Bad Call-Off Excuses and Some Other Stuff
Do any of you remember eating something, as a kid, plucked directly from the lawn, and supposedly called “sour grass?”
I hadn’t thought about it in years, until I saw something while mowing a few days ago that reminded me of the questionable delicacy. And it’s not real, is it? There is no such thing as sour grass, is there?
It’s just clover and dog piss, right? Thanks, Dad!
I’d like to make an announcement: I am tired of using the nonsensical phrase “OK.” From this day forward I will say and write “LK” instead. Makes just as much sense, right?
LK, now that that’s out of the way… I think we’re going to take our first summer trip to Knoebels this coming weekend. Toney and I both need to disengage from the real world for a few hours, and the boys love it there.
Plus, they have really kick-ass cheese fries, and some sort of bizarre but good sweet tea slushie. That sweet tea slushie has become an absolute must, during Knoebels visits. I wish I had one right now…
Steve’s going to meet us there, and it should be a fun day. My one concern: the place fills (FILLS!) with white trash on weekends. It’s like someone goes around to a few dozen Wal-Marts, lures all the shoppers into buses (probably using pizza flavored snacks as bait), and dumps them at the front gates of Knoebels.
Yeah, that place will be loaded with mullets, t-shirts with the sleeves cut out, generic cigarettes, big mamas hollering at their buzzcut hicklets, people with raccoon bites, profane tattoos, windbreakers as shirts, spitting women, wispy mustaches, wallets on chains, and “obesity canes” with quad bases.
So, I’m gonna lobby for Friday. There’s a HUGE difference between Friday and Saturday, at Knoebels. Wow! Wish us luck.
And for a Question of the Day, I’d like to hear about the most creative call-off excuses you’ve ever encountered. I’m thinking about call-offs at your job, but it could be anything, I suppose.
When I worked at a record store in Greensboro, a drama queen used to call off on a regular basis, because she was “stressed out.” That was her complete excuse.
One day the store director took the girl’s call, and told her, “You’re going to be even more stressed out, when you’re out looking for a new job.” For some reason she never used that excuse again.
A woman also left a message on an answering machine at one of my former jobs. It wasn’t from the actual employee, but from her lesbian lover. She said, “Lisa won’t be in today, because she has a bad case of diarrhea.”
Then it sounded like a whole roomful of stoned women busted out laughing. The receiver was returned to the base, but the call didn’t end. Apparently she was so high, she couldn’t properly negotiate a telephone. And I could still hear what was being said inside the room.
After the laughter subsided a bit, I heard someone yell, “You bitch! Now I’m going to have to go to work!! Diarrhea? I’m going to have to go in, now!”
There was more laughter, the Indigo Girls were playing softly in the background, and someone hollered, “Oh shit! The phone wasn’t hung u-”
Click.
I also had someone call off because her armpits were “infected.” I swear it’s true.
But my favorites are the ones who go into way too much detail, thinking it makes the story more realistic.
“Well, you see, the UPS man came to the door, he was delivering a lamp, and I was upstairs. You know, just reading. A Stephen King novel, Tommyknockers. And I came downstairs and stepped on a shoe. My boyfriend, Mike, left his shoe on the stairs, a white Nike with a little bit of blue on the side, and I fell down and exploded my coccyx.”
Usually these types are spotted at a bar later in the evening, dancing their asses off. Or they go on Facebook and write about how they “fooled” their boss, or whatever.
What creative, or really bad, call-off excuses have you encountered during your travels? Use the comments section below to tell us all about it.
And I’m going to eat a Marlene Coldwater frozen meal now, and drag my ass to work.
LK, I’ll see you guys tomorrow!
Filed under: Daily
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
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The best excuse I ever witnessed, not employed mind you, was a coworker who came to work so hungover he called out after lunch saying he had tome “bad ham”. That one still makes it’s rounds among my friends when we feel like a day off…
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…some “bad ham”…
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a coworker called out once because he was slipped a roofie.
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I’m in!
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LK, I’ll think about this for a while (awhile)? I don’t remember how that one works.
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I swear one day I’ll call in saying I have really bad menstrual cramps. Like, REALLY bad ones.
heh heh heh – he said coccyx
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I called in and told them I have an erection lasting longer than four hours.
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We used to have a salesman, young guy, who called of at least once a week. There were car accidents, sudden deaths in the family, scheduled colonoscopies (for him, 22 years old, imagine).
He even asked to leave work early one day so he could go to the pet store and buy feeder crickets for his pet tarantula.
I believe his excuse for the last time he called off before he quit for good was that he had sun poisoning.
It got so bad and so frequent that I made up an excuse list. I still have it here in my desk, so here goes:
Complimentary Excuses
Please, only one per day.
