Coffee, Tea, and Other Stuff About Me

Yesterday morning I went out to get the mail, with a cup of coffee in my hand.  There was a new issue of Esquire in the box, and I accidentally dropped it on the porch.  Then, when I bent over to pick it up, I dumped hot coffee all over Bill Clinton’s face.

It probably looked like a statement of spontaneous political outrage.  But it was really just clumsiness.  Believe me, I’m not nearly that passionate about things.

But I started thinking about how such a scenario could spiral out of control…

Say someone had been walking past our house when the episode occurred. They might have thought they saw a man remove a magazine from a mailbox, with Clinton’s face on the front.  And after taking one look at it, he growled in protest, threw it angrily to the ground, and flung hot coffee all over it.

Depending on the political leanings of the person walking by, things could’ve gotten complicated from there.  I might’ve been labeled as some sort of radical right-wing kook, and possibly targeted by students groups or one of those free speech outfits that’s always trying to shut people up.

Or the person could’ve run up to me, shook my hand, and nominated me to chair the local tea party organization.  And suddenly I’m surrounded by signs labeling the president as a “moran.”

Then I’d be swept up in an unstoppable series of wacky events, involving me and some beautiful female stranger who irritates me at first but I eventually come to appreciate, trying to retrieve a laptop from bad men, and finally being tied to chairs in an abandoned warehouse by a man with a pinkie ring and a ludicrous New Jersey accent.

Luckily, however, nobody was walking past at the time.  Whew!

Sorry about yesterday.  I was incredibly fatigued for some reason, and ended up taking a Nostrils-like nap on the couch, instead of writing an update.  I didn’t, however, rest a hot water bottle on my vagina, thank you very much.

And in my own defense, I didn’t plan the nap in advance, it just happened.  I started out reading a book, and before I knew it… the book was on the floor and my mouth was hanging open like a school carnival bean bag toss.

Then I slept another ten hours last night.  What’s happening to me?  This beerless July is weird, man.  Strange things are happening.  The black circles under my eyes are even receding a bit.  It’s very odd.

And speaking of Nostrils, I went out and bought a box of Yorkshire brand tea yesterday.  It was stocked in the “international” section of Wegmans, and was inspired by a conversation I heard on Clive Bull’s radio station.  Callers were arguing about their favorite brand of tea, and it seemed to come down to Yorkshire and something called PG Tips.

I don’t drink much hot tea, but wondered if the real British stuff tastes any different than the fake Brit stuff we’re sold.  So, I went to Wegmans and they had both brands, if you can believe it.  PG Tips was in a bigger box, and cost more, so I went with the Yorkshire.

And yeah, I can’t tell much difference.  But, of course, I’m no expert.  The folks calling into the radio show were talking about using special water, etc.  I mean, they take that shit seriously, and I don’t.  So, I’m probably not the greatest judge in the world.  But it tasted roughly the same as other hot teas I’ve tried.

Are you a tea person?  I think it’s going to become a very snooty and snobby thing in the near future.  Already there’s a HUGE section at Wegmans, with dozens of obscure brands.  I think it’s going to be like coffee, wine, and microbrews soon.  Or maybe it is already?

Here are two comedy classics, for your Friday enjoyment.  Here and here.

Now for a pic
of my beloved, long-gone grandfather, standing in the middle of Charles Avenue in Dunbar, in 1960 or thereabouts.  Right here.  He’s one of the people I said I’d like to have a beer with, if someone ever invented a time machine.  He died during the 1975 World Series, and was an excellent grandfather.

And finally, I was flipping through one of my old notebooks a few days ago, and at some point I wrote the following:  Movie idea – “When Cripples Attack!”  It made me laugh, and maybe someday I’ll actually write the screenplay.

But, for the time being, I’d like to use it as an excuse for a Question of the Day.  In the comments, please tell us your ideas for horror/sci-fi movies that will never be made. I’m looking for titles mostly, but there are no rules.  If you want to give us a brief synopsis of the story, that’s cool too.

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.  I have a to-do list that needs some attention.

See you guys next time.   Have a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker
Order your Surf Report t-shirt today!

131 Responses to “Coffee, Tea, and Other Stuff About Me”

  1. Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!!

    [Reply]

  2. huh.

    [Reply]

  3. hmmm.

    [Reply]

  4. top 5!!! now to the update.

    [Reply]

  5. Irish tea rules. Much better than Imperi..uh..English tea. I prefer Barry’s in the green box.

    [Reply]

  6. Hey-O!

    [Reply]

  7. I drink the PG Tips tea on a daily basis (with milk and honey), ever since I gave up coffee about 6 years ago. Coffee ties my stomach up into knots for some reason.

