Please note: I am not associated with Dairy Queen in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to do it, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it will only lead to confusion and sadness. Hell, I don’t think I’ve even been to a DQ during the past five years or so. However, I am a big fan of their Oreo Blizzards and wish I had one right now. Let’s get down to business.

I am looking for a job.

This is a statement, not a question. So… your attention to detail is obviously lacking, and it’s safe to say you’re not very bright. If you can’t even get this simple thing right, we can only imagine what a giant pain in our asses you’d be if somebody dropped the ball and we actually hired you. Oh, we’ve been around long enough to know you’d be some ungodly flavor of spirit-crushing nightmare. Indeed, the very thought of you working for this company casts a dark shadow across our souls. But we’ll keep your application on file. Thanks for stopping by.

Would you donate to our event or program?

Look, we’re getting our asses handed to us over here. Everybody’s into health foods and FroYo these days, and it’s like 1965 in this place. Our “ice cream” is bags of chalky powder that arrive on Thursdays via DHL. We have no money. We can let you put a cancer bucket by the cash register, but that’s about the best we can do. Sheesh.

What happened to Dennis the Menace?

It’s a cartoon from the 1950s, man. Do you think these entitled little shits that pass for children nowadays are going to be impressed by something like that? We need revenue, goddammit. Dennis the Menace? Why not Kukla, Fran, and Ollie? Or Corky the freaking Circus Boy? Of course Dennis was better than that fat-pants pervert Subway had for a long time, but still. I’m so depressed right now I could cry.

I have a product or service I want to offer DQ. How do I do so?

We invite you to put together a detailed proposal, format it accordingly, and twist it straight up your anus.

Why don’t the employees at my local DQ wear gloves?

Well, aren’t you the precious little snowflake? We tested gloves in a couple of stores in Ohio, or someplace equally horrible, and it turned out to be a complete waste of money. The employees there would put them on, and continue to scratch their buttholes, reset their scrotums, and tweak their cooters. So, what’s the point? Anyway, get off your high-horse with that crap. Studies have shown that a small amount of filth and feces makes the body stronger, and keeps the immune system firing on all cylinders. Eating poop is healthy!

What is a Royal Treat?

It’s a premium option at the Magic Bliss Oriental Massage out on Highway 81. Why do you ask?

What is the “glue” that is used to hold the paper on my soft serve cone?

There’s no easy way of knowing. That shit comes in from China or Singapore, or whatever. God only knows what they use over there. Hell, it’s probably something different every time. Our best advice: if the rampant runaway rashing and/or blindness hasn’t kicked in after one hour, you’ll probably be OK.

Where can I find nutritional information for your products?

Oh my God. This is Dairy Queen. Is it impossible for you to remove the stick of righteousness from your ass for just 15 or 20 minutes, and enjoy a fucking Dilly Bar for godsakes? I bet you’re a lot of fun at parties, aren’t you? Do you ever get the feeling your “friends” are making conspiratorial faces at each other behind your back? Well, there’s a reason for that. Sweet sainted mother of Quinn Martin!

Other Frequently Asked Questions

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Please note: I am not associated with Graceland in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to do it, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it will only lead to confusion and frustration. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever even been to Memphis. It’s not going to stop me, though. Let’s get to it.

What do I do if I need to cancel or make changes to an existing reservation?

See? I’m already irritated. How do you people manage to get through a day? You make reservations with this office, need to change them, and don’t know how to proceed? What’s the matter with you?! Call us, you idiots! Pick up the phone, and give us a call. Jesus.

Do you offer the tours in different languages?

This is Tennessee. If American isn’t good enough for you, then stay home. Certain accents and dialects are OK, but watch it. If the gibberish gets too thick in here, you’ll be asked to leave.

Can I bring a camera on tour?

Yes, but we don’t tolerate any asshattery. If you start posing like Elvis, or raising one side of your upper-lip in an Elvis fashion, you will be escorted off the property, beaten down, or both — depending on the mood of our head of security, Lucius.

