Daily

Appeared in First Episode, October 11, 1975:

Dan Aykroyd – still kickin’
John Belushi (d. March 5, 1982)
Valri Bromfield – still kickin’
Albert Brooks – still kickin’
George Carlin (d. June 22, 2008)
Jacqueline Carlin – still kickin’
Chevy Chase – still kickin’
George Coe – still kickin’
Wendy Craig – still kickin’
Jane Curtin – still kickin’
Andrew Duncan – still kickin’
Al Franken – still kickin’
Rhonda Hansome – still kickin’
Jim Henson (d. May 16, 1990)
Janis Ian – still kickin’
Andy Kaufman (d. May 16, 1984)
Jerry Nelson – still kickin’
Laraine Newman – still kickin’
Michael O’Donoghue (d. November 8, 1994)
Garrett Morris – still kickin’
Frank Oz – still kickin’
Don Pardo – still kickin’
Billy Preston (d. June 6, 2006)
Gilda Radner (d. May 20, 1989)
Paul Simon – still kickin’
Alice Tweedy – still kickin’

7 dead/19 alive

Running Order of the First Episode:

Wolverines (sketch)
Michael O’Donoghue – DEAD
John Belushi – DEAD
Chevy Chase – ALIVE

Introductions
Don Pardo – ALIVE

Monologue
George Carlin – DEAD

New Dad Insurance (sketch)
Dan Aykroyd – ALIVE
Jacqueline Carlin – ALIVE
Chevy Chase – ALIVE

Musical performance
Billy Preston – DEAD

The Courtroom (sketch)
George Coe – ALIVE
Chevy Chase – ALIVE
Jane Curtin – ALIVE
Garrett Morris – ALIVE
Dan Aykroyd – ALIVE
John Belushi – DEAD
Gilda Radner – DEAD

Comedy performance
Andy Kaufman – DEAD

Stand-up/music guest introduction
George Carlin – DEAD

Musical performance
Janis Ian – ALIVE

Victims of Shark Bite (sketch)
Jane Curtin – ALIVE
John Belushi – DEAD

Jamitol (TV commercial parody)
Chevy Chase – ALIVE
Michael O’Donoghue – DEAD

Next week’s show preview
Paul Simon – ALIVE

Weekend Update
Chevy Chase – ALIVE
Laraine Newman – ALIVE

Triopenin (TV commercial parody)
Chevy Chase – ALIVE

The Muppets
Jim Henson – DEAD
Jerry Nelson – ALIVE
Alice Tweedy – ALIVE
Rhonda Hansome – ALIVE
Frank Oz – ALIVE

Stand-up
George Carlin – DEAD

The Impossible Truth: A Film by Albert Brooks
Albert Brooks – ALIVE

Bee Hospital
Jane Curtin – ALIVE
Dan Aykroyd – ALIVE
Laraine Newman – ALIVE
Garrett Morris – ALIVE
Gilda Radner – DEAD
John Belushi – DEAD
Chevy Chase – ALIVE

Academy of Better Careers (TV commercial parody)
Gilda Radner – DEAD
Wendy Craig – ALIVE
George Coe – ALIVE
Jane Curtin – ALIVE
Jacqueline Carlin – ALIVE

Stand-up
Valri Bromfield – ALIVE

Show Us Your Guns (TV commercial parody)

Stand-Up
George Carlin – DEAD

Musical performance
Billy Preston – DEAD

Trojan Horse Home Security (sketch)
John Belushi – DEAD
Dan Aykroyd – ALIVE
Gilda Radner – DEAD
Garrett Morris – ALIVE

Triple Trac (TV commercial parody)
Andrew Duncan – ALIVE
Al Franken – ALIVE

Musical performance
Janis Ian – ALIVE

Goodnights
George Carlin – DEAD

If death were a base hit, the first episode of SNL would be batting a respectable .269, compared to the Woodstock Music Festival, which is stinking up the joint with a paltry .190 average.

Stay tuned for more important analysis, at the West Virginia Surf Report!

Toney was at Wal-Mart a few days ago, and said two women wearing t-shirts the size of the infield tarp at Wrigley Field were going around scanning items, and adding them to a wedding registry.  …Yes, at Wal-Mart.

And you know how you get behind a person in a store, and keep seeing them the whole time?  Even after you attempt evasive action, to try to break the pattern?  Well, that’s what happened to Toney.

She said the portly pair selected several “sort of understandable” items, but twice she called me laughing and almost hyperventilating.

The first time was when they scanned one of those sponge-on-a-stick deals some people use while washing dishes.  You know, so you can get the milk out of the bottom of the glass?  And how much money would one of those set a person back?  A dollar?  Two?  The woman put it on her wedding registry!