    I like the nightlife; I like to boogie…..

    [Reply]

  8. Yes, I’m a tea person, and became one about five years ago after my doctor told me to cut down on caffeine because of my high blood pressure. So I pretty much gave up my extreme love of coffee (loved it so much I would go so far as to buy green beans from single mountain-side farms picked by hand, and roast them in my own roaster), and switched to the much-less-caffeinated world of tea. After much experimentation with the help of the great online tea distributor Upton Tea Imports (www.uptontea.com), I’ve come to really appreciate a fine tea. Teas are almost, but probably not quite, as satisfying as coffee, when it comes to the appreciation of the finer things in life (in the sense that one can develop an appreciation of micro-brews or single-malt scotches or hand-made cheeses). But tea definitely doesn’t give the same eye-opening kick that coffee does — which I suppose is a good thing, for my blood pressure.

    The strange thing about the Brits, however, is that even though they drink far more tea than Americans do, I really don’t think they appreciate the finest of teas. I’ve had PG Tips and other English teas, and while they’re perfectly adequate “everyday cuppas,” there’s nothing particularly special about them. There’s not much difference between a Lipton tea made in the U.S. and a PG Tips made in the U.K., except perhaps that there’s more tea in a PG Tips bag than in a Lipton bag, and therefore it’s easier to make a more robust cup of tea with the PG Tips. And I think Brits want their tea especially robust, because they almost always add milk and/or sugar; whereas I think true lovers of fine teas prefer the tea all by itself with no adulterants (I never add milk or sugar or anything else to my Upton teas).

    Anyone interested in exploring the world of fine teas, I urge you to try some of the samplers at Upton:

    http://www.uptontea.com/shopcart/catalog.asp?begin=0&categoryID=109

    It’ll take a while to find a tea that grabs you, but I guarantee you’ll find one eventually (probably more than one); and the process is an interesting journey.

    [Reply]

  9. And because on the computer screen the word “Lipton” looks almost identical to “Upton,” I want to clarify: Lipton is the mass-produced generic American tea. Upton is the online distributor of fine teas from around the world.

    [Reply]

  10. I much prefer a black tea in a gallon jug from Arizona Tea Co. Sweet tea I believe it is called. Guess I am not the one to ask about fine teas.
    That’s all I got.
    At this time.

    [Reply]

  11. Tea sucks unless it’s poured over ice and mixed with an equal amount of sugar.

    [Reply]

  12. Oh gawd, Jeff’s tea totalling now. If that’s not a sign of the apocalypse, it should be.

    Anyway, my two cents on tea. I’m an avid green tea drinker, but I know you probably don’t want to go that crazy. For black teas, I recommend Lipton Yellow Label. It’s loose leaf (so you’d have to invest in a tea strainer) and sold in a yellow box in Indian food stores. It’s not the usual watered down Lipton swill one can find in any old American grocery store. That shit’s tea on training wheels and frankly I reject the implication that the American palette isn’t sophisticated enough to “handle” real tea.

    No, Yellow Label is strong and full bodied and simply wonderful straight or with sugar and cream. Lipton also has a Green Label tea, but I find that best for iced tea. Just made two jugs of it this morning, in fact.

    [Reply]

  13. I do tea. I had to lay off caffeine a couple of years ago and I’m an all day hot beverage drinker at work, so I turned to the old decaf hot tea. Took me a long time to learn to love it, but now, even though I’m back on caffeine again, I still do the hot tea thing for the first cuppa. With milk. And 1 pack of yellow or blue sweetener. Tetley Decaf English Breakfast in the purple box. Two tea bags, big mug setting on the Kuerig then nuked for 1 minute 20 seconds for super hot. Love it. Tried all the “high-end” fancy-dancy teas. Tetley English Breakfast.

    [Reply]

  14. Oh my god he is tea totalling!” Beerless July is fo real.

    See you morans later!

    [Reply]

  15. The only tea I like is at the Japanese restaurant. I think they call it Saki.

    On to more important things.

    “It Came From Down the Street”
    Not as spooky as It Came From Space, or from another dimension, but still potentially scary.

    “When Time Slowed Down A Little – Not Enough To Really Bother You, But Enough To Make You Late For Your Kid’s Soccer Practice”
    Just not as good as When Time Stood Still.

    “Star Debates”
    Before the actual wars broke out. This may actually air on C-SPAN.

    “LeBron To Announce Next Year’s Contract”
    Ok, who really gives a crap?

