Above are the ones I’ve visited. I think it’s 27, plus Washington D.C. For some reason, D.C. is listed on all the interactive map sites as a state. Unless I missed a headline somewhere along the way, it ain’t a state. Oh well. According to this article, the average is 12 states visited. Seems low to me. Does it seem low to you? On the other hand, I know some people who’ve probably been to three states (two begrudgingly) so they skew the results.

A couple of things… I’ve been to the Denver airport a number of times, for layovers. But the article specifically says “excluding airport layovers,” so I didn’t count Colorado. Also, I’ve never been to Louisiana, which is something I’m not proud of. I will admit that whenever people start talking about how great New Orleans is… I just clam up and let them assume I’ve been there. I don’t lie, I just withhold information. Also, I’m not 100% sure about Maine. I might’ve crossed over the border, but I’m not certain so I didn’t count it. And it feels like I should’ve been in Michigan at some point, but can’t remember any details so I left it off, as well.

So, I’m fairly confident my number is 27. What’s yours? If you need a list (I certainly did), here’s one.

In addition, I’ve LIVED in five states: West Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia, California, and Pennsylvania. I’d like to add one more to that list before they haul my bloated carcass off to the specialty crematorium for the husky. Maybe South Carolina. We’ll see how it goes.

I believe my grandmother Kay visited all of the “lower 48” as they’re called. I don’t think she ever made it to Alaska or Hawaii. The crazy thing about that: she didn’t start traveling until she was up there in years. She was busy raising a bunch of kids and keeping the proverbial train on the tracks. But, later in life she started traveling and having fun and made it to most of the states. I don’t think I’ll get to as many as she did.

As for countries visited, I only have three: USA, Canada, and England. I’d like to add to that list, as well. Starting with the other UK countries.

In any case, please share whatever you’d like in the comments. How many states have you visited? How many have you called home? How about countries? I’m sure I’m on the lower end o’ the scale with countries visited. Use the comments link to bring us up to date on it.

I don’t have the podcast back from producer Zipp yet. So, I can’t link to it here. I’m sure he’ll send it soon though, and I’ll upload it to Patreon — maybe after I get home from work tonight. It’s a thank you episode for patrons and is #50 if you can believe it. Fifty episodes! Is that crazy, or what? Who could’ve predicted I would’ve stuck with it that long? Certainly not me. But I love it! Unless I’m wiped out on I-81 or whatever, there will be many, many more episodes.

And speaking of that, I’m thinking about doing an episode where I answer listener questions. So, if you have anything you’d like for me to address, send me an email to jeff@thewvsr.com, with the subject line ASK JEFF. And, unless the question is completely inappropriate, I’ll answer it in a future episode. And give the asker a shoutout, as well. Pretty exciting, huh? Damn right.

And that’s going to do it for today’s update. It’s almost time to leave for work. The cool thing? Yesterday felt like Monday, but today’s Thursday. So, there’s that. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

UPDATE: The new podcast episode is now live! Here’s your link. And here’s the summary:

Recorded live inside a full house! Everybody’s moving around like ants, my phone is exceedingly chirpy, and I have a sore throat. Fun times! In this one I tell you about an angry email I received from a guy who has an issue with Patreon, my fancy new podcasting microphone (still in the box), New Year’s Eve television, 1980s convenience store coffee, 2019 calendar shopping, and the Totally Out of Context Quote of the Week. Thanks for the support! I hope you enjoy it.

I’ll see you guys again on the next real Monday.

Have a great one!

Now playing in the bunker
Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

I realize I’m late with this report, but there was a little something called Christmas that happened since this spectacle took place. So, I hope you’ll give me a bit of slack. Sheesh. In any case, I met a couple of friends at Long John Silver’s last Sunday to see how much damage we could inflict by taking advantage of their new All You Can Eat deal. Here’s how it works:

On Sundays between 11 am and 7 pm, at participating locations, you can go in and order the normal Chicken Plank dinner, or Fish and Chip dinner. They cost $7.99 each and come with your choice of two sides. The standard is fries and cole slaw, but they have other bizarre things to choose from, like green beans ‘n’ shit like that. They used to have tiny corn on the cobs — known as cobbettes. But those are gone, as far as I can tell. Our store offered pierogis if you can believe it. Completely ludicrous.

