Before we get started, here’s your link to the Monday edition of The Jeff Kay Show podcast. It’s also available in all the usual podcast locations. And there’s a website the hosting company auto-generates. I have almost no input into this thing, it just appears as if by voodoo black magic. But it’s another place where you can hear the Monday episodes if you’re so inclined.

Here’s the description:

In this one I tell you about an aborted visit to the new Dairy Queen, people double-dipping on the stuff I don’t know, the Lewis Phenomenon, Jim Halpert as an international badass, being trapped in the haircut funnel, a music video that single-handedly destroyed the career of an 80s rock star, and asking Gordon Ramsay to please come up here and put a metaphorical foot in my ass.

I hope you enjoy it. Seventeen episodes now! They’re stacking up quickly, and I’m far less self-conscious in front o’ the microphone at this point. That’s not to say they’re good, or anything. Let’s not get crazy. But there are some laughs, I think. Thanks for listening!

Today I’d like to ask you guys about the sounds that make you absolutely crazy. I have lots and lots of ’em. In fact, Toney often accuses me of being “on the spectrum.” I don’t know about that, but there are plenty of sounds and noises that send an electric current of white-hot annoyance straight through me. Including, but not limited to:

People smacking their lips while eating
The sound of people talking through walkie talkies
Incessant gum snapping
The creaking door voice
The half whine/half cry little shithead kids make
People dragging chairs across a floor
When a diva-style singer launches into one of those showy up-and-down yodels
Ludicrously loud cars and motorcycles
People who almost literally make the GULP sound while swallowing
Repetitive ink pen clicking

I could probably come up with 20 or 50 more, but you get the idea. I’m now going to turn it over to you guys to list the sounds that really touch a nerve with you. Use the comments link below, or maybe above.

And it’s crazy, but our Las Vegas trip is less than two weeks away. It doesn’t seem real. We’re deep (deep!) in a rut here, and the idea of Toney and me on an airplane, going to some over-the-top vacation destination just feels impossible. But, unless something happens here at Chez Kay between now and then, we’re going. The boys will be on their own for a week, and that’s on them. They’re old enough. Sheesh. Hopefully, the cops and/or fire department don’t have to get involved. I’m fairly concerned about that, but am sure it’ll be fine. Maybe. Possibly. ,,,We’ll see.

OK, I’m calling it a day, my friends. If you haven’t given the podcast a listen, please do. The Monday episodes are completely free and readily available. I’m digging the whole experience so far. It’s fun!

I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.

Have a great week!

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I often start these things with a proclamation that I have very limited time. And I’m never lyin’. But today I have very limited time. I have to break out the goddamn italics. So, let’s jump right into it.

Yesterday and today have been somewhat comfortable, here the Upper Pierogi Belt. Oh, it’s roughly the same temperature, but that NFL blanket soaked in sea water humidity has subsided greatly. You take that crap out of the equation, and it’s not bad at all. But it won’t last. Within a couple of days, it’ll be right back to the ocean water comforter. Summer sucks ass.

And every year around this time I’ve officially had enough. I start looking to the skies for those ducks or geese or whatever the hell that start flying southward in giant honking V formations. It’s a sure sign that it’s almost over. This year is no different, not really. Not when it comes to the weather. But… there is one big difference that makes my heart sink every time I think about it.

I’m gonna miss baseball. I’m fully invested again, probably for the first time in 25 years. Crazy, huh? I’ve tried to re-engage several times, and it didn’t take. But, for whatever reason, 2018 was the season of my return. I listen to at least part of every Reds game, and often more than that. They’re not a super-successful team, in fact, they’re in last place, but they’re fun. Oh, they can score a ton of runs in a short period of time, my friends. Unfortunately, their starting pitching is not good. Anyway, as I’ve said before, the Reds are the most exciting terrible team in baseball.

And come fall — my favorite time of year — I’m going to be mourning the loss of the sport. I know I will. I hate to even think about it. The only good thing… At this point in my life, months go by in a flash. So, spring training will roll around in about three or four weeks, in Jeff Kay years.