    [Reply]

  16. I’m a southerner man, tea is best served in a tall chilled glass on ice, slightly sweetened with honey, a twist of lemon and sprig of mint and if i see a pinky poke out, I will break it off.

    My ideal for a sci-fi movie would have been Brynhildr and I stealing an alien space ship and touring the galaxy in search of the universe’s best beer and sausage and correcting alien bad grammar. Ok Bryn, you can laugh now.

    [Reply]

  17. kellyc96!!!!

    [Reply]

  18. Scariest movie idea: Attack of the Prohibitionists

    Sequel: Attack 2: Return of the Tea-Totallers

    [Reply]

  19. If time slowed down a little, wouldn’t you be early for your kid’s soccer practice? Somehow, that sounds even more frightening.

    How about:

    “Back to the Present” Like Back to the Future, but you wouldn’t really notice a difference

    “2012 A Space Odyssey” Mayan people contemplating the end of the world IN SPACE!

    [Reply]

  20. ‘Hicklets of the Corn’

    [Reply]

  21. ‘Mullets Among Us: A Camaro Odyssey’
    ‘Half-Shirt of the Opera’

    [Reply]

  22. Not really a hot tea lover. And I just recently became a fan of iced tea. Maybe it’s an aquired taste? I have a cuppa coffee in the AM, although less in the summer, for colon blow purposes. Otherwise, I could do without that too.

    Cue the background music…………”Gargirls”. Not to be confused with “Gargoyles”.
    A group of slimey, scale-y, girls that emerge from the Mon River at night. The lounge lizards go from bar to bar and prey on intoxicated men, seduce them, and take them back to the river for what the men think is a “one-nighter”. The Gargirls experiment with the men’s bodies, rob them of their intellegence and money. The men are taken back to the bar where it all began with no recollection of the night before.

    TA-DA!

    [Reply]

  23. Another Dave – “When Time slowed… ” funny!

    Vicki – Tetley rules but I do the orange pekoe decaf. Nothing like a good cuppa…

    I drink decaf coffee too. Caffeine and my bowels are not on speaking terms…. or if they do talk, all they do is shout.

    Movie Titles
    When Humidity Attacks
    Attack of the Touchdown Jesus
    A July without Beer – Hell on Earth
    The Procastibating Man

    [Reply]

  24. I’m not a big tea drinker, I can’t decipher the difference between teas either. One thing I do know though, is that Arizona Arnold Palmers are the perfect thing to quench any thirst on a hot day. I see that old man on the front of the can and I’m all over it. My boyfriend will buy one and he can hear me trying to drink it from miles away.

    I think a truly horrific sci-fi movie in my opinion would be the ‘Attack of the Concerned Employee’. I’m pretty sure I could write a whole screen play about it, and it would be based on a true story.

    Speaking of sci-fi movies, has anyone ever seen the movie ‘Fire in the Sky’? That movie scared me so bad when I was kid I had nightmares for years…’til I saw Freddy Kruger.

    [Reply]

  25. hot fuzz- I’m trying to decide if “The Procastibating Man” is a typo or a story about a man who keeps putting off…well you know?

    [Reply]

  26. WB it’s …. you know

    when you’ve gotten so far behind you might as well say… “I’ll go fuck myself”

    [Reply]

  27. Brittney,
    Fire in the Sky is a classic. I heard Art Bell interview the real guy it was based on, Travis Walton, a few years ago and it gave me chills. Movie was creepy too.

    [Reply]

  28. I think fire in the sky guy was just looking for a way to cover his first bi-curious encounter (alien anal probing ….sure….that explains the tearing… sure).

    (I almost wrote “anal probing my ass” but that just didn’t feel right.)

    Ok – maybe “didn’t feel right” wasn’t a good phrase either.

    It was a pretty good movie though.

    [Reply]

  29. How about Fire in the Cavity?

    [Reply]

  30. “Fire in the Sky”…..is that about the 3 brothers that were either camping or fishing and were abducted by alien’s that did all sorts of “probing” and experimentation??

    [Reply]

  31. LOL, do I drink tea? I’ll stop laughing in a few minutes.

    [Reply]

  32. Some drunk hick in a pickup sheared off a telephone pole down the street last night at 3:12 AM. All of my hard wired smoke detectors began the “power outage chirp” noise which makes my dog nuts, so she has to dig her toenails into me to tell me she is scared and needs to take a shit immediately.

    So, the AC stops running and at 6:00 AM the temperature inside the house is up to about 80 degrees, too hot to sleep.

    Thank God the power was restored shortly after. Now back to the normal 69 degrees in here.