So, you start out as normal. But you have to be careful, ’cause that initial visit to the counter locks you in. When you return to the trough you can only order additional servings of whatever you first chose. So, you can’t be switching it up and going with chicken this time and fish the next time, and you’re not allowed to power through the full assortment of side items. It’s all set in stone with your first order. Those are the parameters, and we quickly learned there’s no wiggle-room. Oh, they run a tight pirate ship at the LJS.

Here are my partners in gluttony: Mike and Ryan. Mike (on the right, looking at his phone) has a well-deserved reputation for stunt eating (my term). His standard order at McDonald’s:

• Two Big Macs
• Two cheeseburgers
• Ten piece McNuggets
• Large fries
• Large soda

That’s not for laughs, it’s for dinner. Just for him. Every time. So, Ryan and I were excited to see what might happen when he’s unleashed on all you can eat planks. Oh, this was going to be good! We talked about maybe calling ahead and warning them, so they could adjust their staffing levels, etc. But we decided to just let everything happen organically.

As I was driving to the restaurant in Wilkes-Barre I received a text from Mike telling me he’s in the parking lot doing his “pre-meal stretches.” Heh.

Below is how I played it: just the standard dinner. A couple of notes… The fries are notoriously bad and also filling. I thought about going with a scoop of corn or something like that, which would theoretically allow more room for planks and maybe translate to a higher final count. I knew I’d probably come in last in Plank Count, ’cause I can’t eat enormous amounts of salt and grease in one sitting. But I didn’t want to totally embarrass myself. However, I ended up just going with the tried and true. It’s what I know, and didn’t want to overthink things. Also, the drinks were extra, and the final cost was $10.90 for each of us. Damn! That’s a lotta extra loot for six cents worth of soda.

You can see that the planks are fairly large. Larger than I realized. You get three the first time, and after I finished off everything in the photo I already felt a little wobbly. Man, this wasn’t going to be good for me. If I wasn’t careful I might puke, or worse. I could already feel the sodium working its magic in me. I was almost certain fluid was starting to build up in my lower legs.

But I returned to the counter, of course. I mean… that’s the point, right? They only give you two planks on return visits, I learned. Which was fine by me. They also give you additional servings of all the sides you first ordered, as well as a load of those delicious hushpuppies. They’re not stupid. I polished off round two and felt like I was pushing my luck. There was a very good chance I’d shit myself during the drive home. I felt… not completely sick, but sick-adjacent. I was done, I proclaimed. “Pussy!” Ryan shouted.

Here are the final two contestants, in action. It’s my favorite photo, ’cause you can see the anguish on Ryan’s face. This is late in the palooza, and he’s struggling. But Mike? No issues. Keep ’em coming!

During the final stretch, we decided they were playing mind games with us. Ryan attempted to charm the cashier into allowing a plank/fish switch, and she would not be swayed. Would not even entertain the thought. What’s the story with that?? Also, we’re pretty sure they employed the following “tricks” to keep the Plank Count as low as possible:

• Over-serving o’ the hushpuppies. Every time Mike went back for more food, he returned to the table with a larger serving of those bready balls that seem to increase in size after you eat them.
• It felt like they were turning the air conditioner off and on. It would become unbearably cold, then a little too warm. Of course, it might’ve just been my central nervous system cutting in and out, due to sodium overdose.
• The volume of the music was fluctuating and seemingly calculated for maximum annoyance. I was expecting them to break out the Psychocandy album by The Jesus and Mary Chain, which is what we used to crank up to clear out the store at closing time when I worked at Peaches Records.

