The New River Gorge Bridge. It’s more amazing in person than in a photo.

My Mom and Dad. Looking good for 76 years old!

Below the bridge, with some swimmers (and some drinkers). That dude sitting on the rock is working on a Coors Light.

Cashing in on the whole hillbilly thing. Eh, not a fan. In fact, I don’t even know how that shit’s “hillbilly.” Who would buy that? Seriously.

A terrifying display in a drug store. WTF??

Me and my brother. I don’t know what’s going on with my head. It’s perfectly round now, like Bobby Hill? And I swear I don’t have a double chin. Wildly unflattering…

More homespun “comedy.”

Hillbilly briefcase. I was near-tears by this point.

One of the most photographed spots in West Virginia: Hawks Nest State Park.

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Remember how the last one was going to be a quickie, and it turned out to be plenty long? Well, this one’s going to be a genuine quickie. I’m leaving for West Virginia this morning, and it’s an eight and a half hour drive. It sucks! So, I need to take to the highway and get this long day of driving behind me.

Today I’m just going to share the latest episode of the world famous Jeff Kay Show podcast. Right here. I’ve decided to make every fourth installment available to anyone who wants to listen. And the other three can only be accessed by folks who are pledging $4 or more per month at Patreon.

I hope you like this one. Or, at the very least, see some improvements. I’m enjoying it, I really am. In fact, I can see myself ranting incoherently into a microphone deep into old age. Maybe in South Carolina, or someplace like that? With a sweaty Pabst tallboy by my side? We’ll have to see how it goes.

In any case, I’m driving today. I know 8.5 hours is nothing to many people, but it kicks my ass. What’s the longest you’ve ever driven in one shot? And what’s the longest you’ve driven over a few short days? Tell us about it, won’t you?

And I need to go now. I’ll be back on Monday, I hope.

See you then!

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Unfortunately, this one is going to be a quickie. In the not too distant past, this would be one of those “no update” days, but I made a vow to stick to the schedule, no matter what. So I’m pushing through, my friends. Even though I don’t feel all that great, and would like nothing more than to just sack out on the couch until it’s time to leave for work. Oh well. Enough of my bawl-baby bitch whining. Let’s get to it.

I can’t remember how it happened, but Publishers Clearing House is starting to take over my life. A year ago I don’t think I even knew they were still around, and now they’ve got their tentacles all up in everything. I don’t know for sure, but I think they sent me some snail mail saying I could already be a winner of $1000 per day for the rest of my life. And I foolishly provided them with my email address. You know, just in case. And now it’s gotten out of hand.

It started as an occasional message and has now ramped-up to about 25 emails per day. And I know, intellectually, that I’m not going to win anything. But I feel like I’m so far into it now… it would be a shame to maybe lose it all because I didn’t jump through just one additional hoop. So, I keep jumping.

They want you to search for things using their search engine. Or play games, like fake scratch-off lottery tickets and slot machines, etc. If you complete a certain number of games, and a certain number of searches per day, you’ll be given additional entries into the next $1000 per day drawing. Also, you receive “tokens” as you play ‘n’ search, and you can use the tokens to enter additional drawings that you’ll never win.

As I type this, I have more than 10.5 million tokens. I’ve entered drawings for pickup trucks, Amazon gift cards, Cracker Barrel gift cards, and many other things. And I haven’t won jack shit. But if I quit now… See how it goes?

Like I say, it started out with one email per day. But it’s like the Hydra, or whatever. You cut off one head and two grow back. Now there are so many goddamn heads I can’t keep up with it all. And I feel like an idiot for devoting any more than two or three minutes per day to it. But I keep searching, and I keep scratching, and I keep spinning. I’m pretty fast with it at this point. But still… it’s too much. I feel like a freaking idiot.

Do you have any experience with these insidious monsters? Please tell us about it.

Our younger son had to report to jury duty today. We haven’t heard from him yet, so we don’t know what’s going on. But I’m a little jealous. I’d like to be on jury duty every once in a while. I’ve only been called twice during my entire ridiculous life. The first time was for Los Angeles County, a few months after we moved to Pennsylvania. They allowed me to skip it, which was nice of them. And another time I was called to Scranton and sat in a room with a bunch of other people for about eight hours. I read an entire Dean Koontz novel that day. Finally, a judge came in and told us we could go home. Apparently, some kind of plea deal was reached, and they didn’t need us after all.

