Coffee, Tea, and Other Stuff About Me

Yesterday morning I went out to get the mail, with a cup of coffee in my hand.  There was a new issue of Esquire in the box, and I accidentally dropped it on the porch.  Then, when I bent over to pick it up, I dumped hot coffee all over Bill Clinton’s face.

It probably looked like a statement of spontaneous political outrage.  But it was really just clumsiness.  Believe me, I’m not nearly that passionate about things.

But I started thinking about how such a scenario could spiral out of control…

Say someone had been walking past our house when the episode occurred. They might have thought they saw a man remove a magazine from a mailbox, with Clinton’s face on the front.  And after taking one look at it, he growled in protest, threw it angrily to the ground, and flung hot coffee all over it.

Depending on the political leanings of the person walking by, things could’ve gotten complicated from there.  I might’ve been labeled as some sort of radical right-wing kook, and possibly targeted by students groups or one of those free speech outfits that’s always trying to shut people up.

Or the person could’ve run up to me, shook my hand, and nominated me to chair the local tea party organization.  And suddenly I’m surrounded by signs labeling the president as a “moran.”

Then I’d be swept up in an unstoppable series of wacky events, involving me and some beautiful female stranger who irritates me at first but I eventually come to appreciate, trying to retrieve a laptop from bad men, and finally being tied to chairs in an abandoned warehouse by a man with a pinkie ring and a ludicrous New Jersey accent.

Luckily, however, nobody was walking past at the time.  Whew!

Sorry about yesterday.  I was incredibly fatigued for some reason, and ended up taking a Nostrils-like nap on the couch, instead of writing an update.  I didn’t, however, rest a hot water bottle on my vagina, thank you very much.

And in my own defense, I didn’t plan the nap in advance, it just happened.  I started out reading a book, and before I knew it… the book was on the floor and my mouth was hanging open like a school carnival bean bag toss.

Then I slept another ten hours last night.  What’s happening to me?  This beerless July is weird, man.  Strange things are happening.  The black circles under my eyes are even receding a bit.  It’s very odd.

And speaking of Nostrils, I went out and bought a box of Yorkshire brand tea yesterday.  It was stocked in the “international” section of Wegmans, and was inspired by a conversation I heard on Clive Bull’s radio station.  Callers were arguing about their favorite brand of tea, and it seemed to come down to Yorkshire and something called PG Tips.

I don’t drink much hot tea, but wondered if the real British stuff tastes any different than the fake Brit stuff we’re sold.  So, I went to Wegmans and they had both brands, if you can believe it.  PG Tips was in a bigger box, and cost more, so I went with the Yorkshire.

And yeah, I can’t tell much difference.  But, of course, I’m no expert.  The folks calling into the radio show were talking about using special water, etc.  I mean, they take that shit seriously, and I don’t.  So, I’m probably not the greatest judge in the world.  But it tasted roughly the same as other hot teas I’ve tried.

Are you a tea person?  I think it’s going to become a very snooty and snobby thing in the near future.  Already there’s a HUGE section at Wegmans, with dozens of obscure brands.  I think it’s going to be like coffee, wine, and microbrews soon.  Or maybe it is already?

Here are two comedy classics, for your Friday enjoyment.  Here and here.

Now for a pic
of my beloved, long-gone grandfather, standing in the middle of Charles Avenue in Dunbar, in 1960 or thereabouts.  Right here.  He’s one of the people I said I’d like to have a beer with, if someone ever invented a time machine.  He died during the 1975 World Series, and was an excellent grandfather.

And finally, I was flipping through one of my old notebooks a few days ago, and at some point I wrote the following:  Movie idea – “When Cripples Attack!”  It made me laugh, and maybe someday I’ll actually write the screenplay.

But, for the time being, I’d like to use it as an excuse for a Question of the Day.  In the comments, please tell us your ideas for horror/sci-fi movies that will never be made. I’m looking for titles mostly, but there are no rules.  If you want to give us a brief synopsis of the story, that’s cool too.

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.  I have a to-do list that needs some attention.

See you guys next time.   Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker
Order your Surf Report t-shirt today!


  1. says

    Rooibos DOES NOT suck. Don’t listen to Gretchen. Try it, boys, girls, and otherwise. You’ll agree with me. Gretchen is as full of shit as a port-o-potty outside a Mexican bran muffin factory. Don’t listen to her.

  2. neilyoungfan says

    @ Limey-
    So, I’ve never understood why how you heat the water is important in making tea (microwave, electric kettle or stovetop). My microwave heats water to boiling in about 3 minutes. I steep the tea bag (I use Red Rose) for 4-5 minutes. I’ve also tried boiling the water on the stovetop and the tea tastes the same to me.

  3. t-storm says

    Two things before I sign off to go to the land of hops and barley:

    I was going through some of my Amazon reviews and found this for Slooberbone’s Barrel Chested
    “These guys rock better than my sister sleeps around, and my sister is reeeeeeeally good at sleeping around. ”

    And second, fucking around on the net I found this:
    What Shat That?: A Pocket Guide to Poop Identity [Book]

  4. t-storm says

    A one-of-a-kind field guide to matching species with their feces, this unique book features 50 animals and their droppings. Twenty-five full-color photos, 50 illustrations, and 25 scale drawing accompany facts, figures, and feature boxes.

  5. dto says

    Hey t-storm…poop ID-ing is part of the drill up here. Freshness counts when it’s bear or mountian lion. Skunks mean target practice and racoons aren’t a problem unless they get your dog by the nose. When I’m hiking or riding horse…I usually leave a reminder I’m around too. Mostly just pee. That works too!

    Speaking of missing reporters…where’s Poo been?

  6. johnthebasket says


    If Zombies have “non-life-threatening injuries” is that good for them or bad?

    And who the hell is issuing driving licenses to the undead? I’m all for celebrating cultural diversity, but there otta be a limit.

    I suppose somebody figures that if they let Richard Nixon have a license, then anybody gets one.

    Thanks for the link.


  7. Gretchen says

    WB: Holy shitty rooibos, what a game, eh? I thought my head would fall off. Thank you Rollins for putting a bullet in it!

  8. says

    TFM the reason your tea sucks is because your water is too hot. I like to to dangle two tea bags off my cock during my morning shower. Once the water is right I put my mug under the twins and collect the goodness that is earl gray.

  9. Not Oprah says

    OMG, I am reading the most recent comments and dying laughing.

    Farty – glad to see back in full swing.

    jtb – I live in Northern BC at the moment. It’s not as remote as some of the other places I’ve lived. I will just be here long enough to recover from my time not working, then probably move back to the coast (or somewhere else).

  10. Limey says

    @neilyoungfan – when you microwave water it often gets too hot, i.e. beyond its natural boiling, which is too hot for a proper cuppa. Naturally boiling water is the correct temperature for brewing.

  11. mark0510 says

    … and don’t forget to let it brew in a teapot for 5 mins before pouring. Oh, and scones with clotted cream just finishes the whole thing off.

  12. Not Oprah says

    Has WVSR gone to hell in a handbag? Have we switched from debauchery to tea? Farty, save us!!!

  13. johnthebasket says


    This extended poufter disscussion about tea is similar to the poufter disscussion about beer a couple of weeks ago. Later I will be modeling lounging ensembles for the stylish tea/beer aficionado to wear whilst quaffing, and demonstrating which finger to hold aloft when sipping.


  14. WVKay says

    Tea? I got nothin’. I’m climbing up in the tree with the rest of the naked people.

  15. mark0510 says

    jtb – This is the first time I’ve ever heard of beer drinking as a pastime for poufters. I must be one of these “new men” that I keep reading about !!

  16. Chuck in Belpre says

    I used to drink Cutty straight out of the bottle which explains a lot of things. Back then beer was a chaser. Poufter? I think not.

  17. dto says

    Shot of Gold and a Coors. SOP when I hit a bar. Fuck-it. What time is breakfast over? I’m thrusty now.

  18. says

    I’m so drunk that I can’t see out of my left eye. I went to the hospital last night because after 4 hours of trying I still couldn’t get an erection. They told me I had it backwards. I’m still not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

    Hospital parking garages are a great place to set up meth labs, by the way.