I hadn’t thought about it in years, until I saw something while mowing a few days ago that reminded me of the questionable delicacy. And it’s not real, is it? There is no such thing as sour grass, is there?
It’s just clover and dog piss, right? Thanks, Dad!
I’d like to make an announcement: I am tired of using the nonsensical phrase “OK.” From this day forward I will say and write “LK” instead. Makes just as much sense, right?
LK, now that that’s out of the way… I think we’re going to take our first summer trip to Knoebels this coming weekend. Toney and I both need to disengage from the real world for a few hours, and the boys love it there.
Plus, they have really kick-ass cheese fries, and some sort of bizarre but good sweet tea slushie. That sweet tea slushie has become an absolute must, during Knoebels visits. I wish I had one right now…
Steve’s going to meet us there, and it should be a fun day. My one concern: the place fills (FILLS!) with white trash on weekends. It’s like someone goes around to a few dozen Wal-Marts, lures all the shoppers into buses (probably using pizza flavored snacks as bait), and dumps them at the front gates of Knoebels.
Yeah, that place will be loaded with mullets, t-shirts with the sleeves cut out, generic cigarettes, big mamas hollering at their buzzcut hicklets, people with raccoon bites, profane tattoos, windbreakers as shirts, spitting women, wispy mustaches, wallets on chains, and “obesity canes” with quad bases.
So, I’m gonna lobby for Friday. There’s a HUGE difference between Friday and Saturday, at Knoebels. Wow! Wish us luck.
And for a Question of the Day, I’d like to hear about the most creative call-off excuses you’ve ever encountered. I’m thinking about call-offs at your job, but it could be anything, I suppose.
When I worked at a record store in Greensboro, a drama queen used to call off on a regular basis, because she was “stressed out.” That was her complete excuse.
One day the store director took the girl’s call, and told her, “You’re going to be even more stressed out, when you’re out looking for a new job.” For some reason she never used that excuse again.
A woman also left a message on an answering machine at one of my former jobs. It wasn’t from the actual employee, but from her lesbian lover. She said, “Lisa won’t be in today, because she has a bad case of diarrhea.”
Then it sounded like a whole roomful of stoned women busted out laughing. The receiver was returned to the base, but the call didn’t end. Apparently she was so high, she couldn’t properly negotiate a telephone. And I could still hear what was being said inside the room.
After the laughter subsided a bit, I heard someone yell, “You bitch! Now I’m going to have to go to work!! Diarrhea? I’m going to have to go in, now!”
There was more laughter, the Indigo Girls were playing softly in the background, and someone hollered, “Oh shit! The phone wasn’t hung u-“
I also had someone call off because her armpits were “infected.” I swear it’s true.
But my favorites are the ones who go into way too much detail, thinking it makes the story more realistic.
“Well, you see, the UPS man came to the door, he was delivering a lamp, and I was upstairs. You know, just reading. A Stephen King novel, Tommyknockers. And I came downstairs and stepped on a shoe. My boyfriend, Mike, left his shoe on the stairs, a white Nike with a little bit of blue on the side, and I fell down and exploded my coccyx.”
Usually these types are spotted at a bar later in the evening, dancing their asses off. Or they go on Facebook and write about how they “fooled” their boss, or whatever.
What creative, or really bad, call-off excuses have you encountered during your travels? Use the comments section below to tell us all about it.
And I’m going to eat a Marlene Coldwater frozen meal now, and drag my ass to work.
LK, I’ll see you guys tomorrow!