You can hear all about it in the new episode of the Surf Report podcast. I mean… this was the closest of close calls, my friends. It makes me anxious whenever I think about it, which is approximately once per minute. Click here, or snag it from wherever you get podcasts of the highest quality.

Have you ever come close to clipping a pedestrian with your car? Or maybe you actually hit a few? Perhaps that’s your thing? Hell, I don’t know. But please tell us about it in the comments. I can’t recall coming that close before. It scared me. The adrenaline spike was enormous.

Also, our power went out last night for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Like we’re in freaking Venezuela or something. Our phones kept receiving weather warnings, especially Toney’s. I mean, those things were coming in at an accelerated clip. I thought there was a catastrophic Samsung malfunction, due to the sustained chiming. But I pay very little attention to things like that, ’cause it almost never adds up to anything. Right? Right.

But shortly before 9 on Sunday it was raining and windy, and the lights started into flickering. Everything went down for a split second, then came back up… That happened again, and finally, it all just shit the credenza. We found ourselves sitting in total darkness, like assholes.

We fumbled around and unplugged our computers, hoping they weren’t already damaged by all that stopping and starting. Then we waited. At first, it was kinda fun — a novelty of sorts. The whole neighborhood was pitch black and very, very quiet. Kind of cool.

But it quickly became boring. Within twenty minutes I was about to crawl out of my skin. This is bullshit! Both boys were at work, and the power was out there too. Eventually, they came home and reported that all the traffic lights were down. It was anarchy! We were undoubtedly just a few hours away from cannibalism.

I was pacing around with my kickass high-powered flashlight, going onto the deck and out front repeatedly. I didn’t know what to do. I was losing it, man. I could see flickering through the windows of neighbors, candles I presumed. This is ridiculous. Maybe it was the Chinese? Maybe they took out the grid? They’re always talking about that on George Noory, perhaps it finally happened? No, probably just the hellacious storm. Back to pacing…

We’d been watching Dateline, which was also annoying. We’ll never know if Cam killed Kaylee, or if it was that security guard who was acting suspiciously. It felt like we were being manipulated by the Dateline team, ’cause they were definitely making it seem like Cam was guilty. It felt like a twist in the tale was right around the corner, but we never got there. And now we’ll probably never know. Bastards!

But as I was pacing, something exciting and invigorating occurred to me: Game of Thrones finale was on at 9, and the power was out! At least I had that bit of good news to cling to. Hopefully, the Half-Shirts are big fans.

It came back on about 75 minutes later, give or take one or two trips to the deck. And, incredibly, the internet worked and the cable worked and everything. Most of our clocks are still flashing, but we’ll get to them in a couple of weeks, I’m sure. So, I watched three episodes of Green Acres on Amazon Prime, uploaded the podcast at 12:01 am, and called it a night.

And now it’s time to go back to work already. How is that possible?! It feels like it was only yesterday when I almost took out that lanky piece of shit on my way home from the office on Friday night. Where did the weekend go? The Chinese probably had something to do with it. And speaking of that, I wouldn’t mind the L14 beef and broccoli lunch special right now, with an eggroll and a Cherry Coke.

I’ll see you guys again on Thursday. Don’t forget about this. Give me a call!

Have a great week, boys and girls.

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In the Monday episode of the podcast, I told you guys about a situation I found myself in with Amazon. You can listen to it here. I’ll briefly recap it now, but you’ll get loads more detail in the show… ’cause I went on and on about it.

Recap: I ordered a Kindle Fire tablet for Toney as a Mother’s Day gift. It’s always $150, but they were having a sale and offering it for $120. The “guaranteed” two-day delivery failed and it arrived a day late, on Friday. I was at work, and when Toney got around to cracking open the box, there was nothing but packing material inside. No tablet… no packing slip… What the?!

She passed on the good news, and I immediately called Amazon. I assumed they’d take care of it without any problem because I’m always hearing about their impeccable customer service. Thankfully I’ve never needed to use it, which is kind of amazing when you think about how long I’ve been doing business with the company. In any case, I was thrown into a baffling quagmire of uncommon accents, low-talking, and people “with fever.”