I have an earache
I have an abscessed tooth
My brain hurts
I’m having brain surgery
I have intestinal distress
I have a goiter
I’m having knee surgery
I’m having dialysis treatment
I’m donating my; liver, spleen, heart, kidneys, live AND kidneys, eyes
I need a bone marrow transplant
I’m donating bone marrow
My _ died; (choose one)-
dog, cat, parakeet, spider, crickets for my spider
I was in a _ crash;(choose one)-
car, motorcycle, plane, boat, hot air balloon
I’m having hip replacement surgery
I’m having a heart transplant
My pants were stolen
My shoes were stolen
My pants AND shoes were stolen
I’m having a myocardial infarction
My hemorrhoids are bleeding
I have an ingrown toenail
Someone stole my spider
Someone stole my crickets
I have no clean underwear
I’m having electroconvulsive therapy
It’s my mom’s funeral
It’s my dad’s funeral
It’s my old high school teachers funeral
The bridge is out
I’m snowed in
I’m locked out
I’m hungover
I’ve been subpoenaed by a Grand Jury
I’ve been indicted by a Grand Jury
I slept in today
I slept in for three days
I died
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dto – too funny – I burst out laughing
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I looked up this sour grass stuff, and we totally ate that stuff when we were kids. We just called it clover though. We didn’t have a dog, so I’m pretty sure I was safe…
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Heard during my fast food days, mostly from teenagers:
“It’s raining out.”
“I forgot to tell you my Dad doesn’t let me work on Sundays.”
“I can’t come to work because the ‘Family Ties’ season finale is on tonight.”
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One I want to use before I retire and/or die -
I had a really close call driving into work and ended up shitting the headrest.
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“I’m still spurting”
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sorry about the few typos, I haven’t been around these parts in a while, LK?
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Actually I do remember one guy at work not really calling in but rather he seemed to disappear for a few days. He was in jail for assault until he was bailed out. A real quality individual; a true gentleman.
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JCIII: What?? No menstrual cramps? In my years of employment, that one was used by almost every woman I worked with at least once.
I believe the sour grass is clover, just like Kristin said. We used to eat it all the time….now that I look back, maybe thats my problem.
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We had a girl who worked in my section about 10 years ago who called from home and explained to her supervisor that she actually did drive to work that morning, but couldn’t find a parking space, so she just turned around and drove back home! She seriously thought this to be a legit excuse!
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bikerchick –
I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy actually did have a vagina tucked away somewhere….
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You can’t just replace OK with LK. LK doesn’t mean anything. “OK” was a nickname for Martin Van Buren (born in Kinderhook, NY), referring to the initials for “Old Kinderhook”. What the hell is LK supposed to refer to? Is it the initials for “Lazy Kinderhook”, which was Martin Van Buren’s good-for-nothing cousin?
I’m Old Kinderhook, you’re Old Kinderhook.
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Man, that was the funniest update we’ve had in quite a while.
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And this isn’t 100% on-topic, but at my last place of employment, there were a couple of salesmen who worked as a team, and for about two months one of the two never seemed to be in the office. And whenever anyone asked where this guy was, the other one would say that he was out on a sales call that day. Well, about a year later, after both of them had gone on to work for other companies (because our company had been purchased), the one who would cover for the other finally told someone what had really been going on. The one that was never around for two months had been in the hospital and rehab, after suffering a heart attack. The guy was apparently afraid that if the company knew about the heart attack, they’d pressure him to retire or something. So his buddy helped him out and covered for him until he was well enough to return. I guess you could say that’s the opposite of a calling-out-sick story.
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JCIII: Oh! You mean “Mangina”?!?
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I had a student once who begged out a midterm exam complaining of “menstrual” problems. When she tried the same excuse for the next exam 6 weeks later I started asking her other instructors and found out that she’d apparently been menstruating like a fire-hose for 9 weeks straight based on all the assignments and exams she’d missed. I’m not an OB/Gyn but I know that nine weeks divided by 28 days and raised to the power of 8 missed exams and assignments= bullshit. She was asked for medical documentation and ended up withdrawing a couple of weeks later.
My father in law had a student try to get out of a final exam one year claiming that he had “stepped on and ice cube and had a bruised foot”. Needless to say he was told to write the exam as scheduled or receive a zero.
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Told my boss I had Anal Glaucoma. Just couldn’t see my ass going into work. He shook his head, said it was the best one he’d heard and let me take it!
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And isn’t LK the name of a 70s Motel chain?
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I have been employed with the same company for 21 years, started here in Aug. 1989. Never took a single sick day until 1993.
Then, all of this happened within a two month period in 1993:
Mother in law had brain tumor removed.
Same woman had 2 feet of bowel removed due to cancer.
Same woman had triple heart bypass surgery.
Father in law died.
My dad had left lung removed.
I cut off about a half inch tip of my ring finger with hedge trimmers requiring plastic surgery to re-attach.
My daughter was born.
My manager swore I was interviewing for other jobs and was really treating me badly, so I brought in all the copies of the hospital bills, newspaper clippings of the funeral and the birth announcement to prove I was not trying to find a new job.
He apologized profusely and everything was back to normal. About 3 months later, he had a heart attack, bypass surgery, developed a staph infection and died at age 62. Poor bastard.