But the second was even better…

Toney swears it’s true, and I believe her.  She said the dumplin’ duo scanned a 12-count box of Wal-Mart brand ice cream sandwiches.

Now, I can almost understand presenting a couple with a box of ice cream sandwiches as a wedding gift, but shouldn’t the newlyweds set their sites a little higher, and go for the Blue Bunny brand, at least?  I mean, you only get married for the third time once.

But who knows?  Maybe they were afraid people might accuse them of putting on airs, and thinking they’re uptown?  Hey, I’m sure they know their guests better than I do…

We’re finally dumping our local monopoly of a phone company.  Longtime readers know we’ve been toying with the idea for several years, but didn’t really like the thought of using cell phones only.  It just didn’t feel right to us…

However, the company we’re forced to use has no direct competition, with the kind of prices you’d expect in such a situation.  Even with our service stripped down to the bare minimum (no caller ID, no voicemail, no nothing), it’s still costing us more than fifty dollars per month.  It’s a HUGE rip-off.

So we’re going to try Vonage.  Our equipment arrived yesterday, and we’re going to hook it up today.  For less than half of what we’re paying the local company, we’ll have unlimited calling and every bell and whistle known to man.

The only downside?  We’re going to have to change our number.  The aforementioned monopoly somehow controls all the telephone numbers in our town, and won’t allow them to be used with other services.  You think I’m joking?  Oh, you’d be mistaken on that count.

So we’re going to have to go with a number associated with some town I’ve never heard of, or visited.  I don’t even know…  Harelip Township?  Mongoloid Ridge?  I’m unclear.

In fact, I might be mistaken about this, but I don’t think our new number is even numbers, completely…  I believe it’s something like 4!3-2@*6.

But it’ll be worth it.  What do I care if our phone number is 4-exclamation mark-three-two-at symbol-asterisk-six?  That’s cool with me.

Any opinions on Vonage?  Are we making a mistake?

I heard a news report a few days ago about swine flu, and they said one of the best ways to avoid catching it is to never touch your face.  I laughed, and thought, “Who goes around touching their face all the time?”

But now that I’m aware of it, I’m starting to realize that I’m apparently a serial face-toucher, myself.  Who knew?  I’m constantly catching myself scratching, poking, flicking, and stroking…

Try it sometime, and you might be surprised.  Try to go for fifteen minutes without touching anything on your face.  Am I the weird one, or do you also find yourself messing around with face stuff more than you realized?  I might have to strap my arms down.

Joe T. sent me a scan of a baseball card this morning that made me chuckle, in a Beavis manner.  Take a look at it here, along with two others I added from the same “team.”

Who else can we include in our little hall of fame?  Help me out, won’t you?  ‘Cause my mind isn’t working properly, on account of the drip, drip, drip of dumbness.

And do you want to see something inexplicably sad?  Well, check this out.  Shane got his teeth fixed!  I can’t believe it.  For some unknown reason this throws my whole universe out of kilter.  Shane MacGowan with perfect (albeit grayish) teef?  I’m not sure I’ll be able to function in such a world…

And I like the sound of this place.  Have any of you visited it?  I think I need to make a pilgrimage in the near future.

The light bulb in my Miller High Life lamp burned out a few days ago, so I added them to the grocery list hanging on the fridge.  And I wrote “none of those stoopid Dairy Queen cone bulbs either, please” beside it, just to be sure.  I can’t have anything “green” in the Surf Report bunker.  I mean, seriously.

So Toney bought regular bulbs from Wal-Mart, but they’re 67 watts.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  67??  I don’t get it, but have a bad feeling.  It’s something feel-good, isn’t it?

Dammit!  Why can’t they just leave me alone?  At least while I’m inside this tiny room?

And from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk…  What are some of the best biographies or autobiographies you’ve read?  Three jump immediately to my mind:  this one, this one, and this one.  All were excellent, and stick with me through the years.  Especially the Raymond Chandler, for some reason…

Do you have anything on this subject?  Tell us about it in the comments.

And speaking of Clive, one of his callers said she graduated from some school (I’m unclear) in the 1950s, and the headmistress gave all the girls some “advice for life.”

1.  Don’t go near Piccadilly Circus
2.  Never drink pink gin
3.  Never touch a man on the back of his neck

WTF?  What kind of advice for life would you offer someone graduating from high school today?  Use the comments section below.

And I think that’s enough for one day…

I hope you guys have a great weekend, and all that stuff.  I might post a “special report” before Monday, but probably not.  I can’t imagine it happening two weeks in a row, but stranger things have happened (I’m told).

See you next time.

Now playing in the bunker.

On Saturday Toney and I visited the Insufferable Beer Snob Tavern (as I call it), inside Cooper’s Seafood in Scranton.