Anyway, I’m going to drop a Question o’ the Day on you guys, and go back to work. My current workload there is about to trigger a real-life Tony Soprano-style panic attack. I have to get it under control. I’m losing it, man.

So, the Question is in the title: What things might you hear while attending a baseball game, but hopefully not during sex? I have a couple, to get the screwball rolling:

He can’t close the deal. They’re bringing somebody else in.
Oh man, he put that one in the dirt.
Are those Dippin’ Dots?

Maybe not hilarious. But you get the idea. Please help me out, and take over from here. Use the comments section so thoughtfully provided by our WordPress overlords.

And this is the description for the ridiculous new podcast episode, which is available here:

In this one I go on and on about the new Dairy Queen opening near my house, the trouble I had watching the final episode of Alone, people who don’t put enough effort into their ball-busting, and the lyrics of another old Bob Seger song. Thanks for the support! The Thursday shows are especially for you guys. Enjoy!

By the way, the title of this one makes me chuckle: They Turned Me Into A Sexual Lubricant! It’s all explained in the episode.

I’ll see you guys again on Monday.

Have yourselves a great weekend!

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Before we get started with this quickie, here’s a link to the Monday podcast episode. It’s also available at iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, etc. And this is the description I wrote for it:

This one is all over the place. We discuss the rarest of occurrences at my house, adventures in passport renewals, revenue enhancement fees, the thing I think about when somebody mentions Canada, how the Brits love to look down their noses at Americans, a grand canyon, the curious history of the Jeffs, and whistle dicks who say “legit” all the time. I hope you enjoy it! Pass the beer nuts.

Yesterday I had to get up at the swarthy ass-crack of dawn and go to work for six or seven hours. I don’t mind the six or seven hours, but the early alarm flat-out kicks my ass. I felt like a zombie the remainder of the day, was fading in and out of consciousness while Toney and I were watching TV, and couldn’t fall immediately to sleep when I finally surrendered to the platform. It was like some kind of unfunny cosmic joke.

And today… I still feel weird and out o’ sorts. In fact, it might take until Wednesday for me to feel completely normal again. I blame some of that on my age — I used to be able to bounce back from shit like that. In fact, during a previous lifetime, I had a job where I rotated a week on day shift, a week on the evening shift, and a week on overnights. With a few days off in between. And I was fine. I don’t remember having any troubles with that schedule. I think it might kill me in 2018. Is that melodramatic? I believe it’s true.

I’ve become a delicate flower when it comes to sleep. I need at least seven hours per night, or I struggle the next day and am full-on miserable. That certainly wasn’t the case earlier in my life. How much sleep do you require? Do you generally get it? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?

Also, have you ever worked a schedule that you never really adapted to? I used to work overnight at a grocery store in North Carolina and was exhausted 100% of the time. But it wasn’t because of the hours, it was because it was physical labor and I was often there for 12 hours at a time. That was no good. But I don’t blame it on the shift, really. It was the shittiness of the job itself. Man, that was the worst…

What do you have on this? Have you ever known anyone who could get by on four hours, or whatever? Do you think that’s true, over a long period of time? I’m skeptical. Please use the comments to bring us up to date on your sleep situation.

And I need to call it a day here.

Have a great one, my friends!

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How long am I allowed to call my new car new? I’ve had it for about three months now. It still feels new to me, but I suspect that window is closing. I think I’m weeks or days away from having to transition from “my new car” to “my car.” I’m not sure what the official ruling is on something like that. Do you? Is three months the cut-off? Help me out, won’t you?

Speaking of my new car, the previous owner was apparently named Bryce. While connecting the Bluetooth I’ve seen multiple mentions of “Bryce’s Cruze.” He had everything labeled that way. And as I drive to work, I sometimes attempt to profile this Bryce.