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I’ve never heard it called “calling-off” or “calling-out”. I’ve heard of “laying-out” of work. Is this a regional thing?
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We had a girl call off for a whole week because she had a toe fungus. Yes, Digger the Dermatophite kept her from being able to type. She got by with it too.
I had to call in once because a bear broke into my house. Then, a few days later I had to call in because DNR had trapped the bear in my yard.
My favorite wasn’t a work one. Someone’s child didn’t want to go to a pool party and didn’t want to say she didn’t want to go. The child called her friend in front of her mother and said, “I can’t come to the party because the dog ate my bathing suit.”
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LHR re the book – “I’m ok you’re ok”
I remember being a youngster – maybe 5 or 6 and just learning to read. I read the title as (phonetically) imawk yourawk …
I thought for some reason that it was a book about Eskimos – to me it sounded like an Eskimo name… I was a weird little bugger I guess.
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I know a guy who uses governmental people as call offs:
“I have a meeting with the (chief of police/fire chief/mayor/county judge). I don’t know when I’ll get in.”
My favorite that I use is,
“I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
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Bad sardines.
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I sometimes use “the black rubber fist is stuck”
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I’m a sucker for Wal-Mart people descriptions. Windbreakers as shirts.
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I once called in from Myrtle Beach on the day I was supposed to be back from vacation to Corning Glass Works to say I wouldnt be in because I threw my back out changing a tire. My foreman didn’t buy it though. I guess the sounds of surf and sea gulls in the background of the call was a tip-off.
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We didn’t call it sour grass, we called them “pickles.” We only chewed them up then spat them out. We also had “indian peppers.” They were spicy!
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I was working for a rediculously awful law firm a few years ago before I moved out and I throughly enjoyed calling off work. For one, lawyers are complete fucking assholes, all they care about is money and themselves. Second, although the other legal secretary working with me in the tiny office was completely cool to my face, she was actually a spy for the lawyer we worked for. It just sucked, and I hated it. Anyway, one day I lied about being sick and needed to go home. But instead of going home, I decided I wanted to cruise around the back roads in the country in the listen to music and enjoy the rest of my day off. So, I’m driving, and I pull up to a stop sign and wait for a passing car, when who should pass me, but my boss (lawyer). I was fiddling around with my phone and looking down but at the very last second I looked up and saw the tail end of a black jeep flying down the road. I thought to myself, ‘there is NO way that was him…I’m in the middle of nowhere…’ But I got home a few minutes later and sure as shit, there was a voicemail from other secretary asking me ‘how I was doing’ and ‘seeing if I was ok’. I knew why she was really calling. So I called her back with my best sick voice and said I’d just woken up, but the damage was done. I didn’t get fired, but I ended up getting transferred to another branch that was in a bad town, and the lawyer (the big boss man who actually owned the firm), was the most disgusting, lazy, ignorant pig I’d ever met in my life. I only made it 2 months at that place before I couldn’t take his shit anymore and quit. I was sick of him constantly insulting my work ethics, crumbling up my work and throwing it at me for minor misspellings. It was hell…Truly hell. Not to mention that he was a insatiable packrat and had so much stuff cluttering his desk that he would periodically use mine forcing me to stand awkwardly somewhere in the office. Omg, fuck that place.
I’ve never really used crazy ‘call off’s’ mostly just the ‘i’m sick’ or ‘i’m not feeling well’, which only turned me into the boy who cried wolf. One day when I was waitressing in a local pizza place in town I really did have the stomach flu and they didn’t believe me so I was stuck there.
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At the job I’m currently at, I have never faked sick, but at previous jobs, I definitely used the food poisoning bit too.
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38! YES!
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I think I called in ill the Monday after Superbowl ’08, but that was self inflicted (red wine I think it was that time). In my younger years, I definitely used the “sick card”, but it was too much partying previous night at happy hours (that’s a big DUH!). Now, given the atmosphere here at my company and probably every corporation around, we’re all being watched and ranked. I really can’t afford to call in with any excuse. There will be someone that can be hired in my position in a heart beat for 1/2 the salary, not jaded like me, and more enthsuiastic than someone reaching my age of 55.
However, I’ve got a real piece of work co-worker that sits over the Dilbert-cubicle wall who uses more excuses than one can think of: her daughter is sick, her near miss of a crash in the morning, baby-daddy got arrested, passed out from taking a dump, stopped at a yard sale, and it goes on. Wish someone would wise up to her, but gotta keep my focus.
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Occam’s Razor!
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Haven’t they just recalled a bunch of Marlene Coldwater stuff for having ebola or something in it? You wouldn’t want to call off work on account of Marjoe Cadaver diarrhea…
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A long time ago I called in sick for a couple of days claiming that I had the eye of the tiger. I came back in to work with no visible symptoms, and merely said that the eye drops that the doctor gave me cleared it up really well.
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I’m going to have to use that one: “I can’t come in to work today, because I was walking around barefoot and cut my foot really bad by stepping on Occam’s Razor”.
