Please note: I am not associated with Hormel Foods in any way, have no special knowledge, and am not qualified to answer their Frequently Asked Questions. But I’m going to give it a shot, anyway. Please do not take any of my advice; it could very well lead to heartache and an unpleasant evening atop the toilet with an anus o’ fire.
How do I prepare my ham or turkey?
Seriously? People send letters to corporations, asking how to cook a ham? That makes me sad. If the process baffles you, and you find yourself thinking, “Do I boil it? Should I fry it up in a skillet?” just ask someone, like your mother. I’d be willing to bet there’s a person in your life who has cooked a goddamn turkey. Don’t compose a note to a multinational corporation, you idiot, just ask someone. Or, if you’re estranged from the rest of the human race, because you’re “misunderstood,” there’s this thing called Google. Sheesh. In any case… you put it in a pan, and shove it in the oven for a while. I hope this helps.
Are recipe submissions accepted?
What? We process and package meats inside giant factories here. You do understand that, right?
Do you have shelf stable products available for an emergency preparedness kit?
You mean, like when the government comes for your guns and you’re forced to hole up inside a fortified compound in the hills? Yes, we suggest the Hormel Pepperoni Stix and Cheese for this situation. And remember, it’s not if, it’s when.
Where can I find Hormel Food products not carried at my local grocery store?
Try the meat department at JCPenney.
Can I serve refrigerated meat products after the expiration date?
You certainly can! Assuming, of course, you’re the type of person who gives their family spoiled meat. If that describes you, then, by all means, go for it.
Cure 81 Ham
This is not a question. It’s like if someone walked up to you, and the following conversation took place:
Them: Hey, can I ask you something?
Them: Chest of drawers.
You see? It doesn’t track.
What is SPAM?
It’s a delicious block of mysterious meats, the color of human flesh, packed inside a gasket of snot. People like to pretend they don’t like it, but they’re liars. It’s freakin’ fantastic. The secret: don’t think about it, just enjoy it. Sure, it keeps getting bigger the longer you chew, but put that out of your mind. Just fry it up, and go to town. And never mind the clear spots.
Can I join the SPAM fan club?
That’s the spirit! Just send us your t-shirt size (6X or 8X), and we’ll start the process immediately.