Charles Manson, Hot Dog Pizza, and Ancient Porn Memories

Charles Manson is up for parole again, and I’m kinda hoping they’ll let him out, so he can appear on next season’s Celebrity Apprentice.  Manson, Fonzie, Joe Walsh, Gilbert Gottfried, Jewel, McKenzie Phillips, Tootie etc.

I’m imagining Trump saying, “Charlie, you’re fired.”  And Charlie flying across the conference table, like an agitated spider monkey, and stabbing The Donald in the neck with a Paper Mate FlexGrip.  Great TV!

Alas, it will never happen…  Our stuck-up society will never allow a mass murdering cult leader with a swastika carved into his forehead to be a project manager on Apprentice.  Regardless of how well he might organize a “living window” display at Saks Fifth Avenue.  It’s too bad, really.

I linked to this at Facebook a few days ago, but now it’s all over the place.  Pizza Hut UK has introduced a new pizza with a hot dog hidden inside the crust.  Is it just one big wiener ring, or a series of wieners laid end-to-end?  I’m unclear.

Yeah, you might think I’d like something like this, but you would be wrong.  It sounds fully disgusting.  I’m intrigued by many of the extreme fast food offerings, but not this one.  Blecch.

What do you think?  Would you order this thing?  We need one of our UK readers to give us a review.  Dionne?  Ian?  Anyone else living inside the wiener crust district?   Are you up for such a project?  If so, we’ll need plenty o’ photos.

Toney is tired of hearing about it, but I’m still stressing about Friday’s doctor’s appointment.  I’ve taken an informal poll, and most people think he’ll just order blood work, and send me on my way.  But I’m convinced there will be high humiliation, topped off by a spirited game of Rock, Paper, Scissors inside my anal cavity.

Admittedly, I have a tendency to get carried away with things…

And speaking of that, an almost-forgotten ancient memory popped into my head yesterday, and I busted out laughing.  This is a little crude, so prepare yourself…

Years ago, during the Greensboro era, Rite-Aid offered video rentals, with a large “adult” section.  I think it cost a dollar per day, but I could be wrong about that.  But I remember you had to ask for the “adult catalog,” and make your selection by number — like at a Chinese restaurant.

“Yes, I’m going to go with #52 today.  Have you had any feedback on it?”  And the disapproving cashier would silently hand over a copy of The Load Warrior, or whatever, and I’d be on my way.

In any case, during one of those VHS epics, an “actress” spoke the following phrase:  “Ohhhhh gawd… I feel like I’m shitting a cock.”  I’m sure you can connect the dots on what was happening onscreen.  And I couldn’t stop laughing for ten minutes.  I kept rewinding it, and watching it again.

I was never a huge porn guy, but I indulged a bit, during a previous lifetime.  And that was the most hilarious, memorable moment of them all.  I wish I had it as a ringtone.

And I need to go to work now.  Holy crap, it’s late!  If you have any hilarious porn memories to share, or something you’d like to see Charlie Manson do once he’s released, please use the comments link below.

I’ll see you guys next time.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
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60 Responses to “Charles Manson, Hot Dog Pizza, and Ancient Porn Memories”

  1. I’d have to nominate Charles to work at California Department of Motor Vehicles. No one would notice……

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  2. Damn man!

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  3. Still laughing about the rock, paper, scissors! Good stuff!

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  4. You’re over 40. You’re getting a poking. Sorry, man.

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  5. I thought for sure you vote for old Chuck to appear on dancing with the stars. I’m just not sure what roll he would play there.

    “This is a little crude, so prepare yourself…” For this I had to mute the TV and set down the remote to get into to full-on Bevis and Butthead mode. And yet again, I am not disappointed.

    Sam

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    Sam in Massillon Reply:

    Actually, scratch dancing, lets put Manson on Survivor if that crap is still around. I bet he’d be a “natural”.

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  6. I believe it’s called a cock ring.

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  7. Should the UK now be considered “The Weiner Belt”?