They have a rambunctious bar there that attracts college students, and features a large deck and people projectile vomiting into fireplaces, etc.  But hidden away in the rear of the sprawling restaurant complex is another, almost secret drinkery that’s more to my liking.

The room is small, relatively subdued, tricked-out with dark wood, and looks like a library in a millionaire’s mansion, circa 1948.  And, most importantly, they sell an amazing lineup of obscure, super-snooty draft beers…  Yes, the joint has my name written all over it.

We hadn’t been there in a long time, because our lives are crazy, but used to go two or three times per month.  On Saturday there was a sign outside that said they were offering Boddington’s on tap during the month of July, served in a British pub glass you could take home.

“Cool!” I shouted, before realizing it was no longer July.  Then I got irritated that we’re so lame we missed a great promotion that ran for an entire month.

I love Boddington’s.  It was on tap in the lobby bar at our hotel in London, and brings back pleasant memories of scratching my head in utter confusion while watching a cricket match on a huge TV amongst eastern Europeans in red sweatsuits.  I wanted a couple of those glasses…

And I got ‘em.  At first the bartender said they were completely out, that they were only being offered in July.  “C’mon man, it’s July 32!” I said.  And he somehow came up with two of the things.  It was a miracle!  Only fifteen seconds earlier none had existed, yet here they were.

And they look exactly like this.

Then we tried a Saranac summer ale that was fairly odd.  It didn’t even taste like beer really, it was more like lemonade, or something.  I drank it, and it wasn’t as horrible as it could’ve been, but it went directly to the NEVER AGAIN file.  I generally like Saranac beers (a lot), but this one was a little too novelty for me.

And to close out the category, I went with an Uncle Teddy’s Bitter, from a cask.  By far the best beer of the day…  It was served at room temperature, was mind-blowingly good, and is exactly why I love going to Cooper’s and “exploring.”

Yes, Toney and I are the Lewis & Clark of alcohol abuse…

While at the Snobby Prick Bar & Grill, we discussed many things.  Those little Saturday excursions are almost literally the only time we’re alone, without a million distractions.  Many of our biggest decisions have been made inside various barrooms in Lackawanna County, PA (for better or worse), but usually we’re just going on and on with the goofy shit…

And I’ll use our disjointed weekend conversation as the basis for our Questions of the Day.  I have two for you today.  Neither is great, I’m afraid, but together they might add up to something semi-interesting…  And here they are:

In how many states have you been issued a driver’s license?  Can you beat me?  I’ve had licenses in five different states:  West Virginia, Norf Carolina, Georgia, California, and Pennsylvania.  Have you had more than five?  How about foreign countries?  Tell us about it, won’t you?

And if you’re married, or living with someone, what’s the percentage breakdown on the household chores, male vs. female?  I admit I could do more…  Ahem.  I say it’s 75% Toney, 25% Jeff.  But Toney believes it’s more like 85/15.

However…  I load the dishwasher after meals, unload it once the filth has been blasted-off, make our bed every day, take out the trash, mow the grass, occasionally dust and vacuum, etc.  I’m not a COMPLETE slug.  Sheesh.

What about your house?  Give us your percentages by gender, in the comments section below.

And I’ll be back tomorrow, with a big ol’ Topic Dump ™.

See ya then!

Now playing in the bunker.

We recently had a problem with our cable service, and the company dispatched a person within hours to check it out.  I can’t really remember the issue, something to do with missing channels or somesuch.  But I recall being impressed by their quick response.

Unfortunately, we’ve had fresh, new trouble ever since that visit.  The picture turned horrible on the Big Ass Television (BAT), channels were disappearing and reappearing at random times, and everything just seemed generally unstable.

But since I’m the Head Complainer (Bitcher in Chief) at our house, and don’t watch too much TV, there wasn’t a lot of urgency to get it corrected.  The rest of the family just accepted the sub-par quality of the picture, and soldiered on.

And that’s simply not in my nature…

Toney finally called the cable company again on Sunday, and they sent a guy yesterday to “look things over.”  And he was a bit of a walking orifice, if you know what I mean.

Everything the dude said was tinged in sarcasm, and exasperation.  He acted like he was better than us, possibly because of his kick-ass utility belt.  I’m just not sure.  But I fought an urge to kick him full in the cockal region, almost from his first sneering words to me.

He was thorough, though.  I didn’t like his attitude, but believe he did a good job.  He crawled around our house on his knees, went inside the garage, walked around outside, climbed to the top of a telephone pole, etc.  They don’t usually possess that level of give-a-shit.  Ya know?

And it appears everything is fixed.  The picture is now better than it’s ever been.  He switched out some of the connector cables, and gave us a new DVR box.  Our old DVR was reportedly on the verge of melting down, and was the source of most of our problems, he said.

Yeah, that’s fine.  But what about Field of Dreams?  I recorded it off HBO about three years ago, and was planning to watch it within in the next half-decade, or so.  And now it’s gone!  The bastards took my movie!!