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LK ? Not acceptable. I suddenly heard you talking, like, valley girl, like, when I saw that, like, pop up, in your, like text. Like.
Got it?
So make it Okay instead of OKlahoma if you don’t like OK…
No excuses here. Theres a policy at work that supervisors are not to pry into the employees reason for being absent. Something about them trying to play doctor over the phone in the past put the kibosh to prying questions. They are allowed to ask for a doctors note if you make a habit of it, or they suspect you are taking a multi-day vacation.
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Back in Jan. 2007 a young man here at work called in sick. He got drunk with friends on a Saturday night and decided he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t see the Buckeyes play in the NC game out in Glendale, AZ.
So I still blame him for the ass whooping we took.
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“Calling off” sounds like a regional term. In the northwest we use “calling in”. My favorite was when one of my wife’s employees called in with 2 flat tires. She went over and picked him up at his house. Later we heard that the story was complete crap, but to make it appear true, the guy let the air out of 2 of his tires. Lesson learned, always use illness rather than a lack of available transportation as the reason you can’t make it to work.
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The best call out I ever did was “I can’t come into work today because the apartment directly above me was destroyed by fire and now my 9th floor apartment is partially flooded.”
Unfortunately, it was a true story.
At my place of employment, workers are entitled to an annual volunteer day (basically an extra paid day off) but management aren’t allowed to ask where you volunteer because it could be an infringement on your privacy rights or religous freedom, etc…
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Volunteer Day-Hell yah! I’m volunteering to go to Gretchens and drain her fridge full of Sierra Nevada Torpedoes and Sam Adams Coastal Wheats!
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My co-worker “I can’t come in today; aww, oohhh, ahhh, oh wow, sorry about that. I’ve got hemorrhoids something terrible; OUUUCH, ahhh, oh man, seriously, I’ve been in the bathroom all morning and they’re just so painful and bleeding everywhere, ohhh, ahhh, oh my, I think I need to go now”…click. I told my boss she wouldn’t be coming in today and he asked why and I told him. He thought I was joking (she was frequently the butt, no pun intended, of many a joke) but since I worked in a 911 call center, all calls are recorded so I played it back for him (along with the entire room of dispatchers) and we had a nice long laugh. She was never able to enter a room again without us all bursting out into simultaneous “AHHHH, OUUUUCH, OHHHHH, OH MY!”.
Another of my favorites was always “the electricity is out, I can’t see to get ready for work” (but yet you had no problems seeing to find and dial the phone in the dark?). Unfortunately, it was a common one used by several of the ladies and frequently. Living in the midwest we get lots of thunderstorms which usually also mean a power outtage for at least a short period of time on a regular basis. Perhaps after the first oh, I dunno, 200 times, they would have figured out to keep items on hand, like candles. They all looked like hell every day anyway; who knows, getting ready in the dark might have actually been an improvement.
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Britney: You wrote “For one, lawyers are complete fucking assholes, all they care about is money and themselves.”
FYI, I’m an attorney, and my son is an attorney.
On behalf of both of us (and other hardworking individuals who might not fit whatever half-witted stereotype you’ve developed over your whole 24 years on the planet), I’ll get right to the point:
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, you hit a nerve with that one, sweetheart. As you mature, perhaps you’ll learn that sometimes people are just assholes, and you’ll refrain from spewing disparaging generalizations.
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Although if I thought that “I’m a complete fucking asshole, and all I care about is money and myself” would work as an excuse for missing work, I’d probably use it. Go figure.
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CADUDE, I don’t care, you didn’t have to work for the fuckers for a year. They put a real bad taste in my mouth and I am entitled to my opinions, so you can go fuck yourself. Thanks.
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It’s hard to stop a bell from ringing once it’s been struck, isn’t it…
(inserting witty comment here to diffuse what will probably get ugly regardless)
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Don’t think you can talk to me like I’m a idiotic teen because you and your son are attorneys. Every one I’ve ever met WAS a complete fucking asshole, and you just proved my point.
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I’d be delighted, WB. At least it would be going to a good cause.
I’ve never called out for work for something made up. I’d get caught because I have Charlie Brown Karma. Anyway, a long time ago I did have to call in late for work because I couldn’t find my wallet. Turned out the dog was sitting on it. Yep, calmly sitting there with the leather cooling her asshole while I ripped apart the house looking for it. I called credit card companies and everything. Lil bugger! Ever get the feeling your pets know exactly what they are doing?
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Gretchen – Yes, I do! My cat enjoys torturing me very much.
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I think that I might be getting the eye of the tiger again.
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Bullets from the grassy knoll…
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I had never heard the term “call out” until I read today’s update. I suppose it’s regional. I think anybody in the northwest would say “call in”. Based on the number of comments that referenced “call out”, I’m amazed that I didn’t pick up the phrase in Philly or Bal’mer, but somehow I missed it.
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Sometimes I feel bad about the Wal-Mart descriptions, but today I was laughing too hard.