Ryan hit the wall second, of course. And eventually, even Mike threw in the grease towel. Here’s the trash we generated. And here are the final Plank Stats:

Jeff: 5
Ryan: 8
Mike: 11

One thing to keep in mind… the family meal, which is supposed to feed, you know, an American family comes with eight planks. And Mike had eleven. Ryan did very well, also. I got my money’s worth but wasn’t totally happy with my performance. Also, I felt like crap for the rest of the day. And holy hell, the thirst! I couldn’t get enough water. Blecch. I don’t think I’ll be returning to Long John Silver’s for at least… a few more days. OK, maybe today. We’ll see.

Final note: While we were in the parking lot, doing a recap of the fesitivies, Mike said he should now go through the drive-through and order something, just to see their reaction. Ha! I wish he’d done it.

And that’s the report. I hope you enjoyed it. I posted a new podcast at midnight, too. You can listen to it here, or wherever you get podcasts. Also, please don’t forget to use our Amazon links while redeeming your gift cards, or whatever. Just click through and shop as normal. It’s an easy and painless way to support the Surf Report.

For a Question, I’d just like to know about your experience with stunt eating. Have you personally participated, or possibly witnessed, a remarkable feeding frenzy? If so, please tell us about it in the comments.

And I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.

Happy New Year, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker
Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

I was just going to add this to the bottom of today’s update, with three or four of my contributions to get the conversation going. Then I started having fun with it, and it’s taken over the whole freaking thing. In fact, I have a feeling I’ll continue to add stuff to my list even after I publish it. Obviously, it’s the Question of the Day: what Eric Alper (whoever he is) asks above. We’re not all the same age, so our answers will come from different eras, give or take. In any case, please use the comments section to bring us up to date on it. Here’s what I have so far:

• HBO came on around 3 pm.
• You didn’t know who was calling until you answered the phone.
• Only old people drank coffee.
• You had to hand crank your car windows down.
• Pornography was hidden around town and shared. It takes a village.
• Kids experienced sissy bar-envy.
• You had one shot at seeing a TV show. If you missed it, you were screwed.
• Toilets were never shown on television.
• You had to call 344-5111 to get the correct time.
• Kids went around ingesting three-foot-long plastic tubes of sugar and artificial coloring, and nobody thought twice about it.
• Bologna sandwiches were routinely prepared and eaten.
• You had to wait six to eight weeks for delivery.
• According to TV shows, Chinese restaurants apparently served one thing: chop suey.
• People put salt in their beer.
• There was a mysterious “bridge” column in the newspaper.
• Every grocery store had a giant display of plastic eggs which contained (inexplicably) ladies hosiery.
• You had to take your soda bottles back to the store to collect a deposit.
• Pull tabs on drink cans came all the way off and were scattered EVERYWHERE.
• You had to buy TV Guide magazine to know what terrible shows were on.
• Sometimes people would have to go up on the roof to adjust the antenna.
• You mailed your film somewhere in a yellow envelope that came with the newspaper, and the developed photos would come back eventually. From somewhere.
• People collected S&H Green Stamps, as well as Top Value Stamps. And there were redemption centers that felt like something out of the USSR.
• Teachers would spank kids with big wooden paddles in front of the class.
• People would “lay out” to get a tan and rub oils on their skin to accelerate the degradation.

More to come, I’m sure! I hope everybody is having a great holiday season. Our Christmas was shockingly pleasant. One of the best in recent memory, I’d say. And that was a relief. I’ve never gotten into New Year’s Eve, or any of that nonsense. So, it’s all in the rearview mirror for me. Whew! It’s a weight lifted. You could probably add “We actually enjoyed Christmas, and looked forward to it” to the list above. Right? Right. …It’s unfortunate but true.

I’ll be back on Monday. I know I owe you guys a full report on the Long John Silver’s Plankapalooza. I’ll do that next time, I promise. With a few photos, as well.  And I’ll have a new podcast episode on Monday too. I’m itching to get back to it.

Until then… please remember to continue using our Amazon links while doing your online shopping. December isn’t over yet!

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a fantastic weekend!

