The West Virginia Surf Report!

Coffee, Tea, and Other Stuff About Me

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Yesterday morning I went out to get the mail, with a cup of coffee in my hand.  There was a new issue of Esquire in the box, and I accidentally dropped it on the porch.  Then, when I bent over to pick it up, I dumped hot coffee all over Bill Clinton’s face.

It probably looked like a statement of spontaneous political outrage.  But it was really just clumsiness.  Believe me, I’m not nearly that passionate about things.

But I started thinking about how such a scenario could spiral out of control…

Say someone had been walking past our house when the episode occurred. They might have thought they saw a man remove a magazine from a mailbox, with Clinton’s face on the front.  And after taking one look at it, he growled in protest, threw it angrily to the ground, and flung hot coffee all over it.

Depending on the political leanings of the person walking by, things could’ve gotten complicated from there.  I might’ve been labeled as some sort of radical right-wing kook, and possibly targeted by students groups or one of those free speech outfits that’s always trying to shut people up.

Or the person could’ve run up to me, shook my hand, and nominated me to chair the local tea party organization.  And suddenly I’m surrounded by signs labeling the president as a “moran.”

Then I’d be swept up in an unstoppable series of wacky events, involving me and some beautiful female stranger who irritates me at first but I eventually come to appreciate, trying to retrieve a laptop from bad men, and finally being tied to chairs in an abandoned warehouse by a man with a pinkie ring and a ludicrous New Jersey accent.

Luckily, however, nobody was walking past at the time.  Whew!

Sorry about yesterday.  I was incredibly fatigued for some reason, and ended up taking a Nostrils-like nap on the couch, instead of writing an update.  I didn’t, however, rest a hot water bottle on my vagina, thank you very much.

And in my own defense, I didn’t plan the nap in advance, it just happened.  I started out reading a book, and before I knew it… the book was on the floor and my mouth was hanging open like a school carnival bean bag toss.

Then I slept another ten hours last night.  What’s happening to me?  This beerless July is weird, man.  Strange things are happening.  The black circles under my eyes are even receding a bit.  It’s very odd.

And speaking of Nostrils, I went out and bought a box of Yorkshire brand tea yesterday.  It was stocked in the “international” section of Wegmans, and was inspired by a conversation I heard on Clive Bull’s radio station.  Callers were arguing about their favorite brand of tea, and it seemed to come down to Yorkshire and something called PG Tips.

I don’t drink much hot tea, but wondered if the real British stuff tastes any different than the fake Brit stuff we’re sold.  So, I went to Wegmans and they had both brands, if you can believe it.  PG Tips was in a bigger box, and cost more, so I went with the Yorkshire.

And yeah, I can’t tell much difference.  But, of course, I’m no expert.  The folks calling into the radio show were talking about using special water, etc.  I mean, they take that shit seriously, and I don’t.  So, I’m probably not the greatest judge in the world.  But it tasted roughly the same as other hot teas I’ve tried.

Are you a tea person?  I think it’s going to become a very snooty and snobby thing in the near future.  Already there’s a HUGE section at Wegmans, with dozens of obscure brands.  I think it’s going to be like coffee, wine, and microbrews soon.  Or maybe it is already?

Here are two comedy classics, for your Friday enjoyment.  Here and here.

Now for a pic of my beloved, long-gone grandfather, standing in the middle of Charles Avenue in Dunbar, in 1960 or thereabouts.  Right here.  He’s one of the people I said I’d like to have a beer with, if someone ever invented a time machine.  He died during the 1975 World Series, and was an excellent grandfather.

And finally, I was flipping through one of my old notebooks a few days ago, and at some point I wrote the following:  Movie idea – “When Cripples Attack!”  It made me laugh, and maybe someday I’ll actually write the screenplay.

But, for the time being, I’d like to use it as an excuse for a Question of the Day.  In the comments, please tell us your ideas for horror/sci-fi movies that will never be made. I’m looking for titles mostly, but there are no rules.  If you want to give us a brief synopsis of the story, that’s cool too.

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.  I have a to-do list that needs some attention.

See you guys next time.   Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker
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Comments

  1. I love tea and prefer the Irish Breakfast Tea its stronger. Steeped in kettle boiled water for 5 full min. But have been known to use Earl Grey to make a gallon of sweet Iced tea. Is that sacrilegious? Its really good and I have caused several Okies to convert from their Liptons or Louisian.

