For one thing I usually need to piss like Man O’ War when I wake up, have lots of excess air in the pipes, and am not very friendly. If some smiling fool came bounding into the bedroom while I’m still half asleep, and thrust a tray of eggs at me… it wouldn’t be pretty.
And just think of the mess. All the crumbs and the jelly and the grease. After I finished my meal I’d undoubtedly have to strip the bed, and go through that whole routine. Who needs it? Plus, that single flower in a vase they always show? It might trigger a sneezing jag, and I could black-out and hit my head on the nightstand.
Screw it. I’ll just stick with Toaster Strudel by the kitchen sink, the way God intended.
I don’t even like room service in hotels. I’ve only gone that route a couple of times, during the high-flying record weasel years, and wasn’t really a fan. The room smells foody for the rest of the night, I’m eating off a round table one foot from the bed, there’s an awkward interaction with the guy who delivers it, and the dirty dishes sit outside the door for hours and hours.
Also, the whole exercise just feels kinda antisocial and creepy. Ya know? Is it really such an imposition to ride the elevator down a few floors, and eat in a restaurant or bar amongst other humans? Is that simply too much to handle? What are we, Aretha Franklin now?
No, I don’t much care for eating in or near beds, for some reason. I also don’t like TVs in bedrooms, but that’s a different subject, for a different day.
Sorry I’ve been away from the site for so long…
On Wednesday our internet was down, and it sucked. I had a couple of important things that needed to be done online, and scrambled my big ass to the library with my laptop. As I was leaving I saw that it had snowed (who knew?), and had to clear off my car. Plus, I still hadn’t had breakfast or lunch, and needed to be at work early for a meeting. I was a roman candle of profanity.
And yesterday — before I’d even gotten off the platform — a text message was sent to my phone: “Jeff, can you come in today? By 1, preferably?” Grrr… It was supposed to be a day off, but instead… I was careening down I-81 again, my eyes bugging out like Marty Feldman during a prostate exam.
You see how it goes? It never stops. Tonight and all day tomorrow we’re going to be at a gigantic swim meet, and then it’ll be time to start my work week again. And I wonder why I have a hard time getting things done… Pass the beer nuts.
I’ve never, in my life, watched a network reality show. Oh, we watch stuff like House Hunters on cable, and Selling New York (my favorite), but nothing like Survivor or American Idol. However, I’ve been watching Celebrity Apprentice. Adam Carolla is a contestant, so I decided to give it a shot.
And within two weeks… I’m sucked in. I feel mildly ashamed. I have no time, but am setting aside 90 minutes a week for that crap? And actually caring about what happens? What’s next? Crocs? Stick figure decals on the back window of my car? I should hurl myself into the Grand Canyon. But not until the season is over, of course…
There are seven, possibly five, things on my to-do list today. So, I’m gonna stop right here. I’ll try to update on Sunday, to make up for this mess of a week. But we’ll have to see how it goes.
If you want to talk about things in your life that cause you low-grade shame, please do so in the comments. Also, if you have any thoughts on breakfast in bed, or room service, or any of that stuff… Please bring us up to date on it.
And I’m going to get busy on that list now. Thanks for reading, my friends!
I’ll see ya next time.