    4 to 1 that Jeff Kay will have another man three knuckles deep in the poop chute by this Saturday night.

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  8. Another funny-ass update. How about Chuck Manson on ‘Wipeout’? I’d watch that.

    I’m sure if you were gonna have the scopin’ they would have you drink a quart of Liquid Plumber the night before. But you ARE getting probed.

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  9. Rock, Paper, Scissors…holy crap, that’s funny!

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  10. One of my favorite porn memories was after a wrestling tournament in high school we were having a pizza party at one of my friend’s house. Someone’s dad had a porno with a male midget receiving an HJ from a normal sized woman. The tiny man was doing this little dance as if he was just swinging his hips back and forth while standing on a table during the whole encounter. I remember her pinching his ‘thingy’ between her pointer and thumb and just going to town.

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  11. I’m voting for Charlie on Dancing with the Stars (or, our Italian version Ballando con le Stelle – really. Plus it’s three. Hours. Long.)

    Happy Wednesday, Surfers!

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  12. The pizza crust stuff reminds me of a time I stopped at Dairy Queen with one of my former project directors from work. He ordered a foot long hot dog, only to discover once he started eating it that it was two regular hot dogs laid end-to-end in a footlong bun. Wotta crock!

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  13. I thought manson worked at the 7-11 at 36th and penn in OKC?

    I’d totally eat the hotdog pizza.

    Me and my friends would rent porn for parties (at his mom’s house, with her there, hell chuck in belpre might even bank with her, anyway) and one movie this guy was banging this girl and realized she had a dick and he was like, “What’s that?!” and she very casually said “I’m a hermaphrodite” and it was just hilarious how she said it. And how do you go into that transaction not knowing there might be a dick involved?
    Oh, and he was cool with that.

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  14. I’d love to see Manson take the center spot in Hollywood Squares.

    Someone gave Beloved a porn tape (VHS) that had about 40 different “scenes” (for lack of a better word) and one had 2 white dudes doing a black girl. One going up the hershey Highway while the front guy was getting a BJ. They were both dressed like the KKK. I know it was porn, but man, talk about in bad taste.

    And here – satisfy yourself with this (the comments are the best part):

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/nude-maid-service-owner-running-a-clean-business-article-1.1059820

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  15. Jeff, it’s standard procedure for physicians to start giving the finger up the ass annually beginning at age 40. If I remember correctly, you’ve only had one physical since you turned 40, and that was with a female doctor with a female intern watching. I’m sure the only reason they didn’t give you the ream was because they didn’t want to embarrass you by giving you a boner. Since you’re gonna be visiting a male doctor this time, and since you’re well past 40 and have never had the procedure, I GUARANTEE you’re gonna get the ol’ finger up the ass. Count on it.

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    t-storm Reply:

    The sound you are hearing is the sound of a doctor’s appointment being cancelled.

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  16. What you have to do is get a woman doctor. They have small fingers. And I find the nut roll easier to take in a woman’s soft hands. She’s a doc, she’s seen it all so I ain’t worried about a reaction. Shit, my wife might get lucky when we get home. I’m actually scheduled for a physical tomorrow, thanks to my wife. And a week ago i was scheduled for and actually went through with a dual scopin’. I find out tomorrow about the result of the biopsy the scopin’ doc took out of my stomach. Not to be an alarmist, but I told that guy I’d wake up during the “procedure” and I sure as shit did. I remember the nurse telling me she was going to “give me something to help me relax”. Next thing i know, I’m waking up with a tube shoved down my throat. They noticed, and I was out again. Next thing I can recall, I woke up with a tube up my ass. At least they went with the upper end first. Then I was out till I woke up in recovery with my wife staring at me. At least I don’t have to have the ass reamin’ for another ten years. But all in all I’ve lived this long without this bullshit, and I suspect I’d have done just fine without it.

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    Henderson Reply:

    I was on my way out of the country for 3 years and needed a physical to increase my life insurance policy. I was on a layover and picked a name out of the phone book. Michael Fitzpatrick or something like that. I remember thinking a little Irish dude would have little hands.