Here’s what I know:

He took great care of the car and didn’t drive it much. The thing is flawless, as far as I can tell. I mean that literally. I haven’t seen even one tiny scratch or stain. It’s perfect. And the mileage was super-low when I bought it. Of course, I’m cranking that up in short order. But ol’ Bryce didn’t drive it much. Wonder how many times he farted in it? I didn’t see that on the Carfax. Maybe I’ll dig that out and check it again.

Also… all his radio presets were still in place. And it’s baffling, my friends. It’s a lot of hip-hop, country, and alternative rock. Also, a shitload of local channels that do not come in for me. So, apparently, Bryce lived in another part of the country. Like I say, the SiriusXM channels are all over the map. There’s jazz, metal, commercial country, hip-hop… It’s hard to get a handle on this gentleman. There is, however, no classic rock. And no Hair Nation, or anything like that. So, that would make me believe that Bryce is a youngster, right?

The only news channel he had in his pre-sets was BBC. What’s that tell us? Maybe that he’s not particularly political since he’s not tapped into MSNBC or Fox News? I think BBC sounds intriguing to a person in the abstract, but I suspect he never really listened to it. It’s on page 5, I think, of his favorites. Far down the list.

And I don’t know if we can read anything into this, but the driver’s seat was pushed up way too far. Was that done during the detailing at the car dealership, or is Bryce a tiny, tiny man? It’s hard to say.

I’m going to keep investigating, and building a profile of this person. I have a feeling the car was driven under a two-year lease, and once the two years were up… he turned it in and I bought it. But I want to know more about Bryce himself. Any input into this will be appreciated. Do any of the clues I mention tell you anything? Help me out, won’t you?

And I saw the graphic above a few days ago, lodged in the colon of the internet somewhere. I have no recollection of Grady having his own show. Do you? It feels like I would’ve been all over that shit. I loved Grady. Maybe it happened during “the dark years,” when I was almost 100% detached from popular culture. Except for music, of course. In any case. I’d like to use Grady as the premise for our Question o’ the Day: What is your all-time favorite TV spinoff? Also, what’s the weirdest and/or most unlikely spinoff? And, if you’re so inclined: What character SHOULD’VE had a spinoff but didn’t? Use the comments section.

Frasier is a common answer to this question, right? It was a great show, for sure, and a spinoff of Cheers. But if you mention it here, please do me a favor and spell it correctly. For some reason, it’s one of the most misspelled names on the internet. It’s often spelled Fraiser. WTF? What is going on? Is close good enough? And why is it so consistently wrong in the exact same way? I don’t understand.

Finally, I posted a new podcast for patrons today. This one has a lot of poop jokes and ass comedy. In other words, one of my finest efforts to date. $4 patrons can listen to it here. And this is the description:

In this one, I talk about a recent conversation I had with my wife about colonoscopies, and how it began on a serious note but quickly degenerated into a litany of amateur butt and poop jokes. I also discuss a traffic ticket our youngest son was issued and my extensive history with traffic cops. This is a good one, I think. I hope you enjoy it!

By the way, this one was a sloppy mess before the production dude got his hands on it. He made it sound nice and smooth. I wish I knew how to do all that stuff. At some perpetually undefined day in the future, I might start trying to learn audio editing. We’ll see. My guy does a great job with it.

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.

I’m going to cook up some more eggs and toast and go tackle a few more “opportunities” at work. I’m growing weary of all the opportunities if you want to know the truth. But what are you going to do?

Have a great weekend!

I’ll be back on Monday

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I need to get your thoughts on the man who stole a commercial airplane a few days ago, and went joyriding and did daredevil stunts above Seattle, etc. I was fascinated as a mofo by that story on Saturday. Wild shit! Here’s a full transcript of his conversation with air traffic control. The guy’s cracking jokes and making sarcastic remarks… He seems like a good dude. Funny. I laughed out loud when he asked them if it’s possible to do a “backflip” with the airplane. An amazing story.

It’s sad that he was depressed, and everything that goes along with it. And I’m sure his family is in anguish. But his final day was certainly a memorable one. Right? And he kept saying he didn’t want anybody to get hurt or even be inconvenienced by his actions. It’s a shame it ended the way it did, but it was an audacious and memorable end.