  2. horror movies:

    The 3:00 Ballbuster – Rise of the Unmuted
    Dormancy Platform
    Dormancy Platform II Still Not Dead
    Dormancy Platform 3 Not Necessarily Alive

  4. Hey Kristin! Tea gets me talking.

    Movie: Grad School Cyborgs 2: Back in the Lab

  5. Uncle Wedgie,

    I see why your movie won’t be made. Imagine people looking to see what’s at the theater tonight and saying, “ifsts? WTF is that?” and moving along to Chuck Norris Kicks Ass part 37.

    Sorry, not trying to bust your balls, it made me really laugh out loud at work when I read your typo. Good Stuff 🙂

  8. @Bikerchick-Um, honestly I don’t really remember. I tried watching it again like a year ago and just couldn’t sit through it. I know at the beginning they are camping or something though and then one of the guys gets sucked up into a ship and then he comes back and starts reliving his abduction. I just remember a part where he is at family party and collapses under the kitchen table and they find him under there hallucinating. It’s just creepy…

    I’m not afraid of Freddy anymore though. Freddys dumb.

  9. [cue deep movie voice-over]

    “Airport 2010-Cavity Check”…beware of flying the friendly skies!

    …just when you thought it was safe to sit down–“Alli-the Sequel”

    “Old Country Buffet-Return of the Short Bus!”

  10. Here’s a movie I can’t believe has never been made – even by the borderline personality types at Sundance and Cannes.

    I don’t know what to call it. “Attack of Uranus”? (to throw off the MPAA)

    At any rate, it’s the most basic premise: Either alien or earth-bound mutant monsters (believe me: their origin won’t really matter “in the end”) are lurking in the sewers and septic systems in America (particularly the high-tone neighborhoods, due to the rich nature of their excrement; grey poupon and all that). They wait for a “host” to be seated on the throne when suddenly they snake up through the plumbing and drive right up their ass. At this point, if “host” is the idea, the beast will deposit its young. If “meal” is the purpose of the moment, then the monster begins to dine. Gives new meaning to the phrase “eats it from the ass in”.

    Eventually they are rescued by some uber-Roto-Rooter man or the Tidy Bowl man, or else after everyone is put on a strict diet of El Charrito frozen Mexican entrees and Genesee Cream Ale. Nobody – not even aliens – could take a steady stream of that sh!t.

    Fin!

  12. Where is this Wegman’s you were talking about? I can’t seem to find one in WV!

    I personally think that Lipton’s is a fine cup of tea. I’m a Brit in WV and seem to remember drinking Lipton’s in England too.

    My favourite is PG tips though. I drank it back home and now Big Lots has a decent sized box in supply for a mere $2.50!

    I think it’s better than Yorkshire tea but I’m a softy Southerner so what do I know?

  13. Sometimes life is just a Constant Comment…
    .

    Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
    You can hear the boats go by
    You can spend the night beside her
    And you know that she’s half crazy
    But that’s why you want to be there
    And she feeds you tea and oranges
    That come all the way from China
    And just when you mean to tell her
    That you have no love to give her
    Then she gets you on her wavelength
    And she lets the river answer
    That you’ve always been her lover

    L. Cohen

  14. Juancho, on July 9th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Said:
    Oh my god he is tea totalling!” Beerless July is fo real.

    See you morans later!

    .
    Is Juancho trying to combine morons and Mormons? Which should be insulted? Is this just one of those Boney Moroni deals?

    And young lady, my position on green tea is the same as my position on green tea and ham. I do not like them on a boat.

    jtb

    jtb

  16. Candwich – that’s just silly. Regarding Jeff becoming a tea toddler, I’m a little frightened, he might make it through July but I might not.

    For tea, I only drink hot tea when I am frozen and can’t warm up (I don’t drink coffee) which is maybe once a year. I like iced tea now and again though.

    jtb – I think Juacho is refering to Jeff’s comment above about signs stating Bill Clinton is a ‘moran’.

  17. First Ghana misses two open nets. Now Candwich. It can’t be a coincidence. The “hand of God” is near.

    jtb

  18. Thanks, N.O. I don’t know whether I feel stupider for missing an entire paragraph of the post, or for jiu jitsuing myself into submission. Sorry, Juancho.

    jtb

  20. I saw Predators last night. I’ll give it a B.
    I love me some Walt Goggins.

    Do you love me? Depends.
    About a nursing home romance.

  21. t-storm – thanks, hilarious, you just put a big smile on my face!

    I’m heading to the pub shortly with some co-workers, I think I will celebrate tea-less July.

  23. Horror…”Pfister Hotel”

    “The Tell Tale Testicle”

    “Cannibal Cafe”

    “Same Time Next Nightmare”…(I’ve actually started on that. I’m 7000 words into it. Who knows?)