They needed to do a three-day investigation I was told, to find out what really happened. That kinda ticked me off… She was hitting that really part pretty hard as if what I was telling her was questionable. “I’ll tell you what really happened,” I answered, “Somebody stole it! Either an employee of UPS or someone in an Amazon DC. That’s what really happened!” Grrr…

Here are a couple of pictures of the box I took. As you can see, the Amazon tape on the bottom had been slit open and somebody re-taped it. Also, there’s a sticker on the top that seems to have REP written on it. I don’t know what that means.

But she insisted that an investigation must happen, and she’d personally get back to me on May 14. She did not. I never heard from them. So I called and was thrown straight into the same quagmire. It sounded like millions of people were talking in the background and the person on the line with me had a thick accent that I’d never heard before.

I told her I was promised a call-back and didn’t get one. I’m not sure if she apologized because I couldn’t make out 75% of the words she was speaking. But we quickly got down to business and she said they were very pleased to offer me a full refund. I told her I’d prefer a replacement, but she said that was not possible. So, I asked if I’d be able to re-buy the tablet at the sale price, and she said “no.” That was literally her answer, “no.” Why not?? We do not price-match, she said. “It’s your own price!” I shouted. “From a few days ago!” “No,” she repeated.

I said I appreciate the refund, but I’m not very happy with them refusing to honor the sale price. She got a little exasperated and said something along the lines of “I don’t know why you’re unhappy because as far as we’re concerned the package left our facility and was delivered to your house.” Which ticked me off again. “Yes, the package! Literally the package, with nothing inside!!” I answered. She just sighed and said nothing.

And that’s where we stand. The refund was issued, and the tablet now costs $30 more than the day I ordered it. I won’t re-buy it, because fuck that. But I read some stuff online and found out they don’t always offer a refund in that scenario. So, I don’t know if I should be satisfied or somewhat annoyed. I’m leaning toward the latter. What are your thoughts?

Also, have you ever had anything like this happen to you? How did it work out for you? Any experience with Amazon customer service at all? Are you familiar with the quagmire? What country is that call center located in? It sounded like the backward-talking in Twin Peaks.

And I must again emphasize… I’ve been doing business with Amazon since the late 1990s and hadn’t had to call customer service about anything before. This is, as far as I can remember, the only problem I’ve ever had with them. And it probably wasn’t even their fault. Some UPS employee probably did the plundering, right? They should definitely investigate, starting with the United Parcel Service. What can Brown do for you? Plunder your shit!

Please let me know your thoughts on this important matter.

Also, if you’d like to be a part of the Monday podcast (maybe), please leave a message on our exciting new hotline. Ask a question, leave a comment, make a suggestion. Whatever floats yer boat. Here’s the info:

And speaking o’ the podcast, I’m going to upload the Thursday show for patrons shortly. I know it’s Friday, give me a break… It’ll be available at Patreon within the hour. Thanks for the support, and thanks for listening!

I hope you guys have yourselves a fine weekend.

We have a 6-pack of this stuff chilling in the fridge. It was purchased in Cleveland, and is possibly one of the best beers ever! That was my feeling after the first 6-pack, anyway. It’s unavailable in Pennsylvania, it appears… Good stuff.

I’ll be back on Monday.

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I’m not off today, unfortunately. And I wasn’t off on Friday, either. But Toney and I had this conversation over the weekend and agreed for once. Having a Monday off is better than having a Friday off. What do you think?

My reasoning: Fridays are the best day of the workweek because people are powering-down and going into weekend mode. There’s hope and the looming prospect of rest and relaxation, and adventures that generally don’t come to fruition. But it’s like opening day of the baseball season, anything is possible.

And Mondays are the worst day of the workweek, right? I mean, can that even be argued? So, it’s only logical to avoid the shittiest of all days and work on the least painful. And I can’t put my finger on why, but a Monday off feels like a true three-day weekend. But a Friday off doesn’t have the same emotional impact.

What are your thoughts on this important matter? Please tell us about it in the comments.

Of course, the population now works 24 hours a day on bizarre schedules. Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, is quite rare, I think. Just go to a Walmart or a grocery store on a Tuesday at 2:30 or whatever, and you’ll see evidence of it. I’m always shouting, “Doesn’t anybody work anymore?!” Of course, the answer is yes, they just work wacked-out hours.