    Nope. Black dude big enough to play offensive line for the Raiders. Just goes to show ya…… something.

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  17. Jeff my friend, this is one game of rock paper scissors where paper (anus) does not defeat rock (yer docs fist). =-)

    That would be an awesome celebrity apprentice line up, but even still, you know ol charlie isn’t going to go scooting over to donald, it’ll be tootie and the former coke head that will do charlies dirty work, becuase you know, he’ll have chatted them up earlier and have them ready to do his bidding when he says the magic word.

    Charlie trying to solicit money from his “friends”…
    ‘Come on warden, I know they only get one phone call, but he’s gotta call his loan shark for this donation’.

    [crazy eyes and wild hair charlie on the street]
    “HEY MAN! YOU GOTTA BUY OUR CELEBRITY BURGER! NOW! DO IT YOU COCKSUCKINGMOTHERFUCKER OR I”LL GET TOOTIE TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE”

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  18. I would try the hot pizza. I do not have any porn stories. Personally I think all porns that have a plot are are all hilarious.

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    t-storm Reply:

    I think I would try the hot pizza is a line from a porn.

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    Brittney…

    While my experience with porno is a little dated, the last plot-heavy adult films I watched included important household tips regarding plumbing repair, television and refrigerator maintenance, furnace adjustments and bedroom security matters. I don’t recall the comedy you reference, but I remember the lesson of always using the right tool for the job.

    jtb

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  19. Shit! Hot dog pizza*

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  20. I didn’t fully understand the bunker cam pic until I saw the tiny feet poking out of the big chicken. So random lol

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    Swami Bologna Reply:

    Or is the humor actually to be found with the guy in the background grasping his erect penis over his white apron. Could go either way.

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  21. So who’s collecting money for Jeff’s will he or won’t he pool?

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  22. I can picture Charlie yelling “Gentlemen, start your engines” at Talladega.

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  23. I think they should put ol’Charlie on MTV’s Real World. Six months in a house with a bunch of smart ass teenagers would be good TV.

    At least is the B-hole and not the P-hole.

    I don’t have any porn watching stories. But years ago I went to this estate sale and bought a piece of furniture for my shop. In one of the drawers we found a HUGE plastic dildo…not soft and cuddly like they are now…and a porn magazine from the 70′s. It was a whole story line about 2 girls knocking on this dude’s door asking to use his phone because their car broke down. The one girl had, what we call in the plastic surgey biz, banana boob’s. They all had a bush you could balance a golf ball on.

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  24. I could see Charlie on Swamp People……he’d fit right in with the Guist brothers !!

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    Is that the dad and his son who constantly bitch at each other? Son is fairly sane, but the dad is crazier than Charlie Chezwick.

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  25. My personal favorite of the porn watching years was an outdoor scene where flies were buzzing around the chick’s nether region.

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  26. No porn memories here, but I love, love, LOVE the image of Charles Manson stabbing The Donald in the neck! So far beyond awesome.

    As for the doc, it depends on the doc. Mine always said that you’re not eligible for the Anal Probe until your 50th birthday. In fact, I was at the doctor’s just a few weeks before my 50th, and he said “well, you’re not 50 yet, so we’ll get that next time.”

    In conclusion: does anyone here know how many grams of fiber are in a homemade pierogie? I’m going to say one gram each, but that’s just a guess.
    .

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  27. If you don’t have a pizza review by the first week of May I’ll see what I can do when visiting there. Good god that looks disgusting, I don’t like Pizza Hut’s salt topped pizzas at the best of times… are you sure you don’t want pork pies reviewed instead?

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    chill Reply:

    Pizza Slut actually only makes one kind of pie: the Salt Lover’s. And I am *not* one of your sodium-phobic home cooks who chronically under-seasons food.

    Yes, the Dog Ring looks completely repulsive.
    .

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  28. Ya know…that weiner sticking out of the crust in that photo looks like the begining (or is it end) of an uncircumsized schnozzle. Man…there’s some porn right there I tell ya.