Can I bring my camera tripod?

We encourage you to bring it, and leave it in the trunk of your car.

What should I bring with me when I tour?

Standard rock-climbing gear: climbing shoes, harness, helmet, rope, belay device, and an assortment of auto-locking carabiners.

Do you offer travel agent rates?

Absolutely not.

What discounts do you offer at Graceland?

We have a special program where we ask visitors to imagine that our prices are twice as much. Then, as they’re paying our regular rates, they sometimes feel like they’re getting a hell of a deal.

Do you offer free airport transportation to Heartbreak Hotel guests?

Wow! Heartbreak Hotel is a song, not an actual place of business. I’ve heard everything now.

Can the VIP Tour be broken up into more than one day?

You’ll be touring the ground floor of a house, not Paris. Quit being such a pain in the ass, and hand over your bank card.

Do you offer any discounts to St. Jude patients?

We’re not thrilled about it, but how would it look if we didn’t?

Do you offer a discount for the press?

Fuck off.

Do you allow pets on tour?

Yes! We encourage you to bring your dogs to Graceland. In fact, feel free to drop them off while you have dinner, or even leave town on vacation. Elvis’s mansion is almost always alive with the joyful sound of hundreds of dogs barking and rutting.

What is your wheelchair accessibility at Graceland?

If you can manage to get one up several long flights of stairs, you should be fine.

What do you offer for hearing impaired guests?

We have many things to see.

Is the upstairs of Graceland Mansion open for tours?

No. Elvis’s “laboratory” and labyrinth of windowless, sound-proof chambers are off-limits to the general public, because they were deemed to be too disturbing. The stretching rack, however, is on display in the garage.

Other Frequently Asked Questions

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Please note:  I am not associated with Hormel Foods in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions.  But I’m going to give it a shot, anyway.  Please do not take any of my advice; it could very well lead to heartache and an unpleasant evening atop the toilet with an anus o’ fire.

How do I prepare my ham or turkey?

Seriously?  People send letters to corporations, asking how to cook a ham?  That makes me sad.  If the process baffles you, and you find yourself thinking, “Do I boil it? Should I fry it up in a skillet?” just ask someone, like your mother.  I’d be willing to bet there’s a person in your life who has cooked a goddamn turkey.  Don’t compose a note to a multinational corporation, you idiot, just ask someone.  Or, if you’re estranged from the rest of the human race, because you’re “misunderstood,” there’s this thing called Google.  Sheesh.   In any case… you put it in a pan, and shove it in the oven for a while.  I hope this helps.

Are recipe submissions accepted?

What?  We process and package meats inside giant factories here.  You do understand that, right?

Do you have shelf stable products available for an emergency preparedness kit?

You mean, like when the government comes for your guns and you’re forced to hole up inside a fortified compound in the hills?  Yes, we suggest the Hormel Pepperoni Stix and Cheese for this situation.  And remember, it’s not if, it’s when.

Where can I find Hormel Food products not carried at my local grocery store?

Try the meat department at JCPenney.

Can I serve refrigerated meat products after the expiration date?

You certainly can!  Assuming, of course, you’re the type of person who gives their family spoiled meat.  If that describes you, then, by all means, go for it.

Cure 81 Ham

This is not a question.  It’s like if someone walked up to you, and the following conversation took place:

Them:  Hey, can I ask you something?
You:  Sure.
Them: Chest of drawers.

You see?  It doesn’t track.

What is SPAM?

It’s a delicious block of mysterious meats, the color of human flesh, packed inside a gasket of snot.  People like to pretend they don’t like it, but they’re liars.  It’s freakin’ fantastic.  The secret:  don’t think about it, just enjoy it. Sure, it keeps getting bigger the longer you chew, but put that out of your mind.  Just fry it up, and go to town.  And never mind the clear spots.

Can I join the SPAM fan club?

That’s the spirit!  Just send us your t-shirt size (6X or 8X), and we’ll start the process immediately.

Other Frequently Asked Questions

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