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There is an ongoing, sometimes passionate discussion in the world of wordology about “OK”. Wikipedia does a pretty good job of summarizing the various etymological theories. Check it out.
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Sometimes it seems like we’re broadcasting information to the French underground, or communicating with those pecular bravo delta hotel people on the radio. This occured to me when I read “Occam’s Razor!”. WTF? That doesn’t happen to be my brand of shaving apparatus, but if it were I might feel slightly ajar. I just try to keep things simple.
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Dude, I think you should cool it. You make ten times more dough than Brittney, and it’s a little hard to deny that attorneys have an assholish reputation. Clearly, the adjective isn’t appropriate for all attorneys or, perhaps, even most attorneys, but there’s a correlation. And, honestly, I think the 24-year-on-the-planet lady pretty well nailed you with her last response. You did react a little like, um, an attorney.
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TET…Really not trying to start a fight at all. I just think those are funny sounding names. I’m sure some of my heros have pecular names as well. OK, Joe Hill isn’t ha ha funny, and I guess Barbara Jordan doesn’t evoke guffaws, but I’m sure there are some.
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More later. My very best wishes…
jtb
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Once I cooled off about this, I realized that it was inappropriate for me to react like that, and I apologize to Jeff and the surfers for the temporary drama, I should have been the mature one about it and ignored him. I also should have worded my first post differently in saying that all the attorneys I WORKED WITH were major assholes, selfish and greedy because I had a suspicion that there would most likely be an attorney on the report. But honestly, if someone were to come on here and say people who work in offices are lazy peices of shit, I wouldn’t care because I know that’s a stereotype and people are going to think what they want no matter how much you tell them to ‘fuck themselves’. I understand why that would piss someone off, but I don’t think it was handled the right way. But whatever, what’s done is done, sorry again everyone. Carry on!
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A guy at work (still there) was busted growing a (fairly big) crop of pot and was sentenced to two years which he served as someones little bitch (heh, he’s a prick). Anyway, he still kept his job as a Station Officer (firefighter crew leader) on a technicality. He was fired for not turning up to work but argued successfully that he could not possibly attend due to being incarcerated and was given his job back. Apparently being a drug pusher is fine but not turning up for work is bad.
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Actually…a longer than a four hour erection isn’t as bad as they make it out to be.
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PS my wife works for a lawyer and all but two of them are pretty cool.
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@dto
So did you call your doctor after 4 hours?
Or did you call Keira Knightley’s agent?
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I worked with a lady who called out “tired” for a few days.
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dto – Dang, you made me belly laugh today.
No excuses come to my head, but had a friend call in sick to go snowboarding and came in with racoon eyes from her sunglasses – rookie….
Boss was too naive to get it.
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@ CADUDE…OK, I wasn’t going to say anything but since you did…I’ll put in my .02. I’m with ya, man. I had to laugh at her telling a story about how she lied and cut out of work and to top it off, got caught and still tried to return the phone call “in her best sick voice”. She also mentioned “using the food poisoning bit” at other jobs but then said, in reference to her boss “I was sick of him constantly insulting my work ethics”. Hmmm…ya think?? I couldn’t possibly imagine why! Sorry Brit, not trying to rag on you, but come on girl, ya can’t say you don’t understand just how bad that sounds! You’re self admitting to a repeated pattern of sick time abuse and then get mad when your boss questions your ethics? But, don’t go gettin’ all defensive on me..
I did use the food poisoning bit myself (only ONCE though); I hadn’t taken a sick day in over 7 years…seriously, 7 YEARS! I was goin’ thru some serious burn-out and needed an extra day off but my vacation day requests kept getting denied because we were always short handed. I ate some potato salad at work one night and then complained my stomach was hurting so I had a good set up for the next day’s call in…..7 YEARS man, I deserved a day off!
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Where I’m from (Mexico) we say “Calling in.” These comments are hilarious tonight, Did she call in all the time because they were assholes? Or were they assholes because she called in all the time? Chicken or egg?
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When I worked (out of the home), sometimes I would call in for “car problems”. However, that usually turned around to bite me in the butt. Some time in the close future, I WOULD have car problems and that just made me look lame-o, so I stopped with the phantom problems. LOL.
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Here in the Midwest, we “call in”. My ex-husband worked with a guy who called in because his grandmother died. Then again, in 2 weeks. Then another one 2 weeks later – when his live-in g/f called to see if he was at work and blew a gasket when she was told he was at “his other grandmother’s funeral”, he kinda put the nail in the employment coffin.
That’s the same guy who told my ex that his department was “going out for Christmas smunch or some fucking thing.” Took a while to find out he wasn’t familiar with the concept of “brunch.”
Also…lawyers are probably hard to work for, but I’ve worked WITH many on projects and hands-down, they’re the most fun to go out drinking with after work.
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No, they were assholes. I didn’t start calling off until I had made the subconcious decision I was probably going to quit soon because of them, I was just waiting for another job offer.
