
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@Taiwan
Guess so.
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Where’s Tiff?
Tip for the day: Used microwave popcorn sacks make great barf bags.
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The book of bunny suicides (scroll down):
http://shuzpuppy.com/i/Bunny/
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Jason, you’re a sick twisted scary individual. Don’t ever change.
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Yes, Johnthebasket & Ohio, WB………Ms. Knucklehead is doing quite well. She unfortunately LOST her computer in her travels and it came back to her in ‘Italian’ time…..as is all of her belongings that she just got only a couple of days ago. I’m sure that after all of the moving and settling-in nonsense, she’ll be back to true ‘Surf Reporter’ form. She’ll be happy to hear about you two inquiring.
Also to note: She is living in a tiny little town and WHO knows how far away an internet cafe could be. She still hasn’t found out how long it’s going to take to get cable. Those crazy Italians do things at snail speed…..I’m very suspicious that it has to do with all of the wine consumption…..but to give you an idea of just how small Bennabio (her town) is, the locals think she’s nuts for buying a washer and dryer because there is a fresh water TROUGH in the middle of town that is perfectly fine for ‘scouring’ your laundry everyday!!
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Rocco-Thanks for the update and holy cow!
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