Can you tell I’m dancing around this? I’d like to get your thoughts on it. Please use the comments. Were you as fascinated as I was by this? We’re bombarded with news stories ’round the clock, but this one went straight to Number One on my charts, for a good 24 hours. What about you?

Alright, let’s move on to less treacherous things. Around midnight last night, I uploaded Episode 13 of The Jeff Kay Show podcast. It’s everywhere, or should be. Let me know if you can’t find it on your podcast app o’ choice. Here it is at Patreon. And here’s the description:

In this one, I talk about my three semesters at West Virginia State College. Very little effort was put forth, I received the results I deserved and dismissed it all as nothing more than 13th grade. You’ll learn about a memorable English class, a photography course that still haunts me to this day, and a wild filmmaking class I took with my friend Rocky. And I close it out with another Rocky story, involving vodka and Five Alive. I hope you enjoy it! Please let me know.

I have an interesting plugin (or whatever the hell) installed on this computer. It’s called Grammarly, and it monitors your writing and offers suggestions. And one thing I now realize, after using it for a few months… I don’t know shit about commas. I thought I did, but apparently I was completely wrong. The thing is constantly telling me to add a comma here, remove a comma there. It’s relentless, and feels mildly naggy. Ya know? Also, I don’t always agree with it. Have you used this thing? What are your thoughts? It catches some legit problems for me, so there’s value. But it feels like a virtual backseat driver sometimes.

My new phone arrived a few days ago, and it’s activated and everything. It’s super fast! However… the secret internal clock has been turned on and I’m sure the thing will become sluggish-by-design in about 16 months. Is that paranoid? I don’t think so. I think that shit’s built in. But I’ve got about a year before the real bogging down begins. Loving it so far. It’s the LG V30.

And I need to start winding this one down already. I need to make a big plate of toast and eggs and get ready for work. I’m in a toast and eggs groove right now. It takes a little work, but the payoff is enormous. I’m not hungry for hours, which is amazing to me. And I’m getting better and better at preparing it. They’re near perfection every time now.

I’ll leave you with an additional Question for you guys to ponder. Is there anything that instantly takes you back to a sickness or some other unpleasantness from earlier in your life? I’ll give you a few personal examples:

When I was in high school I got some kind of flu-like horribleness and stayed home for days. It was miserable. I’d just lie on my bed, feeling like absolute shit, listening to an album I’d just bought: Adventures in Utopia by Utopia. You know, that Todd Rundgren band from the 70s/80s? Anyway, for years I was unable to play that record because it transported me back to the sickbed and the all-encompassing yuck of that week.

Also, I got super-sick one time after drinking an enormous number of Long Island Iced Teas with Rocky. It was bad, my friends. And even now, I can’t stand the smell of those things. Or even something like a 7 & 7, which is Long Island Iced Tea-suggestive. I mean, that shit was 35 years ago, and it still holds true today. I can’t stomach the smell, and I’d probably upchuck if I actually took a sip of one. Blecch.

And, when we lived in California I came down with a bad case of what the doctor declared bronchitis. I don’t know, but it took me out, boys and girls. The guy gave me all kinds of shit about not coming to see him except when I’m sick, and I didn’t even have the energy to tell him to ram it up his ass. There’s a time and a place, motherfucker. Anyway, there have been two times in my life when I was so sick I was actually concerned, and that was one of them. It was about 105 degrees outside and I was shivering under a pile of blankets. It was crazy. And the older boy was very young and would watch the same videos over and over and over. In one of those kiddie videos, there was a black woman who sounded like she might be from one of the Caribbean islands, singing a song called “Miss Mary Mac” or something similar. Whenever I heard that thing, for months or years later, I felt actual anxiety. Weird, huh?

What do you have on this one? Anything? Please tell us about it in the comments.

And I need to go now. You guys have a great day!

I’ll be back on Thursday.

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