Please note: I am not associated with Dairy Queen in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to do it, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it will only lead to confusion and sadness. Hell, I don’t think I’ve even been to a DQ during the past five years or so. However, I am a big fan of their Oreo Blizzards and wish I had one right now. Let’s get down to business.
I am looking for a job.
This is a statement, not a question. So… your attention to detail is obviously lacking, and it’s safe to say you’re not very bright. If you can’t even get this simple thing right, we can only imagine what a giant pain in our asses you’d be if somebody dropped the ball and we actually hired you. Oh, we’ve been around long enough to know you’d be some ungodly flavor of spirit-crushing nightmare. Indeed, the very thought of you working for this company casts a dark shadow across our souls. But we’ll keep your application on file. Thanks for stopping by.
Would you donate to our event or program?
Look, we’re getting our asses handed to us over here. Everybody’s into health foods and FroYo these days, and it’s like 1965 in this place. Our “ice cream” is bags of chalky powder that arrive on Thursdays via DHL. We have no money. We can let you put a cancer bucket by the cash register, but that’s about the best we can do. Sheesh.
What happened to Dennis the Menace?
It’s a cartoon from the 1950s, man. Do you think these entitled little shits that pass for children nowadays are going to be impressed by something like that? We need revenue, goddammit. Dennis the Menace? Why not Kukla, Fran, and Ollie? Or Corky the freaking Circus Boy? Of course Dennis was better than that fat-pants pervert Subway had for a long time, but still. I’m so depressed right now I could cry.
I have a product or service I want to offer DQ. How do I do so?
We invite you to put together a detailed proposal, format it accordingly, and twist it straight up your anus.
Why don’t the employees at my local DQ wear gloves?
Well, aren’t you the precious little snowflake? We tested gloves in a couple of stores in Ohio, or someplace equally horrible, and it turned out to be a complete waste of money. The employees there would put them on, and continue to scratch their buttholes, reset their scrotums, and tweak their cooters. So, what’s the point? Anyway, get off your high-horse with that crap. Studies have shown that a small amount of filth and feces makes the body stronger, and keeps the immune system firing on all cylinders. Eating poop is healthy!
What is a Royal Treat?
It’s a premium option at the Magic Bliss Oriental Massage out on Highway 81. Why do you ask?
What is the “glue” that is used to hold the paper on my soft serve cone?
There’s no easy way of knowing. That shit comes in from China or Singapore, or whatever. God only knows what they use over there. Hell, it’s probably something different every time. Our best advice: if the rampant runaway rashing and/or blindness hasn’t kicked in after one hour, you’ll probably be OK.
Where can I find nutritional information for your products?
Oh my God. This is Dairy Queen. Is it impossible for you to remove the stick of righteousness from your ass for just 15 or 20 minutes, and enjoy a fucking Dilly Bar for godsakes? I bet you’re a lot of fun at parties, aren’t you? Do you ever get the feeling your “friends” are making conspiratorial faces at each other behind your back? Well, there’s a reason for that. Sweet sainted mother of Quinn Martin!