I also had Damnation Alley recorded on that thing, and it’s not available on DVD (as far as I know).  And a great documentary about the Brooklyn Dodgers, too.

Oh well.  What are you going to do?  We can’t very well watch Wipeout (Fatties Sliding Off Balls) in anything less than pure 1080p high definition, right?  I guess the tradeoff is worth it…

And since we’re on the subject, is there a greater piece of technology from the past ten years or so than the DVR box?  I can’t really think of anything better, it’s changed my life!  What do you think?  Also, if your DVR were to catch fire this very minute, would you lose anything gut-wrenching?  Tell us about it.  We’ll be your shoulder to cry on.

Please note:  I posted something new and stoopid at mockable this morning, which renders my second update questionable today.  I’ll try, but am rapidly running out of time here.  It might appear at 3 am…

See ya next time!

Now playing in the bunker.

On Friday we went to Knoebels in (as my spiritual adviser Bob Mould would put it) black sheets of rain.  It was a planned event for the older Secret’s swim team, and another kid was riding with us…  Otherwise we would’ve postponed it.  I mean, seriously.

We drove in a torrential downpour almost the whole way, and my wipers were going so fast I was afraid they might fly off and go sailing end-over-end into the woods.  And the main street in our little town was like a fast-moving creek; at one point an empty Tide bottle passed us on the right.

Toney was in constant contact with other people in our loose-knit entourage, and we were informed that traffic was stopped cold on I-81 (go figure).  So we left the interstate and just started driving in the general direction of the amusement park.

This threw Penelope, our British GPS guide, into a tizzy, and she kept trying to convince us to turn around and get back on 81.  But we continued, in a defiant manner, and she finally recalculated our asses to Knoebels, without using the Devil’s Parkway.  And we arrived at least a half-hour before everyone else, even though we were the last to leave our house…

As is the tradition, we stopped at the bathrooms when we first got there (it’s a long drive), and some old man sidled up to the urinal next to mine.  And he said, “Oh my god, this rain is going right through me.  I’ve spent the whole morning in the bathroom!”

What the hell?  What was he talking about??  Rain doesn’t make a person pee, does it?

The boys immediately rode several rides, in a full-on rainstorm.  And within minutes I was completely soaked, my t-shirt drooping and weighing about thirty pounds.

We bought a pizza (damn good), and dried off a little, but got drenched again once the pie disappeared.  It was crazy, but it’s a funny thing…  After about 45 minutes of continuous bitching, I got used to it.  Eventually I didn’t really even notice the rain anymore.  I guess it’s possible to adapt to almost anything?

And surprisingly enough, nearly every ride remained open.  The crowd was pretty light (of course), and it felt like we had the run of the place.  The younger Secret and I rode the Phoenix roller coaster, got off, and right back on again.  Usually we’re standing in line like a foo’ for an hour.

I know it probably sounds strange, but it wasn’t a bad day.  Not at all.  We had instant access to all the rides, and had a great time.  I don’t think I can fully endorse the idea of visiting an amusement park in a monsoon, but it worked for us… somehow.

A few random notes from the day:

While the Secrets and their (odd) friend were on something called the Downdraft, someone’s shoe came flying off the ride and nearly hit Toney.  It went sailing past her right shoulder, and ended up in some decorative foliage.  I’m just glad it wasn’t a prosthetic, or a set of false teeth.

While on the Phoenix I cooked up an idea for the future…  Near the beginning of the ride you go through a pitch-black tunnel for an extended period, and I’d like to someday pretend to vomit in the darkness.  Maybe I could smuggle on a freezer bag full of bean with bacon soup, make puking sounds, and sling the contents over my shoulder?  What do you think?

And right before the rain finally ended, we overheard a woman tell her husband, “This rain is making me go to the bathroom all the time.  It’s going right through me!”  What in the pearl-handled hell?!  What are these people talking about??  I seriously have no idea.

Finally, my food intake for the day:  three slices of pizza, a half pound of cashews, a sweet tea slushie, and two ice cream cones (chocolate/vanilla swirl, and Moose Tracks).  Knoebels has great food, at decent prices, and I do my best to, um, support their efforts.

And that’s pretty much it.  Are you planning any end-of-summer events?  We’ve only got a few short weeks before school cranks back up again, and are going to try to squeeze in a quick trip to my parents’ house in West Virginia.  We haven’t been there in a long time, and I’m fairly wracked with guilt.

What about you?  Is the summer fun over, or are you just getting started?  Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?

And please remember… I’m trying something new this week: updating twice a day.  So don’t forget about this morning’s update, right below this one.  I also posted a review of the Long John Silver’s fish taco on Sunday, so check that one out, as well.

I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker.