Jeff

I think I’m running out of gadgets to buy.  I know that’s theoretically the goal, to have everything you want, but it’s also a little sad.  A person needs to covet electronics during the cold winter months, I believe, so he can stay warm by planning and researching and scheming…

But I got nothing.  It’s probably a good thing, because I also don’t have an abundance of disposable cash lying around.  But one thing doesn’t really have much to do with the other, does it?

Many of you will remember that I was obsessing (OBSESSING!) about buying a new camera at this time last year.  We were planning our big trip to England, and I wanted to take along a new fancy-pants pitcher-taker.

For a long time I was ready to purchase either a Canon or Nikon DSLR, with a wide array of replaceable lenses, and assorted douchery.  But a little voice inside my head (for some reason it sounded like a harelipped man) told me I’d be wasting my money.

Yes, it was an excruciating affair… yet also invigorating.

Eventually I compromised and bought a high-end Canon point and shoot, as well as a small and relatively inexpensive Nikon Coolpix.  I can’t remember why I bought two cameras, but it all seemed very logical at the time.

And you can probably guess which one is rarely used, and which is used constantly.  Yep, that $99 Coolpix is one of my favorite cameras ever.  I love it.

I’m just glad I heeded the harelip warning…  I was prepared to drop four figures on a DSLR, and it would’ve been a monumental error.  A person just doesn’t need a National Geographic set-up to capture the kind of images I’m hoping for.

My home computer is fairly new, and loaded-up with so much memory and disk space it can handle anything I throw at it.  So everything’s fine there.  Same goes for the laptop.  God, my laptop is sexy…  I’m sorry, I need a moment.

OK, I’m back.  I went through a brief but powerful GPS jag.  And we ended up buying a Garmin at Circuit Shitty, which has never been out of its indestructible clamshell packaging.  In fact, I don’t even know where it is.  We might require a GPS device to locate our GPS device.

And that pretty much does it.  A person only needs so many flash drives, and I believe I’ve reached that threshold.  My music delivery system is doing its job nicely, and there’s nothing to upgrade there, either.

So I’ve got nothing.  It sucks.  Oh, I have a mild interest in getting my car stereo replaced, with something iPod-ready.  But so far it hasn’t bloomed into a full obsession.  So, I just don’t know.

And I’d like to replace the upstairs TV with something a little more modern.  The one we’re using now is from the Atlanta years, with a 27-inch screen, and weighing roughly the same as a Burger King.  But, once again, I just can’t work up a good fixation on it.

For two days last month I was fired-up about one of these turntables you can use to turn your vinyl LPs into mp3 files.  I nearly bought one, when I saw it on sale for $79.  But that fire’s gone out, as well.

I tried to get excited about a home theater system, but can’t muster even the slightest interest.  And I don’t really understand the excitement about iPhones, and Blackberrys, and that sort of thing.

So here I am in the middle of winter, with no gadgetry to drive my friends and family to the brink of suicide about.  It’s a sad state of affairs.  Will somebody please hold me?

What are you clinging to, during these cold months?  What pending purchase are you “researching”?  Tell us about it in the comments.

And also have yourselves a fantastic Wednesday.  Or whatever day it is.

Now playing in the bunker.

And now the answers to yesterday’s quiz…

1.  Small “crackle-glass” mini pitcher, made at a long-defunct glass plant once located in my hometown of Dunbar, and imaginatively called Dunbar Glass.  It was the first thing I ever bought off eBay, way back in ’96 or something.

2.  A baseball signed by Mickey Mantle, aka The Greatest Baseball Player Ever.  I wrote about the day I secured it, here.

3.  A baseball signed by Johnny Bench, aka Also The Greatest Baseball Player Ever.  Toney gave it to me as a Christmas present years ago, so I didn’t actually see him sign it.  But it came from a reputable dealer, with a certificate of authenticity, etc.  So it’s gotta be real, right?

4.  Johnny Bench figurine-type deal.  I think Steve gave it to me.

5.  My class ring from good ol’ Dunbar High.  On one side it features an angry-looking bulldog, and on the other is the West Virginia state seal.  An ex-girlfriend had it for years, but I made a big, loud point of getting it back when everything went down the crap-catcher.  It barely fits over my pinkie at this point.

Also in the picture, but not part of the contest, is a miniature Mayberry police car, and a British pound coin, brought home from London.

So, there ya go.  Who did the best?  Did anyone get two?  Hash it out in the comments, and I’ll see you guys in a few hours.

Last November I was working on Month Eight (or was it Nine?) of being unemployed.  I was still receiving severance pay from my former company, so I’d kinda slacked my way through the summer.  But now it was getting scary…

In January the payments would stop, along with our health insurance, and I had no prospects.  None whatsoever.  Sweet sainted mother of Blue Moon Odom!  Every day I walked around feeling like someone was yanking the drawstring on my sphincter.

Then I was offered two jobs on the same day, after months of nuffin, and was able to avoid disaster.  Heck, the COBRA payments alone would’ve been something like $125,000 per month.  At least that’s the way I remember it…

So, I’m not really complaining when I explain to you how I’ll be working both Christmas Eve and New Years Eve this year.  Not complaining, explaining.

I seriously can’t remember working a Christmas Eve before.  I probably have, but it was likely one of those deals where everybody showed up for a few hours, drank coffee, ate cookies, mocked someone’s hideous sweater, then called it a day.

This year I’ll be there until 8 pm or later — actually working.  Have you ever heard of such a thing?!

By the time I get home the Secrets will probably be in bed, or ready for bed, and that’ll be that.  I love Christmas Eve, it’s better than Christmas Day, in my estimation.  But this year it’ll be nothing more than me klunking through the door at 9:30, scarfing down a Marvine Catheter frozen meal, shotgunning four or five Yuenglings, and trying to set up a drum kit quietly.  Happy holidays!

But, it’s better than unemployment.  Much better.  Here’s a piece I wrote at the height of that frustration…  So, I feel a little guilty when I go grrrr every time it crosses my mind.  Yet, the grrrrs keep coming, involuntarily.

I know a woman whose teenage daughter is very sick, and I think of her when I complain about something minor.  Like when Comcast changes the cable channels around, for no known reason.  These kinds of things piss me off, and trigger a daisy-chain of profanity.

And I’m fully aware it’s small, small stuff, compared to the hardships some folks endure.  But I can’t help it; it makes me crazy.  In fact, I suspect I’d do better with a major catastrophe, like our house burning down to its foundation, than, say, sitting in a parking lot waiting for some shitball to back into a parking space.

Not that I ever want to test that theory, mind you….

In any case, what schedule will you be working this holiday season?  Is it like my Gucci deal of the past, or will you actually have duties to perform all the way up until the cusp of Santa’s arrival, like my current situation?

Help me out with it, won’t you?  Maybe it’ll help cut down on all the grrrrs that keep busting out around this place.

And don’t forget to enter our Fun With Filth contest!  There will be no prizes (I’m a very busy man), other than the gift of community involvement.  It takes a village, dammit.  Here are the details.

See ya next time!

Now playing in the bunker.

I often allow the bunker to get pretty nasty.  Toney won’t clean in here, because she considers it my mess, and my problem.  Which is unfortunately true.  So, when I’ve had enough and finally clean it up, it can be quite an ordeal.  Sometimes I need a snow shovel up in this bitch.

Last time wasn’t so bad.  I’m trying to turn over a new leaf, you see.  But it was still fairly dusty.  And where does dust come from, anyway?  I read somewhere it’s dead skin.  Can that possibly be true?!  Am I just sitting in here, rocketing flakes in every direction?  I don’t think I care for it.

In any case, this is a photo of the shelf above my computer monitor.  As you can see, five items had previously been resting there.  Can you guess what they were?  Any ideas?

Tomorrow I’ll post another picture, with the items replaced.  So let’s turn filth into fun!  Use the comments link to post your guesses.  I’ve taken the liberty of numbering the interruptions in nastiness, for your convenience.

And is that a fingernail clipping in the middle?  It’s quite possible, but I’m uncertain.  If it is, it’s just a pinkie shard.  We should all be glad it’s not off a big toe…

On Saturday the younger Secret had a basketball game, which turned out to be very exciting indeed.  At halftime “we” were down 18-2 (these aren’t exactly high-scoring affairs), and came back to win 25-24.

Yes, it was reminiscent of Game 6 of the 1975 World Series…

Before it started a woman wearing high heels and a fur coat came sashaying across the hardwoods, heading for a seat on the other side.  She was clearly relishing her time in the spotlight, sporting her ludicrous Zsa Zsa Gabor outfit, and I was fully expecting her to start waving to the crowd.  The screwing-in-a-lightbulb wave, of course.

But when she was roughly halfway across the floor, she fell off her shoes and almost went down.  She was bent way forward, like a lower-case r, and had to run for ten yards in order to maintain her balance.  And the whole frantic journey was accomplished on the side of her feet.

The crowd chuckled straight down its collar, trying not to be rude, but falling victim to its human limitations.  And when I looked over at Toney her face was a full crimson mask.  She was having a hell of time holding it in, and finally had to excuse herself, so she could laugh freely in the hall.

During the game itself I grew to strongly dislike a kid on the other team.  I felt guilty about it, but everything about him irritated me.  He had all the mannerisms of a professional basketball player, probably learned off SportsCenter, and was just generally douching it up.

It’s horrible, I know, but I wanted him to be humiliated.  A ten year old.  When the kid’s team lost in dramatic fashion, I felt great satisfaction.  And not because the Secret’s team was victorious, but because I knew it would probably ruin ol’ NBA Mannerisms’ day.  What have I become?!

On Saturday afternoon Toney and I went out and did some Christmas shopping.  Don’t tell him, but our younger youngling will be receiving the drum kit he wants.

We bought it from Sam’s, because it comes with a stool and cymbals (many don’t), and is a recognizable brand name.  And as we were checking out, the cashier looked at the giant box and said, “Uh huh… You’re going to regret buying that.  You folks have nobody to blame but yourselves.”

She said it in a good-natured joking way, and was, of course, speaking the absolute truth.

And when we were getting our receipt checked at the door, the woman said, “Whoa, now THERE’S a bad decision.”  It was funny the first time, but not so much when a consensus started being formed.

I had a hell of a time getting it into my car, and some man, another customer, stopped and helped me.  Which was very nice, and something I’d never do.

We went to Wegman’s and purchased our Microbrew of the Weekend: Steelhead Extra Pale Ale.  It turned out to be good, but not extra-good.

It was very cloudy in the glass, and the color of common cold urine.  It tasted OK, but had a whisk broom aftertaste.  I don’t know what causes it, probably the kind of hops used, but I’m not a fan of the whisk broom aftertaste.

Last weekend we had Sierra Nevada Celebration, and it was nothing short of excellent.  I give Celebration Ale the prestigious Surf Report Seal of Approval.

On Saturday and Sunday I worked on a very important special report:  How To Be A Used CD Ninja.  Check it out, at Suggestaholic.  It could change your life.

And on Sunday the older Secret had an important swim meet.  I took the day off from work, so I could attend.  And also because I’m going to be working upwards of sixty hours during the coming week.  Grrr…

Anyway, they have a new fancy-pants scoreboard at the pool, and it was incredibly bright.  It looked like it was two stories tall, and seared my retinas if I looked at it for very long.  It reminded me of the Seinfeld episode, when Kenny Rogers Roasters opened across the street from Kramer’s apartment.  They’ve turned the swimming pool into a chicken supernova!

I sat beside a guy who looked like Curly, but was wearing a Larry t-shirt.  In front of me were a couple of dads with kids on the other team.  And they never stopped hollering.  PULL!  PULL!  PULL!  The hell, man?!  They were getting a tad worked-up.  I wanted to throw a Coke on them.

It was an exciting meet, and “we” won by only a few points.  For a long time it was all tied-up, and could’ve gone either way.  It was fun, except for the “exhibition” races.

Exhibitions are held so everyone on the teams can swim in a race or two.  But they don’t count toward the score, or anything.  Basically, it’s the kids who aren’t very good.  Just to be frank about it…

In one exhibition a kid was swimming round and round, like a drill bit.  I’m not joking, he’d twirl all the way over, with every stroke.  Another boy thrashed at the water, in a wild frenzy, but wasn’t moving forward.  A head of lettuce could’ve beaten him.  I thought they were going to have to lasso him, and pull him in, but he finally made it.

I understand why they have exhibition races, but they make the meets last twice as long.  And I can’t have that…  They’re already hours of sitting inside a heat box.  Get it moving, dammit!

And that was the weekend, in a nutshell.  Did you do anything exciting?  How about your holiday shopping?  Is it done?  Ours isn’t, as usual.  And it’s yet another source of stress in my life…

Bring us up to date in the comments, won’t you?

And I’ll see ya next time.

Now playing in the bunker.