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A guy that I currently work with missed four days straight at work last year because he was constipated.
Four days, because he was plugged up! I ridiculed him unmercifully. He said go ahead Tim laugh, I had to give myself an enema.
I said, give yourself? You could have got your wife involved and turned that into some good times.
I told him he needed to drink coffee and he would always be worry free. He said he had never drank coffee. I said that is your problem. Acquire a taste for it and you will shit good.
He said that he has always had trouble shitting. I told him everybody that I know that has had bowel trouble has not been a coffee drinker.
Because people that drink it know that it not only taste good, but it gets you moving.
Alcohol can have a simular effect. Ever have a chipped beef explosion after drinking to excess? ‘
It doesn’t take much to bring a good shit. That is my point.
If he was not lying, then I just don’t understand.
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Brittney, if you ever have to call off at your current job, just tell them you have a bad case of the crazy. I’m sure they won’t doubt it and you won’t be lying so everyone wins. Wow.
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Wtf? Why is everyone getting on my case?
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Hey Brittney, I enjoyed your comments. If you can’t vent here, where can you vent?
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CADdude, you’re um… Kind of making her point for her, eh?
You’re entitled to your opinion just like she is, and no one here will fault you for being wrong, douche.
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Brittney,
I’ve spent 35 years managing software and electrical engineers of one sort or another at four different companies. These are generally decent, quiet men and women who just want to do the right thing. Just about every week for 35 years, one of them has managed to piss off someone who thinks he or she is too important to spend time with “technical people”.
I’ve tried to tell my folks to just walk away and let me handle the assholes. That has always been my job. At the end of each weekly staff meeting for 35 years, I have said loudly, “Remember, always let the asshole have the last word.”
It’s remarkable how much your life can improve by actually practicing that little nuget of wisdom. I certainly didn’t make it up, but the people who taught me how to manage knew what they were doing.
For whatever it’s worth, I’ve noticed nothing crazy about you, but you seem to fit in well here nonetheless.
(I think a couple of guys aren’t getting much at home, and it’s making them cranky. They’ll calm down eventually.)
jtb
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The hospital where I used to work once a guy called in sick, stating that he was “feeling listless.”
Another nurse called in once and stated that she felt “too GOOD to come into work” that night.
I didn’t blame her.
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People are getting on your case because with every post you illustrate why you were probably a horrible clerical worker. I don’t mean to fan the flames here, but you’re not making a very good case for your employers being the difficult ones. A less-than-competent employee who leaves work partway through the day because they want to “cruise around the back roads in the country and listen to music” wouldn’t be someone whom I’d treat as my most valued employee.
PS There’s no such word as “rediculously” — maybe you meant “ridiculously”. It’s “work ethic”, not “work ethics”. And you can make a “conscious” decision, but I don’t think you’d know if you made a “subconcious” one.
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Joisy…
Do you really want to start grading comments based on spelling?
You have no idea what kind of work she did. If it was materially clerical, you have no idea what the qualilty of her work was.
And if you’ve never fucked off for half a day, I think you might be taking your job and yourself a little too seriously.
This site stopped the picky-noodle criticism a couple of years ago so the Reporters could focus on substance instead of form. But whatever gets you off.
jtb
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i believe angry white guy has some serious disdain for lawyers. maybe just the ones he works for, but it has been a while since we heard him lay into someone off camera.
also if we are going to start judging people based on their comments then we are going to start censoring ourselves. I don’t think anybody here lives in a glass house.
So how about we all just fuck ourselves and have a damn good time doing it.
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I’m fucking myself in your mom’s car right now.
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i fucked myself a few times earlier thinking about the actual fucking i got on sunday in st. louis.
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i’ve lost a job due to excessive call ins. my excuses where all of the same we’ve heard here. my favorite was my car ran out of gas while i was stuck in traffic.
i’ll admit my work ethic blows. I’m good at what I do just hate doing it.
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t-storm’s 12:08 comment, followed by Gretchen’s at 12:54, form a single message of peace, tranquility and adult angst. I tried to determine what form Gretchen used. It’s almost a Cinquain, it’s nearly a Senryu, and is on the brink of being a truncated Terza Rima. But, mostly, amidst all the grouchy name-calling, it stands as an oasis of sense in a senseless world.
t-storm, as for judging people, I used to live in a glass house but I broke all the fucking windows from the inside.
I certainly hope the three or four angry men who attemped to simultaneously pile on the youngest Reporter today will have a more peaceful tomorrow and follow t-storm and Gretchen’s advice.
jtb out
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I called in and told them I was too busy fucking myself
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jtb – very eloquently put, and spot on as usual.
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Last as usual, sorry for my absence…it’s been a while since I’ve been able to stop by and join in the fray.
Jeff, have fun at Knoebel’s; I hope to get up there this summer myself. Their haunted house kicks ass, as does the Phoenix. Sit in the last car on that, and the bunny hills have you almost getting ejected from the train.
Bad excuses: a friend of mine at work actually called off, using “My leg…it hurts.” as an excuse. He’s a good guy so we let it slide.