And that’s the second part o’ the question: what schedule do you work? I’m Monday through Friday, but the official hours are from 2 pm to 10:30 pm. So, there you go. What’s your current schedule?

Most difficult schedule I’ve ever worked? Overnights with no set quitting time. That was at a Food Lion store in Greensboro. We started at 11 pm (I think) and finished when the work was done. That’s no good… Often we’d work 12 hours. It was exhausting. I was tired all the time, without exception. I dreamt about being tired while I slept. It sucked a big bent one.

So, I guess we now have three questions:

• Which is a better day off? Monday or Friday?
• What’s your current work schedule?
• What was the worst schedule you ever worked and why?

My Kansas City trip was canceled at the last minute. Do I look upset? I’m not upset. It would’ve been fine and might’ve generated some stories, but I’d prefer not to do it, thank you very much. We are, however, going to Cleveland next week. It’ll be a quickie guerilla strike, in and out. Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, and some other odds and ends… Should be fun, I hope. Oddly enough, Toney and I will be returning to Ohio in August to see a Reds game, and also attend a big tennis tournament out that way. We’re staying at a hotel that is shockingly expensive (to my cheap bastard ass, anyway), next to the baseball stadium. I mean… what the hell? What is this, Manhattan? We’ll also be visiting the Reds Hall of Fame, and plan to take the stadium tour, where they lead you into the bowels of the place, including the press box! I’m excited. I’ve never done anything like that before.

But that’s all the confirmed travel on the books for us. We need to fit another guerilla strike in there somewhere. May to August is too big of a dry spell. Ya know? Maybe we’ll hop on one those cheap Allegiant flights out of Allentown, and go back to Myrtle Beach for three days or something? We kinda blew it the first time, and need some Myrtle Beach redemption. We’ll see.

I posted a new podcast episode at midnight. I hesitate to make any grand proclamations, but I think it might be one of the best episodes yet. Funniest, anyway. That’s just my opinion. If you’d like to listen to it, click here. Or just snag it wherever you get podcasts. Here’s the summary:

In this one, I close out the category and share some more classic stories from my vast work history. You’ll hear about a co-worker who always looked like a million bucks until she got to the parking lot, the memorable character who objected to a new mandatory necktie rule, the guy who thought his car was stolen and was later caught “relaxing” at work, and an extremely memorable cookout with one of my old bosses. I also react to the first two messages left on our exciting new podcast hotline. It’s a fun episode. Thanks for listening!

Once again, I’d like to remind you guys about the new podcast hotline. You can call it and leave a message (a question, a comment, or a suggestion) and I might include it in a future episode, along with my reaction to it. The first two messages are in Episode 9, linked above. It’s fun! Call it today, if you’re so inclined.

And speaking of calls, I’m calling it a day here. I’m starving. Good Lord. Did I even have dinner last night…? Yes, a giant plate of spaghetti and two bowls of salad. WTF? It takes a lot of fuel to keep all this going, I guess. I hope you guys have a great week. I’ll be back on Thursday or Friday.

See ya then!

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I mean… if somebody calls and just shouts racial slurs for three minutes I won’t be using it. But you know what I mean. If it’s reasonable and engaging, I’ll probably include it in a future show. It’s set up for voicemail, no human will ever answer the number. You’ll hear my pre-recorded raspy hillbilly voice, a beep, and then it’s your turn to go to town with it. A few things I’m looking for:

• Questions for the host.
• General comments about the show.
• Suggestions for topics.

I’m hoping you guys can send the Surf Report podcast off on some “who could’ve predicted that shit?!” jags. It could be fun! Maybe. If you have something for the hotline, call it now! It’s a Google Voice thing, which I barely understand. But I’m reasonably sure I have it set up correctly. Call in today: 1-570-290-8151.

I’m going to Kansas City on Sunday. When they first started talking about this, it was going to be 11 or 12 days. Now it’s flying there on Sunday, working Mon/Tue/Wed, flying back on Thursday. That’s better. I don’t even know if I have 12 days worth of clothes. I might’ve been wearing my Magnolia Thunderpussy t-shirt by Day 10.