    I’m thinking Charile could bring to life a non-animated version of, “The Family Guy” and the hilarity ensues when O.J. is released and buys the house next door.

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  29. I think ol’ Charlie could be an IKEA associate. It would at least answer the age old question: how many ways can you kill someone with an Allen wrench?

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  30. Do you think they’d let Charlie be the new spokesperson for Folgers coffee?

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  31. Just ate at McDonalds. Two cheeseburgers and a small order of stents.

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  32. Why didn’t you call me about this?

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  33. In college my roommates and I convinced a drunk roommate to order “Girls Gone Wild” (He was the only one with a credit card. Fast forward 6 to 8 weeks, we got home to find a frickin’ steamer trunk sized package on the doorstep. It turns out, when you order GGW, they send you a free gift of approximately 100 hours of additional porn.
    Being typical drunk college students, we set up a second TV in the living room and let the marathon begin.
    For approximately 3 weeks, every time someone was in the living room, there was porn running. Some notable titles/themes.
    – Bronco Milly (circa 1971)
    – NYC Lesbian Gang Bang
    – 2 Cocks In My Ass (1 scene, with approximately 1 1/2 hours of buildup)
    – And a Porn Bloopers tape. I wish I knew where this one ended up. scenes included a 5 minute in-the-eye montage and perhaps the funniest thing I’ve ever seen; a flexible young lady mid hump, mitting her head, knocking herself out and then crappy-flopping on the ground for about 30 seconds.

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    t-storm Reply:

    Is that like oven mitting?

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    Sam in Massillon Reply:

    Porno bloopers. It’s like you just summarily described four year of my life in two words.

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  34. Aw crap…with all this porno stuff going on ….is that Amazon logo thing the most baltent phallic thing that just shows up? I mean…look at that goddamn thing. By proportion…that’s a pretty good sized happy toy. I mean…damn….! Or is it just me and I should have done that sleep over with David Keller when he asked me?

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  35. Hey, I forgot some porn-a-like: National Lampoon in the 1970s. In particular I’m thinking of “Cock Tales” by Chris Miller, but there was also the Gentleman’s Bathroom Companion, the Encyclopaedia of Humor, and many special theme issues such as Pubescence. And don’t let’s forget the legendary “My Vagina” by John Hughes.
    .

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  36. Charlie never killed anyone. His crazy followers did. Let him go!

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    Uncle_Wedgie Reply:

    That is what happened with Rumsfeld

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    johnthebasket Reply:

    …and those German guys, Kissinger and Hitler.

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  37. A buddy of mine just read this, called me and reminded me of a story from high school.

    One of us had found some VHS porn and were hanging out on the couch in the basement with our at the time on/off slutty girl friends. The video had ended and things were moving in the favorable direction. I was in the corner with my lady friend, he was on the couch rounding second base. The video had neared the end and, of course no one was paying attention to it.

    Then, after the “credits” an outtakes reel started running. Weird, but whatever, I was busy and not going to stop to turn off the tape. The first outtake was this huge sweaty black dude goin’ after this girl like there was no tomorrow. All the sudden he stopped, made this face, and let out the most amazing fart ever. It was like someone tearing burlap inside a kick drum.

    My buddy and his girl both froze, looked back at us as we looked up like a herd of deer on a night highway. I’ll never forget him looking at me, turning and laughing so hard that he projectile vomited a beer/salsa mix onto the glass table in the middle of the room. All four of us laughed that laugh that’s so hard you don’t even hear anything and you have to check every few minutes to see who’s not breathing.

    After what had to have been 10 minutes of this, he runs upstairs and comes back with this folder. It has the numbers for everyone on the football and cheerleading teams and clearly this priceless moment needs to be shared with everyone RIGHT NOW. In between relapses of laughter, we start calling numbers. This is in the early 90′s during the sweet, sweet period where everyone had an answering machine, but caller ID hadn’t become widely available. We had the video queued up perfectly and “at the tone” we start playing it really f’ing loud while holding the receiver in the air.