JTB — if I could buy you a beer right now I would.
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I’ll let everything else go so long as no one ever refers to me as “Joisy” again.
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jtb – “Remember, always let the asshole have the last word.”…………. That advice is absolutely on the money. And in my 46 years on this planet, I wish I had followed it more often.
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I was a member of the management staff at mall movie theater in the mid-90′s.
I had a guy call in one time and to this day I remember exactly what he said: “I can’t make it in; I’m runnin’ from the law.” *click*
He showed up for his shift the next day as scheduled. Guess he got away.
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That’s alright, I made my peace, or so I thought by admitting I should have reworded my post, so for that I apologize. Had I known it would have led to an attack I most certainly would have taken more time to think before I spoke/typed. For the record, I wasn’t trying to be the mvp of the law firm, like I had said, I was waiting for another job opportunity to open up, so I was slacking off when I made the ‘concious’ decision to quit. That job opportunity opened up for me and I’m still here, moving my way up, working for a Medical University, and I don’t have to call off here because I’ve aquired 10 days of vacation time, so now I can slack off and get paid for it because I’ve earned it.
But anyway, I’m done talking about this whole stupid thing as I’m sure so is everyone else, so can we please get back to the point of this site and ENJOY ourselves?
@ jtb – I would buy you a beer too. I really like the way you write.
T-storm- “So how about we all just fuck ourselves and have a damn good time doing it.” — I’m going to use this quote from now on if you don’t mind, because it’s awesome.
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Trying to fuck myself but I can’t get my four hour erection to bend around to my ass. Ant tips? Maybe I should just fuck myself in the belly button?
I called a brick layer that didn’t show up for work and he said, “I spilled milk all over myself on the way to work. I know it’ll be hot out there and I didn’t want that shit to spoil and make everyone sick.”
I’m going outside to find some clovers to eat. I want a whole fucking bowl of clovers with Ranch dressing.
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My grandfather used to say things like, “I’m fucking this chicken, you just sit there and watch the feathers fly.” When Simone was shocked he’d say, “He didn’t know wheather to shit or go blind.” If someone was wearing baggy pants he’d say, “It looks like a family of Mexicans moved out of the ass of their jeans.”
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Good morning Brittney, today is a brand new day. I didn’t mean to get on your case. I often forget that surf reporters are real people and not fictional characters of JK’s creation (a la Clive Bull or whoever.)
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I’m a lazy little fuck. I don’t even call in to work anymore, I just send an email with a very vague “I’m not feeling well today” excuse. Sure, some days it is true (i.e. hangover, the shits, no sleep that night), but some days I just don’t want to spend the day in the office. Now if there is a deadline I have to make, I’ll be there even if I’m coughing up a pancreas. If need be, I’ll work through the night – my current record is 26 hours straight. Somehow I think my bosses realize this, so no one says crap about a day off here and there.
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Matt in Florence, Y’all-It never dawned on me to call in because I felt too good. That is sheer genius. Why fuck up a “good” day by going to work? I may call in a couple of times in July whilst I’m on the wagon!
Gretchen-It’s not often that I’m referred to as a “good cause”! lol
After catching up on the comments I’m convinced I need a Droid so I can follow along at home.
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I just checked the Pennsylvania page of the Drag Queen Registry Website, and ran across the name “Jezebel Bebbington D’Opulence”
Is that you, Jeff?
Anyhow, its a really great stage name for a drag queen
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After deciding not to engage for a while, I now want to extend my apologies to all for my mini-tirade of yesterday. And to Brittney: sorry that I took your comments personally, and reacted in kind. Your subsequent comment–and that of others–about my actions proving you right was on point. I think there’s a Latin phrase for it–res ipsa loquitur, or somesuch (I could sit here and think about it for a while, and make sure that I use the right phrase–the data’s on my hard drive, but the retrieval system seems to be slowing somewhat–but I’ll just go with “somesuch” as a good catch-all) . In any event, I’m sorry for my inappropriate comments.
That said, I’ll agree with the Reporters who’ve indicated that the term “call-off” must be a regional thing. I also hadn’t heard that term before yesterday. Here we “call in sick” or “call in” with some other excuse for not showing up at work. Or at least, we used to. Nowadays the interwebs makes the whole process so much easier, although to be on the receiving end of such an email does tend to raise the hackles.
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Some of those drag queens are pathetic. Look at “Icecream Flavas” of Florida, for example. Fuck dude, you aren’t even trying. He didn’t even bother to shave his mustache or wear a padded bra. Just a shitty wig, and that’s it.
http://www.dragqueenregistry.com/united-states/florida/Icecream-Flavas.htm
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WB: I meant the Surf Reporters en masse, actually, but if it made your minute then that’s cool.
JTB: Terza Rima? Sounds like a smaller yet formidable second cousin to the T-Rex. Or an alien galaxy that we shall never meet. Or a gay sex maneuver.