The thing that makes me slightly uneasy about this is… I don’t know what I’ll be doing out there. I’m not sure what the expectations are. It’ll be fine, but the unknowns never fail to make me a little anxious.

The good points: the $75 per day meal budget. It doesn’t include alcohol, so I’ll just have to go with various high-end meats. Ha! When I went to Rhode Island a couple of years ago, I never got anywhere near the $75 threshold. Breakfast and lunch were always covered, so I was only paying for dinner. And even with the high-end meats we never got close. I plan to do better this time.

Also, it’ll just be nice going somewhere I’ve never been. I’m all for exploring. I hope we’ll have some time to poke around a little. The schedule lists a daily stop time of 5 pm. If that’s true, it could be interesting. Maybe we’ll be able to get into some shenanigans. Regardless, I’ll keep detailed notes and tell you all about it when I return.

Almost immediately after we get back, Toney and I and the two boys are going to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. We’re just driving over there. I’ve been there before, but the other three have not. I think the younglings will like it, and Toney will tolerate the whole thing. It’ll be a quickie trip, something we’ve been wanting to do for several years. The boys are obsessed with music and I believe they’ll have fun. I’m just looking forward to the Toto room and the Little River Band alcove.

One thing I remember about that place which I found baffling: almost no Bob Dylan stuff, but SHITLOADS of Todd Rundgren paraphernalia. Seems weird to me. Hey, whatever. Todd released a good album or two amongst his thirty or so. And he’s a great producer, I hear.

Another thing that sticks out in my mind: drawings of football players by Jimi Hendrix from his high school days. I love stuff like that. Yeah… it’s cool (I guess) to see his guitars. But just stuff from his everyday normal life has a bigger impact. For me, anyway. The drawings aren’t very good (but not terrible), and look like something you’d see tacked to a wall in any high school art class. It humanizes the myth if you know what I mean.

I also remember some handwritten original lyrics by Paul Westerberg of The Replacements. Maybe “Left of the Dial?” I can’t remember the specific song but thought it was cool that they included it. A small amount of respect, anyway…

Have you been to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame? What sticks out in your mind? Tell us about it, won’t you?

Also, what’s the most memorable thing you’ve seen in a museum? Something that truly blew your mind? When I was a kid we went to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY and they had a telephone receiver you could pick up and Babe Ruth was on the other end wishing you a great day, or somesuch. I thought that was incredibly cool. I’ve been back many times in more recent years, and that telephone is long gone. Why?? They do, however, have boxes that you can open and the faint smell of popcorn or hotdogs will waft out. Fairly bizarre.

Whatever you have on especially memorable museum displays… please tell us about it in the comments. I can also remember seeing bloody items from the Lincoln assassination when I was in sixth grade. That made an impact. What do you have on this one? Please use the comments.

It’s weird, ’cause I’ve seen all sorts of “important” works of art and historic items. But some unusual ones just stick out in my mind for some reason.

And speaking of the podcast, I released a new episode yesterday with some original rockin’ intro/outro music. Straight out of Argentina, baby! Check it out here. This is the summary:

In this one, I share some classic stories from my vast work history. A couple have never even been discussed at the website if you can believe it. You’ll hear about the shoplifter who attempted to escape by hanging off the side of an airbrushed van, a boss who probably should’ve been in movies, the guy who thought his phone was on mute during a conference call, a middle o’ the night visitor at the Toll Bridge, and a giant ball of dough on the heating duct. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!

And I’m calling it a day, my friends.

Have a fantastic rest o’ the week.

And don’t forget about the hotline!

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To tell you the truth, fries are not my favorite part o’ the fast food meal. In fact, I could go without them and the enjoyment factor would not suffer much. Is that shocking, or controversial? A man of my physical stature speaking such blasphemy? It happens to be the truth. However, I have no shortage of experience. I mean, just because I COULD go without fries doesn’t mean I actually do. Let’s be serious… Consequently, I have some opinions and hope you do as well.