And that’s my entire jury duty experience. When I worked at Peaches Records in Greensboro I had to participate in hearings having to do with shoplifting in our store. We had a standing court date — like the second Tuesday of every month or something — and one of us had to appear. A few times I had to take the stand and be cross-examined by lawyers. Fairly unnerving. I also had to take two lie detector tests while working at Peaches, but that’s a different story for a different day.

Do you have any interesting jury duty tales to tell? If so, please use the comments section. Do you get called often? It seems like some people get called over and over, while others (like me) almost never do. What’s your input on this one? Anything? Also, have you ever had to take the stand, like in a freaking episode of Perry Mason? Tell us all about it, won’t you?

And finally, I’m going to West Virginia on Thursday. I’m going by myself, and it’s a long, long drive. But there’s an upside to it: I can stop where I want, eat what I want, and listen to what I want. These are all good things, often underappreciated.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about something. Somebody I work with told me they can’t sit in a restaurant and eat a meal alone. So they always get it to go. But I eat alone all the time, and it doesn’t bother me in the least. What are your feelings on this? How about going to a movie by yourself? I don’t do it, because I don’t go to movies hardly at all, but I wouldn’t have a problem with it. Please tell us your thoughts on this subject, if you’re so inclined.

And I’m going to call it a day here. Turns out it wasn’t a quickie, after all. Huh, interesting.

Have yourselves a good one.

I’ll be back on Thursday.

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I love bonus Saturdays, dropped all willy-nilly. So today feels like Monday, yet tomorrow is Friday already! That’s pretty goddamn sweet, no matter how you slice it. Thanks to all the wig-wearers in 1776 for risking being hanged, etc. so that I might enjoy an additional Saturday in 2018. I’m tearing up…

In all seriousness, how was your holiday? Was it traditional: vast quantities of grilled meats, alcoholic beverages, and fireworks after dark? That pretty much describes ours. For some reason, they’ve loosened up the fireworks laws here, and you can buy real Myrtle Beach-caliber rockets and whatnot, until July 8. So, the boys have been all up in that shit. Last night they were shooting off what looked like WWI mortars. I thought they were going to burn down our house, or the house of a neighbor, but the four or five Centennial IPAs in my great belly took the edge off my… common sense.

I have to return to work today and tomorrow, which felt like a bullshit turn of events as I hoisted my heft off the platform this morning. But now I’m OK with it. I’m excited to bask in the glory of a false Monday. Is that weird? If so, I’m fine with it.

Somebody in the Middle East somehow hijacked my Spotify account yesterday. I received an email saying there was suspicious activity. Then a few minutes later… a notification that my login information had changed. What in the cherry blossom hell?? I immediately emailed them and they took care of it. Some guy with a super-pretentious quote in his signature file (something like ‘painters paint on canvas, but musicians paint on silence’) took the bull by the balls and made sure everything was returned to me. I did a Google search for the email they used, and it returned pages and pages of Arabic text.

Why? Who hacks Spotify? Are they trying to scam somebody out of a few free Eddie Money listens? Seems like high effort for low return, in my opinion. Maybe they were trying to get at my credit card info? Who the hell knows? Mr. Paint On Silence didn’t allow them much opportunity. I have to hand it to them. Nicely done.

The only weird thing I noticed afterward was some unknown musician listed in my favorite artists section. I wish I’d written down his name, but I immediately deleted it. He was some sort of exotic foreigner holding what looked like a zither or some shit. I mean, what the hell?? I feel like I’ve been violated.

I just posted Episode 6 of the world famous Jeff Kay Show, at Patreon. I literally just got it back from the producer dude, five minutes ago. I gave the first 30 seconds a listen and it sounds echoey and odd. Or maybe it’s in my head? That’s certainly possible. In any case, here’s yer link. Enjoy it!