  24. ….disclaimer………There’s a cool movie named “Scotland P.A.”…Christopher Walken. It very well could have been called …”Cannibal Cafe”. Didn’t want anyone to think I was stealing here.

  26. Yes….Throbbing and swelling and changing colors too. Blue is a must. All adutions will be handled by Jasmine and her assistant…Mr. Earl Grey.

  27. Okay, but what secret is the throbbing testicle trying to reveal? Enquiring minds want to know!

  28. Enquiring minds want to know!….

    “As he lies in his darkl quiet, waiting for sleep to to take him away from his tortured day, his thoughts still haunt is soul. Amontillado is gone……”

  29. Crap!!!! No “l” in dark and it’s “his soul”….Crap…I really hate doing that. Really…hate it!!!!

  32. You know, I might have been taking the wrong ingestive path to green tea. I’ve been brewing it with hot water. I should have been eschewing it.

    jtb

  34. for the love of all that is sacred, please stop the tea-bagging…I’m afraid to pass out over here…I’m not a fan of ballchineans…

    icecycle…speaking of 6 string basses, I saw Dream Theater open for Iron Maiden on Tuesday…wow…

    just got home from seeing Hole then Joan Jett and the Blackhearts…which strikes the obvious debate…would you rather do Courtney Love or Joan Jett? (prime vs. prime and 2010 vs. 2010?)

  36. Juancho,

    Social Justice and The Big Lebowski are good enough for me. I have recognized your existence for several years, but I’m agnostic about most messiahs and Ronald Reagan.

    best wishes,

    jtb

  37. ¬Oprah,

    Now that you’re back to work, I spose you’re not up all night PT. I was just wondering where you moved to: back to the distant north or into the city.

    I’m always happy to see your return to the Report. I suppose it is inevitable that one day you will return to Nunavut and stay with the wilderness, but until then I will enjoy your comments.

    jtb

  39. Typhoo is the best “all day” tea, while Earl Grey is the one if you are doing it properly.

    I tried Liptons when I was in the States last year and it hit the spot nicely, no complaints.

    First thing in the morning a cuppa gives me the strength to do all the difficult stuff like smiling and speaking.

  41. On a side note, Cal Ripken was once quoted as saying:

    “I’d like to think that someday two guys will be talking in a bar and one of them will say something like, ‘Yeah, he’s a good shortstop, but he’s not as good as ole Ripken was.’ ”

    And to think, instead he got Nostrils and the infamous “Carl Rappaport” conversation. That’s what probably made him go prematurely gray.

  42. Gretchen-Gotta love a girl who can quote baseball but your Phillies are giving me a case of the goo!

    How long does it take get the hang using a droid? This took 15 minutes to type and about ten tries. I feel like I have sausages for fingers.

  43. @WB, my bf has the Droid and in the even that I need to use it for whatever reason, it takes me at least 10 minutes to type a sentence. Digital keyboards are the worst. I’d suggest sticking with it though because the slider keyboard is even worse.

  46. Just navigating oh just figured out it can finish words for you when you use the virtual keyboard cool

  48. Any of you that haven’t tried Red Bush (or “Rooibos”) tea need to get your ASSES out there and get some. They often try to blend it with something such as vanilla or orange. If you must get it blended go with the vanilla. It’s available in most grocery stores.

    It’s supposed to cure a variety of ailments, but I consider that a bunch of cockamamie bullshit.

    The real reason to try it is that smell and taste will change your life. It’s like nothing you’ve ever had before. Promise. Even if you aren’t a hot tea drinker, try it. And report back to me. Hear me? REPORT BACK!

  49. “Cock Rockers”

    You’re sitting at a bar and someone sneaks up behind you, stands on a small stool, and lays his filthy flacid penis at the intersection of your shoulder and neck. If you react with shock and disgust (as most people do) then a lot of undercover cock rockers beat you to death with jumper cables.

    Soon everyone except for the cock rockers, homosexuals, whores, and people who have numb neck / shoulder areas will be the only ones left. What the fuck kinda world would that be?

    HORRIFYING!

  50. Let it be known that I make tea by letting the hot water run in the sink. Once it’s as hot as it might get I drop a tea bag into the mug and put the cup under the water. Once it’s full I yank the tea bag out and gulp it down.

    Let me just say that tea sucks. It’s as weak as my left arm. Terrible. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I even tried putting “biscuits” in it, as I understand this is what the English do. Well after only two biscuits the weak liquid was all but gone. What a ripoff. What a scam. Go fuck yourself, tea drinkers. At this time.

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