Now playing in the bunker
Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

How goes it, boys and girls? I hope it goes well. I’m a day late on this one, but that sort of thing will happen from time to time. I met Steve yesterday for lunch, as well as overslept a bit. And that knocked us out of business for a Thursday update. Oh well. He gave me a very cool Christmas gift: a Pete Rose autographed baseball, inscribed with the phrase I’M SORRY I BET ON BASEBALL. Crazy, huh? Great gift!

I was also late with the podcast. I finished it late and didn’t have it back from the producer dude until I was already sitting in front of a steaming plate of chicken ‘n’ dumplings at Cracker Barrel. Then I ate myself right up to the cusp of a blackout and was unable to post the episode. But I completed the transaction last night, right under the wire. I posted it around 11:45 PM. Technically still on Thursday, right? Right. Here’s yer link. And here’s the summary:

In this one, I tell you about a heartbreaking turn of events surrounding a $7000 purchase, and how you’re playing a dangerous game if you’re relying too heavily on any one internet-based company. Also, the Totally Out of Context Quote of the Week! I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening, and thanks for the support!

And just so you know… I’m going to take next week off on the podcast. I have a feeling many of us are going to be in a state of emotional and physical upheaval. So, the Jeff Kay Show is going dark. It’ll give me a chance to (possibly) re-charge my batteries a bit. But I’ll be back on New Year’s Eve with a new episode. And I’m going to continue updating the Surf Report as “normal.”

And speaking of the guy I just referred to as “the producer dude” for some reason, I want to share something with you here. He and a friend also have a podcast, called No Redeeming Qualities. It’s genuinely funny, and I recommend it. I listen to most episodes, and they’re always great fun. In any case… the guys are trying something fairly audacious. And I’m a big fan of audacious. For the past year or so they’ve been working on a one-hour audio play… or radio drama, or whatever you want to call it. It’s a scripted comedy about the governor of Texas being shoved down a flight of stairs in his wheelchair, called Wheels of Justice. The trailer is here. Please give it a listen and share your thoughts. The full show will be released on January 7. I can’t imagine taking on something like this, but I love it! Check it out. I laugh every time.

Last week, or possibly the week before, Nancy and her family were hit by that giant snowstorm that hammered the Carolinas, etc. She has very little exposure to snow, and asked Toney for some advice. Including, but not limited to:

What do you do with the snow after you shovel it off the driveway? Throw it into the street?

I guess bagging it is not a good idea?

Can you clear off your car with salt?

By the way… she has a doctorate. Hey, whatever. Pass the organic oatmeal stout nuts.

Also, just a reminder… I mentioned this in a recent podcast episode, but I’m meeting a couple of friends at a Long John Silver’s on Sunday, and we’re going to take on the all-you-can-eat Chicken Plank challenge. Oh, it’s going to be quite an event. One of the two guys is known for his ability to eat ENORMOUS amounts of food, and we’re all on the edge of our seats about that. How much damage can he do? It might end up on CNN. I’m going to personally attempt to eat two full Chicken Plank dinners and will consider that to be an accomplishment if I’m able to get there. But he’ll go way past that, I’m certain. I’ll update on Monday, possibly with photos. And hopefully, I won’t shit myself while driving home on Sunday. Or get arrested for driving under the influence of chicken, grease, and salt. Stay tuned.

Based on very recent experience, here’s something else you can’t cheap out on: plastic wrap. Like Saran Wrap? That sort of thing? I think I asked that Question recently, or it might’ve been seven years ago. It all runs together at this point. I’m a mess. Anyway, the store versions of Saran Wrap are among the most infuriating things in the world. Holy hell! They won’t tear correctly… they ball up. It makes me want to punch a plate of glass. What other products can you NEVER cheap out on? Tell us about it in the comments.

And finally, I was in a work meeting recently and was forced to participate in one of these deals: “OK, let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves. Also, if you would, tell us a quick fun fact about yourself!” Sweet sainted mother of my winking sphincter!! I hate shit like that with the intensity of a thousand suns. But I’m going to make it the Question o’ the Day here. In the comments, please tell us a fun fact about yourself. Something most of us would not know.