This is the description: In this episode, we discuss the Where Are They Now? issue of Sports Illustrated, frustrations with the Credit Union, my haircut tipping rules, and an update on my attempt to reconnect with baseball. Some characters who appear in this one: Johnny Bench, Mr. Jeffreys, Chip Malfunction, and a girl with one fearless breast.

And I need to get going, boys and girls. I’m gonna wolf down half a Domino’s pizza, and navigate the Devil’s parkway. Wish me luck with both those things, won’t you? Hopefully, I won’t shit myself near the Throop exit and go cartwheeling across the median.

For a Question, I’d like to know which famous tourist destinations you have no interest in visiting. One that immediately jumps to my mind is Australia. I know that might be considered an odd choice, but it seems hot to me. Exceedingly hot with a lot of deadly animals and insects roaming around. I could be wrong about this, but I think even the cats and dogs are venomous in Australia. I’m sure there are beautiful parts of it, so I might be completely misguided. But that’s my contribution. What’s yours? Use the comments link.

And I’ll see you guys again on Monday.

Have a great second weekend!

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Yesterday was the first day o’ the month, which means it was time to file a new field report at Explanations for Aliens. And here it is. This time I attempted to explain classic rock radio to visitors from another galaxy. Please let me know how I did with it.

I hate to talk about the weather all the time, but what the hell’s going on?! Is the Earth now hurtling end over end into the sun? This is utter bullshit. Toney was at Walmart this morning, and walked past a parked and not-running SUV in a handicapped spot, with two giant, barking golden retrievers locked inside. It’s literally the hottest day of the year! So, she and another woman called the cops.

An officer arrived a few minutes later but didn’t really do anything. She just stood there and waited for the asshole owner of the vehicle to return, and checked on the dogs. No ticket, no nothing. Grrr… I wish she’d knocked out the windshield, or cut the entire top off the vehicle with the Jaws of Life. Then roughed up the owner before hauling him off to the sodomy-slammer. Highly unsatisfying… People are the worst.

I just helped Toney carry in groceries from the car and it’s like the Sudan out there. Who could lock-up two smiley dogs in a car on a day like this?? Whatever. I’m sure it was all a big misunderstanding.

Last night we had steaks on the grill, and something went askew. They were big NY strips from Sam’s Club, relatively expensive (to me, anyway), and I nearly burned ’em down to a wafer of ash. I turned on the grill at nearly its lowest setting, put the four steaks on, and retreated to the air conditioning. And when I went out to check on them a few minutes later I audibly gasped. The entire grill was on fire! Flames were shooting out from underneath the lid on all four sides. What in the manscaping hell?? It’s a wonder the entire deck didn’t catch on fire.

I ran over to “the situation,” and noticed the temperature gauge was completely pegged: the shit was like Chernobyl! I opened the grill, threw the steaks onto the higher shelf to get them off the direct heat, turned everything off and left the lid open until the fire stopped. And the steaks were OK. I finished cooking them a little later, and they turned out reasonably well. There was definitely a solid char on those bad-boys, but they were fine. If I’d waited two more minutes though… We’d probably be on the phone right now with State Farm, from our temporary housing at the Red Roof Inn, checking on our options.

I don’t know what happened. Maybe burger grease built up in the bottom? Not sure. But it was craziness. We’re lucky the propane tank didn’t explode. They’d be grafting ass skin to my face this morning. The good news: there’s plenty of it.

I got a late start on this one, so I’m going to have to cut it short. I’ll leave you now with a very simple Question: what’s the best soda in your opinion? Or pop, or whatever the hell you call it where you are? I’m gonna go with Dr. Pepper. I also like Mountain Dew. It’s smooth and has a caffeine kick. But if I had to choose just one, I’d have to go with the Dr. What’s your opinion on this important issue? Tell us about it in the comments.

And on a semi-related note, I talked about the weirdest beer I’ve ever encountered in the latest podcast episode. Can you beat cantaloupe and black sea salt? WTS?? Have you tried a beer that’s weirder than that? There’s a lot of strange offerings out there these days. So, if you have anything on that subject… I’d love to know about it as well.

And I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.

Have a great day!

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