    [Reply]

  33. Both PG Tips and Yorkshire are fine basic teas. I have a big box of PG Tips on the kitchen counter and spare in the pantry. Amazon is the place to buy it.

    I suspect you’re making tea like an American, i.e. using a mug of warm tap water (shudder) or microwaved hot water (double shudder) then waving some tea at the mug from a safe distance. After this 10 second ‘steeping’ you’ll be adding lemon or half and half, and you won’t be dunking either.

    This book might be a good primer:

    http://www.amazon.com/Nice-Cup-Tea-Sit-Down/dp/0751537659/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278701050&sr=8-3

    [Reply]

  34. this from a guy who drinks warm beer?

    [Reply]

  35. I don’t drink warm beer.

    [Reply]

  36. Oh Limey Limey Limey. Still bitter about the whole Tea Party thing? Would it surprise you to know that I use an electric kettle daily? Granted I picked up that idea in Germany, but give me credit for finding one in the States way back in 1999. Oh, and my loose leaf Yellow Label gets a 3-5 minute steep depending on the size of the cup. Pansy tea brewing indeed.

    [Reply]

  37. well it was funny when I wrote it… well…funny to me…well now I just feel …well….I’ll just go make some warm weak tasteless tea

    [Reply]

  38. When I was pregnant with my first child I was told not to drink coffee so i switched to tea. Every morning during morning sickness i would eat saltines and drink tea. Every morning i would throw up saltines and tea. I quickly lost the desire to have either of those items in my diet.
    After an 18 year hiatus from tea I have recently started to drink it again. I am pretty sure I woudl not be a tea snob though.

    Satines- still can’t eat them. blech!!!

    [Reply]

  39. I even mentioned my movie that will never be made few posts back.

    “Zombies Vs. Cyborgs”

    *Spoilers*
    It starts off as a straight zombie flick when an all girls nursing school is infected with zombies. Then, when the girl nurse zombies kill off and entire towns police and swat teams, the army sends in their special project unit. The unit is made up of 14 cyborg soldiers that were critically wounded in battle, so they were made into zombies. There is a group of Mexicans and gringos fighting the zombies from inside the city and the cyborgs from outside the city. At one point an heroine junkie shoots up just as he is infected with zombieism and he becomes a super-zombie who destroys most of the cyborgs. At the very end a couple of the Mexican/Gringo team escape the city and one of the cyborgs that is mostly human gets infected by the zombie virus from the Super-Heroine-Zombie and becomes a super cyborg zombie; thus opening up for a blockbuster sequel.

    *End Spoilers*

    Now if someone wants to produce develop and distribute this all the while giving me lads and loads of money, I am up for letting this not be a movie that will never be made.

    [Reply]

  40. Let the record show I use an electric kettle and a “brown Betty” teapot; and I let my tea steep for at least two minutes. But like a member of the great unwashed, I take it with milk and sugar. I saw Her RH Queen Elizabeth II last week… She knew and gave me a dirty look.

    Attack of the warm tap water (shudder) or microwaved hot water (double shudder) then waving some tea at the mug from a safe distance after a 10 second steeping with lemon or half and half without dunking TEA
    Silence of the Lemon

    When Warm Beer Attacks

    Tea Baggers (are we doing porno ones too?)

    [Reply]

  41. You had me at “all girls nursing school”

    [Reply]

  42. How many of you are aware that Mr T has now changed his name to Mr Tea?

    Hmmm

    At this time

    [Reply]

  43. The soldiers were made into cyborgs, not zombies. That wouldn’t make any sense.

    [Reply]

  44. Gretchen – very good, have a Digestive :)

    I googled Tea Party. Yikes. What a bunch of kooks. Are they a bunch of self-loathing tea baggers? Confusing stuff.

    [Reply]

  45. Stupid Word, making my “Heroin” into “Heroine”.

    I should read my stuff before wasting server space. I guess I should stop wasting server space.

    [Reply]

  46. Yes, I think I do need a digestive. Lorna Doones just aren’t cutting it. ;)

    Attack of the Eighty Foot Lorna Doones!!

    [Reply]

  47. “The Translucents”

    “Attack of the Boy Band”

    “Karma Chameleon”

    “Alien Rebirth”
    This 5th sequal to the original film stars a bald Britney Spears as the heroine…the plot involves the heroine and her young teenage sister repeatedly giving birth to aliens

    [Reply]

  48. Tea Party 2: The Teabaggers Attack Balls Out!

    In Dunk-O-Vision. Or Gag-O-Vision. John Waters to direct.

    [Reply]

  49. The Decision: Edward, Jacob, or LeBron

    Tagline: “Who will you choose: Fangs, Fur, or Game?”

    Moviegoers select which character they want, they’re escorted to theatre 1, 2, or 3, wherein they watch an hour long special of their man’s toiletry habits.

    [Reply]

  50. May cause unintentional death.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38099455/ns/world_news-asiapacific/

    [Reply]

  51. I love tea and prefer the Irish Breakfast Tea its stronger. Steeped in kettle boiled water for 5 full min. But have been known to use Earl Grey to make a gallon of sweet Iced tea. Is that sacrilegious? Its really good and I have caused several Okies to convert from their Liptons or Louisian.

    [Reply]

  52. horror movies:

    The 3:00 Ballbuster – Rise of the Unmuted
    Dormancy Platform
    Dormancy Platform II Still Not Dead
    Dormancy Platform 3 Not Necessarily Alive

    [Reply]

  53. Return of the Black Rubber ifsts

    [Reply]

  54. Hey Kristin! Tea gets me talking.

    Movie: Grad School Cyborgs 2: Back in the Lab

    [Reply]

  55. Uncle Wedgie,

    I see why your movie won’t be made. Imagine people looking to see what’s at the theater tonight and saying, “ifsts? WTF is that?” and moving along to Chuck Norris Kicks Ass part 37.

    Sorry, not trying to bust your balls, it made me really laugh out loud at work when I read your typo. Good Stuff :)

    [Reply]

  56. @Uncle_Wedgie – try a smaller size, it’s affecting your typing.

    [Reply]

  57. iFist-New fangled Apple product for consenting adults!

    [Reply]

  58. @Bikerchick-Um, honestly I don’t really remember. I tried watching it again like a year ago and just couldn’t sit through it. I know at the beginning they are camping or something though and then one of the guys gets sucked up into a ship and then he comes back and starts reliving his abduction. I just remember a part where he is at family party and collapses under the kitchen table and they find him under there hallucinating. It’s just creepy…

    I’m not afraid of Freddy anymore though. Freddys dumb.

    [Reply]

  59. [cue deep movie voice-over]

    “Airport 2010-Cavity Check”…beware of flying the friendly skies!

    …just when you thought it was safe to sit down–”Alli-the Sequel”

    “Old Country Buffet-Return of the Short Bus!”

    [Reply]

  60. Here’s a movie I can’t believe has never been made – even by the borderline personality types at Sundance and Cannes.

    I don’t know what to call it. “Attack of Uranus”? (to throw off the MPAA)

    At any rate, it’s the most basic premise: Either alien or earth-bound mutant monsters (believe me: their origin won’t really matter “in the end”) are lurking in the sewers and septic systems in America (particularly the high-tone neighborhoods, due to the rich nature of their excrement; grey poupon and all that). They wait for a “host” to be seated on the throne when suddenly they snake up through the plumbing and drive right up their ass. At this point, if “host” is the idea, the beast will deposit its young. If “meal” is the purpose of the moment, then the monster begins to dine. Gives new meaning to the phrase “eats it from the ass in”.

    Eventually they are rescued by some uber-Roto-Rooter man or the Tidy Bowl man, or else after everyone is put on a strict diet of El Charrito frozen Mexican entrees and Genesee Cream Ale. Nobody – not even aliens – could take a steady stream of that sh!t.

    Fin!

    [Reply]

  61. sunshine
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxAKFlpdcfc

    [Reply]

  62. Where is this Wegman’s you were talking about? I can’t seem to find one in WV!

    I personally think that Lipton’s is a fine cup of tea. I’m a Brit in WV and seem to remember drinking Lipton’s in England too.

    My favourite is PG tips though. I drank it back home and now Big Lots has a decent sized box in supply for a mere $2.50!

    I think it’s better than Yorkshire tea but I’m a softy Southerner so what do I know?

    [Reply]

  63. Sometimes life is just a Constant Comment…
    .

    Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
    You can hear the boats go by
    You can spend the night beside her
    And you know that she’s half crazy
    But that’s why you want to be there
    And she feeds you tea and oranges
    That come all the way from China
    And just when you mean to tell her
    That you have no love to give her
    Then she gets you on her wavelength
    And she lets the river answer
    That you’ve always been her lover

    L. Cohen

    [Reply]

  64. Juancho, on July 9th, 2010 at 12:20 pm Said:
    Oh my god he is tea totalling!” Beerless July is fo real.

    See you morans later!

    .
    Is Juancho trying to combine morons and Mormons? Which should be insulted? Is this just one of those Boney Moroni deals?

    And young lady, my position on green tea is the same as my position on green tea and ham. I do not like them on a boat.

    jtb

    jtb

    [Reply]

  65. http://eater.com/archives/2010/07/08/the-candwich-a-sandwich-in-a-can.php

    Another sign of the impending apocalypse.

    [Reply]

  66. Candwich – that’s just silly. Regarding Jeff becoming a tea toddler, I’m a little frightened, he might make it through July but I might not.

    For tea, I only drink hot tea when I am frozen and can’t warm up (I don’t drink coffee) which is maybe once a year. I like iced tea now and again though.

    jtb – I think Juacho is refering to Jeff’s comment above about signs stating Bill Clinton is a ‘moran’.

    [Reply]

  67. First Ghana misses two open nets. Now Candwich. It can’t be a coincidence. The “hand of God” is near.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  68. Thanks, N.O. I don’t know whether I feel stupider for missing an entire paragraph of the post, or for jiu jitsuing myself into submission. Sorry, Juancho.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  69. See JTB, that’s what eschewing green tea gets you.

    [Reply]

  70. I saw Predators last night. I’ll give it a B.
    I love me some Walt Goggins.

    Do you love me? Depends.
    About a nursing home romance.

    [Reply]

  71. t-storm – thanks, hilarious, you just put a big smile on my face!

    I’m heading to the pub shortly with some co-workers, I think I will celebrate tea-less July.

    [Reply]

  72. If memory serves this guy was the originator of “morans”

    http://moranswithsigns.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/moran-sign.jpg

    I think it was a pro invading Iraq demonstration. Moran.

    [Reply]

  73. Horror…”Pfister Hotel”

    “The Tell Tale Testicle”

    “Cannibal Cafe”

    “Same Time Next Nightmare”…(I’ve actually started on that. I’m 7000 words into it. Who knows?)

    [Reply]

  74. ….disclaimer………There’s a cool movie named “Scotland P.A.”…Christopher Walken. It very well could have been called …”Cannibal Cafe”. Didn’t want anyone to think I was stealing here.

    [Reply]

  75. “The Tell-Tale Testicle”???!!! Does it like, you know…..throb?

    [Reply]

  76. Yes….Throbbing and swelling and changing colors too. Blue is a must. All adutions will be handled by Jasmine and her assistant…Mr. Earl Grey.

    [Reply]

  77. Okay, but what secret is the throbbing testicle trying to reveal? Enquiring minds want to know!

    [Reply]

  78. Enquiring minds want to know!….

    “As he lies in his darkl quiet, waiting for sleep to to take him away from his tortured day, his thoughts still haunt is soul. Amontillado is gone……”

    [Reply]

  79. Crap!!!! No “l” in dark and it’s “his soul”….Crap…I really hate doing that. Really…hate it!!!!

    [Reply]

  80. Poe is twirling in his grave, DTO. Twirling. ;)

    [Reply]

  81. nevermore…

    crap wrong poem

    [Reply]

  82. You know, I might have been taking the wrong ingestive path to green tea. I’ve been brewing it with hot water. I should have been eschewing it.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  83. jtb- if any surf reporter recognizes my existence I categorically file it as a compliment. Moran bastards!

    [Reply]

  84. for the love of all that is sacred, please stop the tea-bagging…I’m afraid to pass out over here…I’m not a fan of ballchineans…

    icecycle…speaking of 6 string basses, I saw Dream Theater open for Iron Maiden on Tuesday…wow…

    just got home from seeing Hole then Joan Jett and the Blackhearts…which strikes the obvious debate…would you rather do Courtney Love or Joan Jett? (prime vs. prime and 2010 vs. 2010?)

    [Reply]

  85. For a wee bit o British humour:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZSoFIfJsgY&playnext_from=TL&videos=9eD9k4aV71A

    [Reply]

  86. Juancho,

    Social Justice and The Big Lebowski are good enough for me. I have recognized your existence for several years, but I’m agnostic about most messiahs and Ronald Reagan.

    best wishes,

    jtb

    [Reply]

  87. ¬Oprah,

    Now that you’re back to work, I spose you’re not up all night PT. I was just wondering where you moved to: back to the distant north or into the city.

    I’m always happy to see your return to the Report. I suppose it is inevitable that one day you will return to Nunavut and stay with the wilderness, but until then I will enjoy your comments.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  88. @ jtb – I think even the Dude would appreciate this: the Bacon Brothers performing Footloose:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4LjM8rXWgo&playnext_from=TL&videos=0FaMDde5nTQ

    …maybe a white russian is the answer to the oppresive heat of this beerless july.

    [Reply]

  89. Typhoo is the best “all day” tea, while Earl Grey is the one if you are doing it properly.

    I tried Liptons when I was in the States last year and it hit the spot nicely, no complaints.

    First thing in the morning a cuppa gives me the strength to do all the difficult stuff like smiling and speaking.

    [Reply]

  90. Ok, now there’s “Knit Meat”:

    http://illusion.scene360.com/art/10164/knitted-meats-packed-and-ready-to-go/

    Jeff swears off beer for a month and suddenly Candwich and Knit Meat hit the market. I don’t think this is a coincidence. You best jump off that wagon before the whole earth whips off its axis!

    [Reply]

  91. On a side note, Cal Ripken was once quoted as saying:

    “I’d like to think that someday two guys will be talking in a bar and one of them will say something like, ‘Yeah, he’s a good shortstop, but he’s not as good as ole Ripken was.’ ”

    And to think, instead he got Nostrils and the infamous “Carl Rappaport” conversation. That’s what probably made him go prematurely gray.

    [Reply]

  92. Gretchen-Gotta love a girl who can quote baseball but your Phillies are giving me a case of the goo!

    How long does it take get the hang using a droid? This took 15 minutes to type and about ten tries. I feel like I have sausages for fingers.

    [Reply]

  93. @WB, my bf has the Droid and in the even that I need to use it for whatever reason, it takes me at least 10 minutes to type a sentence. Digital keyboards are the worst. I’d suggest sticking with it though because the slider keyboard is even worse.

    [Reply]

  94. event*

    [Reply]

  95. This one has the slider.

    [Reply]

  96. Just navigating oh just figured out it can finish words for you when you use the virtual keyboard cool

    [Reply]

  97. Always says ducking instead of fucking, its always trying to cutesy up the cuss words.

    [Reply]

  98. Any of you that haven’t tried Red Bush (or “Rooibos”) tea need to get your ASSES out there and get some. They often try to blend it with something such as vanilla or orange. If you must get it blended go with the vanilla. It’s available in most grocery stores.

    It’s supposed to cure a variety of ailments, but I consider that a bunch of cockamamie bullshit.

    The real reason to try it is that smell and taste will change your life. It’s like nothing you’ve ever had before. Promise. Even if you aren’t a hot tea drinker, try it. And report back to me. Hear me? REPORT BACK!

    [Reply]

  99. “Cock Rockers”

    You’re sitting at a bar and someone sneaks up behind you, stands on a small stool, and lays his filthy flacid penis at the intersection of your shoulder and neck. If you react with shock and disgust (as most people do) then a lot of undercover cock rockers beat you to death with jumper cables.

    Soon everyone except for the cock rockers, homosexuals, whores, and people who have numb neck / shoulder areas will be the only ones left. What the fuck kinda world would that be?

    HORRIFYING!

    [Reply]

  100. Let it be known that I make tea by letting the hot water run in the sink. Once it’s as hot as it might get I drop a tea bag into the mug and put the cup under the water. Once it’s full I yank the tea bag out and gulp it down.

    Let me just say that tea sucks. It’s as weak as my left arm. Terrible. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I even tried putting “biscuits” in it, as I understand this is what the English do. Well after only two biscuits the weak liquid was all but gone. What a ripoff. What a scam. Go fuck yourself, tea drinkers. At this time.

    [Reply]

  101. Rooibos sucks.

    [Reply]

  102. Rooibos DOES NOT suck. Don’t listen to Gretchen. Try it, boys, girls, and otherwise. You’ll agree with me. Gretchen is as full of shit as a port-o-potty outside a Mexican bran muffin factory. Don’t listen to her.

    [Reply]

  103. @ Limey-
    So, I’ve never understood why how you heat the water is important in making tea (microwave, electric kettle or stovetop). My microwave heats water to boiling in about 3 minutes. I steep the tea bag (I use Red Rose) for 4-5 minutes. I’ve also tried boiling the water on the stovetop and the tea tastes the same to me.

    [Reply]

  104. Zombies Can’t Drive. Who knew?

    [Reply]

  105. Two things before I sign off to go to the land of hops and barley:

    I was going through some of my Amazon reviews and found this for Slooberbone’s Barrel Chested
    “These guys rock better than my sister sleeps around, and my sister is reeeeeeeally good at sleeping around. ”

    And second, fucking around on the net I found this:
    What Shat That?: A Pocket Guide to Poop Identity [Book]

    http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=poop&hl=en&cid=12529817436519636987&ei=1w85TJHqOoOC2QShzY3tDQ&sa=title&ved=0CBgQ8wIwATgA#p

    [Reply]

  106. A one-of-a-kind field guide to matching species with their feces, this unique book features 50 animals and their droppings. Twenty-five full-color photos, 50 illustrations, and 25 scale drawing accompany facts, figures, and feature boxes.

    [Reply]

  107. Hey t-storm…poop ID-ing is part of the drill up here. Freshness counts when it’s bear or mountian lion. Skunks mean target practice and racoons aren’t a problem unless they get your dog by the nose. When I’m hiking or riding horse…I usually leave a reminder I’m around too. Mostly just pee. That works too!

    Speaking of missing reporters…where’s Poo been?

    [Reply]

  108. Chuck,

    If Zombies have “non-life-threatening injuries” is that good for them or bad?

    And who the hell is issuing driving licenses to the undead? I’m all for celebrating cultural diversity, but there otta be a limit.

    I suppose somebody figures that if they let Richard Nixon have a license, then anybody gets one.

    Thanks for the link.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  109. Speaking of shit. WB are you shitting your pants right now?

    [Reply]

  110. WB: Holy shitty rooibos, what a game, eh? I thought my head would fall off. Thank you Rollins for putting a bullet in it!

    [Reply]

  111. I’ ve shat. Ducking reds

    [Reply]

  112. Gretchen,
    You’d do well to lay off my boy Jason. Red Bush tea is the shit.

    [Reply]

  113. TFM the reason your tea sucks is because your water is too hot. I like to to dangle two tea bags off my cock during my morning shower. Once the water is right I put my mug under the twins and collect the goodness that is earl gray.

    [Reply]

  114. Sorry surf reporters, first time doing this drunk.

    [Reply]

  115. Man up and learn a skill.

    [Reply]

  116. Go fuck yourself

    [Reply]

  117. on a slant William Peter

    [Reply]

  118. William Peter?

    [Reply]

  119. Yes William Peter which is what happens when I try to break apart WB while drunk

    [Reply]

  120. Okay sort it tomorrow

    [Reply]

  121. OMG, I am reading the most recent comments and dying laughing.

    Farty – glad to see back in full swing.

    jtb – I live in Northern BC at the moment. It’s not as remote as some of the other places I’ve lived. I will just be here long enough to recover from my time not working, then probably move back to the coast (or somewhere else).

    [Reply]

  122. @neilyoungfan – when you microwave water it often gets too hot, i.e. beyond its natural boiling, which is too hot for a proper cuppa. Naturally boiling water is the correct temperature for brewing.

    [Reply]

  123. … and don’t forget to let it brew in a teapot for 5 mins before pouring. Oh, and scones with clotted cream just finishes the whole thing off.

    [Reply]

  124. Has WVSR gone to hell in a handbag? Have we switched from debauchery to tea? Farty, save us!!!

    [Reply]

  125. ¬Oprah,

    This extended poufter disscussion about tea is similar to the poufter disscussion about beer a couple of weeks ago. Later I will be modeling lounging ensembles for the stylish tea/beer aficionado to wear whilst quaffing, and demonstrating which finger to hold aloft when sipping.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  126. It ain’t the pinkie.

    jtb

    [Reply]

  127. Tea? I got nothin’. I’m climbing up in the tree with the rest of the naked people.

    [Reply]

  128. jtb – This is the first time I’ve ever heard of beer drinking as a pastime for poufters. I must be one of these “new men” that I keep reading about !!

    [Reply]

  129. I used to drink Cutty straight out of the bottle which explains a lot of things. Back then beer was a chaser. Poufter? I think not.

    [Reply]

  130. Shot of Gold and a Coors. SOP when I hit a bar. Fuck-it. What time is breakfast over? I’m thrusty now.

    [Reply]

  131. I’m so drunk that I can’t see out of my left eye. I went to the hospital last night because after 4 hours of trying I still couldn’t get an erection. They told me I had it backwards. I’m still not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

    Hospital parking garages are a great place to set up meth labs, by the way.

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply

Read the Novel!

Paperback and Kindle

So, who is this guy?

Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

Become a Surf Report VIP!

Join the mailing list and stay up to date on the latest Surf Report shenanigans. Once subscribed, you will also be granted access to occasional super-secret updates the more casual readers will never see.

Sign up today and receive a free gift! More info here.

Name:
Email:

Automatic Updates

There are two easy ways to receive Jeff's updates automatically, as if by voodoo black magic...