Yesterday morning I went out to get the mail, with a cup of coffee in my hand. There was a new issue of Esquire in the box, and I accidentally dropped it on the porch. Then, when I bent over to pick it up, I dumped hot coffee all over Bill Clinton’s face.
It probably looked like a statement of spontaneous political outrage. But it was really just clumsiness. Believe me, I’m not nearly that passionate about things.
But I started thinking about how such a scenario could spiral out of control…
Say someone had been walking past our house when the episode occurred. They might have thought they saw a man remove a magazine from a mailbox, with Clinton’s face on the front. And after taking one look at it, he growled in protest, threw it angrily to the ground, and flung hot coffee all over it.
Depending on the political leanings of the person walking by, things could’ve gotten complicated from there. I might’ve been labeled as some sort of radical right-wing kook, and possibly targeted by students groups or one of those free speech outfits that’s always trying to shut people up.
Or the person could’ve run up to me, shook my hand, and nominated me to chair the local tea party organization. And suddenly I’m surrounded by signs labeling the president as a “moran.”
Then I’d be swept up in an unstoppable series of wacky events, involving me and some beautiful female stranger who irritates me at first but I eventually come to appreciate, trying to retrieve a laptop from bad men, and finally being tied to chairs in an abandoned warehouse by a man with a pinkie ring and a ludicrous New Jersey accent.
Luckily, however, nobody was walking past at the time. Whew!
Sorry about yesterday. I was incredibly fatigued for some reason, and ended up taking a Nostrils-like nap on the couch, instead of writing an update. I didn’t, however, rest a hot water bottle on my vagina, thank you very much.
And in my own defense, I didn’t plan the nap in advance, it just happened. I started out reading a book, and before I knew it… the book was on the floor and my mouth was hanging open like a school carnival bean bag toss.
Then I slept another ten hours last night. What’s happening to me? This beerless July is weird, man. Strange things are happening. The black circles under my eyes are even receding a bit. It’s very odd.
And speaking of Nostrils, I went out and bought a box of Yorkshire brand tea yesterday. It was stocked in the “international” section of Wegmans, and was inspired by a conversation I heard on Clive Bull’s radio station. Callers were arguing about their favorite brand of tea, and it seemed to come down to Yorkshire and something called PG Tips.
I don’t drink much hot tea, but wondered if the real British stuff tastes any different than the fake Brit stuff we’re sold. So, I went to Wegmans and they had both brands, if you can believe it. PG Tips was in a bigger box, and cost more, so I went with the Yorkshire.
And yeah, I can’t tell much difference. But, of course, I’m no expert. The folks calling into the radio show were talking about using special water, etc. I mean, they take that shit seriously, and I don’t. So, I’m probably not the greatest judge in the world. But it tasted roughly the same as other hot teas I’ve tried.
Are you a tea person? I think it’s going to become a very snooty and snobby thing in the near future. Already there’s a HUGE section at Wegmans, with dozens of obscure brands. I think it’s going to be like coffee, wine, and microbrews soon. Or maybe it is already?
Here are two comedy classics, for your Friday enjoyment. Here and here.
Now for a pic of my beloved, long-gone grandfather, standing in the middle of Charles Avenue in Dunbar, in 1960 or thereabouts. Right here. He’s one of the people I said I’d like to have a beer with, if someone ever invented a time machine. He died during the 1975 World Series, and was an excellent grandfather.
And finally, I was flipping through one of my old notebooks a few days ago, and at some point I wrote the following: Movie idea – “When Cripples Attack!” It made me laugh, and maybe someday I’ll actually write the screenplay.
But, for the time being, I’d like to use it as an excuse for a Question of the Day. In the comments, please tell us your ideas for horror/sci-fi movies that will never be made. I’m looking for titles mostly, but there are no rules. If you want to give us a brief synopsis of the story, that’s cool too.
And I’m going to call it a day, my friends. I have a to-do list that needs some attention.
See you guys next time. Have a great weekend!