    (beep)” oh yea! oh yea! shit yea! oh Jesus!…FFRRRRTT followed 30 seconds of riotous laughter. I laughed so hard for so long that it hurt when I got out of bed in morning.

    Monday morning and our plan had come off flawlessly until after school practice. I can remember the coach sitting all of us down, closing the door, and yelling, “alright, which one of you little fuckers called my wife last…” He didn’t even finish before I was buckled over in the corner in tears of laughter.

    Fast forward to the office and just before the principle sits down across from us, I look at my buddy, knowing he can still barely hold it back, and make the face that the dude in the video make exactly one second before he “let lose”. My buddy looked at me through the tears of laughter and mouthed out the words, “stop, I can’t take anymore”. I don’t remember much else about that year other than see my old man trying not to laugh as the tapes were played in front of him and my mom.

    Needless to say, we did not make the honor roll in academics, but instead were legends of the bathroom walls throughout the district.

    Good times were had by us.

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    Jeffy B Reply:

    That’s about the funniest damn story I’ve ever read. Tears of laughter, my friend.

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  38. Haven’t had a chance to sample the Pizza Hut Hot Dog Pizza yet (put have it pencilled in!)

    Looks like The Guardian have beaten me to it!

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2012/apr/13/hot-dog-stuffed-crust-pizza

    Despite your hesistance reckon it’s got to be done!

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  39. I don’t know what time Jeff’s appointment is but I just opened all the windows in my house and turned off all music. Given the MST and EST time difference and time lag for sound waves to travel…I should be timing this just about right.

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  40. Our Jiffy Pop haired friend is no longer a virgin. :(

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    dto Reply:

    …and I bet the Doctor won’t even call him in the morning.

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  41. Let’s take a poll. What do you think Jeff is screaming right about now:

    “Sweet Sainted Mother of Nipsy Russell – STOP!”

    “Christ, could you at least buy me a Yuengling first?”

    “MOMMMMMMMMMY!!!”

    “Hey, you know, this ain’t so bad!”

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    Bill in WV Reply:

    He’s yelling “MEDIC!!!!”, and “No, not you!!!”.

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  42. I think I may have been in a porn once.

    It was my first time in Los Angeles.
    Me, my fuck buddy, her friend and her friends fuck buddy went down for a weekend.

    We stayed in some dirt sleeze cheap hotel way down from the main drags.

    The building was shaped like a U.

    We we walking to our room and passed behind a rapist van with its back doors open. Someguy was in the back of the van pointing a camera out.

    He looked to be filming a huge tittied woman in tore up pants and what I think I remember being a leather boob hammock (could have been pleather). there was a way awesome amount of side boob.

    She was standing with her legs all akimbo and tracing here finger around some scantly clad dude who was leaning against a pole.

    That’s my most awesome porn story.

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  43. So Mr Kay… how is walking? =-)

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  44. best porn story was my 10th grade spanish teacher who was pretty loopy but overall a nice lady decided to teach us spanish one day via a movie titled (translated) “strawberries and chocolate”.

    it was a pretty saucy movie to begin with but 20 mins into the film a guy in a hotel looks through a key hole in another room and for about 30 seconds theres some pretty hardcore ass slappin porn. i think i even heard a few arsenio hall style woop woops from the normal slackers in the back of the class. Hands down best class ever. She apparently didnt think much of it but the school adminstrators were shitting bricks trying to do damage control.

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  45. Honestly…think about it. We’re checking back in now and then to read about some guy, have another guy, shove his finger up his ass and declare the shovee…healthy.

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Thanks for stopping by! My name is Jeff Kay, I was born while JFK was president, and it's all very embarrassing and corny. Today I'm a suburban husband and father, who is sometimes accused of being a bit tightly-wound. The West Virginia Surf Report! is my creative outlet, and insurance policy against completely losing my shit. I hope you'll stick around and participate in the lively community of geniuses and curmudgeons who hang out here every day. I love a full 87% of them! And while you're at it, please follow me at Twitter and Facebook.

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