And I’m calling it a day here. I’m working tonight, off the weekend, working a half-day Monday, off Tuesday and also Friday. So, after today (which might also be abbreviated… ahem) it’ll be fairly painless for a while. Are you getting any time off because of the holidays? Days off are awesome, ain’t they?

Have a great weekend!

I’ll be back on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker
Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

That’s a rare peek inside The Bunker, right there. As you can see, I successfully set up my new stereo. It was my grand achievement of the weekend. Hey, it’s more than I usually get done… The hardest part was clearing out the hundreds of CDs that were previously stacked on that table. The actual setting up o’ the stereo took roughly one minute. The moving o’ the CDs took a lot longer.

It sounds great, by the way. I’m no audiophile and don’t require a $5000 setup. This is a small room, and that thing hits the sweet, sweet “most bang for the buck” spot I’m always looking for. I know what cheap and shitty sounds like, and this ain’t it. As usual, I played the traditional Steely Dan CD to test it out. It passed. Sounded full and rich, to my ears anyway. I’m pleased with the purchase.

What was your grand achievement of the weekend? Tell us about it, won’t you?

As you can see, I have the walls covered. That’s a signed and framed Replacements poster. Paul Westerberg signed it while I hobnobbed with him in an Atlanta bowling alley years ago. I have a feeling I enjoyed the experience MUCH more than he did. He seemed like he was ready to crawl out of his skin. But he was reasonably friendly, just attempting to endure the dreaded record label-sponsored meet ‘n’ greet.

And there’s a big metal Yuengling sign I bought at the brewery in Pottsville. I love that thing. Looks fantastic. Also, a 1955 Brooklyn Dodgers pennant,  purchased from a shop in Cooperstown, NY. And a framed advertising piece for a notorious movie called Mr. Mike’s Mondo Video. It was supposed to be shown during the summer hiatus of Saturday Night Live, during the late 1970s. It features many of the original SNL cast, and after NBC saw the finished product… they refused to air it. So, it was shown in theaters instead. It was written and directed by Michael O’Donoghue, a full-blown maniac comedy pirate. I remember Siskel & Ebert just completely trashing it, and being almost offended that it was allowed to exist in this world. Heh.

And there’s a phony-baloney Topps baseball card ad. Hey, it’s also cool looking, and I was OBSESSED with baseball cards at one point. So, there’s some relevance there. I think a Surf Reporter sent me that Samuel Adams bar towel. And those two autographed baseballs are signed by Johnny Bench and Hank Aaron.

Anyway, I hate to admit this but so far I’ve mostly been Bluetoothing music to that stereo. It’s just so easy. Everything’s at my fingertips. In fact, I have a supplementary app on my phone where I can access the rare items not on Spotify. So, between the two… I have nearly every album ever recorded. It’s great! …And I feel dirty admitting it.

How do you listen to music these days? I still listen to CDs, especially in my car. And I’m sure I’ll listen to them at home, as well. But that streaming stuff… man, that’s not bad at all.

I need to call it a day here. Apparently, I need to get into work. I’m being peppered by texts, and I’m not sure what’s happening.

I released a new podcast episode around midnight last night. Here’s the summary:

In this one I tell you about some electrifying news I received and a related plan, a friend who’s an extreme eater and his various adventures, my hatred of bells going off all willy-nilly, underwear night at a minor league baseball stadium, an amputee convention on an island off the coast of Georgia, the mystery of “the insurance man,” mediocre beer from a growler, and the Whistle Dick of the Week! Also stick around for a very cool trailer for a forthcoming project after the show. Thanks for listening!

And, as usual, I want to remind you about using our Amazon links while doing your holiday shopping. It’s getting down to the wire, but there’s still time. Please just pass through one of our links, and shop as normal. It’s a big help to me.

Thank you, guys. I’ll be back on Thursday.

See you then!

Now playing in the bunker
Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!