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I’ve been trying to figure out how to put that little smile face on forever.
http://thewvsr.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif
Did I do it?
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(sigh) fuck no.
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All I did was type a colon and then the parenthesis. It seems to come right up.
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Smile, dammit!
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YESSSSS!! Thanks Gretchen!
USA! USA! USA!
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You’re welcome.
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LivaSnax Flavus
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@Jersey Scott – I apologize for the “Joisy”. I didn’t know it would be offensive, but I promise not to use it again.
@Gretchen – I was referring to the gay sex maneuver. It’s also a type of poetry consisting of 10 or 11 syllable lines, but I somehow had gay sex on my mind.
@WB – Hell, I think you’re a good cause. Maybe we should hold a telethon. Jerry Lewis isn’t working much now, so you could be one of “Jerry’s Kids”. We could raise money to help find a cure for hangovers.
@dto & WB – I just turned 60 and I can guarantee you that in the unlikely event of a four hour erection, my doctor is the LAST person I’m going to call.
It’s 0900 on a sunny Wednesday morning in the great Pacific Northwest. I’m going to go outside and frolic, erectionless but game nonetheless.
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After doing work for lawyers over the years I always add an assininity tax to their job. I’m sure there are good ones out there but I haven’t met them yet. Comments like “I’m not paying you, sue me, I have all the time in the world and you will never see a dime” and “I don’t need to pull a permit, we can do this on the sly” have left a bad taste….
In Indiana we use “call in”. When I was younger I wanted to go to the races on a Fryday night so I told my wife to call and tell me we had water lines leaking in the basement. I flew out of work and got home just in time to get picked up and head to Baer Field for a night of racing. The owners son showed up at the house and asked if I needed any help. oops. Got a little hell at work the next day but they learned not to schedule me on race nights.
Now I just say “I am not available for work”.
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JTB: I was an English major and of your list the only one I recognized was Cinquain. Dammit, I’m rusty! But given that “Terza Rima” also a gay sex maneuver I think one of us has to submit it to Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary. Preferably with explicit instructions, illustrations, and possibly a flowchart.
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@JTB: The “Joisy” thing isn’t offensive, it’s just irritating. I don’t think any true Garden State resident uses this term ( don’t get me started on the radio commercial about how the State Fair will put the ‘joy’ back in ‘Joisey’ … BARF ! )
So … I’m glad it’s a new day and in the future I’ll try not to let my pet peeves about misspellings and not-wholly-correct grammar cause me to dis a fellow WVSR reader.
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Do you have an orange tan?
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I am getting the last word in; what does that make me?
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I wonder if “call-off” is culled from a Clive radio broadcast, because I’ve never heard that before in my many years living in the mid-atlantic..
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I must have a great boss – he told me he doesn’t care why I take days off as long as someone can cover. So i just say I won’t be in today.
I used to work with a lady who called in because ‘the electricity was out and she couldn’t open the automatic garage door.” Nice!
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At home we call it “laying off”, its a rail road thing, and it confuses people not associated with the UPRR.
I have had the same job for 12 years, and am 2nd in command of the food chain, so I frequentally lay off to take the kid to soccer, help my mom get dinner ready for family stopping by or just to take a ride with my hubby someplace not here. I was at my bosses beckandcall for YEARS worked nights, weekends and every holliday we were open and DESERVE time off when I want it.
I only have one great qutting story to add, I once left a fast food job in just my jeans and a bra ‘cuz I was done and they wanted their shirt back. When I got home my Dad looked up, laughed, and said well I’m guessing you quite today huh? What are you going to do for work this summer and would it be too hard for you to keep some clothes in your truck from now on for just this sort of ocasion?
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Just surfed in for the first time, liked what I saw, and was purusing the archives. I didn’t see that anyone actually answered the question about the sour grass.
It is real, and very common in the south and midwest, especially around the outside walls of sunny country houses.
What it is: common wood sorrel (Oxalis acetosella).
Man I love that stuff. Back in Missouri we called it “sheepshire” for some ungodly reason lost in the mists of time. As a kid, I probably ate more sheepshire in the summer than lettuce… and Mom never served it at the table. We just picked it and ate it as we rambled the countryside, like roadside blackberries.
It’s taste is like eating equal parts Granny Smith apple and leaf lettuce, with some of the tart part of a SweeTart thrown in. In fact, as a fan of the Food Network, I shake my head because lots of hoity-toity restaurants use sorrel in high-dollar dishes. Mostly in salads, but often as the basis for a green sauce for things like lamb and fish. I’ve experimented with that myself, but much prefer to just eat it out of hand.
Sorrel is abolutely unmistable when you find it. It looks like clover, more like tiny three-leafed shamrocks, with little yellow five-petal flowers and yes, it does grow “pickles.” To me the pickles look more like miniature okra pods, maybe 1/4 to 1/2 inch long and much skinnier.
The pickles are a little more sour than the leaves. Which fact I just verified because, sure enough, even this late in the year there’s still some growing next to my house here in Viriginia.
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