For the record, my favorite fries in the world are just the generic crinkle-cuts served up hot ‘n’ fresh at a diner, or someplace like that. Know what I’m talking about? There’s generally a sandwich in a plastic basket lined with paper, and a handful of delicious fries piled alongside. Man, that’s good stuff! But they have to be hot ‘n’ fresh. Those things can go south on you in a short span of time.

Fast food fries are difficult for me to judge because the hot ‘n’ fresh factor is not always there. In fact, it’s generally absent. Or, at least, they’re wildly inconsistent. So, for the sake of this discussion, I’ll just give you my quick thoughts on only the best versions of each.

McDonald’s This is everybody’s automatic favorite, and they’re certainly good. Very salty, almost to the point of going overboard. It feels like they used to be slightly better, but I feel that way about most things. Possibly everything. Huh… weird. It also feels like McDonald’s does a better job of hitting the hot ‘n’ fresh target than other places. Am I wrong about that? These are definitely solid. I prefer a girthier fry, but that’s a minor complaint.

Wendy’s Possibly my favorite, when done well. These are bigger than McDonald’s fries, have the skin-on, and are loaded with sea salt. However… these things are rarely hot ‘n’ fresh. So it’s a sad state of affairs. I know how good they could be, but so often fall short. Dave would not be happy. A missed opportunity a high percentage of the time. Sad and frustrating, really.

Burger King I like these. They have the Wendy’s girth and the McDonald’s overall vibe. I don’t think they’re generally considered to be a strong contender for the best fast food french fry, but they’re right up there, in my opinion. In fact, I believe I enjoy them more often than the technically superior Wendy’s fries, ’cause they’re more consistently prepared well. A strong effort!

Five Guys These are generally served in massive bulk, and they start out tasting good. Then the oil starts to get to us, and we end of tossing a lot of them into the trash. When it comes down to it, I don’t think I really like them all that much. Again… controversial. The burgers there are great, but the fries are never quite as satisfying as I think they’re going to be. Very oily. And I don’t really need seven pounds of them during each visit.

Long John Silver’s The worst. Somebody should do a stretch in prison for these flaccid, flavorless strips of root vegetable. I’m getting angry just thinking about it. Taken in moderation I enjoy their fish or Chicken Planks, and they offer up a solid cole slaw. But the fries, alongside those other semi-quality items, are an affront to all that is holy. Prison, I say!

In ‘n’ Out These are also shit, but not quite as bad as LJS. Mealy is a word that jumps immediately to mind. They cut them right there and use fresh ingredients, etc. But they’re bad. What can I say? The burgers, again, are solid. But their fry game? Weak!

Arby’s I know there’s a rabid cult for Arby’s curly fries, but I am not a member of said cult. I don’t like all the spices and shit. Just give me a french fry, and compete on a level playing field. When you go for a novelty cut, AND cover everything in various overpowering spices… it’s a problem in my eyes. I know they have regular fries too, but those are so forgettable I can’t even remember what they’re like. And I’ve had them often.

Chick-fil-A Another novelty cut: the waffle fry. I like these better than the curly fries, but they’re not great, either. I don’t need my fries presented in a crosshatch pattern, thank you very much. However, I had some on our way back from Myrtle Beach a few weeks ago and thought they were freaking amazing. So, I don’t know. All my life I’ve been agnostic on these things, but my most recent experience is making me wonder: are they better than I realize? Probably not.

What do you have on this subject? Am I way off on some of that? It’s certainly possible. In any case, please share your thoughts. Also, I probably left out some places. Help me complete the category! Use the comments section.

I need to get ready for work now. It’s late, as usual.

I hope all of you had a great Easter. Ours was pleasant. You can hear all about it in the new episode of the world famous West Virginia Surf Report podcast. Here’s your summary:

Our Easter wasn’t spectacular, but it was pleasant. And what’s wrong with that? In this one, I tell you all about it, as well as my general Easter history. I also discuss the importance of the holiday where we currently live, and my across-the-board lack of religious knowledge. And I reveal the things I believe people should judge more, and the things they should judge less. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!

And this is the link. It’s available here, there, and everywhere. Give it a listen!

Have a great week, my friends.

See you again on Thursday. Or Friday.

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